The first half of your life may belong to someone else, living in someone else's opinion.Then give back the rest of your life to yourself, to follow your inner voice. - Carl Jung I stood in front of my house, staring at the bustling crowd on the street. Everyone seems very busy.Look at the man in professional attire, answering the phone while walking anxiously.Then he stopped, shaking his left hand repeatedly in the air, explaining something to the person on the other end of the phone.Look at the car driver honking his horn, and look at the woman at the intersection looking anxiously at her watch from time to time...

Everyone is pretty much the same.Many people stuff food into their mouths as they walk, they are too busy to sit down and have a good meal.Even people who are walking have to look left and right to see passing vehicles, and dare not cross the road until the green light is on. Even people who take a walk must abide by the traffic rules and obey the rules and order set by this society.In fact, they are all people who have lost their freedom. They are imprisoned and restrained by work, life, identity, relationship, rules, definitions... and they are not aware of all this. They thought they were free, but in fact each of them was a prisoner, and the world was their cage.As long as you are alive, you are always a prisoner. Whenever and wherever you are imprisoned and restrained by visible and invisible things.

The world in my eyes is rotating, and everything around me is enlarged, then reduced, and then enlarged again.I was overwhelmed by these things, the chains that hung on me. I want to be free, really free!I told myself. I calmed down suddenly, I tidied up my clothes first, and combed my hair with my hands.Finally, I took a deep breath and put a smile on my face. The moment I opened the door, my eyes were shining and my face was full of spring breeze. "Tang Ping, are you back?" Mom gave me a concerned look. I rushed over and hugged my mother: "Mom, I found a new job!"

My father, who was pretending to be reading a newspaper, also exhaled heavily when he heard my words, and then coughed a few times, before asking casually, "What job?" "Foreign company, the treatment is much better than my original broken state-owned company, and I will officially start work next week!" I replied excitedly. "Hmm." Dad made a nasal sound lightly, and then continued to flip through the newspaper seriously. Look at how good our family's acting skills are, we can even win Oscar statuettes.In fact, they have been worrying about me for more than four months, because my girlfriend and work disappeared four months ago.

For four months, I locked myself in my room and wondered: Where did I go wrong?Why did all these bad things happen to me together?Today I finally found the answer, my fault lies in - my girlfriend and her work are inseparable, I am the third party, I am the most redundant one! "It's good to find a job, come here, have a sip of hot soup first, and you can eat right away." Mom smiled happily. I shook my head: "I've eaten outside, but I'm tired and want to sleep. You don't have to call me to eat." Mom nodded, and I went back to my room, gently closed the door and locked it.Then moved a small wooden cabinet against the door.Leaning against the door, I took out the 150 sleeping pills from my pocket, and swallowed them hastily like a hungry ghost.This is what I saved up after running 15 pharmacies, because each one is only willing to sell me 10 pills.

I heard people say that only 30 pills can make me sleep forever, but in order to be sure, I swallowed 150 sleeping pills.Then I lay down on the bed and began to quietly wait for death to come. About ten minutes later, I felt death, but this kind of death was not safe at all.I felt cold all over, but I didn't even have the strength to move my fingers to pull the quilt.The head seemed to be squeezed by something, and it seemed to be filled with lead, like a balloon about to explode. Then I had a bunch of scary visions and I saw my girlfriend laughing and coming up to kiss me.Right after the kiss I realized I'd taken a chunk of flesh off her lip.There were two rows of teeth protruding bloody and bloody on that beautiful face. She smiled at me, then rushed forward and continued to kiss me.I wanted to push her away, but I couldn't move.All of a sudden, I realized I was my girlfriend and I was gnawing on my own corpse...

I was found by my parents and taken to the hospital 6 hours later, and I can tell you clearly that I did not fall asleep.During these 6 hours, I have been in a state of confusion, I can hear and see but can't move, and the horrible vision in front of me is constantly playing like a series.I regret that I chose to commit suicide with sleeping pills, which is actually the most painful way to die.After two hours of agony, I started to call for help.But I can't make any sound at all, I can't even blink my eyes. I was sent to the hospital for rescue and gastric lavage.The gastric lavage was also very painful, a tube was inserted into my esophagus, and then water was poured into my stomach, almost full, and then I had to spit out the water by myself.Repeat this many times until the stomach and intestines are washed clean.Gastric lavage was disgusting and painful, but I'm glad someone was able to wash those sleeping pills out of my stomach.It's not that I regret suicide, I will, but I will never use sleeping pills again.

