Chapter 2 Chapter 2 Life and Life

We were all born crying because we knew how hard it would be to survive. Later, we often hid in the dark, counted the sorrows, and counted the despair.Then, suddenly, a light appeared in the sky, and we stared at that light and smiled unconsciously.So, a new day begins, and this is life. In the following days, I finally truly experienced the horror of the mental hospital.Because my suicidal desire was getting stronger and stronger, Dr. Xiao decided to give me electroconvulsive therapy.Electroconvulsive therapy, also known as electroconvulsive therapy after improvement.As the name suggests, it is to stick two electrodes coated with conductive glue on your brain, and shock you under low voltage for a few seconds to tens of seconds, until you have convulsions all over your body.If there is tolerance and no convulsions, one more time.

Before the treatment, some anesthetic drugs will be injected to reduce the pain and accidental damage caused by convulsions, but I am still conscious.I feel like I'm on death row in the electric chair, on final judgment.I don't know what the scientific basis for this treatment is, but I think it does work.Because every time after being shocked, my mind went blank, I seemed to have died, and I felt the safety of death. I feel like my sins are being washed away, like a prisoner sentenced to death, I get a fair trial.After my first ECT, I wrote a sentence on the wall next to my bed: If we were as safe as death, we would not be sad anymore...

I am in ward 102. There are four floors in the male patient building. Those who have just been admitted to the hospital and those who are in trouble live on the first floor because they need intensive care.Just like prisoners who have just entered the prison, they are not allowed to turn off the lights when they sleep, and they have to sleep with their faces outside, so that the prison guards can see their faces at any time, because new prisoners like to find trouble and escape the prison.The same is true for mental patients. In the first few days after they were admitted to the hospital, all they thought about was how to fight against the doctor and escape from the hospital.

The monitoring on the first floor is the most powerful, and nurses and doctors will come to check the room every fifteen minutes.The little nurse came and went even more, as if she had endless things to do.They seem to walk by casually, but in fact their eyes are very careful, scanning every corner of the ward in detail, the most important thing is to look at your expression. They can catch a lot of things from your expression, and most of the nurses in charge of guardianship on the first floor are very experienced.Basically, the tricks played by the patients cannot escape their eyes.Once I was sitting on the bed in a daze, when suddenly several male guards rushed in and surrounded the thin man in the same room, the one who took the lead ticked his fingers at the thin man: "Hand it over."

The thin man looked at them blankly, "What?" "The spoon! If you don't hand it over, I'll throw you to the restraint room!" the male nurse said in a deep voice. The thin man muttered for a while, then consciously took out the stainless steel spoon from the pillow.The handle end of the stainless steel spoon has been ground into a sharp triangle by him, and the edge is sharp and cold.In this building, this spoon can do many things, many unexpected things. I've been on the ward with this guy for almost a month and I didn't even know he was making this spoon, I hadn't even seen the spoon, how did the nurses find out?God knows, maybe they can read minds or not.

The mental hospital is also like a prison, with iron doors and windows everywhere, and every doctor and nurse has the same set of keys.Moreover, the intensive care wards are generally not allowed to close their doors.My ward is like this, they are afraid that I will close the door and continue to think of new tricks to kill myself.There are four beds in this ward, except for me who is depressed, and the rest are manic, schizophrenic and paralytic dementia.However, these three patients are not violent, which makes me more relieved. I think this was deliberately arranged by Dr. Xiao, because the only thing these three patients have in common is that they can make trouble.

The thin man is paranoid with schizophrenia, has very serious delusions of being persecuted, and stares at others with a pair of light bulb-like eyes every day.When I got sick, I scolded the air, and sometimes defended myself, as if I was confronting some village committee secretary.Words such as the Party Central Committee, Public Security Bureau, Procuratorate, etc. will pop up at every turn.He also said that the secretary had been following him all the time, had installed surveillance cameras in this ward, and even monitored him when he went to the bathroom. He said he made the spoon to protect himself in case the clerk sent someone to assassinate him.I've seen it in movies, it's about persecution paranoia like skinny people.The protagonist fought with a group of enemies for a long time, and when he woke up, he realized that all his family members were killed.

