Chapter 11 Article Eleven

146 Another letter reads:- Zhou Wen: Hello! In my present situation it is very difficult to write to you.It doesn't mean that I don't have time, on the contrary, I have a lot of time to spare, but if you are me, you will understand that if you live in the fleeting crowd all day, and you lack for them Curiosity, then you are not interested in talking about them. Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, you will think about them and find something in human nature. Not to brag, I've now sort of learned how to get along with people.I got to know a lot of people, but quickly forgot about them because they were all similar to each other, and the more places I went and the more people I knew, the more I felt that.

Two days ago, I was blasted into the street by the old man who sold breakfast because I gave three small buns to a disabled child. The old man was my boss. He told me that the child had been relying on his broken legs Lied money, said I threw his money into the water for nothing, I was so angry, rolled up my bed and went to the street, and started to hate everything, the boss, the customer, even the disabled child, because I don't know who would Ask me to go to work.Suddenly asked, I lost interest in everything, I asked myself, why did you come out?what are you looking forEveryone has their own life, their own destiny, what does that have to do with you?What are you doing?Just looking?At this time, I wondered if I was wrong when I came out. This is also a question I often ask myself when I am unlucky.

Don't ask me where I am, our dead band, our happy life, the things we used to talk about innocently, these things are so far away from me now, and I don't want to touch them again anyway. Don't blame me for not telling you my anecdote because one day we will meet and we won't sleep for a minute for a year talking about our respective lives and I'll pour it all over to you , listen to it or not, now, they are too close to me to be annoying to write. 147 Attached is a strange text written by him. After leaving the prison, he went into the wilderness, where there was no human trace.He has become a completely free man.This freedom is so great that he has no way to accept it, but it makes him feel strange.He felt himself like a pile of foam, dissolving in water and gradually disintegrating, so that he could not recognize himself.The wilderness gave him freedom, but at the same time took away everything from him, and gave him nothingness, and he became a lonely person.At first, he didn't care, because he thought that all human beings are alone.

He walked up a hill and looked at the human beings from a distance. Then, he gradually approached the human beings, watched them, and watched the glass prison. The prison was growing day by day, spreading around, and he saw people inside. Accept all kinds of suffering and punishment.He wondered that there were no guards in this prison, but people would rather huddle together like bees than leave, and he heard the weeping and laughter and whispering of human beings, The voices rolled toward him, blinding his eyes, and only then did he realize his stupidity. When he returned to the prison, he was immediately beaten to a bloody mess, but he didn't care, he endured it until the painful feeling fermented into bits and pieces of joy.Because he finally saw his sin, he accepted the punishment, his joy in being freed from his suffering again, but also, he thought, comforted in his loneliness.

But he was also tired. Finally, he walked out of the prison for the second time. This time, it was not because of dreams, passion or freedom, but because of the boredom that penetrated into the bone marrow. This time, he understood the horror of loneliness. Beside him, turned into rock, his life disintegrated by the emptiness inside, he closed his eyes, endured the bite of time, he stopped thinking, and before long, he was wind-eroded to dust, swallowed by the prison of growth in the stomach. 151 Let's talk about ideals. Let's start with me. When I was in the first grade of elementary school at the age of 7, I sincerely described my ideal in an essay entitled "My Ideal": to be a soldier of the People's Liberation Army.It's strange why I didn't think of being a PLA cadre at the time. Obviously, cadres have more privileges than soldiers.

My ideal in junior high school was to be a master fighter, so that everyone who dared to look at me on the street would be frightened and run away. My ideal in high school was to be a good husband or a poet, and I mustered up the courage to say it. My dream in college is to be an employee of a foreign company. Alai's ideal when he was a teenager was to be Madame Curie, but unfortunately she did not work hard even though she was good at studies. When I was in college, my ideal was to grow old with me. You can see it below, but she changed her mind later. Hua Yang's ideals when he was young is painful to say. The teacher called up his classmates one by one in a class. He didn't realize his ideal until the fifth grade.

