Chapter 26 Section 12

38 The weather is getting warmer and warmer, the willow branches have sprouted buds, the spring breeze blows, and the willows sway with the wind.Some unknown birds perched on the trees on the campus and chirped.I vaguely felt a powerful energy surging in my body, waiting for an opportunity to erupt. Every day at noon, Zhou Zhou and I would go to the classroom to sit alone for a while after eating.I was the only one in the empty classroom, and the midday sun shone in through the window and sprinkled on my body and face, making me feel warm all over.Sometimes, I will close my eyes and sleep on the table for a while; sometimes, I will copy the homework due in the afternoon; sometimes, I will put on headphones and listen to music for a while; Just enjoy a moment of peace and just sit there blankly.

Since getting back together with Zhou Zhou, I no longer have the depression of unrequited youth, but I still feel lonely from time to time. In many cases, I want to stay away from the crowd, leave the noisy city, and go to a remote and desolate place. 39 On my twenty-second birthday, Zhou Zhou, my classmates and I celebrated in a restaurant outside the school.During the dinner, people kept clinking glasses with me, congratulating me on my happy birthday.In the singing of "Happy Birthday", Yang Yang brought up a birthday cake with 22 brightly colored candles inserted in the snow-white cream, shining brilliantly. I don't know if they can illuminate my journey after the age of 22.Suddenly, an inexplicable sadness surged up in my heart. The 22 springs and autumns that belonged to me will pass away quietly with the extinguishing of the candles. Looking back on these 22 years, I am still the same as when I came to the world naked, What have I done and what have I gained in these twenty-two years?I still seem to be living without accomplishing anything.

Twenty-two years is so short. I did drink too much that day, and vomited more than once. After vomiting, I ignored everyone's obstruction, and took up the glass as if nothing had happened.Although I drank a lot of alcohol, I remained sane. From the moment I blew out the birthday candles, I began to tell myself repeatedly that I could no longer live in such a muddle-headed way. Back in the dormitory, I lay on the bed and thought, twenty-two years old means that I am no longer a hazy teenager, and I should end my carefree life. Twenty-two years old is a cruel concept for me.From now on, whenever my parents talk about me to others, they will say: "My son is already in his twenties." Faced with such a scene, I always feel ashamed.People in their twenties should always achieve something, but I have nothing.

Gu Cheng, who was in his twenties, already wrote poems like "The night gave me black eyes, but I was destined to use them to find light"; Flying over; one of my distant cousins ​​from other places, in his twenties, already has a son and a daughter.These people and their stories are like milestones on the road ahead of me in my twenties, making me run like hell. When I was a teenager, I had many idols. I would always compare my age with them. When the difference between their age and my age at that time was a large number, I would feel at ease that, After all, they are much older than me, so their fame and achievements and my obscurity are reasonable; when the age difference is getting smaller and smaller, and it will approach zero or even become a negative number, I will start to sit and lie. Anxiety, sorrow surged in my heart.

Just this night.I began to feel that life was not easy. 41 The only thing that can free me from the void is exercise.Every night, after I send Zhou Zhou back to the dormitory, I will go for a run on the playground.The school playground has laid a plastic runway and planted turf this semester. In order to prevent people from sabotaging activities, the teacher on duty in the sports team put a big iron lock on the gate to the playground, but this did not stop me from feeling empty and depressed. With an unusually strong desire to run, I'd knock through the door. It's mid-May, and the weather isn't hot, but I'll sweat profusely from running until I'm exhausted.Only in this way can I feel better and vent out the depression accumulated in my heart; only if I make myself tired can I fall asleep in the middle of the night, but the next morning, the emptiness and depression return in my body, put me in pain again.

Every night, I had to run like crazy around the track, giving my all and holding nothing back.Unhappy emotions will be discharged along the pores with sweat in laps of running.After running for a dozen laps, I would take off my clothes, lie on the turf with my upper body naked and look up at the night sky.The cold turf was pressed under my body, stinging my skin faintly, the sweat flowed down my body, and then penetrated into the soil along the grass stems, melting into one with the earth.The dark night sky was silent, I could only hear my heart beating non-stop, as if I was the only one in the world.At this moment, my heart is surging.

I am very fond of running, especially long-distance running.When I was in middle school, I was the school's 800-meter and 1,500-meter champion. No one in the school, including the physical education teacher, could run faster than me.I won a lot of medals for the school in the district and city sports games. Because of me, the school was named the traditional middle-distance running sports school in Beijing.Before the college entrance examination, I strictly demanded myself at the level of a national second-level athlete, and ran around the streets and alleys of Beijing every morning. If I reached this standard, I would get two more points in the college entrance examination than others. Great advantage.It turned out I did.At this time, running was regarded as a shortcut to enter the university campus by me who was eager to go to college.