Fatty is a middle-aged man with paralytic dementia.He is actually very interesting. His characteristic is that his thinking is stagnant, but his associations are extremely rich and his language is cumbersome.If you ask him a word, he can answer you a long paragraph, and he will not stop until he finishes speaking. for example: "how old are you?" "I'm fifty years old. I've lived and died for ten years. I don't think about it. I can't forget it. I'm lonely for a thousand miles, and there's no place to talk about it. When the weather is hot, we like to eat watermelon. Watermelon is delicious with sand... My son also I like to eat, my son works in Beijing, Beijing is good. I love Beijing Tiananmen, the sun rises on Tiananmen..."

The last one was manic, in his twenties, I nicknamed him Heroin, because he was like a drug addict who was loaded with stimulants.There are slight auditory hallucinations and delusions, and occasionally it seems to be talking happily with someone.He goes to bed very late every night and wakes up very early. When he gets up, he will go to the window sill and take a deep breath: "What a beautiful morning, patients, get up and do morning exercises!" In fact, the sun hadn't even risen at that time, and sometimes he talked like a machine gun, dancing and crackling, and I couldn't understand a word.I asked him how he got the disease, and he answered me very proudly that he wanted to come in and live for a while to relax himself.

He is characterized by arrogance and a very good sense of himself, but he is not very annoying.He seems to be interested in everything, and he even said that the mental hospital is actually a beautiful and comfortable place.He also gave us the fruits sent by his family, and said very generously: "Patients, we are brothers when we meet here, why don't we come to Jinlan for friendship!" Mania and mania are two different things.Mania is like a stimulant like heroin, as long as you don't provoke him, he won't do anything too out of order.Mania, on the other hand, most of the time refers to a state, a dangerous moment of angry outbursts in the patient.In the manic state, the patient will lose his mind and appear violent and aggressive behaviors, which can only be restrained.

I still feel that this was deliberately arranged by Dr. Xiao. These three patients were placed next to me. Let alone I want to be alone for a while, it is difficult for me to sleep for a while.And Heroin is very concerned about me, because I'm the only one who can talk to him normally in this ward.As long as I have the slightest sign of suicidal thoughts, he will report to Dr. Xiao, who is more responsible than nurses.I think in his eyes, life seems to be full of sunshine, and beauty is everywhere. I don't know why he would turn into a mental illness like this. I heard Dr. Xiao say that depression and mania belong to the same category - mood disorders.It turns out that being too excited and too sad will become a disease, a disease that even we cannot control.I think these two diseases should be summed up in two words, one is that extreme joy produces sorrow, and the other is that sorrow leads to death. I still kept silent to Dr. Xiao's question, no matter what he asked, I would answer with silence.I've seen movies where those psychiatrists will find your crux in these problems and know what to do to treat you. On the seventh day, Dr. Xiao didn't ask me any more questions. He just sighed and said, "Tang Ping, no matter what kind of mental illness, it is not the doctor or the medicine that can really cure the disease, but the patient himself. Patients have a common motto - I firmly believe that no doctor in this world can cure my disease, except myself." I'm still silent, but I agree with him because I don't want to be cured at all.I just want to kill myself quickly and end this shitty life. Dr. Xiao looked at me, and then said: "It's like a cold. In fact, no cold medicine can really kill the cold virus. The role of cold medicine is to activate the human's own immune system, and the body's own immune system can eliminate it. Cold virus. I am the same, I can only play a supporting role, if you are not willing to open your heart, I cannot help you." Then he walked to the window and looked at the scenery outside the window.There was a layer of something in his eyes that I couldn't understand, like sadness, like loss, more like a kind of loneliness.I can't interpret this loneliness because I don't know why he is alone.Many times I can see his smile, this is the first time I see his loneliness, I even feel that he is more lost than me at this moment. In