Chapter 9 Chapter Nine Enlightenment

The shadow game is still going on, but Yumo is listless.As soon as she was halfway through the script, she sat down on the chair and flipped through her script.Her eyes were a little confused, as if she couldn't understand what she had written.I didn't speak, and I sat back on the chair and watched her quietly, watching the time pass by.We are now like two kids waiting to get out of school, counting the seconds. Xiao Bai is still busy, he is so busy that he doesn't even have time to inspect us.I glanced at the peeling wall plaster in the corner of the treatment room. This is an antique building from the 1980s, and even all kinds of medical equipment are rare to keep up with the times.I don't know how long this mental hospital can last before it completely collapses. I only know that some people will stay there until the last moment of collapse.

I looked at Yu Mo, and Yu Mo looked at the script, and the time passed by like this. At four o'clock in the afternoon, the time was up, and I sent Yumo back to the ward.She was absent-minded as if she was thinking about something all the time, but only looked at the script in her hand from time to time, as if she felt that the script was very strange. I remembered what Xiao Bai said: "When the game will end, I don't care. It's up to Yu Mo to decide." I decided to ask him, Yu Mo seemed to think that the game should be over. When I returned to the male patient building, everything was as usual, and I didn't see Xiao Bai in the office.I guessed that he might be making rounds, but after waiting for a long time he still didn't show up, so I decided to look for him.I went up to the third floor, didn't see him, and then went up to the fourth floor.

The fourth floor is a place for the elderly. I don't want to come to this place at all.Most of the eyes here are dull eyes, and most of their eyes are facing the door. They hope that what appears at the door is their relatives.The first few rooms were four-person wards, and the latter were all eight-person wards.Eight beds are squeezed into one room, which can almost be regarded as bed by bed. I know why, the four-person ward is paid by family members, while the eight-person ward is maintained by the hospital itself.There is not even a single ward in this hospital, and several doctors share the same office, which is indeed at its limit.In several of the wards, several patients were playing cards.They have long since given up any hope for their loved ones, and they are here to retire in peace, waiting to die.

I turned around, but still couldn't find Xiao Bai.A nurse with a washbasin walked up to her, probably just after scrubbing the patient's body. I stopped her, "Where did Dr. Xiao go?" She sighed, "Dr. Xiao was attacked from behind by a patient, and his head was injured, so he went to get stitches." "What! Where is the injury? Is it serious?" I was taken aback. "The one in the middle of the parietal bone, I don't know if it's serious or not, it bleeds a lot..." She bit her lip and shook her head. "This... when did this happen?"

"One hour ago, it was Hao Dawei in room 116 on the first floor who called. At that time, Dr. Xiao was talking with his neighbor in the bed with his back turned. He suddenly raised a small table and threw it at Dr. Xiao's head. He kept shouting:' Murderer, murderer!'" I froze, Howard, that paranoid schizophrenic who had been playing the secret policeman.I thought this guy was very funny before, but who knew it would be so scary when he got sick.Isn't Xiao Bai very powerful, how could he be able to sneak attack all of a sudden, I thought no one could hurt him. Just when I thought of this, there was a loud noise from downstairs.Seemingly hearing the thin man's roar, I quickly turned around and ran downstairs.

Sure enough, the thin man and the seven patients beat up Hao Dawei, and more than a dozen male nurses and doctors couldn't stand it.The thin man was supported by several male guards, struggling, and cursing in his mouth: "How dare you hit Dr. Xiao! You bastard!" "Don't fight!" "He dared to hit Dr. Xiao! Kill him!" "No fight!" "He is a murderer! You have all been deceived by him!" "Say it again! Bastard!" ... The entire first floor is in chaos, people blocking fights, watching the excitement, taking advantage of the chaos...

A nurse quickly locked the iron door of the stairs leading to the second floor to prevent the situation from spreading to the whole building.If the commotion continues like this, something will happen. The first floor is full of critically ill patients who have just been admitted to the hospital, and they can't stand such a stimulus.Especially those who were forcibly sent to the hospital took advantage of this opportunity to smash the big iron gate. "Stop making trouble with the skinny man!" I yelled, the voice scared even myself, I actually yelled such a sentence subconsciously.

Everyone's eyes focused on me at once, and I was stunned after shouting.What to do next?I'm not Xiao Bai, I've never dealt with such a thing. The thin man stared at me for a moment, "Tang Ping, he broke Dr. Xiao's head! We're going to kill him!" He pointed at Hao Dawei. "He is a murderer! You have all been deceived by him!" Hao Dawei retorted relentlessly. "...You!" The skinny man was furious and wanted to rush forward again. "Skinny!" I yelled again, "This is Dr. Xiao's job, you are not helping him, you are making trouble for him, understand!"

The thin man stopped his attack. I knew he could understand, and the paranoid psychopath had most of his cognitive abilities. "Think about it for yourself. If you make such a fuss, Dr. Xiao will have to help you clean up the mess when he comes back. Maybe the hospital will hold him accountable and resign Dr. Xiao! Are you trying to harm Dr. Xiao?" Well!" I deliberately made the consequences more serious. The thin man thought for a while, gritted his teeth, gave Hao Dawei a look, and pointed at him, "If you dare to touch Dr. Xiao's hair again, we will kill you! You bastard!" Then he said to the other seven patients : "We won't make trouble for Dr. Xiao, we won't beat him!" The seven patients also nodded.

