Chapter 45 44

It's New Years in a blink of an eye. In the short period of more than a month after Xiao Zhuo's death, Jing tortured herself badly.The binge-eating and vomiting recurred, and it was never as severe.When she thought of Xiao Zhuo again, she felt her heart was hollowed out.Her twenty years seemed to have done nothing, hadn't lived.She started stuffing herself with copious amounts of food.However, her stomach is already very bad, so much food can't be digested at all, and she will feel very uncomfortable after eating, so she can only use the method of vomiting to make herself more comfortable.She started a cycle of eating, throwing up, throwing up, and binge eating.On the one hand, Shen He wanted to take care of Xiaozhuo's funeral for Jing, and on the other hand, he wanted to take care of Jing.

Jing already has various symptoms of a binge eating disorder patient.Needless to say, her face was puffy and swollen, and her body had also gained a lot of weight.The corners of her mouth and chin were covered with pimples—the stomach acid from her vomiting had eaten away at the corners of her lips.There was a scratch on the back of her hand, where she scratched her throat too hard.Shen He had checked the information and knew a little about the horror and stubbornness of bulimia.Bulimia is actually a type of depression. It is a circle that is difficult to get out of if you enter it.People will continue to consume themselves in this cycle, stomach acid will also corrode teeth, and teeth will slowly fall out.The function of the stomach will become worse and worse, and the esophagus will also bleed.Before Xiaozhuo's incident happened, Jing had basically given up the bad habit of overeating and vomiting, and Shen He had been observing carefully to prevent her from relapse.

It snowed heavily on New Year's Eve.Shen He put Jing on thick clothes and led her out to watch the fireworks.The children have already occupied the central square of the park. They are very brave and tireless, and the whole sky is filled with them. Impossible, Jing thought to herself.She hated those fireworks and closed her eyes in pain. Don't despair, I will accompany you, and your illness will definitely be cured.Shen He hugged her and covered her eyes for her. Jing said softly: I think Cong Wei and I are getting more and more alike.I began to hallucinate, and there was the sound of Xiao Zhuo going up the stairs in my ears—well, you don’t know, in our former home, the stairs were very narrow, as if they were hollow, and they were very loud when stepped on. I bought Xiao Zhuo’s shoes Yes, the sneakers are very heavy. Xiao Zhuo came back from school and was carrying a big schoolbag. He was very tired, and when he walked on the stairs, he would make a loud noise... I could tell the difference.

Shen He patted Jing's back, tightened his arms again, and buried Jing deeper.But Jing broke free again and said: I not only hallucinate, but also have a desire to destroy, I feel that I want to hurt Xiaoyan, I really want to grab her arm and shake her shoulder... you know, Shen He , That day I saw her lying down in the snow and crawling towards me outside the hospital, I felt a kind of pleasure in my heart, and I felt a kind of satisfaction... Shen He comforted her and said: You are different from Cong Wei, you see, you all know that it is an auditory hallucination, it is unreal, and you also know how to control yourself not to hurt others.

Yes I know the voices are all fake.But that might be worse.Because I knew it was fake, and I didn't want to lose that voice.I don't hurt Xiaoyan, but I will vent my anger and hurt others.Shen He, you are very dangerous.Shen He hugged her and said in a hoarse voice: I used to plan to walk with you only for a short distance, then I knew you were dangerous.But before I knew it, I had changed my mind.I decided to just go all the way, and from then on, I didn't feel any danger anymore. Shen He moved in to live with Jing, taking care of Jing inseparably.They played games together as usual, and the two of them sat in front of the TV to pass the level, both sweating.But only Shen He swayed and yelled, Jing seemed to be fixed in his seat, motionless and lost his mind.Shen He called her softly, and she slowly came back to her senses, and asked Shen He: Is it time to eat again?

