Chapter 14 Chapter 12 Facing Shame

Shame is the emotional response that most hinders us from seeking help from others.It is so destructive that it can rob us of compassion for ourselves.In fact, people feel ashamed of their depressed state and try to hide it from others.But if you can recognize your shame and work on it, it will do you a lot of good. The word "shame" comes from the Indo-European word skam, which means "to hide".After Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge, they became self-conscious and found themselves naked. At that time, they felt ashamed and covered themselves with fig leaves (this is recorded in the Bible).They feel ashamed partly because they fear punishment for disobeying God's will.Shame, in general, has as much to do with embarrassment, pride, prestige, and status as it does with how we perceive what others think and say about us.Underlying shame is universal, but sometimes, we lose control of our shame completely.

shame The components of shame are very complex and include: feelings of inferiority, sensitive self-awareness, anger, feelings of repression, and feelings of fear.A strong shame experience often includes two feelings, one is a sense of abnormality, and the other is a sense of inferiority and self-deficiency.We often feel: "If other people find out about our shortcomings, they will laugh at us, get angry at us and reject us." In this sense, shame is the extreme expression of loss of identity. Sometimes, we can feel completely overwhelmed by shame.We can truly feel that we have become the object of judgment and judgment by others.Shame not only makes us feel inferior, weak, and terrible, but it also makes us experience a sense of threat.For example, we feel that someone who is important to us will abandon us (if the shame is discovered by others, people will no longer help us, stop being our friend, let alone love and respect us).A typical shame concept is: "If you knew me, you wouldn't like me anymore." Another major component of shame is loneliness.We can feel alone, psychologically distant, isolated from others like an outsider.

object of shame According to psychologist Jill Kaufman, there are at least three types of shame that cause us pain: so-called body shame, competence shame, and interpersonal shame.In addition, there is a sense of shame that often occurs in depressed states, that is, being ashamed of one's emotional experience.Let's discuss them one by one. body shame Some people do not go to the doctor out of shame, and they regard many diseases as shameful, such as: hemorrhoids (hemorrhagic), impotence, enteritis, fecal system diseases, excessive appetite, etc.Shame, more than any other emotion, prevents us from being honest with ourselves and seeking help from others.At present, society generally believes that doctors should treat these patients more sensitively.In addition, some people with physical disabilities feel ashamed of themselves, especially when others laugh at them, reject them, or resent their physical appearance.

People who are sexually abused often have heightened body shame.They feel their bodies are dirty and stained.In extreme cases, they loathe their bodies, and even talking about them can arouse intense shame.Therefore, these people avoid talking about their feelings.But to heal this shame, we must revisit our bodies as part of ourselves. A big reason why people go after fashion is that we pay attention to how we look.People who feel ashamed and insecure about their bodies will do everything possible to avoid feeling this way.Men go out of their way to build muscle, women go on diets to get leaner.Currently, many people also use makeup or surgery to avoid body shame.

Body shame is not just dissatisfaction with one's body, it involves intense self-blame and anxiety.Valere hardly dared to look in the mirror.Every time she looked in the mirror, she would say to herself, "How ugly you are, why are you so ugly?" Behind body shame often lurks the idea that I am unlovable because I am ugly.Valaire doesn't even believe any positive comments from her husband (eg, "He just said that to make me feel better"). competence shame Melanie would have liked to play tennis, but her hand-eye coordination was terrible.At school, the thought of playing tennis terrified her because of the intense shame she experienced every time she hit the ball out of bounds (which she often did).This type of shame depends on how you perceive other people's evaluations of you.

Whenever Peter couldn't get work done, he would throw a tantrum at himself.When life goes wrong, he blames himself for his incompetence and lack of manliness.When his car breaks down, he will think: If he is a man, he should know the common sense of mechanics and fix the car.He didn't want to take the car to the garage himself to avoid showing his incompetence to the repairman, so he often asked his wife to do it for him. In my case, poor English is often a source of shame.Children with dyslexia also often experience feelings of shame, inferiority, and inadequacy. It is worth noting that when our efforts fail, we are often ashamed of it.It gets worse when we judge ourselves by this and attack ourselves.In theory, mild shame can be overcome if we don't attack ourselves.So when you're feeling self-conscious about your failure, check to see if you're attacking yourself, and engage your rational/compassionate thinking to make it work.

