Chapter 7 Chapter VII

For two months, I saw Hans alone, talking about homework with him, and riding with him.Spring is approaching, and the branches are sprouting new buds.How long has it been? How long have I been a person of Xu Cunzi? In this dark day, only my homework supports me.Now there is Hans, our relationship is based on a tacit understanding of friends who are clear and speculative. Not seeing anyone from Xu's family for two months is really quiet. I also asked Hans: "What are you studying?" "We suspect that there is a third component in the atom besides the proton and the molecule."

I laughed, "I don't understand. I study law. I only know that you can't doubt anything without evidence." He took a puff on his pipe. "There is no way to see it. Even the atom itself has to be impacted to prove its existence." "Impact—? It's getting more and more mysterious, so listen carefully: let's present your precious evidence." He teased me by touching my chin, "Let's say there's a bar." "Yes. I'm listening, a bar." He glanced at me, and I couldn't help laughing. "There's only one entrance and exit," he went on.

"Yes, an entrance and exit." "If you don't pay attention, I'll beat you." "But people keep walking in the other direction, you say, do we have to suspect that there is an exit somewhere in the bar, at least there is a toilet." I stared, opened my mouth wide, and said for a while, "I don't believe it! The government pays so much money to make you find a toilet that doesn't exist?" "It's not the toilet, it's the third molecule in the atom." "You said the toilet." I laughed. He was anxious, "Do you understand?"

"Frankly, no." I shook my head. "God," said Hans. "OK, you're trying to discover a third component in the atom. All physics is not an 'invention'. It's a 'discovery'. Like Franklin, he discovered electricity, because electricity is permanent. People use it all the time. The kerosene lamp, because people didn't 'discover' electricity, did they? The light bulb is an invention, but it's not electricity, is it?" "God, you finally understand." He covered his forehead with his hand. "I figured it out in third grade," I said, "Jesus."

"Don't you feel excited?" he asked. "What's so exciting about this?" I asked dumbfounded. "Heh, is it still worth getting excited about the law department?" "certainly." "Fart." He said, "Recite the cases that have been judged by the predecessors again and again, and then go to court, pretending to brag...is this exciting?" "You don't understand the law! Don't criticize things you don't understand." I was angry. "Hey." He bit his pipe again. "Stupid physicists," I said.

He smiled, "You are still a beautiful girl." "But it's missing a head, isn't it?" I pointed. "No, and with a head." He shook his head. "How did you know? Are you still a brain expert?" I asked back. He laughed, "Eat your apple pie." "It's delicious, extremely delicious." I asked, "Where did you buy it?" "Buy? I made it." He pointed to his nose. "'Von Eisenbeck' brand?" I was surprised, "I really can't see it." "I've got a lot of secret geniuses that will take you a long time to discover," he said.

"Huh." I laughed, "I'm going back, I'm going to get fat from eating here." "I might propose to you." Hans laughed, "If you—" "Big deal." I laughed, "Who cares." Hans held my arm, his blue and stern eyes under his golden eyebrows. "You are rare, you are rare at that moment." Suddenly, from his expression, I thought of the Gestapo I had seen in the movie.I was very displeased and threw his hand away, "Don't talk about this, I'm not a Jew, so don't treat me like this." He let go of his hand and said in surprise: "You are the most emotionally unstable person I have ever met, or you should see a psychiatrist."

I scolded in Mandarin: "You are crazy." "What's that?" he asked. I'm already on the horse. A horn sounded in the distance, the fox-hunting season began again, and it was a triumphant symphony. "Next Wednesday?" he asked. "Another quarrel?" I immediately bowed my head and kissed his forehead.The horse made a circle, I rode back, and kissed his face again.His long golden eyelashes flickered against my cheeks like butterfly wings. "Next Wednesday." I rode away. I missed my appointment on Wednesday because Xu Cunzi came again. He is like a ghost, appearing and disappearing at any time, and he will get used to everything, but it is really difficult to live with such a man.He made my nerves infinitely tense, and my whole body tensed up.

(This meal is not delicious, but the conditions he offered are irresistible.) After dinner with him, I never had a chance to contact Hans. Missing appointments for no reason is not my habit, and I was very upset, feeling like I was imprisoned. A bird in a cage, I thought: canary. Xu Cunzi said: "Tomorrow Conghui and Jiaming will also come. I plan to marry them in the spring." "great." "You are absent-minded, why?" I said frankly, "Mr. Xu, I have an appointment and I am a few hours late. Can you let me go out and be back in half an hour?" He looked surprised. "Strange, when did I not let you go out? You misunderstood me too much, when did I interfere with your freedom?"

I didn't argue with him against this theory, I said: "Half an hour." But I couldn't find my Johnson Healy at the door. I don't doubt that Xu Cunzi will put away my car.But where did such a car go?When she was in doubt, Mrs. Simpson came out with a smile. She said, "Mr. Xu said that your new car is in the garage. Here are the keys." "New car?" I walked to the garage. A Morgan sports car, and it's white.I have never seen a more beautiful car in my life.My heart softens. I went back to the house and I said to him, "Thank you." "Sit down," he said kindly.

