Chapter 33 "Light of the Earth" met so many people

met so many people (1) 2 Huai.In our lifetime, we can meet so many people.Whether you love it or not, you can spend a day of your life together, a month, a year, and when it's time to leave, get together and leave, and then spend another day, another month with the next person, Another year. There is no distinction between being lonely or not, only being afraid of loneliness or not.Fear of loneliness is just because I am afraid of the vastness of this world. After all, compared with the world, people are too small and small, and their life is too short.Such people like to reflect their own existence by desperately giving affection or desperately asking for affection, and give themselves hope and comfort.The result is often only a more profound proof of the essential loneliness of life.Sometimes it is even so embarrassing that when there is something to say, no one can say it, and when someone can speak, there is nothing to say.

I know you are not such a person.Huai.The giving and receiving between us is a kind of letting nature take its course.I often feel that the destiny of a person is to spend a lifetime walking around a lake.Depart from a starting port, walk a circle of roads dotted with scenery, and finally return to that port.During this walk, if you see a leaky boat floating towards the shore, you will kindly stop to pull it ashore, scoop it up, repair it, or walk with it all the way.When the wind picks up, the boat leaves, and you are on your way safely. You are the traveler, and I am the ship you repaired.The scope of my navigation is limited to the lake surrounded by your destiny.The clear blue water is all I miss about you.My wandering is just to meet you again at the next port.If you can't walk at that time, I will carry you and swim to the final port.

This is the best fate I can hope for as a boat whose range of drifting has been delimited by this lake of emotion.After all, this pool of blue waves has created a landscape, making your journey on the shore full of scenery. This man, who calls himself a boat, has sharp and clear lines on his face, and the marks of his growing up are still clearly and straightforwardly written.There is generally no change from the past teenagers. What a special, what an incomplete man.At this age, an ordinary and complete person has already cultivated the endowment of forgetting and selfishness in his bones.Pick up what should be picked up, and put down what should be put down.The annual rings of the years have run over their increasingly dull and solid hearts, and their bodies have gradually become obsolete.I have become hopeless because of the established life, or continue to complain about others because of my lack of talent.But Jian Sheng is not sticking to these things.

What he pursues is the memory and light in his heart. 3 Before the winter vacation is approaching, Jian Sheng used her fame and friendship to teach a youth art training class in a private studio for her livelihood. He is a talented and hard-working painter, and he is well-known in the circle. The art exhibition was held in several cities not long ago.However, as a professor at the top art college in China, he resigned and went south to devote himself to teaching in a youth training class.Many people are puzzled by this.But he didn't feel any injustice in his heart, he just felt that this way could lead to the most satisfying life.

Huai taught the students of the attached middle school during the day on weekdays, which was very tiring.Back home at night, she had occasional spasms, and the ensuing pain had spread to her limbs.Jian Sheng once advised her not to go to work, but she refused with a smile. Maybe it won't be long before I can't go to work anymore, but not now, she said, I need to go to work, and I don't want to stay at home and stay with the illness all day long, because I will feel hopeless because of monotony and boring life.she says. Jian Sheng's classes are always on weekends.During weekdays, he has a lot of free time.Do some chores at home, tidy up the room.I bought a lot of potted plants and put them on the balcony and filled the window sills of every room.They are all simple and ordinary flowers and plants.Jasmine, Gardenia, Violet, Cornflower, Perfume Rose.He always liked their subtle fragrance.That flickering and uncertain breath wanders in the air, similar to memory.

He fixed a few bamboo poles in a netted pattern on the balcony by himself, planted four morning glories, and let the vines coil around them and grow vigorously. The two ends of the top of the balcony were fixed with iron racks for pulling clotheslines, so he found two more baskets made of beige rattan, planted delicate spider plants with scapes hanging leisurely, and hung a pot on the left and right.He believed that when this winter passed and spring and summer came, the balcony would be full of green shade. A man who loves to grow flowers and plants, if not forced by the profession of earning a living, is a person with extraordinary patience and peace of mind.Jian Sheng not only takes care of flowers and plants at home, but also loves to decorate the room with his own creativity.In Huai's home, he removed the old lampshade by himself, folded the waste rice paper stained with mottled ink in an elegant way, and made a simple bracket with the bamboo strips he picked up inside, supporting it into a square shape. Cones, cones, irregular long tubes, etc., one by one new abstract lampshades are made.Covered on the light bulb, the light is soft, and when reflected, it looks like an ink painting, which looks amazing.

Comparing with the fragments of the small pieces of wooden picture frames left at home, I drew many small sketches of flowers and plants.Most of them are clear and transparent watercolors, but also gouache and oil paintings.Then assemble it with the picture frame and hang it on the wall.Cleverly and artistically cover up the stains and canthus on the wall.Not all picture frames are complete, and some only have a wide side of material left, so he only made one side of the picture frame, made two holes on the side of the frame, and passed through the holes with a thick rope. Then it was connected to the drawing paper, and hung obliquely on the wall.Rough and simple, but you can see the originality at a glance.

On the tables and cabinets at home, bouquets of flowers are always kept in simple flat glass vases.The clear water in the bottle reflects the shadow of the green stem, looking at peace. Every time on the way home, Huai speculates about what kind of new tricks will be in the house today. The speculation makes him feel sweet and joyful and excited.It seems to be the most beautiful longing, which makes people long to go home.I came back in a hurry, and as soon as I entered the house, I habitually looked around the house.There are always unexpected new changes in the home, like a beautiful gift, hidden in a corner waiting to be discovered by yourself.She can always spot them, too.And happy with the new changes in these details.beyond words.

He stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders.Do you like it, he asked. Jian Sheng, you are such a delightful person, she said with a smile on her face. Eat in kitchen.On the small walnut wood dining table, there is a bottle of pure white calla lilies in clear water on the side of the wall, silent and noble.The thick checkered tablecloth was lifted, and several bowls of home-cooked meals had been prepared, and they were placed on the table with the bowls buckled.Even the chopsticks are set.He still doesn't know how to cook, and the stir-fry and soup are simple, but delicious. Jian Sheng has always believed that physical therapy through carefully organizing the details of life is more effective than drugs.Good mood, regular and reasonable work and rest habits, clean and nutritious food, fresh air, green and spicy flowers and plants, and beautiful music.All of this should be of great benefit to Huai.He worked hard for it.

