Chapter 32 "Light of the Earth" The city where the mother lives

The city where my mother lives (1) Chapter VII Time, overlapping on a tree. The old branches and leaves are like a cover, and the new ones are extended from it.Time writes history on the tree, and the ancient colors are read, and suddenly I see the contemporary The old and the new, the past and the present, are not in a state of hostility. They recognize each other in the course of time, and take beauty as their final destination. ——Jane Zhen "The Man in the Eye" 1 In the city where he lived with his mother when he was a boy, the sun was scorching in summer, the air was hot, and the moisture-laden wind occasionally blew on his body, so it was always hot.Sticky sweat drenches clothes.

The mother's world is always an ambiguous and unfortunate mystery.Her situation and experience have the ups and downs of a small person, so she is only disappointed with this cold world.She later suffered from hyperthyroidism in middle age, and she often couldn't control her emotions, and she would be filled with resentment for no reason.As others have said, sometimes it is difficult to find out whether she is unhappy because she complains, or complains because she is unfortunate. From a very young age, Jian Sheng was well versed in the way of dealing with things when he said too much, and he was timid to the point of repressing his mother's moodiness, so silence and avoidance were the only way out.

He hid in a corner, where his mother couldn't see, carefully observed her mood in advance with melancholy eyes.Every time he saw his mother's frosty face, he hid in his room with respect, fearing that something would offend his mother and she would be beaten. In summer, when he came back from school, he was sweating profusely and ran up the stairs, but sometimes he would meet a vaguely familiar man on the stairs, and he would come down with a satisfied and radiant expression, proud of himself. Shaking their heads and tails, the two glanced at each other when they crossed shoulders.

He may have met these men more than once, or he may have never met them, or they may not be the men who had an affair with his mother at all.But he couldn't help himself not to connect him with his mother.It all just feels nasty and disgusting.Of course, at the time he was completely ignorant of the truth, of the pathetic and humiliating bargains his mother was being forced to make with these powerful men. When I got home, I hid in my room and never came out while my mother was gone.Do homework, draw pictures, read books.He has a quiet world of his own. He and his mother have been separated for a long time, and they are so divided that they can no longer get used to expressing intimacy and love for each other.

I remember that after he came home that day, my mother was in a particularly good mood for some reason.There is a sly smile on his face.He didn't ask, as usual, he went into his room and closed the door to be alone.After a while, when he was doing his homework, his mother knocked on the door and came in, bringing him a bowl of watermelon pudding.The exquisite glass bowl, the pudding is transparent and bright, moist and smooth, the watermelon is thoughtfully cut into small pieces and put in it, stirred together, just taken out of the refrigerator, it looks cold and delicious. Mother stood beside him and said, I know you like to eat watermelon and pudding, and today I happened to be free, and found that there was some watermelon left in the refrigerator, so I put the two things together to make you a bowl of watermelon pudding.You try it.

Jian Sheng felt flattered for a moment.He became happy, so he immediately bowed his head and took a big bite, but when he tasted it, he found that the watermelon was no longer fresh, and the taste had changed a bit.Mother may not know.She is often so busy that she buys something and puts it in the refrigerator, forgetting it, and taking it out after a long time. She looked at her son expectantly, with a particularly relaxed expression.Ask repeatedly, is it delicious?It's delicious. I'll make it for you later. Jian Sheng had never seen such a pleasant smile and gentle attitude from his mother.He was so happy that he couldn't bear to tell her that the watermelon had changed its taste.So he showed a joyful expression and said, it was really delicious.

Mother cheered up and sat down beside him.He knew that she would watch him finish eating, so Jian Sheng immediately lowered his head and ate the whole bowl of watermelon pudding in front of his mother, then looked up at her with a smile on his face. Mouth is full of spoiled and sour taste.It has been sour to the bottom of my heart. The mother took the bowl with a smile and left without knowing it.Say, do your homework, be good. After his mother closed the door and left, Jian Sheng sat there in a daze.Such a sensitive young man, at this moment because of the scene just now, because of the stingy family affection, turned around so sad that he couldn't help lying on the table and wanted to cry.But I couldn't cry.He was so eager and simple that his mother's short-lived pleasure could be extended into the most common mood in her ordinary life.

