Chapter 10 Chapter 8 Self Torture and How to Challenge It

When you're depressed, your thoughts and emotions often become very negative.I say "often" because that's not always the case.For example, one patient has been depressed since she moved in with a new neighbor across the door.That neighbor is in the habit of playing music loudly in the early morning.She tried to get the authorities to ban him, but although they sympathized with her, they couldn't help her.Gradually, she sank into depression, feeling her whole life was ruined, and there was nothing she could do about it.She didn't think her depression was her own fault, or that she was incompetent, worthless, or vulnerable.She is depressed simply because she is wallowing in a state of losing control of a complex situation.

Sometimes depression is the result of conflict, breakdown in family or important relationships.The depressed person feels trapped and a failure in the relationship, but does not attribute the fault to the relationship.Sometimes, depressed people feel bad about their depressive illness and the effect it has had on those around them, but instead of seeing themselves as bad or incompetent, they blame the depression itself. Many depressed people are hard on themselves.Depression certainly doesn't improve how we feel about ourselves.A poor relationship with the self can be a prelude to depression, and this relationship can continue to deteriorate as depression progresses.In this chapter, we will discuss the typical "self-thinking" of depressed patients and study how to overcome it.All of the thought patterns discussed in this chapter can be thought of as "self-torture."You will see that we torture ourselves in various ways.

remorse Blame arises when we try to get to the root of an event—why? When depressed, we feel extremely responsible for negative events, and as a result, we start blaming ourselves.The reasons for this phenomenon are complex. Sometimes, self-blame is learned in the family, and when things go wrong in the family, it is often us who are blamed.So even sexually abused children learn to blame themselves—which is of course ludicrous.Unfortunately, adults who are good at blaming others often pick the people who are least able to refute them. Serbia is a very self-blaming person, and her mother often blames her for causing pain in her life.Over time, Serbia accepted the blame.Whenever someone close was having trouble, she started blaming herself.However, when Serbia looked for evidence, she found that there were many reasons for her mother's unhappiness, including marital problems and financial constraints.But Serbia couldn't understand so deeply when she was a child, she could only believe what her mother told her.

The self-blame of the depressed person is downright overwhelming.When unfortunate events happen or conflict arises, they think it's all their own fault.This phenomenon is called "excessive self-attribution," and it refers to our tendency to take full responsibility when we are not at fault, or only slightly.However, a life event is a composite of various contexts.When we're depressed, it helps us a lot to step outside the box and identify all possible causes of an event.Instead of just blaming ourselves, we should learn to consider other possible explanations. Her husband had an affair, and Shera blamed herself for it.She thinks: "If I care more about him, he won't have an affair; if I'm more sexually attractive, he won't have an affair; if I'm an interesting person and care less about my children, he won't have an affair." There will be no affair." All her thoughts were focused on herself.However, she should consider other possibilities.For example, she should think "If he takes responsibility for the kids, I won't be so burnt out; if he should spend more time at home; if he's more attractive during sex, I'll enjoy sex more. Even if he feels attracted to another woman, he doesn't really do it; that woman knows he's married and doesn't encourage him to do it."

You can itemize all the possibilities and rate their veracity with a percentage.Or you can draw a circle and assign each cause a region, with the size of each region representing the degree of truth.Figure 5 plots the Shera situation.The two circles represent depressive beliefs and more reasonable beliefs, respectively.Please note: There are many reasons for any one situation.When Shera realized this, she found that her "other-view circle" seemed more real. ． We also have the same tendency when we blame others, that is, we ignore the complexity of the incident and simply blame others, thinking that they are bad, weak, etc.

Self-blame and self-control Paradoxically, one of the things that creates self-blame is that it brings hope.For example, if something is caused by our fault, we have the opportunity to change it in the future.Our sense of (potential) control over events frees us from an actual sense of uncontrollability.While it's important to develop a sense of control over our lives in a depressed state, it's equally important to know our limits and what we can't do.Sheila eventually had to face the fact that she didn't have complete control over her husband's sexuality and that it was his responsibility, not hers.We must be careful: when we blame ourselves, we don't give ourselves a sense of control over events that exceeds reality.

