Chapter 14 14. The lover's eyes

those warm bodies flash together skin trembling In joy, the soul come happily — Allen Ginsberg I couldn't write a single word at night, and my mind was completely blank. A goshawk was flying around in the air, waiting for an opportunity to swoop down to prey, but I couldn't find any valuable inspiration. I have some hidden worries about this novel. I don't know how to hide myself from the readers to the greatest extent. In other words, I don't want to confuse the novel with my real life. The development of the plot of this novel will have some inexplicable influence on my later life.

I've always thought of writing as an act of unexpected suspense akin to witchcraft.The heroine is a girl who, like me, does not want to seek an ordinary life. She has ambitions and has two men, and her heart has never been peaceful.She believes in one sentence: like a leech sucking up the essence of life, including secret happiness, unknown harm, impromptu passion, and permanent yearning.Like me, she is afraid of going to hell after death. She can't watch movies, can't wear comfortable pajamas, and can't hear the sound of MoNo. She is so boring that she can't breathe. I smoked, walked the floor, turned up the volume on the record player, and even rummaged through the drawers to see if he had left any surprises.Finally, I found Mark's phone number in the address book. I hesitated whether I should call him. I just left every day, and I wanted to call another man. Thinking of this, I frowned.

But then I thought of two reasons. First, I don't love that man. He can't take Tian Tian's place in my heart. His face is full of desire.Second, he won't necessarily receive my call if he turns off his phone. So, I dialed a series of numbers, and there was a long dial tone on the other end of the phone.I was puffing out a cigarette and absently looking at the nails on my left hand. The nails were neatly trimmed and the fingers were pointed. In an instant, I saw my hands crawling on Mark’s body-building back, wriggling and provoking like two spiders. Fingering, hissing breath, the smell of sex hormones swirling all over the sky.

A woman's voice on the other end of the phone interrupted my hallucinations, "Hello!" she said. Startled, I instinctively said "Hello," and then I asked, "Is Mark there?" "He's in the bathroom, do you want to leave a message?" She spoke English with a strong German accent. I politely said no, I will contact him again.After I hung up the phone, a feeling of depression affected me. This German guy actually has a lover, and of course it may be his wife.He never talked about his private life, and I didn't ask.So far, we seem to be in a "fuck and fuck" relationship.

I lay depressed in the bathtub, surrounded by the scented bubbles of rose shower gel, and a bottle of red wine within reach of my right hand. This was my weakest moment, and it also made me the most narcissistic moment.I imagined that at this moment, a man pushed open the door of the bathroom, came over, lifted the foam and petals on the water surface, and excavated the ecstasy of the most secret place of my body like a treasure.See me trembling like a petal in his rough palm, crumpled to pieces, see my eyes wet with shame in the light, my lips open and close under the tide, my legs run along with joy The direction of creeping and opening and closing.

I suddenly missed Tian Tian, ​​who used his unique fingers to perform this kind of poetic sexual hypnosis on me over ordinary sensual desires countless times, yes, like a hypnosis that peels off layers of fog and reaches the center of love.I drink red wine with my eyes closed and touch the space between my legs, and the torment makes me understand why Alexander in "The Poisonous Sun" would choose to die in the bathtub. The phone rang suddenly, "Tian Tian," I called out in my heart, opened my eyes wide, leaned over and grabbed the microphone embedded in the wall on the right.

"Hello, I'm Mark." I took a breath, "Hi!" "You called me just now, didn't you?" he asked. "No!" I said, "I didn't make any fucking calls to you, I've been taking a shower lonely and happily..." I hiccupped and laughed. "My wife told me that a girl called while I was in the shower, and the accent was Chinese—I guess it was you." He seemed to have a winning chance, and I was sure I would miss him. "So you have a wife." "She just came from Berlin and came to Shanghai for Christmas, and she will go back in a month." He used a strangely comforting tone, as if I would be very sad about it.