interpersonal shame A person with interpersonal shame is hypersensitive to criticism from others and to conflict with others.People with interpersonal shame are prone to anger, irritation, and submission.They like to take control in their relationships and dislike criticism.They are often unable to admit their weaknesses openly because they are afraid that if others realize their weaknesses, they will belittle them and think them weak and incompetent. At present, a phenomenon has attracted more and more attention from the society: some people (especially men) are ashamed to express their emotions.They can feel awkward and uncomfortable in the face of tenderness, touch, or hugs from others.There seemed to be an invisible wall around them.In intimate situations, they froze, or simply succumbed.Men often mask their shame with ideas such as "mature men don't do that" or "tenderness is a sign of unmanliness", which leads to difficulties in playing the roles of close friends, lovers, fathers, etc.For example, children often seek physical affection, and if they are pushed away when they try to approach their father, this will undoubtedly cause them great harm.

emotional experience shame Sometimes, we hide our true feelings because we are afraid that others will know how we feel.We feel ashamed of our anxiety, fear, or depression.Likewise, we can be ashamed of our angry emotions, as if having them makes us imperfect and unlovable.For many years, Eric had been plagued by severe anxiety. He was afraid to go to parties for fear that others would find out about his anxiety. He was so ashamed of it that he didn't even want to mention it to his wife.Eventually he collapsed and fell into a depressed state unable to work.It was only then that it was discovered that he had a long medical history.From an early age, his father taught him that real men never worry, that they are strong and fearless.When Eric was anxious about going to school, his father ignored his feelings, forced him to go to school, and laughed at him.So, as a teenager, he learned not to talk about or show his anxieties.

Susan is married, she meets a man who is very attractive to her, she flirts with him, fantasizes about having sex with him, but at the same time, she is deeply ashamed of these thoughts and thinks she is not a good woman.Later, she gradually realized that her desire was natural.Inquiring further into what attracted her so much, she discovered that she simply longed for the warmth that she could not get from her husband, that is, good sex. Jenny's mother always told her that sex was dirty, a man's pleasure.Because men are more primitive and superficial than women.When Jenny had sex, she sometimes dismissed the idea, but afterwards, she often felt unclean, believing she had betrayed her mother's values.By monitoring her thoughts, she noticed that whenever she felt sexually aroused, she had the idea that these were some dirty thoughts that a good woman should not have, and therefore I was dirty.If my mother knew what I was thinking, she would be disgusted by it and disappointed in me.So Jenny turned her attention away and drove out the sexual desire.However, when Jenny had a clear understanding of her ideas, she said to herself:

Sex is personal to me and doesn't need to be controlled by my mom.If I have sex, I need it, it has nothing to do with being dirty.Sexual desire gives me energy and sparks passion in my life.I don't have to fulfill my mother's wishes in my own life. Andrew is ashamed of his homosexuality.He grew up in a religious family.He thinks homosexuality is sinful, and because of it he thinks he's worthless and terrible.It took a lot of effort to change the way he thought about himself—to stop being ashamed of being gay. Gary was ashamed of himself for being angry.Whenever he was angry, he felt that he was becoming horrible and unlovable.He says he wants to act like a decent human being, he feels bullshit makes him scary: in fact his inner tormentors often tell him: You are - a horrible, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered person .As a result, he was unable to identify what was hurting him, let alone what was actually triggering his anger.

