Chapter 11 That's how "Light of the Earth" started

This is how it started (1) 8 After the end of the first year of junior high school, Jian Sheng learned that their young and beautiful art teacher would resign to study at the Academy of Fine Arts, and at the same time teach in the painting training class held by the Academy of Fine Arts.He panicked and couldn't bear her to leave, so he wanted to go to her class to learn painting. This is how this life begins. Walking through the shaded streets, he went to her for the first time in the early summer of boyhood.Jian Sheng came to her home in the Academy of Fine Arts with a disturbed mood, and knocked on the door gently.After waiting for a while, Huai put on a casual dark fall pajamas, held a charcoal pencil in his mouth, held a roll of cardboard in his hand, and opened the door with his other hand free.His hair was pulled up, his neck was long and his collarbone protruded like a thin teenager.The roundness on the face is broad and tough.For some reason, she lost a lot of weight.The complexion is white, like the Magnolia blooming downstairs.

Jian Sheng was overwhelmed by her beauty and was too nervous to speak.Huai looked at the disturbed young man with a surprised expression. He stood at the door and asked anxiously, can I go to your class to learn painting? Huai froze for a moment, smiled and said, of course. With her permission, the boy was incoherent in excitement.Thank you, thank you, he repeated.There was an indifferent and soft sincere smile on the still childish face, with the shyness of a teenager, but it was unforgettable. On the way home, for the first time, he walked briskly like a happy teenager.In the hot and humid air in the southern summer, the trees bloom in thick shade along the street.Jumping up happily, he stretched out his hand and plucked a piece of verdant green leaf, and kneaded it between his fingers, like the delicate skin in his imagination.The city is immersed in the afterglow of the setting sun. At dusk, the walls covered with creepers are crawling, and the light is sad and sweet.He hummed a song and took care of the flowers and plants in the upstairs garden, and the jasmine and gardenia he planted with his own hands revealed a refreshing fragrance.Sweat dripped down his forehead and wiped it off neatly with his cuff.Sweetly thinking about everything about Huai in his mind.The mood is actually unprecedented joy.

In the later days, he has reached the point of indulging in painting.Many times at night when he was supposed to be doing his homework, he could not help drawing on draft paper or a sketchbook after only two strokes, most of which were casually depicting Huai's portrait.He wrote his diary on the sketch paper he had finished drawing.When I hid in my room and practiced gouache, I didn't dare to go out of the room to change my brushes, so I just painted abstract paintings with dry rubbing techniques. However, when the mother suddenly came in and saw this scene, she would angrily scold him for being playful, or even grab the sketchbook, point to the portraits of women on it, curse angrily and tear it into pieces, and then throw homework in front of him and order him Must be done by 12 o'clock.

Often after his mother went out, Jian Sheng would be so depressed that he could not control himself and climbed onto the window sill.He wanted to jump down, but he didn't dare after all.So I often sit on the windowsill until late at night. At that time, he deeply despised his own life. Every weekend, Jian Sheng goes to Huai's studio in the Academy of Fine Arts to paint still life sketches.Huai has a classroom dedicated to weekends for classes.The studio is full of easels lined with discarded paints.On the ground is a thick layer of lead dust and indelible paint left by the students of the previous year, and there are also intentional or unintentional variegated stains on the walls.If it falls or rubs against the wall, it will be dirty with lead dust and paint, but the room looks different.

Throughout the summer, Jian Sheng walked through the shaded stone roads of the Academy of Fine Arts almost every day until he arrived at the red brick three-story building covered with dark green vines.The plants were bright and saturated in color, and the leaves were dagger-bright green as they swayed in the hot midsummer breeze.The fan above the head clangs and turns, accompanied by the noise of cicadas, which sounds full of the taste of summer.The studio has huge glass windows.The curtains were heavy and dusty.The lighting is very good.Outside the window are tall deciduous trees, green all year round in the warm south.In midsummer, the cicadas sing one wave higher than the other, and the shadows of palm tree trees are reflected in the empty studio.Tree shadows seem to be spicy.Shaking off.He concentrated on drawing those dull plaster heads.When drawing tired or lost feeling, Huai simply let the students take a rest.Huai chatted with them, talking about the Eagles band that he was obsessed with when he was a student at the Academy of Fine Arts, and the haunted May 17 dormitory.Jian Sheng wandered around the studio while listening, feeling extremely happy in his heart.

Sometimes Huai would tell Jian Sheng about her and her college boyfriend.Jian Sheng had no jealousy in his heart. He even happily listened to Huai's story about how they fell in love in college and how they broke up after graduation.Jian Sheng asked her, he must love you very much, right? Huai looked back at him and said, Don't imagine others to be loyal to you. These words made a deep impression on Jian Sheng.It took him a long time to realize that this was indeed the case.As hopeless as it sounds. It was from that time that Jian Sheng fell in love with this young woman who used to be her teacher.Or to be precise, depend.Huai has gentle and calm eyes, patient and kind.Also a very beautiful woman.In addition, because she is a painting teacher, as long as he is by her side, Jian Sheng will feel infinitely happy.He is greedy to stay by Huai's side every moment, and often uses childlike cunning but innocent tricks to please Huai: such as delivering paintings, helping to pour water and wash pens, handing paint, and even answering the phone for dinner and so on.In order to wait for a walk with Huai alone after the painting class, he would rather stay in the studio until dark.

The child's enthusiasm and affection for the teacher are always straightforward and shy. This sincerity and childishness often makes Huai feel helpless but full of pity for her. At the age of thirteen, Jian Sheng just spent the whole summer in the studio.Huai also likes this special child, and has never charged tuition fees, so after school starts, even if it is not Sunday, Jian Sheng goes to the studio.Usually after school, I quickly ran to the studio with my schoolbag on my back to watch Huai teach those older children.She hid behind the tall easel and waited until dark, just to go back to her single dormitory with Huai after class or go to the door to have a light meal and chat.

This little delicate boy has short hair cut like a Japanese boy, with long bangs in front, deeply covering his eyes.Tall and thin, his complexion was as pale as his father's.He has always shown an introverted and out-of-group personality among his peers, and he has grown up by himself, guarding the huge and sweet secret in his heart. There is nothing in school that can arouse his interest, and he usually sits quietly in his seat, class is in, and get out of class is over.Draw a picture and be in a daze.There is a sketchbook in the schoolbag, and many sketches and misses are left on it.He was such a quiet and unobtrusive boy.

Only by Huai's side can he speak eloquently, cheerfully and talkatively.For many years, he himself has not even been able to tell what kind of role Huai is to him.A fair and patient teacher, a gentle and beautiful mother, a considerate friend, an intimate sister, and an unswerving lover until death.Huai had flaunted the perfect example of every character he could think of, and throughout his long teenage years it had been his unwavering will that life would not be worth living without Huai. He only wishes to live in a world with Huai.In this way, the heart will be infinitely happy and happy.

