Chapter 5 Chapter 5 The Doomed Catastrophe [Part 1]

There is an old Chinese saying that misfortunes never come singly. Although this sentence cannot be explained from the perspective of dialectical materialism, it is absolutely true.I just handed over the inspection to the head of the department, and I received a letter from my stepmother (because I didn’t want to have contact with my family, I didn’t tell them the address of my residence, and changed my mobile phone number, the only way they could find me was to go to letter from school).In the letter, he said that my father had liver cancer and was currently living in the city hospital, and he wanted me to go home once again.I haven't been home in over two years of college because it's enough for me to know they're alive.The tone of the letter was very plain, but I faintly felt the horror of the matter.Although my affection for the family has been very weak after my mother left, my father is the one who gave me life after all.We all share similar or identical genes.

I went through the formalities of postponing the final exam, and bought a plane ticket for the next day to go back to my hometown.I called him before boarding the plane, and he is still in Guangzhou.I told him that something was wrong with my family and I needed to go back as soon as possible.He told me to bring enough money.I didn't tell him what happened between me and his mother.Although I knew he would know about it sooner or later, it was never appropriate for me to tell him. After a short one-hour flight, I landed at the airport in the small northern city where I was born and lived for 18 years.Because it is already early winter, the city has already had several snowfalls, and the weather is very cold, but not as dry as Beijing.There are sparsely waiting and receiving people at the airport.I took the travel bag I carried with me, called a taxi, and went straight to the city hospital.

The corridors in the intensive care unit area are eerie and terrifying. From time to time, doctors wearing white masks walk in and out. The strong smell of disinfectant makes me suffocate.I inquired about my father's ward, opened the door and went in. The stepmother sitting by the sickbed seemed very surprised to see me. She stood up, looked at me, and remained silent for a long time.I ignored her and looked directly towards the hospital bed. My father was lying on the bed with his eyes slightly closed.The burly northern man of the past is now thin and thin, with chapped lips, a withered complexion, and the back of his hand is covered with holes from IV injections.Seeing my appearance, he seemed to become extremely excited, struggled to sit up, took my hand, and shed tears.I suddenly found that my father had aged a lot in the past two years.My tears flowed out unknowingly.

There was a long silence. "Are you short of money outside?" Dad broke the silence.His voice had lost all confidence. "No shortage." I said. "It's fine if there is no shortage." Dad seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.From childhood to adulthood, the only way for a busy father to express his family affection is the phrase "Are you short of money?"Even on his deathbed, he seemed to have no other words to say. "Dad, I'll take care of you these few days. You can rest easy and recuperate. I'll make arrangements for the school." I wiped my tears.

After listening to what I said, Dad actually smiled, very happily.He stroked the back of my hand tremblingly, muttering words: "Good son, good son..." I spent the entire night talking with my dad.I told him about the books I had read in school and told a lot of interesting experiences.I even wanted to tell him my sexuality on a whim, but I suddenly realized that it would be cruel for a father with terminal cancer.Dad squinted his eyes and listened to me, and gradually fell asleep.His expression was peaceful, like a sleeping child. That night, Dad passed away in his sleep.I wasn't even aware when his heart stopped beating until I noticed I couldn't hear him breathing.My stepmother has been sitting outside the ward.

When the doctor announced that my father had died due to ineffective treatment, I burst into tears.It's the only real sadness I've ever had in my life.My stepmother held my father's body and wept uncontrollably.I thought, maybe this woman really has a deep, deep relationship with my father.At that moment, I actually developed some perplexed affection for her. Father's funeral was very grand.Many of his friends in the business field during his lifetime came.The weather was very warm that day, which is very rare in winter in the north, and there were still a few unknown birds flying in the sky.

The stepmother has been politely greeting the funeral guests.That day she was wearing a black suit, her hair was tied up, and she put on light makeup, very beautiful and dignified. After the funeral, my stepmother and I went home.We didn't speak a word the whole way.Her expression was always sad, and she didn't even look at me. When I got home, I went back to my original room.The room was clean and kept spotless.The wall still has the Chungking Express poster that I had in high school.All the books I didn't take with me when I went to college are neatly placed on the shelves.I threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes.I haven't slept for two days and I don't realize until now that I'm pretty exhausted.