Patricia felt like crying badly at times, but she didn't allow herself to cry because she would be ashamed of it.Levi was ashamed of how much he drank.Drow is too ashamed to speak about her sexual abuse by her husband.Amanda is afraid to go far because she often has to go to the toilet, and if she can't find a toilet, she will pee her pants...  We can see that shame appears in many areas of our lives, and it is a huge stumbling block to our self-acceptance and healthy healing: we are ashamed of the pain and difficulties we face, so we try to hide them. Intense shame is a life-long experience that penetrates our bones and strikes us at any time.And when we feel shame, we tend to wallow in it and think about it over and over again. origins of shame Since shame is so powerful, where does it come from? One answer is that everyone has the potential to feel shame, that is to say, shame is the result of psychological evolution.In fact, shame alerts us to harmful situations, such as being belittled, subdued, rejected, and expelled.These situations are highly threatening to humans and animals.Over millions of years, humans have gradually evolved the ability to be alert in the brain.in order to take appropriate defensive actions.The guiding principle of shame is also "Better safe than sorry" (see Chapter 3).in other words.The brain's decision is: "It's better to cover up or change (some aspect of yourself) than risk being rejected." There are other theories about the origin of shame. 'One view is that evolution has given children the ability to enter society and create a need for others.As a 'member of society.Our hallmark of society is our need to connect with other people.Communicate with others; need to be loved and recognized.The attitudes of our caregivers toward us determine to a large extent whether we are filled with confidence (the result of positive experiences as we grow up) or with feelings of shame, imperfection, and worthlessness.Studies have shown that the interaction between caregivers and infants has a profound impact on the infant's nervous system, emotional system, and self-awareness. Perceptions of not being good enough, forced conformity, and outright belittling or attacking are some of the attitudes some parents (or other caregivers) have toward their early-life children.Shame is their response to these attitudes. not recognized by others Imagine the following scene: 3-year-old Trixie is sitting quietly drawing a picture. She suddenly jumps up and runs to her mother, holding the picture in her hand proudly.Her mother knelt down and said, "Wow, that's great, did you draw it?" Trish nodded proudly. "You're such a smart kid." In the above scene, Trixie not only experiences her mother's pride in her, but also has a view of herself, that is, feeling great.Trish is taken seriously.Now, let's re-imagine this: When Trish runs to Mom with her drawing, Mom says, "Oh God, don't draw any more. Look how busy I am right now, you can't go away and play by yourself for a while." Is it?" Obviously, this time, Tracy's feelings about her mother, the interaction between mother and daughter, and Tracy's view of herself are completely different from the previous ones.Trish couldn't feel good, she might feel disappointed or ashamed.She would bow her head and slip away quietly.We feel shame when we present ourselves to others and are dismissed instead of recognized.This can happen in even the happiest of families, and children can adapt, but if it happens too often, the whole family lacks a sense of warmth and security, and over time it can have destructive results. When my mother read this passage, she recalled her childhood scene: she was often locked in her own room to play, and the adults told her to "keep out of the way".She has never experienced the feeling of being strongly needed in her life. She always feels that she is a superfluous person, getting in the way. Shame is also felt when people do not get approval or praise from others.Remember the example of Annie burning the meal? Her experience was shame—a strong anger at herself and trying to hide it. Donna's parents were highly achievement-motivated, and they wanted her to do the best she could.If she takes the second or third place in the class, they will ask who is the first, and point out that the second and third are also okay, but they are not the best. If she works harder, she will definitely become the best. it is good.Downer gradually developed the idea that she couldn't win the approval of her parents unless she was the first in the test.And how much she craves this approval. You can imagine the result. She develops an underlying notion that unless she does everything perfectly, she will disappoint herself and