Chapter 18 Chapter 16 Perfectionism and Competitiveness: Why the Secret to Success Is Dare to Fail

Depressed patients are often amazed by my assertion that "the secret of success lies in daring to fail".Our society values ​​success and achievement so much that we are all incapable of failure.Success is like love, take care of yourself.Many of the problems we encounter stem not from success but from failure.The way we cope with setbacks and failures can lead us into depression, especially if we start attacking ourselves or loathing ourselves.Learning not to attack yourself after failure helps to increase the control over your emotions. One of the reasons failure is such a serious problem is that we all become perfectionists and competitors without realizing it.Failure is terrible for us.At this point, it should be noted that when I sometimes call some people perfectionists for the sake of simplicity, I am strictly speaking of perfectionist behavior.When we're depressed, we're more prone to perfectionist tendencies.

Before discussing perfectionism, we need to remember that failure is a part of life and inevitable.Take the example of learning a skill: Whether it’s learning to play the piano, learn to play tennis, or a baby learning to walk, failure often lays the groundwork in the first place.If a baby gives up after the first somersault, he will never learn to walk.However, when we grow up, we often expect ourselves to be right from the beginning, which is of course impossible for human beings. If we can face failure without being intimidated by it, our chances of success are greater and we are more relaxed.Perfectionism and a sense of competition and unrealistic ideals are a big part of what makes failure unbearable.If you have high perfectionist tendencies, you will experience a lot of failure.Perfectionists are unfortunate.perfectionism

In a way, perfectionists have higher ideals.Thinking that they must realize their ideals or they are worthless.In reality, perfectionism is more complicated than that.Research by Canadian psychologist Paul Hurt Seldon Follett and colleagues found that three forms of perfectionism are often present: ．Self-directed perfectionism: Self-set high goals and demand perfection; when they fail to meet the set standards, they blame themselves excessively and become annoyed by setbacks. ．Other-Oriented Perfectionism: People place high demands on others and become angry at them if they don't meet the standards they set.This kind of perfectionist always finds faults in others instead of seeing their strengths.

．Societal Standards Perfectionism: These perfectionists believe that society sets too high expectations of them, and they feel ashamed that they will be rejected by society if they don't meet the set standards. So far, we haven't figured out to what extent perfectionism contributes to depression.One of the causes of perfectionism is the fear of failure, which is closely related to people's sense of competition.The real problem with perfectionism is this fear of failure, especially in people who are used to beating themselves up for failure.Sometimes perfectionism can lead to disappointment or a "feeling of failure," which in turn can lead to depression.

Sense of competition Are you satisfied with being an average person? How would you feel if someone commented that you were average as a lover, husband, doctor, driver, or cook? In some ways, we may be content with being average , such as for those who are not good at, performance generally means playing well.But would you be happy with yourself being mediocre? If you were entertaining guests, would you be happy with something like “Thank you for making us so many ordinary meals”? If you were doing things with other people, would you be happy with Satisfied that others think you are performing? Probably yes, but often we need to feel special, at least some of the time.For some people (such as our parents or romantic partners), it can be frustrating if someone thinks that their parents treat them the same as others.The desire to be someone special is normal.In fact, telling someone they're average is often seen as demeaning: "What! Just average?"

You can find out where your sense of competition lies through the following two questions.First, in what areas do you care about what others do or achieve? Your answers will tell you where you are competitive.This competitive motivation (the drive to succeed, to be seen as special by others) plays a role in depression. Some perfectionism is associated with a sense of competition.Competitive perfectionists often see life as a competition.This type of perfectionist comes in two flavors: The first is what I call the "catch-up competition," where these people do everything they can to be like others, they pay attention to what other people think, and they say to themselves, "Other people can do it." If I can do it, I should do it too." They are constantly chasing others, and they are afraid that they will not be as good as others, that they will be seen as incompetent or inferior.They are full of social comparison thoughts, and when others are better than themselves, they will have negative thoughts and emotions.

