Chapter 26 part four i have broken a glass glass glass

Part IV I have broken a glass glass glass (1) i broke a glass I broke a glass once as a child. Fortunately, my mother went to work at that time. I got under the table and collected all the pieces. Then I borrowed a bottle of paste from my neighbor's house, and pieced together the picked pieces into the original shape bit by bit. Fortunately, the glass cup is patterned, which makes it easier to fight. Common sense tells us that the paste will not stick to the cup. Fortunately, my panic moved the heavens. With the help of another layer of newspaper wrapped outside, I insisted on using paste to restore the glass fragments to the shape of the cup.

However, things always have unexpected gaps. It ended up being just a very, very small hole, a small fragment about 1mm in diameter, that could fill it. But I did not find the smallest fragment. I wrapped the cup and put it in the corner under the table.Even a broom can't sweep it. For a long time, I have been afraid that my mother would find the cup I broke. I dare not even look at that table. I even look forward to the day when the table is removed and the mush-up cup with a hole becomes a complete cup. But I knew that was impossible: it was not so much the influence of materialism as the blanket of an inborn and fatal sense of failure.

This kind of fear that one day the truth will be revealed has always been filled with me when I was a child. I didn't admit it to my mother because I was afraid that she would be angry.She would be very angry, scold me loudly, and beat me with a small stick.My worst fear is that she will kick me out of the house. And I'd be crying, crying, on my doorstep. Mother is an overly strict person.As a woman who works alone in a foreign country, she requires me to be responsible and polite.I said loudly to many people in the factory, aunt is good, uncle is good, but I hate this.I hated the rules and ended up getting used to them.

I'm always afraid of doing the wrong thing.I am cautious.I'm afraid that others will find out that I'm doing something wrong.So I always try to conform to any kind of norm.I have always had good grades.I obey the student rules.I am a triple good student.But it is always a habit to keep making mistakes.I keep covering up.I ended up being a pretty paranoid yet unprincipled bad guy.My principle is: I was wrong, I was wrong again, I broke the glass. This fear and cautiousness later cultivated in adolescence a strange morality and courage.I didn’t wear a skirt, I laughed like a boy, grinned, and fought for the people who were discriminated against in the factory, including: an albino girl, a mentally retarded boy, and a boy who was laughed at for wearing a floral dress.

The girl with albinism finally married a wealthy divorced man in his fifties because of her virginity; the boy who was ridiculed was finally admitted to Tsinghua University; When I was living in high school, my growth became self-willed due to excessive constraints.Fight against family, fight against school, do not do morning exercises, do not wear school badges, read novels in class, write passionate love poems that no one reads, go out to watch movies over the wall, and run away from home.In the end, I was admitted to university in a regular manner, and then went to graduate school with my doubtful talent and cuteness, and became a legend in small town factories and my alma mater—my resistance was actually insignificant under the shell of a good girl wearing glasses.I am still mainstream and moral.

Later, Su Qiqi, a girl who was studying for a Ph.D. in school, said: A girl like A Fei, her singing is moral, and her screaming is also moral. For a long time, I have always wanted to talk to Ah Liang, my boyfriend, about the broken cup, about the fear and worries that I don’t know are unnecessary and have always accompanied me growing up. But I have scruples, because I worry that such sentimentality will be suspected of being a female writer. So I don't know whether intentionally or not, I developed a verbal chattering and teasing ability, laughing at myself and others at any time, and making Ah Liang laugh at any time.As if this is also a way to cover yourself.

But when I relax and get alone with Ah Liang, I will suddenly become silent and expressionless. A Liang said later that he was sometimes afraid of me, but I don't know if that was what he was referring to. As I said earlier, Ah Liang is very busy.He works in IT.I like people who work in IT, because A Liang is in IT, and they are very busy, and they love their work purely and simply.It makes me proud of him.Because I am not only lazy, but also irresponsible.A Liang is my opposite.He is physically and mentally healthy.He is a good son, a good colleague, a good brother, and a good boyfriend.

