Chapter 39 No Winners in Quarter Five Controversy

If you debate, contend, oppose, you may sometimes win; but such victories are hollow, because you will never get the other side's favor. A person who is determined to succeed cannot waste time on personal prejudices, let alone bear the consequences, including his inability to control his temper and loss of self-control. I learned an invaluable lesson one night in London not long after the Second World War ended.I was Sir Smith's personal assistant at the time.During the war he had been Austrian aviation leader in Palestine, and shortly after declaring peace he caused a world sensation by circumnavigating the globe halfway in thirty days, as no one had ever done before.This incident was a sensation, the Austrian government awarded him 50,000 shillings, and the King of England knighted him.At this point he was the most talked about man under the Union Jack.One evening when I was at a dinner in honor of Sir Ross, a man sitting next to me told a humorous story which had something to do with this saying: "However vulgar we may be, there is a God, That's our purpose."

The storyteller mentioned that this line comes from the Bible.He's wrong, I know, I do know, absolutely sure.So, in order to gain a sense of self-respect and show my superiority, I consigned myself to correcting him as an unsolicited, unwelcome person.He stood his ground: "What? From Shakespeare? Impossible! Unreasonable! That line is from the Bible!" The storyteller sat on my right, and an old friend of mine, Gamon, sat on my left.Mr. Gammon has devoted himself to the study of Shakespeare for many years, so we agree that Mr. Gammon should answer this question.Mr. Gammon listened, touched me with his foot under the table, and said, "You're wrong, Dale. This gentleman is right. It's from the Bible."

When I got home that night, I said to Mr. Gammon, "Honestly, you know that line comes from Shakespeare." "Yes, of course," he answered, "in Hamlet, Act V, Scene II. But I'm a guest at a great party, why prove a man wrong? Does that make him like you? Why? Don't let him save face? He didn't ask for your opinion, and he doesn't want your opinion. So why do you argue with him? Avoid direct confrontation forever." "Always avoid direct confrontation." The man who said it is now dead, but the lesson he taught me lives on in my memory, and it is extremely important because I have always been a stubborn debater .When I was young, I used to argue with my brother about everything in the world.When I was in college, I studied logic and forensics, and participated in debate competitions.Later I taught debate in New York.I am ashamed to admit that I once planned to write a book on debates, and since then I have listened to, criticized, and engaged in thousands of debates, noting their impact.From these results, I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under heaven to get the best interest out of debate, and that is to avoid it.

9 times out of 10, at the end of an argument, everyone arguing is more convinced than before that he was absolutely right, and you can't win an argument.You can't, because if you lose the argument, of course you lose; if you win, you still lose.Why?Suppose you outwit the opponent, blow his reasoning to the brim, and prove that he is insane, so what?You feel fine, but what about him?You make him feel vulnerable, you hurt his self-esteem, and he opposes your victory. There is such an example.A few years ago, among my students was an Irishman named O. Henry.He had little education, but always liked to argue.He had driven other people's cars and done car sales, but he didn't do well, so he came to me for advice.After a brief conversation, I knew that he was always used to arguing with customers, and if the other party said something was wrong with his car, he would immediately quarrel with customers impatiently.He won many such arguments, but he didn't sell many of his cars.Later, he told me, "When I leave their office, I always say, 'I've cured that donkey this time'. I did cure him once, but he didn't buy anything from me."

So I understood that the most important thing is not to let O. Henry learn how to speak, but to teach him to learn restraint and not quarrel with others. Now, O. Henry has become the sales star of White Motor Company in New York. How did he go to success?Listen to him: "If I were to sell to a client right now and he said 'What? White's car? No! I don't want any money. I want a Hosea car'. I would say 'Hey He Xi’s products are really good, and you can’t go wrong buying their products. He Xi’s cars are all produced by famous manufacturers, and the salesmen are also great’. Therefore, he has nothing to say on this point, because I agreed with his point of view, so I didn't need to talk about He Xi anymore. So, I began to explain the benefits of White Company.

"However, if I had heard him say that back then, I would have been angry. I would have started talking about the faults of He Xi's company. As a result, the more I picked on He Xi's faults, the more he said it was good. The more Arguing, the more he likes my competitor's stuff. "When I think about that time, I really don't know how I did my sales. In the past, I spent so much time on arguing, but now I know how to control myself and get results." Wise old Franklin used to say, "If you debate, contend, oppose, you may win sometimes; but such victories are hollow, because you'll never get the other side's favor." So make up your own mind.what would you rather have?Is it a temporary, verbal, show-like victory, or is it one's long-term affection?You can rarely have both.

You may be right, absolutely right, when you are having an argument, but you will probably gain nothing in changing the other person's mind, any more than you will be wrong. Misunderstandings can never be stopped with debates, it is necessary to use means, diplomacy, and reconciliation to make the other party feel the desire to sympathize. An article in the book "Drips" advises dissidents to avoid arguments in this way. There's a saying that says, "People don't need a partner who always agrees." If someone brings up something you didn't expect, thank you from the bottom of your heart.Different opinions can save you from making big mistakes.

When someone disagrees, your first natural reaction is to protect yourself.You need to be cautious, calm, and pay attention to your gut reaction, because this may be a particularly bad thing about you. Remember, the circumstances under which a person loses his temper can determine the person's temperament and actions. Give those who disagree with the opportunity to express themselves.Don't interrupt him, let him express his meaning fully.Listen attentively to increase communication and understanding. After you've listened to someone who disagrees, first look for places where you agree or are close to him.

When you find your mistakes, you must have the courage to admit to the other party and apologize for it.This helps to communicate and lessen the hostility of the other party. Sincerely admit that he may be right to disagree.Therefore, it is wiser to promise to take their views into account.Don't wait for the other person to say "I told you, but you didn't listen" to embarrass you. Because they care about the same thing, they have different opinions.See them as people who can help you, maybe they will become your friends. Pause appropriately to think things through more carefully before holding a meeting.During your preparation, ask yourself: "Could they be right, or partly right? Is their position or reasoning justified? Is my reaction based on the objective problem itself or my own subjective feelings?" Will the other party disagree with me more or less? Will my reaction make others think of me better? Will I win or lose? If I win, what will it cost me? What is the price? If I remain silent, will the differences cease to exist? Is this problem my chance?"