others.Failure would bring her a deep sense of shame.Donna seldom thinks about what kind of success she has achieved, she only thinks about what she still lacks. pressure to agree Each of us has a strong desire to identify with and be accepted by others.We need to belong.We are fashionable to show that we share the same values ​​as others to show that we are part of the group.We also do our best to gain the attention of others.For example, men try to identify with society's stereotypes of men: tough, competitive, strong, independent, and self-reliant; women feel ashamed of not living up to the standards others set for them.Instead of being hypersexual and aggressive, society expects them to be submissive, considerate, beautiful, sensitive, and lovable.If we don't want to feel ashamed, we must identify with the value standards that society sets for us. Sometimes, in order to avoid shame, we have to get along with others and identify ourselves with others, even though sometimes, deep down, we feel that our actions are immoral.Veteran Keith told me that people go to war not so much because they want to or like it, but because they want to avoid shame.However, no one wants to admit this.Identifying with social values ​​and avoiding shame is a powerful social constraint.Risking shame means risking not being accepted, not feeling like you belong. face to face attack Of course, we all know that both children and adults feel ashamed when others call us stupid, bad, inappropriate, unlikable, verbally, or directly physically.In fact, many people deliberately take advantage of this innate shame aversion in humans to control others.Therefore, shame not only comes from not being recognized for one's performance, but direct verbal or physical attacks can also cause shame. circle of shame In a depressed state, we can fall into a cycle of negative thinking and negative behavior.Likewise, shame can lead to different types of vicious circles, especially among teens.The approval of their peers and their natural shyness can have important influences on them.Many children are easily teased, but unfortunately some children are far more vulnerable than others.Sometimes this leads to what I call a vicious circle. It is very important for teenagers to learn to get used to being teased by others.Because, it will make them do everything possible to ensure that they are not excluded.One thing they can try: find other partners, or learn to let go of teasing.Simon once said to me that he had to steal items from nearby shops to give to "friends" in order to gain some sort of status or prestige. Sadly, he felt most of the time that he had to give others "chips" in order to be accepted. Therefore, low self-esteem does not necessarily lead to social withdrawal, but it may lead to social withdrawal, especially when people label themselves or engage in self-attacks.Once these ideas cause social withdrawal, the individual is more likely to be ostracized because he first revealed his inferiority complex to others.Unfortunately, teens, and certainly adults, don't like people who act withdrawn.So what these people hope to avoid (being seen as inferior or excluded) often actually happens.However, if you stop being critical of yourself and learn to adapt to criticism from others, you will not have withdrawal behaviors. In this way, you will be less likely to be ignored and excluded. A person cannot avoid being criticized, but he can learn not to be criticized. Criticism stumbles.avoid shame Since shame is so powerful, how do people deal with it? One way is to avoid being seen by others as inferior and weak.But this method has only short-term effects, and if it is used for a long time, it will face problems. compensate The so-called compensation is to make every effort to prove that you are outstanding and capable, and avoid being underestimated by others at all costs.Sometimes we compete with others just to prove our worth to ourselves or others.Sometimes it seems like we're trying desperately to make it up or prove something, when really we're just trying to prove that we're not so bad and incompetent so we can be accepted by others. cover up People often try to cover up or avoid events that could cause them to feel ashamed.We cover up body shame (including disease stigma) in various forms.When we feel ashamed, we mask how we really feel, and we see other people as potential sources of shame and don’t allow them to get too close to us, physically or mentally.When we deal with shame in this way, we hide most of our lives away, or even want to hide from ourselves.We repress our memories lest they cause us pain and shame. Sometimes we hide our shame by laughing.When we feel ashamed, we use jokes to distract others.Jokes are