Chapter 15 Chapter Thirteen Coping with Anger

Intense feelings of anger are commonplace in depressed states.Freud believed that repressed anger can lead to depression, which is the result of internalized anger.We now know that some people with depression have a bad temper, and they are more irritable than before.But anyway, Freud draws our attention to the fact that anger and failure can be directed against themselves, and people are afraid that they will get angry. Anger is often associated with frustration, resistance, threats, neglect, and being judged because someone or something is not always the way we want it to be.From an evolutionary perspective, anger gives us more energy to overcome resistance and achieve goals; it also gives us more strength to fight in conflict situations.Therefore, anger is a natural response.Anger can also be used as a weapon to intimidate others and force them into submission.Retaliation in all its forms demonstrates the utility of anger.Of course, we can solve the problem just as well if we don’t get angry.Likewise, we can coerce rather than threaten others without experiencing anger.But in a depressed state, pushing others often involves anger.

Anger emotions also sometimes include feelings of powerlessness, where we feel powerless about what we are angry about.This may be because we feel that nothing we do will help; it may be that anger is bad and makes us unlovable; or that we have no right to be angry.When we have such an experience, we will feel that we are subject to others in everything, and think that others are far more powerful than ourselves.Although depressive sexual responses can powerfully influence others, depressed people rarely see themselves as powerful. Anger depends on a certain idea.If someone hurts you unintentionally, your anger level is much smaller than if someone hurts you on purpose.The problem is, even if the other person didn't mean to hurt you, you can still experience the feeling of being hurt.For example, when a loved one dies, we obviously know that he didn't mean to die, but we still feel tremendous anger: "How could he leave me?" Anger in grief is actually uncommon.Sometimes this anger is directed at others—for example, we rage at the doctor who treated us.

Similar to frustration, we can be angry both externally (e.g. others) and ourselves (internal tormentor).In other words, when faced with difficulties, we may blame ourselves or others.The same is true for the way anger is expressed, sometimes it is outward (e.g. directed at others) and sometimes it is inward (e.g. directed at oneself).When we feel we are angry, the anger we direct at ourselves intensifies.What sparked the anger? A common trigger for anger is our perception that something we hold dear is being threatened, undermined, or hindered in some way.These include: ．Self-concept (body or self-esteem)

．our belongings ．Our plans and goals ．our way of life Often, we think that other people violated us in some way, or did something wrong to us.But not all anger is related to being violated.The most important source of anger is a threatening situation.These threats are often associated with feelings of being destroyed and hurt, which can take various forms: related to setbacks Anger caused by setbacks often arises when things don't go your way.For example, if the car doesn't start in the morning, the immediate effect is that we cannot get to work on time.Stress and depression can reduce our frustration tolerance and make us prone to anger.In a stressed state, we are often more prone to anger at things that get in our way.In addition, some basic beliefs will also affect our frustration tolerance, for example, "this should not happen to me", "this will seriously interfere or hinder my plan".

related to injury We feel angry when someone threatens us or hurts us in some way.If we believe the harm was intentional or caused by the other person's carelessness, then our anger will be greater than if we believe it was unintentional or inevitable.Our anger often takes the form of revenge.The motive for revenge is to harm another person verbally or physically. Be exploited The most common theme of anger is finding yourself being taken advantage of.We think that others take advantage of us, take advantage of us or take us for granted.As we know, most people want to be appreciated by others, and hope to have equal interpersonal relationships, such as parent-child relationship, friend relationship, lover relationship, and even the relationship between countries.Any feeling of being taken advantage of or being taken advantage of can lead to angry results.

lack of attention It can also trigger our anger if others don't give us enough attention.For example, Emma wants Chris to spend more time with her and help her with household chores, but he says he's too busy, or he promises to help but doesn't deliver.Emma will be angry with Chris.Usually in this kind of anger, we don't want to hurt the other person, just want to make some kind of behavior (such as shouting, screaming) so that he will no longer ignore us.We want to harmonize this relationship, not destroy it. Jealousy and Jealousy This form of anger arises when we think the other person has got more than we have in some way.Linda is angry at the winner when her ambition to win a beauty pageant doesn't work out.Envy is when we want to obtain what others have, such as material wealth, social status, popularity, intelligence, etc.Jealousy is when we think that the person we hold dear prefers to be with someone else.For example, if a married woman becomes interested in another man, her husband will become jealous.This jealous type of anger (if repressed) takes the form of a threat to the woman: a warning that she will taste severe consequences if she cheats herself.If a partner sees the other as their property, jealousy can easily arise.

