Chapter 9 Title IX

91 The puzzling thing is not only the old X, but there are more. In short, the sum of these things gives me the impression that the connection between things is not as strong as we imagined, and it seems difficult to determine , so what can be believed?I have no idea.Not only do I not know, I find that others do not know either, and we all live by intuition and guesswork.Nothing is certain, nothing can be trusted, even Hua Yang, who is closest to me, borrowed money from me, and sometimes he would not repay it, but I, myself, have what people call consistent sex thing? I have no idea. Ideals will eventually be shattered, love will be lost, everything about us is erratic, and sooner or later we will die, everything is a big dream, and there will be no results. There is no difference... In short, fuck, my outlook on life at that time was like this. How many times I looked at the starry sky alone and let out a long sigh. After sighing, there was nothing I could do.

I had some dreams at that time, and I still remember one dream. I dreamed that I had turned into a very old goat, waiting to die in a cave, with tears in my eyes.The walls were wet all around me, and I stood there with no light in sight, and I sighed in the dark, feeling very, very alone.I don't know if this dream was made by me or I read it from a novel, but I remember it anyway. At the end of my freshman year, my mood was not very good, and it was not good after that, and it is still not good. There are many reasons for this. The phenomenon reflected in my life is--slowly, I became a little bit Insensitivity, loss of interest in people and things, I know, in this way, it is not good for me, of course it is not good for others, it is not good for anything, but I don't want to talk about these things to others, these are about life The boring, empty part, it's not interesting to talk about, yes, it's not interesting.

I don't think life is rich and deep, what I see, hear and feel is something depressing, I hate complacent and downcast situations, I hate everything, I can't be at peace because I'm not dead.Oh shit! But I still made a gesture that I am quite satisfied with, which can be regarded as one of my requirements for myself, the only requirement, that is to force a smile, yes, that is it, force a smile, no matter when and where, I will Command myself to smile because that's all I can do, because I'm a clown on show, I'm not funny to myself or anyone else, I have no tears, no joy, I have nothing, even, I have nothing to say.

92 I remember that I read a novel called "Long Live Youth" when I was in middle school. After reading it, I had the idea of ​​going to the school Wang Meng mentioned, but I couldn't find that school. Or was there something else wrong with it, after all, I went to another school, and the one I went to was worse.But, but... One day, Hua Yang and I were walking on the tree-lined road from the classroom to the playground. It was April 1989. The leaves had not yet emerged from the branches, and a picture of the gloomy sky was posted!Hua Yang's hair has just been washed, hanging on his head, and he is wearing a red down jacket, a pair of military and police boots bought from 3501, and the bottom edge of the jeans is tied to the high waist of the shoes On the night, I was wearing an inferior scarf my dad bought from the Soviet Union, and a domestic soft sheepskin jacket with my hands in my pockets. Hua Yang told me that Lu Ran and Lao X had sex.I listened and nodded, but Hua Yang didn't say anything further. We walked through the playground, walked through the corridor leading to the school gate, left the school, changed buses twice, and came to our rehearsal room. Except for Lu Ran, everyone We all arrived, and we began to rehearse a song called "Never Go Home". Xu Tong's drums always had problems. We thought it was good, we didn’t say anything to him, until he stopped suddenly at a bar and complained to me and Hua Yang that he didn’t cooperate with him. Hua Yang put the electric guitar on the chair and went to the door I accidentally kicked off the power plug, and I said to Xu Tong: "What the hell are you knocking on?" Tong blamed us crazily as if he was sick. He came from the Central Academy of Fine Arts, and he was a big fool. Not only we knew this, but even Lu Ran knew it. Disappeared, we looked back and found out that he was messing with his nose... This kind of thing happens often, I never said anything to him, unfortunately, Xu Tong is a fanatic rock fan, I usually don't come to rehearse When he was old, he practiced endlessly, and sometimes we walked down the street, and I always tried not to walk next to him, because his hands kept moving up and down like ADHD, which was annoying, and he It has a head as big as a ten-pound watermelon, a flat face, and a nose protruding from the center of the face, like a small island in the sea. The eyes are too small to ignore it if you don’t pay attention. The distance between the mouth and the nose is very far, the chin is very short, as if it was sawed off by someone with a saw, the back of the head falls vertically from top to bottom, like a cliff, other bands come to play with us, after listening to us The performance said that the drummer was not good, and none of us told him this. Maybe it was a mistake of ours, because he was getting more and more complacent, and even we didn't pay attention to it. Lu Ran almost once I found a drummer again, and we persuaded him, but Xu Tong didn’t know about all this. He had his own pursuit, and I know how he pursued it. He listened to that Michael Jackson platter over and over again. Son, he practiced desperately according to the drumbeat of every song in it, and when he practiced a bit like him, he said that he had another unique trick. No matter if he didn’t use his unique trick, it made everyone flustered when he used it. I just met him At that time he had long hair, now he has become straight, and now we are facing this head that we feel very ashamed of, listening to him shouting there, by the way, in a not long ago At the rock party, we auditioned a song, it was Xu Tong, who sang hard after Hua Yang finished singing, which made us very embarrassed on stage, because we didn’t have this part in our usual practice. Looking at the drummer of a certain band in my broken video, he threw the two drum hammers in his hand to the audience, and there was a dark crowd standing in the audience. I stood in front of the stage, next to the speaker on the left, I can't hear anything, but from the movements of people's mouths, it seems that they are not singing with us, butIt was shouting "Go down", and after a while, something frustrating happened. Xu Tong's two drum hammers were thrown back from the stage. Fortunately, they were thrown back, otherwise we would have to scrape together money to buy new ones. None of us mentioned the matter again, Lu Ran said to Hua Yang with twists and turns, we will not go to PANTY in the future.