There are a lot of fruits and vegetables in the south all year round, and watermelon thoughtfully cut into triangles or peeled grapes are always indispensable on every table.Cut the peeled peaches into slices and put them on a large plate, so fresh and green.Or just a cup of freshly squeezed juice with a juicer, only add a little sugar, and bring it to your face.The color is strong, delicious and attractive, even a glance will whet the appetite.The record player in the living room played faint music, usually a slow cello, and sometimes Russian folk songs sung by a bass.The voice flowed like water, but it was full of gorgeous sadness.The two sat opposite each other, eating and talking with a smile.Jian Sheng did not change his gentle and clear northern dialect, and the rhythm of his speech was so smooth that it was even pleasant to hear.

This man, who has been devoted to her since he was a teenager, is by his side to take care of her at this moment.Decorate her home and take care of her life. She would often be so happy that she couldn't help but feel melancholy, worrying that the peace and tranquility she was in would end one day. In the evening they maintain the habit of going out for a walk after meals. met so many people (2) Walking out of the house, the winter air outside is slightly cool.In the evening, the sky is sunny and the wind is clear.Along the way, Jian Sheng talked to Huai about his memories of studying abroad in St. Petersburg.He said, I often see lovers in plain clothes whispering on the banks of the Neva River.Once I sat there sketching.It was just the beginning of the snow, the sky was calm and clear, and the belated sunset shone on the snow, and the air was cold, which made people feel refreshed.The spire of the Orthodox Church is in the distance, covered with fairy-tale snow. When I was painting, a middle-aged man and woman stood not far from me, wearing a black coat, with light white hair and a little fat.Very quiet, silent all the time, looking at the river flowing to the cold distance for a long time.After I've been painting for a long time, they're ready to leave.I heard the man say softly in English, my dear, are you cold.The woman replied, I am not cold, dear.But we should go back. After speaking, the two held hands and left silently as they always did.When they stood there, they looked like two pigeons watching the church.No hugs, no kisses, not even words.There is only clean silence and existence. It must be an ordinary and happy European couple, coming here for vacation.I recalled the scene of their conversation just now, peaceful and peaceful, and sympathetic to each other.Just like the shadow they left behind me.The kind of tactful tranquility is beyond words. But looking back many years later, how stupid and greedy I was.At that time, Xin He was by my side, and we have always lived peacefully and stayed together for a long time like that couple.But because my mood when facing this kind of peaceful life is different from hers, even if I am in the same happiness, I don't feel its preciousness.Still envious of other people's happiness. The misfortune I brought to her may only be repaid in the next life. Huai remained silent, she could see his struggle and hesitation.Everything can only go with the flow, if when he turns his horse's head back to the original happiness, then it is all destined.She was also helpless.I just hope that the illusion at this moment can continue. 4 Jian Sheng and Huai lived together for nearly a year.From the winter of last year to the autumn of another year.The extreme stillness of this life only makes people feel as if they are slowly sinking into the unfathomable bottom of the sea.At first, the sound on the shore was gradually lost, and then it continued to sink, and it became impossible to see the light. The light still lingers outside the window.Including our time, memories, what we see, visions, dreams.In Debussy's piano pieces, she is still sitting in the room, with her back to his gaze, facing the window.The light passed over the green leaves of the potted plants that flourished on the windowsill and fell on her entire body.The entire profile is plated with a full and smooth haze.Every strand of hair is burning and shining.Her back body was wrapped in a white pajamas that were almost transparent under the sunlight. Because of her thinness, the clothes looked huge, like a cicada shell about to shed.He was always behind her, never able to see her pain. The weather is fine, Jane.I haven't seen such weather for a long time. This is Huai who no longer works.She couldn't work anymore, because at any point, her hand would cramp so much that she couldn't hold a pen, her legs were numb and tingling, and she couldn't stand upright.I can only stay at home, rest for a long time, and do stretching physical activities according to the standards given by the doctor.He looked at her back and said, Huai, it's time to take you to the hospital for an examination tomorrow. Huai said, I don't want to go again, Jian Sheng.That is in vain.I will be fine. Once a person is sick, many things cannot be chosen by himself.Need to lie on the double to accept the fiddling of the outside world.All kinds of diseases, all kinds of methods.Injections, infusions, blood