Chapter 35 33. Unrecoverable injury

When I later recalled the days when I returned to Licheng, I often felt how short the joy of being together was, whether it was with Ji Yan or Xiaomu.Soon I was like stepping on a raft that was sinking in the big water, and I was so restless every moment.I often have very short dreams, shorter than the time of an epiphyllum: in the dream, Xiao Mu closed her eyes tightly, and she struggled fiercely, as if her chest was being pressed down.She writhed and swayed like a stranded fish.I thought she was going to die, was going to die. I don't know why I have such a dream, I know that Xiao Mu's condition has improved.How happy I was when I knew from the doctor that Xiao Mu's life was not in danger and was gradually recovering.I fantasize that she can recover at the speed she is doing now, then surgery can be done soon, and she can become a normal person.The nasty heart disease will never bother her and me again.However, Xiaojiezi is always my hidden worry.He lost his temper time and time again, telling me that he would never act anymore and that he would take me out of here.He couldn't accept the fact that Xiao Mu's condition was getting better, which undoubtedly meant that he had to stay and continue to take care of Xiao Mu, which he couldn't bear.He wished that Xiao Mu would die immediately, and he would be completely liberated. He thought that he would be able to take me away with him.

I loathe him so much, how many times, when he's yelling at me, I want to end my patience and compromise and yell at him and tell him I don't like him at all, I do It's Ji Yan, I hate him!But then he would definitely leave Xiao Mu behind.Xiao Mu's condition, which has just recovered, will definitely worsen, and then my nightmare will become a reality.So I can't just turn around and walk away.So I had no choice but to bear with Xiaojiezi, almost to the point of obedience to him.For me, such days have no end in sight, like a string that is getting tighter and tighter, and every moment I have a feeling of flying away from the bow.Ji Yan will find out sooner or later, I can hardly imagine his expression when he finds out.Will he listen to my explanation, will he believe me, and believe that everything is just a play I have to do.Will he forgive me and take me away.

Too much confusion surrounds me, I think I will not be able to persist. However, on the third day after Ji Yan came back from Luocheng to pick up his clothes, he still came to see Xiao Mu early in the morning, standing at the door, talking softly with the plumber.But this time, I saw a girl behind him - Tang Xiao.My long-lost cousin Tang Xiao.She followed Ji Yan closely, like a parasite that couldn't survive without him.She has lost a lot of weight, and wearing a black tank top and a pair of jeans embroidered with vines, she looks very fresh, no longer the coquettish look she used to vent her anger.Holding a large bunch of purple forget-me-nots in her hand, she looked at me timidly.During the time I haven't seen her, she has grown again, and is even more charming now.I can't help feeling God's eccentricity, the youth given to me is so short, as if at this moment I have already entered the long and endless middle age like winter.I am aging rapidly, losing moisture and enthusiasm rapidly.But Tang Xiao is still on a gratifying ascension process. Frankly speaking, seeing her still moved me a little bit, because she let me know that the world is not because of Xiao Mu's illness, because of this entanglement. Qing's pretense and pretentiousness went dark, the world was still sunny in other places, the sun still shone on Tang Xiao's forehead and shoulders, but I couldn't feel it anymore.

I haven't had a good sleep or a meal for a long, long time.I didn't even touch my skin well, or take a good look in the mirror. Of course, when I saw Tang Xiao again, I couldn't help but think of that day when she and Ji Yan stood in the middle of our room and kissed.The smell of fresh summer grass in the house, the trembling, lustfully lifted curtains gently lifted.There they stood, not a shred of darkness, everything in broad daylight and cloudless.At that moment, I felt that they should be together, and I was redundant, and I should leave.So I decided to leave Ji Yan.That's why I came to Licheng later, and later reunited with Xiaomu.