useful in preventing us from taking things too seriously, but laughing as a cover for shame often comes off as hollow. Sometimes hiding creates another form of circle of shame.For example, whenever a therapy group member brought up a topic that triggered feelings of shame for Jenny, she used a defense mechanism and became irritable, which caused the rest of the group to become irritable as well.They felt that she could not be honest about her problems, which undoubtedly made Jenny feel more ashamed and thus more concealed.Her cover-up actually created a situation that made it even more embarrassing. violence/aggression "If you humiliate me, I'll beat you." It's a form of vindictive shame.Violence, especially between men, is often a strategy to avoid shame, a form of face-saving. Ray was caught stealing at school, and when his father found out, he beat him up.His father acted in this way because he was ashamed of his son's behavior, which he felt disgraced him and his family.Unaware of his own shame, he simply vented his anger on his son, which no doubt triggered Ray's shame and anger.If Ray's father wasn't ashamed of Ray, but cared about helping him, then maybe he'd sit down and figure out why Ray was stealing. Natalie and Joe had a public spat, and Natalie contradicted Joe.After returning home, Joe threatened Natalie: "Don't embarrass me in public in the future!" Typically, humiliation and counter-shaming responses do not escalate into violence, but can be intense.Everyone works hard to avoid being considered bad.Let us recall the conversation between Lanny and her husband Rob in the previous chapter: Lanny: You spend very little time with me. Rob: That's because you're always tired. Lanny: Yes, you always blame me. Rob: It's true, you're always unhappy. This shame and fighting shame is a way of "passing on the shame", as if one of them has to admit that he/she is wrong.To break the circle of shame, we must adopt proactive solutions.For example, Lannie could say, "I love spending time with you, and we need to organize our time better so that we have more opportunities to be together." Rob should say, "I understand how frustrated you are right now. "They should avoid an 'all or nothing' approach to blame and instead look at the positives in their lives and work to fix them. projection Projection works in two ways, the first is simply projecting your thoughts onto others, so when you think you are not doing well enough and feel like a failure, you believe others think the same; when you decide you are unlovable , you think others think the same; you think crying is a sign of cowardice, and you think other people feel the same way. Defensive projection is when you are afraid that some aspect of yourself is unsatisfactory, or that these aspects are already unsatisfactory, but you hide it from yourself, and instead see these unsatisfactory aspects in others.Therefore, you see other people as cowardly and shameful.Condemnation of homosexuality, for example, may be a way of avoiding realizing that one desires the same.What we find in others we can attack.Sometimes internal tormentors hate their own weakness, so they identify it in others and attack it.If they could recognize their own weakness, they would label themselves the same.These people project the weaknesses they discover in themselves onto others.This is where racial or gender discrimination has its roots. If someone criticizes or attacks you, chances are they have found something in you that they don't like about themselves.For example, Sandra often cried because of loneliness, which was very irritating to her husband Jill.Sandra took it as criticism of her crying.She later discovered that Jill was often criticized by his parents for crying when he was a child. Not only did he see Sandra's crying as a criticism of himself (he thought it meant she was unhappy with him), but he hated causing him to cry. Weeping weak.Sandra's crying woke up.It's something of inner shame. So if someone belittles you for something, or humiliates you (eg, for crying, failing, or needing love).You can ask yourself: How do they themselves cope with these emotions? How do they cope with crying or failure? If you reflect on these things and find that: They do not allow themselves to cry; You should tell yourself: They are criticizing you because they cannot handle these problems themselves.Whatever you do, don't assume that others are right and you are wrong.Shame, humiliation and revenge There are both connections and differences between shame and humiliation.Both involve painful feelings: such as being belittled, hurt or excluded, we feel that others (such as parents, peers, bosses) think we are inadequate or bad at something, etc.When we are