Chapter 2 Chapter 2 Satan's Encounter [Part 1]

College life seems to make me happier because I can't see those people who hate me here. The stepmother would often call to inquire about the health and well-being.Although annoying, but every time I am very polite.Because after leaving home, I kind of reflected on my past behavior: Although I hated her, she didn't actually do anything to hurt me.So it was a little too much for me to be so mean to her. It is undeniable that half of the reason I ran out to go to college was to avoid her, but in the days after I ran out, the degree of my hatred for her has actually weakened to a considerable extent.Of course not for the care and greetings she gave me, both real and illusory.

In fact, for something that has been lost, whether you like it or not, you will miss it after you lose it.Although I don't like this kind of mother and this kind of family, when I really live alone, I always miss the days when someone cooks for you and runs around for you.People are really cheap things. Fortunately, living alone has always been the way of life I yearn for.Although a bit tiring, I soon got used to and fell in love with this way of life.After living alone, I am also more tolerant than before.I can also understand some things.I feel a little more mature. The courses of the Chinese Department were originally a bit boring.The faces of those "famous teachers" whom I have admired for a long time are lacklustre, and their teaching level does not seem to be as good as the rumors say.This is true of many things, which look much more beautiful from a distance than from a close observation.It seems that people are often more willing to believe unfounded rumors and form a preconception in their heads before they really see the facts.I'm not immune either.So I had to find fun outside of the course.

The campus is very beautiful.If you don't look at those strange buildings called teaching buildings, I would rather think that this is a national forest park.The school spends a lot of money on campus construction, so that the campus is too beautiful.There are not many university campuses like this in Beijing. Most universities and colleges are located in crowded and noisy urban areas, so men and women on those campuses are more likely to lose their nature in the traffic. There is a very famous river in the middle of the campus. I can’t remember the name of the river, but the students around me call it the River of Love.The reason for such a romantic name for a line that is neither wide nor long is not hard to guess.Every day from dusk to late at night, the chairs and big rocks by the river are always full of couples talking about love.The river water is still clear under the moonlight, and the white floating objects on the river are often covered by the night.Looking at the river at this time is really a bit romantic.

A senior fellow from the previous year even told me a very interesting story.It is about a couple who fell into the river while making love by the river. The man could swim, but the woman drowned.Later, I heard the man said that he was kicked from behind violently.The kicker has not been found so far.It's not known if he was trying to play a prank or if someone in the couple had offended him.I analyzed that the murderer might be an admirer of someone in the couple, and kicking someone into the water was purely out of jealousy.So this originally romantic river has some erotic and mysterious colors, and it has become a totem worshiped by lovers who pursue novelty.

In short, the river has a special status in the school. At night, I often sit and read alone by this river, because I find that only this river can make me calm down a little in the huge campus.What's more, anyone has the desire to be curious and peep about the things between men and women.I am no exception.It is also a fun thing to read and listen to music in the sound of men and women touching and kissing each other every day. Apart from this river, the Internet is the one that brings me the greatest pleasure. The Internet is not a good thing. To be honest, I have never been eager to find happiness from the Internet.Since I was a child, I have never believed in any real people around me, let alone those IDs made up of weird numbers and characters in this extremely "post-modern" way of communication.

But there is no doubt that the Internet is the most suitable activity place for people like me.It's because here you don't have to trust anyone, but you can know anything you want to know.I have always been looking forward to having such a living space.The Internet satisfies me to a certain extent, because the Internet can give me an almost absolute freedom.There is the freedom to love and be loved, to vent and bear, to be free, to be dazed and active, to be insulted and to be insulted.No matter what, no one will interfere. Like everyone else, I started my online life by chatting.The first chat was with a guy named "Son of Satan" in an off the beaten track chat room.I wanted to call myself "Satan", but I suddenly felt that the name "Satan" was a bit too old, so I artificially younger myself.I still remember the content of the chat.Occasionally think of it and find it funny.