lack of social identity This type of anger arises when others don't do what you want them to do.For example, a parent gets angry at a disobedient child.A religious person would be offended by an unconformist member of the church.We'd be outraged at the way the government spent taxpayers' money.The underlying perception behind all this anger is that others should agree with and abide by what I consider to be important norms of behavior.On some level, we get angry when we think that someone else's behavior has the potential to affect our interests or our way of life. compassionate anger

We develop this anger when we see others being hurt.For example, when we see people starving, we get angry at a government that allows this to happen, and that anger motivates us to behave in a certain way toward others. These situations have two things in common: first, things don't go our way, and second, we attach great importance to the object of our anger.If they are less important, we will be less prone to anger.For example, if it wasn't important to Emma whether Chris helped with the housework, then she wouldn't be outraged by Chris' behavior.If you think that your lover will fall in love with someone else and you will get out of the relationship more easily, then it is impossible for you to be jealous.In the process of helping ourselves overcome anger, we may find that we pay too much attention to certain aspects, draw too hasty conclusions about certain situations, or overestimate the potential harm.

angry chroma Anger itself shouldn't be all or nothing, black and white, it should be pink.For example, imagine a line that starts off white, gradually turns pink, and ends in solid red.At the white end, there is no emotional component, nothing matters; at the red end, there is rage.The trick is to control yourself to a certain position on the line, neither the white area nor the red area.Anger is like driving a car. You have to learn how to drive. You can neither drive 100 kilometers an hour everywhere nor lock your car in the garage because you are afraid. Sometimes depressed people don't know how to manage their anger. They keep their anger locked up for a long time, and at most they drive to the light pink area, which is minimal expression of anger. If you are confident, you don't need to express your anger. OKThere is no benefit in doing so if you need to express your anger and feel inferior and weak for holding back.If you feel that your anger is quickly spiraling out of control, you can employ some coping strategies and learn how to put the brakes on when you need to.For example, when a conflict gets too intense (in the pure red zone), you should step away from the situation and find a place where you can calm your anger.Learn to control your anger instead of letting it control you.

In a way, anger is defensive, our defensive response to obstruction, criticism, neglect, and expulsion.As we all know, when on the defensive, we often adopt the “better safe than sorry” mindset, while our emotions are easily aroused.This is why many psychologists believe that there is often a fragile heart beneath the rage.Confident people are less likely to lose their temper because they are less threatened.Anger means that we feel that resistance or threats to us are too "hot" and out of control.We should learn to discover why we feel threatened before we can change our emotional sensitivity.