At this time, my stepmother walked into my bedroom, holding a large envelope in her hand. "Your father asked me to give it to you. I'm preparing dinner now. You should take a bath first." The voice was extremely gentle.After finishing speaking, she put the envelope on the desk and walked out of my bedroom. I opened the envelope and found a letter and a bank card inside. I opened the letter paper, and it was my father's handwriting: "son: When you read this letter, I have already left you.I don't know how much sorrow my departure will cause you, but no matter how much, as long as you still shed a little tear for my death, I will be satisfied.

You have been an independent and assertive child since childhood.I can understand your hatred for this family.Indeed, this family hurt you deeply while you were growing up.I don't know what you think about my drinking, your mother's passing and another woman's appearance.I can accept your resentment towards me and your biological mother, but I hope you don't blame your stepmother no matter what.There is nothing wrong with her, and she has been trying to show her love for you in her own way.Remember son, people can't expect too much, she didn't have any obligation to you.And there is one thing you don't know all the time, she has been refusing to have a baby with me because she is afraid that you will be wronged again after losing your mother.If you still hate her after I'm gone, just think of all she gave up for this family.

I hurt you when you were growing up, so I don't think I have any reason and right to interfere with your life, all I can do is to make you feel comfortable.I just hope that when you face major choices in the future, you will listen to the opinions of people who care about you, because you are a child who does things willfully, which makes you too vulnerable. I have been in business all my life and spend money like water.This bank card contains half of the life savings of your stepmother and me, a total of 700,000 yuan.I leave it to you, it should be enough for you to finish college and buy a house in Beijing.I left the remaining 700,000 to your stepmother.She's going to use that money to support the elderly on both sides and maintain my business.You two are my favorite people in this world, believe it or not.

child, i'm leaving.Forgive Dad for not being able to give you a warm family and enough fatherly love in his lifetime.Take care of yourself in the days to come.Be tolerant to others and you will live a happier life than you are now.If I can still be your father in the next life, I will make up for everything I owe you in this life. dad" When I read the letter, my tears had already soaked the writing on the letter paper into blurred lines.In front of my father’s dying confession, I suddenly discovered that deep down in my soul, I was so attached to this family and my father, even though I had been forcing myself to resist them all the time. My father spent the last years of his life under my indifferent eyes, but he confessed to me when he was dying.If it wasn't for his death, maybe I would never know his guilt and love for me in my whole life. I went to the bathroom and took a shower, using the shower to rinse my head again and again.The thin snow began to float outside the window again, like frozen tears shed from the sky. My stepmother made a big dinner, all of which I like to eat.She placed three chairs by the dining table, and three sets of dishes on the table. "Let's have a reunion dinner for the three of you. Go back to school tomorrow and don't delay the final exam." She said lightly. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all.We finished dinner in silence.Now it has become a luxury for a family of three to sit at the same dining table and have a meal. After dinner, I said to her, "Go and rest. I will do the dishes." She raised her head and looked at me gratefully, but didn't speak for a long time.After a long time, she shook her head and said, "You should go to bed early." After speaking, he lowered his head and walked to the kitchen. "Thank you!" I blurted out. She stopped, looked back at me, smiled slightly, and turned her head to do her work again. The next afternoon, I flew back to school.Before going back, I gave