Sun God: hello Me: Hello ^-^ (Because this is the first chat, so I am very enthusiastic) Sun God: How old are you? Me: I'm 19 years old, how about you? Sun God: Where are you from?are you at work? Me: #### You haven't answered me yet! Sun God: Are you male or female? Me: Of course it's a man Sun God: Really? Me: it's true Sun God: I bet you are a woman. I:……… Sun God: Miss, why don't you speak? Me: I'm really a man. Sun God: You are a woman Me: I'm a man Sun God: Are you really a man? Me: I am indeed a man! ! Sun God: Then you fucking didn't say it earlier, causing me to talk nonsense for so long! !

I:………… So my first chat ended in the account-checking-like cross-examination and shameless cursing.The Internet is full of such nonsense.Like this chat room. Of course, I later learned from other netizens that most of the people who chat in this chat room are girls, and many of them like to use boy names.So that buddy insisted that I was a woman, which is also forgivable.But it makes me very uncomfortable.I hate women, so if someone sees me as a woman, it's almost the biggest insult to me. So I simply gave up chatting.Originally, I didn't like to communicate with people, let alone cats and dogs that I had never met.People are just a bunch of symbolic symbols on the Internet, and their function is to make this network appear a little lively, not to upset other people on the Internet-at least I think so.

Most of the time I spend online is just wandering around.Occasionally, I will write something on some frequent BBS.I absolutely don't go to portal websites, because those websites are as arrogant and slow as rich and deep houses.I like personal sites made by freelance netizens.These small but decidedly fresh microsites are some of the brightest things on the web. On a certain day in a certain year and a certain month, I accidentally broke into a website called "Satan City".This is a personal site related to movies.In fact, I don't have much preference for movies, but because literature is often too closely related to movies, I have to pay a little attention to the things in movies.Not to mention it's so similar to my name. The "son of Satan" should naturally live in the "city of Satan".

The color tone of the site is mainly black.It can be seen that the webmaster's inner world is incomplete. The title page of the website reads these lines: "People, life, are inherently lonely and helpless. Therefore, they need to communicate with others in order to understand each other. However, is mutual understanding really possible? No, impossible, fatalistic impossibility, an effort to seek understanding It is futile. Then, why bother to work hard? Why can’t we change our attitude—since it’s useless to try to understand, then stop working hard, and you can live a pretty good life like this! In other words, instead of reluctantly passing through the To eliminate loneliness and resolve helplessness by interacting with people, it is better to go back and play with loneliness and helplessness.”

I recognized it as a passage from Haruki Murakami.When I read Haruki Murakami, I was basically seduced by this passage.But seeing it on an unfamiliar website today, I felt even more "wandering" like Zhang Ailing said. I don't like this feeling because it seems to expose my heart to everyone.But my intuition still made me press the "ENTER" sign that looked like the gate of hell. What I like the most on the website is a big poster of "Fallen Angels".The "angels" in the movie showed me something with their own unique postures. Liming with his gothic smile, Michelle Reis with her legs wrapped in fishnet pantyhose, Takeshi Kaneshiro's melancholy eyes, Caini Yang's vicious lips, and Karen Mok's wanton eyebrows.These demonic and evil people are called "angels", who else can be called "Satan"? The background music is Guan Shuyi's "Forget him, it's like forgetting everything...". At that moment, I actually felt like crying. Over the years, I have become accustomed to covering my heart with expressions in any situation. The word "cry" does not exist in my dictionary.I heard from my dad that I stopped crying at all before I could walk.But today, a messy website actually made me want to cry. So I naturally recorded the QQ number of the owner of this