I didn't expect that I succeeded. It turned out to be just a few simple words.A mental patient can also be very rational, as long as he can understand what you say.I thought for a while, and then pointed to the patients who smashed the iron door, "If you really want to help Dr. Xiao, you and the male nurses should send these troublemakers to restrain them." The thin man nodded, and in turn helped the male guard clean up the mess, and a big commotion that was about to happen came to an abrupt end.I used to wonder how Xiao Bai did it, but now I understand.At that time, standing in that position, you will know what to do.

After ten minutes, everything subsided.I suggested to Dr. Wang not to restrain the thin people, and he agreed.I took the thin man and the eight of them back to the ward on the second floor, and told them to wait for Dr. Xiao to come back with peace of mind.They sat on their beds, not saying a word.I sighed, and turned to leave. "Tang Ping, have I...did I do something wrong again?" The thin man suddenly asked. I shook my head, "You're right. In fact, everyone is right, including Howard. What's wrong is this story, which shouldn't put you together." The thin man nodded half-understanding, I turned around and went back to my ward, and took out the cigarette case.Heroin came over, and I went to the door and looked at the corridor. There were no nurses, and the nurses were busy cleaning up the mess on the first floor.I also gave him one, and lit the heroin, "It's really good, Tang Ping, I didn't expect you to be so good! I was scared to death just now, and you settled it with a few words." I smiled wryly, "I was also scared just now, but luckily the skinny man listened to me." Heroin thought about it for a while, and said: "By the way, didn't the thin man hate Dr. Xiao the most before, why does he seem to be a different person after coming back this time?" "Because after going out for a trip, he understood a lot of things." I said with emotion, in fact, not only the skinny guy, but I also learned a lot. I don't know if Xiao Bai's injury is serious or not.I used to think that if something happened to this guy one day, I would definitely applaud.Unexpectedly, something happened to him now, and I am also worried about him.I used to think that this guy has a strong vitality, like a cockroach that can survive in any environment.It is said that if the head of a cockroach is cut off, it can live for nine days, and finally starve to death. Just as he was thinking, the zombie walked in and sat back on his bed.This guy also went to watch the excitement just now, and it seems that he has recovered well. He was an unshakeable character before.After a while, the fat man also came back, and he said as soon as he entered the door: "Tang Ping, you are amazing!" I smiled, Fatty speaks more and more concisely now.I doubt if Xiao Bai continues to treat him, will he become a rich master in the future.Calculating the time, I have been admitted to the hospital for more than two months, and I seem to have almost recovered after a course of treatment every three months. Strange, what kind of treatment did Xiao Bai give us?This guy doesn't seem to do much more than give us a few pills a day and talk crap with that sleazy smile on his face.Oh, by the way, and his messy "Xiaobai Therapy".God knows where this guy learned Mongolian medicine, it's all rotten stuff. Sometimes when I think about it, this guy is really suitable for this job.Because he is a lunatic himself, and only a lunatic can work in this environment with a smile on his face.In fact, he hides it very deeply, and only he knows the pain behind him. I used to look down on clowns all the time, draw a smiling face, and make others laugh like a fool every day.Now I think the clown is actually the most worthy of respect, because he has been burying his pain and bringing joy to others with that smiling face.That smiling face covered up everything, his happiness belonged to others, and only he could taste the bitter tears behind the mask. The thin man used to hate Xiao Bai the most, but Hao Dawei was actually the thin man in the past.The reason why the thin man became what he is today is because the thin man saw Dr. Xiao who took off his white coat.When Xiao Bai beat up ruffian before, he said that he was a doctor when he put on a white coat, and Xiao Bai when he took off the white coat.In fact, whether he wears a white coat or not is Dr. Xiao, Xiao Bai. I used to think that chance is a coincidence, but after I came here, I realized that chance is not just a coincidence, but also destiny. Luo Qi, Du Yiyue, Yu Mo, Tao Yao, Xiao Bai, me...everyone is inextricably related to me, and they