Chapter 11 Chapter 9 Self-abuse: How Negative Labels Affect Us

In the previous chapter, we discussed negative thoughts and emotions.This chapter explores other types of self-evaluation—how we experience and label ourselves.Not only do these signs express our hostility toward ourselves, but they also play an important role in depressive disorders. self identification Many of us feel worthless and incompetent at some point.These feelings arise when we are disappointed with our actions, or when we fail at something or are criticized by others.As we grow up, our fathers, teachers, siblings, and peers label us in all sorts of ways, sometimes hurtfully.They might say we're crap, bad, unlovable, stupid.Overprotective parents will say that we cannot make independent decisions and cope alone.Over time, we develop various ideas about ourselves—that is, we start labeling ourselves, describing ourselves in this way.

For example, if you were writing to a pen pal of yours - how would you describe yourself? If you were writing a cover letter, how would you describe yourself? If you were writing to a marriage agency, how would you describe yourself ? If you wrote a letter of confession to a pastor or to someone you know well, how would you describe yourself? If you compare the letters above, it is likely that each letter describes yourself differently. The reason for this is that people are complex, with many different qualities.When we're depressed, the richness, variety, and vitality of our underlying selves are drained, and we begin to describe ourselves in very simple words or logos.These labels can be derived from life events, such as labeling yourself as "unlovable" after you've been dumped by a loved one.Or, you may fail at an important task, and you label yourself a "failure."Signs of negativity are often triggered by negative emotions planted by early experiences.

Imagine being dumped by your beloved lover and starting to think you're unlovable, and once you're depressed, it's likely to go like this: You go to work the next day and it's all on your mind.You go to see a colleague, but he's too busy to chat with you, and he seems to have troubles of his own.At this point, you start to think: "Maybe my friend doesn't care about me at all, maybe I'm not as close as I thought." Can you spot the problem? We use this internal emotion And the "uncute" logo to judge other situations and relationships.Thus, internal identity (the way you see yourself) can affect your perception of many issues.

Self-identification is essentially a form of self-abuse.When depressed, we feel labels (such as weakness, incompetence, worthlessness) that seem to sum up who we are.The whole self can be identified by the logo. Depression is our judgments, labels, and emotions about ourselves, the same all over the world.Whether we live in China, America, or Europe, depressed people speak with the same tone.The following are typical words that people with depression use to describe themselves: bad incompetent outsider not cute emptiness useless failure weak petty victims detest weakness hopeless waste unattractive worthless

To challenge self-identification, we first need to realize that we are using one-sided words to describe ourselves.We can work our way out of depression, and that's when you realize that depression makes us judge ourselves so rashly over and over again.But we can train our minds to realize that this is just one of many possible assertions, including: honesty, hard work, caring, helpfulness, old/young, music-loving.Our negative judgment, as certain as it may seem, is "all or nothing," but we can challenge its precision.Although depression pushes us toward certain extremes of judgment, remember this: These judgments are only a part of who we are.Like a piano, we can play different notes, we are actually more complex than we think.

The content of self-challenge is as follows: ．As a human being, I am complex, the product of tens of thousands of years of evolution; my genetic code is extremely complex; my brain has billions of brain cells; work in different brain states and play different roles.Therefore, using simple negative words to judge the self and the essence of self-existence is to push the "all or nothing" way of thinking to the extreme. practice. ．When I'm depressed, it's natural to feel bad about myself, it doesn't mean I'm really bad.Believe me, this is emotional reasoning.I may feel worthless, but that doesn't make it true.

．Although I tend to focus on negative labels when I'm depressed, I should counteract this negative label with other self-concepts.For example, we can tell ourselves: I am honest, hardworking, and caring—at least sometimes, and I should consider other possible signs and inner feelings. ．I should check: Am I thinking too one-sidedly? Am I ignoring the positive aspects of my life? Are I judging things too much based on my emotional state? Are I using overgeneralization and extreme thinking? ．How do I see myself when I am not depressed? Maybe not as good as I thought, but at least it is better than it is now.

．Although depression tends to make me tend to approach complex problems with simple thinking, seeing things in black and white, good or bad, I don't have to be this way, I should try to challenge it.Examining first how I judge myself with crude logos, take a hard look at and challenge the typical logos I use. empty self Some people with depression live with a void.Depression drives out our positive emotions and makes us lose love for those around us.We feel dead, lifeless.As one patient put it: "I feel like a shell." To change this state, it's important to recognize that it's a natural response to depression.Depression robs you of your enthusiasm, not because you lack enthusiasm as a person, but because of the state of mind you are in.Once your mood improves, your enthusiasm will naturally revive.Although you may be terribly saddened by this, don't attack yourself for losing enthusiasm.In fact, if you focus on how sad you are, rather than how bad you are, you may find yourself wanting to cry a lot.Crying is often the harbinger of renewed enthusiasm.