her my cell phone number and address, and said to her: "Call me if there is anything at home. Take care of yourself." She nodded. I suddenly felt that it would be great if she was my real mother, if she never left my father. Looking down from the plane, the tall mountains and wide rivers are like miniature landscapes in a shop window, close at hand but untouchable.I've been thinking about what Dad wrote in his letter.He's right, I'm an intolerant person, I treat everything I don't think is beautiful with an unfriendly attitude, which makes me have to love the lonely life.And with so much going on in those few short days, it made me realize that loneliness makes troubles more troubles and pains more painful. I remember Henry Miller wrote in his book that we swim on the surface of time, and our life is completed in the constant washing.In the face of such powerful worldly emotions, what is my maverick? [Part 2] Ever since I killed the child who was not blessed to see this colorful world, I discovered that I have a wonderful ability to predict the future.I don't know if all mothers have this change, but I don't like it.Sometimes I will be inexplicably irritable, and I know that means something bad is going to happen. Some time ago, Binbin suddenly returned to his hometown. He left in a hurry and didn't tell us the reason.He hadn't been home since college, so I figured something extremely troublesome must have happened.Two days after he came home, I got a call from him from the airport, and he didn't say anything, he just cried on the phone.I don't know how to comfort him, just listen to him cry quietly.I've never seen him cry, so I don't know anything in the world that could make him sad. Ever since something happened to Binbin, I have often felt upset.My intuition told me that something bad was about to happen to me.Sure enough, not long after, I received a call from my mother.She said on the phone that she had bought a plane ticket and would fly to Beijing to see me next week.After putting down the microphone, I dropped the phone to pieces and stomped on it a few times.I knew this day would come, but I didn't expect it to be so unpleasant when it came. My mother knew that I had moved out of my uncle's house.I didn't want to tell her, but if I didn't tell her my aunt would.But at first I just told her that I was not used to living in other people's homes, and I went to live in the school dormitory, and later I told her that I was renting a house outside.At that time, she sighed a long time on the phone, saying that she couldn't control the child anymore.God knows if I told her that I was living with a man and she would fly to Beijing in a rocket. When he came back at night, I told him that my mother was coming to Beijing for a short stay.He was silent for a long time without saying anything.I knew what he was thinking, so I said to him, "You don't need to see her. You can go back to live with your wife for a few days." I saw the relieved expression on his face, and thought to myself, after all, this man is worth it. Not worthy of my care. That night we made love like before, and I kept screaming loudly during sex.I saw an expression of surprise and utter excitement on his face.I'm thinking that what this man needs is so simple - just a woman who can be a little bit horny when making love to him, and this desire has not been fulfilled for most of his life.Thinking of this, I feel pity again. I put my arms around him and pressed my head against his chest.I heard his rapid breathing and rapid heartbeat, and smelled the sweat on his body exuding the smell of male hormones.We were crazy for a long time that night, we kept changing positions, and his orgasm after another pushed my excitement to the peak of happiness again and again.By the time it was all over, we were all exhausted.The quilt and sheets were soaked with the sweat of the two of us, making a mess on the bed and the floor.The whole room smelled of his cum. He fell asleep quietly next to me.I stroked the fine sweat on his forehead and fell asleep listening to his snoring. Instead of picking up my mom at the airport, I just gave her my address.I was just getting up when she knocked on the door, and I was drawing my eyebrows in the mirror.There was a