Chapter 38 36．her voice

I bid farewell to all who I thought I would never leave.I really followed Xiaojiezi.After leaving Li city, he did not return to Luo city.No contact with anyone, parents, Ji Yan, Tang Xiao, plumber.School started, and I didn't go back to class.Like a bunch of paper flowers, I was burned at Xiao Mu's funeral, and they never found me again. Standing on the platform of Licheng.I remembered that when I was thinking about Ji Yan, I ran here and sat there dreaming.It turned out that he didn't expect to wait for him in the end.He also gave me a ring that day that I still wear on my finger.But that doesn't mean anything.

It is already autumn.The leaves of the sycamore trees fell on the side of the platform.There was a rustling sound in the autumn wind, and there was nothing in the sky.I used to always love autumn.I like to sketch in autumn, and I can always see something that moves me, so I try to keep them on my canvas.However, this year, I suddenly grew up a lot.He didn't like autumn at all.In fact, it is more than autumn.Everything is meaningless to me.I feel all the fluid, throbbing things in my body slowing down, slower and slower, and I know they will eventually stop.Like a creaking spinning wheel, it finally came to an abrupt stop in an attic full of cobwebs at dusk.That day should be coming soon.

We stepped on the fallen leaves and boarded the train to a strange town, and lived what Xiaojiezi called a "new" life. Valley City's train station is small.The whole city is also very small.There are only a few roads to come and go.It can be said that Gucheng is a newly built city because of oil exploitation, and most of the strong men here work in the oil fields not far away.Xiaojiezi said to me: "Are you afraid you won't be able to survive here? At worst, I'll become an oil extraction worker." But I know he won't do that, the only state he can adapt to is doing nothing.I'm not Xiao Mu, I'll never believe his bold words.We ended up renting a very small room with the money I had left.It was a very dilapidated and dangerous building with only three floors, and the corridor was full of coals, beer bottles and other sundries.Opposite us lived a very fat woman. She opened the door a crack when she heard the noise, and watched us move some second-hand furniture we bought into the house quietly.

I still make it look like a little home.Made a dark red gingham slipcover set for an old sofa.Tonal tablecloth and bedspread.The curtains are starry blue, with a few small flowers without roots.There is also a small black-and-white TV set on the glass coffee table, because it is so small that it suits the house.I also cleaned up the kitchen and started cooking porridge on the gas stove over a slow fire. It's already the third day after finishing all this.Xiao Jiezi feels very new about Gu Cheng, and he has been wandering around every day under the pretext of going out to find a job. This is the evening of the third day.I prepared a table of meals very early.Xiaojiezi hasn't come back yet.I stood alone in the center of the room, looking around this cozy hut.This is my first and only little home of my own in my entire life.Like all ordinary women, I have fantasized about my little home countless times in these days of growing up.It must have a semi-circular balcony, a sunny studio, and bookshelves on three walls filled with expensive and rare picture albums.It should be a good wooden floor, walk on it with bare feet, and look at the curtains that are blown up and down by the wind, and there is a cold calla lily in a glass vase with a long neck.That was what my dream home was like, and it will never be.Life is ridiculous.When I was walking on my university campus with my drawing board on my back, worrying about some insignificant things, how could I have thought that one day in the future, I would be thrown away with the person I hate the most in the world? All the former things eloped away.How could I have imagined that I would rent a small house of more than 20 square meters in an oil city that I didn't know before, and start cooking with daily necessities?

I leaned against the window sill and saw the sunset.Another day is coming.In the past few days, I have often dreamed of Xiao Mu.I feel that she is still around me.Live in every inch of air around me.When I go to sleep, I have a strong feeling that she is not walking away, but watching me from close up.She doesn't talk to me, just looks at me with a smile.What a sad smile, her narrow cheeks, her pale purple lips.Every time I wake up from the dream, I wash my face with tears.I think of Ji Yan during the day.I think he and Tang Xiao should have returned to school by now.Their lovely band should be rehearsing again.Ji Yan is still the most noble drummer.Tang Xiaohui is the most beautiful female lead singer.How wonderful it would be for them to be on stage together.In such a perfect life, would he occasionally think of the girl who had brought him so much pain?Will he guess her whereabouts and worry about her safety?

