Chapter 5 Fives

In the small suitcase, there are some documents left by several other friends, and I want to find a special letter to read.But in a novel, get those few sheets of paper.She remembered the story, when she died, she auctioned books, and there was a copy of "Man Lang She Shi Ge", she smiled wryly.In this era, everything is close to reality and prose, which is too far away from the situation described in romantic novels or poems.However, in some past encounters, all of them retain a little flame of poetry and life, there is also heat and light, and there is no shortage of beautiful forms.Although sometimes it is unavoidable to see the affectation, the opposite of the personality, and the lack of honesty, which is a little far from the "truth", but very close to the "beauty".Painful as it is, it is also pleasurable, the secret joy of masochism and the abuse of others.

This certainly requires capital, but she has already paid for it in her past life. She read the letters one by one.The first was written by the college student who bickered with her and walked away.Number thirty-one, dated August 1935. "The world has spring and autumn, and human affairs are inevitable. When I see spring in your eyes, I feel that I am living in this spring, and my life is full. I just want to sing and cheer, as if there are grasses everywhere. Yin, I just sit on this and watch the red and white flowers fall quietly in the breeze. I should thank you, the God who made the creation, and even more grateful for the fate that brought me close to you. When I found out from your eyes In autumn, even if you ignore me and perfunctory me, my heart is still heavy, and my life looks haggard and powerless, similar to a leaf in autumn alone, as if just a small gust of wind can blow me away! I ran away, left my root, and also left you, and lay down by an unknown ditch. I am dead, but my heart is still alive. I seem to hear the sound of running water in the ditch, and I want to let it flow , but it can’t be done. So I slowly rotted, rotted, and it’s over. But in another situation, you must be using the warmth of spring to burn some people’s hearts!

It also tortures people's hearts..." It was a terrible prophecy, and she didn't dare to read it anymore. She took out another slightly longer one, numbered 71, which was written to her by an old friend three years ago. The date is April nineteenth. "When dusk came, you left, the electric lights were turned off, and the world was completely dark. Standing in front of the window, I was very moved by this scene. Just because there seems to be a piece of darkness on my hands, there seems to be a piece of darkness in my heart.This black is so close to me, it completely surrounds me and permeates my life at this time. ××, just think about it, what a moving scene!

I have really entered a new realm today, whether it is real or a dream, I can't tell the difference at all, and I don't want to be very clear. The scenery in the promenade garden is really rare.The fruit of the vineyard is ripe, and the grass is dotted with small light red and light blue flowers. Everything is so beautiful and quiet.Your eyebrows, hair, siblings are in harmony with the scenery, and are also very gentle and quiet.In your eyes I see a subtle fire.On the heels and knees I see a blend of lotus red and magnolia white.In another part, I also found the luster of silk and the aroma of tropical fruit.Everything is close to abstraction, more abstract than music.I was a little confused, I just felt that something in my life was quietly dissolving.Maybe what dissolves is just the feeling... It's almost dusk, and everything is still.Alas, God.

There was an indescribably light sigh that fell down my or your throat. All this seems to be a dream, even more ethereal than a dream, leaving no trace. When dusk came, it was dark at first.After a while, the stars appeared in the sky, just like the wet eyes of a person.From the faint starlight I see spring again. These stars are so faint that they seem to be reflected from your eyes. (However, these starlights may have to travel in space for a thousand years!) There are some flowers and fruits that are very fragrant, and they radiate in the slightly hot night air. There seems to be a road in front of me that is so unfamiliar and so familiar, I want to take a walk.I walked along a line of unknown fruit trees, crossed two small hills, and walked towards the flat plain.After passing a sloping ridge and several dry pools, I walked slowly, paying attention to every plant and tree on the side of the road-I knew everything clearly.There are white chrysanthemums with blue in the middle of the road, shaking gently in the breeze, very light and very quiet.There is a plateau blue flower on the side of the valley, the color is so blue, it seems that this little grass is intentionally made to imitate the color of the sky.It is so beautiful to the eye, but the human language and characters appear weak and powerless in this situation, losing its proper meaning.I picked a lily flower with dew, and I don't know how to praise the magic of nature, which is appropriate.Suddenly felt a kind of fear, just like the monk in the story who was afraid of the temptation of the phantom of the body, and awakened.

