Chapter 15 15. Cold Christmas

I'm doing nothing, I've been waiting for Edmondson's call. —Jean-Philippe Tousson Wu Dawei sat on a leather swivel chair and kept blowing his nose. The evening paper said that a type A-3 viral cold had affected the city. Citizens should pay attention to hygiene to prevent diseases, ensure sleep, food nutrition, and air circulation.I opened the window, sat in the window with fresh air, and tried to make myself more comfortable. "I always dream of a room where there is a pot of sunflowers. The flowers wither, and then the seeds float away, and more sunflowers grow, which makes people frightened. There is also a cat, which wants to eat the flowers. When it jumps up Jumped out of the window, fell down the building and disappeared, I stood outside the room door and witnessed all this, my heart beat faster, and another dream was about a box, I opened the box and there was a smaller box inside, and then opened it and there was more Small box, until finally the box disappeared, I was holding a book in my hand, it was very heavy, and then I wanted to send the book, but I forgot the address and forgot who to send it to.”

Wu Dawei looked at me with a pleasant face, "You have always had fear in your heart, worrying about certain changes in your body and troubles in your writing, such as pregnancy, such as the anxiety of self-expression in the prospect of book publishing, and your desire to get what you want, But there's always something that's holding you back, you know what I mean? It's coming from your own imaginary cage, von Marsh Merton said, 'The only real pleasure in the world is from a prison of your own making Get out, 'Tell me about your love life." "Not too bad, but not complete either."

"what are you worried about?" "A sense of nothingness that can never be eliminated, and at the same time, there is a kind of love juice bulging in my chest, but I can't release it. The boy I love can't give me a full sex, and can't even give me a sense of security. He Smoking narcotics, keeping aloof from the world, holding a kitten to the south, as if he would leave me at any time, I may mean goodbye forever. A married man gave me physical satisfaction time and time again, but he didn’t care about feelings The sense of emptiness in our hearts doesn’t work, we use our bodies to communicate and exist with each other, but the body is just a barrier between us, hindering our further spiritual communication.”

"It is the fear of being alone that makes a man learn to love." "I think too much, 99.9% of men are not willing to associate with a woman who thinks too much, I can still remember my dreams and record them." "So life is not simple, not everyone can pay attention to their own thoughts and actions, you already know how to do it, use psychoanalysis to overcome despair, you are not willing to be ordinary, you are naturally charming." His words are very Wen Wen, I don't know if he often comforts female patients like this. Since I found him as an analyst, I don't usually invite him to dinner, play ball, or dance, because I worry that every move will be analyzed all the time under his nose.

The sun shone in, and some floating dust danced like particles of thought. I propped my head in a daze on the sofa, wondering whether I had really awakened in the growth of female consciousness.Am I an attractive woman, am I a little hypocritical, snobbish, and stupid, and the problems in my life are connected together, and I will spend my whole life trying to overcome this unkind force. Christmas.No one called me all day.The sky is gray at dusk, but it won't snow, and it hasn't snowed in Shanghai when it should have snowed for a long time.I watched DVDs all day, smoked a pack and a half of Seven Star cigarettes, and was so bored that I couldn't breathe.I called Tiantian, but no one answered.I gave up halfway through calling Mark. I really wanted to talk to a man tonight and stay with him.

I walked restlessly around the house and finally decided that I had to get out of the house, I don't know where, but I had enough money in my handbags and my face was made up, I think tonight What is bound to happen will happen. I hailed a taxi, and the driver asked, "Miss, where are you going?" A reason for the crowd to revel.I keep seeing couples going in and out of restaurants and department stores in pairs, carrying shopping bags in their hands, and the stores are also taking the opportunity to promote discounts.Another night of frothy fun. The driver kept talking to me and I couldn't be bothered to talk to him.A guitar solo was playing on the radio of the taxi at this time, and then the host's voice buzzed, talking about a band that stood out from the so-called Beijing New Sound, and then strangely, I heard a band I was familiar with Name, Park Yong.

A few years ago when I was still in the magazine office, I went to Beijing to interview him and other bands. At that time, we walked through Tiananmen Square hand in hand at 12 o'clock in the evening. He stood on the overpass and said that he would perform performance art for me. He pulled Unzipped and pissed into the sky, then he held my head and kissed my lips.This rough form of romance made me curious, but I was worried that he would ask to pee on me during sex, or something weird, and we'd always been just friends and had very little contact. Park Yong's voice came on the airwaves as he answered a banal question from the host about music creation, and then he started talking to some of the audience.One of the girls asked him, "Does China have its own rock and roll", and another boy asked what kind of music inspiration the women around him gave him.He coughed a few times and babbled nonsense to the children in a low, sexy voice.I stopped the driver, "Wait here for a few minutes."

