Chapter 6 Chapter 6 Peachy London [Part 3]

The days of living together with Binbin gradually turned to calm from the burst of passion at first.Although my family acquiesced to what happened between us, Binbin never visited my house again.He said that people should have self-knowledge.Just because they accepted us doesn't mean they're happy to watch us make out. After a short stay, my aunt returned to Shanghai.I never asked my cousin what happened to her.The second day after her mother returned to Shanghai, she called us and asked us to go out for dinner.The atmosphere was eerie that night.At the dinner table, the cousin told us that her man had promised her mother to marry her.When the cousin said these words, there was no expected happy expression on her face.

"Isn't this great? You will save a lot of trouble in the future." Binbin said in a light tone. "It's not that simple. You don't understand this person." The cousin smiled helplessly. "What's the worst case scenario?" I asked. "We're not going to end well. We're two kinds of people," said the cousin. "In that case, why did you let your mother force him to marry you?" Binbin asked. "First of all, he himself said that he wanted to divorce his wife and marry me. I never forced him. Secondly, I want to see how things will turn out. It must be very interesting." The cousin sipped her glass expressionlessly. red wine.

I don't know what's wrong with the world, because I can't judge what everyone wants. The next day was the celebration reception for the company's third anniversary.I was terribly tired of group events like these, where everyone seemed like a complete idiot, repeating the corny greetings and toasts endlessly.But as a department head, I can't shirk it.After people enter the society, they will get up involuntarily. The atmosphere of the reception is basically pleasant.The fifty-year-old president drank a lot of alcohol, so he lost his usual gentlemanly demeanor.I saw that he had been chatting with a beautiful female employee, his mouth was almost pressed to the base of her ear.His hands also gradually became dishonest, rubbing against her legs non-stop.The female employee laughed up and down, not sure if the president's joke was really funny, or if she was showing off her good luck to other female employees.

I have been drinking alone in silence, except occasionally to say hello to colleagues who pass by, nothing else.Our company is so large that I barely know half of the people in it.Some people can't name them even if they look familiar, so I just don't bother to talk to them.What a long night.It didn't take long for my head to feel a little dizzy. At this moment, a female colleague came over and sat next to me. "You don't seem very happy~~" she said to me. I turned my head and looked at her. It was the manager of another department, a very popular woman.She and I are alumni of the university, so we are relatively close, so we nodded casually and said, "I'm not feeling well today."

"I don't think so. You probably have something on your mind. Tell me, maybe you'll feel better~~" Her voice was very sweet. In fact, I really have nothing on my mind, I just don't like to participate in this kind of activities.So I told her the truth. "So that's the case~~Since this is the case, let me accompany you. How about we go dancing?" She said enthusiastically. I was in a daze for a long time and couldn't think of a reason to refuse, so I nodded.Little did I know that this dance would cause me long and painful futures. She took my hand and walked onto the dance floor, and we started dancing.The music playing in the speakers is "Just Like Your Tenderness" by Tsai Chin.I like this piece very much.Her arms around my shoulders got tighter and tighter.I smell the scent of CD perfume on her neck.I remembered that Binbin also liked to use CD perfume. Although she used women's perfume, the smell was slightly different from Binbin's, but I couldn't help leaning my head against it.

All of a sudden, the effects of alcohol, psychedelic music, and the sweet smell of CD perfume made me dizzy, a feeling I had never had before, and it was simply wonderful. When the music ended, I found that we hugged each other like a couple.I heard her whispering in my ear, saying that she actually liked me a long time ago, and that she only liked my cold eyes and taciturn temperament.I felt hot all over, a familiar urge burning inside me.I wanted to escape from her embrace, but found that my brain couldn't control my limbs. We drank a lot of wine afterwards.She is a very smart and beautiful girl.She has been chattering to me about her life experience.She also said that she is a person who believes in love at first sight, and if she falls in love with someone in an instant, she will give her everything at any time.

No matter how stupid people are, they can tell that this is almost the most blatant seduction.But I don't know why I didn't feel disgusted, on the contrary, I felt a little ecstatic.No woman has ever seduced me.And women who seduce men have always been despised by me.But today, in the face of this woman who tempted me, I gave in. Midnight was fast approaching, and most of the colleagues had already left.I also think it's time to go back. "You take me home." She whispered in my ear, while hooking my shoulders with her hands, her whole body was almost close to me. I was a little dizzy, but still nodded.

