Chapter 4 Chapter 4 The Angel's Criticism [Part 4]

I finally met her mysterious cousin and his boyfriend.To be honest, when I learned from her that I was about to meet a pair of gay boys, I felt quite uncomfortable.In my more than 40 years of life dictionary, there is no concept of "homosexuality".Even if I have heard of it before, the only thing I can do is to interpret it as "love between two same-sex people".For a person like me who has received a serious orthodox education since I was a child, this concept is very weird and even disgusting.But I have no moral advantage when it comes to the fact that I am having sex with a girl about the same age as my child without telling my wife.So before meeting them, I was very calm.

We met in a bar called "Blue Whale".I noticed that she greeted the handsome bartender casually, and I knew this was a place she knew very well.The bar was crowded, but mostly young people in their 20s.My presence didn't attract anyone's attention, which made me a little less embarrassing in middle age. When the two boys appeared, I realized that we had actually met each other in the cinema.So I'm a little embarrassed. Her cousin was very tall, with formidably muscular arms, and a man of few words.And the boy named "Bin Bin" is very cute.He is more talkative than his boyfriend, and he has a lot of conversations.I tried my best to keep a natural smile on my face, but when I saw the ambiguous eyes between the two boys, I couldn't help turning my head away.I know I have to get used to them, but it's a process.For the first time, I feel old because I can no longer get used to new things as quickly as young people.

She kept holding my hand, and the two boys kept talking about things between us.The expression on her face was one of happiness, which made me feel at ease, at least it showed that being my lover was not an unpleasant thing. I don't know how long we chatted, but Binbin suddenly suggested that we go to a disco, because there is a very popular disco near the bar.She and her cousin strongly agreed, and I nodded too.God knows, I've never gone to that mess to jump in that shit, but I don't want to make her unhappy.I have always felt sorry for her.I figured that since she fulfilled my desires, I should satisfy her in other ways.

The disco was full of people, and I noticed that the three of them were extremely excited in the noisy environment.The two boys kissed passionately under the dim light, not paying any attention to what was going on around them.She loosened her long hair and danced cute moves to the music.At that moment, I found that her wild side was actually beautiful, and I seemed to be able to see the softest thing in her soul through her long flowing hair.She took my hand and asked me to dance with her.I was a little at a loss, but seeing the liveliness in her eyes, I also started to dance to the music.I knew my dance moves must be very ugly, because this place is not the right place for a university professor to show off.But in any case, I felt a thrill like never before.I felt that my indulgence and ugliness evaporated into the noisy air with my sweat, as if the title of professor, family, wife, and social status were all a silent smoke.I hugged her slender waist and let her radiate her heat wantonly in my arms.For the first time I felt like a man.

So, I gradually fell in love with the feeling of playing with these three young people, because it can make me feel less sorry for the lost youth.Drinking at a bar with two boys and then having sex with a girl all night made me feel like I was twenty again.We even watched porn movies together at my place and hers, and then we had sex in separate rooms.During sex, the four of us screamed unscrupulously and loudly, I like this feeling.We do the most shameless and obscene things in the world at night, but it does not prevent us from being aboveboard during the day. I'm becoming more and more enamored of this "non-family" world.I started living with her more and more, not just for sexual needs.I like the feeling of holding her quietly in bed after sex.Sometimes even without sex, we like to take off our clothes and hold each other.She has never believed that she has been married for more than ten years, and she has never hugged me like this, including my wife.

Things are often like this - what belongs to you is what you hate, but what you like does not belong to you anyway, and the most terrible thing is that what you hate is also indispensable to you.I don't know if many people survive this way, at least I do.I often wonder what my wife will think if she sees me hugging her naked like this one day.Sometimes—rarely—I even wish it happened, because then I could watch her expression carefully.Will she cry over my infidelity?Nobody knows. A new semester has begun.The department arranged for me to teach a class of British and American modern literature.I actually hate this arrangement because I tend to have to teach classes that I don't like to teach in this situation.However, English and American literature is my preferred field, so I did not refuse.