Chinese cover of "sailing" on the stereo, and the melodious music made me completely immersed in the fun of whitewashing myself. "Do you live in such a big house alone? How much is the rent? Why don't you live with your uncle?" This was the first sentence she said when she saw me. "You are tired. Put your things away and let's go get something to eat." I ignored her series of questions, but put her suitcase in the corner, and then started to change clothes. I noticed that my mother kept looking at everything in the room, obviously trying to find something she didn't know.Before she arrived, I had carefully hidden everything related to him, so she wouldn't be able to find anything abnormal for a while.I noticed that her expression was full of doubts, but I couldn't find any evidence.So I started to feel a little smug. I took her to a western restaurant near where I lived, and I really liked the toast bread and vegetable salad there.As soon as I entered the door of the restaurant, I noticed that she frowned and said endlessly: "How can this kind of food be full?" We chose a table by the window.I asked her what she wanted to eat, and she said impatiently, whatever. So I ordered two of my favorites, one for me and one for her.If she doesn't like her share at least I can have more. After sitting down, I noticed that my mother has actually aged rapidly in the past two years.Although the skin is still fair, the wrinkles around the eyes are already very obvious.If it weren't for the fact that she was wearing a high-end suit, she would be like any middle-aged woman who is going to be a grandmother. "How is my dad?" I asked. "He's in Canada now, and he goes home about every two months. He told me when he came back last time..." "Okay, I see." I interrupted her impatiently.In fact, my father often called me and sent me money.He really wanted to come to Beijing to see me, but I knew he hated my uncle very much, so I was determined not to let him come.And I'm afraid that my father will know about me and him. My father is a very smart person, so he will definitely be able to find out.He is the last person in the world I want him to know. "Is it okay for you to live alone? Do you want to..." "No. I'm fine. You don't have to worry." I don't like the subject.I'm afraid that if I go around, I will be caught out.I know my mom, she's the best at this. "Have you made friends here?" Mom asked with great interest. "Oh, I've made some nice friends. They're all nice." My order has arrived, so I dig into it. "Is there any boy who treats you particularly well?" Mom asked tentatively. "Yes, there are a lot of people chasing me." I don't know why, such a cunning answer suddenly popped up in my mind. Obviously, the mother panicked: "Daughter, don't trust those rich kids, they only talk sweet words, and you, a girl, will easily suffer." "How come." I continued to eat my food. "Is there anything you particularly like?" Mom chased after him.Apparently she was skeptical about my sudden move out of my uncle's house, and she was just looking for evidence to confirm her idea.That's who she is. "There are a few that are not bad." I really don't know what to say, I really don't want such a pleasant lunch to be ruined by her boring questions like this. "Do they come to play with you often?" Apparently Mom thought that was a key question, because I noticed her eyes light up. I almost broke down.I suddenly feel very stupid.Why should I hide from her?What have I kept from her all these years?Now that I'm finally able to live my own life, why do I continue this intrigue that started in childhood? "Mom, I know what you want to know, and I'll tell you now." I took a sip of freshly squeezed watermelon juice and said, "I've been living with a 40-year-old man for a long time. He has a wife, And he has no plans to divorce. He is good to me, I am very happy, and I just aborted a child of mine and his the other day." I finished this pile of words in one breath like a plane bombing, and I felt a sense of relief.Well, now I have no burden, and she is the one who suffers. After I finished speaking, I continued to bury my head in my green salad. "The green beans are very fresh today," I said to my mother. I didn't look up at my mother's expression.I don't know