Chapter 36 34．despair, new hope

From that day on, the eagerness to tell the truth to Ji Yan to clear up the misunderstanding gradually faded away.It's like a person riding a car through a long tunnel. The tunnel is too long and too dark, so long that he forgets the appearance of the sun and loses his desire for the sun. The darkness makes him used to the numbness of moving forward. I guess that maybe Ji Yan has noticed that I have a private relationship with Xiaojiezi.He is still moving away from me step by step, but I can't do anything anymore. The long and eventful summer vacation is coming to an end.I think maybe very soon, Ji Yan will come over and tell me that he and Tang Xiao are planning to go back to school for class.He knew that it was impossible for me to leave Xiao Mu and go back to class, I couldn't.So if that's the case, I can only watch him and Tang Xiao leave. Would that be the most natural end between us?Since then, you have broken the thread that was so hard to hold together?

Xiaojiezi still came to "take care" of Xiao Mu, pretending that nothing happened in front of Xiao Mu and me.Whenever Xiao Mu fell asleep, he would immediately change into a flattering face, ordering me to follow him outside the ward with his eyes, if I didn't follow, he would forcefully drag me.His movements became more and more rough, he would put his arms around my waist or stroke my face with his hands.He still whined and still asked me to leave with him.Such a hopeless life has kept me on the brink of collapse, only Xiaomu's bright smile and increasingly rosy cheeks can bring me some comfort.

Finally, after a long period of depression and despair, God sowed a little new hope—the doctor said that Xiao Mu's condition had been completely controlled, and she could undergo surgery.The success rate of the operation is very high, after which Xiao Mu can completely get rid of the 21-year torment of heart disease. At that moment, I thought, maybe this is life. When a person has experienced too much misfortune and finally fell into complete despair, God always has a way to give him a glimmer of hope, let him hold on firmly, and hold on to life. continue.It was when I no longer had any illusions about life that Xiao Mu was able to perform surgery.This made me feel grateful to God again.

We are all very happy, because the doctor has decided to operate on Xiao Mu in three days.Only Xiaojiezi looked at me with a fierce look.When Xiao Mu was taking a nap, Xiao Jiezi rushed over regardless of Ji Yan and Tang Xiao being in the ward, grabbed my hand roughly, pulled me and strode outside.I broke free and wanted to shake off his hand, but his strength was too great, and I couldn't break free with all my strength. Xiaojiezi and I stood in the back garden again.The back garden with the lotus pond and the beautiful goldfish has become a place that scares me a lot these days. "I can't take it anymore! Now that she's healed, can you come with me?" Xiao Jiezi yelled at me.

"It's not right now, the operation hasn't started yet, it's the most critical time. You must not leave at this time." When talking to him, I always turned my head sideways, not looking at the face that made my heart palpitate. "You come with me now!" He ordered me, clasping my arm tightly with his big pincer-like palm. His domineering and rudeness made me furious, and I had an impulse to break free from his hand and yell out all my disgust and hatred for him.But, Xiao Mu, Xiao Mu, she is about to undergo surgery in three days.I have to be patient and can only be patient.

"You came to take care of Xiao Mu and make her recover. You saved her life. I beg you to do the good thing to the end and let her complete the operation smoothly. Then we will..." He interrupted me immediately: "Don't lie to me again! Are you procrastinating? I'll be worthless when Duan Xiaomu recovers completely, right? At that time, will you still follow me?" I don't answer him. I was prepared for him to be furious and throw a tantrum at me.But in fact he behaved very calmly.He stopped talking, and two stern cold lights in his bloodshot eyes penetrated me.Too cold a stalemate is so hard to bear, I'd rather he throw a tantrum at me.