Movies and TV novels are all deceitful. Those who wrote the plot never used sleeping pills to commit suicide, otherwise they would not dare to say that suicide by swallowing sleeping pills is the safest and most comfortable way to die.Just like those authors who write murder and suspense novels every day, which one of them has really killed someone? After waking up, I asked the doctor, "Why did I swallow so many 150 sleeping pills and survived for 6 hours, and was still in so much pain?" While taking my blood pressure, the doctor smiled contemptuously and said, "Don't talk about 150 pills, I've seen people who swallowed nearly a thousand sleeping pills and spent several days in pain before being discovered, and they didn't die."

"Why is this? Aren't many people committing suicide by swallowing sleeping pills?" I was surprised. The doctor nodded: "Yes, but that was in the past. Let me tell you, in the past, 30 sleeping pills could indeed kill a person. But it is different now. Since the development of BZD (Benzodiazepines), the drug's The lethal dose and the therapeutic dose have been greatly separated. Sleeping pills are safer, and now 300 sleeping pills may not be able to commit suicide, but it will take a very painful time." The doctor gave me a sympathetic look. He knew what I was going through, and I wasn't the first sleeping pill suicide he'd seen.

At first I thought that sleeping pills would bring me freedom and liberation, but instead I enjoyed a feast of imprisonment that was more painful than pain.I was imprisoned in the effect of the medicine, tormented by those terrible illusions, and my whole body was in pain like being pierced by countless steel needles. I can't even describe the pain in words. Most importantly, this pain not only did not bring me to death, but took me to the hospital to enjoy a disgusting gastric lavage meal... Next, I was transferred to a mental hospital.Diagnosed with major depressive disorder and suicidal, I was put under 24-hour surveillance like a prisoner.Thus, this inexplicable story began.

My first impression of the mental hospital was the iron gate, then the iron gate, and then the iron gate.The patients who have just been admitted to the hospital are placed on the first floor, because the monitoring on the first floor is the best, and even the doors of the wards here are made of iron.The windows are all equipped with anti-theft nets, but it is us who are actually guarding against them.The windows on the first floor have no glass, and I later learned that the glass here was broken by patients, and it was smashed after it was installed, and now the hospital simply does not install it. The sound of knocking on the door is often heard in the corridor, which is the manic attack of the violent patient.Occasionally there were fights between patients, but soon a strong male nurse came to stop them.The same is true when the patient has a manic attack. If the male nurse fails to dissuade him, he can only be restrained and then given a sedative. During the few days I was admitted to the hospital, I thought about sharpening the handle of the toothbrush and stabbing myself to death, but apart from the pain and bruises from the stabbing, not even a drop of blood came out.Because this is a human instinct, people are afraid of pain, even people like me who want to die are afraid.I also tried to hit the wall, bury my head in the water basin, tear off the bed sheet and hang myself, and strangle myself... all to no avail. Either he was discovered by the nurse, or he was stopped by his own instinct.I really want to die, but I don't want to die so painfully.Only then did I realize how difficult it is to find a safe and comfortable way to die.It turns out that it is difficult to want to die. My attending doctor is named Xiao Bai, 28 years old, and he is a very good doctor.After receiving his salary every month, he would go to buy fruit and distribute it to the patients in the whole building.It was only after I was admitted to a mental hospital that I realized that the salary of a psychiatrist is so low. The monthly salary of the attending physician is only 1,500 yuan, which is less than half of my previous salary.This is unimaginable for other doctors. I have a classmate who is a resident physician in internal medicine and only works in a small private hospital. The monthly basic salary is 5,000 yuan, not to mention the rest of the red envelopes, kickbacks, and bonuses. said. I don't even know why he can often face our unreasonable troubles with a smile on his face, or what is supporting him, is it belief or something else?I really do not know. Dr. Xiao is not tall and a little thin, but his skills are extraordinary. I have seen his skills with my own eyes.It was a patient with an aggressive personality, 1.8 meters tall, very strong.It was sent by the criminal police, probably