Chapter 16 Chapter Fourteen From Anger to Confidence to Forgiveness

In this chapter we discuss what to do when we feel angry (since anger in depressed states is often associated with hurt).This -- the point is not to express anger (at least we shouldn't express it in an angry or impulsive way), but to figure out what is frustrating us so that we can learn to be confident instead of become more aggressive. confidence What is self-confidence? Before thinking about how to be confident, we need to understand what self-confidence is.Research shows that assertiveness is associated with many behaviors.Wilhelm Arinder and his colleagues conducted research on assertive behavior in the Netherlands and concluded the following four points:

1.Expressing negative emotions: For example, dare to ask the person who disturbs you to change his behavior, express your anger, fight for your rights, and refuse others' requests.This is the first thing that comes to mind when confidence comes to mind. 2.Accepting and actively coping with personal limits: the ability to admit that you overlooked something, made a mistake, accept criticism, and feel comfortable asking questions. 3.Dare to express yourself: Dare to express different opinions and accept the differences between yourself and others. 4.Positive Behaviors: Being able to spot talents or achievements of others, being good at praising others, and being able to accept praise from others.

This chapter focuses on "Expression of Negative Affect".The theme of chapter 12 is shame. In this chapter, we mainly discuss how to face our own limits and not attack ourselves. The theme of chapter 11 is approval, which mainly discusses the importance of accepting approval and giving approval to others.From a certain point of view, the content discussed in the previous chapters is to help you how to be confident and how to improve your self-esteem. Insecure, Aggressive, and Assertive Behaviors When people lack self-confidence, they are either overly submissive, fearful, and quickly defeated in the face of conflict, or they are overly dominant and aggressive.The following table lists the differences between the three types of behavior in terms of non-verbal behavior, emotion, and perception.While there are occasions when expressing anger can be beneficial, I don't approve of you throwing a fit.I suggest you learn self-confidence and learn more about your pain points and susceptibility.

Interestingly, unconfident people share some of the same beliefs as aggressive people.For example, both are judged by victory or defeat.In conflict situations, they all have beliefs such as: "I won't let them win", "I can't win", or "I always lose".Aggressive individuals are unwilling to admit defeat and do not want to be placed in a submissive position.Depressed people often feel like a failure, in a position of submission.This seems to repeat their childhood experience: parents are strong and dominant, and they (children) feel small and submissive.Depressed people also show aggression toward those who obey them.Therefore, it is necessary for you to remind yourself: as a child, you may be in a submissive position, but you can not now.You have to love yourself and treat others equally.Now that you are an adult, your motto should be: "The past is past, I want to seize the present."

Another way to get along with others on an equal footing is to eliminate the "all or nothing" concept in your mind (such as strong/weak, strong/cowardly, win/lose) and tell yourself: I am not against them, each of us Everyone has their own needs and views.Confidence is not about winning or losing like fighting, it just allows you to learn to stick to your own ideas instead of attacking others.Angry-aggressive people want to win with force and threats, while assertive people want a certain outcome.They are tricky; willing to force others to submit, they are willing to reconcile. Another manifestation of self-confidence is to be right about things and not people.Using sports as a metaphor is "it's the ball, not the player who plays it".So we express our wishes or hurts without warning others or thinking about the problem in a negative way.Here's what someone typically looks like for angry, aggressive behavior:

．You are a stupid person (all or nothing thinking, self-identification). ．You are often so thoughtless (overgeneralizing and undermining the positive). ．I will never trust you (all or nothing thinking, detracting from the positive). ．You're a selfish guy (all of the above). The above statements are all attacks on others, and when others feel attacked, they will take defensive behavior.They lose interest in you and instead focus on how to defend themselves and attack each other.Assertive behaviors focus less on threatening/aggressive others and more on themselves and their relationships with others.So if we have a quote, we express how a certain behavior or attitude hurts us:

．You do this and it hurts me because I think you don't care about me. ．If you say that, I don't think you have considered my insight. ．I'd be happier if you did this to me. ．I understand your point of view, and you are entitled to your point of view, but I cannot agree with you. Can you see the steps in it? (1) declare your own anger; (2) Find out why you feel hurt (of course, check to see if you are exaggerating the extent of the hurt); (3) Focus on the pain itself and how to let others understand your views and feelings; (4) Don't expect that others must agree with your point of view;

In the assertive state, we try to respect others.Winning, throwing in the towel, or beating the opponent can have negative consequences.In fact, even if you are victorious (successful), others will still hold a grudge against you, waiting for an opportunity to fight back, and winning will create hostile losers. avoid making others feel guilty A few words of caution: When you claim that you have been hurt, you want to avoid making the other person feel guilty or ashamed.Sometimes, people's goal is not to convert the other person, but just to make the other person uncomfortable.When it comes to problems, they tend to look pitiful, perhaps saying, "I'm going to make them feel guilty about what they did." Of course, that's understandable, but it's not helpful.Winning by making the other person feel guilty is not a sign of confidence.Others may make concessions to you, but obtaining concessions by making others feel guilty will often cause dissatisfaction in others.

We also sometimes force others to feel guilty by self-harming.After a quarrel with her mother, Hillary went home and took medicine to kill herself.In hindsight, she realizes what was going on at the time: "She's going to feel guilty seeing what I do." No one can force us to do anything (except torture), the problem is Hillary's anger.Her mother criticized her, and she didn't say anything at the time, but the anger was aroused inside her, and taking the medicine was a way of fighting back.After a lot of hard work, Hilary was finally able to face her mother confidently and said to her, "Mom, I don't like the way you scold me. I'm doing a good job raising children. If you can value and pay attention My grades, not my failures, will help you and me." Her words made her mother back off.Since then, Hillary has felt a more equal relationship with her mother.

Sometimes depression can be used against others.Hilary recalled that sometimes she felt happy, but she didn't want others to know, she wanted to look unhappy, suffering, and it was all other people's fault and they should feel sorry for her and guilt.Another purpose she does this is to gain the sympathy of others (although she rarely succeeds).Her thinking was that if she appeared to be happy, she would be absolving those responsible for her past pain. Sometimes we use depression to send a message that forces others to care for us or feel sorry for us.We may avoid possible pleasures and wallow in pain.So it's worth asking: how do we want others to react to our depression? It's not easy, and sometimes you'll find yourself using depression to avoid work, but don't beat yourself up about it, because it's more than you one.The choice you face is: do you continue like this, or find other ways to express yourself.

