Chapter 4 Four

After she returned to the residence, some memories gnawed at her heart.Put the bouquet of plateau blue flowers into a small goblet-shaped vase in front of the window.I changed some flower water and had nothing to do, so I sat down and admired this bunch of small flowers.The people who lived with me hadn't come back yet, and it wasn't time to light up the lights for dinner, and the weather was muggy and cloudy before dusk.She knew she was so tired, and that a longer period of rest, both physically and mentally, would be of great help to her. After a while, the bunch of blue flowers by the window seemed to have withered, and she thought to herself, "What's the use of keeping this thing here?" But she didn't get rid of it.What she thought of was just a sigh of personal life, and it had nothing to do with vase flowers.

Therefore, I think of an old friend's opinion on a person's life, play with this abstract concept, and wait for the dusk. "In fact, life is useless. All pure poetry is born from this, reflecting the magic and beauty of light and shadow of life. Although any body is born with natural restrictions and metabolism, it will completely lose its meaning at a certain point, but the life in the poem will last for a hundred years. Green." Although life can produce poetry, if the body has become meaningless and cannot cause madness, then if poetry lasts for a hundred years, what meaning does it have for life?

One cannot live with poetry, especially not a woman.Especially her, she thought it was inappropriate. But she didn't dislike poetry at this time.The old friend seemed to know that she would be alone, she would think when she was alone, and she would be lonely when she was thinking, so he specially gave her a small gift, a little poem.It was left when he left her last three months ago.And poetry also retains an unforgettable impression.She kept her poems in a file case, but in my impression, she retained a warm and slightly sad feeling.The poem is a little strange in general. Xiaopingkou Jianchunluo was still popular last year, and this dusk seemed extraordinarily quiet, extraordinarily quiet.

In the evening, counting the personnel changes, I saw the grass extending to the edge of the pond. Let me ask you, should this be "melancholy" or "joyful"? Between the small windows, there is a thin and charming sunset. The green grass is spread like a green cloud, and the place where the green clouds meet is the end of the world. The poet said, "The grass is as green as a rug, and people are far away and the world is close," Does this compare to what you think is "reasonable" or "not true"? The world has changed, the world has changed, yes, everything has to change, the rainbow in my heart will still appear after the rain.

Dissolving the personality and soul is called "love". How many times do personality and soul need to be dissolved? Love is a weird word that burns people's hearts. Because of love, thousands of stars (and Chang Gung Star) hang above the sky. There is a smile in your eyes in the stillness, and your black hair and pale face turn into an abstraction. The warm words warmed her heart, and she felt both happy and melancholy.There also seemed to be a little pity and love, slowly growing in my heart.But I don't know whether to love my past or pity my friend's present.There seems to be a vague desire to grow, but this friendship has surpassed the closeness of the senses, and has become another abstract fit for many days.In order to capture the impressions and images of friendship, I wrote poems. The poems themselves are actually close to an abstraction, which seems too far away from what she can get in her daily practical life.She was a little resentful, a little disturbed, a little bewildered as she appreciated the subtleties of friendship.

Jianchunluo in the vial has also withered for many days.Although the green grass by the pond is not seen at this time of year, it is known that it is extending to a high place amidst the chaos as usual, and it is green at a glance.The small window Chang Gengxing has not yet appeared. ... All of this seems to be completely someone else's business, and has nothing to do with her.There seemed to be nothing in my room, and my heart was boundless, filling the silence before dusk. The sun was about to end, and the leaves of the large nanmu trees outside the yard were gently shaking in the breeze, just like an invitation.She leaned alone by the window, looking at the colorful clouds in the sky, counting the people and events in the poem, and unconsciously said to herself, "What a beautiful evening, what a terrible scene!" Unavoidably because of a pile of past or dreams, she felt very weak physically and mentally, as if anyone could take her away.As long as someone says, "I want you, come with me," you will follow that person unconsciously.Since the person she wanted would not come at this time, she had a premonition that the college student she didn't want would come.I had to sit down and write something, as if words could fix her desire.Take her to think about the "past" before she can turn to the "future" and resist the unbearable "present".She took out a pen and paper, and tried to write a letter to her old friend, telling him a little about her life.

"XX, when I came back from work, I was sitting by the window in a daze. I didn't feel good about it. Re-reading your little poem again, it is really touching.But you know, a little bit of pain is inevitable.You seem to be doing it on purpose at this point, abusing a friend's feelings with words, especially when she's a little bored with life!The weather has turned better, I know you must still stay in Guilin.You stay to mean not to see me.What a smart teacher, smart enough to use isolation to educate people!It's been fifteen days since I moved here, and I haven't seen you for almost three months. You should understand what this kind of experiment means to me.I'm really getting a terrible education.I couldn't bear it, but I endured it in silence.This is what I deserve.But, to be fair, this is what I deserve?An admirer who lives in the same room is innocent and cute. The sirens sounded in her imagination. She is only worried about the Grand View Garden being attacked by air. It is conceivable that she has a charming personality. This is the character you often say is rare, and you must appreciate it.

Looking out from the window of our residence, through the gaps in the woods, we can see the Chang Gung star you mentioned every day.I don't understand why your heart is so hard, you know my loneliness, but you refuse to visit me.Sometimes I always think so stupidly, there should be someone who comes to me, stays with me, and with the same heartbeat, looks at the evening star in the blue sky that has experienced many vicissitudes from the window, and let this star look at us!Even a minute and a second is enough, you can review this twilight scene for a lifetime, and you won't feel bored!I am really lonely, and my heart needs to be really close to a tender and sincere heart.As much as you are angry with me for my recent behavior, you understand that I need your forgiveness and will always deserve your forgiveness!Before I write this, I want to tell you again, I am a woman!As usual, a woman is powerless to resist being cared for by others, and it is not ignorant to be confused.But not in the long run.