draws, traction, drainage, puncture, hemodialysis, transplantation, chemotherapy... The body is weak and shameless on the hospital bed, and can no longer be freely controlled by oneself.And all you can control is the pity and attention—if any—from those sitting next to you.So I started to groan, to ask for accommodation, to babble about my pain and misfortune to the visitors over and over again, and every time I said a word, others had to bend down to listen again and again...so as to make up for my weakness and incompetence.They asked in panic, doctor, will I die if I get this disease? People will die naturally, it's just a matter of time.Faced with this time limit, people are often greedy and unwilling. She did not like to see herself lying in a hospital bed too early, being manipulated because of weakness, or using weakness to manipulate others.Choose to still be in your own home, smile slowly, and live slowly.As if nothing happened.And everything in this world, if you really want to pretend that it didn't happen, it can be meaninglessly hidden in your consciousness, as if it really didn't happen.This is another kind of deception in a positive sense. If you use another beautiful way of saying it, it is that the environment is born from the heart. She is insisting on living with a metaphysical state of mind, so some metaphysical things need to be done by him.To stay with her and take care of her.To buy her medicine, cook, do laundry, clean and furnish her room.To go for a walk together, to paint together. At night, I sleep in two rooms, and gradually become easily disturbed, and wake up when there is a little noise.Sometimes even a car light hits the glass window and hits the eyes, it will wake up.After waking up every night, I got up to see if Huai was okay.He stood at the door and gently opened a crack in the door. If he saw the darkness and silence inside, he would feel relieved and go back to his room.Later, such unnecessary visits were repeated many times, and it almost became a worry like obsessive-compulsive disorder. But as long as he stood at the door every time and stared at the dark and blurred Huai's shadow, he would feel that time flew back, and he was still the boy who had just lost his mother, was taken care of by this woman, and couldn't help but love her.Lying on that bed, thinking of her beloved sleeping next door, she felt uneasy, tossing and turning, couldn't help getting up to see her, but couldn't bear to disturb her, so she quietly went back to her room.Not long after lying down, he turned over and dawn broke. Because he has been unable to resist the radiation of his youthful heart, and through the rooting and transfer of an Oedipus complex, he loves this woman for a long time and paranoidly. Even after leaving her, his emotional ability becomes disabled and he cannot love. It is also impossible to balance the love of others. But now he only feels that it is so lucky and satisfying to be able to finally get the chance to get along with her day and night as he wished, to see the face he misses every day, and to bear her pain and life. Every time he came, she knew it.People who are restless and sensitive, the biggest symptom is that they are not accustomed to sleeping soundly.No matter how light he was, she could hear the door being pushed open, and feel Jian Sheng standing there, staring at him with burning eyes.After a while, it was quietly closed again.Everything is back to normal. She was indeed in pain, in her forehead and limbs.The body is violently numb.Lying alone in bed, I endured without a word.Pain often has a vigilant effect on the heart, and no matter how much you moan and are taken care of, you are always the only one who takes care of it.So she gradually got used to it. On a clear night, she was so painful that she couldn't sleep, and when she looked up, she would see a field of dark and white moon frost, with the shadows of plants and flowers on the window sill hollowed out in the middle, spread out in front of the bed like a carpet.very beautiful. worse than last time 5 On a November morning, she woke up and opened her eyes, but the images she saw overlapped and were very blurry.It only took her a split second to accept this reality.She knew that her double vision had happened again, and it was worse than the last time. Jian Sheng came over, leaned over and smiled at her.Did you sleep well, Huai. Huai quickly thought about whether to tell him.He hesitated a little, always felt that it would get better after a while, and didn't want him to disturb and worry.After all, half a year ago, she had a short attack once or twice, and then quickly recovered inexplicably.So she said calmly, I slept well.Get up now. She just knew it would take time for her to get used to the vision.Sitting on the balcony with squinted eyes for a long time.The flowers and plants planted by Jian Sheng are growing vigorously and verdantly.She saw a misty green in her eyes and felt very peaceful.Use the whole morning to feel the sunshine warming up your body inch by inch.Do nothing.There is also almost no way to do it.Before you know it, it's noon.She heard Jian Sheng call her again in the kitchen, Huai, come to eat. She sat down to eat, her movements becoming cautious.Because everything I see is overlapping and blurred, I am afraid of breaking