why anger grows Why do we get so angry that we reach the "red end" of the line? We often find that it's the little things that trigger our anger.We often fly into a rage over little things, as if our anger is inflated.Some depressed patients have "anger attacks," in which they lose their temper for no apparent reason.Some researchers believe that, in some cases, anger episodes are related (with corresponding physiological changes) to the depression itself.There is also a phenomenon that some patients who take antidepressants have worse tempers.If you find yourself becoming more irritable after taking an antidepressant, you should go back to your GP and they can recommend another medicine. There are also psychological reasons for losing your temper over small things.Going back to the example of Emma and Chris, imagine Emma saying to herself, "If Chris cares about me, he should help with the housework." It is clear that Emma's anger is not only directed at the housework.Rather, she sees Chris' behavior as a lack of concern for her.Emma, ​​too, felt taken for granted by Chris.Therefore, seemingly small events, in fact, are full of profound meaning. As you reflect on why you are angry, the following questions will help you: ．Which events or feelings I care about may be compromised in this situation7 ．Assuming I can't change the situation, how will it affect me7 ．How would I rate myself if an event that angered me occurred? Would I Make negative comments about yourself? ．How will I evaluate others? How will I infer other people's motivations? Another question that may help you is: "How is this situation hurting me?" In a depressed state, it is more meaningful to focus on the hurt than the anger itself.If we focus only on anger, we will miss the fact that anger is associated with a certain emotional sensitivity. In fact, we use anger to map out our deep-seated fears of being abandoned, neglected, and hurt.In a depressed state, trauma is often behind the anger, and we feel sad and ashamed for the traumatic experience.Symptoms of grief, anger, and depression are all reduced if one is able to work through oneself. If we only focus on our hurt feelings and don't think about our anger, we will gain deep insight into anger.In the case of Emma, ​​she found herself seeing Chris not helping with the housework as a sign of not caring about her. She thought he didn’t value her, that she wasn’t worth caring about, and she thought she might be right.After Emma figured this out - cut, she realized that caring wasn't "all or nothing" and there was a lot of evidence that Chris cared about her. Anger amplifies when we overestimate how much we might be hurt.To give another example, Derek is working on a project and he needs help.However, they didn't finish the project on time, and Derek flew into a rage thinking, "If I don't finish this—' project on time, it's going to be a bad record for me." He was afraid of being seen by his boss as incompetent of people, “They make me lose face in front of my boss, which will affect my chances of promotion. These people who don’t meet deadlines shame me and ruin my future.” As Derek examines his shame and fears, he finds that he often loses his temper at those who "disgrace him."It got him thinking: Why was the approval of those authority figures so important to him? He found that the problem could be traced back to a bad relationship with his father as a child, and the idea formed at that time: "I have to please those authority figures, otherwise they will Get angry and ignore me and belittle me." These ideas had aroused his childhood fears, among other emotions.He is angry because he attaches deep meaning to the situation that arouses his anger.Derek also later found out that he had the notion that "they ruined my future." This led to amplified anger. Later, Derek learned to control his anger through the signal card technique: ．When I'm angry, I need to stop and monitor my thoughts. ．If I don't stop and monitor my thoughts, I'm likely to see many things as It's a replay of my childhood experience. ·When angry, I often overestimate the potential damage. ．What evidence is there that this thing is bad for me? How would I be without getting angry What about 7 ．I don't have to be ashamed of every setback or failure. Signal cards give Derek extra space to avoid flare-ups, and it effectively helps him avoid escalation. Robert entered the hotel and found himself in the wrong room.The young waiter didn't seem to care about it, which made him fly into a rage.He told her that he didn't think the hotel should have hired her at all.Back in the room, he was ashamed and depressed about his excesses.He sat on the bed and began to cry. What happened? It was not until later in the treatment that he clarified his concept at the time: ．Why People Always Get Things Wrong 7 ．The waiter took me for an idiot, seeing me as weak and deceptive. ．If I was more manly, I would handle these things with ease, that way People will respect me and stop neglecting me. ．I must be considered a weak and useless fool. ．But it's not fair, I'm going to tell her I'm someone who has to be taken seriously. In a matter of minutes, the question was transformed into one about respect, manliness, and being perceived as weak and deceptive.The attitude of the waiter triggered a fear in Robert: he was afraid of being seen as an inferior and unrespectable person.His anger was—'a defensive reaction. When he later sat down on the bed and wept, he found himself attacking the waiter, and he thought: ．I just lost control. ．