After a while, his eyes suddenly dimmed, and his voice became strange, a hollow and weak voice that he had never had before: "You have always lied to me, and you have never had me in your heart." I suddenly understood that he was in love with me.I used to think that he was an overly playful and aggressive child. To him, I was just a toy that he wanted. The more unavailable, the more precious it became.So he always wanted to conquer me and make me as docile as Xiaomu was to him.Maybe at that moment, I will be worthless and can be thrown away like an old coat.He has only lust for me, but no affection.But at this moment, I suddenly realized that my judgment of him was too simple. He was clearly a weak boy who was crushed by love, and was deceived again and again by the person he liked.My nose suddenly became sour. Everyone has their own shackles and entanglements that cannot be relieved, even Xiaojiezi, who I have always hated so much, is no exception.

The silence continued for a while, and he said timidly, "You can't leave me, you are mine now, and I can't live without you." This sentence completely angered me, the unhealed wound in my heart was torn open, and the humiliation and resentment that had been suppressed for many days suddenly burst out: "Bastard, devil, you are a devil to me and Xiao Mu! Lied to you, never thought of going with you, I will never go with you! Go to hell!" Seeing a face distorted in pain, I suddenly got a kind of pleasure.A pleasure that could finally torment him. He stood still for a few seconds, then suddenly, as if waking up from a dream, he quickly turned around, walked a few steps, turned his face again, and said to me:

"You'll regret it." His tone was fierce and plaintive.I took a breath of cool air, straightened my body, and looked at the lotus that was beginning to wither in front of me.Did they also cut off all thoughts after being devastated? I stood alone in the back garden for a long time, and suddenly thought of Xiao Mu.What will Xiaojiezi do?Thinking of this made me panic immediately.I quickly ran to the ward. In the ward, Xiao Mu was sitting on the bed, and in front of her was a milky white oval basket with a long handle, which was filled with big bright red cherries.It was crowded like a bunch of red balloons floating over the city at a festival.I figured it must have been bought by a plumber, it was past cherry season and they looked extraordinarily precious.Ji Yan and Tang Xiao were standing by the window talking, I glanced at them, and walked straight to Xiao Mu's bed.

I squatted down and put my hand next to Xiao Mu's.Xiao Mu picked the reddest cherry and handed it to me.It was a red that was too thick to melt, and it was easy to be addicted to it.I put it in my mouth, and the sweet and sour juice refreshed my bitter and dry mouth.Xiao Mu watched me eat the cherries, and said happily: "Wanwan, I remember that in the east of Licheng, when I went to see Xiaojiezi by myself in the past, I saw dense cherry trees. But when I went with you, they disappeared. You said Is there a cherry grove there?" "Yes." Because I was preoccupied with Xiaojiezi's whereabouts, I seemed a little absent-minded.