I almost carried her into her room because she was so drunk.I put her on the bed and was about to pour her a glass of water when her hands suddenly hooked my neck and pulled me onto her bed. At that moment, I finally abandoned all reason and hugged her tightly.We stripped off each other's clothes in a hurry, and it didn't take long for us to be naked to each other.The moonlight outside the window shone on her snow-white body, like a piece of pure white jade.I think of Binbin's naked body - the boy's skin is not as fair and delicate as the girl's, but Binbin's brown skin is obviously more healthy and enthusiastic.

The girl kissed my cheeks, lips, chest, and belly like crazy.I lay on my back and stroked her shoulders and her long, straight hair with my hands.Her panting stimulated my eardrums and the entire central nervous system like an aphrodisiac, and I felt unprecedentedly excited.Making love to a woman is indeed quite different.Her moans were vague, soft and provocative. I don't know how long I was in a hurry, I entered her body.I had sex with a girl for the first time.Before this, I was so excited, but the moment I entered her body, I felt very boring, or finally disappointed—the woman's body didn't bring me too much freshness.Instead, I started to feel my own guilt and guilt.So I closed my eyes, because I didn't want to be disgusted with this body in front of me before it was over.So all I could feel was her unbridled panting and the creaking of the wooden bed.

It didn't take long for it to be over.I slipped out of her body and lay there exhausted.Her hands were still gripping my shoulders tightly, her face pressed against my chest.I wanted to push her away, but suddenly I felt very dizzy. It seemed that the effect of alcohol had rushed to my head again, so I closed my eyes and fell asleep again in a daze. When I opened my eyes the next day, it was broad daylight.I noticed that she was still clinging tightly to my body.She was already awake, looking at me with a half-smile.The pungent smell of tequila filled the room.I suddenly realized what a stupid thing I had done while drunk.I felt an unbearable nausea, so I pushed her away and stood up.

"What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously. "I want to go back." I said coldly.There is only one thought in my mind, which is to leave this place quickly and forget about this woman.At this moment, the image of Binbin repeatedly appeared in my mind.This deepened my remorse. "Why are you in such a hurry?" She still looked puzzled.Only then did I realize that she was actually a very stupid woman. I ignored her question.As I was getting dressed, I said, "We were drunk yesterday, and I don't remember everything that happened. If I'm sorry for you, I hope you can forgive me." After hearing this, she jumped up from the bed, stared straight at me, and said loudly: "What do you think of me? Even if you are sleeping with a prostitute, you still have to say goodbye!" I expected her to say this.It's what women say in the morning after they seduce a man to bed in the poorer TV shows and movies.This deepened my antipathy towards this vulgar woman.So I wanted to escape from here as soon as possible. I do not know what to say.But silence is clearly inappropriate.So I repeated what I said just now: "If I do something to be sorry for you, I hope you can forgive me..." Before I finished speaking, she slapped me across the face, making my ears buzzing.I was a little angry, it was all your own wish back then, what right did she have to hit me.But now my mind is full of self-blaming voices and Binbin's image, so I ignore her.I quickly put on my clothes and pants, and ran out of her house as if I was running away.I heard her shouting something hoarse behind me.After I got out I thought, thank goodness I'm in love with a boy, women are fucking trouble. After I left her house, I called Binbin, but he hadn't gotten up yet.I briefly explained the reason why I didn't return last night. I lied to him that I had been drinking with my colleagues and then slept in the hotel.This is the first time I lied to him.For some reason, I've never felt so terrified that he knows something.For a long time, we have never had anything to hide from each other, and in