just finished the crime.At first, he sat quietly in a chair, and two criminal police officers watched him. Ma Qianli, the head of the city criminal police detachment who led the team, and Dr. Xiao entered the office to talk, and I overheard their conversation when I passed the door. "I'm sorry, Dr. Xiao, but he sent another tough guy here. He didn't do anything serious, but he got into a fight with the security guards in the supermarket and injured a few people, and the attack was heavy." "Hey, Captain Ma, you know that we have no ability to manage patients like this here." Captain Ma laughed a few times: "There is no way, there is no special security compulsory medical institution in the city. This guy has a mental illness certificate, and I can't send him to the labor camp, so I will send you here." "For impulsive personality disorder, the effect of drugs and psychotherapy is not obvious. And once he has a manic attack, not only the safety of us medical staff will not be guaranteed, but even the patients will be in danger." "I've talked with your dean about this, but it's just a formality. The relevant institutions in the city are not sound, and we can't do anything about it." Doctor Xiao let out a long sigh, and then fell silent.Captain Ma saw that it was almost done, and hurriedly said goodbye: "Then Dr. Xiao, I will leave it to you..." "Captain Ma, what happened to the vampire dumping case five months ago?" Dr. Xiao asked suddenly. "That's still an unsolved case. The corpse was dumped in the rainy night, leaving us without a trace. Besides, the murderer has not committed another crime for such a long time. The murderer has probably absconded...Why is Dr. Xiao interested in this case?" "He is dormant to spy on the timing, not absconding, this is the evolution of the behavior pattern of a serial murderer. When he comes back, his methods will become more and more brutal, and the time between crimes will be shorter and shorter." Dr. Xiao worried said. Five months ago, I also saw the news report about the case of vampire throwing corpses, and it was very popular at that time.Someone found a naked male body at the eastern suburb of the Fourth Ring Road.There were two fang marks on the carotid artery of the corpse's neck, the man's internal organs and eyeballs were hollowed out, and his whole body was covered with mesh wounds by sharp objects.When the TV news reported, there was a scene that swept across the corpse. Although it was just a scene that passed by in a hurry, it was shocking enough to make people shudder. Because of those two fang marks, rumors of vampires spread.The media tabloids also followed the limelight, saying that the autopsy found that the man's blood had been sucked dry.Then just like a UFO report, several witnesses appeared, vividly saying that the vampire was tall and ghostly with a blue face and fangs.There are also so-called "experts" who "analyze" whether the murderer is a vampire or a zombie, and finally confirm that the murderer is a vampire. For a while, the cross became a hot seller on the street. Even my mother bought me a silver cross necklace and insisted that I wear it.Almost half a year passed before the panic gradually subsided. Unexpectedly, I heard this case again here. "You mean the murderer will commit another crime?" Captain Ma's voice brought me back to my senses. "Well, although I don't know what his real motive for killing is, I can feel from the corpse that he has been depressed and angry for a long time, with strong anti-social personality characteristics. Moreover, he has received high school education and a high IQ , this should also be his first murder." "Doctor Xiao, how do you say it is as if you have seen the murderer with your own eyes." "Captain Ma, you should know the criminal psychological portrait, right? In fact, just like your crime scene reconstruction, the personality and behavior characteristics of the criminal are portrayed through psychological analysis. If you have detailed information, you can even infer the criminal's occupation, belief, Age, life, etc., in detail." Captain Ma seemed dumbfounded, and it took a long time to come back to his senses: "I heard this in a lecture, but unfortunately there is no sound technical force in China to help solve the case. How did you deduce this, Dr. Xiao?" "You must know that antisocial personality, also known as anti-moral personality, is a group with a high incidence of crime. He chose to throw his body on a rainy night, showing his high IQ and anti-reconnaissance ability. From the cruelty of the victim and his undisguised throwing You can see his anti-social personality traits. You must have also searched the past criminal information, but there is no one who matches the number, so you still have nothing in five months. " Captain Ma laughed a few times: "Indeed, our team also agreed that this person