Chapter 13 Chapter Eleven Approval, Obedience, and Torment Approval

This chapter begins with questions about approval because the desire to be approved, to be recognized, to be needed, to be appreciated, to be respected, and to be valued is often at the heart of many interpersonal conflicts in people with depression.When we discuss issues such as shame, anger, disappointment, and perfectionism, we find that the desire for approval is the most striking feature, or at least the common background, of these issues. Many people are susceptible to depression because they have an excessive pursuit of approval, and sometimes these people can almost be called "approval".They will think that approval is good and necessary, and disapproval is a catastrophe.Some people need to impress and be seen as special; others find it frustrating to be criticized; still others believe that not being appreciated regularly means they are unlovable and annoying .The lack of appreciation affects our mood because we take other people's words for truth.If others think we are unlovable, useless, or ridiculous, we feel it is true (even though their judgments are extreme and ignore the positive qualities in us).Or we can overgeneralize and think that if someone thinks we're bad, others will too.

Appreciation, shame and acceptance Some people's excessive need for appreciation is because they try to make up for their own sense of inadequacy and shame through the appreciation of others.For example, some people have the idea, "If other people appreciate me, then I'm not so bad." Before discussing how to reduce sensitivity to appreciation, it's important to recognize that it's part of being human to seek it.Imagine what the world would be like if no one cared what other people thought of them, no one cared about being appreciated by others. Much competitive behavior has to do with the pursuit of appreciation—whether it’s passing an exam, winning a sports or beauty contest, or getting a friend to compliment one’s cooking skills—we often do these things for the admiration of others. own value.We want others to see us as capable, to elevate our social status.Likewise, we also need to belong to certain groups and have certain relationships with others.to avoid being seen as weak or excluded.In fact, people can do all sorts of crazy things to gain the approval of others (friends, parents, even God).Life would be fine if the fashion industry didn't care what its peers thought and didn't follow the latest trends.By gaining appreciation, we increase our status and feel accepted in group relationships.

Veteran Keith once told me that booze was often regarded by him as a way to gain the appreciation of the people in the pool.Being seen as cowardly would lead to shame and non-acceptance, for which he would rather get drunk than risk being seen as "unmanly." Debe comes from a well-to-do family, and in the eyes of his family, associating with certain people or holding leftist views is something to be ashamed of.During the treatment, after hard work, she finally found her own values ​​and formed a lifestyle that satisfied herself instead of simply pleasing her parents or social groups.She was often caught in the conflict between "I should do" and "I want to do".Her parents' admiration was important to her, and she faced the daunting task of developing her own values ​​beyond her fear of reprimand from her family.Many people are distressed at the thought of the possible disapproval of their loved ones for marrying someone of a different class.Thus, following family traditions and accepting group values ​​plays an important role in our pursuit of appreciation.Almost all of us have an instinctive fear of disapproval, and we especially fear disapproval from those of status and trust.If we don't value someone, it doesn't matter whether he approves or disapproves, unless he is our superior—for example, the boss.

Don't beat yourself up for finding out that you're an appreciation seeker—frankly, everyone is.If you chase after appreciation too much, and feel sad and blame yourself for losing it, you will have problems.You need to balance your need for appreciation without an all-or-nothing perspective (e.g., I have to be appreciated, or I don't care at all). Appreciation and self-evaluation Unfortunately, we can fall into a trap if we go too far for the approval of others.In this case, our trouble is not the fear of being rejected by others, or the fear of physical discomfort, but our overall sense of ourselves has changed.We take other people's approval or disapproval as an evaluation of our whole self.If something is not approved by others, or if we are criticized by others, we will blame ourselves very much.People who grow up in a good environment may be able to deal with the opposition of others more easily, because in such an environment, it is easy for you to form a good sense of self.However, even if your background is not very good, you should learn to face the dissatisfaction of others and reduce your excessive pursuit of appreciation.You should realize that putting too much faith in the judgment of others will do you no good.That's not to say that any specific comment is incorrect, but that other people's labels (such as stupid, stupid) or similar comments on you are often saying more about themselves than you.Even those closest to us sometimes disapprove of us, or ignore things that require their special attention.If we don't condemn ourselves or our loved ones for it, then we're just going to have a little disappointment, not a serious problem.