personal website.Although I've never been interested in chatting, I still had the urge to chat with this stranger.Because I found something in his words and pictures that was very similar to or exactly the same as some feelings in my bones.Growing up, I hardly ever had any friends.I think maybe from today onwards, there will be some changes. When I added him as a friend, he happened to be online at the time.His name is very simple, it is an English word "ALONE". People say that fate on the Internet mostly starts with being amazed by each other's name.I have to admit, his name attracted me.I have a natural affinity for this word that represents state rather than mood. So I typed a "Hello" very casually. "Are you really the son of Satan?" "Yes." I said "Then let's talk," he said [Part 3] The day that boy broke into my Satanic city happened to be my 22nd birthday. A lot of people came to the house that day, some of whom I couldn't even name.Since it was my first birthday after graduating from university, many relatives and friends were invited to my home.In fact, every year on my birthday, the house is full of excitement, because my mother never gave up trying to make me fit in with the crowd.Although I always disdain it. Everyone has their own preferred way of life.Although what kind of lifestyle a person likes cannot be decided by himself, it is formed by a mixture of various complicated factors when the person is still a child.But when a certain method becomes a habit, it is very difficult to change it.The beauty is that the parties often appreciate this way of living.Don't want to change, or don't bother to change at all. This kind of thinking became more and more clear after I got to know "Son of Satan". After the family left that night, I felt very tired.It can be felt that my mother is still in a state of excitement, and she repeatedly chats with my father about the changes in the appearance of certain relatives.Dad is a pair of indifference.After I developed depression, my father became more and more silent at home.He ignored my mother's typical menopausal nagging.I can see that he has been regretting the domineering at home in the past few years.But everything came too late, his image has been fixed in my heart and can never be changed.He seems to have become a patriarchal totem in my heart. After I walked into my room, my mood became extraordinarily refreshed.Because I understand that there is only one room on this earth that is completely mine. I took off my clothes, turned on the computer, connected to the Internet, walked into my "Satan City", and found his QQ verification information. I will never forget that night.Because in a sense, his appearance changed my life. "Son of Satan" is that typical paranoid.His name is the thing that excites me the most, and I feel like I'd have a great conversation with him. This is not fate, but a tacit understanding between devils. ALONE: Are you really the son of Satan? Son of Satan (him): Yes ALONE: Then let’s talk Son of Satan: Why are you called ALONE?are you lonely ALONE: ALONE is not lonely, but alone.I am alone, but I am not alone.In other words, I like being alone. Son of Satan: What shall we talk about? ALONE: movie Satan's Son: Do you like "Fallen Angels" very much? ALONE: I don't like it.Actually I don't like anything but loneliness.All I can say is that the movie was right for me. Satan's Son: That movie is not for anyone at all because everyone in it has their own way of life. ALONE: But they all have one thing in common, that is loneliness. Son of Satan: You like loneliness, so naturally you should like loneliness. ALONE: You are wrong, loneliness and loneliness are different. Son of Satan: ? ALONE: Loneliness is physical, loneliness is spiritual.The body belongs to oneself, and the spirit belongs to the world. Son of Satan: So you like loneliness, but you don't like loneliness. ALONE: To be precise, I like the loneliness accompanied by loneliness Satan's Son: I haven't seen many movies.But you still remind me of the protagonist in a movie. ALONE: what is it Satan's Son: "Sex?lie?The guy in the videotape.do you feel like him ALONE: It's somewhat similar. Son of Satan: I guess you also like to masturbate while watching videos^^^^ ALONE: In fact, masturbation