Chapter 3 Chapter 3 Their Love [Part 1]

It seemed like I didn't realize I might be gay until after I had a chat with that person.It doesn't matter to me.Although I have almost never imagined this kind of problem before.I've always thought that wasting time thinking about my sexuality is like Marguerite's letter to her lover, long and meaningless.So as soon as he proposed to meet, I readily agreed.I always have a hunch that he can provide a perfect answer to my question. In fact, as soon as I started chatting with him that day, I had already planned to meet him in my heart.There is no doubt that he is extremely narcissistic, because he masturbates as the perfect form of sex.I want to meet him mostly out of curiosity, because I heard that narcissistic people are often extraordinary handsome men, and it will be a wonderful feeling to meet their eyes.I think of the beautiful boy in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection in the water.I've always wondered how people who are in love with themselves live.

When I saw that man who was taller than me and had a scary face (for some reason he looked about 5 years older than he actually was, so I prefer to call him a man) walking towards me, I really understood It is unbelievable to hear the truth. It was surprisingly cold late that night.This is always the case in late spring in Beijing. Out of politeness, I smiled at him politely and shook hands with him.He seems to be inexperienced with people.Because when I held his hand, I felt his arms trembling slightly.Or maybe it was because of the colder weather, I don't know. As I expected in advance, after meeting him, he swept away his talkative and active image on the Internet, taciturn and even a little shy.So I had to keep looking for topics to chat with him.They were all boring topics, such as where the land in Beijing is expensive now and the current situation of computer education in China, etc.Who knows what interesting things can be talked about in such a cold day.

Gradually I have no topics to talk about.A long silence began between us. Finally he spoke.He said it was too cold, let's find a warm place to drink a little bar. At that moment, I almost had the urge to hug him. So I took him to an all-night bar nearby. Those who are still in the bar late at night are usually either crazy men and women or prodigal sluts. It seems that there are not many people like us who are only for heating.However, there are still many decent people in this society after all, so there are really not many people in the bar. The bartenders at the bar were too tired to keep their eyes open, but they still had to fight back to serve neurotic people like us.In a dark corner of the bar, a man and a woman were kissing forgetfully, as if they wanted to devour each other.The look of intoxication on their faces is very funny.

I ordered two beers and we sat down somewhere.The pianist has long since disappeared.Only a familiar piano piece was playing from a huge speaker next to the bar.I could tell that it was played by a third-rate pianist.When I was in high school, I once participated in a drama performance at the school art festival.It's "Thunderstorm" by Cao Yu, and I play Zhou Ping.There is a lingering scene in which Zhou Ping and Sifeng talk about love, and this is the background music.I feel very kind when I hear this song on this occasion. http://hi.ba idu .com/yunshenwuji After we sat down, we still didn't say anything, just drank the wine in the cup silently.I feel like he's always thinking about something.The scene is still awkward, but we are no longer shivering with cold.It was a little hot in the bar, and I even felt my palms start to get wet from sweat.

I was the first to break the deadlock. "This place is boring," I said. "Actually, you want to say that I am boring." He smiled slyly. "I'd love to know why someone who's been very talkative for an hour suddenly goes silent." I looked him in the eye. He didn't look at me.Just sipping the wine in the glass.The wine was extremely weak, obviously mixed with a lot of water, not to mention delicious.It's hard for him to sip so deliciously. "You don't have autism, haha~" I tried to joke with him. But he didn't smile at all. "You're right." He nodded, "I've always had a feeling that you are me, that I've been talking to myself, drinking with myself. You know, a person can't communicate with himself or anything .”

"But you will," I interrupted. "You're coming out to meet me precisely because you think I'm like you." "Do you think I look like you?" he asked me back. "It's not like at all, there is no similarity at all. Not only me, there is nothing in this world that is similar to yourself. The reason why you think I am like you is just your fantasy of another world." I say. "I have been thinking about the same question, that is, should I look for another self. In fact, I am very satisfied with my current situation, but I feel that another self is always using a mysterious power in another world. Calling me." He continued to sip from his glass.There isn't much left.