Now, I am still running tirelessly, but now I am running to get rid of the depression of going to college.If I had known that college was so depressing, I would never have practiced hard before the college entrance examination. The running before college caused me to still need to run after college (if I hadn't practiced hard, I wouldn't have reached the national level. At the level of a second-level athlete, I will not get 20 extra points. It is very likely that I will fail the college entrance examination because of this, and I will not have the depression of going to college, let alone run to get rid of the depression).

My middle school run happened in the early morning, and it was a run toward hope; my college run happened at night, and it was a run after my hope was shattered. Every time I run, it is carried out quietly in the dark. The teacher on duty does not know that there will be a student who will never be absent on the track every night.Once, I was running helplessly around the track with my shirt off, and I vented my depressed emotions by shouting at the sky from time to time. The teacher on duty came after hearing the news. Often I lay down on the ground in a hurry, my heart pressed against the ground and beat faster, I arched my body slightly, lest the beating of the heart would spread to the feet of the teacher on duty through the medium of the ground in the form of waves, lest he follow the vines and find wave source.The flashlight dangled in his hand like a searchlight, and finally stopped beside me, and he found me.I lay motionless on the ground, hoping that he would treat me as a pile of debris on the ground, but he slowly walked towards me.At this moment, I don't know what I should do next, whether I will still lie on the ground motionless and continue to be a pile of sundries, or I will jump up and run away with my life, but there is only one way out here—turning out through the iron gate .But this will prolong my escape time, and the teacher may catch up with me one step at a time, and take me down when I climbed the iron gate, and I will be punished more severely for absconding in fear of crime.Just as I was hesitating on the runway, the teacher's leather shoes had appeared in front of my eyes, and my hesitation led to the arrest.

"What are you doing here?" The teacher asked angrily, and the strong flashlight hit my face, making me unable to open my eyes. I covered my eyes with my hands, got up from the ground and said, "Nothing." "Nothing, why are you here?" "I'll lie down here for a while." "Lie down?" the teacher asked suspiciously. "Yes! I'm sleepy, just sleep here for a while." "Did you come in through the door! Do you know that this is a violation of school discipline!" "I didn't jump in." "Then how did you get in?"

"Come in." "Walking in? How is this possible? The door is locked, where did you walk in from?" "I came in before the door was locked. I fell asleep when the door was locked, and I was locked inside." "I heard someone shouting just now, is it you?" "Maybe, I had a nightmare just now. I dreamed that I was wrapped around my neck by a big poisonous snake, and I couldn't breathe, so I yelled a few times." "Aren't you cold when you sleep naked?" the teacher asked when he saw that I was topless. "It's okay, I've been a little bit angry recently, and my internal fire is attacking my heart." "Go back to the dormitory early if you have nothing to do, don't mess around here." "Well, goodbye, teacher." "Don't see you again, I don't want to see you again tomorrow!" The teacher opened the door and let me out. 42 As the days went by and the weather got hotter, my anguish deepened. It was a muggy evening with no wind.The sun has gone down, but I'm still distracted by the hot air wafting around me.Tomorrow we will have an exam for an examination class. The students in the dormitory have already gone to the classroom to review one after another, but I am lying on the bed without any intention of reading. It was quiet in the dormitory. I looked around and found that everything around me seemed so strange and cruel in my eyes. I was imprisoned in a world that made me feel at a loss. Many things bound my hands and feet firmly like shackles. Let me struggle hysterically but to no avail. When I was a child, I liked to see the colorful soap bubbles blooming in the sun. Under the blue sky, I looked up and watched them roll and rise slowly.They will suddenly burst in the process of rising, turning into countless tiny droplets and landing on my face. The ones that fall into my mouth have some bitter taste, and those that fall into my eyes will cause me stinging pain. Tears can heal.When I was a child, I could use tears to solve problems, but now I can't. Tears not only can't heal my pain, but will make me weak when facing reality. Suddenly, I had the idea of ​​leaving school.At this moment, the thought was so strong. I called and told my dad about this decision. He could hear the pain in my words and the disgust of my current life. He said let me think about it for a night, and he will come to school tomorrow to have an open talk with me. . At night, I came to the roof alone. A gust of wind passed through the sultry sky, which made me feel a little cool. The distant sky was covered with dark clouds, covering the other end of the city. A bolt of lightning flashed across the sky, followed by a rumbling The rumble of thunder sounded muffled. I lit a cigarette and stared into the distance, suddenly there was a flash of lightning, and the tall buildings in the forest looked eerie for a moment when they were illuminated.Another lightning flashed, and thick raindrops fell one after another, hitting my head and body. The slight pain made me feel that the rainstorm was coming fiercely, so I walked a few steps back to the dormitory. There was a thunderstorm outside the window, and the people in the dormitory had already gone to bed early for tomorrow's exam.I lay flat on my back on the bed, staring up motionless.The rain outside the window is still falling, I don't know what kind of weather it will be tomorrow.