Chapter 9 Chapter 3 Questions: Getting the other person to talk more

Asking questions is a very common activity in social interaction.How to make the conversation develop according to the process planned by oneself, and make the social object say the answer he wants to get, a very important point depends on the level of people's questioning skills.It is also a manifestation of eloquence.An important function of asking questions is to let the other party explain their problems for themselves. In addition, asking questions also has the following functions: Every day we meet acquaintances, we will say: "Xiao Chen, where are you going?" "Old Lin, are you here?" Greetings for emotional communication.Questions are often used to communicate emotions among colleagues and good friends.For example: Your female colleague is sitting there crying. In fact, you also understand that the reason for her crying is because the husband and wife are not harmonious and are being bullied by her husband.If you sit close to her and ask questions from the beginning of the incident to the end, she will appreciate your thoughtfulness and concern.If you don't ask her what's going on, you can't comfort her if you tell me a lot of truth.

When General Feng Yuxiang led the Northwest Army, a foreign military expert in the army often asked questions to spy on military secrets.Feng Yuxiang was upset, and said to him one day: "Do you know what the Chinese word 'consultant' means?" "have no idea." "A 'consultant' looks at it; a 'asker' asks a question. A 'consultant', I look at you, and only ask you to answer when I have something to ask you." Obviously, the purpose of General Feng Yuxiang's questioning was to elicit the other party to say "I don't know", and then to tell him what he wanted to say later in order to educate him.

wrote: One night, Paul and Anna were unfortunately stopped by several robbers.One gangster cornered Paul with a pistol, and the other two brutal gangsters dragged Anna to an empty house.Afterwards, a worker, Tsveteye, who was in love with Anna, asked Paul very disturbed if Anna had been raped.Pavel was very sad, and asked back: "Do you love Anna?" Tsvetye said with difficulty: "Yes." After hearing this, Paul restrained his anger, and walked away without looking back.Here, Paul does not give a positive answer to the question raised by the other party.Paul's rhetorical question actually answered the other party's concern. This question played a role of asking instead of answering, refuting the other party's words.

There are three kinds of counterattacks and rebuttals. One is to fight back against the other party’s discourse motives to make things difficult and attack oneself; the second is to refute the other party’s character;Let me give you an example: "Xu Ruzi, a native of Nanchang, traveled with Guo Linzong in Taiyuan when he was eleven years old, and returned home with him when he was young. There was a tree in Linzong's court, and he wanted to cut it down. He said: 'The method of building a house is like a square mouth. Ominous." Yu said: "The way to build a house is like a square mouth. There are people in the mouth, so what's the difference?" Guo has no difficulty."

Guo Linzong has superstitious thoughts, thinking that having a tree in a house is like having a tree in his mouth, which becomes an unlucky word for "sleepy", so he wants to cut down the tree.Eleven-year-old Xu Zhi refuted this point of view with a single question.He said that if there can't be trees in the house, then there can't be people in the house, because having wood in the mouth becomes the word "sleepy" and someone in the mouth becomes the word "prisoner".If it is ominous to say "sleepy", then what is the difference between the word "prison"?The other party was speechless when asked.

Swallow, a migrant girl, found a job as a waiter in a restaurant, but she was fired by her boss after only one day of work.In fact, her conditions were not very bad, and she did nothing wrong, but she accidentally asked something that shouldn't be asked. That day, as soon as Yanzi went to work, three customers came into the store. She immediately took the menu and asked the customers to order.The first guest ordered sweet and sour pork, the second ordered Kung Pao chicken, and the third ordered shredded pork with Beijing sauce. However, he emphasized that beer should be poured in a cleaner glass.

Soon, the swallow brought out the dishes ordered by the three guests on a plate, walked towards the direction where they were sitting, and asked the three guests loudly: "Which one of you wants to use a cleaner dish?" The cup holds wine..." Based on Yanzi's question, the boss would of course issue an order to dismiss her unceremoniously, because her question made the boss's face very embarrassing. To ask questions properly, decently and effectively, you need to master certain questioning skills. ⑴ Adapt to the other party's age, identity, cultural literacy, personality and other characteristics.

