Chapter 9 "Lamp of the Earth" Jian Sheng's Fate

Jane's fate (1) 6 This was the summer when Jian Sheng's fate had a major reversal. Back in the city, his mother sent him to the best school for junior high school.At school, because of his strong northern accent and rural temperament, he became an outlier among his classmates.The ridicule and isolation made it difficult for him to face.The education received in the rural elementary school, after coming here, the grades are naturally very bad.Since then, he has become more and more tired of studying, and has extreme fear of classrooms, classmates and teachers.I often sit on the edge of the playground for a long time, watching those lively classmates play football and fight, thinking repeatedly in my heart why my mother would abandon her for no reason, and then bring myself back to the city at an inappropriate time .

He affirms that he is suffering.More and more silent.I began to sit quietly under the row of poplar trees on the edge of the secluded back playground for a long time, missing my mother-in-law and the carefree life in the northern countryside, until I wanted to cry.When I got tired of thinking, I bought a lot of comic books with the pocket money my mother gave me, and read them one after another.Don't know homework, and won't.Hate the classroom, hate teachers and classmates.He couldn't understand a word of the dialect spoken by the teacher and his classmates, and when he opened his mouth, he was laughed at and maliciously imitated by his classmates.

He doesn't attend classes and studies poorly.The head teacher couldn't bear it anymore, and invited the parents to ask her to take Jian Sheng back. On the night when she was sued by the teacher for absenteeism, my mother was still busy with work outside and came home very late.Jian Sheng was too scared to turn on the lights at home, and he didn't eat. He was already very hungry.After the mother entered the door, she already had a tired and irritable face, as if frosted.She hastily warmed up some of the leftovers, and placed the bowls and plates on the table heavily, her voice harsh.She said sharply, get the chopsticks by herself and eat quickly.

He took the chopsticks obediently, picked up the bowl silently, and swallowed in big mouthfuls. At that time, the sky outside was completely dark, and the light from the small chandelier in the dining room was dim, making him look extremely tired, as if he was about to fall asleep.That was the first time my mother stretched her face and spoke to Jian Sheng.In her impression, she remembered that the chopsticks in her mother's hand stayed in the air for a long time with the vegetables in her hands, and her left hand was holding the edge of the bowl with great force, as if the porcelain could be broken immediately.

The atmosphere was unnervingly rigid.Like most of the days that followed. In the end, my mother said in a word, your father abandoned you when we left there, and I know you don't remember.But for so many years, I can't forget the grief when our car went farther and farther, and I couldn't even see you.Back then, I was also forced to let go of you because of life.This is the sin of being a mother, and bringing you back now is to make up for you.Food and lodging for you, clothes, shoes, schoolbags, school, everything is bought in exchange for money. The money was all spent by my mother when she was wandering in Nanyang, and I bought it with shame...

How do you know my suffering as a woman at such a young age?From now on, only you and your mother will be left at home.If you are disobedient, life will be hard for anyone.Our family cannot be compared with others.Your father is sorry for you, now I am taking care of him on his behalf, raising you by myself, being both a father and a mother.Even if you don't know this kind of suffering, you still have to be sensible, and don't act like other children, don't make trouble for me. No more playing truant from school. Mother's tone was irritable and her words were cold.Jian Sheng stared dumbfounded at the turbulent tears that pooled on his mother's thin chin and fell down tick-tock, just like the strings of raindrops falling from the eaves of his mother-in-law's old house when it rained.His mother's voice, choked with crying, frightened him.

After listening to what his mother said in silence, he gently put down his rice bowl, walked into his small room without saying a word, and slowly closed the door.Then he squatted down against the door and hugged his knees, desperately suppressing his voice and crying silently.He felt very cold. There was no sound in the dining room.After a long time, when Jian Sheng was tired from crying, he heard a sharp bang.It was the mother who lost her temper and threw the bowl.Jian Sheng was startled by the sudden loud noise.I just feel extremely scared.Before he could recover, there was another slamming sound of the door.Mother rushed out the door.

