Chapter 17 Chapter 15 Coping with Frustration, Disappointment, and Disillusionment

In this chapter we'll look at one of the most important causes of anger—frustration.Frustration refers to the emotional experience caused by obstacles in the pursuit of important goals.Both humans and animals respond in specific ways to frustration, and anger is one of the most common.Disappointment, which is common in depressive symptoms, is similar to frustration, which is a subjective experience caused by the failure to achieve ideal goals. Frustration and disappointment come from how important things are to us.Obviously, we don't get frustrated by not getting things we don't need or care about.But if these things are something we want very much, the result will be completely different.

Many things can cause us to feel frustrated and disappointed, the most common of which are: ．Things didn't work out, or didn't go the way we expected them to. ．When other people don't feel or behave towards us the way we want them to.For example, did not give us enough love, did not keep promises and so on. ．Our own inability to do something, or to acquire something. ．We feel that we are in a certain state (for example: feel that we are depressed or listless; feel that we cannot warm up to others as we would like to; feel disappointed in ourselves because of our lack of ability to love or have sex).

"should" and "must" If we have a notion of "should" or "must" about failure, we will experience disappointment.We think that things, ourselves or others, "should be this way or shouldn't be that way".The problem is that life always unfolds according to a predetermined pattern, and it is not swayed by our will.Some people believe that we should not face the end of death.Instead of accepting the reality of death, they throw a tantrum, thinking that "life is not supposed to be like this".Sometimes, our bossy "musts" prevent us from accepting reality, dealing with emotional problems, and finding the best solutions to problems.

Sometimes, we also develop a strong sense of "should".For example, "I should work harder", "I should not make mistakes", "I should not be angry", "I should love my parents".When we don't meet these "shoulds," we experience disappointment. "Shoulds" often contain an element of anger that forces us to change ourselves.When we demand ourselves with bossy "shoulds," we inevitably fall into the trap of self-attack.We are unwilling to accept our limits, face our failures, and we avoid facing our true feelings.American psychotherapist Kerry Horney called them "tyrants."

When we use "shoulds" with others, we get angry at them when they let us down.Instead of accepting facts, we think "they should be this way" or "they should be that way".Strong "shoulds" reduce our frustration tolerance.As we'll see soon, "shoulds" can lead to disappointment, which can lead to serious problems.In fact, Buddhists discovered thousands of years ago that human suffering stems from our frustrations, the demands we place on ourselves or on others.Sometimes we pursue certain ideals so much that it hurts us to let go of them. frustration tolerance

Our tolerance for frustration is conditioned by many factors.You may have discovered that sometimes you handle difficulties effortlessly.At other times, almost any obstacle will greatly annoy you. If you're in a hurry to get somewhere in your car, you'll see other people on the road as people who "get in my way" and get annoyed by it.In extreme cases, we even go on a rampage.This situation has been called a primitive power struggle.The more urgent we are, the more we think that others should not be what they are. Fatigue, boredom, and states of stress are also common factors that reduce our frustration tolerance.Depression itself can also reduce frustration tolerance.

A person's susceptibility to frustration is closely related to their fear of shame.For example, Jerry had an important meeting and lost his car keys.He was mad at himself and his family because he couldn't find the keys.Subconsciously he was thinking, "If I don't make it to the meeting in time, I'll be late, and everyone will think I'm not punctual, and they'll think I'm a sloppy, unreliable person." Sometimes, we Blame yourself: "If I was more serious, I wouldn't lose things." Almost everyone has experienced anger when they can't find things: "Why are things not where they should be?"

Frustrations at major life goals often lead to depression.Therefore, it is necessary for us to figure out how we feel hindered? Or how do we feel frustrated and frustrated? This kind of frustration and frustration is closely related to our expectations, aspirations and ideals. ideal loss in life.One of the biggest challenges we face is how to bear disappointment.In Arthur Miller's play "Death of a Salesman", the hero can't accept the reality of his life, his American dream is shattered, and the disappointment brought about by the disillusionment of his ideals completely destroys him. over him.