Shen He has learned to cook, and his soup cooking skills are excellent.But every time Jing is very mechanical no matter what she eats, it doesn't make any difference to her, and she can't control it, so she keeps eating.Then she started throwing up.If Shen He stopped her, she would beat Shen He desperately, and said as if she had seen everything through: You send me to Cong Wei's nursing home, I found myself crazy.Shen He, don't deny it, I am indeed crazy, I know. Shen He said sadly: I can understand that you are sad, but why did you give up everything?Without him, is there nothing in this world that makes you nostalgic?

Jing shook her head and smiled slightly: You don't know, Shen He, one, two, three... will all go.It was all a waste in the end.I saw. Shen He said: You are afraid and don't want to get up, but you have to blame others. Why do you want to control me, who wants you to pity me.I don't love you, I love Xiaozhuo!Jing suddenly yelled, breaking away from Shen He was about to run out the door. Although Shen He was prepared to deal with all kinds of troubles, he still couldn't stand Jing's hurtful words.He let go of Jing bitterly, and said angrily: Well, I don't care about you anymore, you can do whatever you want!

Jing Teng rushed out the door. The hungry ghost in his body took control of Jing again.She bought a lot of messy snacks in the supermarket downstairs, and carried them to the counter.Then drop the money and leave.She looked flustered, and when she passed a small snack shop, she suddenly saw loose dark chocolate in a glass lattice cabinet.She was like a fish pierced by a harpoon, suddenly in pain, but still staring at the window.She went in to buy that chocolate and bought almost all the loose chocolates left.Holding her in her arms, she walked through the path downstairs until she reached the gate of the community.She wanted to stop a car and go to the mountain to see Lu Yihan and Xiaozhuo.Now her relatives are sleeping there, and that is her home.But she hadn't seen a taxi passing by for a long time, so she tremblingly took out the chocolate and ate it.In the severe winter, the weather is so cold, the chocolate that has been kept outside is frozen like a small stone.She put it in her mouth, but it just felt hard.But she still couldn't slow down, smashed it carelessly, and swallowed it.As soon as she tasted the chocolate, the tears came again.All along, there are so many taboos in life, she hasn't eaten chocolate for many years, and her understanding of this kind of food is still limited to the ones Xiao Zhuo bought for her a few years ago.So as soon as she ate chocolate, she could vividly remember the days with Xiao Zhuo.It was love for so many years, how could it disappear in a blink of an eye, and never come back.She felt a tear in her heart when she thought about it.She kept pushing hard chocolate into her mouth.The shards of chocolate sliced ​​through her upper jaw like sharp stones.She just felt that the blood had mixed into the chocolate, and the bitter and fishy smell filled her mouth.

The Jing that Shen He saw was like a small beast that had strayed into the hunting area by mistake, eating hard and cold food sadly, which made people feel as sad as if winter would never end.Shen He chased her downstairs and followed her from a distance to the gate.He still can't ignore it.If he didn't care, he shouldn't have followed Jing out at Lin Miaoyi's celebration party on Taoli Street that day; if he didn't care, he shouldn't have let her live in his house and let her recuperate; Encouraging her to continue writing and building up her self-confidence gave her a taste of success; if he didn't care, he shouldn't have known that Jing was a dangerous woman full of destructive abilities, but he walked with her for a while, and finally couldn't do it anymore. lay down.Time cannot be returned, and these things that have been done seem to have been

How can one turn a blind eye to a tree stump that has been driven down deeply.Shen He stepped forward and snatched the paper bag containing chocolate from her hand.Then he hugged Jing in his arms. Jing cried on his shoulder, she looked so weak.She buried her head deeply in Shen He's arms, weeping wantonly, her mouthful of chocolate shavings rubbed against his woolen coat.Jing wished so much that time would go backwards, and the man in front of him had always been there, without so many scars and hardships.How nice that would be. It will get better, it will definitely work.Shen He seemed to be speaking to Jing, but also to himself.He ruthlessly threw away the bag of chocolates in his hand.Those small black stones spread out on the snow-covered road. Jing saw that when he was a teenager, he and Xiao Zhuo held hands and ran to buy chocolates. Coins fell out of their pockets, like a mark.They said that in this way, they can find their way back like a little brother lost in the forest in a fairy tale.