Chapter 27 25．God's house

The love that grew in winter has been growing, and in a blink of an eye, Ji Yan and I walked in front of spring. In fact, I have never been clear how I should describe the relationship between us.I don't like to use words like "lover", "object", "boyfriend" to describe the relationship between us.I never talk about my emotional problems with anyone.Speaking of which, I don't have any same-sex friends, and girls don't like me because I'm arrogant, hot and cold, which makes me grow into an attractive woman, and boys like to discuss quietly behind their backs Me, and this makes the girls around me so jealous, they must be cursing me subconsciously, hoping that I will make a fool of myself or lose my usual pride.

Of course Tang Xiao was my only female friend in the past, but now it seems uncertain. In the past, we were able to be friends because we had no conflict of interest, but when Ji Yan appeared as a conflict of interest between us, we My friendship crumbles like a building that cut corners.This is a friendship built from leftovers, and it can't withstand any wind and rain, so when I think about it now, it seems that there has never been a real friendship between us.However, this is such a sad thing for me, perhaps because of family affection, in short, I cannot deny that I really love my lovely cousin so much.

As for my friends of the opposite sex, I never had one.Those boys who used to hang around me, I prefer to call them "emotional playmates".In fact, I was still a child, and I was still obsessed with the game of "play house".At the end of childhood, the most advanced kind of "play house" is to pick a boy from your surroundings at random and have a quick romance with him.The reason why I was obsessed with this game was because people live in groups rather than solitary animals. When I live alone in school without a friend or even a pet, I have to devote myself to this game. To create the illusion that there is always someone by my side.Since Ji Yan came into my life, the "play house" game is no longer needed, and the "playmates" who used to stand next to me can be thrown out like dolls out of season.So now I only have Ji Yan.Therefore, I will not use the word "boyfriend" on him, because it is a restrictive word. For example, compared with "boyfriend", he should have his own female friends, even bosom friends, etc.But you know, I have nothing, I only have Ji Yan, only he can fill all the space in my heart.So I just called him "Ji Yan". "Ji Yan", this word is so ambiguous in my heart, I will take out this name in any moment of pain, joy, excitement and depression, it is my passport, applicable to any situation.

Ji Yan likes to accompany me to sketch.We still went to "Red Leaf Valley". The spring on the hillside always made me think of some things about hope and the future. For example, I even started to imagine our wedding. "A wedding is supposed to be like this: we run away from the ceremony in our cumbersome clothes, and we run all the way here, the white veil from my head is gone, the lace under the skirt is covered with mud, and my beautiful glass slipper is worn out I flattened my high heels and sang songs while climbing the mountain; and you, when we climbed to the mountainside and were exhausted, took off your beautiful suit jacket and exchanged two bottles of mineral water with the vendor, We continued to climb. We lived on the mountain that night, so that we were closer to the sky, and all the gods in the sky saw us and blessed us..."

Ji Yan couldn't help laughing: "Hey, wait, okay, why did we run away from the wedding? What? Why did we make the wedding so embarrassing? It's like an escape." We were both laughing, and suddenly Ji Yan became serious: "A wedding like the one you like should actually be held in a church. I like exchanging rings and kissing like that very much." I was so excited at that time that I blurted out: "Okay, let's go to church then!" After saying that, he was stunned and asked: "Really?" I suddenly realized what kind of sentence I just said.How I have always hated churches.Over the years, I have firmly believed that the church is an image associated with Duan Xiaomu who hurt me. It is full of unclean premeditation and the illusion of peace like a volcanic dormant period.Of course I remember that time was on this mountain. Ji Yan locked me in the church, and the scattered photos of Duan Xiaomu deeply embedded me in her life. The torn net, her eyes are like sharp needles, swiftly and easily moving through the holes in my body.I never believed in God.But I believe in fate.I know that something is pulling everyone's physical body in different directions.But as for what kind of things it is, I don't want to think about it. Don't tell me about God, he doesn't live in my heart.