"Isn't she busy? Hey, by the way, I remembered something. Have you changed the sheets? ... Guess you must have changed them, otherwise she would smell like a Chinese woman." I gently Laughing, I know I'm a little drunk, it feels good to be a little drunk, I think about everything very openly, when the clouds and mist clear, there is only light in front of me. At the age of 25, the ability to resist unexpected events is very strong. Even if he says now that he wants to break up with me or that he is going to Mars, it will not make me too desperate.Treat the relationship between me and him soberly, one is one, two is two, don't lose your way.

He also laughed, Christmas is coming, the company will have a long holiday, he hopes to have a chance to meet me, he calls me in Chinese, I guess his wife can't understand a word.Men always do bold things under the eyes of women. They will say "Loving you and being faithful to you are two different things." Most men are not used to monogamy. Fendai's Amorous History. He said that a reporter friend came from Germany a few days ago, and he wanted to introduce us. That friend planned to interview young women with personality in Shanghai. After all, dinner with a lover and a reporter isn't such a bad thing.Before going out that day, I dressed up in full makeup. I love the narcissistic feeling of drawing eyebrows, lips, and cheeks in the mirror. For this reason, I am willing to be a woman in my next life.Well-dressed without revealing traces, reserved yet capable of stunning in an instant, Shanghai women are born with this trait of scheming in small details.

According to the photo book, black is the lucky color of my zodiac sign. I am wearing a black turtleneck tights, a pair of boots with scary high heels, my hair is simply tied up into a bun, and I have an ivory tube inserted. silver chain.This attire gives me a sense of security, knowing that I am beautiful. The M on the bund restaurant on the Bund is a restaurant opened by a pair of Australian sisters who are known for their high prices and unappetizing food. The business is good. Foreigners who work in Pudong all come here to eat together. The two-meter-high lamppost , carved iron railings, and the restaurant is large and inappropriately arranged, but it may also conform to the strict and concise aesthetic taste of Mark and his nation.The only charming thing is the big balcony outside the restaurant, where you can lean on the railing and overlook both sides of the Huangpu River.