"Well, I think so too, because I often dream about it." She nodded firmly. "Really?" I asked softly, still wondering where Xiaojiezi went.Fortunately, Xiao Mu didn't notice it, she was completely immersed in yearning for that cherry grove: "In early summer, there were large patches of red fruit growing there. It was as beautiful as a red cloud. When my illness is cured, shall we go there to pick cherries next year? I really want to sleep under the cherry tree, and I will definitely be able to make one It was a beautiful dream. I slept until I was woken up by the falling fruit. How pleasant it would be.” Her longing eyes seemed to have seen into the future, into the moment when we were together in the cherry grove.It was a face full of happiness that would move anyone, and it brought me to the cherry grove.Suddenly, a large group of red auspicious clouds bloomed above my head, and the fragrance of the fruit flowed around me.The so-called happiness is probably like this. I put my hand on hers and nodded gently: "Okay, of course. When you recover, we'll pick a lot of cherries. We won't be able to finish them for many days." She was very satisfied after listening to my words, she stopped talking, put her thin fingers in the basket, and slowly stroked the fruits. I was still at a loss, and finally I couldn't help but ask: "Uh, did Xiaojie come here just now? Where did he go?" As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt Ji Yan's gaze, an unbearable gaze.Does he still care about me? "I have been here. He said that he has to accompany his friend to Luocheng to transport a batch of timber in the past two days. They are now partnering in the timber business, and they seem to be making money all the time." Xiao Mu said innocently and proudly.For Xiao Mu, the happiest thing in the world is that Xiao Jiezi can do something peacefully. I finally felt relieved, fortunately, he didn't tell her the truth.I say: "Then Xiao Mu, you just wait for the operation. We can go to Cherry Grove after the operation." I hope the operation will be over soon, I want to take Xiao Mu out of Licheng, I want her to go to Luocheng , live in our house, we can get rid of Xiaojiezi forever. I was still standing there when I suddenly felt that Ji Yan was already standing behind me.He showed a long-lost sincere expression: "Let's talk alone, Wanwan." I nod.We turned our heads to look at Tang Xiao at the same time.Tang Xiao was very embarrassed, and immediately said: "I'll go to the supermarket and buy some more fruit." So the three of us walked out of the ward, and the plumber went to make dinner for Xiao Mu. "Xiao Mu, you can rest for a while. The doctor said, you need to rest more." I said when I closed the door for Xiao Mu. "Got it." Xiao Mu responded to me, and the smile on her face was gradually closed behind the door. The three of us walked silently with our heads down until we reached the end of the corridor.Then Ji Yan and I walked to the left, while Tang Xiao went straight through the intersection and walked forward.I know she doesn't want to be separated from Ji Yan for a moment. Ji Yan and I walked for a while, but we were both silent.When we got to the end of the road, we all stopped.Ji Yan suddenly opened his mouth and said to me: "School is about to start. We have to go back after Xiao Mu's operation." I looked up at him.I don't know who he is referring to by "we".Is it still including me? But I still nodded, expressing my understanding: "You and Tang Xiao go back first. I'll stay and wait until Xiao Mu is discharged from the hospital." In fact, I already knew that things would end up like this. He and Tang Xiao left together.That's something I can't keep.Yet I still want to escape it.My already numb heart still vaguely read: Ji Yan, Ji Yan, don't leave me.don't leave me.You know how scared I am right now. He opened his mouth to say something, but I said first: "Ji Yan, I want to visit the kindergarten. I heard that it will be demolished." I don't want him to say anything, but I just hope to cherish this moment of reunion with him. Ji Yan's eyebrows moved slightly, expressing his agreement. So we took a taxi and went to the kindergarten.In fact, in Licheng, Ji Yan and I don't have many places to reminisce about the past. The first thing I can think of is the kindergarten. Kindergarten, this deserted small playground, still surprised us when it appeared in front of our eyes.The eyes are full of suffocatingly tall grass, slender and hard, growing in a haphazard manner, dividing the kindergarten in front of me into fragments.I can't find the seesaw anymore. It may be hidden in the tall grass, or it may have been discarded long ago.The slide is still there, but the ladder to climb up is missing, and it stands there in embarrassment, like a useless cripple.Only the swing, no matter how tall the grass is, looks the same from a distance.I walked towards it, stepping over the tall grass.The tall grass covered my calf, rubbing lightly against my skirt, making a rustling sound.Ji Yan behind him didn't move, but I felt he was looking at me.I walked to the front of the swing and sat on it slowly, only to find that because the surrounding grass was too tall and dense to surround the swing tightly, the swing could not be swung at all.I sat on it, but the swing could only shake slightly back and forth. Fourteen years later, Ji Yan and I stood at opposite ends of the kindergarten again, facing each other.I remember when he was a child, he stood here watching Xiao Mu bleed, saw my cruelty, and shed tears.Now that he has grown up, he looks at me with a condescending expression, and I think he may never cry for me again. The surrounding air is freezing, and there is an inexplicable sound faintly coming from the distance, like music, and like prayer, can there be a sound that travels through time and space?I really want to run to him, through the tall grass and fourteen years of time, can I, can I open his ears that can no longer hear love?Can it touch his hard heart?