avoid giving others a cold face Another manifestation of unconfident behavior is to look at others, or "passive aggression."We don't express our frustrations, shut ourselves off, and use our silence to influence others.We force others to feel guilty by putting on a “get away from me” outrage, or acting genuinely hurt.Although we deny that we are angry, anger is clearly written on our lids.We must clarify: Is our cold shoulder a form of revenge? Is our intention to make others feel guilty and use it as a means to punish them? You may feel powerless to change the situation because you don't think you're good at confrontation or that expressing anger is bad.However, giving others a cold face is also not effective.Just imagine, if someone treats you like this, how would you react? The problem with being cold to others is that you spoil the atmosphere, which is not conducive to the solution of the problem.Your cold face gives the impression that you don't care what other people think, which only makes things worse.The first problem with a cold face is that it causes you to sulk, and the more you do it, the more you want to punish others. You should realize that if you can learn to be assertive and express what hurt you, you will stop showing embarrassment.This can have a strong negative effect on other people and your relationships with them, so I would advise you to let it go.You have to find out in time the signs that you are giving others a cold face, figure out why you are doing it, and work hard to learn to be confident.It may take you some time; but once you have made up your mind that it is no longer the case, your transformation has already begun, and here are some corrective ideas: ．I look bad because I was hurt and wanted to punish people. ．While it sometimes works, it's generally not beneficial for relationships. ．Although I used to think that other people should do what I want, I should change that. ．I have to learn to recognize that other people's attitudes are something I don't like, and I have to be confident. Annoyed with a lack of self-confidence If we hold the beliefs described above, we will lack self-confidence.What happens often (even in everyday life) in depressed patients is that we are annoyed by our lack of self-confidence.We've all been there: We get into a conflict with another person, but don't say what we want to say, and then we get annoyed that we didn't defend ourselves better afterwards, and we feel the other person has the upper hand.Then we'll think of all kinds of excuses we didn't think of at the time, and start sulking about our failure, and the internal tormentor takes advantage of it. At a party, Roger was accused by others, which made him feel a little ashamed.In fact, he handled it very gracefully at the time, but in his own opinion, he did not defend himself very well.That night and the days that followed, he kept meditating on what he wanted to say but didn't say, and here's how he felt about himself: ．You are sometimes at the mercy of others. ．You will never stand up and speak for yourself. ．Once again you've shown people that you're an idiot. ．You have failed again. ．You are so cowardly. Roger's ideal is to be a respectable person.Of course, he never realized his ideal.Just like the example of Allen in Chapter 13, after the incident, Rogge activated his own fight/evasion system, meditating on what he should have said but didn't say every day.He begins to fantasize about physically hurting his critic.Similar to Alan, Roger's thoughts also lead to his short temper. In fact, Rogge should consider other concepts: ．I started to criticize myself again, and got angry with myself. ．I exaggerated the extent of the damage. ．I discounted what I had said and looked at it in an all or nothing way. ．While I was blamed (unfairly in my opinion), that's not the same thing as being pushed around. ．The criticism is not entirely unjust. ．Admittedly, my rebuttal would have been stronger had I thought of those words at the time, but it shows that there is still room for further improvement. ．My hypersensitivity to criticism because I always see it as an attack on my character shows that I need to learn to put criticism in perspective. Afterwards, other people also thought the accusation against me was unfair, which showed that they did not think I was weak. ·In fact, I don't want to be seen as an aggressive person, so I should at least give myself credit for resolving the conflict gently and rationally. By now, you may have noticed that Roger's most deadly self-attacking concept is: I failed, I am a coward.These notions place him in a position of excessive submissiveness, which is far from his ideal, and thus arouses his vindictiveness.Our brains are prone to thinking this way when we feel others are forcing us to conform.Therefore, we must work hard to prevent this primitive reaction from happening in us.Here are some coping ideas to break out of this automatic thought pattern. ． The "weak" self-label made me feel bad, it was an all or nothing mindset that ignored the positive aspects of my life.This makes me feel worse than I used to. ．Of course, I need to learn to be confident, but I won't learn to be confident if I take every failure as a sign of weakness.In many areas of my life, I have shown confidence and courage.Interpersonal conflict is complex and cannot be judged by simple weakness or strength. ．If I am not careful, I will have to deal with two problems: one is the harshness of others, and the other is the resulting self-blame. ．