When he was in college, he wanted to be a sound engineer and listen to good tapes every day. Lu Ran's childhood dream was to be a sailor. My dream in college was to be a writer. When Liu Xin was in primary school, his ideal was to be a farmer. He thought it would be exciting to fight against landlords. When he went to college, his ideal was different. He wanted to be a woman. He believed that women can get something for nothing, and as long as they do a good job of contraception in their life, they will be successful. All these ideals in 1995 turned into wanting to be rich. This is the ideal course for people born in 68.

Unfortunately, none of these ideals have been realized. 152 The summer of 1990 came with a torrential rain. After the rainstorm, there was a long period of sunny days, followed by a heat wave. The temperature rose by two degrees Celsius every day. There were a few escorts in the karaoke bar I was in. They are quite pretty, but I can only pretend to turn a blind eye to their passersby, (they are not interested in us either,) every night after returning home, I put the piano case behind the door, plunge into the kitchen, open the refrigerator door, Take out the can of beer and sit next to the refrigerator to drink, and the refrigerator door is not closed, so that the cold air inside floats on the skin.After drinking a bottle, my beating heart calmed down a bit, and then I went to the bathroom to take a cold shower, and when I came out, I felt that I was still alive in the world.

Alai still lives with me every day. Two months ago, she started to grow her hair again, and now her hair is half-length and hangs behind her head, and she can only comb a one-inch-long dog's tail with all her strength.Her long hair often gets on my comb, and I have to use my hands to smooth it out before school every morning. My relationship with Alai was a lot like this summer, when after a few days of frenzy, everything went back to normal. In my impression, winter is relatively easy to get through, you just need to cover your head and sleep, but when it comes to summer, it is difficult.When the heat is unbearable, if you sleep in the afternoon, you will probably wake up with your throat almost on fire.In cloudy and rainy days, I feel depressed, I always have a damp smell on my body, I can't sleep or get up, my appetite is greatly reduced, and my temper becomes bad. In short, the whole season is depressing.

153 One Saturday, because Alai and I slept too late last night and didn't get up in the morning, we simply didn't go to school and spent time at home. I was particularly impressed by a scene about Africa in "Animal World" broadcast on TV. In the long summer, several African lions lay in the shade, watching the prey swaggering past in groups. , with a bored look on his face, only when he is very hungry will he suddenly attack and eat an unlucky deer or wild sheep, but most of the time, the lions are always sleeping or looking around like sinister villains Look, there are ulterior motives.