On the first day of class, the moment I walked into the teacher, I noticed a very familiar figure sitting in the corner of the classroom.He was also looking up at me with the same surprise in his eyes—it was Binbin. Only then did I know that the gay boy who used to drink with me and watch pornographic movies was actually a top student of this famous university.His attire was completely different from what I usually see him in.When playing together, he always wears wild jeans or a bright T-shrit that fits well, but today in class he is wearing a light blue casual shirt, which makes his already fair face appear Sunnier and healthier.Notes and pencils are neatly arranged on his desk.The only thing I was familiar with was his short hair dyed burgundy.

I smiled at him awkwardly, and he nodded awkwardly, then lowered his head to read the book. I have to admit the world is weird.When we were together, he used to be the gay boy in a tight t-shirt kissing wildly with his boyfriend in a disco, I was the bad guy who cheated on his wife and slept with a girl old enough to be my daughter, and now, in this room In the big sunny classroom, he is a well-dressed and hard-working college student, while I am a university professor in a suit and leather shoes.In the eyes of others, we are the same as all university professors and college students.We change our faces between the two worlds, but we don't know which one is real.At least I don't know.

There was very little teaching in that class, because my mind was very confused, and it was the first class of the school, so I mainly explained some things about the course introduction, homework, and exams.I noticed that he has been listening very carefully and taking notes meticulously. After class, the students quickly separated.He walked to the podium, smiled at me, and said, "Mr. Bai, would you like to have lunch with me?" Apparently he saw my name listed as a teacher.I am quite uncomfortable with his title, because we have never asked each other's name for so long.I just know his name is "Binbin".But I still smiled at him, patted him on the shoulder, and said, "Let's go, I'll treat you."

We came to a small restaurant outside the school gate and ordered a few dishes and two drafts of beer. "It was unexpected," he said. "Neither did I," I said. Lunch began with rather awkward circumstances.I don't know if he was trying to hide the embarrassment or if he was really hungry, but he kept eating.My appetite is very small, so I had to sip the beer one sip at a time.The beer in this place is terrible, bitter.Time passed slowly in such silence. So I had a question: When four people are together, we can also talk and laugh, and we can tell each other the dirty jokes we just learned or make some indecent jokes.But when I was alone, I didn't know what to say to this child.Identity is a scary thing.On the street at midnight, we can put each other's shoulders when we are drunk, but when we get along in another capacity, we have to face embarrassment and silence.

In the end, he was the first to speak: "Your class is good. It's better than some people with no real name." "Thank you." I didn't expect such a sentence. "..." He fell silent again. I feel as though it's up to me to break the deadlock. "When did you... find out you were gay?" somehow the question came out of my mouth.After asking, I immediately regretted it.I feel that my question is too reckless and nasty.When we get along together, we don't even ask each other's name, let alone each other's private life. He drank some beer slowly, raised his head and smiled at me, and said, "I didn't expect such a problem." "If it's inconvenient to say, you don't have to answer." I immediately interfaced, trying to cover up my recklessness. "It's not inconvenient. It's not a shameful thing. Actually, I've considered this question too. After thinking about it for a long time, I still haven't come up with a clear answer. Although I didn't know that men and men can also have love after I met him, But he's definitely not why I like gay people." He took a sip of his beer and continued: "I've always had a feeling that certain things are inherent and you can't choose. Maybe