We are disappointed because our ideals and hopes exceed our reality.Not only do we fail to accept the world, other people, and ourselves as they are, but we force our ideals and standards onto ourselves or others.It is our ideals and values ​​that cause our frustration.Sometimes life can make us stumble.In Greek mythology, Icarus flew so high that the sun melted his wings and he fell back to the ground.Like Icarus, sometimes our ideals are too surreal. Realizing this can be painful. Depression can result if our goals and ideals are frustrated too severely.Especially when we consider the impact of this setback on our present and future (eg, loss of social status, loss of romantic relationships, etc.).Therefore, to study depression, we have to consider the following aspects:

．What is our ideal? ．How do we feel frustrated in the process of realizing our ideals? ．How do we deal with our disappointment and anger when our ideals don't come true? ．How do we view ourselves, others, and the future as a result? ．Do we have a lot of bossy "shoulds" in our heads? In order to be more clear and intuitive, you can list the contents of "ideal" and "realistic" separately.Then consider what I call the "disappointment gap," which leads to four outcomes: self-attack and blame; Aggression is a common response when we encounter setbacks.Here we can discover the true source of the inner tormentor, namely, our frustration.The more frustrated we are, the more likely we are to torture ourselves.In fact, the internal tormentor does not exist at all, it is just a "self-attack" caused by frustration.