the bowl, afraid that he will know, and afraid that he will worry. At that time, he didn't know that Huai was so sick. In the evening, I still took Huai for a walk, but found that she started to try to hold my arm, and walked very slowly, with hesitation in her steps.Jian Sheng asked her, Huai, are you in pain again? no, no.Just wish it was a little slower.she says. This was the first time she walked with Jian Sheng's arm.Looks like a lover. From the past to the present, she also knows Jian Sheng's feelings for her.She used to think that she was a woman who had no hope for love, but after so many years, she never thought that the boy who fell in love with her would have such clear and decisive patience, and come back to her to spend life with her. And care, and care.She knew how complicated and deep this feeling was, and she couldn't express what she felt. Jian Sheng asked in her ear, are you tired from walking, Huai.If you don't want to go, we can go back to the movies.I bought a rare disc. He didn't know that his eyesight had become like this.And she didn't want him to know. What's the name of the movie? "blue".It's Derek Garman's Blue.I have been looking for it for a long time, and I saw it in the hands of a street vendor on the way back from the supermarket this afternoon.Just bought it. Is that the English painter? right.But he was more than just a painter.I have seen his "Garden" before, and "Elegy for the Field". Just like that, she sat beside him and saw the whole blue on the screen. From the beginning to the end, there was only this piece of blue, and there was only this piece of blue, and there was no other image. The sound of the hospital corridor, the sound of roll call in the waiting room, the sound of people’s footsteps, a short and piercing sound as if the machine was burning, the sound of sea waves... He has been narrating his memory and life in voice-over, saying His own broken shoes, talking about his friends, talking about his last days with AIDS, talking about the boredom in the waiting room, talking about the nurse sticking a needle in the vein of his right hand, talking about reading from the newspaper The news about the refugees... His peaceful and clear monologue was intermittently interspersed with the voices of many trivial matters in the world.He said softly, blue, blue. It's like calling a lover by the sea. Such a movie may not be liked by everyone, but it will always impress everyone.She asked Jian Sheng to check Garman's information and read it to her. The blue British man was a director as well as a poet, painter, botanist and gay rights activist.Born in Italy.I have been fond of painting since I was a child.Art exhibitions have been held in Japan and other places.Later dabbled in movies.Out of the painter's artistic sense, the films he shoots don't care about the narrative of the storyline at all, and then convey a subversive expression of avant-garde concepts. Died of AIDS in 1994. "Blue" is his last work.When he filmed "Blue", he was completely blind. He said, I want to make a movie, at least let people know what it is to die and what it is to live with AIDS.Then he leaves behind this film composed of voices and memories, and dies. People say that he is a genius, an icon of the gay community of that era, a pioneer experimenter who subverted the traditional form of film expression... He left in reviled and adored, only wrote in the last diary, sitting on a canvas chair, watching The sun went down, and watched the full moon rise in the evening light behind the lighthouse, reflecting the moonlight on the stones in the garden, and they could hear me singing softly in the kitchen. thereafter.People read such a sentence in his epitaph: I live in love. ——"Pearlfish in the Aegean Sea...deep waters, washing the island of death...in the gentle wind...the lost boy, sleeping forever...deep hugs, salty lips Kiss... Our names will be forgotten, no one will remember... On your grave, I will put a delphinium, a piece of blue..." See a film where the director refuses to show the image.He is already blind.His films are also blind.There are no characters, plots, scenes.It was blue, the color of the shroud, the color of silence, the color of crucifixion... and the color of the sky, the sea, and the delphiniums. People hear and see the world, and use it to perceive where they are.If an originally healthy person wakes up one day, he finds that he has lost all means to believe in the illusions presented by the world, and has become blind or deaf.Does this mean that you are directly approaching death? At the end of the movie, Huai only felt that he was forced to be reflected in a bright mirror, and seemed uneasy. haven't been there for a long time 6 One night in December of that year, she went to the bathroom to take a shower, and Jane was afraid that she would be cold, so she put a jar of very hot water for her. Do you need my help, Huai. She shook her head. Call me if you feel uncomfortable. it is good. She went into the bathroom to take off her clothes, and slowly sank her body into the water.The water was really hot, she lay in the bathtub, her whole body heated up quickly, she wanted to endure it, but after a while, she only felt that her chest was heavy and oppressed, and the heat was uncomfortably hot.So