She has a weight in her heart about the importance of friendship.It is okay to say that this is a woman's stinginess.In short, she knows good and evil, as long as the time is a little longer, her mood will be more stable.It's not in her nature to be heartbroken.Anger is just a moment of confusion.You understand that I am currently suffering double torment for facts and ideals. The ideal is getting farther and farther away from me, and the fact is getting closer to me.I hate my current self.I am not a man who can live in frivolity as you imagine.I long for peace, and it's okay to be alone.I only want one... I didn't get what I wanted, but in my life, there are a bunch of things attached to my life. I can see clearly that it is really vulgar and ordinary.But this is my fault?Others laugh at me, you shouldn't be so cruel to me.You understand the matter, who is in charge of this fate?I have to struggle, you should treat me as you have in the past, and believe that I can go up.This trust has helped me so much.

And only this kind of trust can bring back my confidence in life. " Looking at the letter after it was written, it seems that the emotions and the facts do not quite match.It seems that a sentimental woman of the nineteenth century, with a touch of Flaubert's Martin de Beauvary style, wrote such a letter.Personal life is in the conflict between the classical style and the modern reality. The needs of the soul and the needs of life are in conflict with each other.Keeping this letter is a taboo and a misunderstanding.Sending it to old friends will only add terrible rumors and many, many unnecessary entanglements, so read it after writing it, and then burn it.After the letter was burned, I felt a little regretful, but it was a pity that my life full of youthful fantasies at this time had no place to arrange it.

After a while, I feel that the form of enthusiasm in the nineteenth century is not very fashionable nowadays, but if it can be preserved for people at the end of the twentieth century, it might become a moving legend!At the same time, there may still be a small number of "classical" appreciators at that time!Praise and wonder at this life form!So I searched again from the ashes and found a little remnant.The search results were just a pile of ashes. When I tried to search from my memory, I got something else, which also retained some romantic style of nineteenth-century love. This was left by another friend six years ago.This friend is really as she predicted, and now she is rotten, rotten, and it seems that only some impressions, some sentences, and the last quarrel between the two of them two days before the separation were left in her heart in this world, and everything else has been wiped out. She wrote this last quarrel, using the way old friends write poems, and wrote it down as a small poem: I need to see spring from your eyes, see the tiny white dots on frangipani flowers; I am happy, I love . I am far away from you, but my heart is not far away. You say "love" or "not love" is all empty words, you should believe it.Do not believe it or not. How many stars are there in total in the sky? We are only silent, only dumb. Who hangs up the rainbow of the day and cuts it off? That's not me, not me, you know it should be the wind's fault. The sky is raining more and more, what should I do? The weather is cold and my heart is really hot, and there is a fire burning in my heart. Burn the blood in the veins, all right. I seem to have had a dream, and I am still dreaming. It can burn a fire, love and resentment, jealousy and suspicion, the shadow of a smile, meaningless sighs, all of which can be burned without a trace; after burning, people will be quiet, how wonderful. You have to be quiet and I will go away tomorrow. Go far away, let dreams and memories get lost, I'm gone, never come back. As soon as this person walked away, it was really like dreams and memories lost their way and never came back to her.But she is not quiet.Try to review the green moss in Wagou in the common impression of the past, which is as green as a piece of emerald jade in the rain.A long rainbow in the sky disappears and reappears.When the autumn wind blows in the suspicion and jealous imagination, the rainbow disappears, and the green moss has withered like a piece of mud grass in this situation, and its color is yellow: "Let it burn, and burn it in memory." She felt a bit of pain, but it was also a kind of enjoyment. She thought to herself, "To live evil, to die peacefully." Her eyes were already moist. A terrible scene in the past came back to her memory repeatedly. "Why are you leaving?" "For jealousy." "Why be jealous?" "This emotion is a man's nature. You are not sincere, not specific, and not loyal, so I..." "You don't understand me, I will always be loyal. My problem may be that I am too loyal and not big Knowing to be fake, some behaviors are likely to be inconsistent with your selfish and exclusive emotions." "Yes, you are real. As long as someone says you are beautiful and cute, you will respond faithfully. A slut can say the same, because they are all faithful." "This can also be said to be one of my weaknesses. But..." "That's enough! Once it is admitted as a weakness, there will naturally be a tragedy." She thought, "Yes, tragedy, you can't bear it, you have to go, go far away, go to a strange place, fall down, die, everything is over. Let me live like this, how is it not a tragedy? A Women’s nature of being afraid of loneliness should not be a sin! In all facts in society, you men always think that women and men must not talk about everything together, but when it comes to love, you forget that we are a woman. Forget that men and women have emotional differences. The difference is even bigger. And I have forgotten how much society treats women unfairly in this regard! If it is a tragedy, men should also bear half of the responsibility, at least half of the responsibility!" Every friend who walked away from her must leave behind a small gift, together with a painful impression of being discouraged by disappointment.She is willing to forget all these things, but more terrible pasts follow her.When it comes to the brain, it is like a large swarm of bees, buzzing and churning into a ball, inseparable. "Okay, everyone who wants to come, come, try it out, and finally figure it out." Suddenly, I felt an interest, that is, an interest in reflecting on myself from other people's behavior, and what life is all about.