Mother is still busy with her work, carefully dealing with money and men.It was the first night when his mother stayed away all night without telling him, Jian Sheng was doing homework alone at home.When he was done he started to paint.After drawing several pages of sketch paper, I felt a little tired, so I started to take a bath.After taking a bath, my mother still didn't come back.He began to worry, panicked, but also felt an inexplicable sense of irritability and shame.He sat on the sofa and waited, as if he had returned to the scene when he saw his mother having sex with a strange man for the first time.He couldn't help but miss Huai.

So he went out and walked to Huai's house.The streets in the early morning were filled with moisture and were very quiet.Came downstairs to Huai alone.It was a cool summer night, under a tree of magnolias, in the dim light reflecting the transparent wings of flying insects, the boy lingered for a long time.As long as he raised his head, he could see Huai's window.The moonlight is bright and clear, as clear and clear as the one I saw in the countryside of Beiguo when I was a child.The stars above the head are sparsely scattered in the night.He closed his eyes, thinking of the summer night in his hometown, as well as Huai's gentle smile.Infinite peace of mind. He stood all night.At dawn, he dragged his stiff legs and walked home slowly. This is how it started (2) Mother still hasn't come back.He suddenly felt empty inside.He would rather be scolded by his mother for not returning home all night than go home and see such a chilling empty house.The young man returned to his room silently, turned on the desk lamp, opened a page of sketch paper, and began to draw the lush Magnolia magnolia in the night.He wrote on the back of the page, Mother did not come home tonight. He felt sleepy that morning, didn't go to school, and slept until noon.When my mother came back, she didn't know that he didn't go to school.Jian Sheng asked her softly, where were you last night? Mother said lightly and perfunctorily that she was busy with a plan in the company.Then he turned and went into the bedroom to change clothes.The boy stayed where he was and watched his mother close the door, so he had no choice but to turn around and go back to his room without a word. That was when he was fifteen. From then on, he often came downstairs to Huai's house on sleepless nights.He never tires of such childish and sincere games.On those sweltering nights, a heavy rain suddenly fell, and the cold rain mixed with the smell of damp and hot plants and soil, converging into gurgling water, washing away the drunken flowers, and when the petals covered the insteps, they were The straps of the sandals caught and rested on the skin, itching slightly.So he bent down and picked it up.Touching the delicateness of the petals is like the smooth and white hands in memory.Put the petals in your shirt pocket and bring them back in your sketchbook in the wee hours of the morning.Piece by piece, it accumulates thickly. It is a boy who dances lonely on the strings. He never told her that he was waiting.And when he was alone with Huai in the studio, he tried his best to hide his emotions, always looking like a preoccupied young man.But when he was alone or distracted, recalling the details of getting along with Huai, he still had to show a smile that was so happy that he didn't know it.Very naive. Once my mother came back in the middle of the night, but he was nowhere to be seen at home.When he came back in the early morning, she anxiously asked him where he was going.At first he just lied calmly and satisfactorily.After several times, the mother began to suspect his whereabouts. One night, he went out again.His mother followed him to Huai's downstairs.While he was wandering idly, his mother appeared behind him. He was shocked for a moment, but before he could react, he received a brutal slap in the face. He only felt that his mind was in chaos, his eyes were dim, and there were sharp noises in his ears, like various metal frictions, vibrating his tympanic membranes.His face hurt as if it was on fire.This was not the first time his mother had hit him like this, but it was the first time he had felt such pain and humiliation.He stood there, thinking hard, whether to fight back. Mother asked sharply, what are you doing here, are you looking for that woman? ! Jian Sheng only felt that his heart was about to be torn apart by the gushing blood.Angry and humiliated, he walked back without a word, fists clenched.The mother didn't give up, and followed behind, interrogating and cursing, with harsh words. In a rage, Jian Sheng turned to face his mother, and blurted out, did I question you when you went out with men all night? ! The mother was stunned for a moment, staring at him in disbelief, she almost wanted to raise her hand to slap Jian Sheng in a fit of rage, but Jian Sheng grabbed her.Because of the force, the boy's hand pinched his mother's wrist like steel pliers.The mother and son looked at each other with hatred and coldness. She didn't want to believe that her relationship with her parents and children was so irretrievable.She shed helpless tears again. Facing his mother at this moment, Jian Sheng felt sore in his heart.But still speechless.With the still burning sensation on his face, he shook off his mother's wrist, turned