fact, there is very little psychotherapy in mental institutions, because most of the patients here are not cognitively capable.They live in their own world, haunted by hallucinations and delusions, and can only bring them back to the real world step by step through drugs.Initial psychological and behavioral therapy is initiated only after cognitive abilities have been restored. There are four resident doctors, three attending doctors, and one chief doctor in the male patient building.In the male patient building, there are more than 200 patients, and the doctors are completely overloaded.Moreover, the attending doctor and chief doctor have to help manage some patients in the women's ward, and the workload is unimaginable.This mental hospital is considered the best in our city, because this is the only professional mental hospital in our city, and the others are general hospitals.Through their salaries, I can more or less guess the reason, because I really can't afford to hire more doctors. Dr. Xiao specializes in taking "critical" patients like me, so he is the hardest one. The doctors and nurses in mental hospitals are very miserable, and their wages are so low that I can't believe that they are also a member of the high-income medical team.The pain of income is only one aspect, and the more terrible thing is the pain of work.Especially when caring for critically ill and aggressive patients, it is said that there is no doctor or nurse in a mental hospital who has not been beaten by a patient. Doctors and nurses serve the patients like their own children. Some patients with confrontational emotions even make things difficult on purpose, dragging saliva and feces on the bed.The nurse could only endure the stench and clean up one by one. The patient would clap his hands and laugh triumphantly at this time, and even grab a handful of shit and throw it on the nurse's face when the nurse was not paying attention. I've seen this happen with my own eyes, but the nurse just sighed, then turned around quickly and ran to the bathroom to rinse.I also saw the little nurse who just came to the mental hospital on the first day, sobbing softly in the office. I heard that she was the only child at home, and her family conditions were very good.As a result, on the first day of her visit, the patient made trouble. The patient bullied her and took out the thing in her crotch to pee behind her. The little nurse cried and said that she would resign tomorrow and leave this ghost place.What kind of job is this, serving patients like a slave, and the monthly salary is not enough to buy a piece of clothing she is wearing. Dr. Xiao nodded, handed her a tissue, and then continued to walk to the window to look at the scenery that was actually nothing. I saw his sadness and loneliness again.He sighed and said, "Go if you can...don't look back. This is a quagmire. Once you get stuck in it, you can't go if you want..." Suddenly, more or less, I understood his loneliness and sadness.And I know his sadness is deeper than mine, although he always has a smile on his face. The little nurse stayed in the end, and now she can face all kinds of embarrassments from the patients with ease.Soon, Dr. Xiao's smile appeared on her face. It turned out that smiles are also contagious.I don't know if mental illness is contagious, but I know smiling is contagious because I've seen it firsthand. After living in a mental hospital for a period of time, I began to understand why Dr. Xiao was so resistant to the patients Ma Qianli sent.These patients were all sent in after committing a crime because of their medical records. There are many criminals who took advantage of legal loopholes. Although the law clearly stipulates that a mentally ill person may not bear criminal responsibility only if he cannot recognize or control his own behavior and cause harmful results. But how to determine whether a patient has cognitive ability when committing a crime is a headache for the judiciary.Moreover, such criminals are directly sent to the mental hospital because there is no special security compulsory medical institution in the city. This undoubtedly makes the already tense mental hospital worse. Just half a month after I was admitted to the hospital, I saw such a thrilling scene with my own eyes. The same is a handy product sent by Ma Qianli. I forgot his real name, but his nickname is Pi San.Just by his nickname, he knew that the whole gang was a hooligan, causing troubles and fighting a lot, and even the doctor didn't pay attention to him. "Fuck! Scolding you? I'm still beating you! What's the matter? I'm