I hesitated. "You still want to go?" he asked. "It's only half an hour." I felt wronged. "Okay, whatever you want, I don't care about you." His voice was very peaceful. "Let's have supper when we come back." I said and kissed his hand. "Go and come back quickly," he said I went back to the garage to start the Morgan--such a beautiful car!I've thought about the car for the rest of my life.Everything I want to live in my life is now within my reach.Xu Cunzi is an emperor, and I am his favorite concubine... I calm down.Or should I tell Hans von Eisenbeck that I can no longer see him.My "dad" is back. When the car arrived at Hans' door, he leaned against the door, smoking a pipe, and looked at me quietly.I stop the car. "Beautiful car," he said. "I'm sorry, Hans, I—" He tapped on his pipe and interrupted me, "I understand, your sugar daddy is back, so I missed the appointment." "I'm sorry." I sighed, "It's not convenient for me to see you anymore." "Why? Because, as Lao Tim said, he is very powerful?" Hans was very calm, his eyes sparkled like sapphires. "Old Tim is right." "Are you afraid?" he asked. I nod. "Then why are you still coming to see me?" he asked. I don't ring.Why? "Is it because Mr. Xu can't give you anything except material things?" "That's not true." "Then why? You don't have to apologize just for missing the appointment, do you? You didn't mean to come into my room, so you can tell that he is waiting for you. Either stay or go back right away. Don't hesitate." But I want to be with him.I get out of the car and close the door. He put the pipe in his pocket, and he hugged me gently. "You are still a young woman. The old man has one foot in the coffin, and he is taking you with him. You may gain the whole world, but what gain is it to lose your life?" When I walked into his room, I suddenly felt comfortable and free. This is the only place where I can sleep without taking sleeping pills. I turned my head and said, "I'll make a souffle for you to eat." "You're going to have to make soufflé?" he wondered. I nodded with a smile, "Best. Look at my gestures." But the shadow of Xu Cunzi hangs over my heart all the time.Is the smiling face that Hans gave me better than Xu Cunzi? "Have you ever considered leaving him?" Hans asked. "How to leave him? He will give me everything," I said desperately. "Treat me like a princess." "But he is a dragon," said Hans. "Are you going to make a cameo in White Knight?" I asked. "The soufflé is so well done." He flicked about it. "thanks." "The question is whether the princess will be free from that dragon." He stared at me. "I don't know either." I covered my face with my hands. "You're scared," he said. "Yes, I don't deny that I'm afraid." I sigh. "You have the most beautiful horse, the most beautiful car, the most beautiful house, the most beautiful necklace, but you are not happy. Why?" "He intimidated me, he threatened me, he gave me the greatest fear psychologically." "Are you relying too much on him?" "No. I can't love an old man. He's just an old man. And he can't love me. I'm just a whore he bought." "Then leave him," said Hans, "you have a long time to live." "Let me think about it," I said. "I'll give you a week." He walks me out the door and I drive Morgan home. Simpson told me that Xu Cunzi had gone to bed first, and he hoped that we could set off to hunt foxes tomorrow morning.Song Jiaming will also participate. I asked Simpson, "Do I have to go?" I was tired. Simpson said softly: "Miss Jiang, some girls sit in the office and type for eight hours a day, and you just accompany him on a fox hunt occasionally. Whether you like it or not, you go there once." I hugged Simpson involuntarily and rested my head on her shoulder, as if I had received the greatest comfort from her.People are emotional animals. After all, it has been more than a year since I got along with her, from spring to autumn, and from autumn to summer. I fall asleep quickly.Promising Hans that I will consider it is not a lie.I do have to think about it.my whole life... I was the last one to go downstairs in the morning.Simpson put my hair in a hairnet, and I held my hat and whip. Song Jiaming is ready. He said, "Mr. Xu is waiting for us at the stable." I have no words.Follow him. Only Xu Cunzi and Song Jiaming held guns.The genius is bright, I put on the yellow Ray-Ban fog glasses, and the weather is very cold.I had the feeling of being underdressed, although the cloak was half over the horse's back and didn't draw it tighter.I was flustered and tired. I walked all over the mud, and my boots were splashed with mud.Song Jiaming murmured and cursed: "It's such a horrible weather, come out to hunt." I didn't make a sound. Lao Tim was