before I was born, I was destined to be different from others. Sometimes I notice I realize that it is not just me who is like me, but a class of people. These people are destined to be different from others. It is because of this that these people are destined to be lonely. Only when you meet someone like yourself can you have hapiness. "Actually, it doesn't matter whether you are gay or not. The important thing is that lonely people also need to communicate. And making love is naturally a good way to communicate, so we became homosexuals. For us, this is just a special relationship. . "Relationship is a very good word, and its creator must be very wise. It can explain all the relationships that cannot be explained in Chinese." I was overwhelmed by his grotesque rhetoric.Never thought a kid in his early 20s would have such an incredible attitude towards life.His frankness embarrassed me who had lived half my life.I just keep drinking. [Part 2] To be honest, I hate the confused expression on his face when he talks about his wife. Although that expression is not happy, it is not sweet, but it always makes me think that there is a woman peeping not far from us with.Even though she might not know what she was looking at, it felt like we were living in a house that didn't belong to us, and the landlord's preoccupied old dog outside the window was staring at us all day. This feeling makes me gag and not what I want.But I don't think I'll ever take the initiative to ask him who he loves more-me or his wife.I think it's stupid, and it's not my principle. Everything in this world is imperfect.For example, the most perfect man in my mind has become my father, while another man who looks like my father already has a wife.Although his wife never made love to him, I think maybe this is the cleverness of this woman: she knows that her handsome husband will inevitably meet many younger and prettier women than her, rather than growing old on the verge of being forgotten , it would be better to hide all the ugliness that may be exposed in sex.In this way, she can look at her husband's unsatisfactory ugly face with a virginal smile, and find pleasure in the process that may be more joyful than sex. This is a castrated woman, I think.She castrated herself while trying to castrate her husband.She's a vicious bitch. Things are often unpredictable. One very sunny afternoon, I suddenly felt very sick.I have never felt that kind of feeling before, as if something is falling on my chest, I want to vomit but I can't vomit.Because of fighting with my mother since I was a child, I have never had any serious illness, so when this unusual feeling came, I was taken aback.I cherish life very much, even when my life is most boring, so I decided to go to the hospital for a checkup. The gynecologist said to me with a serious expression: "You are pregnant." I didn't expect it, and I was dumbfounded. There was nothing in my mind at the time, because the concept of "pregnancy" was too far away for me all the time. I never thought that one day I would be pregnant, because I inferred pregnancy and pregnancy from my mother's hatred for me. Giving birth must have been a very painful thing. The doctor was very knowledgeable and didn't ask me stupid questions like "Why didn't the baby's father come?"He just put the medical certificate in my hand and said to me: "Don't do strenuous exercise these few days, if there is something wrong, come to the hospital to solve it." I politely thanked him for his work ethic and walked out of the hospital alone. The sun outside was so vicious that the sidewalk beside the Second Ring Road was almost melted.I was walking very fast, and I could feel my breath getting short of breath.At that moment I thought I was dying. That night, I asked my cousin and Binbin to meet at Blue Whale.Instead of a beer, I ordered a glass of orange juice without ice.When I didn't think about how to deal with this child, I tried not to hurt him. When I told my cousin and Binbin the news, they all showed varying degrees of surprise.This is what I expected.I noticed that after a brief surprise, my cousin immediately showed a somewhat angry expression. He