This was the first time my mother lost her temper.After that time, Jian Sheng became obedient and well-behaved, but became more and more silent.In order to make him keep up with his classmates in grades, his mother specially hired a private tutor for him to make up lessons; his mother asked him to learn calligraphy because he couldn't write simple words well; Supplementary English... Besides, my mother didn't know how to express her deep expectations for him. She grew up in an era when there were no books to read, and the barrenness of education made her good years wasted in the countryside.She has a kind of eagerness unique to the parents of the third generation, that is, she is stubborn and impatient to do her best, investing the greatest educational capital so that her children can receive the best training.Rather than cultivating the next generation, it is better to say that it is to compensate for the lack of educational conditions in my youth: it seems to see children studying in the best classrooms, playing a good piano, or being admitted to a prestigious brand University, you can make your youth full of regrets come back to life, and fulfill your long-cherished wish, otherwise you will die with regret.

And the "gap" in Jiansheng's growth in the past twelve years forced his mother to become more impatient about his desire to cultivate him.She gave him all good conditions, but if Jian Sheng didn't accept anything, it would break the poor mother's heart.Jian Sheng tried to express his reluctance, but after facing his mother's tearful persuasion again and again, he began to know that resistance was useless.In its place is passive resignation. He no longer sits on the playground thinking about those headaches every day, but since he sits in the classroom, he no longer speaks a word.When the teacher called his name to answer the question, he stood up and did not speak, making the teachers go from angry to impatient to finally not calling his name at all; when the arrogant group leader came to collect his homework, he silently Hand over the empty notebook.Then wait for the teacher to scold.Under the impact of those teachers' words, he has no enthusiasm for learning, and his emotions are very resistant, so his grades are naturally not good.Because he doesn't like the piano, he never practiced it after school.On weekends, his mother asked him to practice the piano well, and then he went to work or socialize.He stays at home reading comic books, uses childish tricks, pulls the flannelette covering the piano, flips the sheet music and throws it on top, so that his mother looks like he has practiced it when he comes back, and then draws freely at home. painting.Every time I had piano lessons, the teacher was very helpless. When my mother listened to the teacher's sighs, she was naturally annoyed. She often scolded her after returning home from piano lessons.While scolding, my mother often told Jian Sheng in tears how much she liked music when she was young.She ramblingly said that at that time, due to her poor family background, she never had the opportunity to get in touch with music, and a family next door had a handmade dulcimer. Going to knock on that dulcimer, I always sneaked into other people's house again and again with the cheek, knocked secretly for a while, slipped out after knocking, and slipped in again after a while... so that the family was completely lost in the end. Tired of always locking the door.With this, my mother said to Jian Sheng sternly, look, Jian Sheng, you have such good conditions, but you never know how to cherish them, it really chills me.

Every time he heard such words, Jian Sheng always bit his lips and did not answer.Tears rolled in the eyes.While her mother endlessly complained that Jian Sheng made her feel chilled, she didn't know that Jian Sheng also felt chilled by such a life.He began to see that his mother almost wanted him to realize his unfulfilled dreams when he was young-whether it was the opportunity to receive education or the opportunity to develop special skills-he became the second youth that his mother used to fill his own regrets, He imposed all the unfulfilled wishes of his youth on Jian Sheng: twelve years after Jian Sheng was born.