mentally ill, killing people is not against the law!" This is the mantra of his sick people.And when they said this, they were absolutely sober. On the second day after Pi San was sent, he locked the door of the room and took the nurse hostage while the nurse was delivering the medicine.The nurses screamed in horror, the male nurses opened the iron door, and Dr. Xiao kicked the wooden door open with several big kicks. I saw that the nurse's clothes had been torn, and Pi San was tearing at the panties under her nurse's skirt, and the nurse was holding them tightly with both hands.Doctor Xiao went over and kicked him on the shoulder fiercely, kicking him away, and the male nurses stepped forward to restrain him.The third ruffian struggled, still cursing obscenities: "Little slut, I will definitely make you beautiful next time!" Dr. Xiao took off his white coat and put it on for the nurses, and asked the rest of the nurses to take her back to the nurse's room.As he escorted the nurse out of the room, I saw the blue veins in his neck that had popped from his clenched teeth.After the nurse left, he walked up to Pi San, didn't speak, just looked at Pi San quietly. Pi San grinned, "What's the matter, I'm mentally ill, what can you do with me?" "You are not mentally ill at all, you are fully cognitive, I can prove it. You are waiting to go to jail with that fake medical record." Dr. Xiao's voice was very cold. "I'll fuck you!" Pi San broke free from the male nurse, and rushed towards Dr. Xiao with a roar.Dr. Xiao staggered to hold his fist, grabbed his hair with his right hand, pulled him behind him, and at the same time swept his right knee towards his abdomen.Pi San howled in pain, Doctor Xiao grabbed his hair and pushed him back, throwing him to the ground. Pi San clutched his stomach, pointed at everyone and shouted: "You all saw it, the doctor beat the patient, the doctor beat the patient! I want to sue you!" Dr. Xiao rolled up his sleeves: "I'm a doctor when I put on my white coat, and I'm Xiao Bai when I take off my white coat!" After speaking, he went up and held Pi San down, and punched him in the face.I counted thirteen punches in total, and the reason why he stopped was because Pi San had been knocked unconscious by these thirteen punches.I clearly remember the look in his eyes when he hit someone, there was no joy or anger, just cold, terrible cold.That was also the only time I saw him hit someone, one time was enough, because I knew that when a person had this look, he could kill someone. When the male nurses dragged Pi San out of the ward, blood dripped from the corners of his eyes, mouth and nose.As he was being dragged past me, he grinned and something fell out of his mouth, a bloody front tooth. Dr. Xiao also walked out of the room and said to the nurse beside him, "Send him to the restraint room and restrain him throughout the day. After he wakes up, if he still fusses, give him 10mg of diazepam." Then he glanced at Pi San's back, closed his eyes and sighed, "I also want a Valium." The nurse stared at him blankly, wondering if he should get an injection.He didn't say much, he just got up and walked towards the nurse's room, where there was already an additional patient who needed treatment. Pi San was taken away by Ma Qianli on the fourth day, and Dr. Xiao has issued a new diagnosis certificate.It proves that Pi San is a simple anti-social personality and has no intermittent mental illness.At the beginning, Pi San looked for false proof of his relationship, in fact, it was so that he could do evil more recklessly.When Ma Qianli came, he took a look at the wound on Pi San's face, and then looked back at Dr. Xiao. Doctor Xiao nodded expressionlessly: "I did." Ma Qianli chuckled, didn't say much, just waved his hand to let Pi San be escorted away.Pi San glared angrily when he was escorted in front of Doctor Xiao and said, "I won't let you go!" Dr. Xiao tilted his head slightly, his cold eyes swept across his face, and he replied: "You are welcome to come to me after you are released from prison." "Punishment for multiple crimes, you will never be able to get out in twenty years." Ma Qianli added with a smile, then pointed to Pi San and said: "Also, if anything happens to Dr. Xiao, I will be the first to find him. It's you!" Pi San gritted his teeth and dared not speak any more.The criminal policeman on his right pushed him, escorted him into a police car, and took him away. Every time I think about it, those two sentences ring in my ears. One sentence is ruffian: "The doctor beat the patient, the doctor beat the patient!" The other sentence is