Xu Tong stood behind his pile of drums, and sang a one-man show for a while, but no one caught the fire, he sat back down again, and beat wildly as if venting, Liu Xin stopped him with gestures, and said, "Aren't you annoying?" !" Xu Tong said, "I'm not bothered." Liu Xin said: "Then knock!" Sure enough, Xu Tong knocked again.I walked out of the house and saw Hua Yang standing alone under a tree not far in front, smoking a cigarette, when Xin Xiaoye and Liu Xin also came out, Liu Xin said to me: "We are isolated." A group of us walked back, Hua Yang sent Xin Xiaoye back to school, Liu Xin left by himself, I went back to Andingmen, opened the door and entered, Alai was watching a video I borrowed from Lu Ran called, It was all Spanish dance, and Alai watched it with great interest. Seeing that I came back so early, it was a bit strange, so he pressed the pause button and asked me: "Did you not go?"

I said, "Go, I got into an argument with Xu Tong, it's boring." She said, "What's the matter?" I said, "Ah, I'm sick." Alai said, "As for what?" I said, "Go ahead and watch, it's all right." Alai said: "Lu Ran called, and he said that if you come back at night if you have nothing to do, you can call him." I called Lu Ran, and Lu Ran called back after a while, and I asked him, "What's the matter?" Lu Ran said, "It's okay." As soon as I heard it, I felt something was wrong, so I said, "Where is it?"

He said, "At home." I asked him, "Do you drink tonight?" He happily said, "Where is it?" 93 That night, in a small restaurant near Zhenwu Temple, Lu Ran and I got very drunk. We drank an unknown number of bottles of beer, and Lu Ran drank half a bottle of Erguotou himself. He told me about Old X, It seems that Hua Yang's news is not false at all, he and old X are bragging. It can be seen that breaking up with old X made him a little sad. From my point of view, it is better to call it incomprehension than sadness. He seems to have finished with her without understanding what happened to old X. Which means he'll never get a chance to figure out what's going on with old X, and that's what I thought when old X left me- now I'll never have to bother figuring out what's going on with her !

