Chapter 10 "Light from the Earth" Mother loses her patience

mother loses patience (1) 7 Growing up with Huahua, the slowness seems to make my mother lose patience.My mother is going into menopause soon.And he soon hit puberty.It's a really frustrating combination.In the following days, Jian Sheng's personality was inherently taciturn, but his mother's personality became more and more anxious.Often, Jian Sheng looked at his mother without saying a word, and she kept silent, gritted her teeth and kept doing things.The more silent his mother was, the more Jian Sheng could feel the anxiety in her heart, as if it might erupt at any time.His mother was moody, and later on, Jian Sheng sometimes deliberately annoyed his mother, gaining a sense of revenge from her tearful cries.He himself felt a sharp pain in his heart.This is completely morbid.

From then on, Jian Sheng would hear her mother cursing someone's name in a very low voice while suppressing her throat when she was doing things alone.The suppressed but unconcealed hatred made the gnashing of teeth sound creepy.At other times, when cooking in the kitchen or taking a shower in the toilet, my mother let out exaggerated and long sighs.The voice was full of her boredom and disappointment in the world, and she was very irritable.He felt chills in his bones at his mother's sigh.At that time, Jian Sheng usually hides in his room very bored, sits alone with his legs curled up for a while to calm his fear, and then begins to guess for no reason who the mother is cursing secretly, and why she is so sad to sigh...

The young Jian Sheng grew up anxiously amidst such guesses and fears. Mother has always resented.All her life, she had never had any kind of inner satisfaction.At that time, Jian Sheng had no sympathy for his mother's endless complaints. She also never clearly expresses the source of her resentment to her son.Nor can he ask.If you are a relative, these things have become taboos. As a teenager he was obsessed with having this confrontation with his mother.When the situation was seriously irreparable, Jian Sheng was still only very bluntly disappointed occasionally. However, before this dull and numb disappointment, he tried to save it.

That was not long after returning to the city, when I was thirteen years old. Jian Sheng learned of his mother's birthday from his mother's ID card.He went out and bought a gift—a scarf—and wrapped it up to give to his mother on her birthday morning. It was a Sunday morning, he remembered vividly.He had to learn to paint that day, so he woke up early in the morning.After waking up, Jian Sheng didn't wash his face and brush his teeth, but ran to the door of his mother's room with a present in his arms.However, when he pushed open the half-covered door and was about to shout out, he was dumbfounded to find two naked bodies lying together. The muscles on the man's back were excitedly active due to the force, in a posture that made him unbelievable. active.They were too involved to notice Jian Sheng immediately: so Jian Sheng held his breath and gently closed the door.

At that time, he didn't know exactly the truth about lust, and he didn't know what his mother was doing with him. He even heard his mother's faint laughter.But he still felt great terror and shame.Jian Sheng gently went back to his room and squatted down with his legs circled to calm down.A few minutes later, the mother came in suddenly, and she wept in a panic and hugged Jian Sheng tightly—he was so caught off guard that he couldn’t even breathe—from the mother’s arms, she saw the man putting on his shirt in embarrassment, grabbing Jian Sheng. out the door. The mother carried Jian Sheng to the bed and asked him nervously, what did you see...you...

Jian Sheng thought about it, and lied for the first time in his life: I didn't see anything. Mother didn't seem to hear, or care, about his obvious lie.The mother began to talk on her own, intermittently monologue about her depression that was exactly the same as that of all the women who fell in love in the world, but her feelings were more closed and tragic.The mother said to her son who had only been with her for a year, you can't understand because you are young... Actually, it's really nothing... Mom loves him... He must also love me... Your father left so soon after a long time...