drank a big gulp of beer. The beer was cold, and he shivered several times. "How did this happen? Why are you so careless?" my cousin asked. Binbin never spoke.He just kept stirring the coffee in front of him with a spoon, causing it to foam up a lot of white foam. "I didn't ask you to come here to judge me, but to discuss with you how to deal with this child." I gave him a blank look. I noticed that Binbin tugged on my cousin's clothes in private, so my cousin remained silent. Binbin said: "We are not the ones to help you make decisions. Only you have the right to decide this matter. The two of us will do our best to help you. I just hope that you will fully consider your decision before making a decision. The impact it's going to have — on your life, on the lives of those around you." Cousin's expression changed slightly, but soon he started drinking again. A long silence followed. "I want to go jumping, but the doctor doesn't let me do strenuous exercise, let's go to the movies." I suggested.I don't know why, but after listening to Binbin's words and seeing my cousin's expression, I feel a strange sense of relief in my heart.I have always thought that I would never need anyone's help and support in this world, but now I feel that it is actually very difficult for a person to make a decision-maybe I don't need help from others, but I need spirit support on .My mother and I were full of hatred, and I was the mistress of a man 20 years older than me, so what.I don't care, and neither do they.Cousin has always been not good at talking, but his serious and slightly angry expression made me feel that there is even something called family affection in this world. We walked into the movie theater at midnight.There were only a few couples sitting in the huge venue. Maybe they didn't have the slightest sense of what movie was on the screen. All they had in their eyes were the two flaming lips in front of them. I almost forgot the name of that movie, I just remember that the red-haired girl in the movie was running all the time, as if she was running towards some goal, but there was nothing in front of her except a flat road. After the movie, my cousin and Binbin sent me home.He was not at home, because today is the weekend, and he is going to accompany his wife to his father-in-law's house.In fact, sometimes I really like the feeling of being alone at home.In the beginning I was so enamored with him that I wanted to be with him 24 hours a day.But when I got too close, I found that things were not as I imagined.Two people have been together for a long time, and they are full of each other's shortcomings in their eyes.He changed from an idol to a mortal in my heart, and this process of transmutation was painful for me.But I still consider myself lucky to have met him.And today, I am pregnant with his child again. I looked at myself in the mirror. My figure was perfect, with white skin and a slender waist.So I thought if I gave birth to this child, what would I look like?I have seen pictures of my mother when she was a student, she was very beautiful at that time, and I think she must be very gentle and kind at that time. At night, I had a dream in a daze. I dreamed that he and I were making love crazily on our big bed, and his wife knelt on the ground and begged him and me bitterly.He ignored his wife's pleading and caressed my body wantonly.I woke up from the nightmare, sweating profusely. I quickly called my cousin and Binbin, and said to them: "Accompany me to the hospital for an abortion." Abortions are over quickly.The whole process was full of intolerable pain.I gritted my teeth until the end.I just realized that creating a life is so easy, but destroying a life is so painful and difficult.When I came out of the operating room, my face was pale, but I was very happy, as if something had been unloaded. "This time I can dance D again." I suppressed my weakness and said to my cousin and Binbin with a smile. My cousin frowned and said, "Go home. Let's have a good meal tonight." As a result, a life that hadn't seen everything in the world died so early.I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but at least it doesn't bother