This is the difference between me and Lu Ran. Lu Ran spent about ten minutes talking about him and old X. Just the day before yesterday, he went to old X's dormitory to find her, but she was not there, so he left her a note saying that he went to a rock party What puzzled him was that Old X was also there, with one hand hanging around the neck of a third-rate musician, and the other holding a can of San Miguel stout. In Lu Ran's words, he then " Did one of the biggest stupid things in my life - rushing over to give the musician a bottle, backhanded and slapped old X, old X screamed and ran to the side, the musician now lives in the Navy Headquarters Hospital, that’s what it is.” He finished speaking in a row, and drank half a glass of beer again, “but there was no sign at all, not even a clue... Before this, old X and I were all normal. She practiced with me a week ago. As usual, she was neither very gentle nor cold to me, nor did she tell me that she had sex with someone else again. It was so sudden that I lost my head ...what happened?"

Lu Ran looked at me, I lowered my head, and had a drink with him. After the drink was finished, he stopped talking about Old X, and suddenly told me about a song he wanted to write, called "Pure Beach" ", in the following three hours, he kept mentioning the pure beach to me, as if he was in the pure beach. Pure Beach is a beach in Lu Ran's dream. He firmly believes that there is such a beach in the world. The sea water is blue and blue, and white seagulls fly on it. There are no crow's paw prints, the sand glistens in the sun, there is no cloud in the sky, in the distance, the sea and the sky are mixed together, there is no boundary, there is no human trace, the sea surges up, washes up on the beach, smashes into foam, The bubbles burst quickly one by one, and the seabirds picked up a piece of green waterweed from the sea and flew into the sky. The long green waterweed was pulled out of the sea like silk, continuously, and the seabird dragged the piece of green waterweed. The green line flew farther and farther until it was out of sight.

This is the story of Pure Beach. 94 When Lu Ran was terribly drunk, he held the table with one hand and the wine glass with the other, and kept telling me about his pure beach. His eyes were red, whether it was because he hadn’t slept for a long time or he had drunk too much.At 4 o'clock in the middle of the night, we came out of the restaurant, walked crookedly to the intersection of Lishi Road, stopped a taxi, and asked the driver to stop after driving less than ten steps. He knelt on the ground and stuck his head out. Wow, I got out of the car from the other side of the road and threw up while standing on the side of the road. The driver took the opportunity to scold us a few words and drove the car away. We walked onto the Fuxingmen overpass and looked southwest. Radio, film and television The launch tower at the top stretched out into the sky darkly, and sanitation workers on shift had already appeared on the street at this time, and a few long-distance runners ran past us, and the car followed!The day drove away one by one, and the red taillights were very clear in the night.