ashamed, we think we are bad; when we are humiliated, we don't.To take an extreme example, torture makes people suffer, but it doesn't make people feel ashamed because they don't think they are bad. So the crux of the matter is, do we blame ourselves, or do we blame others.Of course, this is not a well-defined question.Because we may both blame ourselves and others.We will think that others are unkind to us, so we become unrighteous.For example, those who are abused feel humiliated (and feared) and blame the abuser.But at the same time they also feel that the abuse has damaged them and made them weak. The feeling of humiliation makes us feel that we have been criticized or hurt unfairly, and therefore, it will arouse our strong motivation to revenge.The magnitude of the humiliation depends on your assessment of the degree of injustice and the strength of your motive for revenge.For some, fantasies of revenge are hidden, so they must first recognize their anger; for others, the desire for revenge is obvious, and they should find ways to release the humiliation. It's important to figure out whether the humiliation is the result of a real-world injury or your oversensitivity to criticism from others, which generally requires the help of a therapist.I mentioned it earlier: Self-help manuals are no substitute for the help of a therapist, although they can inspire and give you courage.The so-called wisdom of life is to figure out what we can do for ourselves and what help I need. Past experiences may sensitize you to humiliation.However, being vindictive doesn't do you much good.This is not to deny that things are hurting you, but if you don't let go of these thoughts, it will lead to a lack of trust in others, make you withdraw from people, and end up in a terrible state of loneliness.Therefore, if you want to change the status quo, first, you must recognize your pain and hurt, and then seek help.You can grieve past losses and hurts. If it's okay to feel revenge on someone we don't care about, what if you feel the same way about your loved ones? Ted's father beat Ted, yet he thinks he still loves him , and want to be close to it.In therapy, Ted had a hard time realizing that he was humiliated and vengeful by his father's actions.When he realized this, he really began to forgive himself and forgive his father. shame and guilt Knowing the difference between shame and guilt is also essential.As mentioned earlier, shame involves being considered inferior, worthless, or bad in some way, and shame directly endangers a person's sense of self.Guilt focuses on the other person, whom we think we have hurt and want the chance to make amends.Shame makes us hide something, and guilt makes us want to make up for something. Sometimes shame and guilt are intertwined.For example, Betty felt guilty for hitting her own child.However, she was unable to actively mend the relationship with the child because she was ashamed of her actions.She didn't really think about why she beat her child, she just didn't think she was a good mother or even a good person.Shame prevented her from taking her actions seriously and prevented her from doing better in the future. When we perform poorly (and we do from time to time), we should reflect on our actions.Use rational/compassionate thinking to imagine whether this event could have been avoided, and consider the situation at the time.If we attack ourselves and think that we are guilty inside, we will lose the ability to solve these problems, grow, change, adapt, and deal with problems better.shame and responsibility If you feel ashamed that you were responsible for some negative event, you should refer to the “Circle of Responsibility” chart (Chapter 8) to find other possible factors that may have contributed to the event at the time.Even the most unpleasant incident, such as being abused as a child, will reveal that it was not your fault at all.For example, it could be that the abuser is older than you, has less self-control than you, or threatens you, and you have no one to turn to or talk to; or you're just confused and trying to get love. If you hurt someone, be honest and don't blame yourself.Maybe you were unintentional; maybe you were stressed out; maybe you were hurt first; maybe you were facing some kind of difficulty; maybe you were confused, didn't know what to do, or didn't realize the hurtful nature of your actions; Maybe you want revenge because of a past trauma... Sometimes we have to take responsibility for ourselves, learn to forgive ourselves, forgive others, and commit to never hurting anyone again.In an ideal world, we might love each other forever, but unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world.The more honest you are about the harm