So that summer, Alai and I often occupied a corner of the room. I was like an African lion, and Alai was like an African lioness. We looked at each other when there was no prey. Once, when I was reading a novel about the anecdote of Napoleon, I lowered the book and looked at Alai who was sitting on the bed reading a fashion magazine when my eyes were sore. Asked her eagerly: "Are you hungry?" The African lioness replied: "A little bit, you don't have an appetite if you want to eat." As an African lion I had to retort: ​​"Me too, I don't have the libido to fuck you." Nasty dreary lazy summer! 154 One day in mid-July, when the heat was unbearable, it was almost 12 o'clock when I came back at night. I bought a watermelon weighing 15 catties from a watermelon stall downstairs, and carried it upstairs by myself to eat it. No one opened the door for a long time. When I entered the door, I saw the note Alai left on the table. One of her female companions went to another university with her to celebrate the school celebration. She didn’t come back at night. I cut the watermelon in half and put it in the refrigerator. Half of it, the other half was carried directly to the desk, and was eaten with a large spoon.Just after eating two bites, the phone rang, I went to answer it, it was Lu Ran. "Back?" I asked. "Ok." "Are you okay tonight?" "Ok." "Come here. Alai's not here." "Let's find a place to have a drink." "Alright, where?" "Citadel, the one around the corner from the art museum." "Where are you?" "I'm at Citadel." 155 "Do you know? I didn't go anywhere a while ago. I was in Beijing. I asked a friend in Hainan to send the letter you received from there." When Lu Ran said this, he turned his back to the back of the chair as hard as he could. Leaning up, he moved the wine glass on the table back and forth between the two cold dishes with one finger. "What do you mean?" I couldn't help asking. "Nothing," he replied, "wanting to be alone." "Have you tasted it now?" "Tasted." "How about it?" "The same boring, the most boring of the boring." "Now?" "Oh, it's all right." "are you crazy." "who knows." "What do you want to do in the future?" "I don't know yet." "How about a beer?" "Order two more bottles." We drank a total of seventeen bottles of Yanjing beer that night. Lu Ran paid the bill once when we drank ten bottles, and then drank again for some reason.When he was drinking the tenth K bottle, he said to me: "The one who dares to commit suicide is great, and the rest are cowards." After that, he got up and went to the toilet, and the two of us went to the toilet on average for every bottle of beer we drank. The frequency shuttles back and forth between the dining table and the toilet a hundred meters outside the door, which is very busy. We were not drunk when we came out of the restaurant, so we stopped a taxi and went to my place. As soon as we entered the door, Luran went straight to the bathroom. The British", Lu Ran came in, sat down on a chair, and said to me: "Do you still love listening to Sting as much as before?" I reminded him: "This is the music you used to love most." "Yes, for a while I liked Sting very much." Lu Ran said thoughtfully. "We liked a lot of things together back then, but it was just a year ago." "A year, a year is a long time." "Why do you say that?" "I think I've reached the age where I'm bored - of course, the simple stuff, so - I'm thirsty, is there anything to drink?" I went to the kitchen to make a pot of tea, brought it to the table, and poured a cup for Lu Ran and me.He took a sip and put down his glass. "I'm not going to make music." "why?" "It's a matter of feeling. Maybe the music can't express what I want to express clearly." "Lu Ran, is expression so important to you? Even the way of expression is included?" Lu Ran finished his tea and poured another cup. "If not expressed, then in what way can I show that I exist?" "You just have to live, like everyone else, don't they exist?" "But I can't hear them, I don't know them, I don't even know them, what kind of existence is this? What's the point of such an existence?" "Why do you have to have the kind of existence you mentioned?" "No reason." "Lu Ran, you must have fallen into metaphysical depression." "It's not depression, it's thinking." "Is that why you dropped out?" "Not all of the reasons." "Lu Ran, I also want to get rid of everything around me, I also want to live a life as I please, I also want..." "No, you don't understand what I mean, Zhou Wen. I don't want to get rid of something, but what I want to rush into. I can't tell what it is. This is not a state, nor is it a problem in the category of intuition. After reading All kinds of philosophy books, Descartes, Nietzsche, Hegel. Spinoza, Heidegger, Bachelard, Ponty, Foucault, etc., I found a lot of things, they are right in front of me , but when I wanted to get close to them, they disappeared all of a sudden, one after another day and one night, I frantically read, frantically thinking, thinking about the world we live in, it is close in front of me, but I but don't know it--" "So you suffer for it." "Not a pain, but a kind, how should I put it, a kind, I can't express--pursuit may be a better word--" Lu Ran stared at the curtain that was blown by the wind. He seemed to be trying hard to say something, but he couldn't say it. I could see that he was trying hard. This is Lu Ran, who I don't understand and can't help. I tried to think of words to get him to go on, but I couldn't get