each have subtle connections.This relationship can be established no matter where it is arranged, and this connection is so complicated that it has surpassed the three-dimensional structure. for example: Xiao Bai found Luo Qi by helping Ma Qianli, and then Du Yiyue, and we suddenly met here.Why did Luo Qi become a murderer? Because he and I have the same mean boss—Tao Yao!Yu Mo is Tao Yao's wife, and Yu Mo met me here through Xiao Bai. From this point of view, the psychiatrist Xiao Bai should be standing in the middle of the spider web, and our fate is intertwined through him. But it's the same if I'm in the middle of the spider's web, and it's all about me. It's even okay to put the dead Tao Yao in the middle of the spider's web, it's all because of him. If you want to complete this relationship structure diagram, I think you will collapse and admit defeat soon, because these relationships are too complicated to be expressed by any graphics. The key to all this is this dead man—Tao Yao.He is the boss of me, Luo Qi, and Du Yiyue, and also Yu Mo's husband.I haven't mentioned this before, have I?I even deliberately concealed this relationship many times, and I didn't even dare to mention this name. Don't blame me because I really can't tell, it's my secret.I've planned it, and I'll keep this secret locked in my heart and take it to my grave. So when I saw Yumo for the first time, I knew what was meant to be.Yumo is my destiny. Yumo is my crime, and it may also be my upcoming punishment. Xiao Bai came back around five o'clock in the afternoon, and I was in no hurry to find him.I know he must be busy for a long time once he hears that there is trouble in the building, but I still want to go and see him first, I don't know how he is hurt. I pretended to pass by the first floor inadvertently, and he was comforting the patients in the restraint room.I peeked in.His back was facing me, the back of his head was shaved in a Mediterranean style, and a large piece of gauze cotton replaced his hair.With three long white tapes, it looks like a mask is worn on the back of the head at first glance, which is quite funny. He pointed to Hao Dawei on the restraint bed, with a mean smile on his face, "You are really ruthless, if I am really a murderer, I will definitely kill you first!" Howard shrank back on the bed with a look of fear on his face. Hearing this sentence, I knew he was fine, he really had tenacious vitality like a cockroach.Whenever he can laugh so cheaply, laugh so disgustingly.I decided to go back to my room and wait for him. Sure enough, he didn't come out of the thin man's ward until after six o'clock.He walked to the door of my ward and gave me an appreciative smile: "Go! I invite you to dinner!" I glanced at him, then turned and pulled my lunch box from the table.This guy is not an ordinary picker. If you are invited to dinner, it must be a meal from the cafeteria. He smiled cheaply, "You really know me!" I shook my head speechlessly, and followed him to the cafeteria for dinner.I'm not too polite, chicken legs and wings are so expensive.When he handed in the meal ticket, he glanced at my lunch box and nodded: "Not bad, not bad, I can see that you have tried your best." I gave him a defiant smile, "Eat here?" "Come with me," he said. We went to the rooftop of the male patient building. "Why are you here?" I asked. "I want to see the sunset." He said, stuffing a mouthful of rice. I glanced at the mask on the back of his head, "How many stitches?" "Eight needles, I told the doctor not to numb the scalp, it hurts a lot." He grinned. "Have you ever learned martial arts, why are you so good at it?" I thought for a while and asked. He smiled wryly and didn't answer, but asked, "Do you know what we learned in the first lesson of our psychiatric pre-job training?" I shook my head, and he continued: "The first lesson is how to prevent and defend against sudden attacks and attacks by patients, including stopping and defense skills. How to restrain patients without harming them, including various emergencies processing and so on." "Do you still want to learn this?" I was stunned for a while, and then I nodded when I came back to my senses, "I really should learn, and I should learn more!" "Hahahaha!" He broke out into a burst of laughter, followed by a twitch on his face, and gently covered the gauze on the back of his head with his hands, probably because he touched the wound when he laughed. "Are you really not mad at Hadaway?" I asked. He smiled slightly sadly, "If anger can cure them, I will." Then he looked at me again and said, "But I should really thank you. Without you this afternoon, I really don't know what would happen." I