anyone, at least the ones I care about.He would not want to face two children while running between two women, one of whom can only be regarded as an "illegitimate child". If my almighty mother finds out about this, the world will definitely be in chaos.I was never afraid of her making trouble, but I really hate trouble.Life is tiring enough now, I don't want to torment myself anymore.I even decided not to tell him at all to make him feel less guilty.This man is pathetic enough.He has a frigid wife and a lover who doesn't love him that much. After he came home, he found that my complexion was not right, and asked me if I was sick.I told him that this was my perennial gynecological disease and that it was nothing serious, just rest for two days and it would be fine.He didn't suspect it, and he didn't ask for sex with me.He was so tired that he fell asleep quickly in my arms.I touched his forehead, which was dripping with sweat.I suddenly realized that it was so unfair for me to demand and blame him on weekdays, because he faced maybe the two most difficult women in the world.In the beginning, I didn't even want to hold him accountable, just wanted him to hold me.But when I saw their family of three watching a movie happily and seeing his dignified and virtuous wife, I tried to destroy it.Just as I tried to destroy my mother when she shared my father's love with me.I asked him to give me a family and to run between two women as the price he had to pay for having sex with me. In fact, the starting point of our lovemaking is to attract each other, and there is no question of who owes whom.But he always thought he owed me.He is kind, but the two women around him use sex as a weapon.His wife traded indifference for his permanent respect and longing, and I traded warmth for his alienation from another family.I never pushed him for a divorce because I knew it was not the right time.I want to watch this family, especially the woman who tortured him all his life, be slowly destroyed in my hands.From this perspective, I am more despicable than his wife, at least she hurt only her husband, while I hurt their whole family and myself. I never knew I had retained this goodness of the essence of conscience.He lay in my arms and began to snore like a tired child.So I decided to keep the aborted child a secret forever, because at this moment I gave up the idea of ​​destroying this family.I don't know if it's because of this kid.I almost became a mother, and I almost put him in the most difficult choice in the world.He has no obligation to lose too much for me.The dream I had that night was entangled in my mind for a long time and I couldn't get rid of it. [Part 3] I remember a wise man once said that the only good thing about passion is that it can make people who watch passion have the desire to get passion, but the creators of this passion often pay the price for their passion being watched .Binbin and I live a passionate life, at least in my opinion.He once told me that he regarded sex as half of his life, while I always regarded sex as a pastime when I had nothing to do.Obviously I have a lot of time when I have nothing to do, so our sex life is very frequent and passionate.Any time and any occasion can be our mutual comfort bed.Until one day, I paid for it. One drunken late night, we walked out of a movie theater that ended at midnight.It's cold outside.Originally we were supposed to go to his residence, but the effect of alcohol made us return to my home by some strange circumstances.Parents are already in bed.I opened the door with the key.The two of us staggered into my room. The room was as messy as ever, but very warm.Binbin rested his head on my chest half asleep and half awake, I could feel the breath from his mouth, that breath passed over my chest lightly, just like the feeling of his slender fingers stroking me.At that moment, I suddenly felt excited.I picked him up and threw him hard on the bed.He opened his eyes suddenly, I immediately pressed on his body, kissed his lips, and tore open his shirt with both hands, I heard the buttons on the shirt slamming all over the floor.He responded to me enthusiastically, and I noticed that