For example, Liz has a new haircut, and she rushes home to show Carl, who likes her old haircut and is noncommittal about the new one.Liz felt discouraged and thought, "I thought he would like it, but I didn't expect him to. Maybe I made a mistake. In fact, maybe other people don't like this hairstyle, but why do I always do it?" Wrong thing?" Liz was disgruntled and started to get angry with Carl.Here are Liz's ideas: ． "All or nothing" thinking: "He doesn't like it" instead of "He's not sure" or "He kind of likes it" or "He might like it if he gets used to it."

．Overgeneralizing: "Others won't like it" instead of "I like it, and the clerk said it looked good, and Carl's uncertainty doesn't mean that other people won't like it". ．Self-blame and self-deprecation: "Why do I always do wrong things?" instead of "hairstyles are hairstyles, and have nothing to do with whether I do things right or wrong". Liz had imagined that the new hairstyle would impress Carl, so Carl's indifference disappointed her.If the same thing happens to you, please refer to Chapters 12 and 15 for ways to deal with shame and frustration.

Some people feel empty inside if they don't get approval from others on a regular basis.When others disagree with you, their needs, wishes, and optimistic ideas seem to disappear all at once.If the same thing happens to you, imagine if you can find your true self by digging into your preferences? You should look inward instead of outward.Please review the discussion of the empty self in Chapter 9 of this book, and ask yourself: What would I care about if I didn’t depend on the approval of others? Even if others disagree, I can’t think in an “all” or “nothing” way ( Like they were right and my thinking was wrong).

Subjective guess When we're depressed, we're more sensitive to other people's disapproval (maybe they're cheating on me), and we're prone to second-guessing.In this case, we take any hint of disapproval as evidence of disgust and humiliation.If someone walks by on the street and doesn't seem to want to talk to you, if you're depressed, you might guess "My friend doesn't really like me, he's trying to avoid me" instead of "He's watching Get up in a hurry."If you are unhappy with how someone treats you (because they judge you or ignore you), then you should reflect on the facts and ask yourself:

．Are the harsh words or looks really a sign of contempt? ．How would I see this if I wasn't depressed right now? ．Am I speculating? Am I taking other people's view of me negatively when it is not? ．Do I see any small argument as a sign of a broken relationship? ．Am I thinking in an "all" or "none" or overly generalized way? For example, am I thinking "If a person cares about me, he must never judge or ignore me"? ．I'm in a week or a month: what to think about it - will I still remember it? ．Am I assuming that others will never be sad, upset, or lose their temper? The submissive self-submissive approval trap

When you have a low sense of self-worth and think that gaining the approval of others will make you feel better, you fall into the conformity trap.The goal you set for yourself in life is to gain the approval of others.On the surface, this may seem like a good idea, but in the process of seeking approval, you will encounter all kinds of unpleasantness.For example, you try to be what others want you to be, you avoid facing your own needs, you hide your anger, and you overindulge in hopes of gaining approval from others.Unfortunately, others are likely to be used to your flattery, and if you show any dissatisfaction, they will force you to start flattering them again.You end up feeling like a doormat, worthless.However, you think you know how to deal with this feeling of unworthiness (i.e. earning the approval of others).So a vicious circle begins:

Feeling worthless being treated like a doormat Appreciation from others makes us feel better So: Try to please others Be what others like Don't get angry Avoid fulfilling your own demands To get out of a vicious circle, you should first realize that you are in a vicious circle, and that in some way, you let yourself into it.Second, challenge your sense of worthlessness.Remember: Feelings of unworthiness are your self-identification, caused by your inner tormentor taking power.Perhaps you could turn to the previous chapters and recall how you challenged your inner tormentor, reminding yourself that 'feelings of worthlessness are self-identifications that serve no purpose', try to avoid ignoring the positive aspects of your life, and focus on what you can Do things rather than things you can't do. Always imagine what your friends will say to you, and remind yourself of the possible disadvantages of constantly seeking approval and the possible benefits of learning to accept other people's disapproval. Compliments do feel good though.But it cannot be the cornerstone of building self-esteem.Try to praise yourself more and avoid feeling inauthentic when you praise yourself.Treat yourself like a friend, remind yourself that you don't have to be anyone's slave, and be confident about your own needs (see Chapter 14). The big problem with overseeing the approval of others is that it creates a sense of subordination, as if we can't do anything on our own terms without the approval of others.We feel compelled to be sure that what we do is approved by others.This sense of resignation increases our susceptibility to depression. puppet As we all know, a puppet is a toy controlled by a manipulator through a string.Twist the string up and down and the puppet will dance, loosen the string and the puppet head will collapse.Sometimes, when we rely too much on the approval of others, we make ourselves puppets: if others approve, we feel good; if others disapprove, we collapse. Of course, approval plays an important role in finding a job or navigating certain relationships.However, if we judge ourselves negatively because we don't get approval, we have serious problems.If you suspect that you have a tendency to become a puppet, think back to a recent situation where you felt frustrated when others disapproved or blamed you.Write down your thoughts and see if disapproval triggers your negative thoughts.If so, imagine what your rational/compassionate mind would say to you. Example: You think you're giving someone who's having trouble - 'a good piece of advice, but they don't respond and think your idea is terrible.Then you may have the following negative thoughts: ．Oh! No! They must think I'm not smart enough. ．Terrible, I ruined my reputation. ．I wish I had thought about it a bit more. ．What a fool I am to face myself with these reproaches. ．Why do I always have to plug in? You should challenge your negative beliefs as follows: ．It's disappointing that my views weren't adopted, but my reputation won't be tarnished by such trivialities.Maybe I'll be depressed because my pride is hurt after all, but I can handle it. ．Others get criticized too, not just me. ．There is no gain without risk. ．If I can learn to deal with this kind of criticism and stop berating myself for being stupid, then I will cope better and with more confidence in the future. ．My self-esteem doesn't need to depend on what other people think for support unless I tell myself I do. ．Even if I fail, it doesn't make me a fool.In any case, failure is not all or nothing.The idea I have is still good - it just needs further processing. ．I let the mask of disappointment hide the positives from my perspective.please others Sometimes, you can think about whether you often deliberately please others to win their approval.If so, you will end up as a submissive who has lost her sense of self (see below).If you rely too much on the approval of others, you will do things that you don't really want to do, and this will build up your anger.Learning to avoid the negative emotions that come with lack of approval can make us more independent.By doing so, it doesn't mean we're selfish or uncaring. Approval cheers us up, but the lack of it doesn't break us either. Studies have shown that people become more pleasing to others in mildly depressed states, but as depression worsens, people give up trying to please others.No one knows why, but it could be the result of a buildup of anger, or they no longer believe that pleasing them will get them what they want, or they may be exhausted by it. loss of self-identity Similar to the need for approval is the need to be appreciated, not to be bullied, or to be blessed by others.These