she went to open the cold water valve.When I tried to sit up and reached out to touch the switch, I found that it couldn't move.She was not without panic.Tried hard again and again, only to find that my legs were stiff, I couldn't use my strength, my arms were out of control, and my fingers couldn't move, as if I was tied to a plasterboard. Huai lay in the hot water, panic and anxiety welling up in his heart.Not reconciled, she moved again and again, causing loud splashes, but her body was out of control.She started calling him, Jian Sheng, Jian Sheng.His voice was extremely weak, as if there was a huge choke stuck in his throat, as if he was about to be unable to make a sound. Jian Sheng heard the commotion in the bathroom, came over and knocked on the door.How are you, Huai. The bathroom gradually became quiet, so quiet that he felt uneasy for a while. Can I come in, Huai.what happened to you. He didn't hear the answer and was even more frightened.After hesitating for a moment, he opened the door and went in. Huai lay in the bathtub, his face was pale by the heat, and his body was very stiff.She said, I want to turn on the cold water valve, but I can't move, Jane.Her voice was weak, and she shed tears before she could finish her words. Jian Sheng walked over to pick Huai up and felt that her whole body was completely stiff. This was the first time Jian Sheng approached her naked body, but he never thought it would be at such a straightforward and bleak moment.The body in front of him was broken and stiff, pale all over.Like an old plastic doll.He was so distressed that he couldn't bear to see it.Jian Sheng hugged her on the edge of the bathtub and helped her sit up, then wrapped her in two large bath towels, supported her with both hands, and carried her to the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and dried her, spread the quilt for her to lie down. With sudden heat and cold, Huai's limbs began to twitch violently.Jian Sheng sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her.Her pain, her cramping, her uncontrollable, her agony... The man burst into tears.He bent down and hugged her head to his chest, Huai, Huai.He calls her name. She twitched violently in his arms, unable to control herself.He hurriedly found out the baclofen pills, poured a glass of water tremblingly, and wanted to feed her to drink. Open your mouth, Huai...he almost begged in tears. Put the pill into Huai's mouth.Because of the convulsions and trembling of his body, Jian Sheng couldn't align the mouth of the cup with her lips.His own hands dangled involuntarily, and he gave her half a sip with difficulty, but he spilled half of the glass and wet the quilt. It's like holding a tear pot as thin as paper and as fragile as porcelain.Be careful and push hard.He stroked her back over and over again, asking her to be stable and to stop the pain. Huai, Huai.He called her softly.In my heart, I felt that the bitterness came so dark and so fast that it was almost unbearable. In the middle of the night, she gradually calmed down in Jian Sheng's arms.He could feel her tiredness and pain.It seemed that after a long struggle like this life, he was finally so tired that he closed his eyes and fell asleep quietly.He sat on the edge of the bed and slowly laid her down flat. Darkness and silence slowly covered. After that sudden attack, Jian Sheng sent her to the hospital because of fear.The doctor learned that she fell ill because of taking a hot bath with too high water temperature, and scolded Jian Sheng sharply.You almost killed her, you know.This is very dangerous for the condition. She will be examined and she will be observed in the hospital for a period of time. During those days in the hospital, the doctor changed the medication, and Huai's condition went into latent mode again, and he did not commit another crime.She insists on walking slowly and exercising for an hour every day, step by step. Every time she left the ward, Jian Sheng always accompanied her and carefully supported her because she couldn't let go of her worries.His patience and love made her feel too heavy and bulky, so that she always hesitated to accept it.This man is really an impossible person for her. While walking in the recuperative area of ​​the hospital, she said, I understand that you have to send me to the hospital for diagnosis and treatment before you can feel at ease, Jian Sheng.But in all fairness, as you know, it's just futile.Such a disease has complex etiology, and there is no accurate and effective therapy so far.I need to lie in bed every day and accept those unnecessary examinations, which are expensive and useless.I have been ill for many years since my divorce.totally used to it.But taking medicine and exercising can be done anywhere, and there is no need to live in the hospital with fear, Jian Sheng. When people are in good health and free from disease, they often ignore this great blessing, thinking that such blessings are something they should have.And even though I am in pain now, when I think about it carefully, there is nothing unbearable.After all, I've lived a healthy life for most of my life, and now that sanity is just about to be taken back. Jian Sheng, I don't want to just lie in the hospital for the rest of my life. But what do you want, Huai. Let's go to Lingxi, Jiansheng.I want to go and see there.Haven't been there for a long time. When did you come to Lingxi? 