In some depressed individuals, the experience of emptiness stems not from negative events, but from a lack of positive events in their lives.Paula had explained this emotion to me. I never thought I was bad, I didn't think I was bad overall, but I felt like 'plain water'. "She didn't feel like she was cute or unlovable: she didn't feel like she was anything special. In therapy we found that as a child, she was often neglected by her parents. They never abused her or paid attention to her. Because No one cared about her in her life, which made her feel empty. When Paula analyzed the pros and cons of the concept of "being like plain water", she found that although this concept gave her a sense of emptiness, it also had its value : That is, to make her avoid any kind of risk taking. She has her own motto: no risk, no loss.

To overcome this feeling of emptiness, Paula took the following shift: ．Prepare to take risks and learn to deal with failure, disappointment, and rejection. ．Carefully analyze whether, to some extent, the feeling of emptiness avoids your fear of certain things (such as failure, risk-taking, etc.). ．Recognize that the feeling of emptiness is an emotional reasoning.For example: "I feel empty, therefore I am empty." Feelings do not become reality. To challenge the idea of ​​inner emptiness, you start by recognizing that you have your own preferences, desires, needs and desires.Your preferences make you a unique individual.If you have preferences, wants, and needs, you cannot be empty, or plain human.Right now, you may wish for an immediate change in how you feel, which means that you desire to achieve a certain state of mind—like not being depressed, for example.