you have done to others, and honestly looking for why, the more you will get used to the situation and work to change it.treating shame self conscious Self-awareness is one of the important issues that shame brings to me"1 and it can be very damaging to us. It can make us acutely aware of ourselves and how we exist for others. Self-awareness makes us focus on Shame focuses our energy on ourselves. In fact, shame makes us seem to be spectators of ourselves. We notice that our face is blushing, our voice is shaking, and our conversation is boring. Shame makes us monitor our appearance and behavior and respond accordingly. Negative comments. We think, "Oh, I didn't do a good job, people will think I'm stupid, I'm kidding myself, I'm stupid. " Ruth hated driving, not because she was bad at it, but because she was always on the lookout for other drivers.She worried that other drivers would think she was breaking the rules, not driving fast enough or appearing to lack confidence.She often monitors herself driving while watching other vehicles through the mirrors. People with body shame are often sensitively aware of their physical state and feel that their body is completely exposed to others.Excessive self-awareness prevents us from expressing ourselves, making us less creative, and unable to form intimate relationships with others.They can only wait for the initiative of others and obtain the consent of others.For example, if you initiate an initiative to do something, like go out and find girls, you'll watch people's reactions from time to time to make sure they like the suggestion and don't think it's a bad idea.Because you focus so much on these things, you can't enjoy the activity itself.This monitoring of one's appearance and behavior, and the ensuing negative judgment, can be extremely destructive.To overcome this, first figure out how you monitor yourself.Stop as soon as you catch yourself doing this.Watching how often you send derogatory messages, you should learn to identify and challenge your inner tormentor. Challenge your inner tormentor The oppression of shame often works through the internal tormentor.It sends you emotions and ideas like incompetence, uselessness, badness, weakness, and so on.The internal tormentor lives in a depressed state and relies on depression for energy.It's like something out of a sci-fi movie: a devil or a lion feeds on fear, and the hero or heroine realizes that if they didn't fear, these evil things wouldn't survive. Let's look at some tortured shame messages and how we can challenge them: internal tormentor Rational/Compassionate Thinking your failure shows you a worthless person Failure is disappointing, however, I shouldn't use an all-or-nothing mindset.One failure does not represent a total failure of you as a person. Your problem is: you are often self-critical, and always so one-sided, repetitive. If you are so eager to succeed, why do you make me so emotionally depressed that I no longer have the energy to go any further? The best way to help someone in trouble is to encourage them. As far as I can see, you are just humiliating and blaming yourself, which is not helpful.I have to face my shortcomings and my shame, if I take your orders, I will just run away, I will not be able to learn new experiences, I will not be able to grow and mature. internal tormentor Rational/Compassionate Thinking crying is a sign of weakness I failed miserably.But who hasn’t failed in life? I’ve been disappointed, frustrated by that too.But getting back up after failing is a sign of mental health, and I can't beat myself up constantly and one-sidedly for failure. Crying is an expression of pain or pain, not a symbol of weakness, it is the ability of all people to cry. When we lose the ability to cry, we may also lose the ability to feel ourselves and help ourselves.Although some people think that crying is a sign of weakness, this is not true, maybe he is ashamed of crying.如果我们不应当哭泣，那为何我们具有哭的能力? 哭泣常常表明悲伤或孤独的感觉，这是一些非常重要的信息。我越明白自己为何哭，我就会越了解自己的真实情感。 直接参与 若想克服羞耻感，你必须学会接受它、面对它，然后摆平它。 许多案例表明：如果人们对自己的羞耻感做认真的探究，很可能会摆脱它。面对羞耻，治愈羞耻(而非回避它、补偿它)是个人成长的源泉。 治疗羞耻的第一步是要放弃“全或无”的标识，诸如“弱者” 或“无能”。其次，我们需要挖掘那些令我们不快的东西，然后努力克服、改变。如果我们坚持使用消极标识，我们将会退缩以隐藏自己，无法使自己康复。 与他人交往 想克服羞耻感，我们就必须从躲藏之处走出来，学会与他人交往。你或许想求助于专业治疗，但关键你耍弄清楚：你对你的帮助者感受如何?他或她是否能理解并帮助你克服羞耻感?其实，如果你愿意，你身边的亲人也会对你有帮助。有时，我们阻碍自己与他人交往，因为我们不愿揭示出令我们羞耻的东西，但是，你认为不好的东西别人未必这么认为。 羞耻常与被伤害有关系，我们可以告诉他人是什么伤害了我们，并向他们解释自己的感受。当然，问题的关键是，我们不能抱定“他们将无法理解”的观念，轻视他们的帮助。你可以这样想：“或许他们无法理解，但我有什么证据表明这一点?”当然，如果你有证据表明他人正在苛责、排斥你，说明他不是一个可信赖的人，但在你了解之前，不要轻易这样假设。 如果某人愿意帮助你，你应尊重他的努力，不要轻视他的帮助。你要避免使用全或无的方式思维——例如：必须完全理解我，或者是他的帮助毫无用处。或许一点的理解就会大有帮助，因为任何过程都是循序渐进的。如果某人并不像你希望的那样理解你，千万不要攻击他，这只会导致他产生防御反应。 走出羞耻是一个缓慢自我开放的过程。我们要逐渐学会与他人接触，对自己、对他人增加同情心。一旦你下决心从藏身处走出来，各种可能都会向你敞开。