fact we have nothing to hide from each other.He didn't say anything on the phone, just said he was sleepy and wanted to sleep, so I hung up. Then I found a spa - I wanted to erase this memory as if it had never happened. I'm really, really sorry - this bad hangover made me an unclean man. After stripping naked in the bath and soaking in the hot water, I felt slightly better.It wasn't until this moment that I realized how hungry I was. I can't remember most of the details of what happened last night, but I just remember that I was very impulsive at the time, even when I was with Binbin, this kind of impulsiveness was rare, but after waking up, the regretful feeling The feeling is stronger than the original impulse.I suddenly felt like I had two souls in my body - one who was dissolute and easily seduced, and one who was cold but dedicated.Apparently the previous spirit took over my brain last night. After I came out of the bathing center, I went back to the place where Binbin and I lived.Binbin has already woken up.The hut was clean and tidy, and he was writing something on the desk.He wears a baggy shirt and writes with great concentration.At that moment, my self-blaming emotions reached their peak. I hugged him from behind.He turned his head and looked at me with a half-smile, and said, "There is food in the kitchen, I've already heated it up, you can eat it yourself." His smile was as bright as the sun, but I was like a devil curled up in the haze. [One] When he came back that morning, I felt that he was very different from usual.I can't say exactly what's different, but I feel that he always has a strange feeling.My hunch told me it had something to do with his absence the night before.In fact, he is not a person who is very good at hiding his thoughts. I think he may never realize this. This is the biggest difference between me and him.He didn't make love to me that night with the same enthusiasm as before, and I smelled perfume on his clothes-he never wears perfume.There was a vague doubt in my heart, but I stopped myself from thinking elsewhere-I didn't want to believe that he had the possibility of betraying me.Since he has vowed to love me, it means he has accepted the responsibility of being dedicated. School is a place I don't like to go more and more, because I don't know who spread the fact that his mother came to school to find me some time ago to the classmates.So my sexual orientation was exposed to a certain extent, and I could feel that many people began to alienate me intentionally or unintentionally.Although I have very little contact with my classmates on weekdays, when they look at me coldly and sharply, I will be inexplicably disturbed.It's a frightening thing that environment can do to a person, though I've been loath to admit it. At this time, my aunt who lives in England wrote to me, asking me to stay with her for a while during the winter vacation.This aunt is my father's eldest sister. She married a British diplomat in her early years and went to live in England with him.I don't have a lot of impressions of her, but I remember that when my family talked about her, they always had an envious tone.She has returned to China several times before, she likes me very much, and she has a good relationship with my father's siblings.I don't know why she suddenly wrote to me, maybe it was because my father's death made her feel a little sad, and she wanted to meet me to retrace her childhood memories. After my father passed away, my concept of kinship was even weaker than before.For this aunt in a foreign country, I don't have any special affection.When I was about to write a reply letter to reject her request, I discovered a fact that I have been unwilling to conceive and admit. One morning, before he woke up, I was bored, so I started playing with his mobile phone.I never look at his phone because I think I'd be disgusted if someone looked at my phone casually.After I turned on his mobile phone, a short message came in, the content was as follows: "No matter what you think of me, I will not regret what happened that night. If you want, I will be your woman anytime." At that moment, I felt a large amount of blood flow into my brain, and my chest hurt like heart-wrenching.It