shook my head, "I just imitated you." He raised his eyes to the setting sun that was falling in the west, "Do you still remember this place? Two months ago, you stood here thinking about the best posture for jumping off the building." I smiled wryly, "You can't even put me in a good mood when eating." "Did you know that your depression is almost healed. Next, you can gradually reduce the medicine to avoid withdrawal reactions." He swallowed a mouthful of food and said. "Then why am I still on the second floor? It stands to reason that I should move to the third floor." He smiled, "This regulation is not dead, the building is divided into wards, it's just to prevent patients in the same room from interacting and aggravating their condition." "That is to say, you have specially arranged for the patients in each ward?" I remembered and asked. He nodded, "The impact can be good or bad. For example, depression and mania are the best sexual intercourse, and paranoid schizophrenia together is the most dangerous intercourse." "I said why do you keep heroin in my neighbor's bed?" Sure enough, I guessed right, all of this was arranged by Xiao Bai, an old fox. He smiled, "Actually, I like manic patients very much, and they can help me treat many people. They are enthusiastic, enthusiastic, generous, with high emotions, and they specialize in treating all kinds of low-emotional mental illnesses, which are more effective than my doctor." "Where did you learn these messy medical skills? There is no doctor like you." I shook my head speechlessly. "I learned from this mental hospital that everything in this world has its own laws. Here I learned things that are not in books, and I learned how to let patients help each other to heal." He replied seriously. "So from the first day Yu Mo was admitted to the hospital, you targeted me, right?" I asked. He looked back at me with deep meaning in his eyes, "I know that Yumo is more than just sympathy for you. But I am only responsible for treating diseases, and the rest has nothing to do with me." "Oh, I was just about to tell you this, Yumo said that she doesn't want to continue your drama therapy and shadow games anymore." I changed the subject and said. He nodded, "It's a good thing, she finally decided to stop the game." "What next?" I asked. "We'll talk about it tomorrow." He swallowed another mouthful of rice and turned his gaze to the setting sun. A long time passed, I ate, and he ate too, without saying a word.He seemed to be waiting for my questions, as if he had brought me here on purpose, and everything he did in the hospital seemed to have a purpose of its own. "What is freedom?" I asked suddenly, knowing that he was waiting for me to ask this sentence. "There is no absolute freedom in this world, only relative freedom." He replied as if prepared. I sighed, "Isn't that person very tired to live, being bound by countless things all the time." He said in a deep voice: "Everything in this world is like this. From the moment of birth, most of the fate and future have been predetermined. This is the part that cannot be changed. For example, you have been doomed from the moment you were born to be a child." Man, born in an ordinary family, you have to abide by all kinds of written and unwritten rules in your life, and you will die one day... These things are already preordained and cannot be changed." "Then it's better to die and get rid of these shackles." I said, this was my true thought two months ago. He smiled and looked at me, "Dead? Then you have given up your only freedom." "What freedom?" I asked. "Most of your freedom to change your destiny and the future is already predestined, but there is still a small part to be determined. Your freedom is to create the future and change your destiny. These blank parts will be written by yourself. This is your freedom." he answered. "These are empty words. There is no freedom in life. You have to work and earn money to buy the material things in your life. Everything is done step by step, and everything is vulgar and old-fashioned. The only freedom for people is to bow to fate and surrender to Fate!" I retorted. "Do you know why you feel that you are not free? Because you want too much, and what you pursue exceeds the scope of your ability, so you have more and more shackles. In fact, we are all living in a cage, but you You have to carry the shackles on your back, don't you think you are not tired enough?" He asked with a smile. I was silent, and he continued: "It's like in this mental hospital, I just gave you a freedom in the hospital, but I have already made other patients angry with jealousy. Is this freedom? Not outside, but in Here is