It was only then that I noticed that he seemed drunk, as his head started shaking aimlessly.I should have thought he was a man who couldn't drink at all.Drinking is a group activity of more than two people. He has always been alone, so naturally he has no habit of drinking. "Wine is really a good thing. This is the first time I drink alcohol in this life. It turns out that this is how I feel after drinking alcohol. It feels like everyone in this world is themselves." What he said was like a Mayan mantra , made me a little creepy. I decided to take him to my place before he got drunk.After all, I was the one who brought him where he could get drunk.Even though we met online an hour ago and met on the street 20 minutes ago.Even if I leave him here, there is nothing wrong with it.But I still can't bear to do that.At this point I must admit that I am a very kind person.

My residence is not far from here.I paid the bill quickly and escorted him out of the bar.Before I left, I glanced into the corner, and the couple had already started touching each other.The man put his hands into the woman's clothes, and the woman put her arms around the man's neck. I spat on the ground.Fuck it, this pair of cheating dogs and men. It was with some difficulty that I helped him to my lodgings. Because I hated the noise and inconvenience of the school dormitory, I rented a small room near the school.The room is small and full of my own stuff.I feel like this is my own space.

Just walk into the room and close the door.He hugged me violently and pushed me down on the bed.I could feel the strong smell of alcohol in his mouth. He started kissing my forehead, kissing my cheeks, kissing my neck.This is indeed beyond my expectation.I tried to push him away, but in vain because of his weight.I can almost feel him searching for my lips. Finally he found my lips and we started kissing.I was a little put off at first because no man had ever kissed me before.But soon I gave up the futility of breaking free.I don't know why, I just think it's normal.There is no rule that kissing cannot happen between two men.What's more, during the whole process, I didn't think there was anything disgusting about kissing a man.

He can't kiss at all because his tongue moves clumsily.But we kissed deeply and for a long time.I have kissed women, but I did not consciously lead him.Because since things like this are bound to happen, they should just go with the flow. He started to undress me. I started to undress him. We stroke and kiss each other's bodies. Like all normal lovemaking in this world.Everything is so smooth, without any procrastination and dissonance. He fell asleep soon after it was over, and slept deeply. I was half lying on the pillow, looking at the stars in the sky outside the window. The world is so unpredictable.I had sex for the first time in my life, just now, with a man I had just met, not even known at all.What's even more unimaginable to me is that I actually feel that all this is so natural, even wonderful.Thinking of this makes me feel ridiculous.I thought I knew myself well, but I couldn't predict that today I would have sex with a man who is tall and rough.I can never predict what other things I cannot understand will happen to me.

So I think I have to face the fact that I'm a total gay, casual or whatever.Because even when I was in love with Xiaohua, I never thought about having sex with her.I felt awkward even touching her tits. But today I have a desire for a man.I'm an honest man, although I can blame everything on his drunkenness or gender inversion and other unknowable factors, but I have to admit that I did have desire for him when he kissed me .I have never had this desire, and I know it is a desire for sex.It doesn't feel bad.Or maybe I was born gay. He has been sleeping next to me, and his sleeping expression is very funny, like he can't laugh or cry.Sometimes my mouth is still vaguely muttering some dream talk that I don't know what the content is.I'm already thinking about what to say to him when he wakes up tomorrow.Suddenly it occurred to me that the next day was the weekend, and I didn't have to go to class. I felt very refreshed, and I fell asleep groggyly after a while. It was already afternoon when I woke up the next day.As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw him sitting on the edge of the bed in a daze.I figured he must have remembered the night before because the room smelled faintly of semen and we were both naked. I felt a little embarrassed, so I just lay there and didn't say anything. He realized that I was awake, and turned to look at me with complicated eyes, and I didn't know how to describe it.I was too lazy to speak, and I really didn't know what to say, so I kept waiting for him to speak. After a long time, he finally said, "Are you hungry?" I had already guessed that he would say such an innocuous remark.So I didn't laugh either.Just nodded to him and said, "Let's go get something to eat." He began to dress in silence.I also stand on the bed and wear my own clothes.I deliberately exaggerated my movements, as if to draw his attention to my nakedness.Sure enough, as I expected, he was embarrassed and kept his head down.I find it very interesting.I've always enjoyed embarrassing the people around me. After getting dressed, we went out and walked to the street. Beijing’s weekend afternoons are always like this. People are everywhere on the road, and the asphalt road reflects the bright sun like a mirror.I hate the environment of people coming and going. I don’t know if those people on the street are aware of it. From a higher place, they look like a bunch of reptiles, which is disgusting. We walked into a relatively clean small restaurant nearby, and I ordered a lot of dishes at random.I am indeed hungry.He seemed hungry too, so we kept eating and not talking much. After dinner, we walked out of the restaurant, and there was another embarrassment between us.Because I don't know whether to say goodbye to him or say goodbye to him. So I decided to ask something else casually: "Where do we go next?" "I have to go home because my relatives are here today," he said. I am somewhat disappointed.I don't know if this is an excuse for his eagerness to escape this embarrassment.He assumed I was gay, so he probably mistook me for seducing him while he was drunk the night before.Obviously I can't speculate on his current thoughts, so fleeing the scene is undoubtedly a good choice. I nodded and said goodbye. But he took out a piece of paper and a pen from his pocket, and wrote down a long string of numbers for me. "This is my cell phone number. Call me when you are free." When he said this, his face was expressionless.But I could hear his voice trembling slightly. I took the note, smiled at him, and said goodbye. He said goodbye too, then turned and left.I know this "goodbye" is different from the "goodbye" just now. I thought to myself, maybe all narcissistic people have this kind of virtue. [Part 2] Cousin is actually a very nice person, except for his cute head and cold expression, he basically has no intolerable shortcomings.You must know that most of these high-ranking officials' children are hypocritical and even a little willful, and my cousin is an absolute exception.So in this family I prefer to talk to him. Uncle has always been serious and unsmiling. I know that this kind of man with an abnormal mentality needs to raise his face to maintain his dignity in this family.But my aunt is too enthusiastic, and talking to her always feels like being interrogated.The scary thing is they all love talking to me.Because the three members of this family rarely communicate with each other.The arrival of an outsider can relieve the awkward atmosphere. Soon the foreign language school I attended started.I almost walked into that school with a kind of hatred.Because since I was a child, I have always longed for myself to live in a world without schools.But going to school was the only way I could escape my mother's control, so I had to.Because my mother was scarier than school. The learning task is much easier than middle school, which I have been thankful for.There is only half a day of class every day, and there is a holiday in the afternoon.There are two days of reading, two days of listening, and one day of speaking. There are three teachers who teach separately.I spend most of my time listening to music and writing letters to my friends.In addition to reading classes two days a week. The teacher who teaches reading is a middle-aged man in his 40s.The moment he walked into the teacher, I felt like I was almost suffocating, and I almost cried