At the end of childhood, in the first days when he returned to his mother, he never seemed to experience the kind of tenderness and pampering he imagined his mother should have.He then firmly believed that a real mother should not be like his own mother.Although Jian Sheng never said it clearly, the most painful thing for him for a long time is why his mother gave birth to him and abandoned him, and then brought him back to suffer. He began to secretly resist his mother's instructions.When his mother made many demands on him, he also made the same demands on his mother.However, they are all limited to material things—just like his mother's requirements for him are only learning and piano.In a way, he began to express his hatred desperately in this way. Jane's fate (2) Those were the darkest days of Jian Sheng's growing up.His only motivation to go to school is the two art classes a week.He still remembers that the beautiful young art teacher asked everyone to take out their drawing books and draw whatever they liked in the first class.Some students draw mothers, some students draw grasslands, some students draw toys, and some students draw cakes.And Jian Sheng used crayons to draw his mother-in-law's old house, Huang Hu, and he also wanted to draw the crystal clear reed pond and fish, and the ice lake filled with heavy snow in winter... as well as roe deer, wild ducks, water birds, pelicans, and sorghum fields , cornfields, or wild geese returning to the south... He wanted to draw so many things that he was still working on the second picture when the bell rang after class, and he hadn't finished drawing the things he liked.The students left one after another.When the teacher came to collect the notebooks, he asked him patiently, do you want to continue drawing?Then come to my office and let's draw together.The teacher spoke a northern dialect, which sounded very familiar to him. He doesn't speak.Nod obediently.After packing up my things, I followed the teacher to the office. School is over in the afternoon.The setting sun diffused over the wall full of creepers, and the dim light in the office was neatly cut and scattered all over the ground.Jian Sheng lay on the table tirelessly drawing and drawing, he had completely forgotten that there was a teacher by his side.The teacher did not speak, and waited patiently for him to finish. He finally finished drawing four pictures, satisfied, his head covered with fine sweat.His arms were pressed against the table, already leaving watermarks of sweat and heat.He gave the picture to the teacher.It was hard for him to forget that the teacher immediately gave him an expression of surprise and praise full of praise.The young and beautiful face of the teacher left a deep impression on him, against the peaceful glow of that day, it became the only memory of happiness that happened after he left his hometown.Finally, the teacher said, if you paint well, you will definitely become a painter! After returning home that day, Jian Sheng said to his mother, I want to learn to draw.Mother asked, why?He said, because the teacher praised me today, saying that if I draw well, I will definitely become a painter! My mother was busy with work all day, feeling irritable and tired, so she just said with a blank face, oh.yes. After a long silence, my mother said again, what about your piano. Jian Sheng said, I don't like piano.I don't want to learn piano. My mother said, then the piano I spent so much money on for you has become garbage.Do you think mother's money is picked from the side of the road? Jian Sheng bit his lip and remained silent.After a while, he muttered in a very small voice, you didn't ask me what I wanted to learn before. Mother said angrily, why do you always say such emotionless words?you…… The words choked to her lips, and the mother stopped, and then she seemed to be crying to him again with tears in her eyes. Jian Sheng was already tired of seeing this kind of scene with his mother.He couldn't bear it and said, I will never say that I don't like it easily when I learn painting this time. Mother's face was very ugly.Gritting his teeth impatiently, he said, what if you tell me that you don't want to study anymore if you study for another month? Jian Sheng said softly, I won't. He just remembered this sentence, and started to learn to paint like his mother.Life still hasn't changed much, but because of Jian Sheng's deliberate avoidance, the atmosphere at home is even colder. Jian Sheng has a talent for painting and loves it from the bottom of his heart. He started to learn Chinese painting in the Children's Palace. Because of the noisy crowd, he found it boring, so he changed to learn the basic sketch of Western painting in a private art class taught by a teacher from the Academy of Fine Arts.Different from other children who are forced by their parents to come here every week to waste time, Jian Sheng's talent for painting is fully revealed, and he is always the first to come and the last to leave.Facing those dull plaster geometric figures, he said little and remained immersed. The painting class every weekend seems to be his expectation of a week's life. He never sleeps in. He always carries a large army green drawing board that does not match his height early in the morning, and buys breakfast downstairs, and eats breakfast on the bus.In the studio, I always choose the position closest to the teacher to watch the teacher make demonstration paintings.Come back late every Sunday. The rest of the free time is in the roof garden.When I get home from school, I always take care of the flowers and plants first.When my mother went up to dry clothes occasionally, she would see him squatting on the ground with sackcloth gloves and holding a shovel, talking to plants and insects, or sitting on a small stool with a drawing board between them, sketching with a pen on a gardenia plant. I asked my mother for enough pocket money to buy more books to pass the time.From time to time, before he came home from school, he would stop by the bookstore for a while.Then he walked home slowly with a bag of books in his hand.Apart from painting and reading, I don't like listening to pop music or watching TV.But I like to take care of the flowers in the roof garden.Buy a lot of books to read.Carrying a book or carrying a drawing board, slowly walking through the city at night.Watching the crowds and traffic flowing like a tide gradually become static and silenced in one's senses.It was extremely quiet.This will make you feel happy. It's not a pretentious and melancholy teenager.It's just that I can't adapt to the people around me for a long time, and I seem to be alone.