For example, seeing her friend decorate her bedroom and make new curtains, Wollenika thought, “My friend is good at these things, and I should do the same. Worse than her." Vronnica constantly pursues the standards set by others, and strives to learn what others do.Ordinary people also have this tendency, but perfectionists demand that they "always" be on the same starting line as others, otherwise they will attack themselves.They hold themselves to high standards because they believe others have already met them.They may deny that they are doing it, but it is easy to see in them their motivation to avoid being seen as weak.Once trapped in this way of life, they will regard the standards of those around them as goals to strive for, and lose their own goals.

The second form is "preemptive competition," the desire to be seen as special, unique, or superior.This is the case with people who are perfectionist about their diet or their weight.Ursula, who suffers from anorexia, sees controlling her weight and staying in shape as a strength over others, and sees it as her advantage.Adja was a keen tennis player, and he had been the best member of the club.However, since someone who played better than him came to the club, Edgar became too concerned about his own performance.If his skills are inferior to those of the new members, he will try his best to value himself.The motto of this kind of person who is used to "taking the lead" is "only ten positions, that is the first place".Of course, some people will cheat to win, and while they love competition, they are not perfectionists.They will be content with their superiority in any area.The most important sign to recognize competitive perfectionism is: Striving to meet standards.

Competitive perfectionists often don't recognize that they act to win or to stand out.But their performance often makes it visible.They don't like to come second, and they get upset when people who aren't as good as them outperform them.Like catch-up competitors, their standards can be derived from those around them rather than themselves.They are also extremely sensitive to the opinions of others. Many people have this psychological tendency more or less.In fact, evolutionarily speaking, those who are not good at competition cannot carry on their genes.As we have seen, most people want to be able to keep up with others, to impress others, to be accepted by others, to be special.However, for perfectionists, these characteristics are very obvious. They believe that falling short of standards means that they may become weak and lose the approval and admiration of others.This notion can lead them to anger and self-attack.

Facts have shown that Adja's competitive perfectionism is not limited to tennis.A few years ago, his next-door neighbor remodeled the kitchen. Before that, Edgar never thought that he should also change the structure of the kitchen.You can imagine what happened later, when he saw the neighbor's kitchen, he had to do it again, and it was better than the neighbor's.If he doesn't live up to what he considers to be his standard, he quickly becomes frustrated.When I asked him what he thought at the time, he said, "I bet he didn't have to work hard to get his kitchen done. I have to do better than that, or I'll feel like he's better than me. I am an incompetent person."

Some people, even if they fall short, set high standards for themselves.Frank is an artist, and he thinks his work should be seen differently.If others did not appreciate his work, he condemned himself violently and was full of anger.If he heard that other painters (whom he considered inferior) had won prizes, or received public recognition, he would flare up and sink into depression.He often felt ignored, belittled, and denied the admiration he craved.Before the treatment, he never thought that his paintings were great, but he still insisted that his works must be great, and people must appreciate his works. Social circumstances often induce perfectionist behavior, which is often perceived as competitive.Some people with social anxiety disorder believe that they have to be funny, and that being boring or ordinary is something they see as scary.They constantly monitor their behavior to keep it on a playful level, which heightens their anxiety and makes some simple conversations difficult.Imagine that you are about to attend a party. Before you speak, you tell yourself: cc Others will think my words are boring and boring. I can't attract them. They would rather talk to other people. "Over time, you become anxious. Social anxiety disorder is exactly that. Their ideal of being a good socializer is so extreme that he thinks that if he doesn't, he will be punished." repel. No matter what you think, perfectionism, following others, and chasing success aren't