is the most perfect way of sex in the world. Son of Satan: Just because of freedom?Do whatever you want? ALONE: More than that.I said that a person's body is his own, and any other person's touch is a defilement of loneliness Son of Satan: In fact, people who masturbate have no desire in nature.Their desire is really just a need ALONE: I don't even know what to call my desire.I don't get satisfaction from masturbating, but I get pleasure from it.I think this is the ideal state of existence for me. Son of Satan: As long as you are satisfied. ALONE: Actually, I really want to know what a normal person's desire looks like. Satan's Son: If you watched Henry?Miller's book and you'll understand.When all a person's desires are exposed to the public by a bystander, he has no desires to speak of. ALONE: Why? Son of Satan: Because then you will understand that desire can belong to one person, or it can belong to two people, it can belong to a man and a woman, it can belong to a man and a man, a woman and a woman, it can even belong to many people, all people.If you understand this truth, you will know that any need you have can be called a desire. ALONE: Can you tell me about your desires? Son of Satan: My strongest desire is to have a world without women.not a single one. ALONE: Why do you hate women so much? Son of Satan: Actually, not all women are hateful.But a few hateful women are enough to make me hate women all over the world. ALONE: But if there is no woman, what do you rely on to satisfy your other desires? Son of Satan: As I said, desire can belong to any two people.Without women, there are men, and without men, there are myself. ALONE: According to my understanding, you are an occasional gay.Don't know if you care about that. Son of Satan: Haha, I've been thinking about this question too.But I still can't figure it out.I used to be lazy.Whatever you say is what you say.But what about the "encounter type"? (Explanation: Internet catchphrase, derived from Cantonese dialect, probably means "Why do you say...") ALONE: It means that you can have desires for men, but not for sexual reasons, but because of rejection of women. Son of Satan: But the funny thing is, so far I haven't had any desire for any man.Specifically, I'm in abstinence~~~haha ALONE: Maybe I will have lust for you, haha Son of Satan: Impossible, because the biggest feeling you give me is narcissism ALONE: But I see myself in you. Son of Satan: We will never be alike.But we have the most essential things in common. ALONE: Is it loneliness? Son of Satan: Yes ALONE: Do you also like loneliness? Son of Satan: I didn't like it, but one day I found myself surrounded by people who make you hate or even disgust, I also fell in love with loneliness. ALONE: We are at least a little different. Son of Satan: What? ALONE: You like being alone is forced, I like being alone is spontaneous. Son of Satan: Haha, yeah. ALONE: To be honest I would love to meet you. Son of Satan: After all, narcissistic people also have some curiosity that ordinary people should have. ALONE: Not to meet your people, but to actually see the alternative life I could have chosen. Satan's Son: Where Do We Meet? http://hi.b aidu .com/yunshenwuji I walked out of the house at three o'clock in the morning to meet the "Son of Satan".Before going out, I even carefully selected a better-looking dress.In fact, this kind of behavior is extremely boring according to my usual thinking, but I always feel that the people I meet today will be a little different. It's ridiculous to say that I even kind of hope that this "casual homosexual" will be interested in me, because I have already developed some interest in him during the conversation with him.I strongly feel that there is my shadow in him, and I even suspect that he is another me.Maybe I can see a more complete me from him. I seldom go out alone late at night—I rarely even go out.So I never thought it would be so beautiful at three o'clock in the morning.In the tent-like darkness, those high-rise buildings that fly domineeringly during the day look so trivial and unbearable.Because it was only April, it was very cold at three o'clock in the middle of the night.The wide streets are free from the noise of people and the hustle and bustle of