out.That was a man who was so much like my dad.Whether it's eyebrows, figure or voice.His voice is thick, lacking in penetration, but kind.Immediately I felt like my tears were about to flow down.In the past few months in Beijing, the image of my father has almost been forgotten by me, but at this moment that familiar figure once again occupied my entire sight. It turns out that it is so difficult to forget an image you are nostalgic for. Soon I found myself becoming attached to the figure.Whenever he appeared on the podium in the classroom, I couldn't restrain myself from looking at him.Although I don't know much about this person.He may be a decent man, or he may be a veteran of the party.He could be rich, or he could be poor.None of this matters to me.I just wish this person would hold me and caress my head and make me act like a baby. Finally one day, I found a chance to approach him.I could feel his embarrassment and anxiety, and even his impulsiveness.I don't know if this is what I need.I just know that by this point I can't shake it off. So I seduced him.In fact, I don't know how to seduce a man at all, I just try my best to imitate the behavior of those women who seduce men in TV dramas, and make all kinds of gestures that make me feel very ridiculous. I felt so stupid, but finally he took me to a hotel and made love to me.It was my first time and it hurt and bled a lot.But it felt good to be held by him.I seem to have returned to my childhood, and I can often sleep in my father's arms, even if I drool on my pajamas, I won't be blamed. I don't like sex, especially with a guy who calls out other women's names when he orgasms, but I do have a crush on his image.His face and figure are a symbol in my heart.Although the connotation is different from the real symbol, it is also inviolable and defamable. It's been a chaotic day indeed.First I slept with a man 20 years older than me, and then I discovered my cousin's secret.Only then did I realize that I am not the only abnormal person in this world.In fact, everyone may be abnormal, but most people can hide their ulterior desires and bring them into the coffin in exchange for a good reputation.Others indulge themselves to the fullest, making their lives a little happier.Both types of people are correct, because each has its own principles of survival.It's a pity that people in these two camps are always pointing fingers at each other. I found my cousin making love to another boy in our room one gloomy afternoon.Although I was very surprised, although I always thought that no matter what strange things happened to my cousin, it was not surprising, but I did not expect that the unexpected and strange things finally happened.Uncle and aunt were not at home that afternoon.Because of the bad weather, I canceled my travel plans and decided to stay in the room and listen to music.Cousin's door has been closed. What rang in the earphones was Qi Yu's cover of "Vincent", an ancient melody that made people drowsy. When I was almost falling asleep, I heard a strange sound coming from my cousin's room.Like a moan of pain, but also like a sigh of joy.I was startled—the voice came from another person.I realized there was another person in my cousin's room. I can't restrain my curiosity.So he tiptoed to the door of his cousin's room.The voice was clearer, it was a strange boy.Although I can't see them, I know it's only during sex.At that time my whole mind was absorbed by this strange and interesting thing. I didn't dare to stay longer, and quickly slipped back to my room.It is undoubtedly very embarrassing to be found out at this time.Although my cousin is usually friendly to me, after all, no one will forgive someone who deliberately peeps into his secret. Cousin has a boy lover. It dawned on me what an amazing family I was boarding with.At that time, my strongest wish was to see this strange boy with my own eyes.This may also be part of my total voyeurism. Since then, every time I see my cousin, I feel my cheeks burn.He probably didn't realize that I already knew his secret.So he has always been a defiant look.I find it funny every time I see him like this.I can't imagine his reaction if I told him what I discovered that afternoon.Must be very interesting. It didn't take long for me to meet the mysterious boy.One day my cousin came back