doing you any good, at least not making your life enjoyable.The results of the research show that perfectionists are unhappy in life, they are prone to depression, anxiety, anger, and often have problems such as anorexia and alcoholism. All in. Before we get too deep into the discussion, let's get one thing straight.Many people agree that doing our best is a good idea, that if something is worth doing, we can put effort into it.But the question is: how much effort? Even if you work 20 hours a day, in principle you could still say, I should have worked 21 hours a day.If perfectionism standards are not met, they must say: I should have put in more effort! The problem is obvious, people's goals are constantly changing. The same is true for other-oriented perfectionists, who believe that even though you put in a lot of effort, you should have put in more effort.Sarah studied very hard for the exam. Although her grades were not the best, she still performed well.Although she studied for a long time every day, her parents still thought she should have worked harder.Not only did Sarah not think her parents' demands were unreasonable, but she accepted their views, feeling guilty and ashamed of her grades.Her parents didn't seem to pay attention to her efforts, but only to her leisure time.In her future life, Sarah may not be able to correctly judge what kind of effort is reasonable. Another problem with perfectionists is that they judge themselves and others by the results they get, not by the effort.If the desired result is not achieved, no amount of effort will be considered insufficient by them.Completed Tina often panicked at home: the house needed to be cleaned, the kids had to be taken to school, she never had enough time, and she felt like, “I have to do it all.” Talking to her used to make me feel exhausted! She Behind the notion is the thought, "If I don't get everything done, I'm going to disappoint other people. They expect so much from me. Other women don't just do the housework, they go out to work. If I can't even do the housework, it means I'm incompetent." After several sessions, Tina and I worked together to find a corrective: ．I'm imposing those standards on myself. ·I should prioritize the things that need to be done, and I should understand that I don't have to do all the work. ．Frankly speaking, some housework is boring, I am lonely at home alone, which is why I don't like doing housework, not because I am incompetent. ．I need time to do things I enjoy, like seeing friends, even though it may keep me from doing chores. ．I should proceed step by step and solve problems one by one, rather than grasping everything at once. Tina didn't like her husband helping her because she saw housework as her own responsibility, and although her husband was willing to help Tina, when Tina accepted his help, she felt that he was not doing as thoroughly as she wanted.Her perfectionism dictates that she won't be satisfied with anyone's help.Also, she feels guilty about needing her husband's help with housework. Fear of disappointment and avoiding feeling guilty are intrinsic motivations for some perfectionists to strive for perfection.In addition, the attempt to "control" is one of the motivations for perfection. Tina believes that if she does not control the situation, "everything will go wrong and disaster will happen." This kind of thinking makes her feel important, but has no Benefits.” Without me, they couldn’t handle it. ” Such thoughts are not uncommon among perfectionists. Loss of happiness Perfectionists tend to isolate themselves from happiness.They rarely take pleasure in the process, they only care about the result.For example, when ordinary people paint, they may enjoy breathing fresh air and smearing paint on the canvas at will.Sometimes, they try hard at new tricks and have fun doing it.While perfectionists rarely have this kind of fun in the painting process, the idea that often occurs in their minds is: "Is my painting good enough?" The painter Frank once told me that if he cannot express the image in his mind on the canvas on, he would be furious.Even sexual perfectionists often get so focused on their movements that they forget to enjoy them.They often ask themselves "must do it".One of my patients, who was used to hiking in the past, complained that he should have gone more places; in his opinion, it was the distance traveled that really mattered.He often sets the standard for himself: "Will I be able to walk 20 miles today?" Although the weather may be sunny, the countryside is beautiful, and the flowers are blooming, he doesn't notice it at all, because he is too concerned with the miles at that time, so he can walk as much as possible. Go fast. From a certain perspective, we can think of this behavior as "joy from achievement".In a