You can ask children, "How old are you?" It is not appropriate to ask the elderly.For another example, you can ask a Chinese: "Where do you work?" "Is the income good?" "How many people are there in the family?" impolite behavior.Some of the interviewees are enthusiastic and straightforward, some are taciturn; some are quiet and serene, some are impatient and active; some are arrogant, some are modest;With different personalities and temperaments, the way of asking questions should also change accordingly: either go straight to the point, or attack in a roundabout way, or openly ask questions, or advance tentatively.Only in this way can the goal be achieved.

(2) According to the psychological characteristics of the other party. In the question-and-answer process, the person who asks the question, the content of the question, the way of asking the question, and even the act of asking the question itself will have a certain impact on the psychology of the person being asked.The questioner must ask the question according to the psychological characteristics of the person being asked, so as to achieve the purpose of the question.When asking questions, the person being asked is always in a certain state of mind. For example, when we go to visit a patient and the person is anxious about his condition, we should not ask: "Will the condition get worse?"

In addition, the person being questioned will always take a certain attitude towards the questioner's question itself, resulting in various psychological activities, such as resistance, avoidance, and speculation. Questioning is in an active position in communication activities. It determines whether the other party will say or not, what to say, and how to say it; it also determines the conversation procedure and communication atmosphere between the two parties.Therefore, questions should also have control skills. (1) Grasp the social atmosphere. The question and answer between the two, whether the atmosphere is indifferent or harmonious, has a significant impact on the effect of social interaction.The social atmosphere can be controlled by the questions asked and the manner in which they are asked.Choose the sentence pattern and serious tone of the question to make the atmosphere tense and put pressure on the person being asked.For interrogation of prisoners:

"Did you go to the accounting office last night?" "Yes." "One person or several people?" "One person." "What are you going to do?" "Steal money." "Did you steal it?" "Stealed it." From this example, it can be seen that better results have been received. Another example is a conversation between a grandmother and her little grandson when they meet after a long absence: "Have you had a good summer?" "Good." "Did you swim?" "No." "Have you met many children?" "Yeah." "Do you like ice cream?" "Yes." The atmosphere of such a conversation is dull, and both parties feel like a routine.In fact, the old grandmother just wanted to get close to her little grandson, but she didn't know how to get him to talk, so she had to ask right and wrong questions and event information one after another. There is no control over the conversation. (2) Master the process from questioning to expression. Sometimes when people ask questions, they want the other party to listen to their own expression. This is a process of transformation from asking questions to expressing themselves.Such as: On the tram, a middle-aged man gave up his seat to a woman.The woman sat down without saying a word. The middle-aged man asked: "Well, what did you say?" "I didn't say anything!" "Oh, sorry. I thought you said 'thank you'." The husband's question is to elicit his criticism of the woman later, which seems to be reserved and scheming. Another example is when Mencius criticized King Xuan of Qi for not being able to govern the country, he asked: "Suppose a person entrusts his wife, family and children to the care of a friend, and then goes to the state of Chu. When he returns, his wife and children are starving and freezing. What should we do with such a friend?" Wang replied, "Break friendship with him." Mencius said: "What if the official in charge of punishment cannot manage his subordinates?" Wang replied: "Remove him!" Mencius asked again: "If a country is doing badly, what should it do?" At this time, Wang could only look around and talk about other things. Mencius asked two questions first, and induced King Xuan of Qi to give an affirmative answer, and then proposed how to deal with the monarch who could not manage the country, so that King Xuan could not answer, and finally obeyed his own ideas. ⑴ The choice of topic is a key. A psychologist once said that if you want to make the other party willing to answer, it is better to pick what he is good at.In fact, so are the questions.For example, if a person plays badminton well, he can first ask: "I heard that you are good at badminton, isn't it?" A ball that is easy for the opponent to catch, of course he is willing to fight back, talking back and forth.Therefore, some people call asking questions "the serving of the conversation", and this metaphor is very appropriate. ⑵ skills should be adapted to reality. A young man walked into a coffee shop with chic decoration, picked up a napkin and wrapped it around his neck.The shopkeeper saw it, and said to the waiter, "Go and tell him that he made a mistake. But pay attention to the way you speak." The waiter walked over and said to the customer, "Excuse me, sir, do you want to shave or cut your hair?" The young man After hearing this, the person lowered his face.Since this question is not suitable for social occasions, no one would go to a western restaurant to shave or have a haircut. Therefore, this kind of euphemistic question may sound ironic and mocking to young people, and it cannot achieve communicative effect. ⑶ The use of skills should pay attention to the effect. A father wondered what job his son would look for after graduation.He asked: "Bao'er, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Be a pilot!" said the son. "What do you do as a driver?" "Travel the world!" The well-meaning father's heuristic questioning failed to achieve results because the direction of the question was not clear, so the son could not answer as he expected. Questions expressing the same or similar meanings and achieving the same or similar purposes have different effects when spoken in different forms.For example, asking "Do you hate him?" or "Do you like him?" is worse than asking "What's your impression of him?"To a person who seems to be over 40 years old, instead of asking "You are old this year", it is better to ask "You may be in your 30s this year"; I sent that letter" sounds more comfortable. Why is there such a difference in effect?The reason is clear.The first sentence of the question is too direct, and the second sentence is centered on the other party, which makes people feel respected.Whether the questioner is humble or not, and whether the question is in line with the listener's wishes, will directly affect the effect of the question.Everyone wants respect and understanding from others.If the interrogator does not respect and consider the other party, he will only be making trouble for himself.Below, we will illustrate this point through the analysis of two common questions. An interesting incident happened in a restaurant.Two customers came to this restaurant to eat at the same time.When ordering, a customer asked the waiter: "Is today's grouper good?"Another customer asked the waiter, "Is there any good seafood today?" The waiter also said, "Yes." This customer finally ate good seafood. Why are the experiences of these two customers different?This is to find the reason from their questioning. The two ways of asking "Is today's grouper good" and "Is there any good seafood today" will cause different psychological responses from the other party, although they have some similarities in words.The former is just asking one thing, and there are only two answers, good or bad. In order to protect the reputation of the restaurant, the waiter has to say "yes".Moreover, it