needs include striving to make others feel that we are individuals of value, rather than—as a vassal—our need to be respected as an individual with our own rights, status, and sphere of self-control.Being respected and appreciated by others contributes to this sense of self-identity.Problems arise when, under certain circumstances, we feel compelled to please others and become overly submissive.We feel that we are no longer ourselves, but servants of others.The most extreme example is various forms of abuse (especially sexual abuse).Masochists feel that they do not have a real identity of their own, that the existing identities are given to them by the abuser. -Once we realize that we have become a vassal of others, that others are treating us in a way we don't like, something changes in us.Beth and Martin had a harmonious sex life, and Martin's desire was always strong.At first, Beth thought that Martin's behavior showed that he was indeed obsessed with her, so she kept giving him the "green light", which made her feel good.However, she gradually realized that Martin was not as passionate about sex in other ways, so she thought: "I am just a body to him." Beth's thoughts had a profound impact on her life.She lost her libido, began to dislike Martin, always wanted to avoid him, and finally she thought: Martin took away her original self.Men sometimes feel similar emotions, but usually they are about making money—for example, men are conditioned to think, "My wife hasn't left me because I satisfy her desire for money." What is the source of the idea that people are exploitative, of being the servant of others, and together they lead to hostility and a sense of loss of self in the individual. However, with the aggravation of depressive symptoms, Beth's thoughts became more and more extreme.Later, she gradually changed her concept: ．Martin still has a crush on me, and I shouldn't overlook the positive aspects of our relationship. ．I should talk to Martin and tell him I'm not happy with his performance in other ways. ．I was able to increase my sense of control over my marriage.I felt taken advantage of, perhaps because I lacked confidence in my own needs. ．Martin is not a man without enthusiasm, but he is careless sometimes, and I should help him learn to be careful. ．Perhaps it was my hostility and pent-up anger that caused the trouble. Beth's notion of being used and not appreciated triggered her negative emotions.But at the time, she did not reflect on these concepts, question their extremes, and increase her sense of control over her marriage.And when she did, she discovered that there were indeed certain problems in her marriage that she could not solve alone.She thought she had put up with Martin's carelessness too long, and that, besides sex, she and Martin should engage in activities of mutual interest. Do we live for ourselves or for others? The conflict caused by this question will also make us lose our sense of self-identity.We often view this conflict in an all-or-nothing sense, rather than as a difficulty that needs to be resolved by weighing the needs of both parties.After giving up her job for her kids and husband, Neil found herself increasingly dissatisfied with life.Over the years, the two have reached such a tacit understanding: for Eric's career, both pills must make possible sacrifices.At first, this sounds sensible, but when Eric has a great promotion opportunity and has to move, Neil sinks into a depression. Neil felt that she had lost her sense of identity, that she could not find her true self, and she wanted to escape the current situation.She doesn't want to move to another city, but she thinks it's selfish and holds Eric back.Although she had been voluntarily subservient to her husband's career for many years, as time went on she felt more and more like a planet orbiting him, always following his plans.Gradually, she was no longer willing to submit.However, she felt it was a mistake to emphasize her needs.She dared not stand up for her ideas or actions for fear of Eric's disapproval.Neil's parents also believed that Neil should fully support Eric's career, which made her worry about what her parents would think of her.As her satisfaction with her family life declined, she