depressed state, people feel that they have not achieved enough and thus lose the ability to enjoy life. The disappointment and dissatisfaction experienced by perfectionists can lead to a series of emotional disturbances: guilt, anger, frustration, shame, jealousy, and anxiety, which create misery in our lives.Perfectionism and the Internal Tormentor One of the problems with perfectionism and a sense of competition is that the inner tormentor directs the frustration-induced anger at the ego.A competitive person may "adopt" self-critical beliefs, believing that they cannot succeed without being hard on themselves.Take Barry as an example. He clearly knows that he has a strong tendency to self-torture, he hates failure, and knows that self-torture is an important reason for his depression and interpersonal barriers, but he is unwilling to face this.When I asked him to dissect his self-torture tendencies, his self-torture read as follows: Barry is basically a lazy guy who needs me to push him into action.He can't do anything without me.He will often fall into pain, despair, no one will respect him, he is a loser.Fundamentally, he is a weak and useless man. When Barry pondered these concepts, he was amazed.However, he still believes that these views are correct, and he passively accepts self-criticism.Later, on reflection, he found that his self-critical tone echoed that of his father.At first, he thought it was difficult to challenge these concepts, and through learning, he had the following thoughts: Actually, I'm not as lazy as you think.Quite frankly, it was you, the inner tormentor, who knocked me out and drove me into depression, which in turn caused me...a lot of trouble.You often hit me when I'm down. If you really want to succeed as you said, the best way is to give me support and love when the environment is bad.I can do a lot more if I have confidence, not fear, anger and disappointment. Barry eventually learned to control his self-torture.Figured it out first, for years he'd listened to the slander of his inner tormentor, never protested, just—seriously listened to it, pacified it.Yet as I often say to my patients: Never appease the inner tormentor, as appeasing makes it stronger. If we don't control our internal tormentors, they will knock us down when we fail, making it difficult for us to recover from setbacks.Moreover, they prevent us from enjoying the ordinary pleasures in life.They just tell us: "Do, do, do, and when you're done, do more." Barry also became more and more aware that he had no motive of his own.He has few interests or aspirations, and all success comes from the prodding of his inner tormentor.This made him very sad, because, in fact, Barry was a kind and understanding person.He would have achieved more if he had been able to live his life on his own terms, rather than at the behest of his inner tormentor.In fact, we often get so used to doing things under the sway of our inner tormentor that we lose our own joy, excitement, and desire to succeed.You can think of it this way: you want to have sex because you think you should, and others assume you will, so how can you find your sexual desire and sexual pleasure? How can you be satisfied with your sexual desire Driven? You can't, and the most control you can exert is in saying "no" to your desires. When people resolve not to do something, we should see it as a rebellion against self-torture, not laziness.Many people don't realize this until after graduation.For example, I don't like English, my teacher thought I was lazy, and I had to force myself to work hard.Later, when I was no longer under the pressure of exams, I really started to study and write.This was after I didn't have to work hard for it anymore. So if you only do what others want you to do, or what your inner tormentor forces you to do, you will lose interest in the event and become bored.Get rid of that stress (challenge your inner tormentor) and you'll find a new source of motivation to motivate you. Desire for merit and fear of failure Sometimes, our sense of competition comes hand in hand with our illusions about success.If our ideals are too high to be realized, we will live in chronic disappointment.Sometimes, we think, "I want to be a character, not a mediocre person.,"Anyone or anything that stands in the way of this ideal makes us angry and creates frustration. The ideal, by itself Words are good, but if we fall into the trap of "I have to live up to my ideals, otherwise it's all meaningless", we lose the ability to feel the joy of living in the "now" and focus only on our own ideals. And the gap between the current and ideal state. Secondly, the "desire for success" will hide the deep-seated "fear of disappointment". The study found that those who are particularly afraid of failure have the following tendencies: ．