is difficult to say whether a thing is good or bad.The standard is not easy to define, so if the waiter said "good", it can't be said to have deceived you, even if today's grouper is not good.In addition, what the former asked was only grouper, and it seems that except for grouper, other people don't like to eat.In order to please you, the waiter also feels that it is his responsibility to say "yes".The effect of this kind of questioning can only be that the questioner suffers. The second question is different.First of all, "Is there any good seafood today" means that there is no prejudice in mind, no matter what seafood, as long as it is good.Secondly, this way of asking also reflects that the questioner is humble and good at asking others for advice, not pretending to be smart.Again, this kind of questioning has a wide range, leaving a large room for maneuver to the other party.The waiter can say "yes", or he can say: "There is no good seafood today. But today's roast chicken is fat and tender, it is worth a try." Therefore, this question will definitely leave a good impression on the waiter.When he sees you asking him for advice, his self-esteem will be satisfied.Out of inner joy and responsibility for his work, he will of course introduce the best seafood to you.Moreover, the scope of "seafood" is very wide, as long as you compare all kinds of seafood, and introduce you to the best one of the day, and this work is also easy to handle. The way of questioning is ever-changing, and the examples given here are only for the purpose of inspiring others.To master the mysteries of the complicated questioning methods, one has to constantly figure out and explore by oneself. Questions are inevitable in daily chatting, but they are not casual.As the saying goes: go to the mountain to sing what song.Similarly, when asking questions, you should see who asked what questions. First of all, people are divided into men, women, and children. It is inappropriate to ask young people questions that should be answered by the elderly, and it is not appropriate for women to answer questions that should be asked of men. Secondly, everyone has their own independent character color.Some people are extroverted, enthusiastic and straightforward, and they can talk and laugh freely on almost any issue; .Although you can ask any questions to extroverts, you must pay attention to asking them clearly, and don't ask questions that are irrelevant, otherwise it is easy to make the conversation "go off topic"; Asking questions should be logical, and try to ask the "chain" questions, "Why did you do this?" People who are not good at words should be good at guiding. It is not advisable to ask lengthy and difficult questions at the beginning. Usually, they will ask questions from the shallower to the deeper on the topic he likes, to inspire him to speak out what is in his heart, but he must be careful not to ask him. Ask embarrassing questions. Again, the question must be at the best time.Asking questions is not like going to the street or going to the free market at any time.Some question timing is well grasped, and the effect of questioning is good.Two friends who were very close in the past have just started working. They met by chance and asked each other: "How is your unit? Is your work going well? Are you in a relationship?" It seems both natural and reasonable .However, if a girl is introduced to fall in love with a young man who has never met before, the two of them arrive at the appointment on time at the gate of the park. How much is the salary?" The ending can be imagined.Chinese people like to ask "Have you eaten?" when they meet and greet each other. It's okay if this phrase is used around meal time, but if you meet acquaintances on the bus at around three o'clock in the afternoon and ask this phrase, it will inevitably make people feel uncomfortable. It's a bit baffling. Generally speaking, when the other party is very busy or dealing with urgent matters, it is not appropriate to ask trivial and boring questions; when the other party is concentrating on enjoying the music entertainment program or sports game, it is not appropriate to ask questions that have nothing to do with the music entertainment program or sports game; When the other party is sad or frustrated, it is not advisable to ask too complicated, too blunt questions that will cause the other party's unpleasantness. In short, a key opens a lock.We should pay attention to choosing the best time, and adopt different strategies to ask questions for different objects, so that the other person can tell the whole thing deep in his mind in a relaxed and natural atmosphere. A man had a little trouble at home, but he didn't want anyone else to get involved in it.But a friend went to his house once and felt that the atmosphere was not right, so he kept asking: "What's going on? What happened to your house?" It made him very helpless. I often meet some people who like to get to the bottom of the matter, and they care "meticulously", which is unbearable!Would it bother you if someone kept asking about your life endlessly?May wish to ask like a cannonball: First, who are you listening to right now?Where do you study (work)?What was the last thing you ate?How is the weather now?Do you wear contact lenses?What did your family raise?What constellation?Siblings and their ages? Second, how many pierced ears are there?do you have tattoosDo you like your current life?Have you ever had a drink?How many people have you had a crush on?Are you afraid to confess to others because you are shy?What are the things you can't eat?What is your favorite food?What's your favorite drink?Favorite number?favorite movie?Favorite cartoon character?Favorite brand? Third, the day you miss the most?Saddest experience?Favorite day