was an unmistakable message: His betrayal had gone from assumption to fact.Immediately my emotions became agitated and angry.I never thought I would care so much about his infidelity.I feel like the only thing I care about in this world is instantly worthless, which makes me despise myself very much. I stood up from the bed, leaned against the window sill, and breathed the cold air outside the window.My emotions went from agitation to anger.I picked up a glass ornament placed on the desk and threw it on the ground.That crystal-clear work of art turned to lumpy and powdery garbage in an instant, and a splatter of debris scratched my toe, bleeding profusely. Naturally, he was awakened. He stared at my distorted face and the debris on the ground with his eyes wide open, with a bewildered expression on his face. "What's wrong with you?" he asked. I feel my tears are streaming down my cheeks.The pain from the wound on my toe added to my grief. "You go." I just want to stay away from his face now.I remembered the scene when he said he loved me on the flyover, and now I feel that the conceited and smart self was so ridiculously wrong-why would he fall in love with me?That's because of loneliness.When he passed the age of loneliness, he would naturally look for a woman.I forgot how important sexual orientation is in love.No matter how much he loves me, he is not gay like me. He saw the cell phone turned on by the bed, and obviously he understood what was going on. "Listen, I was drunk that night..." he faltered in his explanation. "Go." I interrupted him.His explanation reminded me of the lie he told the next day, which disgusted me even more. "I really love you, there is nothing between me and her..." he continued. "You leave my room within thirty minutes." I didn't want to hear him continue to explain, so I slammed the door and went out. It was very cold outside, I kept running along the sidewalk, tears flowed stubbornly, the north wind blew where the tears flowed, it hurt like a knife.I came to the flyover where we met for the first time, looked at the gray sky in the distance, and kept thinking about what in this world is worthy of my nostalgia. I took out my cell phone and dialed an international number—it was my aunt.I told her I was leaving for England soon, and might stay a little longer.Aunt is very happy.She asked me why my voice was trembling, and I told her that the weather in Beijing is very cold. When I went back, I found that he had gone.Before he left, he cleaned up the shards of glass on the floor.There is a letter on the table, which reads: Binbin: I know that no matter what I explain by now, you won't believe it.But I still want you to know that I have been regretting and blaming myself all these days.I have tried to make every effort to make up for my mistakes.I have never had the courage to tell you the truth because I am worried that such a scene will happen today.It was my mistake that I didn't realize that love has responsibilities and obligations.I hope you can forgive me for the stupid things I did.As difficult as it is for you right now, I believe our relationship is far from over.Looking forward to your change of heart. someone who loves you I smiled contemptuously and threw the letter into the trash can.I find it ridiculous that it's difficult for me to trust anyone at this time. Soon I called to book a flight to London and started packing.I didn't take time off from school at all because I hated dealing with the school administration.At this time, I don't care about giving up anything, even if the school expels me, I don't care.What is that humble degree in the face of my dead, once holy, perfect love? In just a few days, I completed all the procedures for going abroad to visit relatives.He calls me every day, but I never pick up. Before boarding the plane, I sent a short message to Teacher Bai, telling him that I was going to London and I didn't know when I would be back.As much as I hate the city now, I don't want to take it out on anyone else who cares about me.After that, I embarked on a journey to this European island country.As the plane rose higher and higher, I felt my body getting lighter and lighter, as if I was going to float. London is a much more