increasingly found it difficult to change the status quo.She thinks her thoughts are selfish, she should be a responsible housewife, and if she hinders her husband's career, she will be unlovable.But moving away from old friends made it difficult for her to accept.As for Eric, he was taken aback by Neil's depression, and he had simply assumed she would follow him and support him.He never expected Neil to react like this. The first thing Neil had to do to help himself was to identify the complex emotions and intense conflicts he was experiencing.I suggested she watch the movie Shirley Valentine.The play tells the story of a housewife who leaves her husband and girlfriend for a holiday in Greece and decides to stay there.I instructed her to see depression as a sign of defiance, not as a weakness or failure (as she had begun to do).The purpose of the depression was to force her to stop and figure out who she was and where she was going.It required her to position herself, which, though painful, was the driving force for transformation.Afterwards, Neil stopped blaming herself and told herself that she wasn't selfish in not wanting to move.Her depression was thus effectively alleviated. Sometimes people feel compelled to conform because they've lost faith in certain areas of their lives, which was the case with Neil.So the next thing to do is find where you lost your confidence.Neil wants to get back to work, but she feels out of control.In fact, hidden behind this lack of confidence are her self-attacks-for example: "I am not strong enough", "I can't handle the work", "I will do wrong things to embarrass myself", "Anyone is better than me." I am more capable."Neal even became jealous of her husband's independence and success, however, she couldn't bear the idea that she was selfish. Self-confidence is closely related to experience.Take driving as an example. The longer you drive, the more confident you become.Confidence in this area is simply not possible if you rarely drive.The same goes for socializing.Women who have given up their jobs to care for their children fear the thought of going back to work, also due to inexperience.If you have the same problem, please think about whether your lack of confidence is due to lack of experience.Don't blame yourself, build confidence gradually, and don't assume that you are not capable of coping without proof.If you give up too soon, it only shows that you are attacking yourself. Neal was also troubled by some of the problems that often arise when he is depressed, including the psychological conflict between living for himself and living for others.She gets the message from her surroundings that she will be seen as selfish if she goes her own way.If you have similar conflicts, try to avoid all-or-nothing thinking—for example, "I either do exactly what the other person wants, or I do everything exactly my way."Finding a balance between the two is indeed difficult, but it is beneficial to consider your own needs and the needs of others.After Neil offered her opinion on the move, her confidence grew because she felt her opinion was valued. Some conflicts are common among people accustomed to conformity.Sometimes the need to please others for approval and to be appreciated and valued drives people further down the path of submissiveness and self-sacrifice.Gradually, they see themselves as nothing but meeting the needs of others.This feeling of being taken advantage of and not appreciated is often powerful in depressed people. Mental conflict about how to live You can take some time and learn to take more control of your life.If you get used to living without approval, you will be able to find a better place in your life and not sink into depression because the disapproval of others will no longer scare you. Sometimes people feel unable to express their true feelings because they are concerned about what others think and fear being seen as selfish, unlovable, or incompetent.Kath, who was married to a wealthy businessman, had been taking antidepressants before coming to my consultation, and her previous doctor had told her her depression was biological.She didn't understand why she was depressed - she had more money than others, and her husband was not violent and never beat