around and walked forward.It was very similar to the figure of his father who resisted his luggage and turned away. This little boy who caught fish in the meadow when he was a child, his skin was blushing, and his hair was still mixed with mud spots and leaf flakes, now he has transformed so quickly.Has the exact same build and face as his father when he was younger.It's just that his personality is even more indifferent, with a melancholy and slack expression. For the first time, she began to suspect that it might be a mistake to bring him back to her side. That night he saw his father so clearly in his dream.The relative who gave him life but has not appeared in his life so far.In some cloudy dreams.The teenager longed for his father to take him back to the waters of the Northland in his childhood.In the summer there, the sun is shining, the cicadas are noisy, and the trees are full of shade.Go swimming by the river and catch red dragonflies in the sunset.Then on a clear summer night, enjoy the shade together in the garden.Learn about astrology and pick up starlight that has fallen from the Milky Way. In such a dream, I will always be a silent boy who does not know how to forget the known pain, and does not know how to bear the unknown pain.Hesitating with his own shadow under the harsh sunlight of a strange city.Reluctant to look up at the road.Drawing tirelessly in the dark room where my mother didn't come home late at night, when I stopped, I saw the faint morning light outside the window, slowly obliterating the rich and hot night.The sentences left on the thick sketchbook leave a season of rainy summer after missing. when summer vacation comes 9 Fifteen-year-old Tail graduated from junior high school.When the summer vacation came, Huai took some children in the painting class to go out to sketch. In a remote scenic spot far away from the city, I carried a canvas schoolbag and packed simple clothes.Wear sneakers.Bring a drawing board, small bucket, gouache paper, sketchbook, and lots of paints and pens.A team of young children drawing pictures.Drive long distances and walk among scattered landscapes. The teenagers all liked Huai very much, and everyone scrambled to sit next to her when riding in the car.Jian Sheng never jumped over to sit next to Huai like those noisy children.He just sat behind Huai, watching her quietly along the way.In the nameless mountains, the winding road winds up, and the river in the valley is surging.She asked the children to get off the car halfway, and everyone carried their schoolbags and painting tools on foot up the mountain, looking for sketching spots. Jian Sheng walked behind those children, picked up a stick by himself as a walking stick, and walked on. It was a sunny July day, but it was not so hot in the mountains.It has just rained, the air is humid, and the mountains and forests are full of greenery.The purple wildflowers on the side of the road are open and full of vitality.The cicadas were noisy, shouting monotonously in the silent mountain.They walked for nearly two hours, walking along the winding mountain road.The sun was strong, the children were very thirsty, and some began to complain and mutter uneasily.Huai walked all the way coaxing the wayward children, sweating profusely from exhaustion.Jian Sheng walked silently at the end of the line, very quiet along the way.He was very thirsty and felt hot and stuffy, but when he saw Huai's figure, he felt that everything was worth it. Come to the top of the mountain, condescending, it is refreshing.The mountains have a pale blue outline, layer upon layer, fading into the sky.The cool wind blows, refreshing people's muscles and bones. Huai asked the children to stop and rest under the shade of a tree.The children rushed to the shady tree one after another, dropped their schoolbags, gulped water, cried loudly for being tired, and panted exaggeratedly. Only Jian Sheng walked to Huai's side, and thoughtfully and sincerely handed her a cool towel soaked in mountain spring.He said to her, teacher, wipe off your sweat. Huai raised his head, and saw the young man's face flushed with sunburn, and the hair on his forehead was beaded with sweat, which was stroked messily, revealing his smooth forehead.The white shirt was a little soaked.With an indifferent but sincere smile on his face, he exudes a kind of handsomeness unique to young boys, which is unforgettable.Huai said, thank you. Jian Sheng smiled and left, drinking water and resting alone under the shade of a tree. At noon, everyone ate the dry food they brought with them, and they have recovered a little.Huai asked everyone to choose an angle to sketch from life.The children used buckets to hold water, washed brushes, set up drawing boards, squeezed paint, and were very lively.They are all children who seldom travel far in the city. It is the first time they come out to sketch, which is infinitely novel.To some extent, it is not sketching but coming out to play fresh.Jian Sheng took out a sketchbook, took out a knife, and sharpened the charcoal strips. He drew a viewfinder frame in front of his eyes and observed it carefully for a while. While the other children were busy preparing tools, he had already Turn over a clean page and start drawing. Sitting in the distance, Huai looked at this special boy, thinking that he was such a delightful boy.She walked over and stood