of the week?Which season do you like most, spring, summer, autumn and winter?What is your favorite flower?What is your favorite sport?Favorite type of ice cream?What are you most afraid of?If there is an afterlife? Fourth, what do you hate doing?What are you good at?What color is the bedroom rug?What career do you want to do?What floor do you live on?Where do you see yourself in ten years?Who is the person who sent you this email? Fifth, what do you mostly do when you are bored?Who is one of your friends who lives the furthest away?What is the best thing in the world?Do you currently have any male (female) friends?How do you feel about homosexuality?What is your attitude towards things you are not sure about? Sixth, what if someone misunderstands you?What if someone misunderstands you and doesn't listen to your explanation?Have you ever wondered what to do to someone you hate?Do you take it for granted that your significant other will pay for you?What time do you usually go to bed?Who is the person you most want to see now?How old do you want to get married?How are you feeling today? You understand so well, are you bothered?Are you tired? When interacting with people, don't know what you shouldn't know.If you know too much, you will cause trouble.Everyone has things that they need to keep secret, and they all have the right not to let others know certain things.Your friend is in a low mood because of something you don’t want others to know, and you sensitively guessed from his expression that he has something on his mind, so you ask him what trouble he has encountered, but the other party thinks it’s okay to tell you. Okay, I'm afraid of offending you if I don't tell you, isn't it embarrassing for him? Harrison, an American motor salesman, told an interesting story that he personally experienced: Once, he visited a new customer's company and was going to persuade them to buy a few more new motors.Unexpectedly, as soon as he stepped into the company's gate, he was hit in the head: "Harrison, you're selling your junk again! Stop dreaming, we'll never buy your shit again!" said the chief engineer angrily. According to Harrison's understanding, the thing turned out to be like this: the chief engineer went to the workshop yesterday for inspection, touched the motor that Harrison had sold to them not long ago, and felt very hot, so he concluded that the quality of the motor that Harrison sold was too poor, so If you refuse Harrison's visit today, there will be no way to sell! Harrison thought about it calmly, and thought that if he debated the quality of the motor head-on with the other party, it would definitely not help the matter.He adopted another tactic, and the following conversation took place: "Well, Mr. Spence! I totally agree with your position that if the motor overheats, you have to return the one you already bought, let alone buy a new one, don't you?" "yes." "Of course, any motor will have a certain degree of heat when it is working, but the heat should not exceed the standards stipulated by the National Electrotechnical Association, do you think so?" "yes." "According to national technical standards, the temperature of the motor can be 42°C higher than the indoor temperature, isn't that true?" "Yes. But your motor is much hotter than that. Well, I almost burned my hand yesterday!" "Just a moment, please. What's the temperature in your workshop?" "About 24°." "Excellent! The workshop is 24°C, plus the expected 42°C temperature increase, the total is about 66°C. Excuse me, if you put your hand in 66°C water, will you get burned?" "That—is entirely possible." "Then, please don't touch the motor in the future. However, you can rest assured that there is absolutely no problem with the quality of our products." As a result, Harrison made another deal. Harrison's success, in addition to the fact that the quality of his motor is really good, he also took advantage of subtle changes in people's psychology. When a person is speaking, if he utters a series of "yes" at the beginning, it will make the whole body and mind tend to be positive.At this time, the whole body is in a relaxed state, which can easily create a harmonious conversation atmosphere, and it is also easy to abandon one's original prejudices and agree with the other party's opinions. Using the method of letting the other party say "yes", there are a few points that should draw our attention: For example, a conversation between a salesman and a customer: "It's still as hot as yesterday, isn't it?" "yes!" "Recent inflation, law and order chaos, is it?" "yes!" "It's so bad now, it's really hard to know what to do!" Although this type of question is normal, no matter what the salesman says, the other party will answer "yes", which seems to have created an affirmative atmosphere, but pay attention to the content of his speech, but it creates a negative and pessimistic atmosphere that makes people unintentional to buy. atmosphere. In other words, after hearing his inquiry, the customer will become depressed, and of course he doesn't want to buy anything. Therefore, when selling products, you should not ask customers if they like it or want to buy it.Because when you ask him "Do you want to buy it" and "Do you like it", he may answer "No".Therefore, it should be asked: "You must like it, don't you?" When you ask a question and the other party has not answered, you should also nod first. You nod while asking, which can induce the other party to give an affirmative answer. The same question, worded slightly differently, has very different effects, for example, saying "Where is the mailbox?" and "Where is the mailbox?" have different answers.Because you ask the question differently, it sounds different. Cynthia, an American movie star known for her well-dressed clothes?Gibb, when