Chapter 9 Don't repay your kindness

The ancient sages said: "An angry person will be filled with resentment." Recently, I met a businessman in Texas who was angry about something.I was told that if I had known him for less than a quarter of an hour, he would have told me exactly what happened.Sure enough, the incident that made him angry had happened 11 months ago, but he was still too angry to keep talking about it.That incident was like this: he gave 34 employees a total of 10,000 yuan in year-end bonuses, but no one was grateful to him.He complained sadly: "I really regret it, I should not give them a penny."

The man's heart was full of resentment.The businessman was about 60 years old and probably had fourteen or five years to live, but he wasted almost a year complaining about what had happened long ago.What a pity! To be honest, I sympathize with this businessman. In fact, he should not always be in resentment and self-pity. He should ask himself, why no one appreciates him?Maybe the employees think that the year-end bonus is not a gift, but they earn it by their labor; maybe he usually pays the employees too low salary, but assigns them too much work; The year-end bonus is because most of the income has to be used to pay taxes; maybe he is usually too picky and harsh on people, so no one dares or wants to thank him.

Of course, on the other hand, those employees may be mean, selfish, and rude.Maybe this, maybe that, these are our guesses.I don't know the truth of the matter as much as you do, but Dr. Samuel Johnson once said, "Appreciation for the favors of others is the result of a good education, which is hard to find in the average person." What I want to say here is that a person who wants others to appreciate his kindness is committing the common fault of ordinary people.It can be said that he has no understanding of human nature at all.The question is, if you save someone's life, do you want him to appreciate you?maybe.Before becoming a judge, Ribovitz was a well-known criminal lawyer who saved the lives of 78 people from being executed in the electric chair.How many of these people do you think are grateful to Liebowitz?Guess how many there are?Honestly, not a single one!Jesus once healed 10 lepers in one afternoon, but how many of these people thanked him?only one.When Jesus turned around and asked his disciples "where are the nine people", he found that the nine people left without saying "thank you".

Also, if you give a relative $1 million, do you want him to appreciate you?Andrew Carnegie did just that.But if Andrew Carnegie were to rise from the grave, he would be surprised to find his relative cursing him.why?Because Carnegie donated $365 million to public charities—which made his relative blame him for "giving a measly $1 million." Charles once told me that he once rescued a bank teller who was embezzling.That person invested in stocks with public funds, and Shu Wenbo saved that person with his own money so that he would not be punished.Did the teller thank him in the end?Of course, he did thank for a while, but he quickly turned to insulting and criticizing the man who had saved him from jail - Charles.

Here is a question to ask: Why does each of us want to be thanked more than Jesus after doing a little favor to others? In fact, people are people after all, and human nature will not change.There will probably not be any changes in his lifetime. Since he has done favors to others, he should not expect to be rewarded. That is impossible.Believe it or not, that's how it works.So, why don't we accept this fact?The wise Marcus Oreos, who ruled the ancient Roman Empire, recognized this reality when he wrote in his diary: "Today I am going to meet those talkative people - those selfish self-centered, ungrateful people. But I'm neither surprised nor sad because I can't imagine a world without them."

This sentence makes sense!If a person is always blaming others for not appreciating themselves, then who are you to blame?Is it because of human nature, or is it because we don’t understand human nature?In fact, when we show kindness, if we get gratitude from others by chance, it is a kind of unexpected joy; if we don't get this kind of gratitude, we don't have to feel sad about it. I knew a woman in New York who complained constantly about being alone, and that none of her relatives wanted to be close to her.This is really strange, why no relatives are willing to get close to her?The reason is simple, mostly because, when people visit her, she goes on and on about how good she is to her nieces, how she took care of them when they had measles, mumps and whooping cough; She boarded and housed them, helped put one through business school, and lived with the other until they were married.