freedom." "Relative freedom..." I recalled this sentence. "Yes, relative freedom. You can't change the world, but you can change yourself, including the way you look at things. The world belongs to everyone, and it belongs to you, your world." There is a hint of Zen in his words. I don't know if I have realized it, but it seems that I understand something. "Actually, you can understand. It doesn't matter what I say, but what you think is the key. You are in charge of your own world, and whether your world is dark or bright depends only on your thought." He looked Looking at me, his eyes are full of wisdom, and those eyes are peaceful and peaceful. "But who can really calm down and not be shocked by favor or humiliation?" I said with a wry smile. He raised his right hand and shook his index finger, "It's wrong to have a calm mind, you should just let it be, understand?" He went on to say: "This life is a very interesting thing. You look at it from a distance, it is a mess. When you look closer, it is a lotus flower. Of course, you may only see the lotus under the lotus. mud, that’s because you got too close.” I recalled the Zen mechanism in his words, which sums up the Zen mechanism of a lifetime. "It's messy hemp, lotus, or silt, it's all in your mind. Whatever you want to see is what you want. Because this is your world, and it's up to you to rule." When I came back to my senses, he was looking at me. Say so with a smile. "But I only see mud, not lotus." I shook my head and said. "Because you take yourself too seriously and are self-centered, you get too close and only see your own pain. You try to distance yourself from yourself and look back at yourself. Soon you will You will find that those pains are actually nothing. You can’t close your eyes all the time, and then say that the world you see is only darkness. Of course, it’s up to you if you want to look at the mud, the mess, or the lotus. It’s up to you The world is up to you." His smile at this time was all-conquering, and his words struck my heart calmly and powerfully. I pondered for a while, "This is Buddhist Zen, do you believe in the cycle of life and death in this world?" He smiled, "This is my Zen, I am an atheist. I think people can only live once, and everyone has only one chance, so we must live a wonderful life. Suicide is the biggest waste, wasting the only The dead have no freedom, the corpse is at the mercy of others, and the story of his life is at the mercy of others, and he can’t even get up and curse back.” "What if reincarnation really exists?" I asked. "What if not?" he asked back. I was silent. He raised a finger, "Can you imagine what it would be like if you still had a mind after you died? You couldn't move, and you were imprisoned in the endless abyss of death. Watching your body gradually stink, maggots crawling towards you When you were dead, you couldn’t drive it away with a wave of your hand. And then you became a dry bone, maintaining a dead posture for thousands of years, and you could never move, because death has no end. At that time, you still think that death is liberation, is it Are you free?" His words made me shudder. I have never felt death so terrible. "While you are still alive, enjoy this rare freedom and create your wonderful. Remember, you only have this one chance, the only one!" he repeated. Then he walked to the side of the guardrail and opened his arms facing the sunset, took a deep breath, and said slowly as if he was enjoying something: "For me, being able to live is the greatest freedom, and it is also my freedom to be willing to see lotus flowers or mud. Choose to accept pain or happiness, it is up to me. In my world, I am the master, this is my freedom..." I looked at this man in a white coat with a funny "mask" on the back of his head.He stretched out his arms in the setting sun, with a smile of enjoyment on the corner of his mouth.The breeze lifted his white coat, and his shadow was infinitely elongated by the setting sun.At that moment, I felt that he was about to take off into the sky and fly to the blue sky of freedom. At that moment, I saw his freedom. This doctor imprisoned in a mental hospital, the freedom in his heart is so broad that it can accommodate everything in the world.That freedom has a terrible contagion, and it takes me to fly to the boundless sky. When my heart reached the sky, I looked back at the me on the rooftop.That I can only see a small black dot now, just a small black dot of the world in my eyes, so small.What happened to this little black spot, what misfortune it suffered, who is interested in knowing?He is just a grain of sand, a grain of dust in this world. What is his pain to the world?There