from outside during dinner.Standing behind him was a young man with a thin figure and a handsome face.The cousin said to his uncle and aunt expressionlessly that this is his friend.The boy greeted his uncle and aunt very politely.I felt a sudden sense of surprise, because I could tell from his voice that he was the boy from that afternoon.So I took a closer look at it.He must be younger than his cousin, because his face is still a little childish, I even suspect that he is younger than me.But unlike his cousin, he was always smiling, and his smiling, childish and handsome face looked very cute.So I quickly decided that this guy was a good one.At least not very annoying. The cousin then pointed to me and told the boy that I was his cousin.I nodded to him very ladylike. Aunt and uncle could be seen to be very happy, because my cousin never had many friends—he seemed to prefer to do all his life and entertainment by himself.The enthusiastic aunt quickly added a pair of bowls and chopsticks for him, served him food and vegetables, and kept asking him about the situation at home. The boy has been answering my aunt's boring questions with a lazy smile.It's an adult's way of showing concern, and while it's boring, it's not malicious. "Look at how beautiful this child is!" When my aunt sighed like this, I almost spit out the food in my mouth. I was wondering how my aunt would feel if she knew about the relationship between my cousin and this "beautiful boy".Maybe "My God!" The boy had dinner at home, lingered in his cousin's room for a while, and then went back.His aunt was very enthusiastic and asked him to "come and play often".From the beginning to the end, my cousin's expression was very ambiguous, half a smile but not a smile.I think he found this scene as amusing as I did. That boy really comes to play a lot.It was often in the afternoon that he came back with his cousin, and the two of them stayed in the room all the time.Maybe it's watching a movie, and I can often hear their arguments, sometimes it's almost like a quarrel.But when it was time for dinner in the evening, the two of them were talking and laughing again. My cousin is much more lively.My aunt was very happy about it.So he also likes that boy very much.Every time he comes, my aunt always cooks a few dishes carefully.The boy never stayed overnight at home.Sometimes my cousin doesn't live at home, and I later learned that the boy has a place of his own. Gradually, I also became familiar with that boy.My cousin didn't seem to mind that.My cousin always called him "Binbin", and I thought maybe it was his name, so I called him "Binbin" along with him.He said it didn't matter. Binbin knows many things.He can actually recite whole paragraphs of Baudelaire's poems and Zweig's prose.But unlike all the other literary fools, he was a man of spirit.To a certain extent, the change of my cousin's personality seems to have been influenced by him a lot.So the three of us often chatted all over the world together.Sometimes we go to the midnight movie together, and after the movie, we find an emotional coffee house to listen to music.I actually started to find life in Beijing more and more interesting. Even so, there is still a knot in my heart that cannot be untied, and that is the relationship between my cousin and Binbin.Although I can be sure that my cousin and Binbin had sex in the room that afternoon, there was absolutely no sign of any ambiguity between the three of us when we were together.Sometimes I really feel that curiosity is a terrible thing.Although it can bring me a lot of fun, it also adds a lot of trouble.And with my character, I will not give up my attention to the unknown.I am really worried that one day I will accidentally speak out my doubts.If they already knew that I knew their secrets, maybe I would lose a lot of fun in life.And a life without fun is something I cannot tolerate anyway. Sometimes I think that maybe the reason why the three of us can reach a certain tacit understanding emotionally without interfering with each other's lives is because all three of us are abnormal to a certain extent, no matter what point.Because I'll notice that we have almost no resemblance - not even between Cousin and Bin Bin.Maybe we all like to be lonely by nature, and those who like to be lonely can only become