from Dr. Xiao: "I also want a Valium." Working in such a depressing environment will collapse, and the pay and reward will be completely unequal, and you will also suffer from various unexpected embarrassments, even life-threatening.I have seen aggressive personality patients attack, like a powerful devil with bloodshot eyes.If he had been given a knife at that time, he would have stabbed the knife straight down your throat without hesitation, piercing the back of your cervical spine in a straight line. Also, don't forget the privilege of a mentally ill person in the onset period-no need to bear any legal responsibility, even if it is killing someone. Suddenly, I felt that the statement that the mental hospital is a prison is completely correct, because all the prisoners are locked up in it.We are all sinners. Instead of reflecting on our sins, we vent our anger on our family members, doctors and nurses. What is our sin?Our sin is our disease, we don't admit that we are sick, we think we are sober, wise.We feel that those who say we are sick are really sick.Our illness drags down our loved ones, making them worry, sad, and even angry. The thin man with schizophrenia was suddenly notified that he could be discharged from the hospital. He was very happy, dancing and saying something to the air, looking arrogant.It probably means that the secretary can't harm him, and he will be released soon.As a patient in the same ward, I decided to send him off.Although he once suspected that I had an affair with the secretary he was talking about, and suspected that I was a spy sent by the secretary, I never blamed him. Who can blame a mental patient?Not even me, who is also mentally ill. When he was delivered to the gate of the hospital, I realized that no family members came to pick him up.Dr. Xiao took out all the money from his wallet, handed it to him, and said, "This is the government's reward for reporting. You can go wherever you want. The secretary has been arrested, and you are free now." The thin man took the money proudly, and then the head nurse opened the iron door, and he ran away in a hurry.He didn't even look back at the psychiatric institution where he'd been in for over a year. I don't think so. "Why didn't his family come to pick him up?" I asked. There was a hint of helplessness in Dr. Xiao's eyes: "His family hasn't shown up for a year, and even the phone number is empty. His family is in another city. When he was sent here, he only left us a phone number. He has already After a year of medical expenses owed, the hospital can no longer support him, and there are already too many patients like him." "You...you just abandoned him like this? Do you have any humanity!" I yelled at him, "You know he doesn't know how to survive when he goes out! He will be like a wild dog, and he will be picked up on the road and eaten madman!" Doctor Xiao smiled at me, but I could see that his smile was very sad, and I finally understood his smile.It was never really a smile, it was the sadness of being lonely to the extreme.It turns out that smiling can also be very sad. He smiled at me like this for a few minutes, and then slowly said: "It's rare that you finally got angry. This is a good sign, for your depression." Then he just turned around and went back to the office. The back was very indifferent, which I couldn't understand. The head nurse closed the iron door, glanced at Dr. Xiao's back, and shook his head, "Don't blame Dr. Xiao, he has paid for this patient's medical expenses for several months, and even applied for no insurance for this patient. Medical aid, but the civil administration did not pass it on the grounds that he has a guardian." I was taken aback for a moment, and she continued: "It's the hospital's decision to abandon this patient number. Don't blame the hospital. The hospital has enough patients like him. They are all sent by family members or work units and just ignore them. Missing, all thrown to the hospital. Psychiatric hospitals can’t make ends meet, and hospitals can’t apply for relevant subsidies from the government. The orphanage would be fine, but no, no..." "I am already forty-four years old. I have been in this hospital for twenty years. A good doctor like Xiao Bai has only two results in the end. One is to learn to be numb and treat everything numbly. The other is to collapse, or Get out of here before you collapse, and find another job that has nothing to do with medicine." The head nurse smoothed her temples, revealing the premature temple lines on her cheeks. Dr. Xiao's words sounded in my ears: "Go if you can...don't look