has anti-social personality. It stands to reason that anti-social personality should be formed very early, no later than 25 years old, that is to say, the murderer should have a criminal record." .But I checked the records over the years and found nothing.” "That's why I guessed that he had a high school education. It was his education that suppressed his anti-social personality. Over the years, he suppressed his anger and worked diligently. Until a certain mutation, it may be Unemployment, divorce, catastrophe caused his anger to explode, which eventually caused a personality change and unleashed his sociopathic personality." Next, I heard Dr. Xiao's inexplicably excited voice: "When he killed someone for the first time, he was nervous, terrified, and excited, just like a child who tasted the forbidden fruit for the first time. This is his first time, but it is definitely not The last time, because he has found a way to vent his anger. I am a murderer if I kill one, and I am also a murderer if I kill ten. Anyway, it is a capital crime, what is the difference?" I heard the sound of Captain Ma swallowing, although there was a wall, the sound came to my ears clearly. "Doctor Xiao, you... are you okay?" Doctor Xiao chuckled: "If you want to catch the psycho killer, you have to think like him." "You're too into the show." "You still remember Long Zhimin, a small farmer like Wu Dalang who killed 48 people and buried the 48 corpses in his own yard." "Of course I remember, the number one perverted killer in New China in 1985." "Have you ever imagined the complacency of this little farmer, smoking a cigarette, pacing up and down the yard full of corpses? He must have thought: Hey, you all look down on me, and now you are stepping on the ground." I'm under my feet! You're so good, you're so good!" "Doctor Xiao, it's a pity that you don't write horror novels." Captain Ma said helplessly. "This is the idea of ​​​​a perverted killer. When he kills, he feels that he is God, and he dominates life! He can find pleasure and self-confidence from killing, and vent his anger." "By the way, does this murderer have mental problems? What if he wants to use his mental illness to get rid of the crime?" He could hear that Captain Ma no longer wanted to continue this topic. This weird psychiatrist made him at a loss and changed the topic. asked. "First of all, you need to know that personality disorder does not belong to the category of non-cognitive psychosis. Just like the guy you sent, if he is not accompanied by intermittent psychosis, but just pure impulsive personality disorder, you can directly treat him Throw it to a labor camp. Moreover, our country’s criminal law stipulates that even a person with intermittent mental illness who commits a crime while in a normal state of mind and with cognitive ability must bear legal responsibility.” When he was talking about this, Captain Ma's cell phone rang, and he hurriedly said goodbye after answering the phone: "There is another new case, Dr. Xiao, I'm leaving first." Then he walked out of the office quickly, towards the two The criminal policeman waved his hand, got into the police car, and sped away. I saw him let out a long breath when he walked out of the office, and I could see that he was actually very grateful for the timely call, otherwise Dr. Xiao would have to deal with some mental problems. As a result, as soon as the criminal police left, the guy who was sent immediately became angry and smashed the iron door with a chair, trying to escape.Several male guards stepped forward but couldn't restrain him, they were punched one by one by him and fell to the ground.Dr. Xiao rushed out when he heard the voice from the office, trying to persuade him to calm down, but the guy grabbed his chair and rushed towards Dr. Xiao. It was too late, but soon, Dr. Xiao actually supported the swung chair with both hands without blinking, and then clamped the guy's waist with the four legs of the chair.The guy saw that he was fighting a lot. With a roar, he put his left hand against the chair stuck around his waist, and swung his right fist at Dr. Xiao's face. Fist, his left hand passed through his armpit, and then he turned around and twisted his backhand, and stuck the guy's right hand on his back.In the end, he stumbled and completely pressed the guy under his body, using the four legs of the chair stuck around his waist to restrain him from moving. I read that it was introduced in Muay Thai. This move is called anti-joint suppression, a fighting technique of four or two strokes. Doctor Xiao said seriously: "Calm down, no one here is going to hurt you, trust me." Then he raised his head and shouted to the stunned nurse: "Stay!" The nurse came back to her senses and let out an "oh" before rushing to get the diazepam injection. The madman later lived in Ward 104 on the first floor, and