From that time on, he really never encountered such a good thing again until he met his mother for the last time on the night of his eighteenth birthday.That cake was extremely sweet, but ended up bringing him sourness. The city where my mother lives (2) He knew that throughout his painful youth, all sustenance was only on Huai.The comfort and peace that Huai gave him was better than that of his mother and everything else.As a result, his feelings for Huai became complicated and profound.He always felt that there was no sacrifice he could not make in order to prolong and obtain such care and comfort.

So this time, even if he gave up his family, failed Xinhe, left Kasang, ended his work and even his future, he did not regret it.This is not a decision he can control with reason.His obsession with memories, and his attitude of being immersed in the shadows and incompleteness of the whole growing up, is a sigh.Like a scar on his chest. After all, not everyone is desperate enough to be their own assassin. Except for some clothes, the luggage Jian Sheng took with him when he left was some paintings from his youth.Because of the long time, the pencil marks on the rough paper have been rubbed and smudged like ink.The original clear and uniform strokes are no longer clearly visible.

On the plane, he opened the sketchbook with many sentences written in it to read.And feel a little sad for those passing moments. Memories always have a beautiful and moving shape. When people retell the past, they will unknowingly fall into an illusion that has become close to perfection after imagining and vanity restoration.No matter how unbearable and contemptuous it was when experiencing those facts.Although this kind of confession by drinking poison to quench thirst always makes people who are greedy for the past doomed not to go too far in this world that is constantly moving forward.

Of course, in this world that regards looking back as weakness and shame, no matter how far you go, you will not be able to achieve the eternity you want.No matter how close you get, you will never be able to return to the dream you want.People are always a group of creatures enslaved by inner regrets and longings, caught in the one-way street of life, unable to go far, and unable to return. He returned to his hometown. When Huai opened the door, his expression was surprised.She didn't expect that Jian Sheng would come back.She has always been used to not have any hope of other people's promises. You are back, Jane. She welcomed Jian Sheng into the door.Jian Sheng looked at her, blushing like a child because of inexplicable joy.He put the simple luggage on the ground and asked her, are you feeling better recently. Huai smiled, neither saying yes nor bad.She naturally changed the subject again, asking how long he planned to stay here and whether he was on business. When Jian Sheng heard her question, he was stunned.He held the teacup and stood there. Don't you know I'm here to take care of you?I was divorced, resigned from my teaching job, and released my daughter from adoption.All just to come back to you.None of this is a joke.Why do you ask like that. Huai smiled apologetically and embarrassedly.She said, I'm sorry, Jane.I didn't hold out hope for your promise, and I didn't expect you to be like this.You sacrifice too much, but you don't have to. Jian Sheng was chilled for a while.Although this is what he has long been used to, Huai's indifference and alienation towards himself.He was silent for a while, put down his teacup, and said, since I have come.You can't just go back like this, right? Where do I put my luggage. She did not really hope that Jian Sheng would come, but she made hopeful preparations for his return.She let her mother leave and lived alone all this time.Huai's logic is still to obey and let nature take its course.If Jian Sheng comes, she will be happy.If Jian Sheng doesn't come, she can only continue to live alone. There is nothing more than a promise that a man can keep. The winter in the south has a soft face, and the air seems to contain moist and warm tears.There is no snow, and the eyes are still green.It rained continuously.On such a night, with the sound of rain whispering outside the window, it is easy to fall into a deep sleep. This should be the most peaceful place in life - warm winter, returning to the pavilion where I lived for a long time when I was young.Listening to the rain in the middle of the night, I feel at ease.And the person you've loved for years is dreaming in the room next to yours. The first night he stayed at Huai's house, he only felt that he slept peacefully.A deep sleep without even a dream, it seems that he hasn't had it for many years.