While talking, my mother burst into tears again. And the young Jian Sheng was completely tired of his mother's tears from that time on. This choked up, vague sentence after many years was the only confession he had ever heard from his mother about her love life.From then on, all he could remember was his mother's life filled with resentment against all kinds of people, including his father. mother loses patience (2) My mother would occasionally tell her very calmly about a man like my father. When he was young, he wore a white shirt with half-rolled sleeves and blue indanthrene trousers.With pale and bluish skin and the beauty of a poet.But also selfish, split personality.In the age of poets, at the age of eighteen or nineteen, my father and mother were driven by fate to the northern countryside as educated youths, and my mother fell in love with his childish and extravagant talent—he was a young poet.During those desolate years, they had the same desolate love, but in the end, shortly after Jian Sheng was born, he abandoned it with his own hands.

Those years were buried in the hometown of Beiguo, the rolling mountains and forests of the Xiaoxing'an Mountains and the snow-covered icy lake were silent in the sad and distant dusk.Except for the blue sky and clear moon in the northern country that is so far away that it is no longer real, the land and the youth and passion on the land have been completely abandoned by the current social values, and that memory is useless except for destruction. The mother often complained meaningfully about the hard-heartedness of men, using the example of the father.Don't trust men, she said.They are selfish towards Qin Muchu, and they are cold-blooded people who can abandon their children with their own hands.

The young Jian Sheng is only tired of such grievances.At that time, he was still an ignorant child, and his mother's pessimistic way of dealing with the world deeply affected his understanding of the world.Before stepping into this world to experience the warmth and coldness of the world, just after his innocent and carefree childhood in the countryside, his mother came out of nowhere and repeatedly complained, tirelessly instilling in him hatred for her world, and repeatedly admonishing him that this The indifference and ruthlessness of the world exceeded his imagination... Mother is bitter.Apart from Jian Sheng, she has no one else to confide in her bitterness and grievances.It's not her fault either.

But he was still a child after all.This is indeed unacceptable to him.Also unwilling to accept. He himself was a son, and he was destined to grow into a man.And his mother's endless complaints about the male role and criticism of the world made him lose his value direction.In this regrettable world, he has no father himself, and a son who has never had a father as a male role model, living with a mother whose personality is completely distorted by encounters, usually wonders what kind of role he should be. is dazed. On that Sunday morning, he was full of joy to congratulate his mother on her birthday, but he encountered such an embarrassing scene for his mother.He was carried to the bed by his mother, and he listened to her long monologue about her ambiguous grievances and grievances with those men.

Jian Sheng didn't listen to a word, only felt deeply ashamed, like sitting on pins and needles, like a light on his back.From the perspective of his age and level of understanding, sex in bed is already an intolerable and shameful thing, not to mention that the man is not his father. For the first time, Jian Sheng rudely interrupted the grieving mother who was still immersed in the monologue. He said, don't tell me these things.I also want to paint.I'm leaving. He did go.Bringing unparalleled disappointment to each other, and at the same time giving each other disappointment.He was, and so was my mother.And that scarf, until the end, still hadn't been given away. Later, he accidentally ran into scenes where his mother was with a strange man several times.But he no longer had the initial panic and fear.He was still heartbroken, but he walked away calmly, then closed his door, quietly doing homework and reading, and drawing more often.I was so tired that I fell on the table, but my heart felt sad.powerless. In the long time since then, the words between them have nothing but "come out to eat" and "how is your school work". Mother is still in line with the responsibilities of a traditional parent, as long as she is free, she will repeatedly tell him his grades and homework.And as it happens, that's exactly what he's tired of.He got bad grades.Going home with the test papers, you will inevitably be scolded. After being scolded, he became numb, so numb that he would no longer feel sad for being scolded.Even after being slapped a few times, he returned to his room with a gloomy face.The door slammed shut.Never come out again. Because they are relatives connected by flesh and blood.So many words become taboo instead.Communication is shame, intimacy is shame.The only way to express our love for each other is to express our love for each other by demanding and slandering each other.What a sad fact. For a long time, Jian Sheng has never known the truth behind his mother's affair with others.And the only thing Jian Sheng can clearly know is that he no longer has any hope for this family, and no longer has any hope for his mother, even though he has witnessed her aging at a sad and rapid rate. Someone once said that if a child is disappointed with his family, he will be disappointed with the world.