A Liang has a slightly excessive show-off mentality, but decent.He talked about classical literature with my friend who studied classical literature, talked about the production of professional power amplifiers with music people, talked about metal music with my musicians, talked about Taekwondo with my classmates who took martial arts classes, and argued with my high school alumni about his and She who earns more money enthusiastically shows cooking skills for my friends.He has a passion that is laughable, and I am often ashamed of such self-boasting.But I still like him.In my opinion - this is his naivety.I stubbornly thought he was kind and simple, just like a child.

More importantly, I thought he loved me. Even in the long period of time he was away, I still tirelessly thought he loved me.I thought the performance was over at midnight, and the loud voice was still shaking my eardrums. I was wearing a long dark blue dress and running wildly on the road in a strange city, and there were still people waiting for me at home with lights on. That cup, the one hidden under the table, was already incomplete. Part IV I have broken a glass glass glass (2) Just as my mother wasn't the most eye-catching woman in the factory, I wasn't the most gorgeous girl.The point is, we all maintain this natural self-knowledge and humility, even clumsiness, all at the same time.My mother reminded me of my mistakes from an early age, scolded me with sternness and a stick, praised how obedient and polite those around me were, and scolded me for how ignorant and rude I was.She often said that it was because of your disobedience that you became like this-such words caused me to feel deeply guilty and inferior.It wasn't until later that my mother gradually lost her attitude of being a powerful woman, became blind and thus lost the shrewd mind that matched this society, and I realized that it was the only way for my mother to express her love.Ah, the mother who has not received a complete education has not learned how to convey love more tactfully and gracefully in the end. I am more willing to believe that in her heart, she is always extremely proud of her daughter who deliberately maintains the appearance of a top student.But because of inner shyness and inarticulateness, we don't know how to get along with the people we love the most, but express it in a violent way.Just as I keep complaining and blaming my boyfriend, I don't even know how to express my deep love and tenderness.The restraint, stinginess and willfulness of the small town in the south finally suffered a disastrous defeat in this healthy and healthy northern city.In the days when diseases are rampant, even though we have prepared a heart to share weal and woe, we have never been able to ask the question "Are you okay?"What's more, he's already shut down - the disease has eroded the communication network.

We always think that if we lose everything desperately, we can get it in the end.We always think that because we are humble and submissive by nature, we ask for little and get it in the end.However, the disease is like a ghost, the city gate is about to be closed, if the railway and civil aviation are closed, I will lose the only document that can prove my identity, we still cannot warm each other, go to each other-sorry, I am ashamed to mention that word up. In my impression, my mother rarely praised me, maybe she didn't think her daughter was beautiful either.Until I was in my twenties, and when I went home during the holidays, one morning, I casually stuffed my plump body into a brown-green dress, braided my long hair into a braid, and placed it carelessly on my head In the back, when she was about to go shopping, my mother was sitting on a small stool in the corridor, knocking her head on walnuts, and suddenly she raised her head: Hey, why is it so beautiful?