traffic, which makes this huge and sluggish city somewhat charming. There were crowds of people in twos and threes walking on the road in a hurry, which made the originally quiet night sky a little more discordant. I have always longed to live in such a city.Everything is black, nothing is harsh and intrusive.Everyone can masturbate on any street in the city, in any building without being violated.As long as you don't ejaculate yourself on someone else.Like the city in Fallen Angels.People walk along their own tracks, and when they occasionally cross other people's footprints, it is only to satisfy each other's temporary desires, whether it is emotional or physical. The place where I agreed to meet "Son of Satan" was on an overpass not far from my home.The reason why they made an appointment at such a place was because they were afraid that the other party would not be tall enough and would be overshadowed by hasty night walkers. From a distance, I saw a thin boy with a handsome face leaning on the handrail of the bridge and looking at the sky intently.That's him. The "son of Satan" turned out to be a beautiful boy. [Part 2] When I got off the plane, the tears on my face were still wet.Not because I was sad to leave the city where I lived for 19 years, but because I didn't give my dad a hug when I left.As for my mother, I don't care at all.I don't know if I still resist her like this a few years or ten years later, but at least I feel comfortable leaving her now.The moment I set foot on the land of Beijing, my mood began to brighten, because it was the first time I breathed unconstrained air. As soon as I got off the plane, I saw a thin but energetic woman walking towards me with a smile.Before boarding the plane, my mother explained that this is my aunt, the wife of my uncle who is a high official.If I didn't know in advance, I would probably think that this woman is the same as all the housewives in the free market who buy vegetables with baskets, because she really lacks the temperament of most official wives.To put it nicely, it means that this is a very friendly official wife. My aunt was a very kind woman - much kinder than my own mother.While explaining to me the reason why my uncle couldn't pick me up in person, she asked the accompanying tall men to carry my luggage into a black Honda sedan.I didn't know what to say to her, so I kept smiling politely. After getting in the car, my aunt took my hand and began to chatter about some trivial matters that I was not interested in at all.She said that the last time she saw me was more than ten years ago. At that time, I was a little girl who couldn't walk and often drool all over the front of my clothes. Such a beautiful and clean girl.When I said this, I saw a little melancholy in her eyes.At this time, I suddenly remembered that my uncle had an only son who was a few years older than me.So I followed my aunt's words and asked her if my cousin had graduated from college. My aunt's originally radiant eyes suddenly dimmed. "He has already graduated." My aunt said quietly. After that, my aunt was very silent along the way, so I had time to look at the scenery outside the window through the glass. The streets of Beijing are slightly cleaner and wider than those of Shanghai.However, because there are too many people on the street, it looks crowded.The roadside buildings are very similar to those in Shanghai, mostly tall and ugly.So my interest in the city soon waned a lot.Maybe big cities are all the same.In a few years, there will be many people I don't like in Beijing, so I will look for another city.Thinking of this, I feel a little sad. So my aunt and I didn't talk much along the way. The car drove for a long time before arriving at my uncle's house. It's different from my family.My uncle's house lives in a residential area with beautiful scenery, and it is a high-rise building. The house was large and empty.When we got home, my aunt became unusually talkative again.She began to repeatedly explain her feelings about this house to me.She said that she has never seen dust since she was a child, so she has to tidy up the room many times a day, so no matter what time the house is always clean.Only then did I realize that my mother is not the only housewife in this world