Focus on leads that might fail rather than leads that might succeed. ．It is easy to blame yourself. ．It is easy to feel worthless. ．Lack of energy and difficulty concentrating. ．Decision making is difficult. The constant fear of "doing the wrong thing" will cause dire losses. Another important aspect of "fear of failure" is that it is not related to the desire to succeed.I've found that people who fear failure rarely enjoy success.They'll just be relieved that they didn't fail.For example, after Hai Rui passed the exam, his greatest feeling was: I did not fail.He found it difficult to fit into the celebratory atmosphere of his classmates.After getting married, his main feeling was: "Oh, thank God, I finally got through this." When he got his first promotion, he thought, "It's finally easy, I passed my first Big test." Hai Rui seldom thinks: "If I succeed, wouldn't it be wonderful?" Instead, he thinks: "If I fail, wouldn't it be terrible?" For him, life is constantly avoiding difficulties struggle. Self-validation and self-centeredness Some types of perfectionism and competitiveness are self-centered.Dwelling on it will prevent us from being honest with others.Suppose you come to me for consultation, which one do you want to choose: am I interested in you and do everything I can to help you, or do I not want to fail, or I don’t want to be seen as a failure and try to prove myself? Another example, imagine your lover Which possibility do you prefer to have sex with you: Is he or she willing to share the joy with you, or is it to show you that he or she is a master at this? Unfortunately, some perfectionists are so self-centered that they see every activity as a test of themselves.If they lose, they think, "What does this mean to me?" Because they haven't got their inner tormentor in check, they can't afford to lose.In fact, this has nothing to do with others, it is all about our self-feeling.Of course, this is not your typical "all or nothing" way of thinking (just a matter of degree), but I hope you can see the problem: the more you can control your internal tormentor (frustration), the less you will Self-centered, so as to build more satisfying relationships. Perfectionism, Pride, and Hope Stand Out Sometimes, our perfectionism and sense of competitiveness are just a means to prevent shame, our motto is: "If we are perfect, we can not be criticized, blamed or humiliated." Proud of the standard of doctrine.So when we hit that mark, we feel great. Kay, a dancer and a classic perfectionist, is emotional and rarely satisfied with her performances.At times, she forced herself to endure physical pain, often causing even greater trouble.At this point, she would slip into a depressed state, annoyed with her body.True, she has reached great heights, but she has never been happy with her success.Even if there is, it is short-lived.Her motto was: "You're doing the same as last time." In therapy, we traced the source of these standards back to her relationship with her father.As a child, she had to do things that would make her father proud in order to gain his approval.Her father never expressed strong feelings, positive or negative.But Kay believed that if she became famous, or did something special, it would definitely attract her father's attention and appreciation (love).What she didn't realize as she grew up was that seeking her father's approval became her internal drive for perfection. Kay exhibits the commonality of perfectionists: the desire to be seen as someone special who deserves love and attention by doing certain things to make others proud of themselves, to attract attention from others.We think that other people have high standards, or that they need to be met to please them. But ask yourself: Why am I living up to the standards I set? You have to be honest with yourself.Here are some perfectionist answers: ．I want to be noticed. ．I want to be special, not mediocre. ．I want others to see how good I am. ．I don't want people to see my bad side. ．I want to be criticized, to avoid being seen as a worthless person. ．Life is meaningless without success. ．I cannot disappoint others. ．