atmospheric city than Beijing.The day I arrived was one of the rare sunny days in London.At the spacious and bright airport, I saw my aunt who came to pick me up: a middle-aged woman with a plump figure and a pleasant smile.Her facial features are very similar to my father's.Seeing her familiar gentle face, I couldn't help feeling a little sad again. My aunt planned to take me on a good tour of downtown London, but I was in such a bad mood, so she took me home.My aunt was driving the car, and I stared blankly at the fleeting scenery outside the window—old, stale, and declining, which made me completely disappointed in this former center of the world. My aunt lives in a big house in the suburbs of London.The house is beautiful, although the exterior looks a bit dated.I noticed the huge garden outside the house, with butterflies with flower wings flying around from time to time. Everything in the house is Chinese.My aunt's husband is willing to marry a Chinese wife, so he is naturally interested in many things in China.A huge Chinese landscape painting hangs on one wall of the living room on the first floor, and next to it is a photo of my aunt and her husband—a lean English gentleman with a moustache.According to people in the family, my foreign uncle is an authentic China hand. Not only is his Chinese very good, but he can also write good characters. My aunt told me that her husband is currently on a business trip in the United States, and he will come back in about half a year. Her two daughters are also studying in other places, so she is the only one at home. She also has a kitten named Bobby.It was a rare Siamese cat bought from Thailand, and it would be sleeping on the roof. My room was assigned a guest room on the second floor.The furnishings in the room are very simple, a single bed with snow-white sheets, and a mahogany writing desk.In the vase on the window sill was an unnamed flower.I put my laptop on the desk and realized that this thin thing was all I had. Years of living abroad did not change my aunt's enthusiasm as a Chinese housewife.She asked me to take a nap first, and she will prepare a table of delicious Chinese food for me in the evening. "I can't get used to their food after so many years. Chinese food is still the best." Auntie said with great interest. I opened the window and lay down on the bed, the sunshine outside the window was very good.Suddenly something jumped in from the window, which startled me.I fixed my eyes and saw that it was a vigorous kitten with white body, but the corners of the mouth, ears and limbs were black and black.He squatted on the floor, lazily scratching his ears with his claws, and then jumped onto my bed unscrupulously, yelling at me very politely. This should be Bobby the cat.I saw him rubbing his little head against my clothes, then jumped onto my belly, and fell asleep snoring.Soon I fell asleep too.Holding such a strange little animal in my arms, I feel very peaceful. The dinner was really hearty, and my aunt was busy in the kitchen all afternoon, making a lot of authentic hometown dishes.She told me sadly that many of them are my father's favorite food.Speaking of which, we are all sad. During the dinner, my aunt kept nagging about the past, and it was obvious that she missed her hometown very much.When she learned that I planned to stay here for a longer period of time, she was very happy and even said, "Don't go back at all." Bobby has been lying under the table, gnawing on a fish bone with relish.He also glanced at me from time to time, as if he was afraid that I would steal his delicious food. It was raining lightly outside the window that night.I lay on the bed, quietly thinking, what are people in Beijing doing now?How many people will feel even a little bit sad when I leave? [Part 4] Shu Hua fell asleep quietly next to me, and I could hear her breathing evenly.Under the moonlight, I looked at her appearance carefully: the years are obviously tolerant to this woman, because she has not shown too much aging in middle age.Her lips are still as red as when I fell in love with her passionately.I still remember the ecstasy I felt when her soft belly was close to mine.I suddenly felt that I was actually a very worthless man. This was the