Mark’s journalist friend is named Lu Ande, with black hair and black eyes. His grandfather’s generation was an immigrant from Turkey to Germany. At the beginning we talked about football and philosophy. Although I feel a little inferior when talking about football with Germans, my country has no philosophy. Worse, Lu Ande worships Confucius and Lao Tzu. The former encourages him to travel all over the world to seek the eternal human truth, while the latter comforts him when he is suffering and lonely, a bit like morphine. At the suggestion of Lu Ande, I started to talk about my previous experience, including the novel collection that caused a strange response, and my understanding of the relationship between myself and my parents' generation, as well as my previous boyfriends. When I talked about it every day, I read Glancing at Mark, he was slicing up a piece of lamb leg with vegetable sauce and pretending not to hear. I said it very frankly, Tiantian is my only love, a gift from God to me, although I have always had a premonition that this is a hopeless love, but I don't want to and can't change anything, and I won't regret it until I die.When it comes to death, I don't think I'm afraid, I'm only afraid of being bored, so I write.My English is not very good, some words need to be translated by Mark, and Mark has been helping me seriously. Mark has been pretending to be just friends with me, but he still can't help but stare at me, and then make some jokes, such as when he was just learning Chinese, he always called "leather bag" as "foreskin", and one day he was going to ask My Chinese colleague touched his pocket halfway through dinner, and said awkwardly to his colleague, "I'm sorry, I didn't bring my foreskin with me." I laughed out loud. His three sentences were all jokes.His hands searched for my legs under the table, which was a risky move. In the novels I wrote, there were scenes of touching the wrong person under the table.But he found my knee without any mistakes, which made me itchy, and I couldn't help laughing, Lu Ande looked at my smile and said, "Just smile like this, I'll take some pictures for you." I asked Mark in Chinese: "Is this kind of interview not very good, just to satisfy a little curiosity of the Germans, the mysterious oriental country, young rebellious female writers and so on?" "No, no, I like your novel very much. I believe many people will respect you. One day your novel will be translated into German." After dinner, we went to Goya on Xinhua Road, a bistro known for over forty kinds of martinis, sofas everywhere, branch candlesticks, sexy floor-to-ceiling curtains, and absolutely hypnotic music.I like the owner here, a young and beautiful couple who came back from the United States. The hostess is called Song Jie, who can draw well. No amount of white powder can imitate. We ordered drinks separately, and I asked the bartender to change a disc. I knew they had Portishead's "Numy".For a while, Tiantian and I often came here to drink. This place is like an ancient ship sunk on the seabed. From time to time, a deep sleepiness presses down from the ceiling and presses on the head, making people intoxicated. The more we drink, the more we drink. The more I sit on the sofa, the more it sinks, and I can often smell the smell of anesthesia.From time to time, someone would fall asleep with their head tilted on the sofa while drinking, and then wake up, drink again, and sleep for a while, until the laughter of a beautiful woman came from somewhere, all in all, this is actually a very dangerous tenderness Township, where a person comes by car when he wants to lose some of himself for a while. I always run into some well-known people in the show business circle, painters, musicians, and media people in Shanghai. Even if they know each other, they just nod and say how are you?Mark sat next to me, talking to Luander in German, the language that cut me off from their world.I drink to my heart's content, it's good to drink with my neck back, I'll think of a swan in my dreams, I'm lost in sentimental and graceful emotions. Mark's hand came to say hello to my hip and waist calmly, and I suddenly saw my cousin Zhu Sha and a familiar man's face come into my field of vision.My eyes widened, she and Dick came in holding hands intimately, and within a second, they also saw me.They didn't show any abnormal expressions, but walked towards us quickly. Mark recognized Zhu Sha and called her by her English name, "Hi, Judy." After Zhu Shaxin moved to the German company, Mark became her boss.Hearing me introduce Zhu Sha as my cousin, Mark showed a surprised expression, "You are not alike at all," he said, "but you are both smart and charming girls." A subordinate, but also a cousin of his secret lover, which made him unprepared.I can imagine another way of him when he is at work, rigorous, serious, and meticulous, and he says nothing to the staff, and everything is done according to the regulations, like a well-oiled high-precision machine, such as the German clock on the wall of my residence that keeps time. error, reliable performance. Zhu Sha seemed to have guessed my relationship with Mark, she smiled at me and blinked.I noticed that she was wearing a G2000 waist jacket, slim and slim, like a model walking down from a Paris spring advertising poster. However, there was another thing that caught my attention. The pale and handsome painter Dick was with my cousin, holding hands. Obviously they were not ordinary friends. They looked like lovers, but where was Madonna? Music and alcohol make people drowsy, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, Zhu Sha and Ah Dick had already left, and Lu Ande also wanted to go back to the Galaxy Hotel where he was staying.Mark said to him, "Take you back to the hotel first," and he turned around and said to me, "Then I'll take you back." I might have really drunk