if I dare not watch it or don't want to watch it.I only heard the rustling of the napkin in my mother's hand, as if her hands were shaking constantly.Then I heard her sigh heavily.I looked up and saw her covering her face with her hands, muttering: "Do evil, do evil." I don't know why, but a little pity grew in my heart, and I began to sympathize with the woman in front of me who I should call my mother.I know she must be very sad now, because the daughter she devoted herself to education for more than ten years betrayed her in just a few years away from home. "Mom, don't be sad." I held her hand. She slammed my hand away and slapped me with a wave.The beating wasn't severe, but it was the first time I'd been beaten since I was a child, so I still felt the burning pain on my cheek.So my sympathy for her was shattered by her slap. Apparently my mother regretted the slap after she slapped me.She quickly grabbed my hand, and said in a cold but begging tone: "My dear daughter, tell mom who this person is, and you must marry him." I pushed her hand away and said coldly: "I won't tell you who he is. You don't need to know. I already regret telling you these things." My mother gave me a vicious look and said, "Are you crazy? Why are you kidding about your youth? Why did I give birth to you, a shameless thing!" It's the first time I've heard my mother talk to me in such a vicious tone, but I think it makes me feel more comfortable than her previous nagging.Her voice was so loud that some waiters turned their heads to look at us. "Look at the fart, get out!" I yelled at them.So those few peeking dingys left. "Mom, let's go back and rest. I'm tired." I said to her.After that, I beckoned the waiter to check out, but no one dared to come over for a long time.Mom never said a word. After returning to my residence, I lay down on the bed and slept with my head covered.My mother has been nagging in my ear, and her tone is much more kind than when I was eating.Maybe she realizes that I'm not afraid of being hard.It probably means that I must marry him, he must divorce his wife, I must tell her who he is, she must talk to him, and she will never go home if this problem is not resolved.I was already upset, but after her nagging, I became even more upset.So I immediately ran to the kitchen and took out a fruit-cutting knife, put it on my wrist, and said to her, "Do you want me to die in front of you?" My mother stood there blankly and looked at me blankly. For a long time, she shook her head, sighed, and stopped talking.This trick is really tried and tested. I dropped the knife, put on my coat and ran out. The air outside was very crisp.I ran for a long time along the sidewalk. [Part 3] Obviously, the death of Binbin's father has dealt him a great blow.He never mentioned his family during our time together, so that for a long time I thought he was an orphan without parents.But he has always been well off, so I know he actually has a pretty rich family.We are all people with indifferent concept of family affection, so I can understand him. After I came back from Guangdong on a business trip, I ran directly to his residence.He was lying on the window, watching Milan? Kundera.This is in my expectation, because whenever he is in a bad mood, he will take out this book and read it. I don't know what he can see from it. Anyway, the book is almost torn up. It was cold in the room because he had the window open.The surroundings are messy, clothes, pants and socks are thrown on the ground, CDs and books are piled up on the desk in an orderly manner.Binbin's hair was disheveled and his eyes were darkened. I casually helped him organize the things on the floor and the desk, and then sat by the bed. "Still sad?" I asked. "I'm not sad, but I just feel that something is missing in my life. I didn't realize it before. In fact, it's completely different for me whether these things exist or not." Binbin said. I stroked his head and held him in my arms. "You go home and don't worry your parents. I'm fine," he said. I knew he wanted to be alone, so I nodded. "I'll call you tomorrow." I said before leaving. In the evening, there are guests at home for dinner. They are my cousin and her mother. I met this aunt when I was a child.In my impression