first time I had sex with Shuhua in almost two years.Although she has always retained her usual reserve, I still couldn't restrain my impulse when I hugged her and kissed her.At that moment, I almost forgot about another young girl in my life—she used her Mood for Love to soothe me who was treated coldly by her family. During that time I have been living at home, she has not called me.Later, I learned from her cousin that her mother had returned to Shanghai, and I felt as if a big stone had been let down.I don't know why, when facing her mother, I always seem to have done something wrong.I began to understand why people should not do things that are unethical in the first place.Even if no one really blames you, you will blame yourself from time to time. So I started running back and forth between the two families. The difference was that Shuhua and I had intermittent sex life.Even though she is a woman with few desires, I treasure every time I have sex with her.I promised her mother that I would divorce my wife as soon as possible, but every time I had a warm relationship with Shu Hua, I couldn't muster up the courage to say the word "divorce".So things dragged on like this.The difference from before is that I spent more time in Shu Hua's place. She never took the initiative to mention the matter of urging me to divorce, and she didn't seem to take offense at my inclination to another family.But because I was tossed between two women, I had less sex with her.Apparently she noticed it.Many times I found that she seemed to want to say something to me, but in the end she didn't say it.In fact, I was very afraid of what she would say, because no matter what she said, I would definitely be very embarrassed. The days were spent without embarrassment or embarrassment. Binbin went to England for unknown reasons.He didn't tell us, although we kept in touch online.In fact, there is no need to guess, it must have something to do with the relationship between them.I've had this worry before that maybe neither their relationship nor ours will turn out well.Although our situations are completely different, there is one thing that is similar, that is, our love is not the mainstream of this society, and it is not tolerated by decent morals.For the past forty-odd years, I have been an ordinary person.In my mind, men of a certain age always want to marry and have children. This is a logical thing. Their homosexuality is just pursuing some unconventional excitement while they are young.It's just that I didn't expect their breakup to come so quickly.Thinking of this, I feel a little regretful and regretful in my heart-they are happy and unrestrained, at least in my opinion. After Binbin left, her cousin basically had no contact with us.According to her, he lived alone in the hut where he and Binbin used to live together, and became even less talkative than before, often staying alone in the bar until late at night.I don't know what happened between them, but my heart is full of love and pity for this child.Sometimes I feel like he's a real man and I'm not.No matter at any time, he is living in his own way, but I don't have the ability or the courage. Today's winter seems to be particularly long, and when spring finally arrives, all the people in this city are already extremely tired.Whether it is a child or an old man on the street, they seem to be looking for something with their sleepy eyes. It is the beginning of a new semester in the university.Binbin did not come to register.So I asked my relationship to help him go through the formalities of suspending school for one year.I think one year should be enough time for him to heal in England.He is still a child, he may not care about everything, but I still hope he can have a future. Not long after I started school, the department arranged for me to go on a business trip to London to discuss cooperation with the literature department of a British university.I think it's God's will, maybe God let me meet Binbin at this time.Even if we were never friends, at least I was his teacher.It is necessary for me to observe his living conditions. Before leaving, I called her cousin and asked him to meet at night.His voice on the other end of the phone was listless.He