Let's explore with a few examples: Brienne had always expected an opportunity to advance.He works conscientiously and is in good condition.His boss had pointed out that he had a good chance of being promoted.So, he began to imagine the changes that the new position might bring: the work would be easier and more interesting, the salary would increase, and he could live in a better house.Unfortunately, two months before the expected promotion, the company was taken over and the promotion was put on hold.To make matters worse, the new company employs their original staff, and Brien finds that the job he's been longing for has been replaced by a young man.He was deeply angry about this, and then fell into depression.All plans, expectations and goals related to ascension come to naught.Things were never going to work in his favor, he told himself, and it was futile to try.He mulled over the unfairness of the matter, but was powerless to change the status quo.In fact, his mind is engaged in a battle that can never be won. Therefore, he always feels like a loser. His ideal self and actual self are as follows: ideal Reality get promoted Not promoted career progress Career hindered move trapped in an old house — Disappointment Gap —— ．Self attack: I should have expected this.I should have had the confidence to find another job, but I didn't.If I had been more confident, I would have been able to force them to promote me, I was so cowardly. ．Attacking others: They're just using me and it's not fair.They should have realized that the previous company had promised to promote me, and they took away my opportunity at the last minute. ．Giving up: I can't face this, nothing will change, my future is ruined. It was understandable how Brienne felt, but his anger, self-attack, and attack on others made his situation worse.For him to come to terms with reality (the four possible outcomes), he must recognize that: he is sad (not angry) about it;Soon, he realized: this was not caused by his lack of self-confidence, and he could not "sit still and wait for death".Gradually, he began to think of a way.After recovering for a while, he found a new job.Accepting reality and finding ways to fix it was the most important reason for his recovery. "Everything is ruined" Depressed people often feel that everything is lost.Susan had carefully planned her own wedding, but her bridal makeup didn't look right and it was raining all the time, which left her very disappointed.She thought, "What a wedding, my clothes and the bad weather ruined everything. I've never had it, why can't it all work out for me one day?" She only cared about her Disappointed and outraged by the costumes and weather, with no regard for the beauty of the wedding day.She couldn't hide her disappointment and couldn't enjoy her honeymoon.She always wondered: How did things end up this way? Later, when she was able to consider the positive aspects of her life, she let go of this all-or-nothing way of thinking.She also realized that she saw clothing and the weather as a personal attack on herself.Likewise, she realized that anger was affecting her happiness.Much of her frustration and disappointment in life stemmed from this "everything is ruined" concept.It took a lot of effort for her to come to terms with the reality of the wedding, but it brought about a noticeable lift in her spirits. Behind the feeling that "everything is ruined" is the idea that things are irreparable.In such cases, it is better to think of ways to make amends than to wallow in the notion of "complete failure."Of course, we need time to experience pain and disappointment, and I am not in favor of suppressing disappointment with reason, because it will only make disappointment stronger. When we're depressed, we feel like we've missed other people and let them down.We also think that they are better off without us.Some children feel guilty about letting their parents down.They don't think they should be who they are, and they think this way because they focus too much on their own shortcomings and underestimate their own strengths; or they may be disappointed with their parents because they don't give them enough. Appreciate and follow.In individual cases, people will think that they have spoiled the good deeds of others, and thus become a burden to others, so that they think of suicide. If you think your business has been messed up, or someone else's good work has been ruined, you should say how you feel, not guess.Since it's all caused by depression, you can't blame yourself.You want to see if you have an all-or-nothing mindset that overgeneralizes or detracts from the positive aspects of things.Is "everything" ruined? Is there no good place? Are you being too negative? Are you attacking yourself? Are your predictions of the future being too negative? What possibilities of future life are you denying? loss of good relationship We often want our partners to be beautiful, chic, gentle, and understanding.When it comes to sex, we always want our sex lives to be like rechargeable batteries that never run out.When we talk about our ideal lover, we never associate them with illness, irritability, stress, or taking us for granted, nor do we imagine them falling in love with someone else. Hannah had various fantasies about love when she was young. She imagined that two people are very close, telepathic, without any conflicts. She believes that "love can surpass everything".Her ideals are not uncommon, but when her relationship goes awry, she feels overwhelmed because her ideals are shattered so easily. At the beginning of their relationship, she had a good relationship with Varun, and their sex life was harmonious.Hannah was sure they would be happily married, and she had many beautiful dreams about it.However, just six months into their marriage, they suffered a serious setback.Negotiations to buy their home were unsuccessful and they had to find another place to live.At this time, housing prices have risen, and houses of the same area have to pay a lot more.Warren felt that life had deceived him, and he became depressed, withdrawn, and even depressed.Although Hannah is also upset about the house, she is more concerned about the changes in her relationship with Warren.The gap between her ideal love and real love is getting wider and wider.Here's a list of the differences between her ideals and reality: ideal Reality Have fun together. Can't go out, no money. There is no conflict. Conflicts increased. understand each other. Do not understand each other. Feel close to each other. Feel alienated from each other. — Disappointment Gap —— ．Self attack: maybe I did something wrong, if Valen loves me, he should communicate with me more, maybe he doesn't love me anymore.I thought maybe it was my fault that he was angry, that he was no longer interested in sex, which meant I was no longer sexually attracted to him.I should have done better, maybe I picked the wrong guy. ．Attacking others: This is another side of him, he should handle this, he should understand my needs, he is too selfish, too emotional. ．