Chapter 28 Chapter Twenty Seven

Since I stopped contacting Chen Yang, I also studied TOEFL and GRE, and also applied for the TOEFL test in July and the GRE test in August.I plan to go to her again after the results come out, and submit the application together with her, and I will go wherever she goes. During this period of time, I started to work very hard in my studies, unlike my freshman and sophomore year.I don't want to be inferior to her after my grades come out, but I can't apply for the school she went to, and I don't allow myself to make the mistakes I made in the college entrance examination again. The GRE test has encountered new questions.But I still did well.TOEFL 111, GRE325.I think I can finally find her and tell her that I can accompany her to any school she wants and that I will be with her wherever she goes.

There has been no contact for nine months.No, she unilaterally did not contact me.And I watch her on campus, her Douban, and her Weibo every day.I look at her pictures every day, to find memories about her.Watching her every day has become a part of my day, and she has been as much a part of my life as ever. It's already a senior year when school starts again at the end of August. When I first entered the freshman year, I felt that I was just a newcomer, four years is still a long time, I can do what I want to do, and have fun.But when I was in my senior year, I realized that four years was actually very short, and it passed with a flick of my fingers.

Thinking that I would soon leave the place where I spent time with her, and that the place that carried my memories would soon no longer belong to me, I was suddenly extremely panicked, and a million times a million times I was reluctant to part with it.I was really afraid that after graduation, I would be separated from her and go my separate ways.In this way, even if she really forgives me, she can't be contacted, and I have no way of knowing. Although I haven't contacted her for more than nine months, I still dare not contact her directly.I'm afraid it's the same result as last time.After much deliberation, I can only quietly call her roommate to inquire about her current situation.

Her roommate said: "Chen Yang went to practice recently, and he may not go back to school during this time." I didn't realize it when I heard it: "What internship?" Her roommate said: "It's an internship at Longteng Company. Last time Longteng Company came to our school to recruit, didn't you know?" In the past six months, I have been busy preparing for TOEFL and GRE. I have never planned to find a job at all. Why did I care about campus recruitment?I was at a loss: "No, I don't know. Didn't she take the TOEFL test and plan to go abroad to study in graduate school?"

Her roommate said: "She gave up half a year ago. She said she couldn't study with peace of mind, and her grades were average, so she didn't want to study anymore. Her parents were worried that she would go so far alone. She was the only baby in her family. Daughter, it's been three or four years since she went abroad, maybe she won't come back..." Hearing this, my heart was half cold.After that, her roommate also said something, but I didn't catch a word.My mind has already flown away with her.I interrupted her roommate and asked, "What about Fan Junshan?"

Her roommate asked back: "Who is Fan Junshan? Is it her boyfriend?" I was stunned, and it took me a long time to react. I said "I see, thank you" and hung up the phone. Suddenly, I felt particularly ridiculous.When I graduated from primary school, I wanted to go to the same school as her, but my father beat me violently; I secretly changed my choice during the middle school entrance examination, and my parents were so angry that my parents didn’t give me pocket money for half a year; In the past, my parents almost broke my leg because of their relationship everywhere; now, I study desperately, I got 111 in TOEFL and 325 in GRE, but I heard the news that she gave up studying abroad.

At that moment, I felt that I was a fool, a Yang Bailao.I tried hard to be with her, but instead of being together, I got farther and farther away from her.The absurd things I did were like shackles on me, and I couldn't break free. I could only watch her leave me. The more times you are sad, the more often you become numb, and even forget why you were sad in the first place.I just habitually bound myself in the circle of sadness, subtly making sadness a part of life. I drank a few bottles of wine pretending to be deep, and went back to the dormitory. I lay on the bed and smoked one after another. I don’t know how many cigarettes I smoked.I didn't sleep last night. I thought I could see Chen Yang today, so I was so excited that I couldn't sleep.

I smoked and thought wildly.As I smoked and smoked, sleepiness gradually came up, and I closed my eyes before I knew it.It's very strange, although I have always been loyal to Chen Yang, but I haven't dreamed about her.I think my brain may have been fooled by me and started to automatically block information related to Chen Yang. I was woken up by the boss splashing a basin of water.Annoyed, I grabbed the towel and wiped my face, and shouted, "What are you doing?" The boss said, "You almost burned the dormitory down, you know that?" When I turned my head and saw a hole in the bed sheet, I let out an "oh", turned around weakly and continued to lie down.I heard the chirping laughter of my roommates, and suddenly remembered that I saw the boss with his trousers rolled up and holding a big red basin in one hand, which seemed to be his footbath.

I asked, "You poured water to wash your feet?" A group of people laughed wildly, and the boss also laughed, looking embarrassed. I rushed to the bathroom and started showering like crazy.People are like this, when they are unlucky, they can even drink cold water and get stuck in their teeth.After washing, I directly pulled the boss up from his bed: "I'll sleep on your bed tonight." The boss didn't argue with me, but got up and sat aside to watch cartoons.He actually watched "Teletubbies", laughing like an idiot while watching. I was getting more and more annoyed, so I said, "Can you stop laughing?"

The boss said, "You can laugh with me." "Oh!" I really don't want to talk to him. After a while, the boss turned off "Teletubbies", pulled a stool and sat in front of me, handed me a cigarette, and lit one himself. I told the matter to the boss, and the boss seemed very calm, saying that he just passed by and heard what I said. I asked the boss: "Do you think I'm just stupid?" The boss didn't deny it: "Yes." "Fuck!" I couldn't help being rude again. The boss suddenly asked me a particularly vulgar question: "If you were given a chance to choose again, would you still do this?"