Let's start by looking at your preferences: What kind of movies do you like to watch? What kind of movies do you hate? What kind of music do you like? Do you like hot potatoes or snakes or cockroaches? You have a preference! Who do you spend most time with? Which chapter do you like best? What kind of clothes do you like to wear? If you say you have no preference, then Would you wear an orange-red top with bright green trousers that are totally incongruous? Someone with a feeling of emptiness needs to wake up something inside that seems to be sleeping.Imagine what would happen if these things woke up and you came alive and formed your own preferences? You might feel anxious at the thought of not only considering your preferences, but engaging with them. If so, write down Your anxious thoughts, and fighting them – are your fears being exaggerated by you? How can you take steps to beat your anxiety? Therefore, you should acknowledge that no matter how unremarkable your preferences may be, you do have them.You are not completely empty, your condition is not all or nothing.You might say: ''But there is nothing about me that attracts others. "If you think about it that way, your emptiness may be more akin to 'loneliness', or a problem with your confidence. Do you tell others about your preferences? If not, why? If you tell other people" I like this or that, what about you?" So what? If you think, ''Maybe they don't like it, or think I'm stupid and greedy.' Then your problem is confidence. , not a question of emptiness. Another possibility is that you are being too unrealistic.Do you hope to attract a few people, or everyone you meet? Are you overly concerned with social comparisons? Do you think that because my parents are not interested in me, no one will be interested in me? You can challenge your emptiness by: ．Telling yourself, "I'm empty" is an emotional reasoning. ．I should learn to pay attention to my own preferences and share them with others. ．Emptiness is not a black and white, all or nothing matter. ．I may be ignoring the positive aspects of my life, thinking that some things are not important, and if so, what are the positive aspects? ．I might be labeling myself, not realizing that people are complicated. ．Maybe it's not a sense of emptiness, but a sense of loneliness and my difficulty connecting with other people. ．Maybe there is a problem with self-confidence, if I am more confident in expressing myself, will I still feel empty? ．Is it self-aggressive for me to think no one is interested in me when I don’t have access? If so, how am I going to give them a chance to get to know me? nasty person Almost all of us need the admiration of others, and this often means that we want to be perceived as desirable (such as talents or abilities).It is easier to pay attention to others than to be followed by others.The problem is that when we have a need that can only be met with the help of others, we feel annoying and unworthy of our care.People often feel guilty and ashamed of needing help from others.Early in life, their needs may never have been taken seriously.One of my patients had a saying, "Share a problem with another, and one problem becomes two."She tries to control herself so as not to be a burden to others.This made her feel bad and filled with guilt, and the guilt made her want to care and be loved even further. The fear of being disliked is very sad.It means that these people are unable to disclose their needs, and cannot openly ask others for help.They like to "talk around" and send conflicting messages to others.Sometimes, some patients come to treatment and feel very embarrassed.Instead of trying to analyze what they were feeling and why, they were always worrying about bothering me.I've been researching this phenomenon from a very early age, and I've found that this worry is sometimes born of shame, and sometimes it's a fear that their own problems are too many and complex for me to handle.Other times it's a lack of trust where they think that even though I'm nice to them on the outside, on the inside I think they're wasting their time and I'm hiding my true feelings from them. You can challenge these beliefs by: ．Everyone has times to rely on others. ．Am I berating myself for having this need, labeling myself instead of facing them and understanding them better? ．How would my emotional/rational mind see this? ．What evidence is there that others cannot help me even if I turn to them? ．Did I assume in advance that I was going to be rejected? ．Am I turning to someone who doesn't care much or understand my feelings? ．Do I believe that all my needs should be met until I get help from others? Is this an all-or-nothing mindset? Are some of my needs more important than others? Can I solve some particular problem or need on my own ? ．Can I break down big needs into smaller ones instead of being overwhelmed by those big needs intimidated? ．Am I able to learn to be more aware of my needs and to be more confident? Will this help me? Another thing we need to consider is that sometimes, we realize that we have a desire to heal or help, that we need to turn to others, but we don't know how to do it, and we don't know what we really need.It takes a lot of work, but if you know what you need, you can ask, "What would I do if I did find someone who could meet my needs?" This question is very important.Because, some of your needs are met and you feel happy.But how will these fulfillments change you? How will they help you grow? Sharon dared not ask her husband to be gentler and spend more time with her, thinking that doing so would interfere with his work.Sharon sees herself as a nuisance to her husband.However, as she considered her needs carefully and imagined how she would change if they were met, she realized that she really needed his support and encouragement to increase her self-confidence so that she could go out to work.By thinking about what she would do if her needs were met (i.e., how would her needs be met change her), she realized two things: First, she could do things to help improve her self-confidence (e.g. self-confidence); secondly, she was able to clarify her needs for her husband, that is, she hoped that her husband could help her gain the confidence to go out and find a job. Finally, let's talk about confessing our needs to someone close.Sharon realized that seeking more love from her husband would not be a burden to her husband, but instead would strengthen their relationship.This is something she can verify.On reflection, she saw that it might be beneficial for her husband to talk about his own feelings and needs as well.When she mentioned this to her husband, he didn't quite understand at first, but she touched him, and he gradually realized that he was so focused on his work that he felt lonely, and the relationship between the two Also getting weaker.Moreover, he admitted that he knew Sharon was in a bad mood before, but didn't know what to do, because Sharon only talked about her feelings in general, and never mentioned the hidden problems behind the relationship-how lonely she was at home, Bored, she wants to go out and find a job.And, so as not to add to her annoyance, he did not talk to her about his problems. Sometimes our problems seem completely personal and we feel like a burden to others.But in fact, sometimes our feelings are about the quality of the relationship.If we worry too much about the burden of being a loved one, we don't allow them to share our