followed by a dozen or twenty hounds, and I don't understand why we can't hound them on a sunny spring afternoon and let that fox die comfortably. However, if the emperor says to leave at six-thirty in the morning, we have to listen to him. Sapphire's nose snorted. Lao Tian asked: "Master, when will we release the fox?" Xu Cunzi said coldly, "Wait for my order, Lao Tian, ​​be patient." At this moment, a sorrel horse came to meet us from the opposite side. I was stunned for a while, but before I could figure out what was going on, Xu Cunzi had already turned his head and said, "Xibao, you should introduce us formally. one time." It was Hans von Eisenbeck. My blood clots.I said, "Turn back, Hans, come on." "Why?" Hans took his horse a step forward and moved his thin lips, "Because I shouldn't challenge His Majesty the King this morning?" Song Jiaming scolded in a low voice: "I don't know when I'm about to die." "Hans," I said to him, holding back Sapphire, "will you go back?" He held out his hand on the horse, "Hans von Eisenbeck." Xu Cunzi said, "My surname is Xu." He did not shake hands with Hans. Hans shrugged and drew his hand back. I said, "Hans, hurry up." I begged him. But no one paid me any attention.Song Jiaming sat on the horse, his face turned ashen. Xu Cunzi said, "Mr. Fengsenbeck, please join us." He turned around and said, "Old Tim, let the fox go." Lao Tian opened the cage, and the fox rushed out like an arrow. The hounds barked and chased after him. Xu Cunzi raised his shotgun, and Hans was already riding dozens of yards ahead of him. I screamed, "Hans! Run! Hans! Run." Hans turned his head, he had a look of disbelief, and then he saw Xu Cunzi's face and the gun in his hand, he understood, and rushed forward as soon as he got on the horse, it was too late. Xu Cunzi pulled the gun and let out a whistle. We only saw Hans' sorrel horse stumbled and quickly knelt down. Hans rolled in the mud. I was very quiet, and rode Sapphire to where Hans fell, and I dismounted. "Hans" I called him. He didn't answer. His face was facing the sky, his eyes were wide open, and he looked at the sky in disbelief. Most of the blue eyes had faded, and now they were just like glass balls. I lift him up. "Hans." I held his head. he died.My gloves are covered in blood and brains. I knelt in the mud and the sky was dimly lit. Song Jiaming shouted: "Don't look." I raised my head and stared at Xu Cunzi.I put Hans down and stood up.I said, "He didn't even touch me. Mr. Xu, and you killed him." Xu Cunzi said to Lao Tian: "Tian, ​​good man, go to the police. This fact is really unfortunate. Tell the police that I killed a friend by mistake." Song Jiaming said, "No, Mr. Xu, I killed him by mistake. Unfortunately, the shotgun misfired." I said, "It was a well-planned murder." Lao Tian said: "I told Mr. von Eisenbeck not to run ahead, I will go to the police station immediately." He turned around on horseback and quickly ordered to call the police. Hans' horse was struggling, and it broke its front leg. "Give me the gun," I said. Xu Cunzi was not afraid at all, so he put the gun in my hand, and I shot the horse in the head, then threw the gun to the ground. I knelt down to look at Hans' face, it was like a porcelain statue, he was dead. I tried to turn around and walk away, but my feet didn't work and I passed out. When I woke up, it was a rare sunny day, the birds were singing and the flowers were fragrant, and I was lying on my bed.Mrs. Simpson was sitting in front of me, and when she saw me open my eyes, she hissed. "Okay," she said, "It really scared us. Mr. Song and Miss Xu are getting married tomorrow. If you can't attend their wedding, you will be disappointed." "Are they married?" I asked, getting up from the bed. "Miss Jiang, I advised you not to take too much sedatives and sleeping pills. Didn't it cause a drug reaction now? You were in a coma all day and night, scaring us—I'll call the nurse in." I lay on the bed dazedly. A man is murdered, and the family throws a happy event as if nothing had happened. Xu Cunzi and the nurse came in at the same time. The nurse gave me an injection, took my blood pressure, and removed the saline injection on my wrist. Xu Cunzi said in a calm voice, "We are very concerned about your health—" "Where's Hans?" "Buried." Xu Cunzi's voice was still calm, "It's unfortunate. The biggest disadvantage of hunting is the danger. The police are very sympathetic to us, and the case is almost over. I swear I will never touch a shotgun again." .” I asked, "Do you have nightmares?" The voice was equally indifferent. "Not necessarily." He replied. The nurse gave me medicine. I asked the nurse, "Have I lost a lot of weight?" The nurse smiled, "I'll