too much. I leaned my head on Mark's shoulder, smelling the fragrance of flowers from the Nordic land and the faint body odor. This exotic and sexy body odor may be what moved me the most.The car dropped off Lu Ande after the Yinhe Hotel and drove towards my residence.I fell obediently in his arms, he was silent, blocks and street lights passed by outside the window, I think I still don't know what kind of role I am in his eyes, but it doesn't matter, he won't do it for me Divorce won't break my bankrupt for me, and I didn't give him all my light and all my heat. This is how life is, spending days and years in libido's release and the transfer of power between men and women. The car drove to my residence, and I admit that I was a little sad, and it is always easy to get sad after drinking.He got out of the car with me and went upstairs and I didn't say "no".When he started to take off my clothes, the phone rang, and I picked up the receiver, the voice of Tian Tian. His voice was distant and clear, and there was static hissing and meowing from the microphone from time to time. He said that he lived in a hotel near the sea. Affected by the economic crisis in Southeast Asia, housing prices and food were very cheap. It would be more than 200 yuan, and he was the only one in the medicated sauna. His voice sounded very happy. He said that the kitten string balls are also very good, and he plans to go swimming at the seaside tomorrow. I couldn't think of what to say to him. Mark picked me up and put me on the table next to the phone. I held the microphone in one hand and grabbed his shoulder with the other. Licking my pussy with my panties on, it made me so itchy that I felt powerless.I tried to keep my voice as natural as possible, and asked Tiantian how high the temperature was there, what kind of skirt the girl was wearing, and whether he had been to the coconut grove. Did anyone give him a bad idea? They don't have bad intentions - be careful with money and goods. Tiantian laughed and said that I was a skeptic even worse than him, I didn’t believe in anything, I thought the worst of everything, and I held a negative attitude towards life in my bones.Tian Tian’s words floated into my ears gently like feathers, and then melted. I didn’t listen to anything. His laughter made me feel that his ability to adapt to unfamiliar environments was better than I thought. His voice became Beethoven’s under the keys. The moonlight-like music prevented my inner chaos, and I only felt a kind of happiness welling up from the soles of my feet. This kind of joy of stretching muscles and bones is white, with the mellow fragrance of 100% pure milk, saying good night to me every day, in He kissed me loudly on the phone a few times. I put the phone down and Mark shot that thing up my skirt, so white and so much like 100 percent milk. There is a saying, "Love always needs taboos". Taboos are like the best aphrodisiac in the world. When I recalled many things in the past at Tiantian's funeral one day, I remembered this phone call experience, as if with some kind of symbol Meaning, it seems that Tian Tian is not someone else in my body, and Tian Tian came to me through a telephone line that spans thousands of miles. His whispers are in my ears, and his breathing and laughter are in the deepest part of my mind. Sensitive places, closing my eyes for the first time, I experienced the clear and strange physical feeling given to me every day, the light, rotten, hissing air current, a psychic feeling that cannot be told by ordinary people Baptism, I have always been very interested in the word "psychic", and I also experienced the strange synaesthesia of body and mind for the first time. I am determined to believe in the world's religions. The maddening thought seizes, that sooner or later I'm going to have a baby.In the foggy darkness a light wind lifted golden flowers, and a baby with wings suddenly flew out of the darkness, this man or that man, this time or that. When Mark left, I found the leather bag on the floor. When he first came to China, he always mispronounced it as "foreskin". The club's VIP card and a family photo, I found out that he not only has a wife with a good temperament and a charming smile, but also a three or four-year-old son with blond curly hair and blue eyes. like him. I opened my eyes wide and shook my head. They all looked very happy, which made others jealous. I kissed Mark's handsome face, and then without thinking, I took out a few coins from the thick stack of RMB in my leather bag. Zhang, put it in a book at random, anyway, he won't notice the lack of a few banknotes. After dealing with foreigners for a long time, you will know that most of the time they are as simple and clear as children. If you are interested, I will tell you right away, and at the same time, you are not careful, unlike some Chinese men who are always careful. In hindsight, I pondered the state of mind behind my thieving behavior. I think it may have been out of jealousy for the happy atmosphere of the family photo, and the subtle punishment of my German lover for letting him go without a trace. Throw away some renminbi in a state of awareness, and then long for me passionately. I have no hope for our relationship, and I don’t take any responsibility. Lust is lust. Only money and betrayal can strike at any time. The danger of turning from lust to love, it turns out that I have always been afraid that I will really fall in love with Mark, and I will never be able to do without this hot, exciting, and refreshing underground love. When Mark knocked on my door half an hour later, breathless, I handed him the Saint Laurent wallet, and he kissed me, pocketed the wallet, and turned, smiling, and hurried down the stairs. I watched him get back into the Buick from the balcony.The car quickly disappeared into the deserted streets in the middle of the night.