behind Jian Sheng, watching him draw for a long time.Jian Sheng noticed that Huai was standing behind him, and couldn't help becoming nervous. He hesitated while holding the pen, and even trembled when writing.Huai was completely amused by this cute boy. Jian Sheng turned around and raised his head to look at her, his eyes met, then he immediately turned back and buried himself in drawing without saying a word.Huai squatted down curiously, and reached for the sketchbook in his hand.The boy secretly resisted for a while, nervously not knowing why.Huai finally took it. Whenever she opened a page casually, she would suddenly see her own portrait on it. She was slightly shocked.Quickly and silently returned the notebook to the boy, stood up and left. Jian Sheng caught a glimpse of Huai's leaving figure, as if an ulterior secret had been exposed in public, and he felt ashamed. They lived in Lingxi Town at the foot of the mountain that night.The ancient town is backed by the green hills and facing the green lake. A small stream passes through the city. The water is clear, and the sound of the rapids is like a silver bell, so it is named Lingxi.In the residential inn, Huai and the children gathered around a table for dinner.The children were all tired after a day of walking.After dinner, dusk was already deep.The children eagerly lined up to take a bath in the simple water room behind the inn.Jian Sheng walked out of the yard alone and went for a walk on the road. It was a cool full moon night.The moonlight is bright and clear, and the shadows of the trees are whirling.The lone geese who lost their flock mourned in a low voice, like an ancient and trance song, patting the cottage to sleep.Smoke rises from the depths of the twilight, licking the lowered sky melancholy.The wooden boat moored quietly, slightly swaying on the shore of the lake rich in wormwood, seems to be the last piece of humble destiny that cannot be controlled.The air is humid and cool.Soon, some broken stars rose in the dark blue night sky.The mountain wind gently kissed the sound of the waves, and passed through the wooden fences in the courtyards of the people on the lakeshore that were neatly arranged like years, spreading the faint sound of chickens crowing and dogs barking far away. Jian Sheng closed his eyes, as if returning to the northern countryside of his childhood.See also the large indigo-colored lake, and the wild and primitive world. When Huai was counting the number of people, he found that Jian Sheng was missing.She walked out of the yard a little anxiously, and after walking for a while, she immediately saw the back of the young man standing alone by the pond for a long time, like a slender young crane.She walked over and called him softly, Jian Sheng, Jian Sheng. The young man turned his head and saw Huai walking over.He couldn't see her face clearly, he could only feel the familiar longing slowly approaching, as if it was a sweet dream within reach.He just felt peaceful and peaceful in his heart at this moment. She said, why don't you go back. The young man smiled slightly and said, this place is really beautiful.Forget about time. Looking around, Huai saw the bright moonlight and felt the cool breeze.A fish-feeding kingfisher dives into the water, creating a loud splash that breaks the silence.She couldn't help saying that it would be good to take a walk. The two of them took a leisurely walk around the cottage.Under the full moonlight, I am peaceful and quiet.The two were silent all the way.After walking for a long time, when I returned to the entrance of the inn, the waiter was about to close the door and turn off the lights.On the dark wooden porch, there is a layer of moonlight like frost and snow.The boy bid her good night.She stood where she was, quietly watching the back of the thin white shirt disappear into the narrow corner under the moonlight. When the boy turned to leave, he was so happy that he walked with his beloved all the way for this unforgettable night full of flowers and full moon. Sketching in the cottage 10 They sketched in the cottage.Take dry food every day, and sit for a day.Huai patiently corrected the children's paintings, and everyone rushed to have her correct their own works.Jian Sheng was still sitting on the sidelines silently, watching other people circling Huai like enthusiastic and blind bees indifferently.He only remembers walking silently with her on a cool and breezy night.As long as he thinks about it, he feels infinitely sweet, and there is always a faint smile on his face when he is painting. She came over to modify the painting for him.This is not the first time she has discovered the talent of this teenager.Many girls' paintings are fine and beautiful, but most of them are mediocre.Many boys are clumsy and ugly when they draw, but the really talented boys are tall when they raise their hands, and they can see their outstanding features at a glance.That is the spiritual energy permeated in each stroke, which is unforgettable.The passing locals came over curiously to see the children's works and chatted with them.Only Jian Sheng doesn't like to talk.Draw with concentration. After a few days, the children painted all over the old houses, fields, lakes and streams near the village.Huai intends to go to the Nanshan Mountain of the Shanzhai to see if there is a suitable place to take the