I must be good at something. The key to the problem is not what wishes and ideals you have, the most important thing is that you have to be able to accept the result that your wishes have not been realized.If you say, "I want to be noticed," there's nothing wrong with that, but if you say, "I have to be noticed, or they'll see me as incompetent and I'll feel worthless." There will be problems.Just as setbacks and failures can lead to anger at yourself or others, it can also lead to depression. Personal pride and perfectionism Those with eating disorders that lead to scrawny skin often have extreme perfectionist tendencies and a sense of competition.However, they are proud of themselves that they are in control of their diet and weight.Standing on the scale, when they see themselves lose weight, they feel excited and proud of their results; conversely, when they see themselves gain weight, they feel shame and depression.They pay too much attention to the type and calories of the food they eat, which is a classic example of shame turned into pride.They're ashamed of their bodies, or they don't think they have anything to be proud of, so they come up with the idea of ​​dieting.The pride that comes with losing weight drives them to keep dieting. Once shame turns into pride, it can be very difficult to change.Helping these people gain weight will be seen by them as trying to take away the only thing they can be proud of (weight loss).This problem is very different from an anxiety attack. No one likes an anxiety attack, so therapist and patient can work together on how to deal with it. But people with anorexia want to lose weight, they want to retain their idealized standards. Perfectionist tendencies and competitive minds of all kinds demand that they keep their house spotless, excel at sports, get everything done, and so on.They are unwilling to give up their pursuit.However, they must change their attitude towards failure and setbacks.For those involved in sports, the loss of self-confidence and depression caused by not meeting the established standards can be very harmful.Pride and self-confidence Pride and self-confidence are quite different things.In fact, we call pride "false confidence."The reason for this is that pride depends on your performance, that is, how you think others will judge you, which is not self-confidence.Although you have confidence in yourself when you meet established standards, that confidence is fragile.When failure comes, your confidence evaporates like morning dew. True quotes come from having confidence in yourself as a person, that you can face success or failure without disappointment, anger, self-blame, or despair.You will neither get carried away with your success nor depressed and depressed by your setbacks.You may have a strong desire to do well, to perform well, and to work so hard for it, but deep down, you can accept who you really are.The real source of self-confidence is self-acceptance.For better or worse, you have to accept who you are, otherwise, it means you are only being friendly to yourself for a while.True friendship and acceptance manifest themselves as self-support in difficult times. Jealousy and Competitiveness A sense of competition can sometimes lead to jealousy, and we cannot tolerate others surpassing us in certain areas.Alex is a student of psychotherapy, very capable, but he never listens to my guidance and advice.He made me wonder whether my proposal was critical.He took a defensive approach to each of my suggestions and refuted them.After a while, I have to admit, he pissed me off.He didn't learn anything from me and seemed to despise the techniques I taught him.I pointed out to him that he seemed to want to be a "great" psychotherapist without having to learn the hard way. Through several difficult exchanges, he realized that when he was a child, his parents were full of perfectionistic and competitive demands on him.His parents didn't allow him to fail, so in his view, if I taught him how to improve himself, he would think he was "not good enough".His shame b is heavy, so he can't see that there are some valuable things in others to learn.In groups, he is also a jealous, competitive person who always wants to outdo others.If he finds that others know more than he does and he has to improve, he will feel imperfect.For him, recognizing his need for advice or training was tantamount to acknowledging his own weaknesses and limitations. Shame-prone and competitive, they are bad for others and themselves because they are always on the defensive.If others are better than him, or criticize him, he will feel bad that other people's success is his failure.Competitive jealousy can trigger depression because it blocks awareness of one's own needs, as well as one's own weaknesses.They also often compare with others, and then are dissatisfied and complain about success, status, titles, etc.They fail to help successful people and try to interfere with their efforts. Jealousy, sometimes expressed as feelings of inadequacy and anger at one's situation.American psychologist Horney gave an example in her book "Desire for Power, Fear of Using Power": A woman in a helpless state wants to use her state to force her mother to care for her, while also protecting her mother from her envy of the rights that older women have.Through free association, she said: "I hate her. But there is nothing I can do. She can only discredit her by imagining her hunched over, or telling