her.She thinks she should be happy, but instead she feels weak and depressed. After several sessions, Kane began to complain that she felt like a doll, had to attend important occasions with her husband, and "put on a show."Her husband traveled a lot and came home exhausted, and she felt he was using her to relax.She speaks her mind (she wants to go to college and wear jeans), but she thinks those thoughts are stupid for a woman in her position.She felt that her husband provided her with all kinds of material satisfaction, but she wanted to live another life, which was a manifestation of forgetfulness and selfishness.She said, "Many people would be happy if they were me." She has a lot of self-blame and self-doubt about her idea of ​​wanting to -L University.For example: "I'm too old", "I'm not fit to study", "People will think I'm weird", "I'm not smart enough", "I will fail the exam".Of course, she didn't find any evidence to support these ideas, but she saw depression as evidence that she couldn't cope. Later, Keith learned to help himself out of depression: ．Learn to take your desires seriously. ． Self-labels such as "ungrateful" and "guilty" should be replaced with "I need to grow." ．Avoid ignoring the positive aspects of your life at the moment (e.g., "Nobody's really interested in me", "I'm just a doll for my husband"). ．See depression as a sign that life needs to change, not a sign of weakness. ．Understand: Her thoughts will only make her more depressed, not help her out of depression. ．Communicate openly with your husband. ．Find out if she can handle college life. ．Avoid self-attacks (especially in social situations). Some people who are accustomed to conformity feel inferior and think that they are powerless to change the status quo.Yet once they change the way they think about themselves, the door to transformation opens up for them. obey a certain habit In a way, Kane felt resigned to the way of life of others.Sometimes, people's problems also appear in earning money or certain living habits.A family can become so focused on money that a couple's entire life revolves around making money, to the point where the relationship grows cold and both partners feel compelled to live in this way.But the facts show that money cannot bring happiness beyond a certain limit.If the relationship between husband and wife is subservient to the pursuit of money, the relationship and happiness of both partners will be reduced. At present, the society pays more and more attention to this problem.In a situation where the fear of job loss is driving people to work longer and longer hours, it's important to help yourself untangle yourself.You can talk about your predicament with friends and try to find ways to free yourself from it.Is there some positive activity that can help you? Is your relationship becoming "at home" and "outside"? Most importantly, is the dilemma you are facing caused by a loss of self-confidence in one party? Is your normal needs, seen as selfish or impossible? Unfortunately, people sometimes feel helpless when they feel that their environment leaves little room for personal development.They may be living in poverty, feeling they have to take care of their children and scrape by.The lack of positive and rewarding activities in the lives of these people is what needs to change in the first place.However, the most important thing remains: think of depression not as a personal weakness, but as a state of the body that can be triggered. Approval and Relationships We have all kinds of relationships, such as husband and wife, friends and colleagues.When we are overly compliant, we think we need the approval of those who are more capable than we are.However, perhaps we have not thought about it, we should also take the initiative to show appreciation and approval to others.For example, bosses know how to praise their subordinates, but subordinates rarely know how to praise their bosses (they complain more).What is puzzling is why most people think that praise can only come from the top down and not from the bottom up? Maybe we think our superiors don't need our approval—they're powerful and powerful, and they don't care about our approval.We are so busy trying to get their approval and please them