But now what happened to me?I even said to him, we are going to church to get married, and we want to be witnessed by God.Can the place where the sky is dark and the sky and the sky make me restless give me the peace of eternal life?Can God, whom I have never acknowledged, give me the sincerest blessing? My face is very ugly at the moment, how I wish Ji Yan didn't hear what I just said.How I wish the church was a place that didn't exist at all, where no one could find it. Ji Yan obviously saw the change in me at this moment. He stroked my hair and said softly: "Actually, the church is not scary at all. Only good people live there. You may not believe in God, but at least you can regard it as a place to quiet your soul."

This is my record, he is my belief.I was really confused, I knew I couldn't resist him, I was different from Du Wanwan before, I had lost the ability to say no to him.He has long been my leader. "Would you like to go to that church at the bottom of this mountain?" Ji Yan's soft voice is still lingering in my ears, but we have already reached the door of that church.If that God really exists, then he should know how much I fear his temple at this very moment.I held Ji Yan's hand tightly, as if he could ascend to the sky and leave, but I would be trapped in a fiery hell, so I must hold him tightly, if he can fly then please Take me with you.

The inside of the church was still dark.A window on the side covered with red and green tissue paper was broken, and a slender light that was tightly bound shone in, but it was still dark here.The semicircular emerald green containers at the four corners are covered with cobwebs.I don't know what it does, ask: "What is this for?" "Holy water." "Holy water?" Actually, I don't know exactly what holy water is, but I don't think it seems to matter, because it is so messed up now that I don't see how sacred it has been. Instead of going back to school that night, we sat in the dark church, hugging.We didn't talk much, just heard the unique sound of the wind in the mountains at night, as well as the calls of animals.We don't need lights, we don't need any mechanical gadgets, just like two ancient people, living in silence with only each other in sight.Suddenly I feel that this church is a castle, the castle of Ji Yan and I.Here the prince wiped the dust off his Cinderella face, changed her into clean and beautiful clothes, and took her hand in his own, with a peachy smile on his face.

This is indeed a considerable shift.From then on, we often came to this church, hugging in the dust like this, and he told me the stories of those ancient gods, until gradually, I was very sure of their existence. The second gift Ji Yan gave me was a Bible (the first was that clumsy necklace), in English, and the continuous lyrical letters led me to the heavenly Father bit by bit.This whole process was accomplished through one person (the Chronicle), one book (the Bible), and one place (the church), and it was incredibly fast.In the summer, I have read the Bible before going to bed and prayed seriously.

It is said that in times of adversity it is easier to be led to God—to hold on to and lean on the Savior, but I was in times of prosperity that have never been better for me.It is precisely because of this that I need to pray. I always pray that I will not lose, not lose Ji Yan. Of course, I have to talk about the worsening relationship between me and Tang Xiao. I feel more and more that there is no way for me to restore this, and I can't even pray to God. Tang Xiao has already moved back home, that is to say, in order to avoid me who disgusts her, she is even willing to spend more than an hour every morning rushing from her home to school.