she is a somewhat noisy person.After listening to her cousin's description of her, he became more and more unfavorable to this woman.My cousin just nodded when she saw me and didn't speak.I noticed that her expression was very strange, and there seemed to be some resentment.It doesn't surprise me that she often talks to us about her mother.It seems that her arrival seems to have brought unhappiness to the cousin. My aunt and my mother didn't talk much, unlike their usual style.I know my mother has been worrying about Binbin and me.So I deduced from this and the other that my aunt seemed to know something about my cousin.I looked at my cousin inquiringly, and she nodded slightly.So I got it all. It's really a cold season.All the unbearable truths were exposed one after another, accompanied by death. Supper ended in a dull atmosphere.After that, my mother and aunt chatted for a long time on the sofa in the living room.My cousin and I ran outside as if fleeing. "Where are we going?" I asked her. "Come with me to buy some clothes." My cousin said. So we went to a big shopping mall.My cousin has been trying on different styles of fashion in various dressing rooms. "I've almost forgotten the fun of trying on clothes." My cousin said to me in the mirror, "I used to please myself, but now I am pleasing others." "How did your mother know the truth?" I ignored her dreamlike nagging. "I told her myself. Anyway, if I don't tell her, she will know sooner or later. This is my mother. So I might as well tell her all first, and save everyone's time. Do you think this is beautiful?" " My cousin was trying on a jumper with something like a feather on the shoulder. "Aren't you afraid that she will go to trouble him?" I noticed that the price of the dress was 2400 yuan. "Since he is willing to be with me, he has to bear these things. Otherwise, he is not a man." The cousin said indifferently. I have nothing to say. "Have you visited Binbin?" The cousin suddenly seemed to remember something. "I went to his place as soon as I got off the plane," I said. "how is he?" "Not very well. His father's death hit him hard." "He is so unlucky. He is nothing compared to me. He was just punished by the school a few days ago." The cousin said. "Why?" I was stunned.He never mentioned it to me. The cousin turned around, faced me, and said word by word: "Your mother went to school and reported him." The arrival of this information was too sudden for me.I always thought that we could drag this history by not talking about it after it happened, so I never explained it to my mother.I didn't expect this thing that I've been worried about to happen.My inaction ended up hurting him anyway. "He hasn't been persecuted, has he?" This is the link that worries me the most. "No. In fact, he is more open-minded than you in many cases. I bought this dress." The last sentence is what the cousin said to the salesperson. I turn around and leave.The cousin shouted from behind: "Wait for me." I ran home in one breath and kicked open the door.Mom and aunt are still chatting in the living room.Seeing me rushing in angrily, they were obviously at a loss. "What's wrong with you?" Mom asked. "You know what you did yourself. I really don't understand why you can't see me happy!! Now you are satisfied, he was punished, his father died, and now he has nothing, it's all thanks to you !!" I yelled at my mom for the first time in my life.I feel like my anger has pushed me beyond my original role. In fact, there is something wrong with this sentence, because the death of Binbin's father has nothing to do with my mother, it's just that the two events happened to overlap, so I also blamed her on it. "I'm also doing it for you!" Mom said loudly. "If it's really good for me, let me be clean for a few years." After saying that, I turned around and left.I heard my mother crying behind me.At this time, my cousin had just arrived. She saw the embarrassing scene and my mother who was crying, and she obviously understood what happened.She asked me, "Where are you going?" "Leave me alone." I was not in the mood to talk to anyone, so I walked out the door. I was walking on the street in the early winter evening.There are very few people on the street, and occasionally some disheveled