Chapter 11 Chapter 5 Listening: Be a Patient Listener

In the social arena, you can often see one of your friends chatting enthusiastically with another person you don't know. At this time, you may have the idea of ​​adding it. Because you don't know what their topic is, and if you join in suddenly, it may make them feel unnatural, and they may not be able to continue the topic.Worse, maybe they were in the midst of a major negotiation and inadvertently lost the deal because you distracted them from concentrating; At this critical moment, perhaps because of your intervention, the solution that is beneficial to them will fail, and the atmosphere of the scene will become awkward and out of control.At this time, everyone will definitely feel that you are impolite, and then they all hate you, leading to social failure.

Suppose a person is talking enthusiastically, and you suddenly interrupt: "Hey, is this what you saw yesterday?" The person who is speaking will definitely not like you because you interrupted him. Others won't like you either. Many people who are not polite always rush in halfway when others are talking about something, when they are talking about something they are happy about, so that others are caught off guard and have to stop.This kind of person will not tell you in advance that he is going to interject.When he interjects, sometimes he doesn't care what you said, and shifts the topic to the aspects he is interested in. Sometimes he speaks your conclusion instead, so as to proudly show off his eloquence.In either case, there is a sudden sense of disgust in the speaker, because someone who interrupts someone casually has no respect for others.

Bacon once said: "Interrupting others, interrupting people, is even more annoying than the speaker." Interrupting others is the most rude behavior. There was a boss who was negotiating business with several clients. When the conversation was about the same, a friend of the boss came.The friend jumped in and said, "Wow, I saw a big scene on the street just now..." Then he went on.The boss motioned him not to speak, but he spoke with gusto.When the customer saw that the topic of business discussion was disrupted, he said to the boss: "You can talk to your friends first, and we will come back another day." The customer left after finishing speaking.

The boss's friend interrupted randomly and disturbed the boss's big business, which made the boss very annoyed.It is impolite to interrupt others or interrupt in the middle of a conversation, but some people have such a bad habit, and the result is often inadvertently destroying their own interpersonal relationships. Everyone can't help but want to express their own thoughts, but if you don't understand other people's feelings, regardless of the occasion and timing, you interrupt others or grab the conversation of others, which will disturb other people's thinking and arouse the other party's feelings. Unhappy, and sometimes even misunderstanding.

If you want to gain good popularity, if you want others to like you and accept you, you must eradicate the bad habit of interrupting other people's speech casually, never interrupt when others are talking, and do the following: Do not interrupt others with irrelevant topics; Don't interrupt others with meaningless comments; Don't rush to speak for others; Don't rush to help others finish their story; Don't interrupt other people's conversations to argue about trivial matters. Another person's self-consciousness is like a guard at the entrance of his subconscious mind, and if you arouse his self-consciousness or over-excite it, he will never accept your opinion.Therefore, when you want to persuade the other party, don't interrupt him first, let him state his opinion and reasons, even if you can't agree and accept, don't interrupt the other party, especially when you raise a positive objection, you should listen to the other party's opinion first .After listening, start to say "You make a lot of sense, but..." and other objections.

Psychologists put forward a concept - mental set: if a person has something in his stomach, he will start his mental set to prepare to speak, and he will not turn to listen to you until he has finished talking. Opinion.Therefore, if you want your opinion to be heard by the other party and achieve the purpose of persuading him, you must first learn to listen to the other party's speech.In this way, the other party will have a feeling that you are paying attention to what he has to say, that you respect his opinion, and then have the psychology of wanting to talk to you.At this time, the other party already has a good impression of you, and will unconsciously think about the problem in the direction of being persuaded.This is a very important psychological tactic when persuading the other party.

If you directly put forward an objection without listening to the other party's opinion, then it will inevitably arouse the other party's emotional rebuttal, and of course it will not be able to arouse the desire to listen to you. It is extremely unwise to do so, especially for some domineering and Stubborn people who take this approach will be immediately refuted. The person with the most mind-boggling skills, when his opinions are opposed or someone wants to complain, he always listens patiently to the other party's speech, and further asks the other party to repeat some of the points and reasons, and asks if the other party still agrees. I have something else to say.Doing so will eliminate the other party's resistance and make the other party realize that the obedient person is interested in his point of view.