I don't know if I should be grateful to Tang Xiao. If it weren't for her kiss to him, I might never go back to Licheng, and I wouldn't go back to Xiao Mu at all.If I hadn't returned to Xiaomu's side, until Xiaomu's condition deteriorated and she passed away, we wouldn't be able to meet again.That must be my lifelong regret. But maybe I should also blame Tang Xiao, if it wasn't for her kiss, I wouldn't have come to Licheng, then I would never have met Xiaojiezi.Then I will never fall into this boundless quagmire. "Tang Xiao." I called her name and approached her step by step.Love it and hate it.I believe blood can be more unreasonable and irrational than any other emotion.The summer breeze blew the broken hair on her forehead. I wondered if I should thank God for giving me such a lovely and charming cousin.

She came up to me and quickly explained: "Ji Yan called me, and I couldn't help but came." One sentence stunned everyone.I turned around and took a deep look at Ji Yan. His panicked expression was like a mole that hadn't had time to hide in the ground, and I happened to catch him.I feel sad for a while - these days I stay in the ward all day to take care of Xiao Mu's daily life, and there is almost no time to be alone with him. Is he lonely?So he called her, and he told her about his distress.She took pity on her and felt sorry for her. She came here.Is that so? In fact, she has always been hidden in the depths of his life, waiting for a moment to emerge again.

Has this moment come, am I, am I supposed to be out? I know that there should be no such suspicion between lovers, how hurtful it is.But I can't control myself, once I think of these things, despair, sadness, and suspicion are like continuous clouds, smudged bit by bit, covering my entire sky. I nodded to Tang Xiao, without saying anything else, I took the bouquet of rich and crowded purple flowers from her hand, and turned around to exchange for the large bunch of withered lilies placed on Xiao Mu's bedside.Holding the vase in my left hand and the forget-me-nots in my right, I brushed past Tang Xiao and Ji Yan, and walked to the corridor outside——I found that Tang Xiao's hand behind his back was slightly bent , the slender index finger stretched backwards, gently hooking Ji Yan's skirt.I turned my head away from looking at them.Going straight to the sink at the end of the corridor, the old lily has not completely withered, and the slightly yellowed edges are curled up, as if trying to protect itself.I lifted them out of the soaking water, hesitated, and threw them in the trash can by the sink.New blooms swagger into an octagonal long-necked glass vase.Flowers are like people, only newcomers laugh, but old ones cry.

Tang Xiao did not leave Licheng.She always followed behind Ji Yan, Ji Yan always followed her when he came every morning, and when Ji Yan left in the afternoon, she also followed him out.I don't know where they went, Ji Yan didn't explain to me, he hardly said anything to me, the occasional few words were probably about Xiao Mu's condition.What a sad and cruel fact this is, two people who once loved each other so much have reached the point where they have nothing to say. Every time I stand in front of him and have a few words to him, I want to say, Ji Yan, we can't do this anymore.Can't go on like this stalemate anymore, you are getting farther and farther away from me, I can't feel you anymore.I can only feel that you are going to be taken away by Tang Xiao.But I have no chance to say so.There is always a docile parasitic animal standing behind him, and Xiao Jiezi is not far away to see my every move.

What happened afterwards made it impossible for me to tell Ji Yan again.I lost the hole card I had been holding in my hand, and the retreat I had been thinking about. There was heavy rain that day.In the evening, I took an umbrella and went to the supermarket opposite the hospital to buy fresh fruit for Xiao Mu.Emerald green pears and yellow apricots are held in heavy hands.This made me feel much better after staying in the ward all day.When I walked out of the supermarket, I felt that the weather was getting colder and summer was coming to an end.The hot and stalemate season should be over, and the new season has come to everyone with a refreshing look.I held up the umbrella again and was about to walk into the rain when someone behind me supported my shoulders.It was a very heavy hand, and I was surprised.