be back in no time, don't worry, it's only good, there will be no fat loss in the skinny place. Don't take sleeping pills from now on." "Is it really a drug reaction?" I asked. "Naturally," she was surprised, "the doctor's diagnosis." She patted the back of my hand and left the room. I said, "You bought everybody." "I didn't buy Judas Iscalio." He changed to a desolate voice. I'm done, and no one can escape his grasp in this life. I thought of asking: "Why didn't you kill Dennis Ruan? Why didn't you kill Song Jiaming? And your son Xu Congshu?" He said behind my back, "They're all right. You never fell in love with them." "I'm not in love with von Eisenbeck either." "Yes, you have, you have fallen in love with him, you just don't realize it. I know you far more than you know yourself. I must get rid of him, either he or me." "you are wrong." "I was right. I knew I was right when you baked him soufflé yourself," he said. I asked in disbelief: "You killed someone for me?" I trembled. "I'll do anything for you," he said. "why?" "You are my woman, Xibao, you must remember this, you can leave me forever, but as long as you are still under my name, you'd better not act rashly." His voice was like iron. I thought of Hans' head, his blood and brains, and I vomited. Xu Cunzi called the nurse in. The next day when Xu Conghui married Song Jiaming, I went anyway.Sitting in St. Paul's Cathedral like a puppet, with powder on his face, a white satin gown, a hat with a net and feathers.Simpson has always stood by my side.She treats me from a false heart to a sincere heart. Unbelievably smart and beautiful, with a long pure white satin dress, low cut, slender waist, high tied hair, and a small diamond crown on it, like a little princess in a fairy tale.I looked at her silently. A man is murdered, lying in the mud, and they celebrate as if nothing had happened.Even the whole family came, except Congshu.Xu Cunzi fully disclosed my relationship with him and introduced me to his wife. Ms. Ouyang Xiuli is still so rich and graceful, her face is smooth and smooth, and all her movements are half a beat slower than this world. She looked at me from head to toe, and from toe to head, and nodded slowly. I don’t know what it means . I call him "Mrs. Xu". She said: "It's a cold day, you're not afraid of the cold with such thin clothes?" I smiled miserably, not knowing how to answer.Simpson was the first to say it for me: "Miss Jiang has a long Mink cape here, and I prepared it for her." Xu Congqi didn't even lift his eyelids, he was talking to her two little girls, pretending not to see me.Embarrassed, Fang Jiakai nodded to me embarrassingly, but looked at Cong Qi, afraid that she would blame her. Ouyang Xiuli sat next to me with a half-smile, with her hands on her chubby knees, she said: "Congqi is pregnant, I hope she will give birth to a son to fulfill her wish." I don't know whether to tell me Listen. (Someone is murdered, blood and brains, while the murderer's family sits and gossips.) I whispered to Simpson, "Give me a tranquilizer." She took it from the little bottle in her handbag and handed it to me.I took it and put it in my mouth, feeling better. No one mentioned the name von Eisenbeck again.Based on my legal knowledge, it is not enough to know how many times they went to court and how many people they passed.Anyway, Xu Cunzi has achieved his goal: there is nothing he can't do if he wants to do it, so it doesn't matter if he kills someone, he can cover it.Song Jiaming, his son-in-law ran out of the court for him, but he was still his businessman at ease, earning his money.He will not treat Song Jiaming badly, and Xu Cunzi will not treat anyone badly. But Hans... I threw up and Simpson helped me out of the church. At that time, Xu Cunzi was putting the hand of wisdom on Song Jiaming's.I don't see them exchanging rings. I take a breath of fresh air. "Mr. Simpson, I want to go back and rest." "Miss Jiang, you have to hold on, the ceremony is almost over." She put on the cloak for me. I clutched my cloak and said tremblingly, "Let me go, let me go, my mother is waiting for me, my mother is waiting for me." "Miss Jiang, Miss Jiang—" "Your mother jumped off the building and died." Xu Cunzi appeared behind me and grabbed my shoulders, "You have nowhere to go." I screamed, "You killed her, you made me homeless, you—" He slapped me across the face.I didn't feel any pain, but I kept my mouth shut, and tears fell down, but I wasn't sad. I'm in a nursing home. Homework forced me to stop. Homework was my only sustenance, and I couldn't stop school. After discussing with Xu Cunzi, he agreed that I should live at home, but asked me to see a psychiatrist.I had to bow my head. Then