If my friends were in the same situation, it would be impossible for me to attack them like I attack myself.Because I know it will only make it harder for them. ．If I feel threatened by the outside world, it is better to learn to encourage myself than to feel sorry for myself and make myself more depressed. The concepts given above are designed to prevent you from sliding into the abyss of depression.We do feel a little disappointed if we don’t feel like we did a better job of standing up for ourselves, but we don’t need to attack ourselves for it and feel the urge to retaliate.And, if we confront this intellectually, we tap into our need for self-confidence.We can list the things we wanted to say but didn't say, and say them with peace of mind.As for Roger, he never tried to behave confidently, he just kept getting disappointed and annoyed with himself, and he never gave himself a chance to improve his self-confidence. What we need is to be heard from our point of view, not to be seen by others as aggressive, strong, impulsive people, and this goal is not easy to achieve.But as long as we prepare ourselves for difficulties, treat self-confidence as a skill that takes time to learn, and allow ourselves to make mistakes, we can avoid falling into the trap set by our inner tormentors and stop labeling ourselves "cowardly". " logo. Anger and Confidence in Intimate Relationships In intimate relationships, the anger associated with depression is not caused by something or in the short term, but the long-term result of some kind of problem.You may feel that, over the years, you have never been taken seriously.In some relationships, one person may feel chronically attached to another person and build up a lot of anger as a result.He is constantly imagining how to fight back, which is a very difficult situation to deal with.If you are facing this situation, I suggest you go to family therapy or relationship therapy.However, learning to be assertive and opening up to your partner or family can do you both a lot of good. Conflicts of interest or rights often arise in close relationships, which is normal and challenging.You are better off accepting conflict as a challenge and resolving it for personal growth rather than trying to avoid it.As with everything else in life to learn, the more we cope, the better we become.Whether it's learning a foreign language, learning to drive, or learning to be a doctor, the more difficulties you experience, the better you learn, and it's a gradual process.The same is true when dealing with intimacy. We experience good times and bad times in order to grow.In the face of conflict, you should improve your ability to deal with intimacy, not reduce it. forgive reconciliation In any relationship there are disagreements, arguments and conflict.We can't just cross eyebrows at each other, and we can't always be in a good mood.In fact, some families have a lot of quarrels, but why are they intact? The conflict itself is not terrible.However, some depressed people are afraid of conflict. They see arguments as heated, for reasons we discussed in Chapter 13 (e.g., 'being angry makes me unlovable', There are other reasons for their fear of arguments, one of which is that they believe that "arguments will make the relationship worse." It is difficult for some depressed patients to achieve reconciliation after the conflict, and those families with constant quarrels, after a good reconciliation afterwards, respect each other more and more, and rarely fall into depression.When we make peace with each other after an argument, our anger and agitation decrease.Our closest living relatives, the gorillas, seem to be more conciliatory than we are, with studies showing that after conflict, they often gather together to hug each other and rarely engage in prolonged cold wars. So why is reconciliation so difficult for some people? One reason is that their parents didn’t teach them how to reconcile when they were young, so when they grow up, they feel embarrassed about reconciliation.Neither they nor their partners know when to take the first step towards reconciliation.Another reason is that neither side is holding on to the upper hand: they must win, maintain their positions of authority, and offering a settlement is seen by them as a sign of automatic surrender. For example, Angela once said: When she was a child, whenever she had conflicts with her mother, she was always the one who apologized.If she doesn't apologize, the mother and daughter will engage in a cold war, which makes her unbearable, and her mother will put on a straight face.Sometimes she would not apologize and her mother would refuse to speak to her.And once Angela apologized, she would bring up the old story and tell how naughty she was.Once, once Angela took the initiative to seek reconciliation.Her mother would make her feel ashamed and guilty.So Angela developed the perception that if she apologized, others would take advantage of it and make her feel worse about herself.Moreover, others will not take her reconciliation efforts lightly.As a result, she begins to fear conflict because, if she thinks she is at fault, she cannot achieve reconciliation. Jack thought saying "I'm sorry" meant admitting he was wrong.He desperately wanted to apologize whenever he got angry with his kids, but in his mind, apologizing was a sign of weakness. So, there are many things that affect our peace: If you apologize and try to reconcile, it means ．