7 Jian Sheng, do you still remember when we first came to Lingxi? Remember.Summer vacation.You take our five painting children and ride the car all the way, and stop to sketch when you see a good scenery.I remember that day we climbed the mountain and stopped at the top to rest and draw.We children are very tired, we keep moaning and complaining, but you are very patient.The wind at the top of the mountain was very bitter. Standing there, I felt the coolness on my skin, and the fresh air penetrated my heart and lungs.It was evening when we came to Lingxi.The town faces the big lake, rests on the green hills, and streams pass through the city.We all had dinner together, and I went out for a walk alone, and because I was so happy, I forgot the time.You came to look for me, it was already night.We walked for a short walk together, and the moonlight was cool.Live there for a few days, and then you have to go up the mountain alone to see if there is a place suitable for sketching.I've been looking at you and want to go so badly.Later, you agreed to let me go up the mountain together, but I fell down halfway and was very embarrassed... Do you remember everything so clearly, Jian Sheng?I feel like I've gradually blurred those details.But there is always an impression in my mind, that is, it is quiet and safe there, with only large expanses of greenery.When she said this, she seemed to fall into a real memory, and her voice seemed to be lifted by the wind, drifting into the distance. On the way in the car, Jian Sheng and Huai talked intermittently.During the long drive, Huai fell asleep from time to time.Jian Sheng looked at her face calmly and soberly, but suddenly felt that he had fallen into the long dream. When he was young, he and Huai took an old and empty bus together, and slowly went deep into a certain lush and humid forest.Green vines sway by the window, dripping sweet dew.The sunlight turned green and shot into the dark compartment in columns.The icy sapphire-like wind slightly lifted the hair on Huai's temples. Huai, I miss you so much. The dream of that boyhood still stays in the distant summer.At this time, the mountains and forests in winter are shrouded in gloomy clouds and are a bit cold.The car windows were covered with mist, like a long-awaited morning meal.He held Huai's hand and looked at the cloud forest wistfully.Not a word. When we arrived at Lingxi, it was just at dusk.Against the backdrop of the tall mountains, the whole town fell into an indigo dusk.There are broken bean lights flickering faintly in the deep and narrow alleys, and the lights are reflected on the wet and bright stone road, like a stream of stars falling into the mortal world. The town was depressed.This place was not originally a scenic spot developed through tourism. It was winter and there were even fewer people.He and Huai lived in the farmhouse inn back then.Pass through the quiet courtyard dripping with rain, and walk up to the small building in the backyard.In their room, there are two clean wooden single beds, the walls are milky white, the beams and window lattices are all brown and black sandalwood, and they all smell the fragrance of time, which is extremely precious and ancient.Open the window, and you can see the flowing water and lanterns in Lingxi Town, which is quiet and serene. The tranquility of these years makes people see the beauty of life infinitely clearly.It is always necessary to wade through such a muddy and muddy road in order to taste the sweetness hidden in the deepest part of fate.Conversely, it is precisely because people are looking forward to such a moment that they live reluctantly.And this world becomes infinitely vast because everyone has to live in their own dreams.It is so vast that we have repeatedly lost the original dream and never pursued it. This kind of paradox is enough to summarize the life in all paradoxes. Huai, if I hadn't loved you, I wouldn't have been able to walk such a long way, through such a prosperous memory, to reach this world.It seems anxious and bewildered, but I always remember its beauty and kindness.I never shied away from the impossible between us.Because we are not a perfect couple in the eyes of the world.It can't even be called a couple.But you know, the love we can really give in this world is only one time, and the good we can really do is only that little bit, and the rest is left to ourselves to repair and mess with our own lives. .And if I don't have you, I will be obsessed and unwilling to live with myself, so I must have you in order to have perfection.So you don't have to feel that this feeling is groundless and huge, so that it is difficult to accept and believe.After all, in the final analysis, I am so willing and stubborn to bear my feelings for you, just to fill my own life.This should be a kind of benevolent selfishness, the truest but least known reason behind all grand feelings. As he walked that night, he said so. On this winter night, the sky and the earth are dense, with thick dark blue clouds looking up, swaying like singing above the night.They walked all the way through Lingxi's desolate streets, with the moonlight shining