What's wrong with me, I've always been nice to people. ·Maybe I am a selfish person who only thinks about myself. ·My behavior made me look bad and I hated how I just behaved. We can see above that the reason for Robert's escalation of anger was that he overestimated the damage to his self-image and saw the situation as a test of his masculinity.In fact, we often see some depressed people throw tantrums, and then feel unlovable and self-hating (angry because they are angry) because of the tantrum.Imagine a man out in the car with his family, and on the way he gets mad at another driver. His kids are terrified, crying, and he reprimands them.Later, he felt ashamed and guilty about it, thought he had ruined their day, and thought it was terrible to lose his temper like that.By the afternoon, he felt isolated and unlovable, and he began to think that they would be better off without himself, and he contemplated suicide.His anger is a sign that he can't handle it and feels vulnerable inside.Anything that gets in the way of his goals is seen by him as demeaning, which tends to ignite his latent feelings of inferiority. So understanding the meaning we attach to the things that trigger our anger is the first step we need to take.Next 'F, we need to consider how we feel we have been hurt.If you feel that you are out of control, you should try to avoid attacking yourself and instead think about other possible reasons why you are out of control.The following ideas were later developed by Robert to himself: ．Yes, I did go a little too far, much to my own disappointment. ．However, I don't always behave this way. · I have to realize that I am currently in a stressful situation, that my life is very stressful, so I have a low tolerance for setbacks. ·I should learn to back off when I get too emotional.However, frustration tolerance Having low sex doesn't make me a bad person, even though I have some behaviors that are less than human meaning. ．It would help me a lot if I could learn to be more assertive rather than aggressive benefit.If I label myself "terrible", I'll only feel worse bad.My frustration when I feel bad and ashamed of myself The folding tolerance will be further reduced. ．I should forgive myself and, if I need to, I can offer service apology.I loathe myself, which means I lack compassion for myself and have no intention Be aware of the stress you are under.If I could treat myself better, I would treat him People's attitudes will also improve. You may have discovered that the anger described in the various examples above can be thought of as "shame anger."Among them, anger is a defensive response to being belittled and rejected.In fact, shame can be part of your emotions in many situations where you feel angry.When you are angry about shame, and further ashamed about anger, you create a shame-anger cycle.To break out of this cycle, you must first stop attacking yourself. must and should Many times, we get angry because we use "must" and "should".Robert in the example above thought, “Other people should do this.” Unfortunately, we cannot set the rules for how others should behave.However, if we're not careful, we can end up with mental images of what other people should and shouldn't do.Sometimes these "shoulds" are closely related to other ideas.Such as "If X likes me/respects me, he will do, 'Don't do...'" You can change your concept with the following thoughts. ．I'd rather others not do this. ．However, I do not have the right to dictate a code of conduct for others. ．Everyone has the right to do things the way they like. ．If I don't like how they treat me, I should express myself confidently the opinion of. ．I should not personalize every conflict situation and see it as attacks on respect, personal worth, ego, masculinity, etc. who to blame A little boy ran to play in the middle of the road, and when the danger passed, his mother yelled and cursed at him.Mom scolded him because he had just put their relationship in jeopardy and made her nervous; at the same time, she did it so that he could remember (don't forget the lesson).Afterwards, the mother would feel ashamed for treating her son so roughly. The first reaction to anger is to blame others.But depressed people often feel bad about being angry.How can you be kind to yourself when you are so angry? Therefore, we still need rational/compassionate thinking to help, and they will tell us the following concepts: ．Anger can make us feel depressed. ．It shows how fragile we are. ．But being angry doesn't make me bad, and if I think that, it means I Is using overgeneralization, all-or-nothing thinking, and labeling yourself knowledge. ．It's just that at this moment, my behavior seems a little rude. ．I have to remember: Sometimes I also care about others, and do something positive for myself or others. thing. Sometimes, after anger (especially with a child) we feel guilty, we often make amends by allowing them to do things we wouldn't normally allow them to do.This often backfires, as the kids may take advantage of this, triggering another round of our anger.So, if possible, we can apologize for our actions and learn to control our anger.Don't allow guilt to run its course. hate When we feel we have been badly hurt, our anger can turn into hatred.We start wanting to hurt other people, which is scary.Paola resents her mother for her abuse in the past.She believed her mother had a "vicious tongue" and she had fantasized about putting stones in her mother's mouth and watching her choke to death.But she longs to be loved; she sees her own hatred, and all kinds of malevolent thoughts, as proof that she is bad.Her thoughts are as follows: ．Hatred is bad. ．I shouldn't be thinking that way. ．It's not normal and other people won't like it. ．My hatred is so strong that I am malevolent. ．I can't tell people what I think, or they will think I'm vicious. ．