Giving up: There's no point talking to him about it, I can't change the situation, I've failed. Warren had the same ideals and expectations for their relationship.The problem with them is this: when their ideals are disillusioned, they tend to blame themselves or others, which makes the problem worse.In fact, they must realize that their ideals are not realistic.It is painful to realize this. Gradually, Hannah begins to realize that their problems are not about love, but are caused by the harsh realities of life.Also, Varun's depression was neither her fault nor an indication that something was wrong with their relationship.They must talk about their feelings, encourage each other, and face the difficulties they encounter together.Hannah had been afraid to talk about their feelings before this because she was afraid that Varen would blame herself for causing his unhappiness. Later, she stopped thinking that the problems they were facing were caused by a lack of love.Warren also had to admit that his anger had damaged their relationship as a couple; he needed to shake off his sense of injustice and the notion that "it's not fair, it shouldn't be like this." Likewise, he recognized his emotions The impact on Hannah. Eventually, they learned a positive attitude to life and stopped fighting each other over setbacks. ideal "other" We often have ideal models of "others" in our minds. The "other" could be a friend, a sexual partner, a child, or a parent.But ideals are ideals after all, and will not become reality.If our ideals are too far from reality, we are likely to be disappointed. Anna believes that her mother never loved her.Therefore, she constructed an image of an ideal mother in her mind: loving, gentle, and kind.This image has helped her through a lot of difficulties.In therapy, I encouraged her to imagine how her ideal mother would treat her in order to help her combat negative self-aggressive notions.Unfortunately, Anna was always thinking: "Why can't my mother be like I expect? She should be better to me, maybe I behave better, she can be nicer to me." Unfortunately, her mother was never like Anna hoped so. Having a mental image of what we want goes a long way in helping us challenge negative self-aggressive notions.But when we blur the line between ideal and reality by thinking “that’s how other people should be,” we run into trouble and, ultimately, disappointment. Sometimes we are disappointed despite other people's best efforts to be gentle and considerate to us.If our ideals are too high, we become critical, and instead of appreciating what others do for us, we pay too much attention to what others don't do.If we are honest, we can feel selfish.We only focus on whether others meet our requirements.We feel dissatisfied when others do not meet our needs. Disappointed by subjective experience So far, we've discussed how we get disappointed by people or things that stand in the way of our goals, that affect our relationships.Another source of disappointment is subjective feeling.Some depressed patients go to bed hoping to wake up feeling better the next day, however, they are often disappointed that they are still the same.If they could say to themselves, "I'm disappointed by this, but it takes time to get out of depression. Starting today, I'll take one small step at a time and see how it goes." Maybe it would ease their pain.Unfortunately, depressed people often feel angry and disappointed when they wake up listless in the morning.They often attack themselves, predict that the day will be bad, and demand that they "should" get better, which makes their situation even worse.There are other factors that can lead to disappointment, let's look at some examples. Dan has suffered from anxiety disorders for many years, and he feels that he is not enjoying life well.He developed a powerful fantasy that if his anxiety disorder was cured, he would live like other people, especially like his younger brother, who was accomplished in the arts.When I met him, he was terrified that he would die from an anxiety attack, unable to breathe.He came to realize that an anxiety attack would not have killed him.By learning to relax, he has better control over his anxiety attacks and his symptoms have improved well.He recovered quickly and even traveled around Europe.But when he came back, he fell ill again.He was depressed, angry, and suicidal. Through talking, I found that all these are caused by his unrealistic ideals.Dan fantasized that if his anxiety symptoms healed, he would be able to do many things and make up for the past many years of his life.In his imagination, he would be like others, travel and be a successful person.In his words, "eventually participate in the competition among men".He once thought that normal people would never be anxious, and at the same time, he also hoped that there would be some kind of magical cure for anxiety, and once cured, it would never recur.However, according to his own account, during his travels to Europe, he experienced anxiety that he had not expected. Inspired by me, he lays out the differences between his "ideal self" (without anxiety) and his "real self" (how he feels in the moment) at the time: ideal self actual self like others different from others able to enjoy life life is painful self-confidence/success fail have the spirit of exploration full of fear Our conversation went as follows: Paul: From what I can see, you prepared a lot for this trip, but you're disappointed in yourself.what happened when i came back Dan: I started looking back at it all and thinking, "Why is life so hard for me? Why am I always battling anxiety?" I put so much effort into this trip and I thought I should have had more fun, Doing more. And it made me feel like I was struggling. So I lay in bed and spent the day thinking: How bad is this all, what went wrong? Paul: So this trip didn't live up to your expectations? Dan: Oh, yes, that's far from it. Paul: How did you feel when you found out that the trip didn't live up to your expectations? Dan: I thought, I should have more fun, if I'm really better, I should play better; if I feel better than I used to, I should do more.I'll never be better, it's too late, too much work. Paul: It seems that all of this has disappointed you very much. Dan: Yeah, it was a huge disappointment, and it got even worse when I got back. Paul: How would you rate yourself? Dan: I failed, I just felt like a cripple, and despite all the treatment for so long, it wasn't getting better. Paul: Let's go back and look at your ideal self and your actual self and see if I get it right.For many years you have dreamed about what would happen if you recovered from your illness.But you find that you are still struggling to do things, which disappoints you.Once disappointed, you start attacking yourself, thinking you're a failure, it's too late, your "real" self can't be changed, isn't it? Dan: Yeah, that's it. Paul: Do you find that the disappointment of not being there leads to self-attacks, and the more you feel like a failure, the worse your anxiety and depressive symptoms become? Dan: Well, yes. Paul: Well, you're disappointed to have yet another anxiety attack.Do you feel anxious all the time? Dan: Nope. Paul: I see.OK, let's talk about something else, tell me what was the funniest