As I spoke, I got out of the car and walked to the telephone booth on the side of the road, and inserted the IC card. Fortunately, I dialed the hotline of the radio station without much effort. "Hello, Park Yong." I said happily, "I'm Ni Ke." Then I heard a burst of exaggerated and touching greetings, "Hi, Merry Christmas!" Call me "Baby". "Come to Beijing tonight," he said flippantly and cheerfully, "We have a show at the Busy Bee Bar, and then we have an all-night party." "Okay, I'll fly over to hear your music on Christmas Eve."

After hanging up the phone, I walked back and forth outside the phone booth, then got into a taxi decisively, and said to the driver, "Go to the airport, the sooner the better." There was a flight to Beijing at five o'clock. I bought the ticket at the airport, and then I sat in the cafe next to the terminal and drank coffee.I don't feel particularly happy, but I just feel that I am no longer in a state of anxiety and confusion, at least at this moment I have a goal of action, I have something to do, and that is to go to Beijing to listen to a lively rock music to spend the days without a lover and inspiration Christmas.

The plane took off on time and landed on time.Although I am afraid of the plane falling from the sky every time I fly, because this big and stupid iron guy is always easy to fall in thin air, but I still love flying. I went straight to Park Young's house, knocked on the door, and the neighbor said he wasn't there.I stood in that courtyard in vain for a while, and decided to have a good dinner alone. I didn’t eat a bite of the dim sum on the plane. The restaurants in Beijing are slightly more expensive than those in Shanghai, but luckily the taste of the food is not so disappointing. .From time to time, I was sized up by the northern men at the next table. Their northern-looking eyes would comfort a Shanghai woman who came here alone for Christmas, at least proving that she is still a charming woman.