children to sketch.She arranged for the waiter in the shop to take care of the child, and then went up the mountain alone.The other children were still sleeping late, and when Huai was on the road, Jian Sheng couldn't help but follow.He quickly caught up with her and said, teacher, I want to go with you.Huai looked at this anxious young man, smiled slightly, and said, "Okay, you come." So they went up the mountain together.Step into the lush forest and move forward along Lingxi.The stream is as clear and cheerful as a lover's tears. When you stop to rest, you can see the mountains hidden behind the big trees in the sky.Tigers roar and monkeys sing, birds chirp and birds chirp.The morning mist in the mountains wraps around the skin like silk.He has been following Huai closely all the time, and in his heart he fantasizes that when she slips and falls, he can step forward to help her up... This young man was in a sweet mood, but unexpectedly he slipped and fell on the ground Land, embarrassed endlessly.When Huai turned around, he endured the pain and quickly got up, looking at her with a blushing face.Huai said, come, Jian Sheng, come here. Huai supported him and carefully inspected his scratches.He felt very ashamed, and resisted the pain, for fear that Huai would make fun of him.Huai asked him worriedly, how about we go down the mountain and apply some potion for you?When Jian Sheng heard this, he became anxious, and he quickly said, no, no, I can continue walking. After they rested for a while, they continued to move forward.Huai tried to support him along the way.When she approached Jian Sheng, the young man smelled the spicy plant fragrance that did not smell of perfume on her body.Her feminine, white and charming hand stretched out to hold his arm, which made her blush with embarrassment.It was the first time he had tasted such a rich and complicated mood, and it was unforgettable. The two kept coming forward, speaking very little.It seems that I have forgotten the original intention of going up the mountain, and replaced it with an adventure journey that ignores the end point.Huai is not as delicate as a young woman living in the city. She walks lightly and has great stamina.The two finally climbed to the top of the mountain. Standing on the nameless high mountain, the eyes are full of rich green, spreading to the distance layer by layer, like sea waves.Occasionally interrupted by a line of kite-like flying herons, the green becomes lively and within reach.He just felt that everything was better than a dream—traveling through the picturesque mountains, and the person you loved was by his side. That day he and Huai stood on the top of the mountain, looking at the boundless mountains.The cool breeze that blows in, penetrates the heart and spleen.He couldn't help but want to tell Huai his love several times.But in the end, the two of them were on the top of the mountain without any words until they went down the mountain in silence. Later, Huai did not let the children go up the mountain to sketch, because the mountain road was too dangerous and the road was slippery.Jian Sheng was inexplicably happy about this decision.This is a beautiful mountain forest as quiet as a virgin, and it is the memory of him and Huai.He didn't want anyone to step in rashly. The next day, Huai and the children set off on their way home with a thick stack of drawings of a good harvest on their backs. On the bus back, Jian Sheng was still sitting alone on the double seat of the bus.Seeing him, Huai felt pity in his heart, and walked over to sit with him.At that moment, he watched Huai sit up, his mood was as colorful and trembling as the wings of a flying butterfly. The car circled along the mountain road and slowly passed through the lush and humid forest road.Green vines sway by the window, dripping sweet dew.The sunlight turned green and shot into the dark compartment in columns.The icy sapphire-like wind slightly lifted the hair on Huai's temples.He sat beside her, closing his eyes in sleepiness.In the dream, he seemed to say to Huai, Huai, I miss you so much. Return to the city at the end of the journey.It was ten o'clock at night when we arrived.The children's parents were waiting at the gate of the station early, but Jian Sheng had no one to pick them up.He carried his schoolbag and took a taxi home alone. Jian Sheng took out the key and opened the door, but his mother was not there.Disappointed and exhausted, he put his schoolbag and painting utensils into the bedroom, and went to the bathroom to take a shower.Standing under the shower for a long time, the body is washed with water.The wound on the knee was wet with water and it was very painful.He covered his face with his hands, stood under the water, and began to miss Huai in the pain of his skin. After taking a bath, my mother was still not there.He thought his mother would never come back again.So the boy put on his clothes, drank a glass of water and went out.Not far away, he saw a car driving in.A man got out of the car, went around and graciously opened the other door, and the mother stepped out. The teenager watched the mother and the man hug and kiss.He saw his mother's hair hanging softly on his shoulders, and couldn't help thinking about what happened between his mother and this man just now.Whenever faced with such a situation, he always couldn't restrain himself