Her absenteeism intensified, and she liked to enter the packed lecture theater through the front door at the end of a class, drawing all attention to her.She was dressed in gorgeous clothes, like a peacock with an arrogant gait, showing off her colorful feathers in the eyes of everyone. But she is still likable. Everyone has to admit that the longer she grows, the more beautiful she becomes. Of course, sometimes Tang Xiao and I appeared in our dormitory at the same time at noon or evening.She sat across from me and smoked one cigarette after another.She no longer smokes the Light cigarettes that girls use to perform, she wants extra strong ones.Of course she also noticed that the book I was reading at the moment was the Bible.At this time, I think we are engaged in a kind of confrontation, but there is no dialogue.She smoked all the time and just looked at her feet—her downcast eyes were always very sad.When she had smoked enough, she picked up the broom behind the door and swept up the cigarette butts all over the floor, then went to my bed and opened the south-facing window of the bedroom. At that time, we were very close, and I was deeply moved. Her breath was filled with the smell of her perfume.This is her new change. The previous Tang Xiao was also fragrant, but it was her charming body fragrance as a young girl, emanating from her hair and from the bottom of her neck. sucking hard. Now Tang Xiao uses perfume with a strong smell.After a long time, I found out that the perfume on her body was Gucci's "envy".All this she was doing seemed to me like a kind of rock climbing, getting higher and higher, above me anyway. When I started to believe in God, I didn't think about where the great God would lead me.I didn't know that he took me back to Licheng in the end.In the beginning, my approach to God and the church was purely for the sake of record.After a long time, I finally understood that it was a kind of fawning, and in fact this was always a love that I was at a disadvantage.When I look up and worship God, I also worship my Ji Yan.Only by holding God's hand can I get close to Ji Yan, and we can be face to face or back to back, so close. Later, I completely became a person modified by God, and I could no longer be vicious. Let me still go back to the church that changed me, with its thick gray walls and slender cross.That church is like a warrior shouting with a sword raised, and now I really believe that it is the god who protects me.Yes, it is also Eros.Let Ji Yan and I guard this temple of God for the rest of our lives. In the summer, I painted a picture called "The Mansion of God", which is this church, and the boy in the rosebush outside the iron gate.The boy was wearing a brown peaked cap, his straight nose and slightly raised chin were covered with the interlaced brilliance of the sun and stars.There are a few looming lotus-colored wings in the faint sky, which belong to the angels. Their fusiform bodies are like spools, wrapping the sky full of love.Love, yes, there is no night here, only the endless cycle of light, there is no hard hate here, only continuous love. How much Ji Yan likes this painting, he let me hold the painting tightly, and took a beautiful flip of us.In the summer, "God's Mansion" was taken by Ji Yan to participate in an oil painting exhibition in an underground bar called "Life". The people in the bar were all Ji Yan's friends, and they watched in amazement at this man following behind Ji Yan. The little girl, she has a shyness that has not been deeply involved in the world. ——It’s really strange to say, since I’ve been with Ji Yan, since I’ve believed in God, my former arrogance and sense of vicissitudes have been washed away, and I’m full of new flames like a spotless paper lantern , It's just that I always think this is an illusion that can be broken with one poke.An illusion disguised by love. My painting was placed in the center, and the church on the screen was shining brightly in everyone's bright eyes.The cheers wrapped around Ji Yan and me like clouds.That day we stood under the dim newspaper roll lights in the bar, and everyone knew that we were the children of God, a pair of lovers, with bright eyes and good looks, and high spirits.I was wearing a suspender gauze dress with layers of purple getting darker, and my Yingying lips were always open expectantly, shining like diamonds.Ahhh, like a mermaid that just came ashore, I finally landed on the human land.It was really a night of eras, and I got a new life in this place called "career".At this moment, I feel that Ji Yan and I are exactly the same, and I finally stand at the same distance from God as he is, as if the mermaid has spent thousands of years to cultivate into a human appearance. Fairy couple. When we came out of the underground bar "Life", it was already the next morning.The child of God is still sleepless.Our stomachs are filled with rum and cheesecake, but what's more, everyone's praise and praise for us.They all like Du Wanwan, as Ji Yan's girlfriend, Du Wanwan, I feel that my body has texture, and I am no longer a paper lantern. We sang along the way, Ji Yan picked