companions with other people who like to be lonely.Once we no longer have any connection in time or space, we will still return to our previous loneliness and continue to enjoy life without companions. This idea is very interesting. [Part 4] Having sex with that girl has almost become the only pleasure in my life.I always go back and forth between the foreign language school and the university where I work happily.Every time I see that cute immature face, I will be inexplicably excited. And so it has been for a long time.Classes first, and after class I took her out for something to eat, and then we found a place to have sex.At the beginning, they opened rooms in hotels, but later the places where they had sex continued to be refurbished. Bathrooms, private rooms in movie theaters, and even off-the-beaten-path alleys can all become places for romantic affairs.In front of her, I completely indulged the sexual desire that I had suppressed for twenty years. She is indeed a crazy girl.Although she was very quiet when I first met her.So the first impression is often wrong.Luckily I'm old enough to figure this out.Fortunately, I was not disappointed by the revealing of her nature, but excited like a lion at a mysterious and vast tropical scrub jungle. By chance, she told me that she was boarding with a relative in Beijing, away from her parents, and I seemed to understand why she was getting more and more crazy.When parents are not around, girls often learn to be bad.When I said that to her, she tended to look dismissive, as if I had the dumbest opinion in the world.Then she would subtly change the subject.We are often happy together, because I find it easier to communicate with a girl who is 20 years apart than with a wife who is about my age.Even so, there are two topics that we absolutely avoid, and that is our family.In fact, this is fine, explaining married life to a girl who has just turned 20 is indeed a very boring thing.Although we were careful to guard our sexual relationship, too many times I felt the same way as Li's stepfather - affectionate rather than impulsive. The world is too small. One evening, I took my wife and son to the movies—a long-standing habit.As much as I'm terribly tired of it, this family needs to hold together. I remember it was a Hollywood sci-fi movie that day, and it was so colorful that it made the whole movie look like a bad cartoon.My son sat between me and my wife, engrossed in the screen, while his parents dozed off bored.The theater was pretty empty.People are getting smarter and not willing to spend money on all the crappy Hollywood movies. Suddenly some people in the row in front of me burst into loud laughter.There was a voice I knew very well.I was shocked.In order to confirm my idea, I ran out on the excuse of going to the toilet.When I came back, I looked carefully towards the front row. Everything was unexpected and reasonable: it was indeed her.She didn't come alone, because there were two boys sitting beside her, who might be her friends.I can't see their faces clearly, but I can clearly see what they are chatting with great interest.When we talked about something interesting, laughter broke out naturally.There was a large bucket of popcorn on her lap, and the two boys ate and laughed. My first feeling was that I wanted to run away.Because once she recognizes me at the end of the show, the scene will be very embarrassing.She will have to see my wife and son, which is certainly not a situation anyone likes.But I really can't find any excuse.My phone didn't ring all the time, and of course I couldn't find any excuse.So I just continued to sit there. The movie ends quickly.The theater lights came back on.I stood up uncomfortably.So in the flashing light, she saw me. I noticed a very dramatic change in her expression within a few seconds.First she looked at me in surprise, then at my wife in doubt, then her eyes fell on my son's face, and finally she returned to smiling. I nodded at her hesitantly.She smiled even wider. My wife looked at me suspiciously. I told my wife it was one of my students. She said hello to his wife warmly.Then he turned around and said to me, teacher, your wife is so beautiful. Then she touched her son's head and said, teacher, your son is so cute. After that he took the two boys away talking and laughing.I stood there