I actually live in utter solitude and you have been away from me for a long time.In fact, you may have never been near me. When I feel that this is also a life experience, my eyes are wet: when I feel that this is just an abstraction, I seem to hear myself sobbing: when I understand that this is just a dream, I cry nod.This is also called 'life'! I thought to myself that the soul, like the body, will inevitably lose its luster and elasticity under time, and the only thing that never grows old is actually only "memory".Some people have no spring and no memory in their lives, so they have to write down their dreams. "Song of Songs" or "Chu Ci" is nothing but the form of a painful dream.

All good poetry is, of course, a form of dream, but dreams are made by man and are also forms of life.This is a lyrical record a few years ago, and the classical lyricism does not quite meet modern needs. " After reading the letter, she forced a smile, intending to use this indifferent smile to remove the pain in her heart.But it can't be done. Tears rolled down his face while laughing.How much people and things have changed in a thousand days!How different the present evening is. She also wanted to use the "past" to abuse herself, so she took a letter with the most paper and looked through it.Number forty-nine, the day of March 16 five years ago.The second-year student in the university wrote when she discovered the little relationship between her and one of the two brothers: "The dew wets the grass, a piece of spring. I saw a pair of turtledoves flying over the ridge and landed in the bamboo garden. Hearing its cry, I realized that my shoes and trousers were completely soaked, and the yellow mud on my sleeves was almost dry. I had been walking in the fields for most of the night, and now I returned to my residence at dawn. I don’t need to talk about it, you You should understand why I tortured myself like this.

When I came to this place, I hoped to be alone and lonely to isolate my body and mind from the real society.I will educate myself with reflection.This education is naturally endless.It's been five months now, and I haven't seen any major progress. I mean, since I became aware of a terrible thing you have done, I have searched in every way for a rock that can stabilize my life again, but I can't find it.But I believe there will be progress, because time heals or corrects everything.Since it is true to be fanatical about people, there is nothing wrong with it.Used cautiously and appropriately, it can be used as a garland of life for a person, precisely because it must reflect the beauty of youth in others at the same time.If this fanatical impression is well preserved, it can also warm people's half-cold hearts at another time, restore the light and shadow of youth, and bring back childhood dreams!But where has my fanaticism in the past few years been used and what results have been produced, I ask you?It is precisely because this matter is too painful for me, so I want to be quiet to myself, and from the quietness, I can watch the fire in my heart, how to burn in my blood, let it burn slowly, until I die!Although people don't really die, it is conceivable that only a pile of ashes remains in the end after being burned!

For many days, I didn't close my eyes all night, thinking about the gains and losses of the relationship between people and me, or being close to being abused, or close to abusing others.It always seems that there are men and women in this world, either their hearts are trampled and trampled and treated as fruit cores, or their hearts are thrown around and used as pawns.I want to prove the reality from the void, and it seems that I have experienced a very terrible experience, and finally stabilized my life.I regarded suicide as a stupid and cowardly act, and I overcame myself. All the jealousy and hatred disappeared in my mind, and I wanted to live well.

I can also say that everything is fine now.Thank you for your letter of concern and sympathy.As for the meaning revealed between the lines, I understand very well.Your apologies and repentance are almost superfluous and unnecessary.You don't need to be polite and perfunctory to me in this regard, because our relationship has surpassed the need for hypocrisy to maintain friendship or love.You are honest, I believe so. Tragedy is inevitable because of your excessive honesty, I believe it too.In short, I completely believe in everything now, but I also believe in my premonition about the two of you, I still have to leave you!The letter said, you still want to hear my dream.I am really still dreaming now, this is the last time, under this dim light, I will use the pen you are familiar with to capture dreams.As you said, I will still let these words kiss your beautiful eyes one by one.You are happy about this, keep this letter, you are tired of it, especially after the tax student has the opportunity to come by your side every day and praise you with all kinds of flattering words you like to hear, then When those liar lips kiss your beautiful eyes, you'd better burn this letter.