who has been persecuted by her family.The difference is that my mother focused her attention on me, and this aunt of mine focused on the house.Thinking of this, I really envy this cousin I have never met-he can live the life I dream of, but he doesn't have to have my mother. My aunt has already cleaned up the guest room. The room is not big. There is a very delicate single bed, and the white sheets make people feel very comfortable.There was a big writing desk beside the bed, and there was a pot of flowers that bloomed beautifully and could not be named on the window sill.The glass on the window is polished very brightly, and the streets in the community can be clearly seen.From time to time, there are people walking in twos and threes on the street, which looks like a mess of cotton. When I packed my luggage, it was already four o'clock in the afternoon.My aunt was preparing dinner in the kitchen, and she kindly asked me to watch TV in the living room first.At this time, I thought that out of normal etiquette, I should go to the kitchen to help my aunt choose dishes or chat with her, but my aunt asked me to stay in the kitchen alone.She said it was too hot in the kitchen and I couldn't stay here.It suddenly occurred to me that a woman with a cleanliness usually does not allow others to enter her kitchen.So I tactfully withdrew. I decided to walk around the rooms, since I'm going to be living here for quite a while. The living room is grand, but not vulgar.I think this has a lot to do with my uncle's military status.Whether it is leather sofas, mahogany furniture, or various furnishings, there is a faint sense of masculinity. There is a long corridor connecting the living room and the door.I noticed a beautiful wooden door in one corner of the corridor.I pushed and the door was locked.I figured it might be a storage room or something.So go back to the living room. Soon my aunt prepared a very sumptuous dinner.I was particularly moved by the fact that there were several Shanghai-style side dishes on the table.My aunt said it was because I was afraid that I would not be used to the food in the north when I was new here.This moved me more or less. Not long after, my uncle also came back.As I imagined, he is the typical military image.Unsmiling and serious most of the time.But one thing is certain, that is, he has a deep bond with my mother's brother and sister, because he kept asking about my mother's physical condition during the meal. Halfway through the meal, I heard the sound of someone opening the door with a key. My aunt immediately put down the bowls and chopsticks, and walked quickly to open the door. "Why did you come back so late again?" My aunt complained as she walked. I noticed that my uncle had also suddenly become much quieter.He lowered his eyelids and sipped the white wine in his cup. Soon my aunt will be back.Standing beside him was a tall boy in his early 20s with dark skin and an expressionless face.A look of extreme fatigue. "This is your cousin, your aunt's daughter, who came to study in Beijing." The aunt introduced to the boy enthusiastically. Only then did I know that this prospective man like a wooden stake was my cousin. My cousin nodded to me, squeezed out a few words from the corner of his mouth: "I've had dinner." Then he turned and left. I noticed he used his key to unlock the locked door in the corner of the corridor and walked in. It turned out that the "storage room" turned out to be his room.He even locked the door of his room when he was out, which is unthinkable in my house. After the cousin returned to the room, the aunt sighed and continued to eat.The atmosphere at the dinner table suddenly became much more awkward. I didn't bother to pay attention to those things at their house, so I quickly finished my meal and went back to my room. In the room, I heard my aunt complaining about something.Intuition told me that what my aunt complained about was related to this cousin.But my uncle has been silent. Heh, who is interested in managing these.I took out the MD-WALKMAN I brought. In such an environment that is stranger than home in Shanghai, I just want to listen to music. "All the leaves are brown Andtheskyisgrey sky is gray I'vebeenforawalk on this winter day Onawinter'sday I walk