that we forget to appreciate what they are doing.For example, Lannie, who has an inordinate need for approval, when I asked her how she valued her husband, she said, "Help him with his work and housework." I said, "Approval makes you happy, but you are How can I express my appreciation for him?" She was at a loss for words for a moment, and then said: "Robo doesn't need my praise, he is healthy physically and mentally, and lives a relaxed and happy life, and I am the one who is depressed." When I called them together, they blamed each other: Lanny: You rarely have time for me. Rob: That's because you're always tired. Lanny: Yes, you always blame me. Rob: It's true, you're always unhappy. They bickered like this again and again, never complimenting each other.Instead, they often focus on the negative things in life and have little common language.They rarely say to each other, "You looked so beautiful today," or "You did me a great favor that way," or "I think you handled it well," or "You're so nice."Laney strives for praise, but never praises others herself.Lannie later painfully discovered that she put herself in the role of submitting to the approval of others, thinking that others should approve of herself (she thought she had to work hard for it), but she didn't need to approve of others, and she saw others as People who are better than themselves and don't care about their own opinions. Depression often makes us self-centered.Sometimes a depressed person is hostile to their spouse and does not want to express their appreciation or approval for him or her.However, it is very helpful to realize that we should express our approval to those around us.We can't just put our heads down and do things for them, but also show interest in them, so you will find that anyone needs to be appreciated by others, not taken for granted. The same goes for parent-child relationships, where even as adults, we still seek parental approval.But never expressed interest in parents.Laney wanted her mother's approval, but rarely praised her own mother. Relationships are like flowers that need constant watering to bloom.Similarly, cultivating interpersonal relationships also requires mutual appreciation from both parties.Sometimes, raising a family takes the relationship for granted, and the only time two people stay together is when they're exhausted.Therefore, husband and wife should make some plans for common activities, engage in some positive and beneficial activities, and appreciate each other in the activities.Build the relationship on positive emotions and don't vilify each other with negative words. nonverbal communication I have said that human beings have a basic need for approval, which originates from the beginning of life.For example, babies are very sensitive to their parents' expressions. If the baby smiles happily at the parents and the parents smile back, then positive emotions between parent and child will be cultivated; on the contrary, if the parents are expressionless or full of anger, the baby will be depressed .If the mother and baby have the same emotions and respond to each other, we say they are "in the same pace" or have a "mirror reflection".As children, the messages our parents convey to us can help us develop a sense of being loved and needed, which often becomes the foundation of our relationships later in life.Agreeing without exception is comforting (unless we compromise it in some way).It makes us feel accepted, wanted, and recognized for our efforts (see Chapter 3). Some depressed people's non-verbal communication is very unfriendly. Most of the time they look depressed and bored, and they rarely think about whether their expressions will affect others.They feel worse when others are away from them.Unless the depression is severe, efforts to convey friendly nonverbal messages (eg, smiles, thoughtfulness) are generally beneficial.You might object: "You're trying to modify me to hide how I really feel, to live in a mask!" The answer is both "yes" and "no."Say yes because, on some level, you should realize that a depressed look is not conducive to developing relationships, it acts as a repellent.And, your smile and friendliness can also spark positive emotions in yourself.Say "no" because