Sure enough, it was Xiaojiezi. He appeared restless, and his mood was not improved by the torrential rain after this long drought.He covered my hand holding the handle of the umbrella with one hand and said: "Come out with me." "What?" I panicked when I saw him. "Let's go shopping, I want to buy a new dress." "Well, I bought fruit for Xiao Mu, so I have to go back to the ward." I said quickly, holding up the fruit for him to see. "Come back soon. You see, I've been staying here all this time, wearing this ragged clothes all day long. You don't love me, but Duan Xiaomu still loves me." Xiao Jiezi tugged at the corner of his clothes, Showing a pitiful look.

"Ah, what did Xiao Mu say?" I asked. "She blamed me for not changing my clothes. She said she would accompany me to choose clothes." Xiao Jiezi said looking at my expression. My mind was so confused that I couldn't tell if he was telling the truth or lying.I nodded: "I still have some money here, you can buy it." "No," Xiaojiezi said with a straight face, "I want you to replace Duan Xiaomu and accompany me to choose." Xiaojiezi and I took a taxi to the department store in the city center of Licheng.He tried on a few nice T-shirts and jeans that looked like they were worn with a layer of salt frost.He seemed to like it very much, so I bought it as a gift for him.It was raining harder as we walked out of the department store, hours had passed and it was night.We waited for a while and finally got into a taxi.He sits in front.I froze for a while in the backseat, and the car stopped.He told me to get out of the car.I thought I was in the hospital, so I got out of the car.In the rainstorm, I held up my umbrella, and the car had already driven away, and I realized that we did not return to the hospital, but a narrow alley.There are many small hair salons and hotels on both sides of the small alleys. The red and green signboards are very bright by the rain, like pairs of restless eyes in the dark night.And now we are standing at the door of a small hotel called "Yamei". After so many years of leaving, I don't remember such a small alley in Licheng.Tired and powdered women are leaning against the door of the hotel or hair salon. They watch the heavy rain with indifferent eyes, and occasionally light a low-quality cigarette with a match. "Where is this? What are we doing here?" I panicked and wanted to get out of here immediately, but there was no passing traffic in all directions. "I want to pick out a new dress for a buddy who lives here." Xiao Jiezi said, he had already dragged me into the door of "Yamei".Inside the door is a small bar, where a woman in a tight red dress with curls is listening to the radio.Now she's singing along to the music on the radio: "Sweet, sweet, your smile is so familiar, like flowers blooming in the spring breeze..." Next to the bar is a long and narrow staircase, so steep that there is no end in sight. I said, "Okay, go and deliver the clothes, I'll wait for you here." He shook his head: "Is there any place to stay here? You can go up with me. It's raining so heavily, let's drink a cup of hot tea before leaving." I looked around. It was really too narrow here. The curly-haired girl looked at me fiercely. I thought she was very upset that I was standing here listening to her sing.But I saw the staircase, which stretched into the unknown darkness, like a cold scar, shocking.So I still shook my head: "No, I'll just stand outside the door, you go and come back quickly. We've been out for too long, Xiao Mu will be very worried if he doesn't see you." "Got it, got it." He didn't force me anymore, he answered me twice impatiently and went upstairs. I hesitated, and decided to stand outside the hotel.I held up the umbrella again and went to wait in the rain. Through the glass window, I saw the curly-haired girl picking up a bloody lipstick to touch up her makeup, her body still shaking gently with the music. I waited for a long time, but Xiaojiezi didn't come down, and no taxi passed by in the alley.I feel very uneasy. There is no end to the end of this alley, just endless red and green signs and yawning lazy women waiting at the door.I want to leave immediately, this environment makes me feel depressed, almost suffocating.But I don't even know in which direction to run.What's more, I have to take Xiaojiezi back, Xiaomu is waiting for him. I had to continue to wait, the rain was getting heavier, my skirt was completely soaked, and the cold skirt stuck to my legs.My hair was also wet, and small drops of water fell down the ends of my