back. This is a quagmire. Once you get stuck in it, you can't go if you want to..." I seem to understand, understand how true and helpless this sentence is. I took a look around the high courtyard wall and iron gate, and it turned out that he, like us, has been locked inside and cannot get out... In fact, many nurses in the hospital like Xiao Bai, I can tell.He also used the homonym of his name behind his back to affectionately call his nickname Xiaobai.I heard that Dr. Xiao has a girlfriend, but no one has seen her.Everything about him, like his name, including his white coat, is blank. After receiving electroconvulsive therapy for a period of time, although I still have thoughts of suicide from time to time, my mood is significantly better than before.It felt a bit like recharging a battery, making my dead nerves and cells start to move again. Dr. Xiao also discovered a characteristic of me. Although I hated myself, I answered his questions with silence as always.But I have great empathy, especially when I see patients who are worse off than I am. So Dr. Xiao gave me a task to help take care of other patients, such as sweeping the floor, taking care of patients taking medicine and other simple tasks.According to Dr. Xiao, this is very good for my depression. While helping others, I can rebuild my self-confidence and regain my self-esteem. It turns out that when we give we also receive. After being admitted to the hospital for a month, Dr. Xiao relaxed his care after confirming that my suicidal desire was no longer so strong.I was even allowed to go to the female patient building to help clean up, water the flowers, and give medicine to the patients.This makes many patients very envious. In mental hospitals, male and female patients are strictly separated.In such a small space for activities, the instinctive desires of men and women are more easily aroused.Don't think that if we get mental illness, we will become wooden. A lunatic is not a fool. These are two concepts, although there are some mistakes in the brain. My ward was also changed from the first floor to the second floor. According to the old patient, I can almost leave here when I move to the third floor.Because the fourth floor is for those patients who basically have no possibility of recovery, those patients on the fourth floor will spend their entire lives here. I thought of a sarcastic joke: born sad, dead useless. But now I don't think this joke is funny at all, because I know this is the true portrayal of the patient on the fourth floor.They will die here, without family happiness, without the warmth of the sunset.If it was in the past, I would definitely blame their families for their inhumanity, and just throw them in a mental hospital like this. But now I don't have this kind of thought anymore, after seeing all kinds of mental patients in their attacks.I think the patients on the fourth floor are actually lucky, even happy.Because after experiencing such despair, the exhausted family members are still willing to pay for the mental hospital to support him.Instead of being abandoned on the street like a thin man. I'm starting to miss the skinny guy and wonder how he's doing now.Maybe it's just like I imagined, rummaging through some big trash can.Otherwise, what other possibilities are there?Do you think a schizophrenic patient will find a job by himself, or start a career from nothing? I laughed myself when I thought of this, because this idea is very naive and fictional. Just when I was missing the thin man, Heroin suddenly exclaimed in front of the window: "A beauty came to the mental hospital! Hey, Tang Ping, look, beauty!" I ignored him, even if there is an earthquake, I don't want to move, I just want to sit quietly and wait to die. Heroin, in his uncharacteristically warm way with people, pulled me out of bed to the window.So, I saw a string of cheerful notes. Downstairs, there is an elf in a white dress, stepping on this string of cheerful notes and galloping through the mental hospital.She is holding her high heels in her right hand, barefoot, running around like a frightened fawn in a mental hospital.Her windward hair was like music flowing in a brook, bringing a breath of life to the lifeless mental hospital. Behind her was a group of panting nurses and doctors, and she frequently looked behind her as she fled.Those were the frightened eyes of a small bird, the more frightened she was, the more charming her eyes were.She is not hiding from doctors and nurses, she is hiding from her own shadow. This little elf races against her own shadow in the sun with her high heels, her