his chest was also rising and falling. At this moment, the door of my bedroom was flung open.I noticed my mom standing in the doorway, gaping at what was happening before her eyes that she couldn't explain: her son was kissing his best gay friend, they were disheveled, the boy was flushed and his clothes were torn open.If it were a man and a woman, this would be the most glamorous scene in the world.But now, it is a restricted area of ​​thought that many people can't imagine and don't want to imagine. It was literally the most embarrassing moment growing up, having visions of the end of the world in my head.Binbin got up quickly, put on his coat, and walked out of my house with his head down.It was obviously inopportune for him to stay, but I somewhat blamed him for leaving me alone for such an embarrassment.I noticed that my mother was watching Binbin's back with resentful eyes.This kind woman had never looked at anyone with such eyes. I sat on the edge of the bed decadently, not knowing what to say.I was very angry that she had peeped into my private life, but I couldn't blame her. My mother asked me with a trembling voice: "How long have you been...?" "Not long." I found it very annoying, because this question made me feel that the relationship between me and Binbin was similar to cheating or whoring. "How did you get this..." I noticed my mother start to cry. "You go to bed. I'm sleepy." I became more and more impatient.Because in my opinion, if a person calls such a beautiful thing in my life a "glitch", then I have no reason to continue talking with him or her. I turned off the light in the room and closed my eyes.I heard my mother standing at the door and sighing. After a while, she closed my door gently and left. After she left, for a long time I felt as if something was blocked in my heart.I called Binbin's cell phone, and it took a long time for him to answer the call. "Is things better?" His voice was very soft and seemed tired. "Why did I fall in love with you?" I said. Binbin pondered for a long time, and said: "Because you must love me. The only person you can choose to love is me." There was a hint of mischievousness in his tone, which made me feel more or less comfortable. "I'm afraid I'm in trouble this time. Trouble. If I knew we'd be in the street..." I said. "Listen," Binbin overtook me, "the reason why this thing happened in your bedroom is because in our opinion, it is the most natural thing. You know, it won't Happened on the street because of the wrong time and place. We just happened to have sex with each other in your bedroom and your mom walked in at that time. If you think it's our fault, then It was your biggest mistake." I have nothing to say.Because I know he has a point. He continued: "Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a man who liked to watch operas. Every time there was a drama or musical performed in the city where he lived, he would go to see it, no matter whether it was famous or interesting. At last The strange thing is that every time he watches a play, his emotions will change drastically with the plot of the play. If it is a tragedy, he will cry like no one else; if it is a drama, he will also laugh heartily. The surrounding The audience thought he was a lunatic, because the people who came to the theater were the upper class people in society. They regarded drama as a kind of thing to cultivate their temperament, so they were always serious when they watched the theater. One day, there was a man who couldn't stand Curious, I asked this person why he was so easily infected by the plot. The person said, in fact, every drama is a real life, and we watch a drama to experience life with concentration. If a person is willing to sit in the audience, When a mediocre audience, then he will never experience the fun of watching the theater." "...What does this story mean?" I was confused by him. "If we're always trying to be spectators, then in the end we won't be having any fun in our lives. Go to bed early. I'll call you tomorrow." He hung up. I thought about what he just said in my head, and fell asleep in a daze. The next day I slept until noon and didn't get up.Just as I was