he attended a party one time, he wore a red overcoat, which is "pretty red" in one adjective.The next day, many relatives, friends and reporters came to ask about the red coat, and the ways of asking were as follows. "Miss Gibb, what color coat did you wear yesterday?" (freestyle) "Ms. Gibb, you wore a coat yesterday, was it red, or some other color?" (semi-free style) "Is it red?" (affirmative) "Isn't it red?" (Negative) "Is it red or white?" (choice) "Is it dark red or light red?" (compulsive) Gibb later told people that she was most unhappy when she heard "negative" questions, and she was not happy about the forced ones.She laughed and said, "Why don't they ask me whether the coat is light green or dark green? Then, I will answer it is red without hesitation." Negative ways often make the meaning of the question ambiguous, such as: "Did you get drunk last night so you didn't come home?" On the bus, a female student asked her classmate Xiao Zhao: "Do you think there are no good movies this holiday?" Xiao Zhao couldn't get used to the other party's conversation, because Xiao Zhao couldn't think of how to answer her for a while, should he answer "yes" or "not counting"?It's because her questions are incomprehensible. Smart people like indirection, but most of them abuse it, so it is sometimes self-defeating.The indirect method is suitable for all matters that may directly make the other party feel sad and cause some damage. There is such an example: There is a retired cadre in a certain place who is ninety-nine years old and has received retirement wages for decades, and his grandson goes to the relevant parties to receive them every time.There was a new person in the financial department. He saw that the birth date of the salaryman was written in 1907 on the roster. After calculation, he was almost a hundred years old. He thought it might be his children and grandchildren who deliberately concealed the death of the salaryman. , so as to falsely claim retirement wages. He could have asked: "Hey, comrade, is this old gentleman dead?" But instead of asking, he used the "indirect method": "The old gentleman was born in 1907, how old is he this year?" Obedient Of course, the person knew what the other party meant, so he replied: "This year is ninety-nine, and he is still alive in TOEFL." The other party's doubts were cleared, and he said apologetically, "Really? Congratulations on having such a long-lived grandfather. "So both parties bid farewell with satisfaction. If you want to know the age of others, asking directly will often not get good results, especially asking how old a woman is this year, it will be regarded as an insult by the other party.Ippei Hara, who was selected as Japan's No. 1 insurance salesman, used the following methods to ask people's ages. He first asked the other party: "How old do you think I am this year?" The other party said: "Thirty-four or five years old?" Is it forty-two three?" (deliberately assuming that the other party is younger) "Where, I am forty-eight years old this year." First use a method to show respect to the other party, which is the classic of the indirect method.For example, if you see a woman with a big belly, instead of asking her, "Are you pregnant?", you should say, "Congratulations!" The following are examples of closed and open question types: Example 1: Quite threatening and uncomfortable "Where were you last Wednesday?" "Did you mention that to XX?" Example 2: For the other party to choose at will "Is your major a liberal arts or a science?" "After graduation, do you go to a government agency or an industrial and mining enterprise? Or do you choose to stay in school?" Example 3: Let the other party further clarify their attitude "You want to do the matter of ××, have you decided? Are there any difficulties?" "You said that the task entrusted to you by the leader is very difficult to handle. Do you have the courage to undertake it now?" Example 4: Urging the other party to take a stand "A member of the Communist Party must unconditionally obey the needs of the revolution, don't you think so?" "If you learn Liu Xiang's fighting spirit, you can overcome difficulties, right?" "He has always performed well, should he be praised?" Example 5: Referential questions, using the opinions of a third party to convince the opponent "Lao Li thinks that measures should be taken to complete this matter, what do you think?" "The manager said to increase the turnover by 10% this year, what do you think?" Example 1: Let everyone speak freely "How do you feel about your current job performance?" "Do you think we should carry out the task we undertake?" "What are your considerations for next year's work plan?" Example 2: Soliciting opinions "The manager of the company said that he needs to send someone to negotiate business. Would you like to go?" "The factory wants to carry out a technological innovation. You have the foundation and experience in this area. Would you like to participate?" "Our school lacks teachers for emerging disciplines, and we need to open recruitment. Are you willing to apply for the exam?" Example 3: Probing Questions Can Show Interest and Emphasis "You talked about encountering many difficulties at work, can you tell me the main ones?" "You said just now that you are not suitable for this job. Can you further explain why?" "You said that Xiao Zhang is talented and can be promoted and reused. Can you talk about the reason further?" Example 4: Encourage the other party to talk about new ideas "It's approaching the end of the year, can you talk about your evaluation of this year's work?" "You have published many academic papers in newspapers and periodicals. What are your tips for academic research?" "Next year's prices may still rise, what are your views and opinions?"