he went back to Zurich, leaving me alone in Cambridge.I tend to work in the library until eight and don't come home until school closes.Simpson has all kinds of perfect dishes waiting for me after school, and I have a bad appetite. He has bribed everyone, the doctor, the housekeeper, the servants.Now I know where I am. Strange, we tried to get very close once, because at that time, I didn’t know Xu Cunzi very well. He was just an ordinary small businessman with a little money, and he could pay my tuition fees, that’s all.Later, I found out that his wealth and power had reached such a point, and it was too late to regret, and at the same time, it didn't seem like real regret. Like he said, if I can muster up the courage, I can still leave him. I asked to meet him. I said simply, "I'm leaving you. Because you're no longer the one I talked to in the garden, and you're not the one I wrote to." "Can you leave me?" Xu Cunzi asked back. "I'll have to try," I replied. "No." He shook his head, "Now I don't want to let you go." I had expected him to have such a trick. The time, effort, and investment he spent on me were all very important. There was no reason to let me go so easily. My face turned pale. "Have you not loved me?" he asked. "There was a brief period," I said. "Is there? Or is it because I'm your boss?" He also asked darkly. "I don't know," I said. "What about you? Did you ever love me?" "You sold your soul to the devil in exchange for what you want. You have already achieved your wish. What else do you want?" "I didn't know you were a devil." I said sadly. "You think I'm a plague?" I nod. "I'm not a Chinatown kid." He smiled. "Why me?" I asked. "Because of your stubbornness, I like people with strong vitality." "I'm you, I don't think so, I'm almost broken." "Mainly because of Hans von Eisenbeck." He spit out the name nonchalantly, "You never forget him." "You murdered him." "He brought it on himself." "He deserves death," I said. "In a war, thousands of people die. Earthquake, famine, plague, who is guilty of death?" "But he died at your gun." "If your sense of justice is so strong and you are a witness, why don't you prosecute me? I think for sure I will get at least a life sentence." I look out the window. "You have said that I have sold my soul to you." "Then forget the whole thing, you are still under my command." Xu Cunzi said. "At one point, I cared about you, your heart disease...in the hospital..." I said. "I'm going to take a long vacation and accompany you to Scotland." I stared out the window blankly. "Cheer up," he said, "Where did the Jiang Xibao I know go?" I move my mouth. "It's almost Easter break, isn't it?" said he. "Come back from Scotland and I'll move you a room." "I don't want to study anymore. I'm going to take a long vacation. One year, two years, three years, forever, to join the ranks of the wise." "Don't be mad." "No, I'm tired." "I don't blame you, but your homework has always been good... Isn't this your only wish?" He showed a regretful expression. It's strange that I can still talk to him. I replied, "Yes, at one point, I swore I was going to graduate, but it's different now. I'm sorry." "I'm sorry? You are only sorry for yourself. Apologize to yourself. You have completed half of your studies. With my ability, I can make you the youngest barrister, and I can even try to get you into Congress." "I don't doubt your strength," I said, "but I don't want to go to school right now." "Anyway, the holiday is coming, let's talk about it after the holiday." He said, "Let's go and see Fort Medicau together, you will be happy." "You have done your best for me," I said, "I am not enough." "You often say, Xibao, you need a lot of love. If you don't have love, it's good to have a lot of money...I like to hear that you put love first." I smiled miserably, "Yes, I am rich now." "Money can do many things, for example, help your father." I look up. "my father?" "Yes, your father is looking for you everywhere," Xu Cunzi said. "Why? For money?" I asked blankly. "Yes, for money." "I don't owe him anything. My surname has been my mother's since I was a child." "But he's still your father." "He was the one who gave birth to me, and never raised me." "In law, this person is still your father." "What does he want? Money?" I asked angrily. "He wants to see you. That's it, what is the ultimate goal? I think you are a smart person, so I don't need to elaborate." "Money." I answered. Xu Cunzi smiled. "How did he come to England?" "It's always possible to mix up an airline ticket." "What should I do?" I asked. "It's not like you can't afford to give him money." "Will he come back?" "Give it again, come back again, give it again," he said. "He