I was a little embarrassed, I dealt with it with my mouth, and went out.I guess it's because she hasn't seen me for a long time. I'm already at the age where a few passionate little boys cry for me.More importantly, struggling with one's own inferiority complex, developing a lonely, passionate, one-way Utopian spirit of love-leading to the waste of a lot of energy, and the birth of those secret long poems and ballads. I really think I look good because of Ah Liang.He came into my life suddenly, with an almost childlike innocence and stubbornness. I don't believe that anyone loves me, because I already know my blurred face and overly hesitant nature.Ah Liang's appearance was a bit arrogant, with a sense of gift to help each other when we met in a narrow road. He didn't know that he talked to me alone as a boss, encouraged me to persist in my work and the band, and confidently told me that the sky would When the pie was dropped, I had already started to panic, staring at the metal nameplate on his jacket in a daze, ready to run away at any time. Yes, Ah Liang is like a godsend, with a confident smile and radiance all over his body. Even his old blue windbreaker has added a lot of strength to him.A person who has suffered from barren youth and indescribable passion in his heart for a long time, a person who is always at a loss, finally stretched out his hand and grabbed the straw of life - that was the first time, I thank God, thank him for giving me a long life My patience is rewarded: a person who truly loves me, a dependable and trustworthy person, a brother, a relative. But why do we believe in this innate feeling that is created out of nothing?I have proof.In other words, I am completely confused by the illusion of life.I'm totally bought off by this extra boon.I broke out in a cold sweat, feeling lucky that I was in private.Look at me: the face is blurred and dull, with a mixture of excessive sensitivity and dullness.Look at me, I am so inferior, no one has ever really paid attention to the flow of my eyes.You see him, the best boy I could have hoped for: He fell in love with me as soon as he heard my singing, no matter how harsh and rough it was.He didn't care about my ins and outs (the fact that I came from an innocent family, cautious, good at faking and gentle smiles. In fact, he had read my poems and heard my ballad demos before he knew me), and in just a few hours In this day, time has undergone a surreal and dreamy change, and he is determined to love this girl who has never been surrounded by suitors.He was so determined, there was no doubt about it.He took me to college reunions, took me home to visit his parents, and even bought me Olay body wash and Duol capsules - he was eager to cure my pale complexion!He said he loves me.That's enough, that's the proof.Evidence of illusion, evidence of wishful thinking.One thinks he loves himself, one thinks he is loved, one is a pure person who has not tried emotional setbacks, and the other is a weak person who has suffered too much. Destiny, in fact, justifies one's own weakness, laziness, blind following and exhaustion. How did the weather in the south develop a hidden disease in us?How does it breed and how does it lurk?When does it happen?There is no way to pursue it. Seventies people have seventies morals.I was born in the late seventies.But my morality has a clear sense of lag, with the traces of that era, that is, the obvious color of abstinence.And this kind of ascetic color and inner desire constitute a conflict, making simple people complicated.It makes me not always easy to be trusted.People like us always have low self-esteem because of poverty, and excessive self-esteem because of low self-esteem, but for the sake of those we love, we would rather give up our dignity.There are always excessive desires, and for the purity of my own ideals, I would rather kill the desires. Part IV I have broken a glass glass glass (3) What conceals the surly desires dormant in us?I've always had dry skin in the north, and if I can measure it, I'd like to kiss once or twice a day, cuddle two or three times a day, and have sex two or three times a week.If we are overly stingy with affection, we can bargain and reduce the frequency.Let's sign a contract saying that no matter what the situation is, we will never give up and never betray.It is our criterion to help each other, whether it is Confucianism, Taoism or Christianity. Frustration led me to the web.Like in real life, I was not familiar with the paths and station names, nor did I enter any chat rooms.The green demon said, I wasted my talent and energy without restraint.But Miss Green Demon, isn't my talent full of doubts?I am in college, but I can't write a so-called academic paper that meets the wishes of my tutor; I am known as a big wave beauty, but I can't keep up with the newspaper columns; I think I am the lead singer of a somewhat different band, but my album can't always be seen I spent almost all my energy on despair and longing, but no one saw the person who sang with me; I thought I was loyal to friendship, but I forgot to contact all my friends-because of excessive haste.I began to become a child