silently behind them. 8 During the few days when they were in Lingxi, they revisited the old place and walked around, feeling very moved.Bring dry food, take a ride to sit by the distant lakeside, and stay for a whole day.Jian Sheng carried his drawing board and paints and sketched all day long.Draw some simple gouache, or sketch with a pen. When you sit there and write, children are generally focused and innocent.She sat next to him with infinite joy and watched him draw.Feeling pity in his heart, he couldn't help but want to pat his head.Suddenly, he felt that he was still the boy who drew sketches in his art class during the summer vacation, sitting lonely and quietly in the corner, half of his handsome face was exposed behind the easel, and there was a lake-like sadness and affection in his eyes. He is unobtrusive, and a few strokes make a small work.Take it in front of Huai proudly like a child, do you like it?he always asks.Huai took his painting and looked at it seriously from a certain distance. What Jian Sheng didn't know was that Huai's double vision was so serious that what she saw was far from her own appearance. She was in a very good mood that day, and she invited him to climb the mountain, just like the time when she went to the mountain to collect scenery many years ago.Probably because no one has gone up the mountain for a long time, the road is wet and slippery, and some sections of the path have been buried by overgrown plants, leaving only a very narrow gap in the middle.This time it was Jian Sheng who walked in front of Huai. He stretched out his hand and said, come, Huai, come here. Huai reached out and placed his hand in his palm.How sad that the truth was reversed by time at this moment.Many years ago, she was walking in front of Jian Sheng just like this, and when she turned around, she found that the boy had just fallen down and got up, looking at her with a blushing face.She stretched out her hand and said, come, Jian Sheng, come here. Things are different.With emotion, she followed the man all the way up the mountain.Jian Sheng turned around and asked her repeatedly, do you want to rest, do you want to go back.She smiled and shook her head. She is tired and aching.But she kept her head down without saying a word, and insisted on walking, refusing to look back.The tall trees all over the mountain densely covered the gloomy sky above the head, and the forest was extraordinarily cold.The mist filled the air, and the sound of the birds' crowing echoed repeatedly, thin and melancholy. At the top of the mountain, they looked out at the familiar scenery.The green color of the mountains and forests in the south looks gray and vast in winter, covered with a faint layer of mist, which is not as dense and green as in summer.The cold wind howled, piercing through the heart and lungs.这一切风景在她眼中都只有一片模糊，影像交相重叠，像是拼接错位的胶片。这么久以来，她早就已经习惯这疾病带来的视觉效果，并且始终没有对人说起。但是她在那一刻不知为何，心中竟因无法看清这记忆的真相而涌起一阵无由的悲郁。那种心情钝重地击在心上，似有长久的震颤和回声无法平息。 他们并肩站了一会儿，各自沉默地怀着感慨的心事，一言不发。一如多年前那样。 Let's go and go back.she says. 那日深夜，她因为一日的爬山，腿又开始剧痛，感觉被死死箍紧，并且有针刺般的焦灼。她因疼痛而睡不着，在床上辗转反侧，却不肯出声，直到最后辗转得筋疲力尽，并且渐渐僵硬。 檀木窗外是深浓得不见五指的夜色，没有一点点光。她长时间地痛，痛到后来累得在疲乏地睡了过去。那夜格外漫长，她一次次醒来，天依然未亮，依旧是那样的黑暗，身体仿佛被这黑暗所压迫，不能动弹，于是她又一次次昏沉沉地睡过去。 兴奋地语无伦次 身边简生的声音响起，她听到他唤她的名字，淮，淮。 What's up? 你不舒服么？ fine.夜里有阵很痛，后来不知不觉睡着，也就没有什么感觉。 你还要再睡么，淮。 what time is it? It's ten o'clock. 十点了……？ 她就这么睁着眼睛，身处早上十点钟的天日，却一片黑暗，看不见任何东西…… 那个瞬间她心中涌起巨大的恐慌，伸出手无着地想要抓住什么，整个手臂却又再次不听使唤，手指更是不能活动。 她再也克制不住恐惧，泪水一下子就滚出来，格外地汹涌。简生看到她的手臂痉挛，惊慌地俯下身去，你怎么了，淮。 她过了很久，用纹丝般的细弱声音说，简生，我想……我可能是盲了。 9 他带着她匆匆离开玲溪的时候，下着漫天飞舞的冻雨。天色阴霾。她已经走不了路，是简生双臂托着她，在小镇的客运站，一步步挤过人群，狼狈地把她抱上了回去的客车。到了城市，又马不停蹄地把她送进医院。 他始终都记得那次仓皇的逃离。自己托着淮在车站嘈杂的人群中穿过的时候，觉得眼前都是幻象，一切都像是被按下静音的按钮，变得阒然无声。眼前只有和他一样张皇挣扎的苦楚的人们，晃动着求助的双手，被宿命踩在了脚底，孱弱而盲目地匍匐。 他陷落在这荒诞无情的世间，托着心爱的女子，无望并且焦灼，不知何去何从。 淮已经失明，送到医院时严重地肌肉强直，四肢不能动弹，言语不清。在医院，那个粗鲁并且没有耐心的护士只推来了一只冰冷的轮椅，对简生说，把她抱上去坐着。然后跟我过来缴费。 医院的走廊永远都冰冷，晦暗，冗长无尽，弥漫着浓重的过氧乙酸消毒水气味。简生坐在走廊边的凳子上，静默地注视着撞到脚边来的轮椅。它的钢架寒光凛凛，被粗暴地推过来的时候碰在凳子的铁架上，发出金属撞击的铿锵声，在医院的走廊上回荡。有无限空寂，与无情。 连续两日，淮的病情一直高频率发作。她的母亲带着妹妹，慌慌张张地从北方老家赶到医院来，当即毫不留情地被迫撞见不堪入目的一幕—— 淮躺在医院的病床上，不停地抽搐痉挛，口齿仿佛脑瘫病人一样含混不清，涎水不可自控地沿着下巴滴落，失明的双眼黯然无神地望着黑暗空洞的方向…… 简生一直抱着她的头，因为揪心而止不住地颤抖。 这是曾经如堇色山茶一般美好而辛香的淮。是他在那些树荫盛浓的夏日早早就到画室去等待，并且无数次在楼下彻夜为之徘徊的刻骨铭心的初恋。是在他绝望轻生时，未曾多虑便要把自己接到家里来细心照料关爱的女子。是母亲死后善意收留并且陪伴他直到成年的恩人，是自少年时代起便念念不忘的，他的爱。 她的善美，原本应该让她安然地活在一个男子的至死不渝的爱恋之中，直到毫无痛苦地沉睡在由美丽回忆铺成的天鹅绒温床上，安乐美满地告别这个人间。 而她先在却独自一人深陷在一个完全黑暗的盲的世界，因病痛而艰难挣扎。她的惨不忍睹，正如同刀刃一般锐不可当地捅入这个男子的瞳孔。 简生终于泪如雨下。 她那个夜晚的发作，成为此后的日子里十分常见的情形。由于病理造成的呼吸衰竭与心律骤停，已经有两次被送入抢救室抢救。 在那个冬天，在那段最后的日子里，离开病床，她每日所能赖以行动的，只有轮椅，以及简生托着她的双臂。 失去一切能力。每时每刻需要有人照顾。在病房的阳台上长时间的静默，然后会突如其来地开始发作。淮的神经受损状况急速恶化，没有任何药物能够挽救。 那夜萧寒。窗外刮风，玻璃一直颤抖。病房中只有煞白的灯光，外面的夜渐渐深了。到了睡觉时间，简生依旧把她从轮椅上抱起，放到床上去。托着她，看到她已经瘦得形销骨立，感觉她在自己手上轻得像一把憔悴邋遢的枯草。 她被抱起并且贴近简生胸膛的时候，简生听到她嘴里发出含混不清的声音。 她已经盲了，却执意要说出什么。简生将她放到床上，然后一次次俯下身去，将耳朵贴在她的嘴唇上，希图能够听清她的言语。但是除了含混不清的喉音，他什么都听不到。 淮黯然无神的黑眼睛里滚出灼热的泪水。那么的烫。声音越来越细弱，渐渐消亡。简生跪在床边，握着她冰凉的手。 你要说什么，淮，你要说什么…… 他胸腔中有强大静默的力量缓缓压迫下来，压迫他直到深深地伏下身躯，埋下头去。那个时刻他亦是盲，并且失聪的。 就这样他又看到她。 在今生开始的那一个瞬间里，在被蓊郁绿色所漂染的少年时代伊始的夏天，他第一次去找她。 少年紧张地来到她的家门前，轻轻地叩敲。她披一件随意的深色坠质睡衣，嘴里叼着的一枝炭笔，手里抱着一卷卡纸，另只手腾出来开门。His hair was pulled up, his neck was long and his collarbone protruded like a thin teenager.面孔上的轮阔干净清晰。The complexion is white, like the Magnolia blooming downstairs.身上有着植物的辛香。 她表情诧异地望着这个心绪紧张的少年。 少年忐忑不安地问，我可以不可以到你的班上去学画画？ 她愣了一下，微笑着说，当然可以。 少年竟兴奋地语无伦次。谢谢，谢谢…… i'll take you home 10 是否亲自见过死亡。 