Busy Bee Bar, a bar that has always been famous for gathering rock people, has countless long-haired or short-haired musicians with sick faces but tight buttocks.The women here (Groupie or flesh and blood) all have round breasts like Hollywood actresses, at least in one way they can attract bad embryos who are mixed in the music circle (rich, powerful, talented, have a body, etc.) Wait). The music was loud, and the smell of cigarettes, alcohol, and perfume was heavy. Walking through the dark corridors that seemed to be blackouted, I saw Park Yong.He was smoking a cigarette and strung a string of silver beads. I walked over and patted him on the shoulder. He raised his head, opened his mouth wide, then put the things in his hand into the hands of the girl next to him, and gave me a big hug. "Are you really here?—Crazy Shanghai woman. How are you?" He looked at my face seriously, "I seem to have lost a lot of weight, who is torturing you? Tell me and I will settle it for you, torturing a beautiful woman A woman is a mistake and even a sin.” It is said that men in Beijing can say truckloads of enthusiastic words, and then pull them down, and no one will mention them again, but I still enjoy this kind of flame like ice cream. verbal comfort. We kissed each other loudly on the mouth, and he pointed to the girl next to me and introduced me, "My friend, Rossi, a photographer." He said to Rossi, "CoCo from Shanghai, graduated from Fudan University and is writing novels." We shook hands shake hands.She had already strung the string of silver beads, and Park Yong took it and put it on his wrist, "I accidentally lost it when I was eating." He muttered, brushing his hair, and gestured to the waiter, "How about a glass of beer?" Like?" I nodded, "Thank you." Someone on the stage was arranging a few wires, and it seemed that the show was about to start, "I've been to your house, but you're not here—by the way, can I sleep at your place tonight?" I asked Park Yong. "Hey, don't sleep, let's play all night. I'll introduce you to some cool men." "I don't want to." I curled my lips, and his girlfriend pretended not to hear what we were talking about, looking down from both sides Hiding from the hanging hair, he looked at something expressionlessly.She has a beautiful nose and long smooth hair, full breasts, and a plush dress in blue and yellow, exotic colors like the Nile. A very beautiful man came over, he was so beautiful that it made people feel distressed, and one was afraid that he would like him but was afraid of being rejected by him.He has smooth skin, tall stature, shiny hair that rises up like a mess of grass, and charming eyes like smoke and poetry. When looking at people, he will make fox-like eyes, which is called "fox vision". , The facial features are as tall and straight as a Bohemian.Strikingly, he has grown a beard around his chin, adding a rough, offbeat feel to the clean sweetness. He obviously knew Park Yong and Rosie well and came over to say hello.Park Yong introduced us to each other. His name is Fei Apple. He is a well-known stylist in Beijing and even in the whole country. He holds a green card and travels around the world to capture the inspiration of beauty and the latest trends. All domestic actresses are lucky to find him for styling. . We chatted, he kept smiling, his eyes were like peach blossoms, I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable, I didn't dare to look at him too much, for fear that my eyes would become straight.I don't plan to have any sex on this night, women who are merciful are very promiscuous, after 30 their faces will reveal all the indulgences and carnivals they have experienced, I hope sometimes men are like writers and not women Same for me.I told myself to deceive myself. When the band came to the stage, the electric guitar roared like a wild beast in the jungle, and the crowd suddenly became excited. They all shook their bodies as if they were electrocuted, and their heads seemed to be broken at any time.I huddled in the crowd and swayed along. I am really happy now because I have no thoughts, because I gave up my power and gave it all to the hell-like music. Find the scene of carnal carnival in the scene of music. Faces blue, ankles stiff, strangers flirting with each other in a fiery air.Not a single fly could fly in and escape this suspicious havoc of high-decibel and turbulent particles. I'm so happy, a man sang hysterically on stage. Flying Apple keeps standing next to me, he touches my butt and smiles at me, I can't stand this beautiful man, this bisexual guy with makeup marks on his face who keeps smiling at me.His eyebrows, his temples, and his cheeks are all powdered, he chases men and women, he says that his girlfriends are always jealous of his boyfriends, he is always trapped in love troubles and doesn't know where to go.I said that there are 800 million farmers in the country who are still worrying about how to become well-off. You are already a very happy person. He thinks I'm smart and interesting. He sees me with a quiet face and a ladylike buttoned sweater, but I often say "fuck".I didn't speak, but I thought in my heart who told you to be so beautiful and made me so nervous.I didn't like to speak foul words. "You have a lovely butt," he whispered in my ear.The music is too loud. At 2:30 in the morning, there was no moon in the sky, and there was a cold frost on the roof.The taxi drove through the city of Beijing, which looked huge on a winter night, like a medieval village. At 3 o'clock in the morning, we came to the apartment of another rock brother. The room was very big. The hostess was an old beauty. She used to be a well-known flesh and blood in the rock circle.The drummer surrounded a small greenhouse in the courtyard, and it is said that marijuana is being cultivated in the greenhouse.A group of people drink, listen to music, play mahjong, play computer games, dance, and talk about love. At 4:00 in the morning, some people start having sex in the warm bathtub of the owner's house, some are asleep, some are touching each other on the sofa, and the rest leave to eat ramen at a Xinjiang restaurant.I pulled Pu Yong's clothes, lest I get lost in night Beijing inexplicably. It's not fun and scary to be alone, because the air at this time is as cold as a knife. Flying Apple disappeared, and he was not among the people eating ramen together.I guessed five possibilities, one of which is that he has been occupied by someone else, or he has occupied someone else, who knows.He's always the pretty hunter or the hunted.Fortunately, I didn't leave him a phone number, otherwise I would be very unbalanced psychologically, as if abandoned.The me on Christmas Eve is the most boring and pitiful me of the year. At 5:30 in the morning, I took some medicine and fell asleep on the sofa at Park Yong’s house. The extremely quiet Schubert lyrical sketches were playing on the record player. The surroundings were quiet, and occasionally I could hear the sound of trucks on the main road outside. I couldn't sleep, and sleep left my body far away like a shadow with small wings, and what was left was a clear consciousness and a weak body.The gray darkness soaked me like water, and I felt swollen, light, and heavy.This illusion that I feel that I have entered another world is not particularly annoying. I don’t know whether I am a dead person or a living person. It’s just that I can still look at the ceiling and see the darkness around me with my eyes wide open. I finally held the phone, leaned on the sofa and called Tian Tian.He hasn't fully woken up yet, "Who am I?" I asked him, "It's CoCo... I called you, but you're not at home." He said softly, without a tone of reproach, as if he was assured that I would arrange well done. "I'm in Beijing." I said, my heart was seized by a sour and tired tenderness, I don't know how I am in Beijing at this moment, I am so impetuous, a restless heart is always floating Floating to and fro, never resting for a moment, so tired, so useless, sometimes even writing can’t give me a sense of security and satisfaction, nothing but flying around in a plane, only night insomnia, music, alcohol ,sex can't save me, lying in the center of darkness like a living dead just can't sleep, I think God will let me marry a good blind man, because all I see is darkness.I started crying on the phone. "Don't cry, CoCo, I will feel bad if you cry, what happened?" Tian Tian said in confusion, still not breaking out of the deep sleep under his drug hypnosis.He basically takes his medicine every night, and so do I. "It's nothing, my friends' concert was pretty good, I think it's very lively...but I can't sleep. I think I'm going to die with my eyes open...I don't have the energy to go back to Shanghai, and you're not in Shanghai, I miss you... ...when will I see you again?" "Come to the South, it's nice here...how's your novel?" As soon as he mentioned the novel, I fell silent. I knew that I would definitely go back to Shanghai and continue writing.Tiantian likes me like that, and I know that I can only be like that, otherwise I will lose the love of many people, including myself.Only writing can set me apart from other mediocre and annoying people, set me apart, bring me back from the ashes of the bohemian rose.