is always shameless, what should I do?" I asked desperately. "Give it, give it to him," Xu Cunzi simply replied, "You don't want him to find out, you just want to dismiss him, anyway, you can afford the price, so why not do it?" I was silent for a long time, lit a cigarette, and inhaled slowly. Xu Cunzi asked me, "When did you learn to smoke?" I asked, "Has he aged a lot?" "Who?" "My 'father'." "I don't know, I haven't met him at all, you have to ask Jiaming," Xu Cunzi replied, "Look, you still care about him." "It is said that he was a handsome man back then." I put out my cigarette. "Lingtang is also a beautiful woman." "Two such beautiful people, so vulgar, with no soul at all." I burst out laughing until tears streamed down my face, then I covered my face, "Nothing is left, only me , a waste of life." "No," Xu Cunzi said, "You are not a waste of life, you are living a good life." "Yes, it's disgusting to live on. No matter what happens, I still have to finish my homework." "I'll help you," Xu Cunzi said. "You buy, you kill, you use your power—I will never forgive you." I murmured, "The only way to deal with you is to be more ruthless than you. I can't break down." "I get it," he said, "and I don't want you to break down, I love you." "Mr. Xu, I know that you love me, just like you love Shi Tao's paintings, the stocks that make money every year, and all your property, and I'm just one of them." He was silent for a while. "I know no other love." "You can learn." "Me? Xu Cunzi?" He looked up and laughed, then looked at me and said, "I, Xu Cunzi, don't need to learn any more." "Okay." I nodded and said, "You are Xu Cunzi, I should know." Not long after, my unrepentant father finally appeared. I greet him in the study. "Please sit down." I said.I didn't call him by any name. He nodded, looking at and appraising my furniture—my property. The maid asked him what he drank, and he said whiskey. I called the servant back, and I said, "Dark beer is fine." The maid glanced at him and left as ordered. He doesn't seem to mind. "Your mother died." He said the first words. "I know." I said as I opened the drawer, "How much do you want?" He pretended to jump up, "I'm your father! You think I'm here to beg?" "Do you want it?" I raised my head coldly, "Don't pull it down." I closed the drawer.Make it loud. He sat down. "Look! I don't have much time," I said. "We are father and daughter—" His voice dropped, and even he himself couldn't believe it, such a weak reason. I looked at him, he was old.Beautiful men, like beautiful women, age worse, with greasy, overgrown hair, outdated suits, and dirty ties. Father protested weakly, "I flew ten thousand miles to see you—" "So don't waste time and miss the opportunity, how much do you want?" He hesitated for a moment, then held out five fingers. "Five hundred Hong Kong dollars?" I asked mockingly. He protested again, "It costs me 4,000 Hong Kong dollars to fly back and forth." "How much do you want?" I opened the drawer, took out a whole stack of straight twenty pound notes, and slapped them in the other hand. "Say it." "fifty thousand." "The lion opened his mouth wide." "Fifty thousand is Hong Kong dollars." "It's 50,000 yuan once, it's a good deal." I shook my head. "You have fifty thousand in your hand." He said greedily. "What I hold in my hand is my money." "I am your father." "I thought you were my creditor. I'm sorry. I just found out today that my father can come to my daughter's door to ask for cash at any time. Thank you for your advice. I just found out today." I smiled. His complexion changed like a neon light.I looked at the three or four inch thick banknotes in my hand.Throwing it out with a raised hand, the banknotes were scattered all over the study room, and the banknotes spun around in the room, and finally all fell on the floor. He glared at me. "When I was sixteen, my mother taught me: 'Daughter, if someone throws money at you, kneel down and pick it up one by one, it doesn't matter, a little self-esteem is nothing when it has to do with your food and clothing '." I walked out of the study and yelled, "Seeing off the guests." Ten minutes later I went back to the study, but the others left, and there was not a single banknote left on the ground.I looked behind the chairs, in the corner of the carpet, and there was not a single bill left, and he picked it all up. I was lying on the sofa, suddenly felt sad, and yelled, it was this man, he was irresponsible, unmotivated, spineless, tired, and hurt my mother and me.All for this man. Xu Cunzi told me after a few days: "At first, I wanted to say: 'Anyway, I have to pay, so I might as well make it more beautiful.' Later, thinking about it, it's easy to talk