I hate myself for hating people like this. It should come as no surprise that the doctor who prescribes her medicine does not pay attention to her inner world.Because this hatred-anger feeling is accompanied by strong fear and shame, it is not easy to express.Later, Plato changed his mind: Everyone has the potential to hate, and hate itself is not abnormal.In fact, the history books often tell of the consequences of hatred; 'This shows that many people are like me now.So, I'm not abnormal.Seeing my hate as “male” was an all-or-nothing mindset and self-labeling that didn’t take into account the hurt I was doing: I never felt that hating my mother was a good thing.My hatred for my mother stems from my traumatic experience, and it is completely understandable to hate someone who has hurt me so badly.However, I still have to learn how to get rid of my hatred, and I also have to learn not to hate myself for hating others.Because hatred hurts me and hinders my efforts. avoid sulking If we understand the meaning of anger, and understand that the biological meaning of anger is to help us fight more bravely, then we will realize the danger of sulking.Anger opens up our body's fight/flight system, causing stress hormones and other chemicals to build up in the body, making it alert and tense.If no fight/flight behavior occurs, the buildup of these chemicals will do us harm. Allen was ordered to retire early.The new manager reintroduced everything he had changed in the department, argued with his boss several times over the matter, to no avail, and Alan sank into a depressed state with sleep disturbances.I advised him to monitor his thoughts when he woke up in the middle of the night, and he found that the underlying idea in his head was, "These bastards, I've been sitting here for years, and they're doing this to me, and I've got to stop them, I can't just go and let them go." As soon as these thoughts came to his mind, he became very angry.He kept pacing the room, thinking about this question over and over again.His wife told him to calm down, and he yelled at her, then felt guilty again.He said to himself: "They even destroyed the relationship between Ding and my wife." I said to him this way: "Once you have these thoughts, the instinctive fight/flight system in your body is activated. , you can't do anything about it -- especially at three o'clock in the night. So you're in this state of war with nowhere to go but pacing around the house and yelling at your wife. Actually, you've realized that you There's nothing you can do about it." Allen nodded reluctantly.I continued, "We have to figure out a way to stop you from activating your fight/flight system, because it only puts you in a depressive state." After Allen understood what was going on inside him, he began to consider other possibilities.To that end, we made signal cards for him to refer to when he wakes up in the middle of the night: ．I'm disappointed in this situation, but I have to face reality.I have done Come on, this is the way of the future. ．I have dedicated many years to the company, the results are good, and I should be proud of it. ．Maybe I should forget about all this and make some plans for the next step in my life. ．All these comeback ideas can only hurt themselves and have no practical significance. We also analyzed the pros and cons of early retirement, and he agrees: early retirement gives him more time, which is good for his health.In the end, Allen gave up this hopeless battle and began to consider other options, such as fighting for the best treatment for retirement.It wasn't easy for him to do so, but a year later, he told me it was the best decision of his life. So the trick is to avoid sulking and to come up with a good coping plan.Do what you can, and turn to whoever can help you.Sulking and brooding over injustice won't help.Giving up a losing battle is just one part of the strategy. Sometimes, you also need to learn to be confident and fight for reason (see Chapter 14). avoid painful anger Carolina was angry with her parents because she didn't think they loved her enough, and she used anger to hide her pain and sadness.Anger makes her feel powerful, while sadness and pain make her feel vulnerable. Anger can prevent people from recognizing that they have been hurt, but that hurt and shame require healing.Many have advised us to fight back with fire, to stand up to those who hurt us.However, while this approach is sometimes helpful, it's not always the case.Inside, we still want to be loved and approved of.I recall that one of my patients spent a long time with another therapist learning how to stand up to her abusive parents.However, she still felt depressed and lacked trust in people.What she really needs is to grieve over her lost childhood, to allow and accept her vulnerability. In anger therapy for a depressed patient (I emphasize anger in "depression," not all anger), you should seek out someone who can help you break through the grief phase.During the grief phase, we are able to recognize our own pain and vulnerability.At this stage, anger is the first or initial reaction, and we need to move beyond this stage, not stay at this stage. Avoiding Anger: Ten Reasons to Suppress Your Anger Sometimes people go out of their way to avoid getting angry.If you avoid anger, you may experience hurt feelings and feel like a victim (an impotent conformist).Doing so also means that you are circumventing self-confidence (see Chapter 14), and you feel powerless in certain situations.You think you're hurt because you're vulnerable, and you may not realize that other people's attitudes may be part of the reason you're hurt.You should be aware of your hurt and not become a powerless victim. Here is a list of ten self-concepts that may be preventing you from confronting your