avoid confict Another reason to blame yourself is that you are more comfortable blaming yourself than blaming others.Self-blame keeps the peace and keeps us from conflict with others.When we were young, if our parents told us that they hit us because we were bad at something, we learned to accept their point of view and not argue.This attitude carries over into adulthood.It seems to us that others are not at fault and not to blame. Sometimes we find ourselves not entirely irresponsible for something, but when our responsibilities are discussed, we exaggerate our responsibilities.We focus so much on our faults that we feel worthless.However, everything in life is caused by many factors.Here, we must avoid an all-or-nothing mindset.In any case, we should take our share of responsibility, but not too much.Only by forgiving ourselves and forgiving others can we get better from our illness.expect punishment

When misfortune occurs, depressed people feel that they will be punished for their fault in some way.We seem to believe that only good things can happen when we are good, and only bad things can happen when we are bad.So when something bad happens, we think it means we were or have been bad.When Kate's baby died of illness, she felt that God must be punishing her for having an abortion a few years earlier.When you are depressed, the feeling of being punished becomes very strong.After analysis, it will be found that this feeling of being punished is often associated with guilt or shame about something in the past.For example, Richard's parents had warned him that masturbation was bad.But when he masturbated for the first time at the age of 12, he felt both pleasure and a strong sense of guilt.For many years thereafter, he firmly believed that his addiction to masturbation was very bad and he would be punished for it sooner or later.So when an unfortunate event befalls him, he sees it as "part of the punishment."

To overcome these emotions, we often have to first accept the event that made us feel guilty and then learn how to forgive ourselves. The principles of "justice" and "punishment" are man-made, which is a bit difficult to accept, but for African refugees, there is no justice.Good and bad things can happen to us no matter how we behave. self-criticism Associated with self-blame is self-criticism.Sometimes, while we blame ourselves for something, we also think: It was an accidental misfortune and we can forgive ourselves.When depressed, however, inertia causes us to spend a lot of time criticizing and judging everything we do.

Some people think that self-criticism is the only way to push yourself hard.For example, a person might say that if I don't criticize myself, I can't do anything. "They see self-torture as one of the forces that drive them - sadistic, masochistic. Such people believe that threats and punishment are the best way to make things happen. This idea goes back to childhood. Maybe Parents often say "If I don't always supervise you, you can't do anything" or "Punishment is the most effective way for you". Parents don't pay much attention to children's good behavior and rarely praise them; Behaviors are quickly punitive. Therefore, children gradually learn to self-criticize and self-punish, and seldom encourage themselves.

