Chapter 6 six

Originally, I wanted to use the "past" to resist the "present", but after a bunch of "past" things gathered in my mind, it seemed more difficult to deal with.She really didn't know what to do, so she refolded several letters one by one, and still put them in the "Little Letter of Love Eyebrow".I read a few pages of the book at random, and seemed to see a glimmer of light or hope from the book.The author is a poet who is good at going crazy from a bunch of abstractions, and he has been dead for nearly ten years.Time had rotted the man's magnificent body, and blurred the impression of his beauty in the friendly memory of his lover.Young people in their twenties can no longer understand the fanaticism expressed in this book, as well as the forms of love, loneliness and joy in a slightly embellished and artificial way.After reading it, she seemed to understand something that others did not understand.

She thought, I must cheer up, I must cheer up, and was about to open a half-read novel when the sound of leather shoes came from the courtyard.The college student who was next to him every day had changed into a new suit, his head was slicked, and his face had just been shaved. He stood by the door and smiled obsequiously.She also smiles.The emotions of the two are naturally completely different.In this way, the person in front of her brought her back to the world of the twentieth century.There seemed to be a voice in her ear: "typical vulgarity", which she felt was an echo of jealousy.Because the person who said this has been away from her for a long time.She calmed down for a while, then frowned slightly and asked the college student, "Did you just make the clothes?"

That typical of the 20th century, put two hands that only know how to play poker in his trouser pockets, making the air of a lover in a beautiful movie, and said vaguely: "Does my clothes look good? The new look in Hong Kong. You were the day before yesterday." That dress is so pretty! I invite you to go to the movies and watch "Soul Returns to Lihentian" through seven o'clock. " "Money came from your family, didn't you?" But I thought to myself, "Watching movies is your only education. When will you return to Lihentian?" He smiled foolishly and remained silent, as if he understood everything the other party said and thought in his heart.

Because he just borrowed 50 yuan from a fellow villager, he didn't explain it, he just acted like "the uncle is rich".After a while, he patted the waist of his trousers and said, "I'm rich! I want to buy a ticket upstairs.Change into your nicest dress.We both wear new clothes. " It's not very interesting to say.But he said casually, "They all say you are beautiful!" She was happy to hear people's compliments on her, but she pretended not to care about it but to believe it, and with a slight air of resistance, she casually asked the college students, "Who are they? Are they your good friends?"

The student will not pay attention to this inquiry, because his eyes have been diverted to a small white orchid on the table.Hold the flower in your hand for a while, smell it, and then put it in the small pocket of the western clothes. Seeing the behavior of the college student, she remembered the scene of Hu Si smearing powder and spraying perfume not long ago. She was not happy, and took the flower in her hand, "Don't take this, I want to wear it." "That won't work. I'm glad. Get me well." "I don't like it. How can a man use this flower? It's not a show."

"What, what, I don't act! I just want it!" The college student pretended to be coquettish, and he was vague and tired when speaking.She felt very unhappy, but the college student didn't understand.In the end, he snatched the flowers away, tilted his half-flat gourd head, and smiled flatteringly and coquettishly, as if he had won a big victory a second ago, and he was honorable and brave.The voice was pressed between the throat and nose, "Go to the movies with me, I want you to go, change into that beautiful dress!" She shook her head unhappy, "I don't want to go today. You only want me to do these things and nothing else.

Shall we sit down and talk?Why do you just want to hang out? " "I love you..." He stopped talking, because he felt that the air today was slightly different from usual.Wanting to ease herself, she learned from the movie about the protagonist of love, and hummed a short song about broken love. The voice was vague and vague like speech, which made her feel vulgar and ridiculous.Her tone softened a bit in her smile. "Look and see for yourself. I'm not happy to go out with you today." The college student pretended to be a girl from a small family who was slandered by jealousy, bit his lip, "did someone else?"

She agreed casually: "Yes, someone else asked me out. I want to stay here alone and wait for him. You can go." The college student looked injured, his body was originally short, so he shrunk even shorter, his cheeks were swollen red, and he said angrily, "Then I'm leaving." Then he changed his tone and said, "Why are you unhappy? Then he said passionately, "You have changed your mind. Good, good, good." She just doesn't make a sound. The college student said sarcastically and resentfully, "You don't want to go, fine." So she got angry and said seriously: "You go, the sooner the better. Don't come to me in the future."

But the college student clearly knows her weakness, the rainstorm doesn't last all day, the wind never ends, it's just for a while.He still smiled obsequiously and called her a foreign name he specially chose for her, and said to her: "×××, I will wait for you there, and I will buy two tickets." "I won't come. There's no need to wait." "You will definitely come." "I will never come." "Then I dare not blame you! I'm leaving." After the college student left, she seemed to relax a lot physically and mentally, and was a little surprised by her behavior and attitude today, why she was able to dismiss this person.

After leaving this small room in the twentieth century, after a while, the yellow sunset light on the window brought her back to another abstraction of life.The thing is obvious, "The nineteenth century has triumphed today." She thought about it and laughed.Remembering what my old friend said, "There is eternal spring in my eyes, and eternal spring in my smile", I said to myself, "Oh, God, you let me see heaven in one day, and I am close to the ground. Is this called life?" ?” After a pause, there seemed to be a vague voice answering in the silence, “I bought a ticket and waited for you. I am very happy when you come. If you don’t come, I will be angry, disappointed, drinking, insomnia, Nervous. Are you afraid?"