about to go to work, I realized that today was the weekend, so I lay down again dejectedly. In the afternoon, my mother knocked on the door of my room suddenly.I opened the door and found a man with glasses standing behind her.The man was probably in his forties, wearing a neat suit and carrying a worn-out leather bag, like an insurance employee walking around the house. My mother introduced me kindly: "This is Mr. Liu, a friend of your father. You two have a good talk, and I will make dinner." It dawned on me that this was the therapist from my teenage years.I immediately understood what my mother meant.I said, "There's nothing to talk about. I've got things to do." Mom was not angry, but still had a smile on her face, and said, "Just chatting casually, nothing to be nervous about." After finishing speaking, my mother closed my door and walked out. The man had a programmed smile on his face. I stood up coldly.Want to open the door and go out. He held me back and said, "Don't rush away, we'll only talk for a while." I hesitated, as I was eager to hear what this man had to say, and sat down. He asked: "When did you find out that you like the same sex?" He was fat, with thick eyes set on narrow slits, which made him look ridiculous.I suddenly had the urge to fool him.So I said, "Since I found out I had AIDS." I noticed a jerk in his body, obviously I startled him.He is a psychiatrist, not a venereal disease doctor. Obviously, he was a little surprised when he heard these three words suddenly. He leaned his body back and continued to ask: "When... did you get this disease?" "Since sleeping with a whore." My face was deadpan. He was visibly terrified, as I noticed a flicker in his otherwise determined eyes. While he was in a daze, I immediately grabbed his hand and said, "Doctor, do you think I can still be saved?" He jumped up like an electric shock, and backed away vigorously.As he walked, he said in a trembling voice, "We...we'll talk another day. I... I have something to do. Goodbye." After he finished speaking, he opened my door and ran out as if to escape.I heard him say goodbye to my mother, and then walked out the door of my house in a daze. How come there are so many idiots in this world.I thought to myself. Then I got dressed and walked out of the house.I need time to get over the unhappiness of that idiot doctor.So I decided to go to Binbin. Binbin was lying on the bed reading a book. When I came in, he didn't even look up and said, "How is it? The trouble started today, right?" I smile wryly.Say, "No big deal, just a silly Doctor X. I scared him away. Let's go for a walk and get something to drink." "Okay." He jumped out of bed and began to put on his coat. "I've been in bed all day and I'm suffocating." In the bar, I told him about scaring the therapist away, and he laughed so hard.I don't know why, but I always have an ominous premonition, as if the real "big trouble" hasn't come yet.In the not-too-distant future, something terrible still awaits me. It was getting dark, and WHAM's "careless whisper" sounded in the bar, and a couple of couples in the bar began to embrace and dance.Binbin looked at me with a half-smile.I said to him, "Dance with me." He asked, "Which one of us will take whom?" "It doesn't matter whoever leads, as long as it's the two of us." I pulled him up from his seat and walked onto the dance floor. When dancing, our faces were very close, and I hugged his waist tightly, making our bodies close together.I heard whispers already, but to me those insignificant sounds sounded like the moaning of a weasel in a field.The melodious voice of the lead singer floated over the dance floor for a long time. "I'm never gonna dance again/I'm never gonna dance again Guilty feet have got no rhythm/ Guilty feet have got no rhythm though it's easy to pretend I know your not a fool Should've known better than to cheat a friend/I shouldn't have cheated on you and waste the chance that I've been given so I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you/ completely forgot the way we danced with you" [One] He seemed to be talking too much that night, which gave me a very uneasy feeling.In the past, when we were