said he was not in the mood to have dinner with me.But when I told him that I was going to England to meet Binbin immediately, he immediately agreed. I barely recognized him when I saw him because his face was almost disfigured and his eyes were sunken. He apparently had a poor appetite that night, as he had barely eaten and had been smoking.He didn't smoke before. "Are you going to tell me what's going on? If you tell me, I'll find a way to help you." I asked. He was silent for a long time, shook his head, and said: "I don't want to mention this matter again. I only know that my mistake made me lose the person I love the most. He must hate me very much. He is nothing but me in this world. Nothing, but I broke his heart." "Don't blame yourself so much. The problem will definitely be solved." I don't know how to comfort him. "I'm afraid he has forgotten about me. That's fine. It won't do him any good to remember me as trash," he murmured. "Is there anything you want me to say to Binbin?" I asked. "You tell him to take good care of him. If we can get together in the next life, I will treat him well." His eyes were empty. I stood up and slapped him hard.The strength was so great that my palms ached. He was obviously confused, a little confused and a little annoyed, and said, "What are you doing?" "You're a bastard, you deserve a beating." I yelled at him viciously. He stood there dumbfounded, not knowing what to say. "Do you love him?" I asked. "Of course I love him. I just knew I loved him before, but I didn't realize how much I loved him," he said. "In that case, why did you say that bastard thing? When a man lives in this world, how can he not go the wrong way?" I felt my emotions getting more and more agitated. "I'm not a fucking man at all, I'm an idiot who can't even figure out whether I like men or women," he yelled. "You have to remember that it doesn't matter whether you like a man or a woman, what matters is that the person you love is Binbin, and he happens to be a man. As long as you admit that the relationship between you is true love, you should be for it Be responsible. Do you understand? Giving up at this time will only make everyone and yourself look down on you even more." My voice was also trembling. His mood has stabilized a little.I continued: "You don't understand how happy it is to be able to fall in love with someone who also loves you. If you just give up like this, you will regret it for the rest of your life." "What should I do? You tell me!" He suddenly grabbed my arm.A gleam appeared in his eyes. "Tell me what you want to say and I'll talk to him," I said. He hung his head and did not speak for a long time.After about 10 minutes, he slowly raised his head and said to me, "Tell him that I love him." We both drank a lot that night and we all ended up getting drunk.I vaguely remember that I told him a lot of things, and he also told me a lot of things, but we don't remember the specifics.It was such an unforgettable hangover that I couldn't remember anything but the hangover itself.The whole city of Beijing is like a hot tavern in Paris in the 1930s, making the whole world seem drunk. When I woke up the next morning, I found myself lying on her bed.She is drawing her eyebrows in the mirror. "Why did you drink so much yesterday? I vomited all over the room and I managed to clean it up." Seeing that I woke up, she complained a bit. "It's really hard for you. You didn't sleep well last night." I felt very sorry. "It's okay. Your wife called your mobile phone last night." There was a hint of sadness in her tone. "..." "You two have a good relationship recently," she said. "Yes, yes." I didn't know what to say. She came over suddenly, grabbed my collar, and said firmly, "You must divorce her." Her expression was serious, terribly serious. I have nothing to say but nod my head. "Breakfast is in the kitchen. I'm going to class." She smiled, kissed me on the cheek, and bounced away. I sat on the bed alone for a long time.I don't know what caused her to be like this.I never felt any pressure with her before, but now I feel like I'm starting to fall into a dilemma.I do not like this feeling.But I know that day will come sooner or later. Soon I was ready to leave for England.When