from thinking in such a nasty direction.Even if it turns out later that wasn't quite the case. He didn't know who that man was, and he didn't want to know.He wanted to call to stop his mother, but he suddenly felt that it was unnecessary, so he walked around the headlights and left quietly. He still came downstairs to Huai that night.It was already a place that the teenager was all too familiar with.He looked up and saw that Huai's window was still lit.The petals of the magnolia flower are still white.He wandered downstairs for a while, and the unbearable imagination about his mother and those strange men kept haunting him like a nightmare, which made him extremely irritable and ashamed.Jian Sheng suddenly had the urge to go upstairs to see Huai.He didn't think much, and went upstairs quickly. There was a knock on the door.With a surprised and cautious voice, Huai asked, who is it? The boy's throat was choked with inexplicable dryness, he replied, it was me.Jian Sheng. The door opened.Huai still had a different expression. She was wearing the dark fall pajamas that Jian Sheng had worn when he first came to see her. She looked like she had just taken a shower, her face was moist, her hair was wet, she was curled up gently, and she was extraordinarily beautiful.Showing a fair neck and a teenager's thin collarbone.The young Jian Sheng smelled the cold spicy fragrance on her body, and suddenly felt only the restrained sadness in his heart. He was speechless.Stare at her in the dark.It was a face repeated in dreams, his home, his love.The boy's tears suddenly fell, and he stretched out his arms to hug her wordlessly.Huai was pulled over by him and hugged tightly.She felt the boy's hot body in shock and apprehension.His hot tears fell on her shoulders.Huai hesitantly stretched out his hand and gently brushed the boy's head.She asked, what's wrong with you? The boy didn't answer.Still hugging her stubbornly like a baby.Huai finally pushed him away forcefully, put his hands on his shoulders, shook him and asked, what's wrong with you. Jian Sheng was pushed away, and the sensitive man felt a pang of disappointment in his heart.He couldn't help being sad, looked at Huai, pushed her hand away, then turned around and hurried down the stairs. Huai froze at the door.She did not follow him down. miss everything about her 11 During that time, Jian Sheng no longer had the courage to go to Huai's class to draw again.In a lonely and hot city, time passes in the same way.Without the days of painting with Huai, life is as empty as a prison.He missed Huai and everything about her.When you are restless, go to the bookstore to hang out, and bring your favorite picture albums and books home slowly with the lanterns.Turn on the faucet to water the flowers on the roof, and take a shovel to clear the drains blocked by fallen leaves.Get along with the silent flowers and plants for a long time.Pick a large bunch of gardenias that are about to bloom, put them in a vase with clear water, and spend the last summer before the flowering season together. Come September, he starts high school. The age of growing up in an instant.Wearing a white shirt and trousers, sneakers, and a school bag.The figure is already tall and straight, but the hair on the forehead is still deeply covering the eyes, and the childish but increasingly rigid lines appear on the face.Exactly the same as his father, with a slack look and a kind of laid-back handsomeness.When showing an indifferent but sincere smile, it is unforgettable. Sitting in a new classroom with new textbooks.Surrounded by new classmates.Bid farewell to the gloomy junior high school life, and at a new starting point, no one knows his past, and wearing the decent clothes his mother bought him, he can't see the difference between him and any urban teenager.But he is still a reticent child who is easy to be ignored. When I was at home, I basically had nothing to say to my mother.Based on disappointment with each other and family life, the long-term separation makes the two people more and more estranged.When I was having dinner at home, there was no words on the table except for the sound of chopsticks touching tableware.The mother and son are immersed in their own lives. She is often busy dealing with people and things related to the business, leaving early and returning late.His mother left large amounts of cash in his room from time to time, and he arranged his own life.Jian Sheng just used it to buy a lot of books to pass the time.My heart is full of longing for Huai, but I don't have the courage to meet again. Since entering high school, he has kept the habit of finishing his homework in the classroom and then going home.Because if you go home too early every day, you can only face an empty home alone.Although the two of them still looked like strangers after their mother came back, at least they were not alone in the house.So he stayed alone in the classroom every day, doing homework alone until late.It wasn't until the lights of the entire teaching building were turned off and plunged into darkness that he packed his schoolbag and left slowly.The empty corridor, reflecting the dim light coming from nowhere, is like an endless road leading to an uncertain youth.He hummed a tune, put his hands in his pockets, and left silently. He kicked an empty bottle with his canvas sneakers, and his voice