about, and I can't do it myself, so why bother to persuade you." "But he is still your father. Don't tell him to hate you. It's wrong to make him ashamed, but don't tell him to hate you." Xu Cunzi said. "I have a vacation, and I hope you can accompany me to Fort Medicau," he said. I am silent. "I have a castle for a princess," he said. I still don't answer. "Okay, if you're not happy, I won't force you," he sighed, "You really need to rest." I went to school, walked from classroom to classroom, to the lake, to the river.Dropping out of school is easier said than done. What was the purpose of my coming here?How can I quit school! Hold on.Why drop out?Concentrate on sitting at home as Xu Cunzi's little wife?The little wife has always been able to work part-time, and I'm already doing him a favor if I don't take money to make a fool of myself. My psychiatrist kept telling me: "Miss Jiang, everything is your hallucination, no one will shoot another person for no reason, you have been greatly stimulated...we all understand..." If this kind of doctor continues to look at it, I will really go crazy. I am standing by the river in a daze. Who would like to be covered by a soft aquatic plant at the bottom of the river?My hair has not been cut for a long time, if it falls in the river, it should also be floating like water plants. I wore the same pair of jeans for a whole month, I refused to shower automatically for a whole month, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown I asked myself: How is it possible that everyone else is so calm?Is everything really my illusion?Is everything that happened on the day of hunting the fox a fiction? I am confused. Simpson sleeps with me at night, she sits by the bed, lets me drink a little wine, and sees me lying helplessly until dawn, I spend my time thinking about my life, and carefully write down all the details that happened when I was a child . I said to Simpson, "If I die, you'll be the only one who misses me." Simpson's nose was sore and his voice was bitter, "Miss Jiang, Mr. Xu loves you very much." I nodded, "I understand that too, but I'm just afraid that he..." I didn't die, because trying to get off the drugs, I tried to labor during the day, running around the house ten times for no reason. Xu Cunzi moved the house for me. There is a private tennis court in the back garden. I can invite any classmates to play. What's wrong?I can afford it, so the room is lively again, and I suddenly understand why a certain kind of person likes to have a large group of friends around him.Maybe it's not for loneliness, maybe it's just for hoping to hear some voices. Like me, I don't even want to talk to them at all. I sit in a corner and let them listen to music, play chess, drink, and even flirt. Day after day, I spend my time numbly. This is how I treat myself, to be numb day after day, unable to see yesterday and tomorrow. I haven't done my homework for a long time, so Xu Cunzi found a trainee lawyer to be the gunman for me to deal with it for the time being.I don't take many notes in the law department, and I only take notes in the hall. I don't take it seriously anymore, because everything comes too easily. From this time on I drank a lot, I am not the kind of person who is alcoholic, but I often hold a glass of wine in my hand and get drunk, especially on weekends, full of guests, drinking and eating all night long, music until dawn, all for free , Famous far and near, many people come here for it, I almost never became the hostess of the salon, but I didn't have that kind of elegance, I just sat in a corner and drank alone, I didn't cut my hair or change my clothes. 一次一个金发女郎，穿着合时的衣饰，指着我怪叫：“这是谁？”脸上露出不屑的神色。 我只沉默地看她一眼。 辛普森太太冷冷地说：“小姐，如果你不喜欢她，我劝你迅速离去，因为她是这里的女主人。” 金发女郎讪讪地退开。不，她并不舍得离开，因为她在喝唐柏利侬的香槟，而那边的自助餐正在上鱼子酱与三文鱼。 我闷闷不乐，替我设了酒池肉林，我还是闷闷不乐。有时我挥挥手。他们就得立时三刻的全部离去，可是去了还会再来，每个周未，这里都有狂欢节日。 贪婪的人，吃完还带走，还顺手牵羊，浴间内的各式香水频频失踪。 辛普森肉刺得要死，他说：“姜小姐，不如到外面去请客，新家具都弄脏了，这群都是猪，而且对你也不安全。” 我说：“弄脏了自然有人买新的，你愁什么？” 可是我也腻了，派对终于停止。家具果然自上到下被全部换过，我与辛普森在装修期间搬到旅馆去。 踏进旅馆，我才感慨万千，从勖存姿接我来到如今，已经两个多年头，现在又近秋天。我早已归化英籍，那宗案子到今天，也有一年，早已不了了之。 照说应该忘记吧？应该的，从头到尾，勖存姿并没有碰过我第二次。而我呢，连他为我买下的堡垒都不肯去看一下。 但是我们之间的关系并没有破裂。 家明到旅馆来看过我一次，问候我。 "How are you?" “很好。”我淡然答。 每个人都巴不得我死，我死也不能死在这干人面前，我怎么能满足他们的欲望。 “你要振作起来——” “谁说我不振作？”我打断他。 他没有再说下去。 我问：“聪慧好吗？她在什么地方？” “回中国去了。”他低下头。 “什么？”我一怔，“回哪里了？”我听错了吧。 “回中国，”家明说，“她现在在北京。” “在北京？”我几乎没跳起来。 “是的。”家明背转身，“我们婚后没停过一日吵嘴，终于她又出发旅行，到了北京，不肯再回来，如今已经半年。” 半年。我不敢相信耳朵。 家明说：“北京现在的温度是摄氏零下三度，她愉快地写信来，说她手足都长了冻疮，可是她班上的孩子们都很乖——” “班上？”我瞠目结舌。 “她替初中生义务补习英文，很吃香，校方甚至会考虑聘她做正式教师。” “北京？”我喃喃地说。 “勖先生受的打击很大，聪慧的信用简笔字。”家明自西装外套里掏出信，问我：“你可有兴趣看？” 我不由自主地接过信来。 我没有见过聪慧的字，却是小粒小粒，非常漂亮，一律简体，抬头写“父亲大人”。 “父亲大人： “女在祖国，已找到人生真正的意义，以前认为金钱可以买得一切，可是母亲与聪恕何尝缺少金钱，却长远沉沦在痛苦中。