"Are you neurotic? Are you mentally ill too?" "I'm leaving, let your female classmate come back to your side, are you afraid?" Of course, there is nothing to be afraid of, what is scary is that moment.Time passed, she had to think!She thought of the college student, that bit of pretentiousness, and being wronged and careful, all for the sake of loving her.Her mood was different.I forgot the pretentiousness, the "poetry" and "fire", and the incompatibility of "modern" and "classical" in life, and felt that I shouldn't disappoint the college students just now.Quickly moved the mirror to the table, turned on the light, opened the powder box, and evenly applied makeup on the mirror. After two o'clock, the two were sitting side by side on soft chairs in the movie theater, enjoying that kind of modern life, and felt that they were a modern couple. people.By the end of the scene, both of them seemed to have received a little education from the movie "Soul Returns to the Heavens".The two ate something in a nearby cafe and then walked slowly among the young men and women on the street.The college student just thought silently, "I'm going to be lucky, it would be great if I got a hundred thousand yuan." As for her, she was really stimulated in her heart, and she was not very happy.The two of them were walking side by side, but unknowingly moved away from him, and suddenly asked the college student. "XX, what will you do after you graduate?" "I'm looking for something to do. There's work in the world to eat." "Yes, you can eat only if you have a job. But what do you do? Did you ask your godfather to find something?" The college student was a little anxious, and his words became more and more vague: "XX, this is your old classmate's tone, making fun of me. Who is my godfather? I don't want to be a godson! I asked Mr. Zhou from my hometown to help me find a Things to do. If I can’t get a job, I will study for another two years. I want to study knowledge. If it’s not ideal, I will go to the Yunnan-Burma Highway to run a single gang. " She thought to herself, "What books can you read? What kind of knowledge do you study?" Remembering the old classmate's curse, she said, "You have to play hard and work hard. A man has to be a little manly!" "I must—someone speak for me!" "Why do you need help from others instead of working hard yourself? You are being a man, a man! You don't need help from others to be a man." "Bad luck, so..." "What is luck? I don't think your concept of life is very good." Because the tone of his voice had a hint of contempt and displeasure towards the college student, the college student felt aggrieved, so he pouted his mouth and stopped talking.He never said the words, what he thought was: there are many unfair things in the world, everyone is unruly, and the worst people have ways to do it.I, surnamed X, try my best to study dead books until I die, what's the use?I want to be human too, and I want to make love too!I'm having sex now, and as soon as I'm in love, I can start thinking about being a serious person.But how to behave and what kind of person to be, he has no concept in his mind.Just like many things, after thinking about it for a while, there is no result, so that's all. To say that it is a single gang is just talking. When college students make "most modern" imaginative designs for life, she also thinks about it, and a kind of classical emotion is growing in her mind.She thought, "Why would I hang out with such a vulgar mediocre person? There is no achievement in reading, and the mind is muddled. It is just honest. The other side of honesty is uselessness. What kind of life is this?" "I have a headache and I need to go back by car," she said. After getting in the car, I turned around and saw this college student who felt happy in new clothes. He put his hand around his mouth and wiped it. Like the lover in the movie, he threw a kiss to her.She smiled out of habit.When I got back to my residence, my head really hurt a little. "Poetry" and "fire" are far away from life, and I can't find them in my memories.Recalling those letters, I went back to my residence and wanted to write a letter to my ten-year-old friend five thousand miles away, but when I wrote it, I didn't know what to write.My heart was really messed up, but in the end I wrote down those few words in the diary. "One person has one's own destiny, and this so-called destiny is just formed by past habits and weaknesses in one's character." When she searches for what is her weakness, it seems that for the first time Fang discovers that she is actually a "woman".That's enough.An old friend said that a woman is arranged by nature, and her physiological organization is not suitable for thinking deeply about life, otherwise, she will sink into the mire of thinking and cannot extricate herself. She felt physically and mentally exhausted and needed to rest.Tomorrow is the continuation of today, everything will continue, and there must be a long "past" attached to it.A string of memories is also a string of burdens. Although it can decorate youth, it does not help rebuild life at all.She thought to herself, "Why didn't I kill myself? Is it a strength or a coward?" She didn't understand why she felt that way.Although thinking about this incident, it is not terrible, because at the same time, I also think of all the expressions of the college student loving her, so I said to myself, "It's fine if everyone doesn't forgive me", which means that someone understands me.No need for more people to know.What is the use of knowing alone?All concern becomes trouble and increases confusion.True understanding should be a little trust and tolerance, loyalty without exception, and service without asking for compensation, without self at all.But she was really tired at this time, and what she needed was still quiet.But quietness and loneliness are just neighbors, she understands.She seemed to understand everything, but she didn't know how she could rebuild her life. She really wanted to cry, but she put her beautiful head on the pillow and fell asleep after a while. Written on July 18, 1940 Rewritten at the end of October 1942