alone I'dbeensafeandwarmif I'm in California right now IfIwasinL.A will definitely feel warm and comfortable California dreaming my California dream Onsuchawinter'sday reverberates in this winter Stoppedintoachurch I stopped in front of the church Ipassed along the way WellIgotdownonmykneesI got down on my knees AndI'dpretendtopray pretend to pray You know the preacher likes the cold HeknowsI'mgonnastay 'cause people would love to stay at church bells California dreaming my California dream Onsuchawinter'sday" echoes in this winter While listening to the music, he fell into a drowsy sleep, and his whole body seemed to fly to California on the other side of the ocean along with the music.When I woke up, it was already dark outside the window.I found myself covered with a thick quilt, and I knew that my aunt must have come in to cover me.In fact, women like my aunt are very kind women.I think my mother must have done something like this, but my aunt's way is more acceptable. I get up and go to the bathroom.The living room was dark.Only then did I subconsciously look at the wall clock on the wall - it turned out that it was already two o'clock in the middle of the night.It seems that flying is really tiring.Flying along the latitude line will make people's time system confused, while flying along the longitude line will make people's space system dizzy. When I passed my cousin's room, I found that there was still light in the crack of the door. It turned out that my cousin hadn't slept yet.I felt very strange and wondered what he was doing.Before I met him, I was very curious about him. There was a very clear voice in the room, not speaking Chinese, and it was obviously not my cousin's voice. I was about to put my ears closer to hear what the voice inside was saying.Suddenly the door opened.The burly figure of my cousin suddenly appeared at the door.He was wearing a pair of fat shorts and was topless. "What are you doing here?" He asked coldly. I immediately adjusted my state from panic to usual reserve. "I'm going to the bathroom." I said. "The light switch is on the wall, turn it on yourself." He was still expressionless. I nodded, turned around and left. I heard a decisive sound of closing the door behind me. After going to the toilet, I went back to my room.The experience of being caught at the scene of this voyeurism left me with lingering fears.My cousin is tall and has a cold expression. He must be very afraid of people when he loses his temper.My father was the only man I knew growing up, and he was very kind and friendly.So I have a faint fear of this kind of cold-looking man. For the first time, I found it so boring to be alone late at night.I also finally understand why the most beautiful music is only suitable for listening alone in the middle of the night.Because people are bored at this time, they can concentrate on discovering the hidden things in the rhythm and experience the moving elements in the experience of the creator of music. The small road outside the window is no longer as lively as it was during the day.Not a single person.The reflections of the trees beside the road looked eerie under the pale moonlight. After sitting alone in a daze for a long time, I decided to knock on my cousin's door.Since both are awake, there is no need for both to be bored. My cousin seemed taken aback when he opened the door.Evidently my reappearance surprised him somewhat. "I can't sleep, I want to chat with you." I said lightly. He didn't make a sound, and seemed to be thinking.Standing at the door with his burly figure made me feel suffocated. "If it's not convenient, I'll go back." I said. "Come in." He said coldly. So at last I entered his mysterious room. The room is large, but it is very messy, which is out of tune with the cleanliness of the living room and guest room.There is a big bed by the window.There were messy things scattered on the floor.Mainly VCD boxes and computer discs.And some through socks and panties, which turned me off a little. The most conspicuous thing in the room is the computer on the desk.The casing of the chassis and the display are all black, which looks very eye-catching.My cousin seems to be using a computer to watch a VCD. I seem to have seen that movie called "The Journey