wandering singers can be seen on the sidewalk, playing guitars and singing songs like "Walking and Singing".Soon my anger turned to grievance in the cold and those messy lyrics.I never thought that one day my mother would hurt the person I love the most and destroy my happiness. I walked aimlessly, and unknowingly came to the door of Binbin's house.I pushed the door and went in. Binbin was lying on the table eating instant noodles.Apparently he had tidied up the room in the afternoon, and the room was much tidier.He closed the windows and turned on the heater, and the room was very warm. Obviously my arrival surprised him a bit. He asked, "Didn't you have dinner with your family tonight? Why did you come here?" I rushed over and pulled him into my arms, and kissed his forehead vigorously. He was at a loss by me and said, "Why are you so crazy?" I grabbed his shoulders, looked him in the eyes, and asked, "Why didn't you tell me?" He obviously understood what I was talking about.He gently pushed me away, continued to eat his noodles, and said casually: "This matter has nothing to do with you, why should I tell you?" I was baffled by him: "Why doesn't it matter? You are my boyfriend! If she hurts you, she hurts me. Don't you even realize that?" "She is your mother. Everything she does is for your own good. I don't want you to have any trouble because of me," he said. I hugged him behind his back and said, "Silly boy, I'll find out someday." "Want some noodles? Shall I make you a bowl?" He pushed me away. "Let's live together from today." I blurted out suddenly. Binbin looked back at me, blinked, and then smiled brightly: "Someone will help me to share the rent, of course welcome." I picked him up and kissed him deeply. From that day on, I really never went back home, but officially lived with Binbin.My mother called me many times, but I didn't answer.Fortunately, they didn't know where Binbin lived, otherwise they would be in trouble.We haven't called our cousin these days, because we know her mother is also in trouble.The days of living together with Binbin are far from worry-free, because we are both people with strong personalities, so we have more quarrels than before, but overall it is pleasant.During those days we had the highest frequency and quality of sex we've ever had in our lives.Overall, he was a much more orgasmic guy than I was, but during these days I became more and more dependent on sex.Having sex with him enthusiastically and taking a hot shower with him after work every day has become a constant agenda every day. After living with Binbin for two weeks, my mother called my office. "You go home once and we talk to you. Mom please." Her voice was weak on the phone. "What's there to talk about? I won't change myself, and if you don't like it, there's nothing I can do about it," I said. "We won't force you. Come back to dinner tonight." Mom's voice was pleading. "Okay." I couldn't refuse my mother's plea. I went home after get off work that night.There is a table full of dishes in the restaurant, all of which I like to eat.Mom and Dad were sitting at the dining table waiting for me. So I sat down.The three of them were silent for a long time. "Your dad and I have already considered it. We won't interfere with you in the future. You and Binbin can live a good life. He is a very good boy." It was still the mother who spoke first. I didn't expect my mother to say such a sentence, and I didn't know what to say. "You... really think so?" Mom nodded with a smile.She took out a very thin silver ring from her pocket.The ring is very delicate and beautiful. My mother said: "When I married into our family, your grandma gave it to me. She said that it can only be given to our daughter-in-law. Although Binbin is not a daughter-in-law, I should give it to him. Apologize to him for me. I shouldn't Treat him that way, he's a good boy." My mother put the ring on my finger, sighed, and said, "Your aunt is right, the children have grown up. We can't control it anymore." I held that ring, not knowing what to say. My dad never said a word, just sat there drinking.His expression was not happy, and I could feel that he must be very unhappy.But he kept silent, which was his compromise to the lowest posture of other