anger and expressing it with confidence.Behind each notion, I offer corrective thoughts: 1.Others are stronger than me, I can never win a conflict Correction: It's not a matter of winning or losing, it's very important to try to come up with your own ideas even if you don't get the desired result.If you tell yourself you have to win or you're worthless, you beat yourself up before you even start.If you try to come up with your own ideas, at least you tried.Learning to be confident means not getting angry at yourself when you don't get the results you want. 2.I grew up knowing that anger is bad Correction: Just because your parents can't handle your anger doesn't mean anger is bad.Anger is one of the human emotions and it has its function.Think — think compassionate anger (see above).If you were never angry about anything, would you still have the motivation to change things? Anger is sometimes important to reveal our wounds and figure out what we care about.Admittedly, aggressive behavior with big fights is bad.However, confident anger can be very beneficial.Even though your parents told you that anger is bad, they didn't teach you how to be assertive. They didn't teach you how to deal with conflict positively. They probably didn't. You should learn it yourself. 3.When I get angry, I become {gen bad, unlovable Correction: Sure, we'd rather never get angry, but that's impossible, calling yourself unlovable is an all-or-nothing mindset, a form of self-identification.You negate the positive aspects of your life.When you think you are unlovable, what you actually think is that you are unlovable to someone.So, who do you feel unlovable in the eyes of you? If it is your partner, you can think of it this way: the relationship between the two is like a boat, if this boat can only sail in a calm bay, then it is not a good boat .We need boats that can withstand the wind and waves.If you feel unlovable because of your anger, it means that your relationship is not weather-proof.In fact, putting aside doubts and being honest and open with your partner can only strengthen your relationship, not destroy it. Of course, when conflict occurs, you cannot experience the feeling of love.But love is like climate, no matter what we do, it remains it.One storm doesn't change the climate.Likewise, anger and conflict don't make you unlovable, you should learn to live with conflict. 4.When I'm angry, I'm no longer loyal Correction: Sometimes, telling others about your anger at a loved one can create a strong sense of "disloyalty."However, speaking out about your anger can help you become more aware of it.If the person you are angry with really hurt you, hiding your anger will only lead to intrigue instead of showing your loyalty.You tell people your secrets just to get your feelings out of the way.It will be difficult to do so if you feel that doing so breaks your "loyalty."But remember, people do all kinds of bad things under the guise of loyalty.If you have compassion for yourself, the situation changes. 5.i shouldn't hurt others Correction: Intentionally hurting another person is immoral by the standards of the average person.But the anger we're talking about here is quite different.Your anger is simply calling attention to the fact that you have been hurt and that you want to change that.You don't want to hurt someone with your anger, you just help them realize that they are hurting you so you can stop them from acting.And, if you respect them and explain your situation to them instead of attacking them, there is no way they will be hurt by it.Even if they do get hurt, they need to figure out why.You don't have to be responsible for everyone's emotions, it's exhausting.All in all, if you are not honest about your emotions, you and the relationships you have will ultimately pay the price. 6.i can't stand the anger Correction: Anger can be scary if you're not used to it.If you're afraid of losing control, you're likely to suppress your anger.However, if you learn to be confident, you will be less likely to do so. 7.I will lose control and hurt others Correction: It is your responsibility not to do that, but you need to consider the following questions: First, are you exaggerating the damage your anger might cause? Do you privately believe that everyone around you is too weak to handle your anger? Angry? If so, find out what makes you feel that way.Find evidence for and against your idea.It's not a good idea to lash out at them, but there's no reason to lose confidence in front of others. 8.I'd lose control and make myself look like a fool Correction: You may feel ashamed to express your emotions, so you hide your feelings.You may also become overly verbal or tongue-tied in times of extreme anger.The point is, you need to focus on your message, not on the anger itself. If you're angry, check to see if you have self-blame ideas or labels (eg, I'm stupid, I'm a fool).If so, you need to realize that this is an all-or-nothing mindset, and you devalue the positive aspects of your life.Remind yourself to remember that anger is just one aspect of yourself that you want to change, it doesn't make you a fool or a fool. 9.I have to be 100% sure I'm right before I'm entitled to be angry Correction: Not many things in life can be 100% right, it's an all or nothing concept.Maybe there is no right or wrong, just a difference of opinion.Allowing for different perspectives can help us grow. 10.If I get angry, I'm an ungrateful, selfish person Correction: "Selfishness" is a self-labeling that you completely ignore when you are giving yourself to others.Even if you feel grateful for someone, it doesn't mean there is nothing between you.在适当的情况下，你要表达自己的感激之情，但不要隐瞒自己的不同意见，这会对你大有益处。要小心，不要使自己的感激变成负担，因为这只会增女口你的怨恨之情。