of Ulysses", which tells the story of two children looking for their father. "Do you like watching movies?" I asked with great interest. "Yes." He was still very indifferent. "Can't you be a little more enthusiastic? After all, I'm your guest!" I was a little annoyed.Because I've never pleasing a guy with such a low profile, just out of curiosity. "I'm already enthusiastic enough for you. Even my own mother hasn't even stepped into my room." His tone is still unobtrusive. This was quite beyond my expectation. I decided to skip this topic.Because according to the usual practice, there is no good atmosphere to talk about this kind of topic. "Do you often watch movies alone in your room?" I asked. "Occasionally go online." He kept his eyes on the screen. I feel very embarrassed.His indifference is nothing short of an insult to me.So I started getting angry.I stood up and unplugged the computer. "What are you doing?" He seemed very angry, his eyes widened, and he asked me. "This is to tell you that you should at least have a minimum of respect for a girl." I gave him a blank look. He was silent again.seems to be thinking.This process lasted for ten seconds.I stared into his eyes, but he didn't look at me. "I'm really sorry. I rarely deal with girls." He seemed to be apologizing, but his tone remained the same. "Let's watch a movie together. I haven't seen a movie for a long time." I finally decided to skip this topic.Because he doesn't look like he's lying.Despite his aloofness, there is no lack of sincerity. "What do you want to see?" he asked. "What do you have here?" I asked back. "I have everything here." I noticed that his eyes seemed to light up when he said this. "Then I'm going to watch Fallen Angels," I said. 他突然转过头，用一种很异样的眼神看着我。 “怎么？你没有？”我的语气明显带有一种挑衅和幸灾乐祸的意味。 “我当然有。”他似乎对我的说法很不屑，“我只是没想到你喜欢这部电影。” [之四]春天来了。在春天我的心情一贯是比较糟糕的。因为北京的春天天气恶劣。沙尘暴和泥点雨是常有的事，出门的时候衣服往往会弄得很脏。在北京生活了40年，目睹了北京气候的全部变化过程，我的头脑中经常会产生好多感慨。人真是一种很伟大的动物。短短的几十万年，人类居然能够将地球上酝酿了50亿年的东西彻底改变。 去年年底，一所语言学校聘请我去教英语。学生多是一些富贵之家的纨绔子弟，大部分都是为了自费出国而报名上课的。待遇很优厚，而且一周只上两天课，上课的地点离我的家也很近，所以我也就欣然应允了。 这么些年来，由于家庭氛围的压抑，工作几乎成了我生活的主旋律。之所以用“主旋律”这个被用烂了的词汇，是因为我实在找不到另一个更加合适的词来替代它。 第一天上课，我便注意到在教室的中间有一双很亮的眼睛一直在注视着我。于是我仔细观察了那双眼睛的主人——是一个面容很清秀的女孩。我想我一生都无法忘记那张面孔。长睫毛，大眼睛，眉心的一颗淡淡的黑痣。十几年前，也曾有这样一张脸那么强烈的吸引着我，让我为之疯狂，为之付出一切。 她的面容实在太像当年我的妻子。只不过这个女孩的气质中多了一分活跃，少了一丝稳重。尽管如此，我仍然久久无法终止自己对这张面孔的注视。其实仔细看来，她们也还是有一些不相似的地方，但这张面孔勾起了很多昔日的记忆。 女孩是个学习很认真的学生。上课的时候她总是全神贯注的注视着我的眼睛，听着我的讲授。她的表情专注而陶醉。她炽热的目光让我经常心旌激荡。 于是，很快的，去这所英语学校上课成了我每周工作的最大乐趣。我总是有一种感觉，这张面孔是上帝赐给我的，它终将属于我。即使我不能长久的拥有它，但每周都能够有几小时的时间注视它，也是一种享受。 终于有一天，下课之后，那个女孩子轻盈的走到我身边，对我很妩媚的笑了笑，说她有很多问题没有弄明白，问我放学后是否有时间给她讲解一下。 只有我自己知道当时我的心跳速度有多快。有那么几秒钟我甚至呆立在那里，不知道是该答应还是该拒绝。我的直觉隐隐告诉我：她是在用一种单纯的方式引诱我。我从她的语气中感受到了请教问题之外的东西。 对于我来说，这或许是靠近这张面孔唯一的机会。可是我们之间20多岁的年龄差距让我的良心在对这张面孔渴求的同时忍受着猛烈的道德批判。无论多么开放的社会，一位教师对和自己的孩子年龄差不多的女孩产生不洁的幻想都是不道德的。可是最终我的欲念战胜了良心，我点了点头。 那天中午，我把她带到一个环境很好的咖啡厅。因为那里很静，而且可以边喝东西边辅导。尽管当时我的心里乱得很，根本就没有什么心思考虑她的那些问题。不过有一点是肯定的，我心理清楚得很，我想和她有更亲密的东西，甚至和她上床。我第一次发现我的伦理底线竟如此的不堪一击！ 事实和我想象得差不多，她也根本就没有什么问题需要我辅导。因为自始至终她都是似笑非笑的看着我，并且不时用修长的手指饶弄她长长的头发。那神情像极了那个十几年前我曾狂热迷恋的女人。于是我用手抚摩她的脸。她没有抗拒，微微半闭着眼睛。我感觉得到她的面颊火烫的温度和她眉目间那颗黑痣的颤栗。 我吻她，她也没有抗拒。她的舌头温暖而柔软，在我的牙齿间肆意的游走。这是真正的吻，却是我多年希冀仍无法得到的。今天，一个二十岁的少女给了我。我甚至可以感觉到她均匀的呼吸。我紧紧把她抱在自己的怀里，深深的吻她，全然不在意周围人们异样的目光。她始终紧随着我的步伐。 终于我把她带到了一家宾馆，开了个房间。 我把她抱起来，横放到床上，隔着衣服抚摩她的身体。那是一具散发着无限青春气息的少女的躯体。她始终微闭着眼睛，双手紧紧抓着我的肩膀，很有规律的呻吟。我肆意的亲吻她高挺的乳房，抚摩她的光滑的小腿。当我终于剥光她的衣服，使她完美的裸体完完全全的呈现在我的面前的时候，我再也无法忍耐身体内的躁热。我感觉我的血管和全部肌肉都要迸裂。可我仍能感觉到她在轻轻的解我衬衫上的纽扣。 她在主动挑逗我。我无法抗拒这种挑逗。这种挑逗是我希冀了20年的。那是真正的人性深处最需要的挑逗，不搀杂所有其它的因素。 我进入她的身体时，疼痛使她啊了一声，并皱起了眉头。 这竟然是她的第一次。 我吻去她额头上的汗珠，紧紧的抱着她。我突然明白现在被我压在身体下的还是个孩子。她需要关怀和呵护。那一刻我为自己的冒失而歉疚。 很快我就达到了高潮。太长时间的压抑使我无法在这样的境况下坚持很久。她的疼痛也结束了。我又看到了她额头上沁出的细细的汗珠，不过她的表情很幸福——非常幸福，全然没有失身后的痛苦和悔恨。 她就这样静静的靠在我的胸膛上，拉着我的手臂。我点了一根烟。——结婚后我便染上了抽烟的嗜好。 “你会恨我吗？”我问她，声音是颤抖的。我真的怕我的冲动会毁掉一个女孩对最纯真最浪漫的爱情的幻想。 “你结婚了吗？”她反问我。声音懒懒的。 “……”我实在不知道该怎么回答她。我知道“结婚了”意味着什么。那意味着我是一个有了老婆却仍然强占其它女孩子的淫魔。这个念头在一瞬间使我无限的恐惧。 “我知道你结婚了。因为你一直在轻声的喊着两个字——'纾华'。那一定是你妻子的名字。”她继续说。没有明显的声调起伏，那语气既没有气愤也没有责备。 登时我的脊梁上就沁出了冷汗。我在和她做爱的时候竟然喊出了妻子的名字。连我自己都没有察觉。 “我会对你负责任的。”我想了半天，只是挤出了这么几个字。这句话在女孩的冷静自若的表情面前显得如此苍白。 “谁要你负责。”女孩轻快的说。 她很快的站起身，穿上了衣服。我躺在床上呆呆的注视着她穿衣服的背影。 穿好衣服后，她伏在床上，在我的脸颊上轻轻的亲了一下，之后甜甜的笑了笑，说老师再见。之后便打开门走了出去。把呆若木鸡的我冷在了那里。 我半天没有回过神。感觉这一切就像在演戏一样。不过枕边留下的女孩的发香却是真实的。 我也起身慢慢的穿衣服。 我甚至在想，我们是不是仍然能够有机会再次做爱。 这个想法很快就在我的自责中破灭了。 我不能一再侵占一个清白女孩的身体。无论她是否责怪我。我这样对自己说。