skirt tilts towards the world, and a group of pure white followers follow behind her.This picture freezes and zooms in in my field of vision, and a voice in the depths of my collapsed memory roars: How could it be her!why…… I've seen her, yes, I've seen her. The elf finally stopped, she found the shadow of the building, she hid in the shadow of the building shivering like a helpless little white rabbit.Nurses and doctors carefully surrounded her and caught the panicked little white rabbit. The game of chase ended without incident.After the little white rabbit was sent to the female ward, the patients in front of the windows of the male ward returned to their places. Heroin was still gazing out of the window, and I quietly sat back on the head of the bed, thinking about a question I had to think about: why did I meet her here?Is it fate?Why her?Why is it her? After a while, Heroin finally gave up and sat next to me, "Hey! Tang Ping, when you go to the women's ward to help, don't forget to ask for information and ask the girl's name." I didn't speak. The appearance of this woman will only make my depression worse.I felt pinched and suffocated, and my suicidal urge came back, stronger than ever. "Tang Ping? Tang Ping! Don't you want to commit suicide again? I'm going to tell Dr. Xiao!" Heroin was still rambling on.I wonder if Dr. Xiao didn't prescribe enough medicine, why this guy can be so excited all the time. In fact, antipsychotic drugs are not complicated, just like I have been mainly given fluoxetine since I was admitted to the hospital.I think this medicine should be a stimulant, because my thinking will be much more active after taking the medicine.If I take it before going to bed, it will affect my sleep, so Dr. Xiao arranged the time for me to take the medicine in the morning and noon.The same is true for other patients, mainly those medicines. But almost all antipsychotic drugs have the same side effect - extrapyramidal side effects.Symptoms are similar to those of Parkinson's syndrome. At the worst, the whole body becomes stiff and unable to chew food.The general side effects are eliminated with Antan, and scopolamine can also be injected intramuscularly for severe cases.Therefore, in the important stage of treatment, it is best to carry out in the hospital, with professional monitoring to ensure the safety of taking medicine. Antipsychotic drugs should not be taken indiscriminately, they are very dangerous. I have heard of family members abusing antipsychotic drugs to patients to death.It is a drug that is three-point poisonous, and this sentence could not be more suitable for antipsychotic drugs.And most people with mental illness need to take medicine for life, so I think mental illness is scarier than cancer. Now I often help to feed such patients with severe side effects.There are other side effects like fat, lethargy, sluggishness, etc.However, these symptoms come and go quickly, and they can fully recover in about a month after stopping the drug, and their psychotic symptoms will also recover after stopping the drug.Therefore, mental illness is really a terrible disease. It is dependent on drugs. Many people need to take drugs for life, and the recurrence rate is terribly high. There is one in room 204, and this is the fifth time he has been sent in. Like the thin man, he is schizophrenic and paranoid, with persecution paranoia. They all recovered almost in the hospital, no different from normal people, but they would relapse within a few months after being discharged from the hospital.Because of the attitude of his family and people around him, as well as his own personality, his illness relapsed like mushrooms after rain.He said he even preferred being here because no one else was staring at him all the time. I thought of the prison again, and I felt more and more that the metaphor was too apt.The patients who go out here are like released prisoners, who are always stared at by others with vigilant, cold, and strange eyes.Can you imagine that situation?Others are pointing at your back: hey, it's him!He's a psycho, you have to be careful! Yes, we are all sinners.But I really hope that the world can be a little more tolerant, a little more magnanimous, and give us a chance to be human again. But I very much hope that Dr. Xiao can prescribe the maximum amount of heroin and take out his extrapyramidal reaction the best, so that he won't have the energy to bother me anymore.He's buzzing around this big piece of shit like a happy fly right now. To get away from the noise of heroin, I decided to help out in the Women's Ward, the only place