In addition, through the research on interpersonal relationships, social psychologists unanimously pointed out that one of the most fundamental tenets of interpersonal communication is "not to criticize the other party", and to fully listen to the other party's conversation, so that the other party can talk freely.During psychological consultation, psychologists usually try to let the other party finish what they want to say, and avoid interrupting in the middle.Otherwise, the desire of the other party to confide will not be satisfied, and the two parties will not be able to establish a closer conversation relationship, and even cause hostility between the two parties.In addition, a survey on the degree of trust between customers and salesmen also shows that most of the salesmen who will receive unreasonable demands from customers after the products are sold like to talk and often interrupt customers.Therefore, we can infer that in order to open the other person's heart and establish an intimate relationship, the problem lies in the way and content of speaking.In this way, everyone can understand the truth that most effective salesmen are more dull.

There is a poem that says: "Don't brag about yourself, pride and self-satisfaction will overturn the cart. Looking at many things in the past and present, success comes from humility and failure from extravagance." These words are aimed at those who lack self-knowledge and are blindly complacent, but for us. To deal with life, it also has very practical significance to shape one's good communication image and character quality.There is no end to one's studies. No matter whether you devote yourself to self-study or learn from others, if you don't have a humble attitude, you won't make progress.The road of life is full of twists and turns, and it is impossible to be able to handle complex interpersonal relationships freely and develop healthily without an open-minded and sincere attitude. "Success comes from humility and failure comes from extravagance", with a humble attitude, you will have self-knowledge, know your own shortcomings, and then you will have the direction to work hard.

Quite a few people, in order to get others to agree with them, go on and on and on, leaving no room for others to speak at all.In particular, some salesmen are most likely to make this mistake, blindly boasting to customers how good their products are, so that customers have no room to intervene. In fact, this is the most wrong thing.The customer chooses the goods only when he has the intention of buying them. He criticizes these goods without arguing with them. After he chooses them, he will buy them naturally.If you argue with him, it's like accusing the customer of being blind and ignorant of good and bad.If the customer is insulted by this, he must have gone to another place. Wouldn't he lose a lot of business in vain?