I don't want it to have a place in your life.I don't have to, and this should be the last time I spend my life in this way. Why is the world so quiet?It seems that they are all dead, only my heart is immortal.My heart has obviously been beating for you for many days, but you don't cherish it very much, and you are willing (whether you want to or not) to trample on it and then abandon it. Yes, when it comes to abandonment you deny, you never abandon anyone.No, I don't have to tell you any more, those words and things don't make any sense. I seem to be on a seaside, the seaside I dream of, living in a small house in a small village that is absolutely lonely, if I want, I can see the sea from the small window.The sea is like a piece of sapphire blue, a little white sail and a line of purple smoke at the end of the day.The room is very simple, without any decoration.I seem to be sitting by the window, listening to the sea waves gently nibbling the rocky walls and sandy beaches on the shore. This small house should be a place you are familiar with, because it happens to be the seaside that you and I have dreamed of for years!But the situation is very different now, very different from what you imagine. 'Who just walked out of the small room, leaving behind an indescribable lingering fragrance of makeup?Who is it? 'no answer.Maybe more than one person. I answered it myself. It must not be a tanned woman.I suddenly thought that there was such a woman who stayed in this small room for a long time before and did some very touching things with another man.I looked at the long and narrow mirror embedded in the closet door. In the mirror, there seemed to be a soft shadow with long neck and weak shoulders with beautiful hair like clouds. The hands and feet were exquisite and immature, and there were smiles and frowns in being loved.She also saw a pile of beige silk clothes at her feet, and a bunch of small red flowers in front of the bed, which were about to wither, symbolizing the moment when a person's soul melted in the frenzy.I understood the fragrance, it was the fragrance emanating from the flesh of this woman with exquisite but immature siblings.Confusion arose in me, and suddenly a dreadful disturbance arose.I couldn't stay in the small room any longer, so I had to go outside. After walking out of the small house, I passed a pile of dark-colored stones of different sizes, and saw some small clam shells sticking to the rocks and turning white.Passing another bean field, the branches and leaves are covered with white and purple flowers.I sat down on the beach. Slowly it was night.The night tide is rising in silence, and the sea gradually disappears in a purple mist.The purple mist occupied the sea and the ground, and nothing could be seen.I felt absolutely alone, and life seemed to be sinking into the depths of the ocean, but it wasn't terribly scary. I thought that if you were by my side, only you and I would be left in this world, what a wonderful thing!After a while, the stars appeared in the sky, finely divided, and with the faint starlight, the outline of the small house could be seen.There was still a little residual heat from the day in the sand, so I stuck my palms on it for a long time.The sea water and my heart are beating gently. I need love, and I came to this beach just for love. I have a premonition that there should be such a person on this sandy beach, who leaves some lingering fragrance of flesh in the small room, and still vaguely retains a smiling shadow of a cloud-like hair, small waist, white teeth and smile in the mirror.She must be resting somewhere on this sandy ground, she should have something to wait for!So I walked on, the beach was narrow and long, and I was going to walk all night.The stars in the sky dimmed.There is a big star shining in my heart.Yes, there really is a star's brilliance, because I had you five months ago on this seashore.But you, like Xingzi, have been far, far away from me in the past three months. I ask you, can a person live with this kind of dream, but let another person verify that dream with you in another place?Forget me as a person, and this last ridiculous dream of mine, because that's not what you need.In the past few years, I really felt like I was fighting against God. I always wanted to transform you, thinking that even if I lived in an unbearable vulgar society, my spirit must still have the strength to move upwards and make "life" a chapter of poetry.But in the end I have failed completely.Although God cares about your body and shows great care in making it, he leaves the work of creating your soul to social habits.You, like many women, are extremely close to a living being.I know the word "love" from novels and poems, and they all praise and praise this word, but the explanation for this word is terribly simple.All thought 'you love me, well, you love me.I am young, I am not responsible for everything! (I don't even take the responsibility of knowing this word well!) I'll talk about it later.The meaning of the word "feeling" is attached to the flesh, confirmed by the stomach and limbs, and has almost nothing to do with the nerves.Nerves do not need a fervor that melts gold and stone, and life has no depth.Nor beauty, nor music, nor poetry—all that is needed is a person, a marriage, and a life in which nothing is necessary, according to social custom!Survival has no ideals, life has no illusions, in order to concentrate on having children!Although there is a little fantasy or ideal, it is almost enough to use it in the care of hair style and clothing length when you come to the city.This is what I call the 'more biological' side of