I leaned against the window sill, watching the sunset and the pedestrians below.They walked staggered, passed each other, and were always strangers. No one would know, nor would they care what kind of stories were in the arms of the people passing by.I think Ji Yan and I are also like this, it’s just that we passed each other for too long.In a pass that lasted more than ten years, we bumped into each other and hurt each other.Yet we will pass each other eventually.Ji Yan will never know what kind of story I am carrying. I finally saw Xiaojiezi pass by below.He was wearing the T-shirt and jeans we bought that day, hand-written pockets, and a thick black rope chain around his neck. He looked like a very heroic city boy.Who would know the heart that is constantly overflowing with poison under his radiant flesh.It must be a heart so black and festering.I closed my eyes and didn't want to look at him again.

We had dinner together.Celery, chicken and crucian carp soup.I also bought him a bottle of white wine.He was very happy, drank all the wine, and then sat on the sofa watching TV with a full belch.I sat on the other end of the sofa.Also watch TV.We didn't talk, "Mr. Bean" was playing on TV, and Xiao Jiezi laughed frequently.Gradually, he became sleepy and fell asleep reclined on the sofa. Seeing that he was fast asleep, I stood up, walked to the window, and closed the window.A few pigeons stopped outside the window, and when they sensed my approach, they fluttered their wings and flew into the sky.I looked at them, white with free wings, disappearing into the bottom line of the dark blue sky.I smell the fragrance of crabapple flowers outside, and the smoke from someone's cooking.So I greedily took a few more breaths of this mundane smell, then tightly closed the windows and drew the curtains.I went to the mirror again, and I looked at myself.Take a good look at yourself again.The girl in the mirror has dark circles around her eyes, deeply locked brows, and messy hair.She suddenly sighed and said to the girl in the mirror:

You see, you are old. She picked up the comb again and combed her hair well.Then she comforted the girl in the mirror as happily as she could, saying: Hey girl, don't be afraid, it will be over soon. Then I went to the kitchen and closed the window there.Finally, I turned on the gas switch.With a pungent gas smell coming, I went back to the sofa and lay down quietly... I don't know how long it took, my whole body was limp, and I didn't even have the strength to raise my arms.My head hurts as if it was sawn in the middle, as if there is an overwhelming nucleus that is expanding and expanding while crushing the things in my head.Every breath I took became so difficult, my lungs seemed to have been tightly bound by some rope, and became a slender one, which couldn't hold even the thin breath.The color of the body began to become darker and darker, and the face continued to swell and twitch.I told myself, don't struggle, soon this will be over, soon soon, it will be over.

I glanced at Xiaojiezi, he was still in an unconscious sleep, looking very peaceful.He can no longer do us any harm, Xiao Mu.He can no longer growl or swagger.This is the price he must pay.The thick black heart can stop beating, and those sinful blood can stop boiling. I lay flat there.Gently close your eyes, let your whole body be squeezed as if being placed in an air bag that is getting smaller and smaller.Breathing becomes more and more subtle.I spoke to myself softly in my heart to keep myself calm, and I told myself, don't be afraid, it will pass soon. Back to kindergarten again.I saw the girl when she was six or seven years old.She was wearing a pink skirt, shiny leather shoes, and braided hair.She put a handful of sweets in the pocket of her little skirt, so full it was bursting.So much sweetness.There was still unwiped milk on the corner of her mouth, and she rushed to the kindergarten.She walked through the gate and saw the shy hedgehog painted on it, and she smiled at the little hedgehog.She was thinking at that time, how beautiful this hedgehog is, and I will be a great painter in the future, painting on all the gates.Let Du Wanwan's paintings be on the door of every household.She was satisfied just thinking about it.She ran straight to the swing.See also swing.Once again, the blue swing is like a hairpin inserted into the clouds, it is the most flawless ornament in the sky.The boy Ji Yan stood quietly watching her dance happily in the sky.At that time he was still so small, with an inappropriately big head on his thin body.He sang a song for her.At that time, he thought that he would become the best musician in the future, perform in a big theater with octagonal glass lights, and all the people in the world would be his audience.