distress—everyone hides their problems, and the relationship between two people suffers. camouflage Both related and distinct from feelings of emptiness, we feel false.From an evolutionary point of view, deception and camouflage are very important for both humans and animals. Many animals rely on deception and camouflage to avoid being attacked.Likewise, children must learn to lie, and lying and pretending are important social skills.Sometimes it's better to be less forthright with people, or at least a little tactful, than to risk hurting someone's feelings.Those who insist on 100% honesty and believe that sincerity is the most important human quality will bring real pain to people.In the name of honesty, it often means that they can be as critical of others as they want; they ignore other people's feelings and focus only on their own need for honesty.However, they can become very frustrated when others deal with them directly.Sometimes we need to hide our true feelings and thoughts—and being too honest doesn't always pay off. Psychoanalyst Carl Jung believed that each of us has a "persona" that we wear to make ourselves acceptable to others.We can't always deal with real emotions, we need to follow certain social rules and maintain a fair degree of politeness.But, like anything, a good Persona requires a balance (not all or nothing).If we have been too dishonest with others and feel that they are taking advantage of us, we can feel intense resentment. When we're depressed, everything we do can feel like we're faking or faking it, or outright luck.Depressed people devalue their past or present successes.There are many reasons for this.Sometimes these people are perfectionists, and they dismiss things that they don't consider to be perfect.They see deficiencies in their own behavior or performance and take them too seriously.They think the characters they play are more capable and better than their real selves.One of my patients, who enjoyed a high position in the academic world, became depressed when he won a grand prize. He felt that he had cheated everyone and that all his writings were fake and worthless. We may also worry about whether we have been genuine in our feelings for others in the past, or are we deluding ourselves? However, this type of judgment is most inappropriate when we are depressed, because depression reduces our ability to feel joy and becomes less enthusiastic.Also, cheating on others can create feelings of guilt that we try to hide. When Brenda fell into depression, she began to feel that she had married Nick and was pretending to love him.When she came to see me, we had an in-depth conversation (which went something like this): Paul (author's name): When you got married, did you feel like you were faking your love for Nick? Brenda: No, that's not the case.To be honest, I was uncertain and anxious about him, but we got along fine and I thought there was nothing wrong with our marriage at the time. Paul: Marriage can be scary at times, and maybe your feelings are complicated and you can't make sense of them. Brenda: Yeah, I think so.Getting married was a big deal, and I was worrying about whether I was making the right decision. Paul: Do you think that worrying about the correctness of a decision means you're cheating? Blanche: I can't tell. Paul: Well, let's paraphrase it this way: You feel like you're cheating on Nick because you're confused and don't know exactly how you feel about him. Brenda: Oh, yes, I'm really emotionally confused right now. Paul: Well, let's see this as emotional confusion rather than deception.Although, you don't feel love for Nick right now, but we can't be sure why, maybe you are unhappy with something, maybe there are other reasons.But if we take steps to clear it up, maybe it will give you a clear picture of how you feel.The problem is, if you're attacking yourself for cheating on Nick and you feel guilty, it's going to be harder to sort out your emotions. The above conversation had some effect on Brenda.It turns out that since Brenda had no passion for Nick in the first place, she felt very guilty that she had cheated on him.To get rid of guilt, she did many things she didn't want to do (e.g., sexual activity, going out together).But she's also angry at her compromise.Once she stopped feeling guilty about pretending to love Nick, she realized that something was wrong with their relationship.In addition, she also realized that love is complicated and not like it is shown in the movies.Brenda focused too much on her negative emotions and neglected the positive aspects of her life; she focused too much on her moments of emotional turmoil and neglected the happy moments with him. Sometimes people feel they have no choice but to pretend.For example, they believe that they must feign love in order to maintain a family relationship or a career.Mike pretends to like his boss very much, thinking that if he doesn't impress him, he will be fired, but he hates himself for being weak.In fact, he can look at this issue from another perspective.He should say, "I understand that I need this job, and that I have nothing more to do than impress and get along with my boss. In fact, I am a very sophisticated social activist." That's not to say faking is good - it's just a personal decision that we need to be honest about, find out why, and avoid attacking ourselves.If we want to reduce the level of lying to others, we need to learn to be confident and truly love ourselves and others.Self-aggression, low mood will only make the process harder. Fear of faking not only has an element of guilt (as in Brenda) but sometimes also involves fear of being discovered.Some people who live in disguise often feel fear, they are afraid of being exposed, afraid of being left out and ridiculed. The following steps can be taken to challenge pretense: ．Maybe I've been lucky in some things, but it doesn't mean that everything I've achieved is due to luck.I'm talented, though not as much as I'd expect. ．Sometimes I fake it because I'm confused or scared.It's much better to figure this out than to just attack yourself. ．It is not all or nothing to be camouflaged or not, and there are differences in degrees of camouflage. ． "Anything I do is a fake" is an overly generalized notion. ．By feeling like a pretender, I believe I am a pretender, which is an emotional way of reasoning.I need proof that I am or am not. ．A sense of faking is a symptom of depression, which prevents me from seeing myself and others accurately. ．If the faux pas bothers me, I'd better find out why so I can change the situation. If I resort to self-aggression, I feel worse, and the level of camouflage is not reduced, but exacerbated.Let me try to use empathy to get to the bottom of the problem. The experience of masquerading and deception is more common than we realize when we are depressed.Moreover, the question of masquerade versus deception is often at the crux of social dilemmas.When you find out that you are not very sincere or honest, you will feel very guilty.And, when we lack confidence in our own behavior or performance, we also become very vulnerable because we fear that others will find our loopholes and see us as fakes.The thing is, "sincerity" isn't a one-time thing, and even if you're having an affair with your partner today, it doesn't mean that your happiness together is fake; Achievements are all in disguise.It just means that you will feel differently in different psychological states and at different times.