are many people in the world who suffer more than him.Why is he so sad?Because he took himself too seriously, thinking that his pain was greater than the sky and deeper than the sea.Look at this ridiculous and pompous man, he's just a speck in the world. Looking at the little black dot, suddenly I understood, I laughed, I realized... Last night was the sweetest sleep I've ever had. I had no dreams and woke up with bright light.I seem to let go of many things in a flash, many things that I have been carrying on my back.In fact, I'm still carrying them now, but I can no longer feel their weight on me. Xiao Bai is the most indefinable person I have ever met. He has many facets, and I don't think even he can fully understand himself.But one thing is certain, he is a good doctor, and a very good psychiatrist, with a set of unruly but effective treatment methods.I don't know if the words he said to me last night were psychotherapy, but they were engraved in my heart every word, and they woke up my soul. He went out at noon and came back with a bunch of light bulbs and tinfoil.He walked to the door of my ward, "Tang Ping, come help!" "Oh!" I know that these things must have something to do with Yu Mo, and sometimes I can find some patterns in what this lunatic does. Sure enough, when we came to the treatment room in the female patient building, he began to install light bulbs in the four corners of the room one by one.After installing it, he circled the bulb with tinfoil.Looks a bit like a searchlight, don't know what he's up to.Anyway, I have long been used to this madman's lack of rules. Then he started to connect the wires. He combined the switches of these light bulbs together and brought them to the desk.After doing all this, we went to eat and take a lunch break. He woke me up at 2:30 in the afternoon, "Let's go, exorcise Yu Mo!" I froze for a moment, quickly washed my face and went to the female patient building with him.On the way, he repeatedly explained to me: "Wait a minute, no matter what happens, no matter how Yu Mo reacts, you must not help her. All you have to do is cooperate with me and help me stabilize Yu Mo!" I nodded seriously. I knew that whatever this guy did to his patients had his own unique therapeutic purpose.In fact, his treatment method has long been said: "It doesn't matter what I say or do, what you think is the key!" What he wants is the result of treatment, the process and method are just means, what he wants is the final result of treatment.It can be said that when treating patients, he is a madman who will do whatever it takes to achieve his goal. After arriving in the treatment room, he closed the curtains and blackout curtains, and the whole room was pitch black.After he turned on the light tube, he said to me: "Bring Yu Mo. Remember what I said, no matter what happens in a while, don't help Yu Mo." I nodded, and when I went to Yumo's ward, she just woke up.I pushed the curtain and took her to the treatment room, still feeling uneasy, not knowing what treatment Xiao Bai was going to give her. "Doctor Xiao..." Yu Mo greeted carefully, because Xiao Bai's attitude towards each patient is different.I said the guy is a good actor and for therapeutic purposes he has a different identity and attitude to each patient.He is a bit like a friend to me, and he is a high-ranking expert to Yu Mo, so Yu Mo is a little in awe of him. "Well, you stand here." Xiao Bai sat halfway on the desk, and pointed to the center of the treatment room.Then he motioned for me to close the door. Yu Mo walked over, Xiao Bai looked at her for a while, "You asked Tang Ping to tell me that you don't want to continue this shadow game anymore, right?" Yu Mo nodded, Xiao Bai asked: "Why? Didn't you have a good time at first?" "I... I just don't want to play anymore." Yu Mo bit her lip and replied. "Speak your truth, it will be of great help to your treatment. Tell me, why don't you want to play anymore?" Xiao Bai continued to ask. Yu Mo hesitated for a while, then said: "I think this game is childish, ridiculous, ridiculous..." "Why do you think it's ridiculous? Isn't this what happened to you in the past?" Xiao Bai asked seriously. "I used to think it was true, but now I am playing this game, especially after replaying the script, I realize that writing those scripts is very difficult. It stands to reason that if these things really happened, I should write It's smooth. But I'm having such a hard time writing it that I even have to make up something myself to fill in the plot. I think it's really ridiculous, I think I'm ridiculous, how can this happen. I'm like You confuse fantasy with reality, and take fantasy as reality." Yu Mo