women.It really has power in human life, it can decorate the lives of a few, but it will destroy the habits of the majority!You have always only known the meaning of beauty that belongs to the body, which naturally proves that you are a woman, suitable for everything 'as usual'.I want to wrestle with God, put into your life the passion of poetry or music, and give you a strength that overcomes a woman's usual weakness, so that life has an upward chance.It turned out that only one thing was accomplished, and I had completely failed.Your needs are very normal, and you will always be passive in love, trying to use the least amount of energy to get a family, and then save the most energy to prepare to raise children.Weakness of temperament is the mark of motherhood. From a biological point of view, it is a woman's nature to be coquettish before marriage, and she must become a mother before she can concentrate her emotions.So flirting is not a sin.From the behavior point of view, you are a real "parasitic grass", no matter in emotion or life, you will never need to hope for self-improvement.Although the starry sky is very magnificent, it is not suitable for female creatures.Although you think that all the abstract concepts that transcend the world are beautiful and lofty, in fact, you are more suitable to live in a humble reality. No noble ideal can take root in your life and flourish like a man.I have admitted this failure, so I can only leave with you forever.You are still young, at least you can say that you still have some remaining youth, suitable to spend it with some men in the most socially customary way, and the future will not be very embarrassing.Especially when I leave, you will never be embarrassed.Those who are stingy with a penny may be able to keep it for other uses tomorrow; those who are stingy with giving life, this flow will not live and will not return to life, you can’t keep it, let alone keep it in the way you treated me, I really want to keep it Youth, only make good use of this youth.Cherishing life is not refusing to love, it is caring with a person, reviewing the past when you are lonely in the future, and enduring the loneliness you deserve! No, I don't need to say these things!You understand enough.According to a biological woman, you will not be lonely.Poets all imagine that when a woman reaches the age of 30, her body is restricted by nature, and when her softness and gentleness can no longer attract the attention of men, she must be very lonely.This can be said to be entirely out of the man's absurd imagination!God has arranged a group of children for you at that time, enough for you to live happily and contentedly.Most of the boudoir poems in literary works are written by men, and the scope of consciousness of a few women's works only expresses the wish of "not being a mother".Although I know that you left frivolously, I will never be jealous of your frivolity again.It is precisely because of these few months of being alone and reading several great books that I understand that the source of frivolity is the nature of every woman.But I am a little worried about you, worrying that your temperament must make life tiresome and weary.Especially with such a temperament and a little ideal.Although your personality makes you willing to give and receive frivolous love in many ways, your ideal makes you unwilling to marry a person casually, so there must be many entanglements in your life.Fortunately, you often like to say 'everything is destined', so I don't need to babble on this matter.I should wish you luck. " After reading the letter, some impressions of the past left behind softened her heart.She said to herself, "Yes, because of my personality, all my friends left me cruelly for almost the same reason. I will not be lonely, because I am a woman, and of course I don't know what loneliness is! But What do you men know? You think you know women so deeply and know that women have a weakness that belongs to biology. From the type to see the individual, to discover so many women’s souls, why do you still blame women for everything and use this letter to abuse me! Knowing women They all have inherent weaknesses, and they understand that the environment restricts people. The society treats women very unfairly. For self-defense, women are used to lying to cover up part of their faults. Why do they always curse women for hypocrisy? Knowing that women are quite timid, but Everyone needs a loyal lover and a stable family. Why do you lose your self-confidence when you are slightly disappointed when you ask for a woman, and walk away? If you can’t be perfect, you want to die. This is God’s will , or is it a bad habit of human beings? For women, love can't purse the soul; for men, why, after so many souls have been soaked, does the heart become so narrow? Why does a person know so much about others? I know so little about myself? I know so much about life, but why can’t I forgive women? Yes, no matter whether I understand loneliness or not, frivolity is natural or man-made, love or marriage, of course I can do my own thing Deal with it. No matter whether it is happiness or misfortune in the future, if I want to live, I will live in my own way. If the society doesn’t want me, I don’t care about the society.” Thinking about going further and further away from this topic, she felt that this would not work.She was a little sad.It seems that he is still ready to quarrel with this friend.But if a friend came to her at this time, she would definitely not say anything.She really needs him to love her, and also needs him to know her more.She couldn't stand the unkindness in the letter.