involuntarily, begging my mother not to drive me out of the house, I just kept crying and refused to leave for a long time. I only speak to strangers.intermittently.Because there is no room for excess feelings.My enthusiasm and untimely loyalty have lost their weight-bearing carrier.I forced the pretty little Giggle to chat with me.Write a letter of longing for the boyfriend who has gone away.Letters never answered.When did the skin gradually lose its smoothness, the complexion became darker, and the fat began to grow.Due to the long-term crying, the corners of the eyes drooped a little, appearing depressed and decadent.The only thing that can be thankful is that there are no lines in the corners of the eyes.But this can no longer hide the loss of youth from the fingers, the waste of time.Every woman will be defeated by time, this time I am afraid it will be my turn.I haven't learned how to wink at a man, and I will grow old when I learn the tricks and sophistication that a woman should have!Life is embarrassing, forcing silence, and it's too late to be afraid! "The dresses are for my dates. I have saved them for a year. My dresses are very common, because the clothes are all on sale, and they don't always match the fashion. Fortunately, they all fit. Floral skirts It is a white base, and big red flowers are like splashing ink all over it. There are big ones, I really like such big flowers. I only wear skirts, all summer and autumn. My behavior is that I can’t walk. Waving hands, eyes looking down, trying to hide sadness. Easy to rejoice. I was shy, used to. Then got used to singing. It took me a long time to convince myself to sing in public. No one looked at me, including when I sang. I always I can't see people. Really, I've been looking for people I can't see. I sing really well. Maybe they don't like it, but they don't care. My voice has its own characteristics, you You know? My hapless producer who was forced to return to China loved my voice, and the people I love. I can speak Cantonese! I have spoken Cantonese since I was a child. I also sang Cantonese opera and used "Emperor" in the band The joke of Female Flower - the princess of the declining dynasty who took poison and died for love, in a sense, I am really a genius. I only know how to love one. In order to avoid the cold, I resolutely walked in a sunny place. I never dreamed Happiness. I am a zero in Zhongguancun, developing an unhealthy intermittent love. I just feel that I should have a home with a lot of bowls and cabinets. It is the most important to have a lover. He Maybe silent. His expression is gentle and reassuring. I always feel like I can reach out to him as soon as I wake up. I like to sleep, I like to sleep and not dream, I like to like someone and then say nothing. I I like to travel, but I don’t go because I don’t have a lot of money. I’m a slow person. It’s slow to love someone, and it’s also slow to not love someone. Always love too much, love inappropriately, lose principles, and be desperate. I I envy pure morality. So decisive, judgmental, love and dislike, so clear. I can't. I have to repeat, hesitate, stay away, miss, resent, and even attempt to betray. We have to prepare for a long time , for the next trip or, for the sudden turn of events. Or for the sounds, to catch them." I spoke intermittently whether people listened or not.It was typed out with the keyboard, and it jumped out sentence by sentence.The profile picture on that QQ jumps up and down. This long short sentence destroyed my original long and dense long sentence.I was in the library when I wrote long sentences.A kind of rigorous thinking firmly grasped me.I looked up and saw the high and broad dome—what an admirable lighting structure, a large expanse of light pouring down generously from the sky, evenly filling the hall.I've always thought about how tall and huge those Western-style domes are, and they're never going to come down on me, are they? A year and a half after Ah Liang left me, when I called him, he asked me to go to China Merchants Bank to apply for an all-in-one card. He could transfer hundreds of dollars to the account every month from the Internet for two consecutive years.I calculated, if it is 300 yuan per month, it is 3,600 yuan a year, and 7,200 yuan for two years. I decided to accept these contemptuous gifts anyway.I decided to take whatever he gave, even if it was just the shame—it's common for kind people to dishonor others with kindness.I can save the money and turn it into a dress or a musical instrument, or the tableware of my future residence, into anything I can see, the love he gave me. I took the risk of SARS by car to the China Merchants Bank that I could find, and sat in a chair to line up.A card may be the only relationship I have with him in the future, and I am ready to accept it all with tears in my eyes.When it was my turn, I found that my ID card was lost at some point, and I couldn't get any bank card.I can't stand up and quickly evacuate this disease-spreading city!Everything was preordained, and it was too late—except being imprisoned and waiting to die. At this time, I thought of the already broken cup that I hid in the dark.