he couldn't go with me.Male and female patients are strictly separated, because there are too many unstable factors in mental illness, and no one knows what they will do in the next moment.When a group of mental patients get together and one of them gets sick, it will stimulate other patients like an infection, causing an unpredictable commotion. There are also very few female nurses in the male patient building, most of them are male nurses, and there are also male nurses who have been upgraded from male nurses.Because male nurses are rare, and patients are very scary when they get sick, several male nurses can't stop them, let alone female nurses.Therefore, most of the male patient buildings are hired male nurses, and after a long period of training and assessment, they are upgraded to male nurses. Most of the female nurses in the male patient building are experienced. They have worked in the industry for many years and know how to deal with various emergencies, including "courtship".I have seen a male patient who was fond of delusions, but he was actually quite handsome.He fell in love with a nurse, spent one night arranging various objects in the ward into a heart shape, and then wooed the nurse. If it had been a new nurse, she would have blushed with shame and was at a loss.But the nurse just smiled, said thank you, and put those things back in place one by one.This is the wisdom of female nurses, they know how to dodge the pursuit of male patients.And don't directly refuse their courtship in person, otherwise these patients will hold grudges, and even cause unexpected tragedies.Mental patients are not stupid. As I said, they are no different from ordinary people when they are normal, and they are more terrifying than devils when they are sick. I walked through the corridor and came to the big iron door in the building. A male guard came over and gave me the key to open the door.He chuckled at me, "I really don't know what Dr. Xiao thinks to give you this privilege." I didn't answer, I had no interest in any of this, all I could think about was how to get rid of the heroin fly.I walked into the female patient building in a daze, picked up the kettle to fill up the water, and then began to water the flowers. While watering, I noticed a female patient staring at me on a bench on the first floor.I heard about her illness from other people. She had very serious delusions of love, which also belonged to paranoid schizophrenia.She fell in love with her colleague, but the colleague already had a wife.She stalks her co-workers in hot pursuit.It is said that the worst time was when she threatened suicide and asked the colleague to say: "I love you!" The colleague was so disturbed that he switched to another company.She went all the way to the company and complained to her colleague's boss about his extramarital affair.The boss said he didn't care about it, and she fabricated a bunch of work taints to slander the colleague.Every time a colleague changes a company, she keeps chasing after that company to cause sabotage, even giving up her own job. The colleague broke down and yelled at her: "What the hell are you trying to do!" But she said: "I know you like me, why are you so timid in the face of your feelings?" Her abnormal behavior became more and more serious, and she was finally sent here by her family. 那个钟情妄想的女病人还在望着我，我和她的视线对碰了一下，我看到了她眼中的不舍和迷茫。我不敢对她微笑，我怕她会把我当成下一个“爱人”。我把头低下，继续给花浇水。 女病号楼比男病号楼好很多，一楼都有窗户，还有盆花。因为毕竟还是女人，不像男病号那么有破坏力。男病号一楼不敢放盆花，因为男病号发作时会把盆花当武器，砸向医生和护士。有个真实的事件，男病号楼一个护士在值夜班时因为太困睡了过去，结果就这样被病人用花盆砸碎了脑袋。 我浇完走廊的花，开始进入病房给窗台前的花浇水。第一间没她，第二间没她，第三间也没她。这时候我才发现我是来找她的，我为什么要找她？不知道，可能要找到她以后我才能有答案。 第四间，我终于看到她了，这是一间四人约束室。她已经换上了病服，被约束在靠左的病床上，双眼无助地瞪着天花板。她见到我并没有太多表情，只是有点畏惧地望了我一眼，微微挣扎了几下，然后又继续回望向天花板。 我缓步走到窗台边给盆花浇水，“别动！”她命令似的突然出声道。我也仿佛瞬间被控制了一般，身子僵在那里，右手保持着一个正在给花浇水的动作。花盆里的水已经漫了出来，水流顺着花盆滑落，奔向墙壁，然后继续逃窜向地面，叫嚣着向我的鞋底杀来。 我吃力地保持着这个动作，回望向她，原来是我在窗台前的影子正好盖住了她的身子。我想了想，将窗帘拉上一半，让她的床位处在阴影之中。 “谢谢。”她也吃力地后仰脑袋望向我，感激地说了一句。 我没有说话，我只知道当她说完这句谢谢的时候，我的自杀欲望又起来了，毫无预兆地起来了。我就这样僵直地站在窗台边，就这样站了十多分钟。过了一会儿她又后仰起脑袋望向我，“你在干什么？” “我想试试这样屏住呼吸能不能把自己憋死。”我下意识地回道，不过看来我又失败了，因为在说话的同时我已经开始呼吸。 然后她就笑了，她的笑声很好听，咯咯的，就像一个调皮的孩子。只要能让她躲在阴影中，她马上就能恢复过来。 “你也是病人？”她问。 “嗯。”我答。 "What's your name?" “唐平。” “哦，我叫雨默。” 然后又是好几分钟的寂静，因为我习惯别人问，我答，或保持沉默。 “你怎么不说话？”她问。 “不知道。”我答。 “你走过来点，我这样后仰着脑袋和你说话很累的，知道不？”她有点娇气地说道。 "Oh." 我走到她的床位旁边，她仔细地打量了我一番。主要是看我的眼睛，她想看看我的灵魂有什么不正常的地方。 “你得的是什么病啊？我看你很正常啊。”她看了我半天，还是没找到什么异常，问道。 “萧医生说是重度抑郁症。”我答。 “哦，很严重么？” "Ok." “怪不得你的脸看起来像个苦瓜。”她又咯咯地笑了起来，露出一排洁白整齐的牙齿，还有喉咙里可爱的小舌头。我发现她笑起来很好看，这么一个爱笑的女孩怎么会得了精神病？ “你呢，你怎么会被送来这儿？”我问，这是我第一次问问题。 她沉默了一会，又摇了摇头，“说了你也不会信的，没人会相信我说的话。” “我信。”我很肯定地说道。 她咬着下嘴唇，目不转睛地盯着我看了半天。最后终于下定决心似的深吸了一口气，开始讲她的故事。