Then I saw Xiao Mu walking over.Her feet are still fine and she walks steadily.She also walked towards the swing.She was coming, I could feel it even without opening my eyes.She lives in my heart, far and near, happy and sad, I can feel all these.She stood there, and I could always feel a particularly bright light emanating from behind her. She was a child cared for by God.So she always has a kind of pleasant tranquility.she said to me: "I can't fly yet, but sooner or later, I will fly into the sky." Ji Yan and I nodded vigorously, we both believe that she is a pure little angel, and sooner or later, she will fly into the sky.

... I was lying on the floor of the room full of poisonous gas, my body was gradually becoming stiff.Again, tears welled up in my eyes.She finally flew into the sky, this time she will not fall again, will not be tortured or suffer again.They will hold her tightly and give her happiness that she does not enjoy in this world. It was a kindergarten in spring, the grass was still young buds, and the strong fragrance of lilacs was everywhere.We are all there.There are no grievances, no scars and breaks between us. I am so satisfied to finally be able to go back to my childhood kindergarten and be with them.I think I'm leaving.I don't know whether Xiaomu will come to pick me up to heaven, whether she will hold my hand and take me to fly. This is the moment, I'm leaving. But Xiao Mu suddenly spoke to me in my ear.She called to me in her usual softest voice: "Wan Wan." I have mixed feelings.I think she has finally come to take me.I say: "Are you here to take me away?" "No. You can't die. You have to live," she said firmly.I can't see her, she seems to be another consciousness in my head, talking to me so clearly. "I have lost the strength and courage to live. Let me go with you, don't leave me." I begged her. "You can't die. You have to live for me. You have to live instead of me. We are sisters with the same heart, and we are two flowers. Although I die, I will not be separated from the world because of you. In the world, you and I are closely connected, and I can still feel the things in the world." She said to me. "You mean you didn't leave?" I asked a little confused. "I haven't left, I won't leave, I've always lived in your body and in your mind. I cheer you up when you're down, and I'm happy with you when you're happy. I'm always here." She said infinitely tenderly Say. I couldn't say anything for a moment, but kept crying. She added: "Wanwan, I beg you, don't die. You and Xiaojiezi are the two people I love the most in this world. I often feel that I live for you. Even though Xiaojiezi has done many wrong and bad things, I Still can't hate him. Just like when we were young, we were separated for a long time and had such a deep misunderstanding, but I couldn't stop loving you. You can't die, you have to continue the wish of the dead and fulfill the obligations of the living—I My only wish is to see you live well and keep looking for new hope." "Live, Wanwan? Live, Wanwan, you are the strongest and bravest girl." "Live, Wanwan? I promise you will never be alone and helpless. I will not leave you alone in this world, I will always guard you. "Live, Wanwan." "Live." ... ... I don't know why I suddenly have a lot of strength.I don't know why I can still move.I even wondered if Xiao Mu in my consciousness was helping me move and crawl.Anyway, at that moment, I moved little by little towards the door.Inch by inch, foot by foot, I dragged my heavy body forward with belief surrounded by sparks.I couldn't even see the direction or know exactly where the door was.But I just know, I can't give up, I'm going to keep moving, keep moving, I have to. "Live." "Live." I heard Xiao Mu still talking.When I touched the door, I couldn't move.But I had to lift myself up, I had to stand.I leaned softly on the door, lifting my body up bit by bit, Xiao Mu's voice was gradually covered by the huge tide, and before I suffocated, I finally touched the door handle and opened the door of the house.While taking my first breath of fresh air, I fell down heavily.