together, it was always me talking endlessly, while he just drank quietly and listened, but that day was different.He told me in detail how he scared the psychiatrist away.From his tone, I can imagine the pitiful appearance of that person.He even danced cheek-to-cheek with me while the music was playing. I am a person who only cares about my own happiness and doesn't care what people around me think.But the whispering of vulgar people in the bar when we were dancing still harassed me and made me feel violated.The atmosphere throughout the evening was pleasant, but for some reason I always felt that something troublesome was waiting for me.Because I have always believed that everything in this world is balanced - you have an extra pleasant evening, then you have to pay a certain price for this evening.Although this night may not have any real connection with the price you will pay, it does not prevent them from following the law of natural philosophy carefully. We had crazy sex that night in my room.He didn't come home.I noticed his cell phone was vibrating and I knew it must be from his home to check if he was with me.He didn't care about it, and only frowned and said "fuck" when the buzzing vibration disturbed him. The next morning, he got up earlier than me because he had to go to work.I had no class in the morning, and I didn't get out of bed until the afternoon to go to school.As soon as I walked into the classroom, I noticed that the head teacher was sitting in my seat, and seemed to be waiting for me.Seeing me coming in, he stood up and said to me with no expression on his face: "There is someone who wants to see you. Come with me." 我一贯是很瞧不起班主任的，因为她既无学术上的造诣也无管理上的能力，无外乎是比较会拍系主任的马屁。而且她四十余岁，容貌可憎，看见他我就会想起我的继母。 我没有和她说话，就跟着她走进了她的办公室。我看到在接待客人的沙发上坐着一个中年女人，表情凝重。我认得这个女人，是他的妈妈。 What should come will eventually come.我当时竟然有一种如释重负的感觉。我清楚她迟早是要来找我的，只不过我没想到这个女人比我想象得狠一些——她居然直接找到我的学校来。 我在她的对面坐下。班主任表情很谦恭的给她倒了杯水，之后走了出去，并且关上了门。屋子里只剩我们俩。 长时间的寂静。我一直低着头看着大理石地面上的花纹。 终于她打破了寂静，说：“我希望你能离开我的儿子。” 语气仍然很和蔼，但非常坚定，不容商量。 “伯母，我希望我能和你解释清楚，这件事情不是想象的这么简单。”我试图跟她解释一下，因为她是他的母亲，而且以前一直对我非常友好，所以我认为应该保持对她应有的尊重。 “孩子，你们都还年轻，年轻人会做出荒唐的事情，这些我可以理解。但是既然是荒唐事，就应该适可而止。你们都前途无量，这样岂不是把自己毁掉了？”语气很和蔼，而且充满慈爱。尽管她的话让我觉得非常可笑。 我觉得既然她已经有这样的先入之见，谈下去也没什么意思。于是我站起身，对她说：“伯母，看来你和我对于这件事情的理解有本质上的分歧，所以我们根本谈不出什么结果。我只是希望您仔细想想，您是否希望您的儿子开心和幸福。我们都是可以为自己行为负责的成年人，如果您认为我们之间的快乐是'荒唐事'，那我也无话可说。”说完，我转身往门外走。 她突然站了起来，颤抖着声音说：“既然如此，你不要怪我，我都是为了我的儿子。” 我朝她笑了笑，说：“伯母，有你这样的母亲，他真幸福，我嫉妒他。” 之后我头也不回，走出了办公室。 现在已经是初冬的十一月，外边的空气又干又冷。天是阴的，从漆黑的云缝中间或漏出一缕缕不冷不热的阳光。我走在校园整齐宽阔的甬道上。我想给他打电话，告诉他他的妈妈来找过我，可是我又不想扰乱他和他的家庭。以他的脾气，他会和他妈妈吵架，而那只会加剧他父母对我的仇恨。我一直认为他的妈妈是一个极好的女人，她所做的一切都是她的责任，所以无可指责。 我连续三天都没和他见面，只是在每天的电话里简单的聊几句无关痛痒的话题。我一直没有把他妈妈来学校找过我的事情告诉他。我觉得有些事情还是停留在不说的状态比较好。至少这样可以维持我们三个人之间短暂的宁静。 三天后他要到广州出差，在上飞机之前我们吃了一顿午饭。他临走的时候用力抱了抱我的肩膀。他仿佛对未来将要发生的事有预感，因为以往分别的时候他从未抱过我。 他走的第二天，我被系主任叫到了办公室。我隐隐感觉到最麻烦的部分来到了。果然，系里的主要行政领导都在他的办公室里，摆出“三堂会审”的架势。那个女人终于还是把我捅到了组织上，而且是在她的儿子出差的档期内。 事情是顺理成章的：他们对我进行了漫长的说服教育，举出了无数因搞同性恋而走上情杀、自杀的人们的例子，并语重心长的对我说我成绩优秀将来一定大有作为，如果在这类作风问题上栽跟头的话后果不堪设想。最后系主任拉着我的手，不无惋惜的说，系里对我还是信任的，这件事情就不通报批评了，并对我说学校历史上因搞同性恋而被开除的先例也是有的。希望我吸取教训，并只需作内部检查就可以了。 从系主任办公室走出来的时候，我的脑子乱作一团。其实他们的意思很明确：按照惯例我应该被通报批评并被开除，可是他们给我留了一条后路。我并不是不知好歹的人，但是回想起那些人和我谈话时严肃的表情我就觉得很可笑。他们自以为自己什么都懂，其实他们什么都不懂。 晚上我一个人躺在床上发呆的时候，白老师打电话给我，约我到蓝鲸酒吧喝酒，只有我们两个。本来我没有心情，可是转念一想喝酒本就是没有心情的时候应该做的事，于是就答应了。 一见面，他就笑着拍了拍我的脑袋，问：“今天过堂，你还好吧？” 显然他已经知道了系里发生的事情。 我无奈的笑了笑，摇了摇头。要了一瓶科罗娜，闷头喝了起来。 他也要了一瓶，之后坐在我对面，娴熟的点了一根烟。 “你还记得加缪的吗？”他问。 “当然记得。”我连头都没有抬。 “那你一定还记得，那个男主角的母亲去世的时候，他在葬礼上的冷淡表现引发了其它人的不满。别人都指责他是个不肖之子。尽管他自己心里清楚自己和母亲之间的感情究竟是什么样子的，他的母亲也非常清楚，可是依照常人的观点，在母亲的葬礼上哭不出来的人就是不肖之子。这个人想做局外人，却一次又一次被拽入大大小小的纠纷和旋涡。我希望你能明白，在这个世界上没有人是局外人，尽管你认为别人对你们的不理解不能妨碍你们得到快乐，但是你却没有力气阻止和你有关联的人对你的非难。这个世界就是这样。” I didn't speak. 他继续说：“其实我自己心理很清楚，我和她的事情终有一天会暴露，只不过是时间早晚而已。而这件事情暴露的时候，我必然要失去一些对我来说很重要的东西，可能是妻子，可能是她，更可能是我今天的社会地位。但是我在她那里得到了我渴望已久的东西。对于外界发生的一切我无法改变，只能等着该发生的事情发生。孩子，虽然你过早的面对了人间最棘手的问题，但是这也是你的运气，至少在以后没有什么事情能再困扰你了。” 说完，他用自己的酒瓶在我的酒瓶上撞了一下，仰起头一饮而进。 "Thank you." I said. “其实我应该谢谢你。记得上次我们吃饭时的谈话，曾经给了我很大的启发。人分为两种，一种大部分时候比较超脱而偶尔不太超脱的，一种是大部分时候不太超脱而偶尔很超脱的，你属于前者，我属于后者。后者的特点是，平日的生活里开心的时候少不开心的时候多，而他自己似乎也习惯了过不开心的日子。前者的特点是平日里不开心的时候少开心的时候多，但是就是因为他习惯了开心的生活，所以在他不超脱的时候，他会比其它人尤为痛苦，所以这个时候就需要一个我这样不太超脱的人陪他喝喝酒。” “看来我被系里开除的时候还得找你来陪我喝酒。”我苦笑。 “我不会让你被开除的。这点能耐我还有。”他轻蔑的笑了笑，将瓶中的酒一饮而尽。