thing about this trip? Dan: (thinking for a moment) There are some interesting things about this trip.We once climbed to a labyrinthine castle on top of a hill…. When Dan started talking about the positive aspects of the trip, his mood began to improve.He stopped focusing too much on the negative aspects and began to have a fair and objective evaluation of the trip.I'm not saying here that you should "focus on the good things," but that you should recognize that there may be some positive things in your life that may become the building blocks for your turnaround.It's easy to focus on your own disappointment, and after the session ended, Dan began to feel proud that he had been to Europe, something that would have been impossible a year earlier.He hadn't magically cured his anxiety, but was making strides toward it. Dan gradually understands the relationship between his ideals, his disappointments, and his self-aggressions.As Dan showed in his travels, when his ideals were not being met, he was prone to neglecting or overthinking the positive aspects of life.His "frustration" and "anger" ruined the good things he experienced, an all-or-nothing mindset full of "shoulds."For Dan, these "shoulds" are hopes, wishes, and aspirations. As he accepted the fact that his ideals were impossible to achieve, his depressive symptoms began to improve.Instead of focusing on the good life he lost and the injustice that anxiety caused him, he focused on what he could do.His depressive symptoms and self-aggressions improved significantly. disappointed in myself We may be disappointed, and we discourage ourselves by not living up to our own standards or ideals.Instead of accepting our limitations and flaws (i.e. we tried our best, but things still didn't turn out the way we wanted), we turn to self-aggression, and we don't seem to believe that we can produce good results.We blame ourselves the same way a master blames a slave for not doing things right, and this disappointment in self is a huge problem. Lisa wishes she could be as confident as her best friend, and she hopes that she will always be in a good state of mind and never feel angry, anxious or depressed.She has two perceptions of herself (her ideal self and her actual self), which contradict each other: ideal self actual self Calm and confident fear, anxiety diligent Lazy concern for others angry at others — Disappointment Gap —— ．Self-Attack: Oh God, I'm getting myself down again, why am I always anxious? Why can't I settle down and do something? I'm a poor piece of shit. ．Attacking people: why do they always seem so confident? I hate them, they don't know how hard it is for me. ．Back off: I'd better not try, because I'm not going to succeed.I'm doomed to fail, to disappoint myself, and I can't trust myself. In fact, both Lisa's ideal self and actual self are unrealistic. Her ideal self cannot be realized at any time, and her actual self (which she calls her depressed self) negates all positive aspects. A product of all-or-nothing and overgeneralizing thinking. Indeed, we cannot trust ourselves to never be anxious, to always be the best, and to never make mistakes.The crux of the matter is: How do we cope with my sense of mistakes and disappointments? Anger over setbacks is a form of self-attack that is not only unhelpful, but in extreme cases can drive us into depression.Learning to see ourselves as fallible, conflicted, and confused beings is our first step toward self-acceptance. Fang Na has been trying to have a baby for three years.She once imagined what kind of changes the child would bring to her life, and she was immersed in the beautiful imagination: the smiling face of the baby and the happy family.However, childbearing is painful and difficult.Her son is not very healthy and cries all the time, but coaxing is useless.She found it difficult to live with him.At one point she felt exhausted and wanted to get rid of him.It never occurred to her that her feelings were a natural reaction of a mother after giving birth.She just thinks that she is not a good mother.She thought, if she is a good mother, she should love her child tirelessly, so that her child will not get sick.She was deeply ashamed of how she felt.She didn't tell her family doctor, or even mention her exhaustion and her desire to escape to her husband.She thought her feelings made her a bad person; the reality of her life shattered her ideals. Let us analyze Fang Na's ideal conception of motherhood: ideal self actual self happy, calm Nervous, exhausted, many sleepless nights love your children desire to escape, desire to attack able to soothe children he is difficult to appease — Disappointment Gap —— ．Self attack: I think I should take care of him, but I feel terrible when he cries.I wanted to leave him, close the door, and not hear him cry.I couldn't handle it, I was a weak, incompetent, bad mother.If other people knew what was going on in my head, they would hate me, lock me up, or take my son away.Maybe I don't deserve to be a mother, and I hate how I feel. ．Aggressive: Why is my son always crying? He doesn't like me.If only he could sleep like other kids.It's not fair, why are other people so happy with kids? I hate them, it's not fair. ．Giving up: there's nothing I can do about it.I can only bear it all passively or run away.No one will understand me. Postpartum depression and exhaustion are not common.If you are in the same situation, don't be ashamed of it.You are not alone in this problem.Tell your family doctor how you feel: you want to run away, you want to attack someone, etc.You may need professional help, counseling, or medication to improve your emotional state, or you can talk to other mothers who have been through a similar situation.When you stop attacking yourself and realize that you need help, you are moving toward recovery.Postpartum depression is disappointing and sad.You may be going through a lot of strange feelings, but don't be ashamed of it and try to comfort yourself with your rational/compassionate thinking as much as possible. internal tormentor says rational/compassionate thinking You can't handle it, you're a failure as a mother.You are a trash/bad thing. Complex changes have taken place within my body. It's natural to feel tired and bored.Certain changes in the production process can lead to some strange, weird feelings. If I'm not coping well, maybe I need help, and I'm going to go to my doctor for advice and help.I don't want to listen to self-critical voices, it just brings me down.I'm going to take my feelings seriously and try to find a solution. If I stopped beating myself up, I wouldn't feel ashamed, and they might be disappointed in me, but these feelings are common to some women.So my feelings don't mean I'm bad, it just means I need help. When we're feeling down, some optimist, or seemingly omnipotent person, may order us to cheer up.There may also be people who constantly criticize us, or tell us how capable they are, making us feel like a failure compared to them.But remember, don’t be influenced by them! Our feelings are our feelings, and let’s not attack ourselves for it.We have to look at it with confidence and tackle it in the way that suits us best.