Therefore, when others are speaking, if you disagree with something, you should wait for others to finish speaking, and you must not intervene or stop others.Stopping people is actually the biggest mistake, because when people have a lot to say, they will never come to accept your opinions, and they will not pay attention to you at all.So we should encourage others to express their opinions and listen patiently to what others have to say. In the process of listening to others, a good talker can often display many good qualities.He has a delicate heart, able to understand other people's feelings; he is full of sympathy, can enjoy others' happiness and worry about others' worries; he has deep self-cultivation, can understand others' difficulties, forgive others' mistakes, and tolerate others' shortcomings ;He has good patience and can listen to other people's messy, immature, or even incoherent and inconsistent opinions for a long time.He also has the enthusiasm and ability to discover and absorb other people's views. When others hesitate to speak because of concerns, he can sincerely and kindly encourage them to continue; When others say something good, he nods again and again; when others try to express some thoughts that are difficult to express, he listens attentively, and from time to time he asks others for advice on questions that he did not understand clearly; when others When his speech came to an end, he organized and absorbed what others said.Because of the above good qualities, a good talker can often understand all kinds of people deeply and carefully.His language can often touch people's hearts very effectively.In this way, no matter who sees him, they are willing to treat him as a bosom friend, willing to confide their thoughts to him, and pour out all the severe pain and troubles hidden in their hearts to him, hoping to get his sympathy, comfort and support. help. In addition, a good talker must also be modest and discreet.No matter how others admire him or admire him, he should be humble and open-minded.Few people are willing to talk to a person who is arrogant and arrogant; likewise, a person who is so narrow-minded that he can only accommodate himself is not popular. Joe?Girard is the premier car salesman, however, he also had a memorable failure experience. Once, a customer came to Joe to discuss the purchase of a car.He recommended a new type of car to that person, and it went very well. Just at the juncture of the transaction, the other party suddenly decided not to buy it. That night, Joe tossed and turned, puzzled.He couldn't help calling the other party: "Hi sir, you are about to sign today, why did you leave suddenly?" "Sir, do you know what time it is?" "Sorry, I know it's 11 o'clock at night, but I've been introspecting all day and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong." "Very well, are you listening to me now?" said the other end of the phone. "Very attentively," he replied. "However, you didn't pay attention to what I said this afternoon. Just before signing, I mentioned that my son is about to enter university, and I also told you about his academic performance and ideals, but you didn't listen at all!" The other party continued: "At that time, you were listening to another salesman telling a joke. Maybe you thought what I said had nothing to do with you, but I wouldn't want to buy something from someone who doesn't respect me." From then on, Joe knew that listening attentively is so important for doing anything. Everyone has a great interest in what they have experienced and done, and no one is happiest than talking about these things to others.But talking about it too much will make the listener lose interest. For example, some people had a very interesting dream and felt that they were in the dream, which was a lot of fun, but they talked about it with everyone they met and took the trouble.In addition, some people like to chatter about their previous experiences: what happened when they were in middle school, what happened when they were in college, what happened when they first started working, what happened later...and so on.But if we think about it carefully, are other people as interested in the things we are interested in as we are?Those intermittent and weird dreams, except for the dreamer himself, sound very dull to others.If the listener is not at all familiar with those past events, those people, and those places mentioned by the speaker, and does not find it interesting at all, he will undoubtedly not resonate with the speaker. All of these are nothing more than proof that people are interested in what they experience, and feel dull about things that have nothing to do with them.Therefore, when we talk with others, we should grasp the psychology of the listener. Everyone dreams, and he will not be interested in other people's dreams that have nothing to do with the overall situation; everyone has his own experience, and he will not care about other people's ordinary experiences that have nothing to do with himself.This fact tells us that when talking with people, try to talk less about things that they are not interested in, and don't chatter about your life, children, career, etc., unless the other party is really interested in special circumstances, otherwise, it is better Better to talk about other topics. At the same time, since we know that everyone likes what he knows best, we can try to tease others to say his own things in conversation.This is the best way to make each other happy.If we are full of sympathy and enthusiasm to listen to his narration with relish, we can definitely give the other party a better impression. Therefore, if you want to make more friends and succeed in communication, you should talk less about what others are not interested in. Don't just talk about yourself and express yourself, but you should patiently listen to what others have to say. In the waiting hall, Punk was concentrating on his study, when suddenly the voice of an old lady came from the next seat: "I dare say Chicago must be very cold now." "Probably so," Punk replied casually. "I haven't been to Chicago in almost three years," said the old lady. "My son lives there." "Very good." Punk said without looking up. "My husband's body is on this plane. We've been married for fifty-three years. You know, I don't drive. A nun drove me from the hospital when he died. We weren't even religious. The host of the funeral sent me to the airport." The old lady said sadly. At this moment, Punk felt how disgusting his behavior of ignoring the old lady just now was, and he finally understood that there was a person beside him who was eager for others to listen to her.In a desperate attempt, she turns to a cold stranger who is more interested in reading. All she needs is an audience, no advice, no teaching, no money, no help, no judgment, not even sympathy, just begging for a minute or two to listen to her. Punk stopped reading and listened attentively to the old lady.The old lady spoke slowly until they boarded the plane. It seems so contradictory: In a society with advanced communication equipment, people suffer from being unable to communicate and find an audience.The old lady found her seat on the other side of the cabin.As Punk hung up his coat, he heard the old lady say to her neighbor in a mournful voice, "I bet it's cold in Chicago right now." Punk prayed in his heart: "God, I hope someone will listen to her." People will have a desire to talk, if someone is chattering to you, listening patiently is the greatest respect for others. In modern society, we hope that everyone can speak up and speak boldly.But there is a measure in everything, if we don't grasp this measure, it will only be counterproductive and self-defeating. There are many disputes in life because there is too much talking; the more you talk, the more opportunities to go wrong.Teaching