I did wrong. ．I give in. ．I lost. ．I'm weak, strong people never apologize. ．Others will think that this conflict is all my responsibility. ．I am in a submissive position. Various corrections can be made to the above concept, such as: ．If I think I have hurt someone, I can apologize for my actions, but That doesn't mean the conflict is all my fault.Actually, it's just opinion disagreement, not who is to blame. ．Self-confidence is not about distinguishing winners and losers, but about figuring out the cause of the conflict, and then trying to to solve it. ．Being able to apologize and make an effort to repair the relationship is positive and does not represent weak. ．When I apologize, I don't need to be servile, but to make peace with others, because I care about each other. ．I was concerned with reconciliation, not with getting rid of my guilt. Reconciliation, like assertive behavior, is a skill to be learned.It may be difficult at first, but if you put your mind to it, you will definitely improve? Learning to "compensate" after a conflict will make it seem less scary.You will find that you can and will benefit from it.You have to tell yourself that compensation is nothing more than a gesture of humility. You want to try to avoid punishing others with a "cold face". Intimate relationship reconciliation can include hugs and other physical contact methods, but you can't impose it on others. If they are not ready to reconcile, you'd better stay the same, ie: You're still willing to make amends, be genuine, apologize when needed, and wait for the other person to change their minds. Don't get mad at them if they're still angry, because they probably don't want to keep pace with you. As a man, it is especially careful not to force the other person to agree to have sex with you as a sign of their willingness to reconcile.If you do, your reconciliation efforts will be seen as insincere and a means to a personal end.If your spouse doesn't agree to your request, you think: he/she doesn't really care about me, otherwise he/she would say yes. ” This kind of thought can lead to a new round of anger and resentment. If you think your sexual needs are not being met, the best way is to change the time, talk calmly, and don’t threaten the other person: “If you love me, you You should promise me. " Typical beliefs that hinder forgiveness include: ．I want them to pay for hurting me (make them feel guilty). ．If I forgive them (myself), I lose control over them (or myself) system. ．If I forgive them, I cannot express my displeasure. ．I had to perform better. ．Forgiveness is a sign of weakness. ．It's better for them than it is for me. dissatisfaction and revenge Forgiveness does not mean that what happened in the past no longer matters, but it means giving up the motivation to punish or take revenge on others.Forgiveness cannot be achieved in the short term. The premise of forgiveness is that each other can recognize each other's harm.Some people try to forgive others without acknowledging their own anger and pain, only to have their resentment linger.Therefore, forgiveness is also a painful process. To learn to forgive is to learn to let pain become a thing of the past.And revenge.It is detrimental both to ourselves and to the relationships we have.We often harbor anger without understanding our anger.We often tell ourselves how much we should be angry without asking ourselves what the hell is the point of being angry. Outraged by her parents' indifference, Judy blames them for her unhappiness.The reason she does this is because she thinks: "I can't be better than I am now because my parents made me who I am today. Therefore, I will always be their accessory, and they control my happiness. I Powerless with your own life." Gradually, Judy realized that it was anger (the motive for revenge) that made her relationship with her parents so bad.If she wants to forgive them, she needs to make a series of changes: First, she needs to figure out where her pain is, the source of her anger.Second, she needs to realize that she feels hurt and unhappy by her parents' indifference, that is, by giving up on her own efforts to change her life.She realized that she had always thought of herself as a "victim" and that she had not been able to resolve this emotion, but was firmly controlled by it.It is true that it is best to have a happy childhood, but when we grow up, we can still create our ideal life.When Judy forgave her parents, she stopped being angry and felt free. We also feel like a "victim" if we feel deeply dissatisfied with someone or something.This subordination can seriously affect our sense of control over our lives.We develop distrust of others, which prevents us from forming meaningful relationships.Forgiveness (giving up the motive of revenge) is an important way to solve this problem.When we forgive others, we say to ourselves: let everything be in the past, I am no longer a victim of this event.One of my patients once warned himself to give himself the courage to forgive.She gave herself a chance to take charge of her life.Forgiveness is not weakness, and some people experience the relief of "letting go" of the past. Forgiving ourselves means treating ourselves with compassion.You shouldn't expect yourself to be perfect and never make big mistakes.Many religions emphasize the importance of forgiveness. For example, Buddhism has a practice called "compassion", which is used to help people learn how to empathize with themselves and forgive others.