herself that she looks elegant because she is shallow. I have nothing against her." Way, I would love to destroy her, get rid of her, or just tell her what I think of her. I too,) gen you (therapist), because you are so strong. I feel powerless, I can't change you. I Kissing you and then leaving you in resentment is passive anger." Although she used to think that this was a manifestation of her own sense of competition, but later, she gradually realized the essential difference between the sense of competition and jealousy: there is an element of hostility in jealousy, which tries to destroy or hurt the object of envy; Yet one can care a lot about a rivalry without wanting to hurt the other.Unlike envy, the goal of competitive awareness is success. If you find this in yourself, you should try to change it.Shouyou, you need to know that you are not the only one in this situation.Second, discovering this tendency in yourself means that you are one step closer to understanding and changing the situation.If you realize that you have a jealous attitude, concept or emotion, don't attack yourself, in fact, this is a progress.When we are depressed, we also envy those who are not depressed, as—"A poor man said to me: "Sometimes, I just want to whip the smile off their faces and let them taste how I feel, that way They will no longer be complacent. "If you're angry at other people, sometimes, it's likely that that anger stems from jealousy. Challenge the sense of competition and perfectionism To challenge competitiveness and perfectionism, we must first recognize them in ourselves.However, we cannot discover these tendencies in ourselves. One way to tap into your own sense of competitiveness and perfectionism is to write down the pros and cons of failure, as well as your fear of failure, for example: Pauline felt that she had a lot of chores to do every day.She denies that she's a perfectionist, dismissing it as a joke, saying, "There's no way I'm one." But when it comes to the pros and cons of keeping a house in order, her first thoughts are: "There's so much work to do, I have to do it all." Here's her breakdown of the pros and cons: The benefits of keeping your home organized ．I feel a sense of accomplishment. ．The sense of accomplishment makes me feel good. ．I'm here to prove that I'm not lazy. ·I can also prove that I am as good as others. ．My family expects me to do that. ·They will like me, love me and respect me more because of it. The Cons of Not Keeping Your Home Organized ．I would think of myself as lazy. ．I will disappoint my family. ·．This makes me show once again that I can't. ·My family members will be angry, disappointed, or even deny me. ．I would think of myself as a failure. ．I would feel so useless. These pros and cons are a perfectionist way of thinking, including: expecting approval from others (family); feeling lazy and worthless if you fail to meet your goals; and social comparison (other people do it, so I must do it too). You can think about Pauline's concept and think about how you will help her? What will you say to her? Do you agree with her idea? If you agree, then think about the implications. Went to Pauline's house and found her sitting dejectedly in the kitchen, unable to do anything.你对她说：“瞧，宝琳，你怎么这么懒，别人都会把家收拾得千干净净，为什么你不能?你的家人期望你做好，你却令他们失望，他们将对你大发雷霆。你不如其他人那样优秀，你毫无价值。”事实上，你不可能这样对待一个抑郁的人，甚至不会这样想(如果你的内部折磨者控制了你的观念，你可能会这样想，但却不会说出来)为什么?即使不是一个心理学家，你都会明白，这样做只能使她更加抑郁。因此，让我们想像一下，你到宝琳家来帮助她，你将如何对她说?首先，你必须对她的情绪敏感。 瞧，宝琳，你现在感到抑郁，因此所有的事情对你而言都像登山一样困难。让我们计划一下你能做的事，井从头开始。如果你做一件事，就表明你已前进了一步。 接着，你会找出她的自我攻击观念： 你知道，当你感觉良好时，你舱将家务处理得很好，这与懒惰无关。如果你真的懒惰，你就会翘起；郎腿，安然地读报纸。或许你已经厌烦?做家务，因此，你做起来感到困难；或许，你感到独自在家j艮孤独。如果真是这样，让我们考虑一下，看如何改变现状。但首先，你不要认为自己很懒惰。 下一步，你可能会指出她的社会比较观念： 别人在不抑郁时候能够做家务，但多数人在抑郁的时候也不愿做。与他人比较，只会使你感觉更加糟糕，你不要想别人能做什么，你只需要弄清自己能够做什么。 下一步，你可以与她谈论一下家庭期望： 你是否求助于你的家人?哈，我发现了，你认为这样做会使你依赖他们，井感到自己不如他们。但目前最重要的是，你要获得你所需要的帮助，表达自己的感受。有时，我们需要学会如何让他人帮助我们。你认为你的家人会因此批评你吗?你有这方面的证据吗?即使有，也说明他们对你要求太高。而且关键问题在于，如果他们指责你，你不一定要当作事实来接受。或许他们无法理解抑郁的感觉有多么糟糕。他们很幸运，但这不等于他们有权论断他人。当然，如果你向他们发怒或攻击他们，只会激起他们的防御反应。但如果你坦诚相待，他们会理解你的。你试过吗?你是对他人的帮助表示感激，还是抱怨着接受? 现在，你知道该如何帮助宝琳：首先，你必须认识抑郁，然后从小事做起，循序渐进；然后，你帮助宝琳停止自我攻击，转变全或无的思维观念(“我不得不全部做完它”)；再后，你帮助她克服向他人求助的心理障碍，因为你意识到家人的帮助对她很重要。你或许还会关注她的思维习惯，她是否忽略了生活中的积极方面?她是否过分概括化?你最不可能做的就是消极地对待她，因为你知道这样做没有用。 你现在知道了如何使用这种方法帮助宝琳，同样，你也可以将其用在自己身上。 我们已经讨论过宝琳的状况，从表面上看，这里不包含竞争意识或完美主义，事实上，两者都存在。原因有二：首先，如果宝琳认为所有的人都可能遇到这些问题，她就不会如此消极地对待自己；其次，她总想一次做完所有的事，而不会循序渐进。因此，她最好是学会少做点，而不是达到理想化状态。我举这一例子的另一个原因是，宝琳面临的问题，是抑郁状态下经常出现的。事实上，我们对自己的工作或成绩，抱有完美主义态度，并不是问题的关键，只有当人们希望做得更多，并且没有达到既定的目标时，问题才会出现。 要想解决这些问题，必须接受自己的极限：我们并不完美。我们应当接受挫折和失败，既不自我攻击，也不过分沮丧。我们不可能“全部做完”，但这不等于说我们不能向目标迈进。 在解决你所面临的问题方面，你并没有尽力。你应付失败或失望的方式导致了你的问题，这就是为什么说，成功的关键在于敢于失败。失败的时候，我们能够学会友善地对待自己。成功的时候，大家都会感到很开心。我们必须学会在失意的时候，减少自己的消极情绪。其次，我们也要学会排列主次，弄清哪些对我们而言是重要的，哪些不是。你认为是把全部精力用来把家收拾得一尘不染好呢?还是轻松地看待家务，把精力集中在如何处理好家庭关系上呢?成就比家庭关系更重要吗?