你透过玻璃，亲眼看到她躺在那里。又开始剧烈而又无力地抽搐。因为头部剧痛而在那里孤独无依地发出最后一声嘶哑吟唤。早已不能说话。盲。涎水淌出，小便失禁，丧失自控。身体被迫裸露，气管被插入。接满了管子，连上周围布满的仪器。持续地进行心肺复苏。This is already the third time. 脑室角白质严重病变。髓鞘病灶硬化发白。她已经失去知觉，无法恢复。只有呼吸机苟延着气息灌入，与呼出。护士拿着一纸病危通知，找家属。把笔塞在老人手上，让她补上签字。 老人尚且握着笔在那里颤抖，虚软。你去搀扶她。 十分钟之间，她出现了最后一次心跳。几丝自主呼吸。 二十分钟之后，瞳孔放大。心跳和呼吸全部停止。她安静下来。不在挣扎并且痛苦。闭着眼睛躺在那里。如同是安睡。 三十分钟之后，医生放弃。拆掉仪器，各种紊乱的导管。把白色被单拉上，覆盖她的身体。然后他们正在向你走过来。 可是为什么，那夜只要你一闭上眼，便可看见她的脸。 看到她在你的生命中刻下的印迹。那些时时刻刻。那是当她还活着的时候，给过你的记忆，和那些轻缓稀薄的肢体触觉。包括所有言不由衷之间，彼此最为哽咽的愧对与遗憾。那是亲人般的深深印刻。而她的那张鲜活的脸，以及曾经抚摸过你面颊的手，已经遁入冰冷，与最彻底的生之丧失。 她离开之前依然没能够留下任何的话语。她的走，阙如了当，十分干净。一如她的生。 在医院中，简生当即得知她的死。那个瞬间他却一直是站定那里，连泪都未落。 淮病重之时，他不是没有为之生悲而泣下。然而她此番彻底离世，他却能够淡然担当起来。只觉得一切太过迅疾和不真，如同是一面因为仓促捏造而漏洞百出的假象，容易让人一笑置之，就此忽略。亦仿佛是得知她彻底告别了病痛，放下心来。 是否意识中，觉得她始终还是在那里，因此不觉得悲伤。抑或，那种大悲抵达某种内心深处的底线，一如大爱无言，大言稀声，反倒静寂下来，只能在日后漫长漫长的岁月中抱怀思切。 淮被两个因为惯见生死而面无表情的医护人员推向太平间。沿着走廊，淮平平稳稳地渐渐消失，万分安详。仿佛穿越通道，便可以抵达另一个更为美好的世界。她缓缓地经过简生的身边的时候，他没有靠近，站定那里，目光一直胶着在上面，胸中只有深海海底一样的至静，与无光。 倒是淮的母亲和妹妹悲痛难以自制。老人瘫软在走廊的座椅上，痛哭流涕，其情其景让人揪心。他心不忍，良久之后，便走到她面前蹲下来，把老人背起，走出医院。 那夜是寂静沌重。无风，无月。稀疏寥落的星辰钉在夜幕，闪着极微弱的光。他背着淮的母亲在路边站着等计程车，要带她们回家去歇息。 已经是凌晨。而这个倦意的人间还未苏醒。 11 十一月的北京下初雪。叶蓝从英国给卡桑电话，告诉她圣诞节假期回来看她。她在电话里说，去妇幼医院住着，卡桑。现在就去。 她在这边回答，好，好。你尽可放心。 她在医院独自待产。身边的年轻准妈妈们大都有大群亲人陪在身边，但她并不觉得有何羡慕。已经觉得非常安心和满足。这总比临产前一个小时还要在加德满都一家小餐馆里切洋葱要好。 那日她还在床上昏昏沉沉睡着，便觉有人抚她的脸。她睁开眼睛看见叶蓝。一瞬间快乐而欣喜，伸手去抓住叶蓝的手腕。 你回来了，叶蓝。 她又是坐着长时间的飞机从地球另一边迫不及待回来，只为来看望她。卡桑深知，这般的挂心和真切，若是一个情人，还可以用热恋的感情来解释。但她只是年少时的一个朋友。这样做，不知有多难得。 叶蓝俯下身来，亲吻她的额。脸上有舒展开来的笑容。她一直都是那么美。 孩子出生那夜，又是下大雪。她只是筋疲力尽，心中并无欣喜。尤其看到他刚刚来到世间，小得如同一只鼠，不甚堪怜，身上满是粘液与血，皮肉完全皱皱巴巴，糨糊般血肉模糊的一团，拿在手里，只有两只巴掌大小，给人以触目惊心之感，亦十分突兀…… yes.当他被洗净，并且长大一些，皮肉绷紧，由洁白柔软的毛巾包裹着抱到面前，便可以看见幼嫩娇美的婴儿的面目，或许会令人不由自主无限宠爱。但是，无论如何，在降生的时刻，那种不堪入目的场面，竟就是生命最初的直白面目。人可以选择没有疼痛，鲜血，和号哭的死，但却不得不选择充满疼痛，鲜血，号哭的降生…… 她闭上眼睛，涌起阵阵难以名状的苦楚。心中清清楚楚知道这是一种作孽。她的一路流离和决绝，没有资格就这样继承给这个孩子的宿命。这幼小生命注定不能够接受父亲的爱抚，她亦未曾有丝毫准备，不能够给他圆满生活，甚至没有一个家，为他安一只摇篮……不知以后的日子将如何走下去。 她情绪大起大伏，突然流泪。 那三个日夜，她因极度疲乏，不断昏睡过去，然后又醒来。但凡只要她闭上眼睛，就会见到故乡的大地。是母亲尚在的时候，背着年幼的她转经。她趴伏在母亲宽厚的背上，感到胸口温暖，是盛大的属于母亲的体温。母亲的每次俯身与站直的交替之间，她都觉得微微晕眩，有小小的刺激。燎烈的日光将蓝色的苍穹掀得很高。光线从头顶盛气凌人地泼下来，灼灼发烫，煞白刺目，睁不开眼睛。 雪后初霁，天明了。窗外光线强烈地照射进来，一地亮白，真朗清晰。时间还停留在那里。她却真切感觉到母亲的手就放在她额上，温和摩挲。 就这样她睁开眼睛，看见辛和与叶蓝坐在身边。辛和的手轻轻抚过她的脸，有无限温存怜惜，动人心意。 她说，卡桑，你还好吗。我来接你回家。 卡桑定定地看着她的脸，一时间张口无言，因为内心震动而眼中隐约有泪充盈。 我来接你回家，卡桑。 需要是迥然不同的 12 离开家的一年，你是否过的好，卡桑。she asked. 这该如何说起。毕竟是她自己选择从学校离开，跟随一个几近陌生的男子辗转多个地方，最后怀着身孕，流落在加德满都的一家小旅店干活儿，有过艰苦与顺受，但始终还是要离开。 这种流离，最初始于灵魂的饥馑以及对于追索的兴致，终究会疲倦下来并且落得狼狈。身处之中，并不觉得惘然。此去经年时间短暂，回述起来却又觉冗长。卡桑看着母亲，想不好怎么回答。 于是她反问辛和，你还好吗。 她自是能够预料，在简生离开之后一段极致冷寂的时间里，辛和始终保持单身生活。活在爱中的女子，大都是如此的。 彼时她狂热地工作，整日整日将自己关在暗房中做黑白反转片负冲，其中加入许多自己独创的技术，反反复复试验。偏执地追求那种非凡效果，却无数次因为微小疏忽，前功尽弃，然后重头又来。在挂满了晾片的红色房间，用一只计时器精确量化着每一遍操作的时间，三分钟，五分钟三十秒……人站在那里，却已经不知道几点，头脑中有模糊的记忆隐隐显现，抑或什么也没有……有时候默然之间，眼泪无动于衷滴在定影液里。待走出暗房，天已经黑了。 在家中的厨房拉开冰箱寻找速食品。独自在沙发上坐着吃，感到饥饿，却吃不下去。 长时间在卫生间洗澡。家中回荡着空阔的哗哗水声。 凌晨的时候，走到房间睡下去。关灯。只有夜的身影无声无息躺在身边。 黑暗是沉睡，梦境，以及安宁的底色。黑暗不等于阴暗。黑暗是无限盛大的宽容，犹如一股眼泪般怆然的温暖，足以厚重地包裹内心。 她已经觉得自己是与光相悖的女子。 那日是叶蓝找到她的家门口来，告知她卡桑的艰难处境，请求她去医院将卡桑接回家来。辛和听完，未曾有过丝毫犹豫，便随同叶蓝去找她。 将卡桑迎接回家，安置她住进原来的房间，又去买来婴儿床，放在床边。家里添置起许多的婴儿用品，有孩子的啼哭和人说话的声音，食物，毛巾，衣服，奶瓶，一次性尿布，锅盆碗盏……咋咋呼呼热闹起来。一下子就完全不再是单身生活时的寥落寂静的样子。 她暗调生活秩序被打断，并且重新被光所照耀。她耐心对待这流离无家的女儿。包括那个刚出生的男孩。辛和自己一直没有孩子，捧着这陌生薄弱的幼小生命，凝视之中总是不知不觉便感到心酸。 她喜爱孩子，为照顾新生儿，连摄影室的事情都放弃。白天夜里孩子都在睡觉，到了深夜他反而精神好。他一啼哭，便马上要醒来照看他是不是饿了，是不是渴了，是不是尿布湿了不舒服。折腾几次，好不容易哄着他安静了下来，天就已经蒙蒙亮。一种小心翼翼的惊扰和担忧，因内心深处的无限宠爱，也就甘愿付出。使这无知幼小的生命，不受世间的冷暖所染指，端然成长，无忧无虑。 卡桑获得庇护与安宁。又一次飞进这由善意与恩情构筑起来的巢穴，一如她身边这幸运的婴儿。回到这家里，如同回到旧日好时光。那曾是她至今走过的路途中最为安宁美好的一段生活。从窗帘的缝隙之中漏出的束束日光照射进来，混合着家中温暖的床单被褥的味道，以及这个新生婴儿身上的甜香，构成一种幻觉般的安谧。这突如其来的福祉。 不知这是不是宿命的又一个圆圈，绕回起点。 凌晨时孩子安静睡过去了，两个人却再睡不着。坐在那边，便断断续续说些话。卡桑问及简生的事情。辛和面色暗淡下来，露出失意，又有顺受。 我并非瞬间就能安宁面对你们离开的现实。个中自有悲伤难以自制的过程。此后的日日夜夜，我反复思量，越来越觉得他值得原谅，并且十分可怜。他本身就是个欠缺软弱的男子，因而一个完整的男子所应承当的全部责任，他承当起来力不从心。他内心没有一种足够成熟的钝重和释然来获得遗忘并且告别，却又心地善良，因此把自己逼迫到一个尴尬的位置。这又也许是他性格注定，与成不成熟并无关联。直到他在商议离婚的时候，面对有些事情，思维逻辑还十分单纯而且理想化。 而我亦因为对他的爱，而终究彻底原谅一切。依旧万分思念他。我不知道是不是已经永远失去简生。不知道是不是他真的再也不会回来。但我希望不要如此。因某种程度上，我知道他在内心珍重过我。并且需要我。如同我需要他。这两种需要是迥然不同的。但是却会因为这种相互渴求，彼此走到一起，走过这么久。 卡桑，你是知道的。我这样爱他。 一直都在等你归来 13 窗台上的植物都已经因为一段时间无人照料浇水而枯死。简生一盆盆把它们清理掉。这一切曾经都是他亲手为她所种下。常言道人非草木，草木无情。而淮离开之后，冥冥之中这些植物竟然也随之而去。这其中的牵挂隔扯，引人暗自神伤。 在等待火化的那几日，简生在家中一边照顾淮的母亲和妹妹，一边将家中所有东西清理收拾。小到影集书信，大到电器家什，一一整理。 他将淮的画作从陈年的箱子中一件件取出来。用手指轻轻抚掉上面的柔软灰尘。那些铅灰已经被磨灭至模糊的素描，纸张发黄，边缘粗糙的未上框的小幅油画，颜色有些变灰。他谨慎缓慢，一件件过目。犹如耐心地探询时光的断层之中那些零碎岩屑。 物品不知如何处理之时，问及老人。老人说，全都卖掉就是，什么都不必留下。这个家中原本就清清平平，女儿已走，不愿留着遗物睹物思情。 怀念是生命中最无能为力的事情。并且卑微。行至命途中诀别的关隘，逝者之去，生者奈何不得。而生者终将化作逝者，如此才构成了世间的轮回与延续。 简生曾经后悔如此匆忙就把她送回医院。若能够让淮安睡在玲溪的流水潺潺灯影憧憧之夜，安睡在他目光的环抱之中，该是多么的了无遗憾。 他得知即将彻底离开，于是去看望母亲。 霪雨霏霏之晨，他独自站在那里，依旧是在母亲面前放下一株洁白的紫罗兰。墓碑背后刻下的四字铭文泛着苔绿阴青，苍遒寂静。一切言语都是惘然。 自古有言，厚养薄葬。要在亲人生前懂得对其付出原谅与珍爱，如此到了末路，才能阙如了当，于心无悔。无论多么盛大隆重的葬礼，都无法弥补生之遗憾。他是涉过了几十年光阴，行将中岁，才知晓这背后的寓意何等之深。未曾想到，对待母亲的欠缺，在淮的身上弥补过来。 母亲生前对自己的深意，因了一直被多舛的命运所覆盖在暗中，所以变得面目不堪。待他明白之时，一切太迟。亦因此只能怀抱遗憾，且留呜咽。人总是如此。 他默默端详母亲良久，跪下叩首。然后起身离去。 春节将至。将房产和遗物处理妥当，向再也了无牵挂的城市作别，然后他便与淮的亲人一道，携骨灰回乡。彼时他已经没有钱来买三张飞机票，于是只能坐拥挤的火车。两个昼夜的行驶，车轮与铁轨接榫处相碰，铮铮有声，每一下都击打在心上。 经历一些静水流深之事，缓缓地在生命的荒原上陷入时间的流沙，万劫不复直至窒息。一种圆满而洁净的救赎。列车上，简生在疲乏与嘈杂中黯然陷入沉睡。再也没有梦魇。再也没有不甘。却也再见不到绿色蓊郁的密林，以及露水里倒映着的森森晨光。他终于随之慢慢泅渡到彻底明净的彼岸。 但我依旧想念你。Huai. 14 简生回到北方。但凡一踏上这苍劲的北方大地，他便从心底感觉如归。淮被安葬在老家的坟地。葬礼朴素，凄切却又安然。他只记得心怀哀悼之间，抬头见到飞鸟划破苍穹，黑色的纸烟粉尘在飞舞。天空微微泛寒，风声幽咽。 岁末，是人是事，皆都已经完满地安定下来。他终于放下心。毕竟自己尽力做完一件善好的事情，有始有终，足以了却一切牵挂，心中空阔安祥。 而此后的去处，他不是没有细细思量过。笑想若现在换作正当少年，他说不定莽撞着心思要随淮一同离开尘世。但现在毕竟走过些人间路，心已沉淀下来，便开始懂得，生是比死更加艰难的事情，却也因这艰难而更加值得珍重。身上已经沾染着他人的感情交付与恳切思念，又欠着深深情意，脱身离去，自然是不仁不义。但凡只有勇敢担当起生之负荷与优美的人，其死才将有所附丽。 心中没有什么多余的犹疑，自然而然想到回家。若说他此生的感情交付与枕边相伴之人总是