things.So I was a little moved in my heart. "Thank you." I said. "You have very good parents." Binbin said to me later, "Although I know they can't really accept me. I can bet that they all hate me now." "I know, but it's enough for me that they can say these things against their will for me." I kissed his forehead. [Part 4] The arrival of her mother brought me some anxiety.Although I have always stayed out of the matter, I am still faintly worried that things will be revealed.I've always hated this weakness of mine, which is the fear of consequences.In fact, when we first made love in the hotel room, I knew there would be such a day, but I didn't expect her to come so soon. When I left, she had carefully hidden everything related to me.But I always feel that this is not enough to dispel my fear. For more than a week, she hasn't called me, and I dare not call her.Sometimes when I was in a daze, I would secretly think, if her mother lived here forever, would I never see her again, and all responsibilities and burdens would disappear. The cohabitation of two boys was beyond my expectation.Maybe it's because of how old they are, so I'm not very happy for them, even though their families are no longer an obstacle to loving each other.They are bad communicators, like me and my wife.The irony is that there is a marriage law between us as the last tie, but there is nothing between them-except for the lingering passion for each other. After they moved in together we often played together.We often hang out in a small bar in Sanlitun until midnight, from the moment it gets dark until the drunk people in the bar start to dance face to face to the music.I'm glad Binbin has been lifted out of the shadows.I don't know why, but I always have a certain degree of special attention to this boy, because I can vaguely see the shadow of my youth from him. One day we were drinking and playing dice, and all three of us got really drunk.她的表哥，突然指着我的鼻尖，说：“你是一个不负责任的人。你让我的表妹怀孕。她堕胎的时候，你又在哪里？。” 听到这句话，我顿时清醒了很多。因为他所说的这件事情我并不知道。 他的手仍然指着我的鼻尖：“你有没有真正关心过她？她正在面对来自家庭的非难，而你却在这里和我们喝酒。她在你心里是个什么地位，你考虑过吗？” 我突然意识到曾经是有那么一段时间，她身体憔悴，拒绝和我做爱。我以前一直以为是她的妇科病，现在我全都明白了。 “你为什么不早告诉我？”我问他。 他不屑的笑了笑，说：“你们每天睡在一个被窝里，这样的事情还要我告诉你？” 彬彬一直没说话，静静的在旁边喝酒。 我突然感觉大量的血液冲进我的大脑，让我无法思考。我真是一个愚蠢的人。我以为她的洒脱给了我可以不负责任的借口，但是无形之间，这些责任便都成了她自身的痛苦。 彬彬拍了拍我的肩膀，说：“他喝醉了，否则他不会说这些。别怪他。” I sigh.说：“他说的对。” 那天晚上回去之后我躺在床上想了好久。纾华带儿子在另一个房间睡——分床而睡是这几年来她想到的减少房事的方法。 我在想，她和纾华究竟那个人和我之间的感情才有资格称为爱情，是有性，有浪漫，有关怀的，还是有责任，有义务，有归宿的。我以前从来没有考虑过这会是一个问题。她表哥对我的指责让我开始鄙视我自己。其实我的可悲之处就在于此，我往往把很复杂的问题考虑得非常清楚，却无法勘破这些对于别人来说最简单的取舍。 那天晚上，我做了三个个很奇怪的梦——我是一个不常做梦的人。第一个梦是我和她在高大神圣的教堂里的婚礼。她穿着洁白的婚纱，腰肢曼妙。我把她抱进我们的房间里，房间四周的墙上都是巨大的镜子。我们穿着衣服做爱，我们在圣洁的结婚礼服里达到了高潮。 第二个梦则非常可怕，我梦见她赤裸着身子躺在手术台上，她的下体不停在流着血，她的惨叫不绝于耳，而我在旁边无能为力。 最后一个梦很简单，是一张孩子的脸，他朝着我笑，笑容非常可爱。 早上醒来的时候，我突然觉得问题变得相当简单。我的自私扼杀了一条活生生的生命，这是人类最大的罪过。在那个孩子的灵魂面前，我无地自容。 第二天早上，我打通了她住处的电话，是她接的。 “你妈妈在吗？”我问。 “你想干什么？”她警惕的问。 “我想娶你。”我说。 “你胡说什么，疯了吧。”她冷冷的笑。 “我想告诉你妈妈我要娶你。”我说。 “哦？是吗？既然如此，你自己和她说吧。”她语气轻蔑。放下了话筒。 过了几十秒，电话里传来一个中年女人的声音：“喂？” “我是您女儿的男朋友，我很想和您谈谈。”我说。 二十分钟之后，我和她的母亲在她的住处附近的一家小咖啡馆见面了。看样子她大概比我大几岁，衣着得体，年轻的时候应该相当漂亮。 “你怎么想的，说说吧。”她面无表情，语气冷淡。 我点了两杯红茶。 “您知道我是一个有家庭的人。”我不知从何说起。 “那你为什么还招我女儿？一个老婆还不够吗？”听了这句话她马上瞪大了眼睛。 “伯母（我生平第一次把仅仅大我几岁的女人叫伯母），现在说这些已经没有意义了，因为事情已经发生了。我愿意和我的妻子离婚，之后娶她。”我说。 “你早就该这么做了。”她的语气似乎缓和了一些。 “我希望您能给我一些时间处理其它的事情。”我说。 “可以，不过希望你尽快。我不希望我女儿再受一点委屈。”她说。语气冷酷，面无表情。 “没有问题。”我一口喝光了杯子里的茶。 晚上我约了彬彬他们两个吃饭。在饭桌上我对他们说，我已经打算娶她。他们两个微微笑了笑，没做任何评论。 “你们难道对此没有任何评论吗？”我问。 “这件事情绝对没有这么简单。”彬彬说。 "Why?" I asked. “你跟你老婆谈过了吗？”彬彬没有理会我的问题。 “这两天我就打算找机会和她谈。”我说。 “你有没有意识到为了这个决定你将会失去什么？”彬彬问。 “我当然知道。”我无奈的笑，“但是我必须这么做。” “没有什么是你必须做的。我们做一切事情其实都在为自己考虑。你也一样。”彬彬淡淡的说。 那天晚上我回到家里，儿子已经睡觉了。纾华正在洗澡，透过淋浴间门上的玻璃我可以隐约看见她还很纤细的身段。我突然想起我们的新婚之夜。那天我们做爱的时候她一直闭着眼睛，我记得她的脖子上戴着一根火红的缎带。于是长久以来，红色的缎带就成了激发我的性欲的最强力的催情物。 我脱光了衣服，躺在了我自己的床上。那曾经是我们两个的床。我昏昏沉沉的躺在那里，脑袋里一直在想究竟应该怎么开口说离婚。我不知道她会做何反应，只能尽力想象她所能做出的反应。我甚至开始编造离婚的借口——我不想让纾华知道她的存在，那样也许她会好受一些。http : // h i. baid u .com /云深无迹 儿子肯定是要跟着她的。她不会让她的儿子跟着一个抛弃了她的人生活，我也不希望我的儿子看到我和一个小自己二十岁的女孩子共同生活，虽然这几年我已经把社会地位名利的东西看得淡多了，但是我仍然希望在儿子面前保存一些做父亲的尊严。 正在我的头脑乱七八糟的时候，我看到纾华走进了我的房间。她的长发披散着，身上裹着一条白色的浴巾。我看到她雪白的脖子上仍然戴着那条火红的缎带。她丰满而不失曼妙的身材在薄薄的浴巾中若隐若现。顿时我的欲火开始在我的胸口燃烧，不知从什么时候开始我的下体已经变得坚硬无比。 我咽了一口唾沫，说：“有事吗？”我极力掩饰着自己的兴奋和冲动。 她笑了笑，没有说话，掀起被子钻进了我的被窝。我感觉到她温热的小腹贴着我两腿之间的敏感部位，她的不均匀的呼吸轻拂着我的颈子。我无法自持，紧紧的抱住了她，用力吻着她嘴唇上那我早已陌生了的味道。她的身体开始随着我的吻轻轻的颤动。 窗外开始飘起了轻雪。我在自己的床上和妻子做爱，思绪复杂。