if you need to clarify something, clarify it, don't hide your feelings.But being unhappy, without making any friendly efforts, doesn't help you clarify your feelings, it just leads to hostility between you and others.tortured It is one thing to be criticized and learn to cope, but quite another to be the object of torture.Much evidence shows that being the object of constant criticism or belittlement is closely related to unhealthy psychology.These criticisms, demeaning can be verbal, non-verbal, and can be physically aggressive.In fact, for adults, approval is not only expressed through people's words, but also through smiles, facial expressions, and nodding.Sometimes we find ourselves living in an environment where there is little approval and no shortage of blame. As mentioned earlier, the need for approval originates very early in life.Parents and children convey mutual approval through facial expressions.Even in adulthood, this feeling of being approved or criticized can still be conveyed through nonverbal communication.A smile or a frown can mean a lot.A depressed person might say, "My husband/wife doesn't have to talk, I can tell by his/her expression that he/she doesn't appreciate me." Verbal communication is powerful.If you're trying to be an actor, your talent isn't just in whether you can remember your lines, but in how you deliver them and your facial expressions and body language. Many depressed people are hypersensitive to nonverbal communication, they are constantly seeking encouragement, they are hypersensitive to lack of encouragement, and they are easily frustrated by nonverbal messages from others.Depression makes us pay too much attention to the evaluation of others, and non-verbal information is regarded as an important clue to recognize the evaluation of others.We often exaggerate the danger messages in human interactions and feel demeaned and tormented by them. Granted, depressed people often exaggerate how badly they feel, but sometimes, their feelings are real.现在的问题是：我们如何改变这种情况?我们是否有必要摆脱能给我们带来折磨的人际关系? 折磨与亲密关系 事实上，当我们因为人的“眼神”而感到不快时，他人已经控制了我们。因此，意识到自己对非言语信息的敏感性，并努力改变它是非常重要的。如果你与一位抑郁患者生活在一起，你就会发现你的非言语信息是非常重要的。请记住，我们传达信息不仅通过我们说什么，而且通过我们怎么说，让我们通过极端事例对此进行分析。 马可很少对吉尔进行积极的评价，从表面看起来，他似乎对吉尔很失望。在治疗中，他很少看她，而是环顾四周，好像对正在进行的事毫无兴趣。即便是对吉尔进行积极评价，他的口气也充满敌意，使你很容易理解为什么吉尔不相信他。他们的问题不仅仅是吉尔的抑郁，马可不懂得如何表达温情也是一个问题。他与她的交流充满冷淡和敌视，他把抑郁看作是一种软弱，他因吉尔丧失性兴趣而感到愤怒。吉尔开始害怕马可的消极情绪以及他看她的眼神。 吉尔与马可陷入这种充满敌意的生活方式中。她认为他是个令人无法容忍的，有支配欲的男人。她生活的全部就是激发他对自己的赞同，以获取温情。当她失败后，她开始责备自己，变得更加抑郁，并产生强烈的欲望想逃离这种境地——这又使她感到内疚和恐惧。她抱定这样的观念：不惜一切代价维持二人的关系，以自己不是逃兵而感到骄傲。可遗憾的是，只有当她顺服于马可的—切欲望后，她才能获得他的赞许。而且，她越来越相信：男人都是一样的。 他们这种情况需要婚姻治疗。但如果你为这种状况感到羞耻、自责，你将无法寻求帮助。如果你感到害怕，不知道什么时候又会受到贬损(来自家人或工作中)，这表明你正处于折磨性的人际关系中，你害怕的程度可以作为线索。我曾遇到过很多夫妇，他们吵得很凶，彼此敌对，但他们并不恐惧对方，因为恐惧是问题的关键。 首先，你必须诚实面对自己，思考一下，反省你的婚姻所面临的难处是否会有益处。有时，常常是折磨一方会为此感到羞耻。他们不愿意谈论彼此的感情以及爱的表达方式。以马可为例，他出生于一个冷淡、缺乏爱的家庭，对亲密关系感到不舒服，他对吉尔的行为方式正是他父亲对待他和他母亲的方式。当吉尔意识到这一点后，她不再自责，尽管她的抑郁并没有因此好转，但她终于迈出了一步。她认识到试图从一个不可能给予赞许的人那里寻求赞许是徒劳的。最后，他们的关系结束了。 我们从上例中得到的教训是：不要为他人的冷漠苛责自己，否则的话，你会为此浪费太多的精力。研究表明，与折磨人的丈夫生活在一起的妇女常因丈夫的折磨而自责。而一旦她离开丈夫，就会发现，这根本不是她自己的错。你可以通过“责任圈”(图5)找出造成目前状况的可能原因，查验一下，他人的冷淡态度是否是原因之一。 你可以做的第一个步骤是，与你的配偶开诚布公地谈谈。如果你们目前的关系非常糟糕，以至于你们无法彼此尊重，那么，找个特殊的时间，做一次深入的交谈，共同回顾一下你们二人的关系，看是否能找到症结所在。你们一定要彼此真诚，诚实地说出彼此的不愉快感受，但要以和解为指导思想。要记住，你们此次谈论的宗旨，是要恢复你们的亲密关系，而不是找回你自己。同时检查你自己是否有全或无的内疚想法：“我必须维持这种关系，无论发生什么。” 最后，有必要认识到：如果你受折磨，很难摆脱抑郁症状，除非你脱离目前的关系。 工作中的折磨 到目前为止，我们主要的观点是：尽管我们对他人的观点非常敏感，但我们必须小心，不能全盘接受他人对我们的评价。如今社会越来越关注出现在家庭、社会以及工作中的折磨现象。成为被折磨的对象是非常令人难过的事。就社会而言，我们需要学会接纳别人，温和待人。就个体而言，我们也要学会保护自己以免成为被折磨的对象。 有时，你可以旁观一名折磨者，因为不可能只有你一个人遭遇不幸，有时旁观者的看法会对你有益——证明这一切对你不公平。例如，以吉尔与马可为例，他们的许多朋友认为马可是一个“难以相处的人”，朋友的评价对吉尔放弃自我责备起了很大的帮助。 科林自从他苛责的上司来到后就陷入了抑郁。上司不断攻击、批评他的工作，渐渐地科林对自己的能力丧失了自信，后来，他逐渐改变了自己的想法： ．他人说我不好并不一定是事实。 ．我过去的工作一向很出色，我的同事也认为如此。 ．上司用全或无的方式思考，忽视了我工作中的积极方面。 ．其他人也遇到了与我一样的待遇。 ．或许是我过分地追求他的赞许，并因得不到赞许而愤怒。 而科林过去的观念却曾使他抑郁得更加厉害：“我应当设法应付，这一切都是我所造成的，如果我是'千真正的男人，我就要摆平他，我不应当让他继续这样，我真是软弱无能。”他把自己的无法应付看作是缺乏男子气或软弱无能， 有时，我们用他人的批评、指责来判断我们自己。——旦科林不再将问题看作是对自己是否有男子气的考验后，便找到了解决问题的办法。他接受了自己能力有限的事实，凋到了其他部门工作。我同意科林的看法，他认为，在一个理想的世界中，任何折磨人的人都应当受到惩罚，但科林太过费心地对付他的老板，他既没有这样的能力，也得不到他人的支持。科林对老板犹有余恨，这也是可以理解的，但当他不再认为自己是弱者后，他的抑郁症状消失了。有时，对折磨者最佳的反应是三十六计走为上策(如果这是可能的话)，千万不要将其视为对自己的考验。 同样，在性生活方面，有些人也会被折磨，而其他人或许从未经历过类似的折磨。如果这些事发生在你身上，你应当获取他人的帮助，尽可能保持自信。你要公开、坦白地面对这些问题，千万别让“只有我才遭遇这种不幸”的想法挡住你的路。