I shook my head: "No." The boss looked at me in surprise, paused for a while and said, "Well, it's better to be passionate than ruthless. This is the best way." Realizing that he would make a mistake, I smiled wryly, and continued: "If you give me a chance to start over, I won't be struggling here. When I was in the first grade of elementary school, I would grab her My little braid told her that you are mine from now on. When she said she liked Liang Bo in junior high, would I say no to her viciously because he looks like me? Genuine is the guarantee of quality, of course you have to If you choose to pirate, I will do whatever it takes to break you apart. Or I will bravely tell her when she asked me if I want to be with Zhao Qianqian in high school, I will not fall in love with anyone unless that person is you. Or I will give Huang Feng a hard hug when she wants to be with Huang Feng in college..." Or or again or... again or again or... There are too many opportunities in front of me, but I miss them again and again. When I got home on Saturday, I was sitting with my family while having dinner, and I said to my parents very seriously: "Dad! Mom! I don't plan to go abroad anymore. I want to find a job, or go to graduate school. I don't want to leave here. .” Maybe my parents are used to me being a jerk so many times growing up.This time they didn't get angry, but kept silent and didn't express any opinions. The more silent I am, the more uncertain I feel.Although I know I will do it whether they object or not.But now I am particularly afraid of the atmosphere of silence, like blocking communication and resisting with silence. I carefully watched the situation of my parents.My father kept a cold face and only cared about eating.My mother winked at me and shook her head to signal me to stop talking. Fortunately, my dad finished the meal quickly and had the opportunity to break the silence.As soon as the bowl was empty, I immediately got up to fill the bowl with rice and put it in front of him.My dad stopped after taking two bites of the meal, put the chopsticks on the bowl, and without looking at me, said, "It's up to you." After speaking, he went back to the bedroom with his hands behind his back. My mother quickly agreed: "Well, I think it's good to stay with us and develop." "Thank you." I said. These two words are as heavy as a mountain to me. Before I knew it, my parents were both old, with gray temples and wrinkles on their faces.They broke their hearts for me, but because I have grown up, it is not good to restrict me, I can only make my temper.When I think of this, I feel that I have really failed them. They will never repay their kindness to me in my life. I began to submit resumes online every day, looking for internships. A letter of resume will go nowhere, or a direct reply saying that it is not suitable.In sharp contrast to this are my classmates who have been admitted to 211 and 985 schools. From time to time, they show off in the class that they have found good jobs in state-owned enterprises, state-owned enterprises, and global top 100 companies.I envy, envy and hate, and feel helpless.Only then did I realize how unpopular an ordinary first-year student is in this city full of 985 schools.Even though the ground is full of gold, sand is still sand, and rare things are not valuable. In the end, I went to a small foreign company.Although the company is a foreign company, the boss is Chinese, and there are many common problems of Chinese bosses.Interns are called around every day, yelling and drinking, and they are not paid overtime. My classmates couldn't understand why I went to a bad company with TOEFL 111 and GRE325 scores.In fact, I can't understand it, and most of the time I can't understand myself.I think it may be that although the wages are low and there are many jobs here, it can keep me really busy, so that I can stop thinking about Chen Yang. At this time, I have not contacted her for almost a year.With a meager salary, I was as busy as a blindfolded donkey every day.Only when I was lying in bed in the middle of the night, would I take a mobile phone and secretly read her Weibo and Douban to see who she went out with, what she ate, and how she was feeling.She seems to be very happy all the time, and all her posts are positive and sunny.She seems to have really forgotten me, and I think I may have really faded out of her life. I remember that every day when she went online, she would @我 on Renren and Weibo, sharing interesting things with me.If she sees something delicious, she will ask me to make it for her; when she sees some common sense in life, she will throw it to me, saying that she can use it in the future; I said: "Would you like to go there to play sometime?" I once sarcastically said to her, "For someone as clingy as you and unable to take care of yourself, I am the only one who is willing to spoil you. You can die without me. Meeting me is really a blessing in your previous life." At that time, she looked at me with contempt: "Bah, but haven't you learned Darwin's theory of evolution? Humans will evolve to adapt to the environment!" What was said then has now come true.Now it seems that she has indeed evolved.I overestimated how important I was to her, and she was just as good, if not better, without me by my side.Instead, it was me, without her by my side, as if all the happiness was taken away by someone. I wonder if she secretly took some part of me when she left?Otherwise why do I feel incomplete all the time? I feel that I am different from before, but I can't tell exactly what is different.I still lived in the school dormitory as before, went to the company for an internship after breakfast, went back to the dormitory to sleep at night, and went home on Saturdays and Sundays to have dinner with my parents.If my parents are not at home, I will hang out in the dormitory with those buddies who don't have a unit. Occasionally, I would go downstairs to the company where she works, and to the downstairs of her residents to see if I can see her, but more often I followed her every move on the Internet as before. She wrote on Weibo that all the colleagues in the company are very kind to her, and the leaders also like her very much. She has a good impression of the company and can become a full-time employee after graduation.Recently, her dog has always been mentally ill, barking in circles in the living room. She thinks it wants to fall in love, and she plans to take it on a blind date.She went to drink coffee with her friends, and was picked up by a handsome guy. She told the handsome guy that she already had a girlfriend, the one next to her... all kinds of things, either ordinary or novel.It's as if she told me personally, she never faded out of my life. When I see her happy, I usually follow her happy, and then I feel disappointed for a while.I think it is because of her happiness, I have never participated in it, because her happiness does not belong to me.