dumbfounded. What a polite kid.my wife said to me. yes.I nod. When I saw the girl again, of course, it was in the classroom a few days later.She still looked at me with my familiar eyes.After class we had sex as before.She's still crazy, and she's grabbing my shoulder with her fingernails.We never talked about that night. After finishing the work, she didn't lie in my arms like before, but leaned against the head of the bed, thinking about something very seriously. "What are you thinking?" I asked him. She smiled lightly.Ignore me. long silence She sat up suddenly, grabbed my shoulders, looked into my eyes, and said to me word by word: "I want you to take responsibility for me." She holds me accountable to her. I looked at her suspiciously.I still clearly remember that not long ago, she flatly rejected my request to be responsible to her.Her sudden transformation caught me off guard. She seemed to see something in my eyes, so she smiled disdainfully: "Don't worry. I don't want you to divorce." "Then what do you want?" I breathed a sigh of relief and asked her. "I want you to give me a home." Her tone became indifferent. I am more puzzled. "Get a house, we live together." After saying this, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, and then began to dress.gone. I found that I couldn't read a girl 20 years younger than me.I think maybe the meeting with my wife stimulated her.She's a normal woman after all, demanding from the men she sleeps with.I lay there thinking for a long time by myself, and finally decided she was right.I shouldn't just have her body like this.Although I always thought that giving her some material gifts would make my conscience feel better to some extent.But she never accepts my presents, whether it's clothes or anything else. "You have bad taste. These things are ugly," she often said. So I never dared to buy her anything again.I don't know if my taste is really a problem, but one thing I do know is that she doesn't like me buying her presents. Soon I rented a house near the school.The area is small, but the household appliances are complete and the decoration is good.The price is a bit high, but not a problem for me.I don't want her to judge my taste with disdain again.After all, I am 40 years old, and I am not used to being accused by 20-year-olds after all. After bringing her into the room, she just casually looked at it as a whole, then nodded and said, "Not bad." I was very happy to hear that.This shows that at least I'm doing one thing right. After that we started having sex.This time is different.She kept silent all the time, and she didn't take the initiative in the past, but just cooperated with me silently.So I felt very awkward from the beginning to the end. Maybe the environment is too unfamiliar.Just be familiar with it.I say this to myself. She moved in quickly with her own luggage.I noticed that she had very few daily necessities, but she had hundreds of CDs and a very high-end MD player.It was only then that I realized that I knew next to nothing about her. From that day on, my cohabitation life outside of marriage officially began.I started to stay out at night with various excuses.The reasons for business trips such as going out to give lectures and meetings are frequently used by me.Fortunately, I used to travel a lot on business trips, so my wife didn't get suspicious.In fact, I turned down almost all my errands for lectures and meetings just to be with her.Constantly going back and forth between the two homes was exhausting, and lying next to either woman made me feel guilty for the other.Nevertheless, I understand that there is no way out for me.A wife's family can give me a sense of peace and comfort, while a lover's family can allow me to regain the youth that has been lost for many years. I finally understand what extra responsibilities mean to a man.Although my relationship with the girl started when I was barely aware of it, and objectively speaking, the initial responsibility was not on me.But I have never been able to have a clear conscience.Things that violate the code of ethics have always been my forbidden area, but in this matter, I seem to be addicted to opium, and I can't stop.I also finally understood why so many men all over the world are obsessed with having two families at the same time. It is such an