Lu Ran and I were leaning against the bridge railing, it was a bit cold, after drinking a lot of beer, we stood on the bridge and started shivering soon, I blocked the wind with my hand, lit a cigarette, leaned on Lu Ran to smoke, He fixed his eyes on the bridge, his body was shaking slightly, he sighed a long time in the night, and said, "Let's go back." 95 During the days after Lu Ran and Old X broke up, his mood was extremely bad, and the whole band fell into a hopelessly slack state. For two consecutive weeks, the band didn't practice together at all. As a sign, Xu Tong found Hua Yang on a gloomy afternoon, and the two went to find Liu Xin. They called me and invited me to a restaurant in front of the art museum. Xu Tong treated us to a meal , It can be seen that he regretted the quarrel, and we have nothing to say, so the group of people were sincere and finally reconciled in the foam of beer. We drank from 4:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. before we broke up. At that time, the streets were full of lights, and the sky began to drizzle at some point. We broke up at the entrance of the restaurant. I didn’t take a car and walked to Andingmen in the drizzle. Walking, along the way, large raindrops kept falling from the small leaves on the side of the road, drenching me all over with water, and a cigarette I lit was soon soaked by the rain, and soon broke into two pieces. Cut, I threw away the cigarette and walked slowly forward. My head hurt a little. We ordered a bottle of koji wine just now, and I got bored at the end, so I vomited while walking. Cold sweat, weakness, the rain is getting heavier, there are few pedestrians on the side of the road, those cyclists in raincoats hurried past, like kites with broken strings blown crookedly by the wind, swaying twice under the street lights In the blink of an eye, everything was blurry in the rain, large drops of rain slipped down the iron sliding doors of closed shops, and the air was filled with the cold, damp smell of street garbage. A street light in front was not on, and the stagnant water below could not be seen clearly. I crossed the road, and suddenly my shoulders felt cold. It turned out that the rain had soaked my clothes. I ran into a No. 108 bus passing by, and I ran a few steps , chased after him, got in the car, bought a ticket, passed the crossing, and went straight to Andingmen. At this moment, the rain suddenly started to fall like crazy, and the wind blew the rain water almost sideways. It looks like wisps of smoke.The car passed the Andingmen Overpass and stopped in front of Andingmen Station. I saw that the situation was not good, so I didn’t get off the car. I followed the No. 108 bus to the Hepingli terminus. Already getting smaller, I jumped out of the car and walked home, and accidentally stepped into a puddle, my shoes were completely wet, and a lot of mud was poured in. In the elevator, I was drenched and heavier than usual. Standing there, two small puddles formed under my feet from the first floor to the twelfth floor. The old lady driving the elevator stared at my feet dissatisfied. , I finally walked to the door of the house, took out my pocket, and found that I forgot to bring the key, I knocked on the door a few times, hoping that Alai would be inside, but unfortunately she didn’t come today, I sat on the ground with my back against the door, shivering from the cold , I had to take the elevator again to the reception room on the first floor, and called Alai’s dormitory at the school. Ask: "Who is it?" For a while, her voice seemed distant and friendly. I told her that I didn't bring the key when I went out, and I was outside the door now. Alai said, "You deserve it! Who made you lose things all the time?" , I’m already going to bed, wait a minute, I’ll send it to you.” 95 During the days after Lu Ran and Old X broke up, his mood was extremely bad, and the whole band fell into a hopelessly slack state. For two consecutive weeks, the band didn't practice together at all. As a sign, Xu Tong found Hua Yang on a gloomy afternoon, and the two went to find Liu Xin. They called me and invited me to a restaurant in front of the art museum. Xu Tong treated us to a meal , It can be seen that he regretted the quarrel, and we have nothing to say, so the group of people were sincere and finally reconciled in the foam of beer. We drank from 4:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. before we broke up. At that time, the streets were full of lights, and the sky began to drizzle at some point. We broke up at the entrance of the restaurant. I didn’t take a car and walked to Andingmen in the drizzle. Walking, along the way, large raindrops kept falling from the small leaves on the side of the road, drenching me all over with water, and a cigarette I lit was soon soaked by the rain, and soon broke into two pieces. Cut, I threw away the cigarette and walked slowly forward. My head hurt a little. We ordered a bottle of koji wine just now, and I got bored at the end, so I vomited while walking. Cold sweat, weakness, the rain is getting heavier, there are few pedestrians on the side of the road, those cyclists in raincoats hurried past, like kites with broken strings blown crookedly by