people to talk less nonsense and do more practical things is the consensus of ancient and modern Chinese and foreign philosophers and scholars.It is imbued with profound dialectics.A truly learned person is as wise as a fool and doesn't talk nonsense. On the contrary, those who are empty and have little writing like to brag.Therefore, we should remember a principle: in any place and occasion, it is best to speak less.When it comes time to speak, you must pay attention to the content and meaning of your speech, the words and sentences you choose, the accompanying gestures and the voice of your speech.It is worth noting what to say on what occasion and in what way to say it.Whether it is in discussing knowledge, contacting business, actual entertainment or entertainment, the words from our mouths must have a central point, be specific, vivid, and very exciting. In occasions like symposiums, everyone speaks enthusiastically, without paying attention to what others are saying.Therefore, mutual misunderstandings often arise, everyone thinks their own way, stands on his own standpoint, and interprets other people's opinions without authorization. On the surface, everyone's discussions are very lively, but in fact they are very scattered.Therefore, a truly insightful person will analyze and sort out the arguments of everyone in his head, and only after the symposium is in the middle, he will put forward his summarized points, so that everyone can have a consistent direction.Then, express your own opinion and make the direction of the whole discussion clearer. This kind of person is the most expressive person. In order to ensure that every word spoken is valued by others and not annoying, the only capital is to speak less, think quietly, and listen patiently to others. Here are 6 rules to be a patient listener: Rule number one: Compliment the speaker.Doing so will create a good atmosphere of communication.The more compliments the other party hears from you, the more accurately he can express his thoughts.On the contrary, if you show a negative attitude when you are obedient, it will arouse the vigilance of the other party and create a sense of distrust towards you. Rule Two: Listen with full attention.Here's what you can do: Facing the speaker, maintain close eye contact while using standard posture and gestures.Whether you're sitting or standing, keep the distance from each other that works best for both of you.Our personal experience is that we only want to associate with people who listen carefully and have a lively demeanor, and we don't want to deal with a stone mill that is turned and turned. Rule Three: Answer each other's questions with corresponding actions.The purpose of the other person talking to you is to get some kind of sensible information, or to force you to do something, or to make you change your point of view, and so on.At this time, you take appropriate action is the best way to answer the other party. Rule Four: Don't shy away from the responsibility to talk.As a listener, no matter what the situation is, if you don't understand what the other person is saying, you should use various methods to make him know it. For example, you can ask him questions, or actively express what you heard, or ask the other party to correct what you heard wrong.If you don't say anything, who will know if you understand? Rule Five: Show understanding to the other person.This includes understanding the other person's language and emotions.A staff member who said something like, "Thank goodness I finally got through with these letters!" was much more emotional than his simple "I got through with these letters." Rule Six: Observe the other person's expression.Conversations are often carried out through non-verbal means, so you should not only listen to the other party's language, but also pay attention to the other party's expressions, such as how the other party maintains eye contact with you, the tone, pitch and speed of speaking, etc. Pay attention to the distance between the other person and you when they are standing or sitting, and find out what the other person is saying. While listening to the other person, there are several areas to try to avoid: First, don't ask too many questions.Asking too many questions can easily cause confusion in the other party's thinking and make it difficult to concentrate on the conversation. Second, don't be distracted.Some people are used to thinking about facial expressions that have nothing to do with the conversation when they listen to others, but they don't actually listen to a word of the other person's words, which is not conducive to communication. Third, don't jump to conclusions.Many people like to make judgments and comments on the subject of conversation, expressing approval and disapproval.These judgments and evaluations can easily put the other party in a defensive position and cause communication obstacles. Here are 6 more satisfactory obedient attitudes: Ask timely questions. Timely nod. Bring up unclear points and confirm them. Can hear the speaker's expectations of themselves. Assist the speaker or provide additional explanations. Be patient and want to understand deeply what is being said. How can a master listener intervene in the listening process to help achieve the best listening effect? Different methods can be adopted according to different objects: First, when the other party is talking to you about something, because you are worried that you may not be interested in it, showing hesitation and embarrassment, you can take the opportunity to say a word or two of comfort. "Can you talk about that? I don't know very well." "Please continue." "I am also very interested in this." What you say at this time is to express a meaning: I am willing to listen to your narration, no matter what you say or what you say.This can eliminate the other party's hesitation and strengthen his confidence in talking. Second, when the other party cannot control their emotions in the narration due to upset, anger, etc., you can use one or two sentences to ease them. "You must be very angry." "You seem a little upset." "Are you feeling bad?" After saying these words, it is not surprising that the other party may vent, or cry or scold.Because the purpose of these words is to "induce" an abnormal emotion that is stagnant in the other party's heart. After the other party vents, he will feel relaxed and relieved, so that he can calmly complete the narration of the problem. It is worth noting that when saying these words, don't fall into the misunderstanding of blind comfort.You should not judge or evaluate other people's words, and say things such as "you are right" and "he is not like this".Your responsibility is just to adapt to the other person's emotions and set up a "transmission conduit" for him, instead of "adding fuel to the fire" to strengthen his depression. Third, when the other party is eager for you to understand what he is talking about, you can use one or two sentences to "summarize" the meaning of the other party's words. "You mean..." "Your opinion is..." "Is that what you want to say..." Such a summary can not only verify your understanding of the other party's content in a timely manner, deepen your impression of it, but also make the other party feel your sincerity, and help you correct the deviation in your understanding at any time. The above three listening methods have a common feature, that is, they do not make judgments or comments on the content of the other party's conversation, and do not express yes or no to the other party's emotions, and are always in a neutral attitude.Remember, sometimes you can show your position in non-verbal messages, but not in words, which is the most important thing.If you try to go beyond that line, you run the risk of falling into a listening trap that can take direction and meaning out of a conversation.