exciting experience, especially for men whose wives are frigid. These people were once hated and despised by me, but today I have become one of them.It took me a long time to finally convince myself that maybe this wasn't a moral issue.Because many things will have a disgusting side once they rise to the ethical point of view.It may be immoral for me to have sex with a girl, but we were attracted to each other before that and thought we had the right to do as we wanted.In other words, it’s human nature to have romance and sex, and we can’t be blamed for enjoying the wonderful process.And the result of all this - extramarital affairs are immoral.However, I can't predict these, and naturally I can't make mistakes. I spent days full of excitement and anxiety in such repeated self-comfort. [Part 3] My cousin's disposition changed a lot after watching that movie.Apparently the sudden appearance of the "teacher" was the reason for the change in the cousin's temperament.I also deliberately looked at the man: middle-aged, elegant, well-dressed.I couldn't see who he was or what he was doing, which suggested he wasn't special, just one of many. After the show ended that day, my cousin didn't want to go home.In fact, neither Binbin nor I want to go back.So the three of us came to the "Blue Whale Bar" near our home. 那间酒吧的灯光很暗，而且音乐也不吵。最棒的是那里有一架老式的放映机，经常会放一些很老的片子。于是我们便经常泡在那里，聊点大家都感兴趣的话题。 那天晚上表妹一直很沉默。尽管她的脸上的表情和以往没有什么不同，可是她一贯是我们中最多话的。 She drank a lot.彬彬一直盯着放映机的屏幕——那上面一直在放映《卡萨布兰卡》，一部又老又烂的片子，除了英格丽褒曼的高耸的白色的颧骨，我什么图像都看不清楚。我无事可做，便看着表妹喝酒。我们谁都没有说话，一直呆到酒吧打烊。 没多久，表妹就搬出了我的家，说是要住到学校的宿舍里。那个学校是有宿舍的，这我知道，不过我心里清楚得很，她绝对不会住到宿舍里去。对于这样一个思维诡异又有些神经质的女孩子，集体宿舍绝对不是她离开家庭的理由。我猜想她离开是因为她的生活中出现了一个人。表妹已经二十岁了，二十岁的女孩子不谈恋爱是不正常的。虽然我一直认为她有些不正常，但是听说那多半是她口中那个“变态”的妈妈造成的。我想家长因素绝不至于让她厌恶恋爱。她不告诉我们她住到哪里去，我们也懒得问。彼此不打听对方的事情是我们一直以来的习惯。尽管一直以来，我都很想把我和彬彬的关系告诉她。但是我自己都不清楚我和彬彬是什么关系。总不能对她说：我们一直保持着稳定的性关系吧？况且我没有和别人讲心事的习惯，但是如果这个世界上有一个人有资格知道我们的事情，我想就是表妹。 彬彬是一个非常率性的人，这也许是一切中文系男生的共同特点。每一次和他做爱以后，我都喜欢静静的看着他靠在我肩膀上熟睡的样子。他的睫毛很长，有的时候会流口水，非常可爱。他的睡相能给我静谧的感觉。 我可以感觉得到，他是个彻头彻尾的同性恋者；我也感觉得到，我不是。我不是同性恋，也不是异性恋，我是一个只爱自己的人。但是我喜欢和彬彬在一起。或许因为这是从小到大我唯一投入了热情的一段关系。在他出现以前，我几乎以为我不会和任何人来往，但是他改变了一切。他的存在证明即使是像我这样喜欢孤独的人，也可以在这个城市里找到朋友。 表妹搬走一个月后，我工作了，在一家IT企业做技术人员。尽管工资很高，但我不喜欢工作，因为公司里人多是非多。但某个地方有三个以上的人扎堆，就一定没有好事。但我必须工作，因为我不想一辈子花父母的钱。他们的钱和他们的人一样让我畏惧和惴惴不安。我担心如果一直花他们的钱，会让我终有一天重新回到他们的控制之下。 我工作的公司很有名气，工作却很简单，所做的一切无非就是维护维护系统，使那些上网的人不至于拍着桌子骂娘。无事可做的时候，我就趴在桌子上胡思乱想。我总是有很多可以想的事情，即使有时我也不知道自己究竟在想什么。 一天中午，阳光明媚，整个人都懒洋洋的。我正打算去吃工作餐，我的电话响了。是表妹。自从她搬出去以后，我们很少联系。她似乎一直在忙一些什么。她在电话里说她有一些事情想对我和彬彬讲，约我们晚上八点到“蓝鲸”见面。表妹的语气非常严肃，我隐隐感觉她要对我们说的事情非同寻常。 下班后我到彬彬的学校接他，之后我们一起如约到了蓝鲸酒吧。时间还早得很，所以我们随便点了点东西吃。他要了一大筐爆米花，我要了一扎啤酒。我不喜欢一下班就吃东西，因为我需要时间清除仍停留在我头脑中的我的那些乏味的工作内容。 八点未到，表妹来了。她穿着十分素雅的连衣裙，我注意到她化妆了，因为注视她的嘴唇的时候，我有一定程度的眩晕。 “我正在和一个比我大二十岁的男人同居。”她对我们说，几乎没有任何表情。之后她抢过彬彬手中的爆米花筐，津津有味的吃了起来。 我和彬彬都十分惊讶。尽管她和一个男人住在一起在我们的意料之中，但是我们猜测和她同居的可能是班上的一个相貌英俊的纨绔子弟，或某个尚未结婚的纯情上班族。我没有说话，只是点了点头，呷了口啤酒。自从和彬彬认识之后我特别喜欢喝酒。不光是因为第一次喝酒使我拥有了生平第一次成功的两个人的性爱，而是因为在很多不适宜多说话的场合呷一口啤酒会让场面不是那么尴尬。 “他是谁？你们是怎么认识的？”彬彬饶有兴致的问。 “就是上次在电影院遇到的那个男的，他是我的老师。”表妹拿过我的杯子，喝了一大口，“今天的爆米花怎么弄得这么硬。” 我已隐隐猜到就是那个人。但我没有说话。 “他对你好吗？”彬彬对表妹的回答并不满意。 “还成。”表妹说，“如果可以的话，我想让你们和他见见。他不错，挺有钱。和他吃饭什么的不用自己买单。” 我和彬彬都没有说话。 “这里的空气真是闷，我们出去走走吧。”表妹打破寂静。 彬彬表示赞同，于是我们结帐，离开了。 夜晚的北京是非常迷人的。那些白天里一本正经道貌岸然的建筑在夜幕里都显得委琐和灰暗，而若干酒吧和KTY的霓虹灯则显得格外耀眼。坦胸露背的红男绿女在夜色中肆无忌惮的干着见不得人的勾当，那场景有一种妙不可言的诡异之美。 我们三个一直走到一座过街天桥上，停了下来。我认得这就是我和彬彬第一次见面的那个天桥。我看了彬彬一眼，发现他也在看我。 表妹靠在栏杆上，努力往远处看着什么。 “知道我为什么要把我的事情告诉你们吗？”表妹突然转过头来问我们。 我和彬彬都没有说话。 “因为在这个城市里我只有你们。我一直以为没有你们我也会生活得很好，尤其是当我和一个我喜欢的男人在一起的时候，但事实不是如此。” “事实是什么？”我问。 “事实是在这个世界上，只有我们三个是一样的人。你是我的表哥，在我告诉你我和一个大我二十的男人同居并且他有老婆的时候，我甚至希望你狠狠的打我一巴掌，但我知道你不会那样做。这就是我告诉你的原因。我不希望你们分享我的快乐，也不需要你们分担我的痛苦，但是我要让你们知道我在做什么。在我没有告诉你们一切的时候，我们便不能在一起，因为我不希望我们彼此隐瞒。”表妹没有表情，“现在我已经告诉了你们了，所以我没有歉疚。我希望你们能够接受他，如果不能的话，我会退出我们三个人的世界。” “如果你想离开我们，尽可以永远不告诉我们。”彬彬说。 “但是我不能离开你们。我说过，这个城市里我只有你们——你，和表哥。”表妹对彬彬说。 “既然如此，或许我也应该告诉你一件你不知道的事。”我对表妹说。 “是你和彬彬的事吗？”表妹问。 “你怎么知道？”这回我是真的惊讶了。 表妹看着我的眼睛，淡淡的笑了笑，说：“你以为你们做得很聪明吗？我早就看出来了。” “你不觉得厌恶，或者恶心吗？”我问。 表妹不屑的摇了摇头，说：“这个问题实在不符合你的风格。你现在回答我一个问题：你爱他吗？” 我看了看彬彬，发现他也一直在看着我。我不知道该如何回答，但却不由自主的点了点头。说：“爱，我爱他。” 表妹坏坏的笑了笑：“这就足够了。其它的问题没有必要思考。” 那一刹那我对面前这个20岁的女孩肃然起敬。我甚至伸出手臂，用力的抱了抱她。 表妹笑着用力推开了我，说：“别这么肉麻。明天晚上我们一起吃饭。明天给你们打电话。”之后她蹦蹦跳跳的走了，天桥上只剩下我和彬彬。 我转过身看彬彬，他望着天桥下的川流不息的车辆行人，沉默不语。 我慢慢的走了过去，抱住他。我感觉到他的肩膀在微微的颤抖。起风了，天桥上非常冷，于是我抱得又紧了一些。我可以嗅到他头发上柠檬洗发水的香气。 他猛的抬起头，抱着我的头，开始专注的吻我。他的嘴唇温柔却有力。 “我也爱你。”他对我说。 我心里有一阵隐隐的抽搐，但没有说话。我抬起头，看见远处天空中有一只黑色的鸟，努力的扇动着翅膀，向着耀眼的月亮没死没活的飞去。