every time he had an attack, it was a fierce battle.But no matter how severe the attack is, as long as Dr. Xiao appears and says "calm down", he will calm down immediately, because this is the only person he is afraid of. Dr. Xiao is really a good doctor. He wanted to help me very much. He kept asking me about my past, but my answer was only silence.I know he really wants to help me, and I don't doubt that he can cure me, but I just want to die quickly. And soon I had a chance, half a month after being admitted to the hospital.The nurse was drying clothes on the roof, and then the phone rang in the office, and she ran to answer it, but she left the door of the roof open.In this way, I walked onto the roof and climbed outside the guardrail.When the nurse saw me on the rooftop after answering the phone, she screamed and hurried to notify Dr. Xiao. I didn't jump at that time, mainly because I was still thinking about how to jump down in order to die without fail.Dr. Xiao soon caught up, and I knew he was here to persuade me. I often see these poorly acted plots on TV.Unexpectedly, the first thing he said when he saw me was: "Damn, why don't you dance! If you dance before I come up, the responsibility will be entirely on the nurse. If you dance now, I will take part of the responsibility." You're going to drag others down even if you die, you wicked bastard!" I was stunned, he sighed helplessly, walked to the railing, leaned back against the railing and lit a cigarette.After a while, he looked at the blue sky, stretched his waist comfortably and said, "I can only relax a little every time I go to the rooftop. This is a good place, with a cool breeze, so comfortable." Then he glanced at me contemptuously, "We're all going to die, sooner or later, you're in such a hurry to get on the road?" Then he looked at the cigarette case in his hand, "Are you here?" I licked my lips, nodded, and took the cigarette case and lighter from him.I thought he would grab me by handing over the cigarette case and drag me back.But I miscalculated again, he didn't do that, he just handed it to me lightly, and took it back after I lit the cigarette.He put the cigarette case back into his pocket, held the cigarette in his left hand, and played with the disposable lighter with his right hand. He also leaned on the railing, looked downstairs, and then continued: "You know what? Every time I look down here, I have a strong desire to jump down. In fact, death is really It's a good thing, once it's over, let go of everything, don't care about anything, and can't care about it anymore." I took a puff of smoke: "Doctor Xiao, have you ever thought about suicide?" He smiled: "Have you heard of Freud's 'death instinct'? Death is also tempting. It is an impulse towards destruction and aggression. , Highway and other scenes suddenly pop up in your brain. You will want to relax yourself at that moment, stop struggling in the world, and seek the ultimate peace-death!" He took a puff of smoke and continued: "There are many famous suicide holy places, especially in Japan, a country with a deep-rooted suicide culture, such as Aokigahara forest, Okinawa's suicide cliff, the balcony of the main hall of Kiyomizu Temple... others say that those places are cursed, Every year there is an endless stream of people who commit suicide there. In fact, in my opinion, those places are not cursed, but the scenery is so beautiful that it awakens the death instinct of people. They didn’t even intend to commit suicide there, but were just attracted by the beauty. At that moment, they couldn't help but want to merge with this beauty and become eternal." "You're different." He changed the subject and said, "You didn't trigger your death impulse because of the scene, you came here because you wanted to die. You want to destroy yourself, and destroy your failure together when you destroy yourself." "You're a loser!" He looked at me and added coldly. I looked at the sky, and there were a few dark clouds moving slowly in the sky. "I'm a real loser," I said. "Then why don't you jump?" he asked, and then he asked himself and answered, "Oh, are you wondering how to jump in order to die safely?" As expected of a psychiatrist, he saw through my mind immediately, and I nodded honestly. He smiled slightly, and dropped the lighter he was playing with with his right hand.The lighter fell quickly, and when it hit the ground, the disposable lighter exploded with a loud bang.The explosion went all the way to the rooftop and echoed in my ears. He pointed to the lighter that exploded below: "You use the diving posture, with your head facing down, and your whole body standing upright to reduce the resistance of the wind. Be quicker and luckier, and your head will be like that lighter." explode." I listened carefully and nodded. He smiled before continuing: "However, I want to remind