hair in strings and broke.The bag full of fruit in my hand was filled with a lot of rainwater, and it became heavier and heavier. Another hour or so passed.It was late at night.He still didn't come down.The curly-haired girl was tired of singing, she fell on the table and dozed off, the fresh lipstick was pressed on her bare arms, like a postmark.I finally couldn't wait any longer, pushed the door and entered the "Yamei" hotel again.I gently tapped the wooden table where the curly-haired girl was lying on her stomach, and woke her up: "Excuse me, do you know which room that person went to just now?" Sleepy-eyed, she said impatiently: "Go up and look for it yourself!" So I had to go up the stairs.The wooden stairs creaked and crumbled when they walked up.Finally reached the end of the stairs, the second floor is a long corridor, flashing ambiguous dark red lights.I had no choice but to walk through one by one to see if Xiaojiezi was there.When I passed the third room on the left, I saw that the door was open, and there was a bed inside. There were some clothes on the bed, which were exactly the clothes I had chosen with Xiaojie.But there was no one in the room.I called his name several times at the door, but no one answered me. I hesitated for a moment, thinking that he should be inside, and decided to go in and find him.I must take him back. I walked into that room lightly, the room was narrow and long, and there was a room inside, I walked slowly to the center of the room, next to the bed, there was nothing but those clothes, and no one lived here trace. At this time, I heard the sound of a door closing behind me, very softly.I turned my head suddenly - I don't know when, Xiao Jiezi was already standing behind me, next to the door, and he closed the door gently. The door was closed, and a lot of dust was flying on the scarlet floor.I stood with him in this erotic room.At that moment, when he appeared behind me and the door was closed, a terrible premonition suddenly flashed in my mind, and my heart tightened for a while. Xiaojiezi approached me step by step.I begged him: "Don't come here again! Let me go." He ignored me and approached me step by step.He was naked to the waist, wearing a pair of baggy shorts, his body was as shiny as oil, and he was as strong as a thug. "Go away! I'm going to call someone! You go away!" I stepped back, yelling fiercely.But in fact I was already feeling hopeless.I fell into the trap he set and I couldn't escape. "Hey, you can yell," he smiled smugly, "the women here like to yell, and people don't bother to pay attention to you. Yell, yell." I backed against the wall, leaning against the grimy curtains.When I touched the window, I wanted to push it open and shout to the outside, but no matter how hard I pushed the window, I couldn't move it.I waved the umbrella in my hand in the direction he was leaning towards.He grabbed the umbrella with his big hand, twisted it fiercely, and the handle of the umbrella was bent.I desperately grabbed the umbrella to keep him from approaching.As soon as he tried harder, he snatched the umbrella and threw it on the ground hard.I picked up the fruit bag in my other hand and threw it at him.He dodged nimbly, squatted down suddenly, and took out an iron rod and a long and thick hemp rope from under the bed.He hit the bag in my hand with an iron rod, the bag shattered and the fruit rolled to the ground. He has already prepared the weapons to subdue me. "I told you, I must have you! You'd better be obedient, or I'll have to be rough on you." I was cornered and looked at him, this man as fierce as a beast.His bare upper body gleamed with lust and violence in the dim light.I thought of the vague uneasiness I felt when I first saw him.Is that a premonition peculiar to women?He is the doom that I cannot escape.Two lines of cold tears rolled down my face, and I said to Xiao Mu in my heart: "Xiao Mu, is this the man you love so madly?" My pity for Xiao Mu has overwhelmed my own fear.The extreme anger made my whole body almost explode, and I frantically raised my fists and kicked violently.He dodged to the side, threw away the iron rod and the hemp rope in his hand, quickly grabbed my arm, and with a strong shake, I was thrown heavily on the bed.The strong body covered my whole body.My fingers entangled me like a poisonous snake spitting out its core.When I stopped struggling, when I fell into the dark bottom, I don't remember at all.I only clearly remember that at the moment when I was engulfed by the waves, I closed my eyes with all my strength.