The woman had no need to complain; her niece had come to see her as a duty.But afterward they were afraid to come to see her, because they knew they would have to sit there for hours listening to her insinuations, her endless whining and self-pitying sighs.And, when the woman could no longer coerce her niece into coming to see her, she resorted to another "magic weapon" - a heart attack. Of course, she didn't really have a heart attack.Yes, the doctor said that she had a "very nervous heart" and this happened.But the doctors also said there was nothing they could do for her because her problems were purely emotional.What this woman really needs is love and attention, but she calls it a "gratitude chart."Suffice it to say, if she demands it, and thinks it is what she deserves, she will never get gratitude and love.

There are many people like her in the world.They were all sick from the ingratitude, loneliness, and neglect of others.They want someone to love them, but the only way we can get love in this world is to stop begging and start giving right away without expecting anything in return. This sounds ridiculous, unrealistic, and idealistic.But it's true, it's common sense, and it's the best way to make you and me happy. Of course, situations like the above examples can be found everywhere.For millennia, parents have grieved over the ungratefulness of their children.Even Shakespeare's King Lear exclaimed, "An ungrateful child is sharper than the serpent's tooth."

But have you ever wondered why your child should be grateful?Forget that kindness is human nature, like weeds; but gratitude is like a rose, which must be fertilized and watered, nurtured, loved and cared for.If you want to be appreciated by children, then we have to teach them to be that way. It can be said that if our children are ungrateful, who is to blame?Maybe it's ourselves to blame.How can we expect them to appreciate us if we never teach them how to appreciate others? I know a man who lives in Chicago and often complains that his two adopted sons are ungrateful to him.His complaints are certainly justified.He worked in a carton factory and was married to a widow who asked him to borrow money to put her two sons through college.He was paid just $40 a week, but had to buy food, pay rent, buy fuel, buy clothes, and pay off debts.He worked so hard for 4 years and never complained.

Does anyone thank him?No, his wife and his two precious adopted sons took it for granted.The two adopted sons never thought they owed their adoptive father anything, so they never said a word of thanks. Who can blame the two adopted sons for not being grateful?Is it to blame these two children?Of course, the two children can be blamed, but the mother should be blamed even more, she thinks that her son should not add "guilt".She didn't want her two sons to "owe others something in the first place", so she never told them "your adoptive father is such a good man, he helped you through college".The attitude she takes is just "this is what he should do."

The mother thought she was doing this to the benefit of her two sons, but in reality it was giving them a very dangerous idea early in life that the world owed them. We must remember that the behavior of children is entirely caused by their parents.It never occurred to my aunt Viola that the children would be "ungrateful" to her.When I was a child, Aunt Viola took her mother into the home to look after, as well as her mother-in-law.Now I close my eyes and I can recall those two old ladies sitting in front of the fire in Aunt Viola's house.Will they cause Aunt Viola any trouble?It is conceivable that there must be often.But you couldn't tell from her manner that she loved these two old ladies, obeyed them, and made them as comfortable as possible.Of course, it never occurred to her that there was anything special about doing so, or that there was anything admirable about bringing two old ladies to live at home.For her, it was the right thing to do, it came naturally, and it was something she wanted to do.At that time, in addition to taking care of the two elderly people, Aunt Viola had 6 children. Where, then, was Aunt Viola now?She has been a widow for more than 20 years, and has six grown children who have their own small family. All 6 children are vying to live with her and let her live in their house.Her children admire her so much that they don't want to leave her. Is it because of "gratitude"?No, this is love, pure love.In their childhood, these children understood the warmth of love. Now the situation is reversed, and they can also give love. What is there to be surprised about? Therefore, we must remember that in order to educate children who are grateful, we must first know how to be grateful.Everything we say and do is very important.In front of children, never slander other people's goodwill, and never say: "Look at the Christmas presents from my cousin, she made them herself, and she can't bear to spend even a dime!" It was a small thing, but the children listened to it.So it's better to say something like, "My cousin must have spent a lot of time preparing this Christmas present! She's so sweet! We'll have to write to thank her." In this way, our children will inadvertently develop a sense of appreciation and gratitude. got used to. So, the only way to find happiness is to: Don't expect others to be grateful, and enjoy the joy of giving in the process of giving!