said in one breath. Xiao Bai gave Yu Mo an appreciative smile, and then asked: "What is illusion, what is reality?" Yu Mo shook his head, "I don't know..." "You know, you just don't want to admit it." Xiao Bai said with certainty. "But I really don't know what is illusion and what is reality. I don't know which things in my mind are real and which are fake." Yu Mo covered his head with his hands in pain. "No, in fact, you have always known that this is your illusion!" Xiao Bai suddenly pointed at the ground beside Yu Mo. There is nothing there in my eyes.Yu Mo was stunned for a moment, looked at it for a while, and suddenly let out an exclamation.When Yu Mo had this reaction, I also saw what Xiao Bai was pointing at, which was a faint blurred shadow—the shadow of Yu Mo.I didn't go to dissuade Xiao Bai, because he explained to me beforehand. Yu Mo subconsciously wanted to dodge, "Don't move!" Xiao Bai shouted like an order: "Look at it! Look at your illusion!" Yu Mo folded his hands tremblingly, looking at the faint shadow in fear. "Did you know? Since you and Tang Ping played this shadow game, I secretly removed a light tube from the ceiling every few days. Your shadow has also changed from completely invisible to gradually visible. You What are you afraid of? You and your shadow have been playing games with Tang Ping here for nearly a month, why are you afraid until now?" Xiao Bai asked coldly. Yumo stared at the shadow on the ground, "Actually... Actually, I understand in my heart that a shadow is a shadow, but I'm still afraid... Every time I see my own shadow, I can't help being afraid, even I can't help it." The fear of control..." Xiao Bai shook his head, "The shadow is always there, whether you are hiding in the dark or under the illumination of countless lights. You just can't see it, but the shadow is always by your side." "I... I just don't want to see it. I won't be afraid if I don't see it." Yu Mo replied tremblingly. Xiao Bai sneered, "If you can't see it, it's gone? If you blame yourself deeply, will Tao Yao come back to life? If you escape from reality and don't face it all, can you forget it all? " Yu Mo was stunned, because she didn't know why Xiao Bai suddenly turned a corner and mentioned Tao Yao. "Actually, what you suffer from is not a phobia, but a post-traumatic stress disorder. What you fear is not the shadow, but everything that happens suddenly. What you dare not face is the fact that has already happened——Tao Yao You blamed all this on your own shadow, because you thought you killed your husband! You think you should be blamed for Tao Yao’s death, if he hadn’t peeled an apple for you to eat with a knife, the gangster would not have Take the opportunity to grab that knife and kill Tao Yao!" Xiao Bai said in an extremely sure tone, which was so strong that the other party could not deny it at all. Yumo stayed there, "I...I..." In the end, she still didn't say anything, but the tears had already flowed down her cheeks drop by drop. "So you fled to the illusion and hid, and blamed yourself deeply in the illusion, thinking that all this was caused by your own shadow. Now, Yu Mo, look at your shadow, look at your illusion." Xiao Bai's tone suddenly softened, and he pointed to Yu Mo's shadow on the ground. Yu Mo obediently looked at his own shadow, but his eyes were no longer as fearful as before, most of the fear had been replaced by sadness. "Yumo, look at your shadow, look at your illusion. Tell me, what is reality? What happened in reality, was it the shadow or the gangster who killed your husband Tao Yao?" Xiao Bai continued to ask. "You...don't you know?" Yu Mo shook his head in pain. "No! I want to hear it from you. Tell me whether it was a shadow or a gangster who killed your husband!" Xiao Bai said seriously. "Yes...it was a gangster, a gangster dressed in black...it was a gangster who killed Tao Yao..." Yu Mo knelt down helplessly, covering his face with his hands, weeping uncontrollably. When I heard this sentence, I felt uneasy all over my body, and I also thought of that night.That night I wore all black; that night I went crazy with rage and shame; that night my eyes were red like a devil; that night I changed my life; that night I committed an irreparable crime Sin - Yumo. That night I saw Yu Mo for the second time, and it was the third time in the mental hospital. The first time was at... I can't say any more, this is my forever secret.I'm taking this secret to my grave... "Yes, the gangster in black. Guided by your own blaming feelings, you turned him into a shadow—your own shadow! And generalized all this to your whole life. You fled into illusion , I don’t want to face all this, and I keep blaming myself in vain.” Xiao Bai sighed. Then he suddenly flicked the switch, turning off all the light tubes and turning on all four bulbs at the same time.