Self-criticism is often involuntary when you are depressed.The self-abusive/critical tendencies are so persistent that we feel overwhelmed.So when we are disappointed by something or find that our actions are not meeting our desired goals, we feel frustrated and angry, and then we attack ourselves violently.Only with it can I have me Self-criticism can lead to the "it-I" concept, that is, "I can only accept 'myself' if I do 'it' well." "It" can refer to any event that you consider important.If you're a student, "it" might mean passing an exam.You may be saying to yourself, "I can only accept myself if I pass the exam, otherwise, I will hate myself." "It" can also refer to handling chores or work: "If I can do these things well, I will be A person of value." Success can lead to self-acceptance, while failure can lead to self-loathing or self-possession. This way of thinking means: "I'm going to do it just as well as I did last time." However, how does success and failure materially affect us? If you succeed, are you better? Conversely, If you fail, do you become worthless? Whether you succeed or fail, your brain cells are not increased or decreased.We don’t gain an extra arm or a leg, our taste in music doesn’t change, the very nature of our being doesn’t change.Of course, if we fail, we will lose something that we think is important, and we may be sad and frustrated by what we have lost.But the caveat is that if that disappointment turns into a self-aggression that it’s not our actions that have failed, but that we have failed as a person, then it will be very difficult for us to shake it off. Therefore, it is necessary to realize that success or failure affects how we feel; we will be disappointed by failure, but success or failure does not change who I am.If we focus too much on our actions instead of being satisfied with our inner selves, we become addicted to our desire to succeed.Only success makes us feel good, any failure hurts us because it makes us think less of ourselves. It's not a new concept, Buddhists and others have long believed that the reason we suffer is because we care too much about success or failure.They believe: "To live in the world, but not to own it." This can make us realize that if we devalue ourselves, we shake the foundation of our existence.Perhaps you can think of it this way: Your ego is like a house, and the disappointment of failure is like a storm.When the storm comes, it is better to close the doors and windows, than to leave all the doors and windows open and let them attack. The point is that you should distinguish between judgments of behavior and judgments of self.Your actions may not be what you want them to be, but that doesn't change who you are as a human being.We can express disappointment with our actions, or events that happen to us, but we cannot use an 'all or nothing' mindset to evaluate ourselves as good or bad, valuable or unworthy. It is tantamount to dehumanizing ourselves into a commodity with a price in the market. We say to ourselves: "If I do well, I will be cherished by people; otherwise, I am useless garbage. "However, we are not objects, but advanced and complex living entities with life and emotions. It is very dangerous to evaluate ourselves like evaluating objects. Self-attack More recently, research has shown that feeling weak and disappointed in yourself is a more likely trigger for depression than self-critical beliefs.This seems to suggest, not self-criticism per se.It is the individual's reaction to self-criticism that triggers the depression.Depression arises when self-criticism turns into self-seeking and triggers our basic beliefs and self-identifications (e.g. vulnerable, bad, incompetent, helpless, etc.). Each of us has a tendency to be self-critical.However, when we start torturing ourselves, judging ourselves as worthless, bad, or weak, it's easy to slide into the abyss of depression.In a way, we become our own enemies and lose the ability to care for ourselves.It’s as if our ego is locked into certain emotions, causing us to become overly identified with those emotions (due to emotional reasoning), thinking that we are who we feel we are.For example "I feel stupid/worthless, therefore I am a stupid/worthless person". The key to problem solving is to change the all-or-nothing mindset and emotional reasoning. ．Judging a person as good or bad, valuable or worthless is an all-or-nothing mindset.I should think of some things that I can do well, and others that I cannot do as well as I would like. ．Just because I feel stupid or worthless doesn't mean I'm stupid or worthless. ．Value judgments can be applied to objects such as cars, washing powder, etc., but not to people. ．I can't think of myself as an object and feel that my worth comes from my accomplishments. ．If I can admit that "worthlessness" is one of all my possible self-feelings, then I will be able to put these negative emotions in perspective. ．If I over-identify with feelings of worthlessness, then I'm likely to slip into depression.self hate In extreme cases, depression involves not only self-criticism and self-attack but also self-loathing.It's not just a sense of disappointment with yourself, but seeing yourself as a loathsome enemy.Self-criticism stems from disappointment and a desire to do better; self-hatred is not the need to do better, but the urge to destroy or destroy yourself. Along with self-hatred comes self-loathing.Disgust is an interesting emotion that involves the motivation to get rid of or get rid of something you dislike.Self-hatred leads us to judge ourselves as disgusting, bad, or evil.Once we have these emotions, we are motivated to attack ourselves in brutal ways.It's not just that we're disappointed or down, we actually hate parts of ourselves. Kate was bound by anxiety and a sense of worthlessness, and she felt overwhelmed with anger if things didn't go right or if she had conflicts with others.At the same time as she was angry, she also had strong hatred and notions about herself.Her self-torture was sadistic, with thoughts like, "You're a poor thing, a maggot, and useless shit!" When people hate themselves, they often judge themselves by those Words that evoke disgust (such as shit).Kate was sexually abused, and at times she loathed her genitals and even wanted to take a knife to it.In extreme cases, self-hatred can lead to severe self-harm. Sonia was not sexually abused, but she hated the shape of her face and often resorted to surgery.It's not uncommon for this self-hatred to be directed at the body, and it's often associated with feelings of shame. It is very important to find out how we really feel and see if our self-torture, self-criticism has crossed the line and turned into self-loathing or self-loathing.Are you able to maintain a loving relationship with yourself despite your disappointment with yourself and where you are? If your self-abuse tendencies are out of control, you should try to: use your emotional mind, Change it in a gentle and friendly way. ．