the wind, swaying twice under the street lights In the blink of an eye, everything was blurry in the rain, large drops of rain slipped down the iron sliding doors of closed shops, and the air was filled with the cold, damp smell of street garbage. A street light in front was not on, and the stagnant water below could not be seen clearly. I crossed the road, and suddenly my shoulders felt cold. It turned out that the rain had soaked my clothes. I ran into a No. 108 bus passing by, and I ran a few steps , chased after him, got in the car, bought a ticket, passed the crossing, and went straight to Andingmen. At this moment, the rain suddenly started to fall like crazy, and the wind blew the rain water almost sideways. It looks like wisps of smoke.The car passed the Andingmen Overpass and stopped in front of Andingmen Station. I saw that the situation was not good, so I didn’t get off the car. I followed the No. 108 bus to the Hepingli terminus. Already getting smaller, I jumped out of the car and walked home, and accidentally stepped into a puddle, my shoes were completely wet, and a lot of mud was poured in. In the elevator, I was drenched and heavier than usual. Standing there, two small puddles formed under my feet from the first floor to the twelfth floor. The old lady driving the elevator stared at my feet dissatisfied. , I finally walked to the door of the house, took out my pocket, and found that I forgot to bring the key, I knocked on the door a few times, hoping that Alai would be inside, but unfortunately she didn’t come today, I sat on the ground with my back against the door, shivering from the cold , I had to take the elevator again to the reception room on the first floor, and called Alai’s dormitory at the school. Ask: "Who is it?" For a while, her voice seemed distant and friendly. I told her that I didn't bring the key when I went out, and I was outside the door now. Alai said, "You deserve it! Who made you lose things all the time?" , I’m already going to bed, wait a minute, I’ll send it to you.” 96 Alai came up by the last elevator. He shook the key in his hand. When we met, he threw the key into my hand and said, "Open the door." We entered the door, I took a shower, changed into a set of clean clothes, Alai leaned on the bed, put up two pillows, put them on the back, and held a copy of "Let's Rabbit Run". Look, from time to time, I dip my fingertips into the saliva and turn the pages. Covered with a blanket, a pair of bare feet are exposed underneath, moving around, taking out something to eat from the pocket of the clothes on the back of the chair next to the bed from time to time. I stuffed it into my mouth, and when I went to take it out, there was only an empty bag left—a bag of plums. I sat on the edge of the bed and took the book from her hand. Her eyes followed the book along with my hand. I moved the book to about one meter away from her eyes. She still read it intently. When the book moved further away, she looked away, looked at me with a smile, and said, "I've finished reading this page." Then she took a breath and nodded at me: "Rabbit, go to sleep." I approached her, reached out and hugged her to my chest. She pointed to my nose and said, "Don't think about it, it's not up yet. It's three days away, the doctor said." "I don't believe what the doctor said." "Forget it, today, but you have to bring this--" She took out a small box from the bag on the back of the chair and waved it in front of me. It was a box of condoms. I lit a cigarette: "Didn't you regret it when you were an official?" Alai said, "I ate what did you bring?" "Will nylon socks work?" "No." Ali said with a chuckle. 97 When I woke up, it was more than 9 o'clock in the morning. The sky was bright. I opened my eyes and found that Alai was sitting on the bed watching "Rabbit Run". Touched Alai, Alai didn't look at me, and asked casually: "Want to drink water again?" I stretched out my hand, Alai handed it to me from the bedside table beside me, I took it, got up, and drank it in one go , but there was nothing in the glass, I said: "There is no water." Alai took the empty glass from my hand and said, "Wait a minute." I turned around and fell into a deep sleep again. When I woke up again, it was almost noon, the sun was shining on my face, it was warm, and there was soft music in the room. It was "Yesterday" by the Beatles. Sitting up, the hands of the quartz clock on the wall pointed to 11:30, and the sound of Allecchi dishes came from the kitchen. The rain-soaked clothes were hanging on the balcony, and there was a glass full of water on the bedside table. I picked up the glass and drank it. At this time, Alai walked in with a smile, holding a plate in his hand. An apple, put the plate on the desk, and said to me: "Are you still sleepy?" I shook my head, Alai went to the desk and sat down, squinted at me from the corner of his eyes, made a grimace, took an apple in his hand and ate it, then opened the drawer, and took out a few discs of the desktop recorder from inside. Tape, replace the Beetle with "Whammy", turn up the volume, and suddenly, the shrill "Wake Me Before the Dance" sounded in the room, Alai smiled at me, danced and disappeared into the kitchen, I was deafening I got