四个被锡纸包装成探照灯的灯泡亮起，四道笔直灯光齐齐照向治疗室正中的雨默，投射出四个角度的影子——雨默的影子一下变成了清晰的四个。 我以为这个时候雨默应该会被惊吓得无以复加，但雨默只是呆呆地望着自己的影子，任凭热泪不断地从眼中涌出。她的悲伤已经取代了所有的恐惧，这就是萧白的真正目的——引出她真实的悲伤，取代她虚幻的恐惧！ “雨默，看着你的虚幻，你的影子。你明白了么？其实你一点都不恐惧自己的影子，你恐惧的是发生的这一切，你责怪的是你自己。现在这痛彻心扉的悲伤才是你的真实，你的恐惧只是虚幻，你的虚幻就是你的影子。”萧白又重申了一次，让雨默真正明白过来。 接下来萧白不再说话了，只是静静地看着雨默哭泣。我很想过去帮她一把，哪怕给她递一张纸巾。但萧白已经一再交代过我，我只负责稳住雨默。 不过萧白的治疗确实高明，他顺利地将雨默的恐惧过渡到了悲伤。我回想了一下萧白的那些稀奇古怪的治疗，看似无章可循，乱七八糟。其实每一步都高明得很，而且衔接到位，不快不慢刚刚好。 刚开始的影子游戏，看似就是在玩一个非常简单的游戏。其实就是为了通过游戏淡化雨默对影子的抗拒和恐惧，就好比老鼠和米老鼠一样。孩子们都害怕老鼠，但换个滑稽可爱的米老鼠就不一样了。他们会因为喜欢米老鼠，而渐渐淡化对老鼠的恐惧。 当萧白观察到雨默已经不再那么抗拒和恐惧自己影子的时候，开始进行戏剧疗法。通过写剧本和演绎的方式，让雨默自己去觉悟，去感受自己妄想幻化的荒谬和可笑。这两个游戏次序不能颠倒，因为如果一开始就进行戏剧疗法的话，雨默肯定会因为太恐惧影子而抗拒。 还有穿插在这两个游戏中的灯管偷减，这其实是一种不知不觉间的脱敏治疗。用游戏转移雨默的注意力，让影子逐渐出现在她的生活中，这种出现可以说是难以察觉的。连我都没有发现灯管在逐渐减少，我只记得之前我一直在怪这个家伙推卸责任，丢出两个游戏拖着雨默的病赚治疗费。 然后是这个心理治疗，短短的几段话其实合并了精神分析、认知、阐释……多种心理疗法。让雨默明白自己恐惧影子的真正原因，引发出她内心的悲伤，并用悲伤来代替和对抗恐惧。最后再进行瞬间出现多个影子的暴露冲击疗法，让雨默暴露在让她恐惧，而且强度更大的环境中。这一切都很顺利，萧白早就算好了每一步，而且是无懈可击的每一步。 我不知道别的精神科医生是怎么治病的，但萧白的医术已经让我大开眼界。他有自己的一套独特疗法——萧白疗法。集各家之所长，融会贯通于对病人的治疗中。精神和躯体同时下手，不再拘泥于过去的理论和常规治疗手段。他的目标就是疗效，他的治疗不择手段，甚至病人的怪罪和误解他都完全不放在心上。 萧白是一个完全无法定义的疯子，他的医术也因此潇洒得一塌糊涂。 雨默就这样在四个影子的陪同下哭泣了整整一个小时，萧白一直半坐在办公桌上静静地看着，什么也不说。显得冷酷无情，这就是他想给雨默的身份——高高在上冷酷无情的专家。 我不知道这是为了什么。反正他为了治疗雨默的病，还事先通知过雨默的家人，让她家人尽量少来看她。给雨默营造一个无依无靠的环境，就连他自己在雨默面前也是不苟言笑，一脸严肃。反正他肯定有自己的理由，可能他正是想通过这种方式让雨默独立坚强起来。 一个小时之后，萧白终于开口了，“雨默，告诉我，现在你分清什么是虚幻，什么是真实了吗？” 雨默抹了抹眼泪，“是的……萧医生，我分清了。” “你愿意从这个梦中醒来了吗？”萧白问。 雨默点了点头。 “你还会害怕你的虚幻吗？”萧白指着雨默的影子问。 雨默摇了摇头。 萧白终于站了起来，抽出一张面巾纸递给雨默，给了她一个鼓励的微笑，“很好，你做得非常好！你是个坚强的姑娘，你敢于面对这一切，这非常不易。” 然后他又给我丢了个眼神，让我过去将雨默搀扶起来。 萧白望着雨默，鼓励着她：“把眼泪擦干吧，一切都会成为过去。无论什么事，只有面对它、正视它、接受它，最终才能真正放下它。明白吗？” 雨默点了点头，“谢谢你……萧医生，我好像一下想明白了很多。” “嗯，你是个有悟性的姑娘。你很聪明，我知道你能听懂我的话。”萧白点了点头，接着说道：“和唐平出去晒晒太阳吧。” 雨默点了点头。走到门口的时候，她下意识地将手伸向挡帘，又顿在半空中，接着自嘲地摇了摇头。 窗口的阳光倾泻在走廊里，雨默站在光与暗交汇的边缘。她深吸了一口气，又深吸了一口气，突然一把拽住我的手。我知道她需要勇气，朝她点了点头，“来吧，第一步！” 没想到她那柔若无骨的小手劲这么大，将我的手狠狠捏了一把，才跨出了第一步。她的影子随着她的躯体，丝毫不差地出现在阳光之中。她站在光明的地方，看了一会儿自己黑暗的影子，“阳光真暖。”她说。 我抽出被拽得生疼的手，用力地甩了甩，点了点头，“嗯。” 萧白站在门口双手抱臂地看着这一切，他笑了笑，“你们出去走走吧，我还有活儿要忙。” 我和雨默一起走出女病号楼，走到阳光底下。这所精神病院里没什么风景可看，大铁门，水泥路，两旁是草地，草地上连花都没有。我和雨默在草地旁坐下，雨默揉了揉眼睛，“好久没见阳光了，一下感觉好刺眼。” “但阳光很暖，不是吗？”我说。 雨默点了点头，“痛痛快快哭了一次，感觉心里舒服了很多似的，很奇怪的感觉。” “哭也是一种情绪上的释放吧，有时候痛痛快快哭一场没什么不好。”我说。 “你哭过吗？”她问。 我一愣，“谁没哭过啊？婴儿从出生就会哭。” “我说长大以后。”她说。 我摇了摇头，“男人是不能哭的，男人的眼泪只能往心里流。” “难道哭是女人的特权？”她问。 我认真地点了点头，她歪起小脑袋看了我一会儿，“那你最痛苦的时候会干什么啊？” “弄死我自己，或者弄死别人。”我下意识地答道，然后我自己都愣住了。 雨默撇了撇嘴，“你们男人真可怕！” “我开玩笑的……”我赶紧说道。 她斜了我一眼，“有这么可怕的玩笑吗！” 我干笑了几声以掩饰心中的不安。 沉默了一会儿，雨默突然想到什么似的说道：“我知道为什么男人不能流泪了！” "Why?" I asked. “男人要是也会流泪，那女人的眼泪就不珍贵了，他就不会心疼女人的眼泪了呀！”她天真地歪着小脑袋说。 “哦，原来如此！”我认真地点头回应道。 她看了我一会儿，无奈地摇了摇头，“有时候我真不知道你是真呆还是假呆。” “我……我怎么了？”我一愣。 “我刚刚讲了一个笑话，你应该笑起来才对！”她有点生气地撇了撇嘴。 “哦！哈哈哈哈哈！”我赶紧大笑了几声。 她又白了我一眼，“笑得真假。” I was silent because I didn't know what to say.我们就这样抬头望着天边慢慢挪动的云，享受着这个精神病院的下午，连沉默都暖洋洋的。 “你信感觉吗？”雨默突然问道。 我叹了口气，“我不知道该不该信。” “我信。”她说，“你给我的感觉很特别，第一眼看到你就有一种由来已久的熟悉感。仿佛你就一直住在我家隔壁，一墙之隔，我从没见过你，却知道你一直就在那边。” “我知道，其实你早就认识我。”我说。 她愣了愣，“是吗？什么时候？” “在……前世吧，可能。”我将这个话题拐了个方向。 她歪了歪小脑袋，看了看天，“前世？真的有前世么，前世我们又是什么样子的？” “前世……你是一只小白兔。”我说。 “你呢？”她问。 “我是一只小老鼠。” “我讨厌老鼠。” “嗯，所以你一直躲着我。” “然后呢，没有故事吗？” “在想。” “想出来没？” “有一天，贪玩的小白兔落入了猎人的陷阱，被猎人关在笼子里带回了家中。小老鼠就一直住在猎人的家中，小老鼠和小白兔就是在那里第一次相遇的。” “小老鼠救了小白兔吗？” “没有，小老鼠只管偷吃，对这一切漠不关心。” “果然，老鼠就是讨厌，就会偷吃！” “但猎人的家中有一只猫，很威武的猫。小白兔喜欢上了那只猫，猫也隔着铁笼一直和小白兔说着绵绵情话，它们对彼此都有好感。小老鼠就趁着它们在热恋的时候继续偷吃，偷了很多很多吃的。” “后来呢？小白兔怎么样了？” “小白兔被猎人养了一段时间，入冬了，猎物少了。小白兔也已经长大了，猎人准备杀了小白兔做一顿丰盛的晚宴。” “啊！那猫会不会救小白兔啊？” “不会，猫的主人是猎人。只要猎人还在，就会带回更多的小白兔，小白兔对猫来说不过是打发时间的一个玩伴。” "Ugh……" “就在前一天晚上，小老鼠幸灾乐祸地跑到小白兔的铁笼前说：'嘿，你明天就要被杀了。'小白兔说：'滚开，讨厌的丑东西！猫会救我的，他是我的王子！他不会让任何人伤害我的！他也会杀了你，用他锋利的爪子切开你的喉咙！'” “小白兔真傻。” “小老鼠也是这么想的，所以它嘲讽地笑了笑，回到老鼠洞里美美地睡自己的觉。它知道猫一点都不在乎这个，猫还等着猎人做好晚餐后能分一杯羹呢。” “然后呢，小白兔怎么样了？” “第二天下午，厨房里传来了磨刀声，一声一声地刺着小老鼠的耳膜。它钻出洞口小心地打量了一下四周，猫也在厨房里，所以它决定再去看看小白兔。它来到小白兔的铁笼边，看了看缩在角落里发抖的小白兔，心中浮起了一种前未有过的感觉，突然间它想帮帮小白兔。” “小老鼠这是怎么了，它不是对一切都漠不关心的吗？” “不知道，反正小老鼠就是想帮帮小白兔，所以它朝小白兔小声说道：'别怕，我会救你的。'小白兔看了它一眼说：'滚开，救我的是我的王子，不是你！'小老鼠想了想，说：'其实就是猫叫我来救你的，他负责在厨房看住猎人，我来咬开拴住铁门的绳子。'” “小白兔相信了是吗？” “嗯，她信了。小老鼠咬断了绳子，打开了铁笼。它对小白兔说：'猫让我转告你，让你快逃，逃了就不要回来了。他只想你过得幸福快乐，只要知道你是幸福快乐的，他就会很开心。'” “然后呢，小白兔也相信了对吗？” “小白兔流下了热泪，她觉得猫对她真好。她朝厨房恋恋不舍地看了一眼，然后转身逃了，空中飘荡着她幸福和痛苦的热泪。小老鼠站在门边看着逃跑的小白兔，脸上挂着一丝幸福的笑意。就在这时候猫从它背后猝不及防地扑了上来，狠狠地将它的身体撕碎，小老鼠是脸上带着笑死去的……幸福的笑。” “不要！我不要这个结局！我不要！”雨默抓着我的肩膀，泪水在眼眶中打转，她摇着我的身子，“不要这个结局好不好，换一个结局，换一个圆满的结局。” “傻丫头，这不过是个故事。”我说。 “故事也不要，我不要这个结局，换一个结局。”她说。 “可我已经讲完这个故事了，还怎么换呢？”我问。 “小老鼠爱上了小白兔是么？”她突然问。 “不知道，连小老鼠都不知道自己是不是已经爱上了小白兔。” “小白兔呢，小白兔后来知道小老鼠为她做的这一切么？” “不知道，故事已经完了。故事的最后小白兔还是对猫的爱深信不疑，猫一直是她心中的王子，她的幸福和感动与小老鼠一点关系都没有。” “我不喜欢这个故事！”她揉了揉眼眶里的泪。 “这不过是个故事而已……”我安慰道。 “我讨厌你！我更讨厌你这个故事！”她突然站了起来，小手握拳，朝我大声喊道。然后一转身逃回了女病号楼。 我看着她的背影，她就像那只逃跑的小白兔，跑得那么惊慌失措，那么令人心悸。 呆坐在那儿的我，就像一只小老鼠。 故事里的人说了一个故事，那是故事里的事。故事里的人不知道，这其实都是同一个故事。是还是不是？故事里的事。