up a straight tree branch from somewhere, and waved his hands rhythmically like beating drums.Every square inch of the air around me felt as sticky as honey. Suddenly Ji Yan said: "Wanwan, follow me back to Licheng. Come with me to see Duan Xiaomu." Immediately I was still, the drums and singing disappeared, leaving us two lonely children standing under the soft gaze of the street lamp.My heart was in turmoil, Duan Xiaomu's name was like a string of flying balloons rushing straight to my heart wall, crashing into chaos. "Wanwan, these days of believing in God, do you feel very peaceful in your heart? You are no longer afraid of those voices and angina that linger in your ears?" Ji Yan stopped walking forward and grabbed my hand Hands, we are standing in the middle of the empty road on this moonlit night. Indeed, these days, maybe because of falling in love with Ji Yan, or maybe because of always praying silently in my heart, I have forgotten the voice of Duan Xiaomu that often rang in my ears, and I have also ignored the voice that once made me cry. I have unbearable angina.My heart is no longer restless or crazy because of these voices and pain from Duan Xiaomu.Yes, I've been very at ease these days, I know those voices are still there, and the heart is still sending out waves of pain, but they are only happening in my body and not spreading to my head.I managed to ignore them.It's unbelievable that something that was inherent to me was suddenly cut off.Shouldn't I be ecstatic? Shouldn't I be celebrating? I told Ji Yan truthfully: "Yes, I have been very at ease during this period of time." "So you understand?" He showed me with a forgiving smile. "what?" "Actually, the devil in your heart is not Duan Xiaomu but your demon." "Demon?" "That's right. Remember what I told you? Strange things did happen to you and Duan Xiaomu, two unrelated people. Your sense of touch is connected. I couldn't believe it at first, but it is indeed true. Really, I have known you for more than ten years and I can't help but believe it. I also felt sad for you and her when I knew this fact. Duan Xiaomu has a congenital heart disease, so the pain she suffered is also passed on It's on you. I admit, it's very unfair to you. But who can blame this? Is Xiao Mu wrong? Wanwan, think about it calmly, the pain is not something she can control, and she is powerless Prevent these pains from passing on to you. She is also very upset and blames herself, but what else can she do? Wanwan, you can't blame her all!" Ji Yan's body is like a block Like thawed ice, there are cloud after cloud of sad air. Listening to his words is like eating an infinitely long aquatic plant, I have to swallow it non-stop, it entangles and binds my internal organs.But what kind of expression should I have? What kind of state of mind? For a long time, we have all deliberately avoided everything about Duan Xiaomu.We all know that when she rises from between us again, the slightly weak love between Ji Yan and I will immediately disappear into nothingness.So we never talked about Duan Xiaomu, and we all took good care of our love. Until today, we finally returned to this topic.Looking back on the time that has just passed, Ji Yan’s love and God’s blessings have made me almost completely forget about Duan Xiaomu—this girl who has been raging in my body for nearly twenty years like a tumor and cancer has been uprooted When I woke up, I unknowingly broke up with those diseases that entangled me tightly.I let out a long sigh of relief, like a vigilant animal that finally relaxed and forgave its natural enemies who fought against it day and night. The 6 o'clock sun polishes the city's asphalt floors.I saw Xiguang squeezing us, bringing us closer, closer together.Yes, we were tightly squeezed together, there was no gap between us, and there was no Duan Xiaomu's thin body like a cicada's wing between us. Before I could express my thoughts to him, we started kissing.A kiss is different from all kisses in the world.It's meticulous, it's ingenious.I was suddenly filled with guilt, and I couldn't bear the fact that my lips had been used to kiss so many other men.They are irrelevant to my life.But I threw my lips at them like a fruit. The boy is in front of me now, and my fresh lips are swaying like a lotus flower on the soft lotus leaves.I hugged his head, my fingers feel the fragrance in his hair.His whole face reflected mine like a glowing mirror, a face as red as a heart and as fragrant as a rose, let me say.Our faces mirror each other's, our lips heave in each other's ocean. What reason do I have to reject Ji Yan again? What reason do I have to care about Duan Xiaomu, who is insignificant in front of love? What reason do I have to refuse to return to Licheng? There is an unchangeable fact that Ji Yan and I met in Licheng.Although there was a disaster involving me and her on the kindergarten swing, the first story between me and Ji Yan also happened on that swing.Stories about bead necklaces and first comforts for a wounded heart. Cinderella escaped from there, and she must return there again in order to complete their happy story with the prince.