you that this is only the fourth floor. If you are unlucky, you may fall into cerebral palsy or break your spinal nerves and cause paralysis all over your body. If this is the case, your family will spend a lifetime Paying money to take care of you, even asking them to pick up the toilet for you, then you just want to die, and you don’t know how to kill yourself.” "There is another one. If you are unlucky or not, and you fall into a disability, you will live in the sympathetic eyes of others every day. There are two possibilities. One is that you continue to seek death, and the other is that you suddenly don't want to die. I want to live a good life. I hope you choose the former, otherwise you will regret it for the rest of your life." He said with a sneer. After I became paralyzed, my elderly parents began to use the urinal to help me catch my stool and urine every day.And the way I was limping and walking on the road.I swallowed a mouthful of saliva: "My luck shouldn't be that bad, right?" He shook his head: "I can tell you that most jumpers will regret it the moment they hit the ground. But by then, it's too late and everything is a foregone conclusion." "Also, do you know why jumpers seldom have the kind of head burst like a watermelon I mentioned?" He asked again. "why?" "Because in Freud's theory, the 'life instinct' corresponds to the 'death instinct'. I don't need to waste my saliva to explain the life instinct to you. It is the innate desire to survive of all animals and people. It’s like you prick yourself with a toothbrush, but it won’t bleed. If you prick someone else with that toothbrush, you will find that the toothbrush is actually very sharp, and it will bleed easily.” "Why do you pierce yourself but don't bleed? Because you are afraid of pain, it's not that you can't do it, but your natural instinct prevents you from doing it. Another example is that you stuff yourself in the water in the washbasin until you can't breathe When the time comes, you will get up by yourself, and it is also the instinct of life that is stopping you." Dr. Xiao pointed to the lighter downstairs again: "It's the same for jumping off a building. You are not a lighter, you are sentient, and you have more instinct. That's why almost all jumpers know to face down, but they There’s no reason why they couldn’t smash their heads.” "Is it my natural instinct at work?" I asked in a daze. Doctor Xiao nodded: "The moment they were about to fall to the ground, no matter whether they regretted it or not, their life instincts would play a role at that moment, and they would involuntarily take protective actions. It was these protective actions that prevented them from dying. , and fell into cerebral palsy, general paralysis, and disability... I don’t know if there is hell or heaven in the world after death, but I know there is in the world, and it is at your feet at this moment. You step out, or heaven, Or hell." He looked at me with eyes as calm as a lake. His eyes frightened me, because I could see from his eyes that he was not lying to me, and I began to feel that the death method of jumping off a building terrified me.What I am afraid of is not death, but wanting to die but not being able to die. In the end, I become a waste that drags my family down, is sympathized with or ridiculed by others. He took the last puff of his cigarette, stamped out the butt, then turned and walked downstairs.He didn't even say another word, or look back at me. Half an hour later, I climbed back inside the railing by myself, trembling all over.I was afraid that if I accidentally fell down, I would become that vegetative person who wanted to die but couldn't die, and asked my parents to help pick up the excrement and urine.My feet were still shaking until I climbed back inside the railing. When I went downstairs, I realized that Dr. Xiao had actually been standing at the corner of the stairs waiting for me.He saw me and smiled: "It's almost 12 o'clock, let's go to lunch first, and then think of another safer way to die when you are full." Later, I asked Dr. Xiao why he was so sure that I would not jump off? He said: "I know at that time you were not afraid of death, you hated yourself. The only thing you were afraid of was continuing to drag your family down again. I saw the fear in your eyes when I said the last sentence. I am sure you will not jump because I Knowing that you still love your family." After a pause, he continued: "I know why you want to die. In fact, this world is far more complicated than you imagined, and it is also clearer than what you see. Try to close your eyes and look at this world with your heart .” Since that day, I have been thinking: what kind of doctor is this guy?How can there be a doctor who chats with a patient who wants to commit suicide irrelevantly, or even encourages the patient to jump off a building?