echoed in the corridor for a long time. He was still finishing his homework and preparing to leave that day.Put the schoolbag on the shoulders, pass through the gap between the messy desks and chairs, walk out of the classroom, turn around and lock the door.Halfway through the long corridor, I couldn't help but stop, squatting on the ground with my back against the wall, watching the dark shadow stretched out in my lonely corridor.The empty bottle kicked away by him rolled away with a bang. He lowered his head and closed his eyes.I just feel that I miss Huai too much. He saw Huai's face.In a trance, she felt her hand reaching out to hold her arm.The cold spicy fragrance when hugging.When he was about to cry, he stood up abruptly, threw his schoolbag back on his shoulders, and ran down the teaching building like a gallop. The teenager rode a bicycle, walking blindly through the muddy city.On the overpass, leaning against the side of the bicycle, staring at the endless flow of people and vehicles for a long time.The night is getting darker and darker, the city is getting tired gradually, and there are fewer and fewer people.The teenager pushed his bicycle away from the overpass and walked home slowly. The city gradually fell asleep. Jian Sheng wandered alone in the cooling city. When passing by a telephone booth, he thought for a long time, and then decided to call Huai.He is apprehensive.When he heard Huai's voice, he was speechless for a while.Huai asked repeatedly on the phone, hello?Hey? Jian Sheng finally choked out two words, it's me. Huai smiled and blamed him for not coming to paint for so long, as if he had received a call from an old friend.The boy was blushing here, listening to her quietly.The chat was intermittent, Jian Sheng said very little.On the contrary, Huai kept talking, with a relaxed tone. They talked for a long time.It started to rain outside.The drizzle of early autumn was flying in the night.It was pitch black save for the haggard light of the street lamps.Jian Sheng suddenly felt a little cold, so he said to her, I am cold. Huai said, where are you, go home quickly.Jian Sheng stubbornly replied that he did not want to go home.Huai sighed helplessly on the phone, and she finally said, wait, I'll send you a dress. Just like that, Huai took a taxi and rushed to Jian Sheng at one o'clock in the morning. It's only been a summer's end, but he feels like he hasn't seen Huai for a long time.Jian Sheng watched Huai coming from across the street, passing through a bundle of drizzle dyed orange by haggard street lamps, holding a windbreaker, the whole person was only a blurred figure in the dark background with strong color difference , but like an oath exposed in despair, it hurt the quietness of the early autumn rainy night, and thus left a clear scale in time. Huai came over and put the windbreaker on him, pulled the collar, and gently stroked his head.The moment he got close, Jian Sheng clearly felt the warmth emanating from another body, and resonated with it with a redemptive kindness.This body didn't play games with him, it just tried to warm itself and tell people that they should be like this.He raised his head, but couldn't see clearly Huai's dark face in the backlight. 多年之后回忆起来，这情景依然有着悠长的反光，让人微感沉然。温暖是如此的浓稠，以至于简生相信他后来的人生只是在不断试图复制它，并被一再被现实否定。 毕竟，一如有人所言，对于大多数短暂而平凡的既定命运来说，人只是一堆盲目而无用的热情。爱之永恒美好与激越，只是基于人与人之间的永恒隔膜这一悲哀。 简生抬起头，看到淮的身后，一束舞台追光般的路灯照射下，夜风像是深海的洋流，裹着一股银色鱼群般的茸茸雨丝，柔软地按照风行方向散去。于是他幻想淮此刻有着玲溪的月色一样的目光，与这秋天最沉郁的夜色融合。 那个晚上，淮与简生坐在大商场前面的厅廊台阶上聊天，等待天亮。少年头一次小心翼翼地尝试表达自己的心迹，然而话到嘴边，却总是言不由衷。他简单而混乱地说起自己双亲缺席的乡下童年，以及回到城市之后和母亲在一起的令人失望的生活。谈话中断的时候，这个心思细腻的敏感少年不知所措地低下头，不知如何继续。淮就伸出手，长辈一样在简生的脑袋上轻轻摩挲。 少年鼓起莫大的勇气，颤抖着对她说，淮，我好爱你。 淮无言，只是转过头来温和地望着他。少年亦凝视淮的眼睛。The four eyes are facing each other.她是那么的美。 一瞬间冲动而预谋的拥抱与亲吻。他是激烈的，而淮却毫不犹豫地躲闪。她再次是推开少年，轻声却镇定地说，简生，不要这样。 良久的僵持，与无言。 沉默了半晌，淮眼里满含泪光，断断续续地说，简生，你要知道,你还是一个孩子。我只是不想让你受到伤害。想帮助你走过这段成长。that's it.而我现在已经不知道该如何对待你。我担心我对你的关心会更加令你无法从中走出来，而我如果刻意远离你，又害怕伤害你令你失望。 简生。我不知如何是好。 简生只觉得无限难过。于一个生性敏感脆弱的寂寞少年，他从她的话语中感到切肤的疼痛。少年失望地转过头看着淮的侧面。几年前自己第一次在她办公室画画的情景竟然在记忆中急速的返回。那是简生回到城市不久的时候。一个阳光浓稠的安宁的下午。淮在美术课上让孩子们画心里最喜欢的东西。淮给他留下如此深刻而美好的印象。这些年来，由此衍生出来的想念已经具备了初恋一般的力度，植入简生的人生。 少年对她说，我离不开你。淮。陪在我身边，求求你。 他再次抱着她，单薄的身体略有颤抖，竟令她于心不忍。 总是令他微感沉然 12 秋天，母亲定期寄给乡下李婆婆的汇款被退回。邮局在退件中注明，收件人不存在。于是她打电话给镇上才得知，李婆婆已经去世。母亲把李婆婆去世的事情告诉简生的时候，说，等我有空，就去乡下看看她。简生听了，激动地说，等你有空？老人家养我十年，难道她去世，还要等你有空才去？她孤寡一人，谁来料理后事？ 母亲一时语塞，她说，简生，我是你的母亲，你不要用这样的语气跟我说话。 简生说，好，母亲。我不要你跟我一起回乡。我要自己去。 母亲悲漠地苦笑，说，也罢，你去吧。我是再也不想回到那里。 简生请求淮跟他一起回乡。淮有过犹豫，但终究还是同意。 两个人坐火车，枕着车轮撞击铁轨的规则的声响，一路向北。在凌晨黑暗的车厢里，他睡不着，坐在床边久久地凝视淮的睡容。将掀开的被子轻轻给她盖上。 他又获得与淮的单独相处，觉得愉悦得无以言表。 下了火车，又搭乘客车，然后终于来到了镇上。简生见到多年前熟悉的场景。深秋的北方，天气深肃。初雪涂抹在这座荒城般的小镇上。铅灰色的矮楼房中间夹杂着一条条年代久远的陋巷。清晨被雾霜抹得毛茸茸的玻璃窗，小卖部门口挂着被风吹得刷刷作响的塑料布，街道上肮脏的雪以及静止在路边的拖拉机。去年的陈旧红色剪纸……一切都勾勒着萧索之意。 他们从这镇子上坐班车去乡下，回到靛青色的湖泊之畔。芦苇已经被秋霜染成枯黄，在风中忧郁地渐次倒伏。南归的大雁，驮着铅灰的积云，让飞翔贴满了天空。乘船缓缓穿过广阔的大湖，在处子般平静的水面划出静静扩散的波纹。简生指着对岸，对她说，看，那便是我的家。 婆婆的房子果然空了。邻居也都不再是当年的那些认识的农民。他们询问婆婆的墓地，被絮絮叨叨地告知，是村委会如何如何给她老人家办了后事，葬在后山的坟地。人们说，造孽啊，老人收养了一个儿子，一把屎一把尿带到十多岁却被人带回城里去了啊…… 简生听到，如芒在背。 两个人在村子后面的坟山上去挨个找，终于找到一块新墓，草草了事的碑刻，拙劣而孤寂。隐喻着一个形销骨立的老人的身影。他不知道是该献上花束还是应该烧香献上大盘的贡品，仿佛一切都是滑稽并且不协调的。简生在墓前长跪不起，俯首磕头，埋在那里难过得发不出声音来。 黑色的鸟群在天空盘旋，忧郁而不祥。暮色四起，寒气逼人。淮在远处默默地看着他。 末了，简生直起身子来。他对她说，我们明天便走吧。这地方让我太伤心。 那个寒冷的夜晚，他们两人寄宿在一户农家。他梦见了童年时代的生活。 仲夏的月光照亮了一泊泊梦魇一般的湖，水面如镜，闪烁丝帛般的柔润光泽。唯有水蜘蛛细长的腿在点水时触动一圈圈水纹，轻轻扩散之后被深入湖水的芦苇茎杆所阻挡，波纹便紊乱地弥漫到更广的夜色中去。 黑暗中的簇簇芦苇穗子被皎洁月光照出茸茸的紫蓝色光晕，随歌谣一般的晚风窸窸窣窣摇晃，犹如婆婆的摇篮曲。偶尔一声鱼跃落水的声响便惊得草丛中原本和谐规律的虫鸣一阵激昂，亦使聚精会神捕食的狍子或者鹭鸶乱了阵脚，惊惶窜动，甚至惊扰了野鸭的梦境，让它们发出不适的呀呀叫声。