来到祖国，寻到我们勖家祖先的出生地，走到珠子胡同，徘徊良久，寻到根与快乐的泉源，把脸与手紧贴在墙上，呼吸真正的生命，决定留下来。 “父亲请原谅我。不需要寄钱来。中国人唯有住在中国才能获得真正的幸福，水唯有归源大海才有归属，我寻到我要的一切，随着太阳起床，跟着太阳回家，把我所懂得的教给孩子们，心中没有其他念头，衣服自己洗，头发也自己洗，已学会煮饭烧菜。带来的两条牛仔裤非常有用，只是手脚都长了冻疮，经过治疗，不日将痊愈。 “日前往琉璃厂，翻到一套，惜贵甚，蹲在那里每日看一个回目，以前还没有需要，一切东西已排山倒海地倾至，一点儿真谛都没有。 “我正努力学好国文，祝你们好。苦海无边，及早回头。 女聪慧拜上” 我一边读信，脸上一定苍白如纸。聪慧！开黑豹跑车的聪慧！信封上的日子是五个多月前的。 我震惊地抬起头，我问：“聪慧住在什么地方？” Song Jiaming shook his head. “你是说你不知道？”我失声问。 “没有人知道。勖先生托人去找，中国大得无边无涯，他的势力又到不了那里，一直没有音讯。” “但是——”我喘气，“你们就由得她去。” “很明显地她快乐。”宋家明低声说，“她是个单纯的女孩子，或许她真的找到她要的一切了。” “你相信？” 他抬起头来，“为什么不？各人的兴趣是完全不同，”他说，“看你！你付出了多少！你怎么知道别人不当你是傻子！” I am stunned. “勖存姿失去了聪慧，他已是个老年人，受不住勖夫人日夜啼哭，精神很差，听说他身体也不好，现在由聪憩伴着勖夫人……” 我感慨至深，忽然之间想起里的曲子：一帆风雨路三千，把骨肉家园齐来抛闪，恐哭损残年，告爹娘休把儿悬念，自古穷通皆有定，离合岂无缘，从今分两地，各自保平安，奴去也，莫牵连。 我跑到书房，一顿乱翻，把这首曲子递给宋家明看，自己的眼泪已经流出来。 家明看着书那一面，整个人销魂落魄似的，良久才凄然说：“原来都是早已有的。” 半年不通音讯，由此可知她真是下了决心脱离勖家。 多么可笑，原是勖家的人，倒眼睁睁地把万事全抛。不是勖家的人，像我与宋家明，却千方百计地谋钻进勖家，不惜陪上灵魂兼肉体。 “聪慧失了踪，”宋家明说下去，“勖太太夜夜做梦，一忽儿看见聪慧向她讨鞋子，一忽儿看见聪慧蓬头垢面，她眼睛哭得红肿……” 可爱的聪慧，永远硬不起心肠的聪慧，一直咕咕笑的聪慧，纯真的聪慧。 我靠在沙发上，哭了一日。 再见到勖存姿，我自动要求陪他去苏格兰。 他只是点点头，笑应了。家明说他最近很多事都撤手不管。精神大不如前。我开始觉得他有老态；勖存姿也终于疲倦了。 麦都考堡在北海岸边的圣安得鲁，终年受劲风吹袭，高原绿草如茵，我们到的那一日，太阳尚和煦得很。 勖存姿有点儿高兴，他说：“你小时候读过'艾文豪'吧，华脱史葛爵士住过麦都考堡。” 我点点头，不由自主地搀扶着他。他把手按在我的手上。 绵羊成群成百地在我们身边经过，咩咩不绝。 麦都考堡远远在望。 我问：“绵羊也是我们的吗？” “是你的。”他说。 “什么时候盖的？”我问。 “一六二三到一七一六年，一九三○改建，部分房间由我装置了中央暖气，家具全经过翻新，我相信你会喜欢。” like?不不，并非我不懂得感恩，我要一座堡垒来做什么？我黯然。把母亲还给我，让我们重新为生活挣扎，也许我一辈子不能自剑桥毕业，但有什么关系呢？反正现在的生活不能满足我。什么也不必追求的生活根本不是生活。 我开始接触到聪慧的空虚，她的人生观。从一个大城市到另一个，处处锦衣，处处玉食，有什么意义？ 进了堡垒，我并没有公主的感觉，反而觉得“身外物”这三字异常清晰。男佣生起壁炉，厨子做好七道菜的晚餐。可是我不快乐，勖存姿也不快乐。 他说，“……失去聪慧，如果没有聪恕，我只剩你了……但是你不会跟我一辈子吧？” 我觉得他这话异常的不吉利。我说：“还有聪憩呢。” “聪憩……她又生了女儿，还打算生下去呢，我也没见过这般老派的年轻人，服帖了。聪憩自幼跟她亲生母亲，与我不接近。” “聪慧很幸福。”我说。 “幸福？”勖存姿感慨地说，“世上诸人，难道不以为我是最幸福的人？” “喝点酒？”我问。我手中拿着白兰地。 “你现在还吃药吗？” “不吃，只喝酒。”我说。 “多久没上课了？” 我失笑，“好久没去，我早已放弃。我还要做律师干吗，有多少律师可以赚得麦都考堡？” 融融炉火中，墙壁上挂着不少油画。我用半醉的眼睛眯着看一看，光与阴都像是伦勃朗。 我问：“真的还是假的？这里有七八幅呢，若是真的，湿度与气温都不对，画容易损坏。” “你若当它是真的，它便是真的。”勖存姿伸个懒腰。 然而这一切还是不能加给我快乐。 勖存姿说：“叫人来把火熄掉，我倦了。” 我拉拉唤人铃。 “明天我与你到别的房间去看看。”他仿佛很累，目光呆滞，还勉强地笑，“我替你买了一套首饰——” 我婉转地说：“我已经够多首饰了。” 他自口袋里取出黑丝绒的盒子，我礼貌地取过，“谢谢。” “取出来看看。”他命令。 是一串四方的红宝石，在炉火中闪着暗红的光。宝石不外总是红红绿绿，习惯以后，不过是一串串冰冷的石头。我顺手挂在脖子上。 “好看吗？”我问他。 “好看，你皮肤白。”他合上眼睛。 这个不幸的老年人，因为聪慧的失踪，他仿佛足老了十年，再也支撑不住。 他回房去睡，我坐在偏厅中把玩宝石项链。 后来我回房睡上一张铜床，豪华一如伊利莎白女皇。半夜听见重物堕地声，直接的感觉便是勖存姿出了毛病，奔到他房间去，看见他倒在地上，脸上已变青白。 我连忙把他带着的随身药物喂他，召来佣人，佣人以电话报警。 我们并没有再回麦都考堡。我在医院陪他直到他再次度过危险期。这次我镇静得多。 我问医生：“他还能挨上几次？” “几次？”医生反问，“这次都是自鬼门关里把他抢回来的，小姐，心脏病人永远没有第二次。” 宋家明还是赶来了，勖家实在少不掉这个人。 他问：“当时你们在一间房里？” “并不如你想象中那么香艳秘诡。”我说，“我听到他摔在地上。” "Are you afraid?" “并不。”我说，“我已见过太多可怕的事，麻木了。勖夫人呢？请她来接勖先生回去，真的出了事，我担当不起。” “现在他并没有事，勖先生的生命力是特别强的。” “聪慧可有任何消息？” "No." 我低下头，说道：“为了可以再见聪慧一面，我愿意放弃她的父亲。” “你错了，你仍把自己看得太重要，”家明看我一眼，“聪慧现在或许比你想象中的快乐得多，你永远不会知道。” “我要看见才会相信。”我说道。 家明说：“我实实在在地告诉你，没有看见就相信的人有福了。” “你相信吗？” “我最近看《圣经》看得很熟，”他苍白地说，“自从聪慧走后，我一次又一次地问自己，我是否对得起她——” “她不会计较，聪慧的记性一向不好，她不是记仇的人，她品性谦和。” “你呢？”家明抬头问。 “我？我很懂得劝解自己，天大的事，我只当被疯狗咬了一口，既然不是人，跟谁理论去？” “我可不是狗，我是喜爱你的。”他低下头。 “但是你能够为我做什么？” 他抬起头，“我爱你不够吗？” “不够。”我说，“各人的需求不一样，你告诉聪慧说你爱她，已经足够，她不需要你再提供任何证明。但是我，我在骗子群中长大，我父亲便是全世界最大的骗子，我必须要记得保护自己，光是口头上的爱，那是不行的。” “没有爱，你能生活？” “我已经如此活了二十四年。”我惨笑，“我有过幻觉，我曾以为勖存姿爱我，然而我现在还是活得好好的。” “我告诉你是不可能的，你不相信，你老是以身试法，运气又不好。” “我运气不好？”我反问，“我现在什么都有，我的钱足够买任何东西，包括爱人与丈夫在内。” “可惜不是真的。真与假始终还有分别，你不能否认这一点，尤其是你这么感性的这么聪敏的人，真与假对你还是有分别的。你并不太快乐，我也不快乐，勖存姿也不快乐。” “我要离开苏格兰了。”我说道。 “你到什么地方去？巴哈马斯？百慕达？太阳能满足你？如果那些地方不能满足聪慧，更不能满足你。巴黎？罗马？日内瓦？你还能到什么地方去？” 我吞下一口唾沫。 我知道我想去哪里。到那间茅屋房子去，睡一觉，鼻子里嗅真烟斗香，巴哈的协奏曲，一个人的蓝眼珠内充满信心……我想回那里睡一觉，只是睡一觉，然后起床做苏芙喱。 “曾经一度，我请你与我一起离开勖家，你没答应，现在我自己决定离开了。” 我讽刺地笑，“你离开勖家？不可能。” 他并不再分辩。“你走吧，我留下来照顾勖先生最后一次。” “我当然会走的。”我冷笑。笑得自己背脊骨冷了起来。Walk?走到哪里去。我并没家。剑桥不再与我有任何关系。 我走到哪里去？世上只剩下我一个人。提着华丽的行李箱，箱子里载满皮裘，捏着一大把珠宝，然而我走到什么地方去？ 我认得的只剩下勖存姿以及勖家的人，我早已成为他们家的寄生草，为他们活，为他们恨，离开他们，我再也找不到自己，这两年多我已完全失去自己，我只是勖存姿买下来的一个女人。 Walk. 我踏出医院，口袋里只有几外便士铜板，勖存姿的司机见到我，早已把丹姆拉驶过来。自从我在伦敦第一次踏上这部车子，我已经注定要被驯养熟，像人家养了八哥，先把翅膀上的羽毛剪过，以后再也飞不掉。 走到什么地方去？ “回剑桥。”我说。 司机很为难，“姜小姐，从这里回剑桥要七八小时的车程呢。” “我该怎么办？”我问。 “旁人多数是搭火车或飞机——姜小姐，不如我叫辛普森太太来接你，你略等一些时间。” “不，借些钱给我，我搭火车下去。” “但姜小姐，我恐怕勖先生会怪我。” “他不会的，他还在医院里。给我五十镑，我搭火车回剑桥。”我伸出手。 “姜小姐——” “我恳求你。” 他自口袋里拿出一叠镑纸，我抢过来——“加倍还你。把我驶到火车站去。” 司机驶我到车站。 我下车，买车票。“到剑桥。”我说。 “没有火车到剑桥，只到伦敦。” “好的，就到伦敦。”我付车资。 火车刚缓缓驶进车站，我买的是头等票，三十六磅。我发觉五十镑根本不够到剑桥。 我拉拉大衣，上车，只觉得肚饿，走到车头去买三文治与咖啡，我贪婪地吃着，把食物塞进嘴里，脑海里一片空白，我吃了很多，那种简陋粗糙的食物，是原始的要求。 吃完我回到车厢去睡，一歪头就困着了。 看见母亲的手拍打着玻璃窗：“喜宝、喜宝，你让我进来，你让我进来。” 我大叫，挣扎。 母亲看上去又美丽又恐怖又年轻，我开了窗，风呜呜地吹，忽然我看到的不是母亲，而是我自己。 她在说：“让我进来。”抓住我的手，一边喘息，“喜宝，让我进来。” 我挣脱她，冷冷地说，“我不认得你。” “不，喜宝，我就是你，你就是我，喜宝，让我进来。” "Miss." I open my eyes. “查票，小姐。” 我抹掉额上的汗，自口袋里掏出票子递过去，稽查员剪完票还我。 坐在我对面的是一个老太太与一个小女孩子。女孩子十六七岁，正是洋妞最美丽的时候，一头苏格兰红发，嘴角一颗蓝痔，碧绿限珠，脸上都是雀斑，一双眼睛似开似闭，像是盹着了，又不似，嘴角带着笑，胸脯随火车的节奏微微震荡，看得人一阵一阵酥麻。我知道这是什么，这是青春。若是我是个已经老去的男人，我也会把她这样的青春买下来。 我惊惶地想：这是我。三年前初见勖存姿，我就是这个样子，如今我已是残花败柳。 残花。 败柳。 我低下了头。 那位老太太一路微笑一路说：“……美丽的项链……” 我一身是汗，火车中的暖气著名过分。火车隆隆开出，开到永恒，而我没有一处地方可去。 如果我去香港，用勖存姿的钱买座房子，安顿下来，或者可以有个家。可是我到什么地方去找工作？我并没有文凭，我只懂得寄生在男人身上。反正是干这一行，还没哪个老板比勖存姿更胜一筹？ 算来算去，我并没有第二条路可以走。