I got on the plane, she came to see me off.She hugged my neck tightly before boarding the plane. "Tell Binbin I miss him," she said. "I will." I said. I sat in the cabin and slowly closed my eyes.A song is playing on the radio.I can tell it's "wind flowers" by Kenny Rogers.It was a song I really liked when I was young.Unexpectedly, it sounds a lot more comprehensible now than before. "Wind flowers/ wind flowers My father told me not to go near them He said he feared them always Said they carried him away/They will leave you sooner or later Wind flowers Beautiful wind flowers / beautiful wind flowers I couldn't wait to touch them/ I couldn't wait to touch them To smell them/ smell their fragrance I held them closely/I held them closely Now I can not break away/ Can't break away Their sweet bouquet disappears Like the vapor in the desert/Like the vapor in the desert So take a warning, son/ My son, take my word for it Wind flowers/ wind flowers Their beauty captures every young dreamer /It uses its beauty who lingers near them/ captures the hearts of all who long to be near them But ancient wind flowers/ But ancient wind flowers I love you~~/I love you~~” [bis] When he promised my mom that he was going to marry me, I didn't believe it at all.I know him all too well, he is a man who craves simplicity, and having two women at the same time is simply a pain for him.If he had the courage to give up any of them, he would be much happier than he is now. Binbin's departure brought me great sadness.I don't know why, but in my mind, homosexuality has always been a very beautiful thing.Homosexuals are often narcissistic and aesthetic, and they often have temperament that heterosexuals do not possess.正因为他们的自恋和唯美，同性恋情往往是近乎完美的。在我看来，表哥和彬彬就属于这一种。 如果说他们两个之间有什么不同，那就是作为一个同性恋者，彬彬更纯粹一些，所以就更容易受到伤害。但我心里一直有一个隐约却很坚定的预感：彬彬一定会回来。人在受到伤害的时候往往都有这样一种欲望，就是重写过去，抹去自己的和别人的记忆。但是遗忘远不是那么简单。 有一天晚上我打开了很久没有使用过的ICQ，想聊聊天。我平时很少上网聊天，但是那天晚上不知道为什么我心里非常烦乱，就是想和陌生人说说话。好友名单里只有孤零零的一个人在线，是彬彬。 我的双手有些颤抖，急忙和他打了个招呼。 彬彬：北京一切还好吗？ 我：不好不坏。 彬彬：他还好吗？ 我：很久没见他了。据说他现在只比死人多口气。 彬彬：……你们多照顾照顾他。他脾气很倔强。 我：你在英国一切如何？ 彬彬：很不错。这里气候很湿润，经常下雨。我喜欢下雨，北京的雨太少，经常会使人烦躁。这里下雨的时候我心情非常平静。我觉得来英国最大的收获就是我最大限度的享受了寂寞。寂寞真是一种很美妙的感觉。 我：交新朋友了吗？ 彬彬：有啊。我有一个叫博比的朋友。我们整天一起玩，晚上他还在我的床上睡觉。 我：不会这么快吧…… 彬彬：哈哈，博比是一只小猫啊。是我姑姑养的，非常可爱。 我：跟你在一起时间长了，那只小猫会变成同性恋的：） 彬彬：就像你表哥一样。 我：开什么玩笑。 彬彬：我没有开玩笑。real.刚来伦敦的时候我心里仍然非常恨他。但是在伦敦的乡村生活了这么长时间后，我渐渐明白也许错的是我。如果他没有认识我，或许他也会爱上一个不错的女孩，拥有正常的性生活。他是渴望女人的身体的。在这个意义上，可以说是我引诱了他，哈。 我：难以想象思考了这么长时间，你竟然得出这么一个愚蠢的结论。我是相信命运的：在这个轮回中他必然要遇到你，然后和你上床，然后爱上你，你们两个都无法逃避。他成为同性恋不是你的错，他天生就是个同性恋，只不过是你让他意识到这一点而已。 彬彬：可是他同女人做爱了，你知道吗？ 我：我猜，这就是你离开他的原因吧。 彬彬：也许吧。他同女人做爱，证明他是渴望女人的身体的。我并不在乎和他作爱的是男人还是女人，而是他和别人做爱本身，因为这几乎是对我的侮辱。既然如此，他为什么要让自己爱上我？难道他头脑中的爱情就没有一点相应的责任吗？ 我：我简直不敢相信我的耳朵，你，现在居然在和我谈责任。难道你不了解你自己吗？你之所以能活得比别人超脱点，就是因为你藐视责任。 彬彬：曾经是这样的。可是你知道吗，我爸爸去世的那天，我可以清清楚楚的感觉到他的灵魂正在离我远去。那一刻我竟然感觉这完全是我的错。我甚至没有跟他拥抱过。从那以后我才意识到其实人活着是应该有责任的。我对他成为同性恋者负有责任，而他对背叛了我和女人上床负有责任——我们都错了，所以分开是最好的选择。 我：你还爱他吗？ 彬彬：我也不知道我还爱不爱他——其实我始终不知道自己爱不爱他，从小到大我从来就没有接受过关于“爱是什么东西”的教育。只不过在一个人发呆的时候经常会想起他。 我：我也不知道该说什么好。你有做任何事情的自由，但是我想说我很怀念我们四个在一起厮混的日子，我很怀念它。 彬彬：别说我了，你们近况如何？听白哥说他打算离婚了？ 我：你相信那是真的吗？ 彬彬：谈不上相信或不相信，我不清楚他的情况。只是直觉上认为能够这样最好。他是一个负责任的男人——这是他和我们不同的地方。 我：我从来没想过让他对我负责任。当初是我引诱了他，他没有义务为此付出代价。 彬彬：你太可笑了。这个世界上没有任何人能够逃避他必须担负的责任。他必须为他所做的事情付出代价。你不应该成为受害者。 我：其实就算我们结婚了，对我又有什么好处呢。 彬彬：那样他就不会觉得他欠你什么，他就会安心得多。他会比现在快乐——这一切不是为了你，而是为了他自己。 我：一切由他吧——我不想做一个欲求不满的女人，就像我的妈妈一样。 那天和彬彬聊完，已经是深夜了。窗外呜呜的刮着风。他回他老婆那里了。我一个人睡在床上，心里有些害怕，于是把被子裹得紧紧的。我一点睡意都没有，于是我起身为自己冲了一杯牛奶，打开收音机。午夜音乐电台仍然在放着歌曲——是潘越云唱的《最爱》。 “自古多遗恨的是我 千金换一笑的是我 是是非非恩恩怨怨都是我 只有那感动的是你 只有那感动的是我 生来为了认识你之后和你分离~~~~” 我突然觉得自己很可悲——梦幻般的青春正在一点点的离我而去，而我却仍然在肆无忌惮的浪费它。我把自己的一切都用来满足自己对成熟男人的渴望，却不要求那个男人负一点责任——我凭什么？我这样下贱吗？ 他动身去英国之前曾经约表哥见面。那天我没有去。我觉得表哥和彬彬的问题还是让他们男人之间单独谈论比较好。而且我认为他根本就起不到任何作用。如果彬彬是一个容易被劝服的人，或许他今天的生活便完全不同。有些事情需要遵循自然状态发展，外力起不到任何积极的作用。遗憾的是，很多人并无法认识到这一点。 那天夜里他很晚才回来，喝了很多酒。我很讨厌醉酒的人，即使是他也不例外。那天晚上他吐了满屋子，我气得火冒三丈。于是我一边清理地上的秽物，一边狠狠的骂他，也不知道他究竟听见没有。我把他扶到床上的时候，他竟伸手一把搂住了我，在我耳朵边喃喃的说了一句：“我爱你。” 我手里握着扫把，白痴般的站在原地，不知所措。他从来没有说过他爱我。我一直不认为他和我之间是爱情——我一直以为只是彼此对特定的异性形象的需求罢了。用“爱情”这样高尚的词来为这段乱伦般的婚外情实在有些过分。于是我要确认一下。 “你说什么？”我问他。 “我爱你。爱……你……”他的声音越来越低。说完最后一个字的时候，竟然睡着了。 那天夜里我一直没睡，反复想着他说的话对我来说究竟意味着什么。 半夜他的手机响，我看了看，来电ID是“老婆”。不知为什么我心里油然生出妒忌之心，于是我挂掉了那个来电。那天夜里他的呼噜打得山响，我更是无法入睡，就那么睁着眼睛一直到天亮。一大早我就爬了起来，开始对着镜子画眉毛。画到一半的时候，我突然想到了彬彬在网上对我说的话。 于是我做出了一个恶毒却伟大的决定：逼他离婚。既然他已经说了爱我，这一切便是他的责任。