out of bed during the music, went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, and went back to the house to fold the quilt. Finally, I came to the kitchen. Alai was sitting on a small stool peeling potatoes, while gently shaking with the music, I He took an apple and squatted opposite Alai to eat it. When the tape was finished, there was a snap, and the PLAY button jumped up. Alai quickly peeled the last potato under my nose with a fruit knife, and then asked me: "Do you like goulash with potatoes?" "Love to eat." "Then you have to help me find that tape with "Blowin' in the Wind" that has three Bob Dylan songs in it that I want to bring to the dorm." "I can't find it, what should I do?" "I'm looking for you to make goulash." I went back to the house again, opened the drawer and looked for it. After I found it, I put the tape in A Cai’s schoolbag. It will be ready in fifteen minutes." The two of us sat on one side of the desk, face to face, and I yawned: "What did you do while I was sleeping?" Alai scanned the room with his eyes: "It's all on the surface, needless to say?" I took the "Let's Rabbit Run" from my pillow, and flashed it in front of Alai's eyes: "Read it?" He fixed his eyes on me, and said to me very seriously: "Some people say that you always have to lose a game before dinner to enjoy your meal, isn't it?" I opened the chess box, laid the chessboard flat, put the red checkers on the board one by one, and retorted: "Some people think that they are in a bad mood all afternoon. I really can't help them." The two of us quickly fought on the chessboard. The two armies had just faced off near the center line. The screams of the pressure cooker sounded in the kitchen. Alai went to cover the high-pressure valve. I waited for her to come back and continue walking when the phone rang , I'll pick it up, it's Lu Ran. "I guess you didn't go to class, how about you, let's have lunch together?" "Where are you?" "How about we go eat fried chicken in the phone booth downstairs at your house?" "Let's come up and eat the beef. Alai made it. It's almost ready." "Row." 98 When Lu Ran came up, Alai and I had fought to the last few steps. When I was talking to Lu Ran, she caught a loophole and rescued a wounded soldier who was dragged far behind. In this way, I would at least lose to She took five moves, we put away the chess, and Alai went to the kitchen to bring up the meals one by one. Lu Ran sat uneasy on the chair and looked around: "Why, is it really good?" "It's not." "When did you two blow it--it's so good that people feel so abnormal. Now I feel uncomfortable when I see people living happily. I really want to make all the lovers in the world break up... Does this sound like a song? ?" Alai pushed the bowls of rice in front of us one by one, and we ate. Alai asked Lu Ran: "I heard that you are in a bad mood recently, and I also heard that old X is blowing up with you. Why do I feel that these two news are so contradictory?" Lu Ran laughed loudly: "Alai, if you say another bad word about old X, I'll borrow your videotape and pick it from my place. You can take as many as you want, as long as you can watch it. I heard Zhou Wen said that you love to watch it." Movies, especially--" Lu Ran and I said together: "It's forced to shoot!" We laughed out loud. Ah Cai raised her head and looked at the two of us: "Old X, isn't he just good at it?" "Okay, that's fine." Lu Ran smiled again, "Go and pick from me in a while." I said to Alai, "Don't be surprised, he's not normal this time, we have to pamper him." 99 After dinner, we went to Lu Ran's place together. Alai picked out a batch of tapes, including "Last Year in Marienbad", "The Color of Money", "Eight and a Half", "Seven Heroes of Steel Plate", " "Weed Poison", "The Summer of Murder", "Golden Pond", etc., Alai carefully selected some of them there, and some of them were put into the video recorder to see whether to take them away. When Alai was picking out the videotape, Lu Ran called and called all the band members over. Lu Ran brought everyone some good news. One of his arty wine and meat friends in Xiamen heard that Beijing was promoting rock and roll, and asked if he could Get a band to sing in his karaoke hall, Lu Ran immediately agreed, and the price was negotiated, 15 yuan per person per day, all the tips will be ours, we will sing for a month, the time is summer vacation, and the travel expenses will be paid by him, of course. It will be reimbursed there, we just need to discharge a few more songs during this time. This is really good news. l00 The band resumed rehearsals, and they practiced very hard. Every day after school, everyone went straight to the rehearsal room. I wrote three songs, and Lu Ran wrote five songs. "Missing You" by the Rolling Stones, "Casablanca", and even "Jingle Bells", which everyone can sing. In case of accidents, we also practiced a few Hong Kong and Taiwan songs, Zhao Chuan's, Qi Qin's , Wang Jie's, Luo Dayou's, Li Zongsheng's, etc., in order to find the scores of these songs, Lu Ran ran around and was exhausted.You know, in 1989, pop songs from Hong Kong and Taiwan were still regarded as fashionable stuff in Beijing, unlike now, anyone who is vulgar can be said to be Hong Kong and Taiwan.