然而很快，这一切又遁入无边的黑暗的夜。唯有凝着霜露的苇丛似钟表指针一般匀净摇摆。 这就是他记忆深处最宁静的童年夏日。白天在苇荡里捉鱼戏水折腾得筋疲力尽，此刻他必定是躺在那张铺在堂屋的地板上的老苇席上，在婆婆摇扇子的吱吱呀呀声音中渐渐入睡。皎洁月光漫过门槛，在堂屋地上切下一块明亮的银霜，刺眼到不得不背过身睡觉。到了后半夜，这铺在地面的苇席凉得凊骨。熏过的苦蒿挂在老屋的房檐上，驱散蚊虫的同时散发出浓烈的辛香，闻起来仿佛饮了一口井底的甘泉。夏日，子夜刚过，丑时天就开始亮了。远处的狗吠鸡鸣之声隐隐约约传来，而他还贪恋在甜美的梦境里面，直到清凉的朝阳毫不客气地将光线射入堂屋，他才被迫在黄虎那热乎乎的舌头添舐下不情愿地醒来。 到了冬天，大片的水域已经凝结成冰湖。在月色之下呈现金属般的暗蓝色泽。风夹带着纯净寒冷的空气直闯肺叶，总是能打得你一个激灵。积雪覆盖在苇丛上，像是堆堆谷垛，只剩几根白色的毛茸茸的芦苇穗子随风摇晃，像是挥别那些悲郁的岁月。偶有缺乏经验的黄羊不慎走到了冰面上并很快滑倒，狼狈地挥舞着无法从冰面上站起的蹄子。人们不费吹灰之力地将其捉来，品尝一次冬日里难得的鲜味。那纯色的皑皑白雪一直要等到地底下的春天彻底迸出萌芽才会融化。在这漫长的寒冷季节里面，孩子们都会拿着钢钎到冰湖上去捉鱼：只要你的钢钎戳得准，一个窟窿下去，急于呼吸的成串鱼儿就会像泉水一样一条条接着往外直蹦。 还有那春温秋素的岁月呢…… 他在半夜从梦境中醒来，只觉得心下戚然。他瑟缩着下床，像小孩子一样无助地钻进淮的被子。他说，淮，我梦见了湖。 淮将少年抱在怀里，无言地轻轻抚摸他的头。他在她的怀里，重新温暖地陷入沉沉睡眠。 这样充满母性的长辈式的关怀，给简生的一生烙下深刻的灼印。被有温度的触觉所提醒，会时时散发出经久的感怀。带有醇香。回忆起来，总是令他微感沉然。 仿佛是重归家园 13 他从乡下回到家的那天晚上，和母亲在厨房吃饭。母亲追问他，你和谁一起去的乡下？他坦然地回答，和淮。母亲又说，你怎么能够和一个这么大的女人在一起？别人知道了 会怎么说？ 简生没有抬头，他说，我没有想过别人会怎么说。这是我一个人的事情。 母亲气愤地说，你可以不管别人怎么说，可我这个当妈的听到了我怎么能够不管？那么不堪入耳的闲话……你不可以这样！你再这样傻下去，混下去，你这辈子就玩完了！ ! 简生亦激动地还嘴，我怎么就傻了，混了？ !就算我傻了混了，你就现在才来管我？ !你管得着我么？ !你管别人怎么说我，你怎么不管别人怎么说你啊？ ! 母亲气得发抖，你怎么这么不要脸……我怎么着也是你亲妈啊，那个女人就哪一点好了，把你迷成这样？亏我还拿钱给你让你去她那儿画画，我真是瞎了眼！ 简生听得血气奔涌，再也按耐不住，他带着哭腔吼，我不配做你儿子！Come on!我跟淮的事，轮不上你来管！根本就不是你想的那样！ 少年的脸因为冲动和愤怒而格外扭曲。母亲甩手就又是两记耳光。少年被打得趔趄后退，耳朵又是嗡嗡直响，脸上火辣辣地疼。 他知道这样的把戏又来了。 母亲转身冲进他的房间去，在那边絮絮叨叨地骂，当我傻子么，你平时在家里，装作是做作业，背地里在干吗？你以为我不知道……她气得手抖，直接过去就拉开抽屉，从里面抓出简生的速写本，又扯开画板，翻出他的画，啪地扔在厨房门口的地上，指着那一对纸，骂，我的血汗钱，让你读书你不读书，晚上也不做作业，给你买纸买笔，你就一天到晚拿去画这女人，你不嫌你没脸啊，这个没出息的…… 母亲盛怒，越说越过分，从地上又把那些画纸抓起来撕掉。少年再也受不了这般的羞辱，眼看着他的那些画在母亲手里渐渐变成碎片，他忍无可忍地冲过去把母亲手里的那些画抢出来。他咬着牙说，你给我，你敢再撕我跟你没完…… 母亲未曾想到他会说这么硬的话，扬手又要打他，被他一把抓住。她无处泄气，便转身去寻了一只铁衣架，扬过去又在他手臂上抽…… 简生疼得不停地躲闪，母亲却还不住手，打红了眼。此时简生忍无可忍地跟她说，够了，妈……够了……他抱着头躲闪到边上，然后瑟缩着蹲下来蜷在墙角，留着道道清淤痕迹的双肘紧紧地抱着双肩，蜷着的双脚摩挲着地面，还在一点点地挪动并躲闪，如同受伤的小兽一样。 他胸中有激越的疼痛，止不住地哭。此番痛哭，他仿佛是要把五脏六腑都呕出来一样。脑中闪现着无数片断——失去双亲的童年，回到城市之后在学校受过的孤立和委屈，什么都无法满足母亲的要求，时常被打骂，亲眼撞见的母亲和陌生男人做爱的场景，令人寒心的家庭关系，婆婆的去世，以及对淮的苦恋……一切都如黑暗潮水般汹涌地撞击在心上，他并非是因心智混浊而顽皮无赖的少年，可以对一切熟视无睹，被打了屁股穿上裤子转身就忘。 他在性格上，与生俱来有着一种与才赋相匹配的敏感与脆弱。而于一个男孩而言，这或许只能是种原罪。这些东西他只觉得自己已经再也不能承受。 母亲听到他的哭，声音不大却格外让人揪心。他过去从未当着母亲的面哭泣。此番这样惊恐，母亲便停下手来，铁青着脸站在那儿，一言不发。 她冷静下来，心中有悔恨，亦有恨铁不成钢的怒气。走过去伸手想要把儿子扶起来。儿子却像惊弓之鸟一样甩开她的手。他几乎是嘶哑着哀求她，说，你别碰我。 他像小时候挨了骂那样蜷缩在那里，深深埋着头，哭泣渐渐变弱。母亲就站在他面前。过了良久，他在母亲的注视中渐渐站起来。 我不该活在这个世界上，他说，妈，要是你和我爸当年没有把我生下来，那就一切都好了……我本来就是个孽债……原谅我，妈，我知道我本来应该爱你……而不是淮…… 他说这话根本就是诚恳的。但母亲却被他这话给刺激了。她不能够接受他的不爱，与所爱。她又无法自制地拿着衣架在他脑袋上拍—— 你跟我闭嘴。你根本就是病态。什么都不懂。你要是再这样一天到晚跟她厮混，不好好读书……我绝不了你的心，就不信绝不了她的心……到时候非告她去不可。 简生听着母亲的话，只觉得绝望。他从厨房的案台上拿起一把尖刀。母亲面露惊恐神色，瞠目结舌，还未来得及让他放下，少年就当着她的面，一刀扎进了自己的胸口。 她尖叫。 少年在剧痛的瞬间，紧紧闭上眼睛，握着刀柄便蜷下身去。鲜血如同眼泪般温暖地汩汩涌出。他感觉自己的身体被来自母体子宫的羊水甜美地包裹起来。仿佛是重归家园。 一具破碎的生命体 14 母亲哆嗦着，撞见他的血。 在抢救室里，他作为一具破碎的生命体，被手术器械一点点修复。他相信他一定有心跳停止的时刻。否则他怎么毫无痛苦地，看见了婆婆，在靛青色的大湖岸边，摇着蒲扇，哼着古老的童谣。他感觉自己已经很轻，仿佛只剩下灵魂。 而那个时刻他深刻地后悔了。淮还留在那个他急于告别的世界，他害怕也许是再也没有机会和她一起，整天坐在空旷的画室里安静地画静物写生，看窗外的光线抚摸她脖颈后面一小块洁白温润的皮肤。没有可能再跟她打电话到凌晨，然后当感到寒冷的时候，看着淮急匆匆地送来御寒外套。再也不能在五月的假期心血来潮地和淮一起在一个午后往郊外走，一直走一直走，沿途是乡村泥土的味道，有一点干燥，甚至夹杂着牲畜的气味。风并不大，摇晃着乔木高大的枝干，哗哗地响着，土狗，男孩们疯跑，灰尘飞舞。太阳的眼泪落满了她们的肩膀和面孔。走了那么远那么远，在城市的尽头看见大片大片废弃的仓库和工厂，他一路跟在淮的后面脚步拖沓地行走，像个拖后腿的小孩。然后在太阳都垂垂落下的时候，站在河边梳理愉快的心情和疲倦的笑容。心满意足。 而未曾道别的淮，是否又能够记得，在初中毕业的夏天，一起去写生。在风景如画的小镇，溪涧清澈欢快犹似情人的眼泪。是他们两人一起，登上山顶，眺望层峦叠嶂。虎啸猿啼，鸟啾禽啁。清晨的雾霭丝绸一样缠绕在皮肤上。他们还看到了浓郁的绿色，层层叠叠的蔓延到远方，像是海涛，被一行风筝般的飞鹭打断，于是这绿色就灵动起来，他触手可及。淮又是否能够知道，站在山顶，当凉风呼呼地灌过来，他一直都想告诉她，他的爱。 他如何才能忘记，这一纸自童年尾声的夏日起，书写了这么多年的无字吊唁。淮多半是无法全部理解，这个隐喻背后的含义的哪怕万分之一。 他以为在自己谈不上有回忆的年纪上，这个世界上没有值得牵挂的东西。然而此时此刻，他在死亡的幻象中回首如此短暂的光阴，心里都竟能够充满如此丰盛而遗憾的感恩。在整个漫长的少年时代的成长当中，一直都有画画和淮陪伴左右。若一切尚未如此仓促地开始，他希望能够致她一束开得浓盛的山茶。因了在有限的记忆里，淮总是这般美好，并且一再给他以朴素的关怀。在她的衣襟上，亦浸染着简生整个少年时代的芬芳。 简生十七岁，他有如此不可思议的勇气，自己用刀扎进胸口。这世界不是每个人都有勇气做自己的刺客。除非对这个世界有足够失望，或者他足够不成熟。或者两者兼有。 只差半公分的距离就戳破心脏，十分危险。胸腔内部大出血，大手术进行了１４个小时。在那段毫无知觉的时间，他获得长久的濒死的体验，只觉得身体很轻，仿佛灵魂已经脱离躯壳，在旁边清醒地观望这具年轻而破碎的躯体脆弱地躺在白亮的手术台上，被寒光凛凛的冰冷手术器械修补和缝合。那就是自己么。他自问。 而他感觉，只要一睁开眼睛，就可以看见淮坐在床边，耐心陪伴。 生命何其坚韧，命运或许认为少年依旧还不到应该离开的时候，因此伸手挽留他。 事情发生之后，简生的母亲把淮叫到了医院来。简生出了那么大的意外，她找不到人帮忙。淮在漫长的手术等待中对简生的母亲说，让简生出院之后跟我一起住。他需要我的照顾。 母亲失魂落魄，声音颤抖地说，这是什么时候，你却来跟我说这样的话。我现在只求他能够活下来。你若还有良知，就应该知道他的死全是因你而起！她言语激动，无法自制。 淮不再争辩什么。她心中明白，人到了这个时候，谈不上理智。她只是安慰那个可怜的母亲，说，简生会没事的，一切都会没事的。 简生长时间地昏迷。他醒来的时候，因为失血而面色苍白如纸。他睁开眼睛便看到淮坐在身边。他欲要说什么，但是最终却发不出声音，试图说话的一瞬间，如此轻微的用力竟然使他再次感到胸口的剧痛。淮只看到他的嘴形，在说“痛”。 她看着这个可怜的少年，忍不住要落泪。 在简生住院的四个月的时间里面，淮几乎每天都过来陪伴他。送饭，聊天，给他读书，扶他走动。少年巨大的创口在体内渐渐愈合。 她总是对他说，睡一会儿吧，你已经醒了很久了。于是少年就听话地闭上眼睛，但一定踏实地要握住淮扶在床沿的手，才肯安心入睡。是这般惊惧无着的孩子。 他终究是不到该走的时候，因此必须继续面对生。 胸口的疼痛伴随了他日后漫长的一生。母亲心灰意冷。她后来长时间无法逃过一个恶梦，那便是儿子当着自己的面一刀扎进胸口。 母亲是束手无策的。简生后来康复出院，她只觉得相互之间再也难以面对。这其中太多的割扯，沉重并且纠缠，因了血缘的亲近，反而更加不能直面和承担。 她反复思量。直至最终找到淮，将简生托付给她。 她说，我知道你与这个孩子本来非亲非故。亦对他没有什么责任。我本是他母亲，应该尽其职责。但自从简生出了那件事情之后，我反复思量，自知自己原本不是一个好母亲，现在想要弥补，却依旧事与愿违。他对你的感情，可算是一种强大的寄托和转移，内容并不简单。因此看得出其中深刻。 我也是愿为他好。若这样对他，果真是好的话。 我愿付生活费用，这些你不必都多虑，也是我应该。只求你能替我好好对他。拜托了。 他获得一种安宁 15 住在淮家里的日子，他获得一种安宁。她照顾他的生活，为他做饭洗衣。带他出去散步。真正如同亲人般，让他拥有普通少年的平常生活。 她常常在回家之后带给他一个小的惊喜。令他无限愉悦开心。生活在淮的身边，简生只感觉自己仿佛是沉入了幽暗的海底，身体被海水般无处不在的温暖所全部包围，不可抗拒直至渐渐窒息。他只愿如此，再也不要停歇。 简生在淮的阳台和窗台上种满了植物，耐心地给它们浇水，仿佛是等待一个诺言一般郑重其事。花朵盛开的时候，就摘下来插在花瓶里面，放在餐桌上，弥漫出无限芳香。他每日清晨早早地起床，摘下带着露水的茉莉骨朵，盛满整整一只洁白的瓷盘，轻放在淮沉睡的身边。她便在沁人心脾的芳香中醒来，看见少年淡漠而英俊的笑容。Good morning.He said. 在房间里面画画，每日将那些插在花瓶里面的植物描绘在纸上。他画淮家里的静物，书橱里的小石膏像，茶几上的杯子，以及摆放的西洋酒瓶。阳光明媚的早晨，拉开窗帘，画架上昨夜的油画静静停在满屋的清香与光亮中。暮色四起的傍晚，放一首德彪西的夜曲，清晰的钢琴独奏如同潋滟波光一样闪烁。在小客厅里吃晚饭，清淡简单的饭菜，一边吃一边说说笑笑。简生去洗碗，淮便去客厅泡一壶俄式蜂蜜柠檬茶，倒在暗纹简洁的玻璃杯子里面，有着酽酽的迷人的色泽。某些令人愉快的周末的早晨，他起来，看见淮安恬的睡容，便拿出速写本用铅笔写生。在页脚留下日期，或者一句简短的话语。 他翻阅淮多年来留下的画，每一张都仔细欣赏。淮在美院进修结束，开始设计平面广告，还在教学生。简生身体恢复之后，常常和淮一起去画室上课。他坐在教室后面，目光穿过高大而林立的画架，凝视淮。淮有事出去的时候，他就替淮辅导学生。他的天赋以及技巧，已经不和大多数同龄人停留在一个水准。 这生活的美与宁静，叫人贪恋生之优美。唯有一次，在失眠的夜晚，简生对淮说起在北方乡下的岁月，那些童年中依稀可见的命运的谶语。他说，这些年来