it out of my head.At this time, Lu Ran turned his head to me. "Why don't you talk anymore?" "I don't understand the abstract stuff you're talking about." I lit a cigarette. "No, what I'm trying to tell you isn't abstract--" "for example--" "For example, one by one, there is a line like this--I want to fly freely--" I nod. Lu Ran went on to say, "Now I don't understand what this means. What does it mean to fly freely? What is it based on? What does it refer to?" "Maybe it's a state." "What's the status?" "It can also be interpreted in this way. Flying freely is a symbol, a certain way of thinking or action, which means exploring the scope of the world, relying on boundless knowledge, and referring to our spirit of seeking truth. ." "Of course, you can say that, but—" "Lu Ran, I'm just talking casually. I can't communicate with you about these issues. What I want to tell you is that maybe you take life too seriously, maybe it's not good for you." "But what's good for me?" "I have no idea." "I do not know either." "Then what do you do?" "I read, I studied, and I tried to figure out what I wanted to know." "Where do you live?" "I rented a farmer's house in Zhongguancun, and went to Beitu to read every day." "Why are you making such a fuss?" "I want to study without being interrupted, school, parents, friends—something you can't avoid." "You are a strange person." "Why do you say that?" "For example, it is difficult for me to tell a big lie casually like you, and then shut myself in a small room to study. For you, these are taken for granted. For me, this is out-and-out- -crazy." "The result of this is this - I have no money, in fact, the question of money is not important, I know how to get money, the point is - I can't find a way, my own way Come and communicate with my concerns, which are my present distress." "Lu Ran, do you really think there is anything more worth pursuing besides ordinary life?" "Yes, this is my belief in life. Maybe I will be excluded from ordinary life, but because of this, I can also exclude ordinary life." "Is this the reason for dropping out?" "Not at all, you know, I have never been interested in going to school, and those courses have wasted a lot of my time. You see, it takes only fifty years for a person to study from the age of ten to the age of ten. This book, I only read 36 books a year, only 360 books in ten years, and more than 1,800 books in fifty years. However, in Beitu, I found that the books I want to read are far more than this number. This is what I feel sad now reason." We chatted non-stop until the sky was bright. We went downstairs to eat steamed buns from a small stall, and each of us drank a bowl of fried liver. Lu Ran stopped a taxi by the side of the road and left. Before leaving, I asked him how to contact him, and he said that he had moved back to the house in Zhongguancun, and the phone was activated, so he could call if there was anything to do.I asked him if he would like to get together with the old gang, and he said, "Forget it." After Lu Ran left, I suddenly felt a burst of sadness, because I don't know if we can get together again in the future, the unpredictable Lu Ran always lives in his own way, he is so unapproachable, even if I and He talked all night and I still can't figure out what he's thinking. 156 A week after I met Lu Ran, the final exam began. In the review class, I pretended to sit down and take notes. Some of my classmates kept asking stupid questions such as whether to pass Chapter 7 or not. The teacher replied as usual. Every place is tested.In my pocket were the papers I got from the night raid on the printing room, so I didn't feel nervous down there.In my spare time, I went to the swimming pool with Alai to swim, and after playing in the karaoke hall at night, I ate some snacks such as chicken feet and peanuts at an open-air stall with Alai. Sometimes we play the newly sold Nintendo 8-bit game consoles together. Since the first generation of "Contra", the two of us have made rapid progress. Soon, we have a kind of partner when fighting side by side. It feels like the two of us are fighting left and right, responding to each other, and often have the following dialogue: "Wait for me for a while, I will kill the enemy behind." "One, two, three -- up!" It took two weeks for the first generation of "Contra" to be beaten to the head by Alai and me, and then we started to fight "Human Weapon". Many terms have been invented, for example, we call "lying on the ground" when shooting down on the ground, and "jump and hide" when we jump up and shoot and then fall down to avoid the enemy's bullets, and so on. Playing the bass made my four left fingers calloused, and the game console made my right thumb calloused as well. From the beginning of July when we bought the game console until we broke the game console in September of the following year, we have finished playing "Sandraman", "Prison Break", "Super Mario", "Maze Suite", " "Alien Resurrection", "Red Fortress", "Thunderbolt", "Hitler Resurrection", "Squirrel Wars", "Adventure Island", "Majie Village", "Blood Hardcore", and "Contra" from the first to fifth generations, One to three generations of "Double Dragon", plus dozens of small games like "Knocking Ice Cube" and "Elf".Alai and I are known as "24-hour male and female killers", which means that no matter what game we have, we will finish it within 24 hours without using any research secrets, and the actual situation is roughly the same. in this way.