My self-hatred is very destructive. ．Am I a person who likes to hate 7 ．If I wasn't someone who loves to hate, and could see its destructiveness, maybe I could learn to control myself better. ．What is the value of my self-hatred? ．I know all too well that if I care about someone, I can't hate them. ．Is my way of thinking all or nothing? Am I neglecting the positive aspects of myself? ．Am I as bad as Hitler? No, then I should put my self-hatred into perspective. ．Maybe I should get tougher with my self-torturing tendencies and not let it take away from what I love to do. ．After all, self-hatred or self-loathing doesn't do me any good, it just brings me down. ．Maybe I'm used to being disgusted by others, and if I attack myself, I'm repeating how they treated me. The hardest part of the above is that you have to be honest with yourself and decide whether or not to let the hate live in you.Only by being determined not to allow self-hatred to persist can you train yourself to better control it rather than be controlled by it.However, it can be difficult to love and ultimately heal yourself if you internally support self-hatred and justify it.For some, it's a soul-searching process.However, as one patient said to me: The hardest part was realizing that no matter what had happened in the past, no matter how much anger and hostility I had harbored against myself over the years, the turning point was when I decided to admit: Am I enough? This self-hatred.Only then can I take the first step in solving this problem. Of course, overcoming self-hatred is good for us, not just for getting rid of depression: many problems in our lives will change as a result.Everyone has an underlying tendency to hate—and if you feel it, it doesn't mean you're abnormal.The crux of the matter is: how much market do you give it? Hate comes from pain.We hate what hurts us and causes us pain.But instead of resenting it, focus on these pains and injuries and figure out what they are.Of course, if you discover that there is an element of self-hatred in your depression, don't generalize that experience to other types of self-aggression. Instead, say: So glad I discovered my aversion.Now, I'm going to focus on learning to love myself and testing the intellectual element of self-hatred.Maybe I'm in the grip of an all-or-nothing thought pattern, or emotional reasoning.I should see hatred as a symptom of an injury.Social comparisons Some negative self-aggressive ideas arise when we compare ourselves to others and thereby demean ourselves.In fact, people often compare themselves with others, such as "is mine bigger than yours?" and so on.Even animals use "social comparison" to decide who to challenge, whom to attack, and whom to avoid.Our brains are wired for social comparison, so avoiding it can be hard. Social comparisons provide us with important information that we can use to make decisions such as: 'Am I the same or different from others?' 'Am I one of them?...'Am I an insider or an outsider "Am I better (smarter, stronger, attractive, capable) than others or about the same?" Even failure can make us feel better if the outcome of the social comparison is positive.Imagine you fail an important task (such as a test or driver's license test), you feel depressed about your failure, then you call your friends and find out that they failed too, chances are you will feel better, You're not alone in feeling like a failure. When we're depressed, we tend to make negative comparisons of ourselves to others.In these comparisons, we choose against people who are actually (we think) better than us in some way.In other words, we don't compare ourselves to Mr. Ordinary (or Mrs. Mr. Ordinary), but to those who we think are doing a good job.Jane is a mother of two, and she devotes all her energy to caring for her children.She has friends who go out to work even though they also have children.Jane thought, "I'm not as capable as they are because I'm not working. I've worked so hard to just manage the house." When I asked her if there was anyone among her friends who had children who were not working She admits that many of her friends don't work.However, she does not compare with them, but with a few people who have jobs. Diane was depressed after giving birth, and she thought there must be something wrong with her because she reacted differently than her friends.So she didn't talk about it with any of her friends, and endured the ordeal in silence.The same goes for Bill, who is a keen tennis player and at the club, he's in the middle of the pack.But because he is often compared to the top players, he feels inferior when he can't beat them. Depressed people tend to ignore social comparisons that can bring positive evaluations of their abilities, and often make comparisons that bring negative emotions to themselves.In other words, they often make the wrong comparisons.Instead of thinking about how much better they are than XYZ, they focus on how much worse they are than ABC.The ideal situation is of course that we don't compare ourselves to anyone else, set personal standards, and live according to our inner feelings.But research shows it can be very difficult, especially for those with low self-confidence levels.So when you compare yourself to others, make sure your comparison doesn't make you feel depressed or inferior. Social comparisons between siblings are very common in family relationships, and if you have kids, you'll find that they're always trying to figure out who you (as a parent) like better.You'll often hear things like, "You let Ken or Sue stay awake and watch TV—why not me.  …' You say it's normal for Ken or Sue to see friends, so why don't you let me go?" Depression sometimes Some people have many unresolved issues about early family relationships, and they feel that they have been living in the shadow of their siblings—not as smart as them, not as attractive, etc.Jim went to college and was good at his studies, but his younger brother Tom was more practical than academic.Tom was not satisfied with himself. He often compared himself with Jim and felt a failure. He said to himself: "Why am I not as smart as him?" These problems are linked to jealousy.Jealousy is even more destructive when it is turned on itself.For example, you may be jealous of someone who wins an award or makes a lot of money, but if you tell yourself that you won't get those things yourself.Otherwise you are a loser and you will be in trouble.For example, in the example above, Tom insists that life is unfair to him. One of the reasons why some people who seem to be socially prestigious get depressed is social comparison.A few years ago I worked with a doctor who had done well in his training and found the job stressful when he qualified.He felt that he was inferior to his colleagues, that compared to them, he felt that he lacked confidence and could not keep up with them.This proves once again: the object of social comparison (with whom we compare) is very important. Although social comparison is unavoidable, there are a few things we can do to change the negative beliefs we create due to social comparison: ．Choose comparisons that are closest to you and avoid comparisons with those who are clearly better than you in some way. ．When non-depressed people compare themselves to others and see that they are not doing as well, they ignore the comparison.Depressed people, instead of ignoring this comparison, think it over and over again.Therefore, when the result of the comparison is unfavorable to you, you need to find a reason to prove that the comparison is not suitable for you. ．If a comparison offends you, write a pros and cons analysis of the comparison.If the comparison is in your favour, do not belittle others for it.If the comparison makes you feel bad and frustrating (you belittle yourself), then realize that the comparison is doing more harm than good. ．If you're feeling down after a comparison, avoid self-attacks.Remember: there are people out there who can do everything better than you, but that doesn't mean you're a failure or incompetent. ．See your life as a uniquely personal journey, with its own unique ups and downs, and challenges you will encounter.As much as you want to live someone else's life, it's impossible.You should see yourself as yourself, not as you compare yourself to others. ．Focus on what you can do, not what others are better than you at.Don't deny your achievements. ．If you are depressed, don't label yourself as "incompetent" by assuming that other people are not depressed.Many people experience anxiety and depression.All these negative self-directed ideas of the internal torturer are forms of self-torture.What I call the "internal tormentor" observes the self and then makes judgments about it that range from self-critical to self-loathing.We don't yet know where it comes from, but usually it originates in childhood.If you look back at this internal tormentor, you will see that it is one or both of your parents.When faced with setbacks and when we feel disappointed in ourselves, the inner tormentor comes into play. As I have already pointed out, some people think that if we don't force ourselves, if we don't induce ourselves to act, then we can't do anything.But we shall see that it will do me harm if I lose control of my inner tormentor.Let us recall the example of Anne's pasting the meal.She thought she had messed up the whole party and had failed because she hadn't cooked the food well.Notice how destructive her thoughts are.Imagine being confronted with a friend like this, would you say to her "You're such a poor crafter, you messed up the whole party, you're a failure"? If you said that, she would be very upset, never will I invite you again.But people often say that to themselves. Self-torture (internal self-attack) often leads to a lot of problems (such as doing less).Metaphorically, after I knock you down, I start beating you because you're down.It is important to recognize this vicious circle, because we will encounter it repeatedly in our lives. In the face of self-torturers, you should tell yourself: See, I'm not as lazy/bad/incompetent as I think I am, and frankly, it was my inner tormentor that knocked me down and drove me into depression.It caused me many problems, I fell and it kicked me.If I really want success as much as I say, I should encourage myself gently when things don't go my way.If I have self-confidence, I can do more than just fear, anger and failure. The next thing is to create a plan of action for yourself and learn to praise yourself when you succeed instead of attacking yourself when you are disappointed.If your inner tormentor is belittling you for not trying hard enough, say something like this to yourself: I'm depressed right now and don't have normal levels of motivation which is understandable.Even though I can't quite do what I used to do, I can still do some of it.I want to praise myself for what I can do, not attack myself for what I can't.I couldn't get out of depression by self-torture.What I do is what I can do, I have to step by step and encourage myself in time, no matter how small the progress is, I am progressing after all. If you want to fight back, you can say to something that bothers you, "Go to hell! I'm going to do something I want to do today."