Chapter 17 Chapter Seventeen

"What are you doing, Hester, my dear?" asked Philip. He was rolling his wheelchair down the aisle.Hester leaned half out of the window. She was startled when she heard the sound, and shrank in. "Oh, it's you," she said. "Are you observing the universe, or are you contemplating suicide?" Philip asked. She looked at him defiantly. "Why do you say that?" "Obviously you are thinking," said Philip. "But, frankly, Hester, that window is useless if you are contemplating such an action. Not high enough. Think how unpleasant it would be for you to break an arm and a leg, instead, For example, the release you desire?"

"Michael used to climb down that magnolia tree through this window. It was his secret way in and out. Mother never knew." "Something your parents never knew! A book could be written. But if you're thinking about suicide, Hester, there's a better place to jump off by the gazebo." "Just above the river? Yes, and you'll be smashed to pieces on the rocks!" "The trouble with you, Hester, is that your imagination is too theatrical. Most people are perfectly content with burying themselves in a gas stove or taking a lot of sleeping pills."

"I'm so glad you're here," said Hester unexpectedly. "You don't mind talking things over, do you?" "Well, actually, I don't have much else to do now," said Philip. "Come to my room, let's talk again." When she hesitated, he continued: "Mary's downstairs, go make me some nice messy breakfast herself." "Mary won't understand," said Hester. "No," agreed Philip, "Mary doesn't understand at all." Philip pushed the wheelchair forward, and Hester walked beside him.She opened the living room door and he wheeled his chair inside.Hester went in afterward.

"But you understand," said Hester. "why?" "Well, you know, there's always a time when you think about that kind of thing... Like, when I have an accident, I know I'm probably going to be crippled all my life..." "Yes," said Hester, "it must have been terrible, terrible. And you were a pilot, weren't you? You flew." "As high in the sky as a tea tray in the sky," agreed Philip. "I'm sorry," said Hester. "I'm really sorry. I should have thought about it and had more sympathy!" "Thank goodness you didn't," Philip said. "But anyway, that period is over now. You get used to everything, you know, and there are things you didn't understand then, Hester. But you always will. Unless you did something very impatient and very stupid in the first place." Now, tell me all about it. What's the trouble? I think you've had a fight with your boyfriend, the serious young doctor. Is that the trouble?"

"Not a quarrel," said Hester. "Worse than arguing." "It'll be all right," said Philip. "No, it won't," said Hester. "Impossible—ever." "You exaggerate too much. Everything is black and white to you, isn't it, Hester? There's no such thing as half black and half white." "I just couldn't help it," Hester said. "I've always been like that. Everything I thought I could do or tried to do was always wrong. I wanted to live my own life, to get ahead, to do something. Nothing worked, I was useless .I've often thought about taking my own life. Ever since I was fourteen."

Philip looked at her with interest.He said in a calm, serious voice: "Of course there are a lot of people who kill themselves, between the ages of fourteen and nineteen. It's very uneven. Boys kill themselves because they don't think they can pass their exams, girls kill themselves because their Mother won't let them go to the movies with unsuitable boyfriends. This kind of period is like a colorful movie, joy or despair, melancholy or extremely happy, and it will always leave this stage. Your problem is, Hai Sturt, you'll take longer than most to escape." "Mother was always right," said Hester. "Everything she doesn't want me to do and I want to do, she's right and I'm wrong, I can't take it, I just can't take it! So I think I've got to be brave. I've got to go and fend for myself. I I had to test myself. And everything was wrong. I had no way of performing on stage."

"Of course you didn't," said Philip. "You haven't got any training. You can't 'get in', as they say in show business. You're too busy dramatizing yourself, my dear. You are now." "And at the time I thought I had a proper relationship," Hester said. "Not a stupid girl's affair. An older man, he was married, and he was very unhappy." "Old-fashioned," said Philip, "and he took advantage of it, no doubt." "I thought it was going to be—oh, love in a big way. You're not laughing at me, are you?" She stopped and looked at Philip suspiciously.

"No, I'm not laughing at you, Hester," said Philip softly. "I can imagine how much pain you must have had." "It's not some great love," said Hester bitterly. "It's just a stupid, cheap little romance. What he told me about his life, about his wife, wasn't true. I—I just threw myself in. I'm a fool, a Ridiculous, cheap little fool." "Sometimes, you have to learn by experience," Philippe said. "That didn't do you any harm, you know, Hester. Maybe helped you grow up, or would help you grow up if you let it."

"Mother is so--so capable," said Hester, in a tone of indignation. "She used to sort it all out, and at the same time tell me that if I really wanted to do acting, it'd be better to go to drama school and act decently. But I didn't really want to act, and by then I already knew myself No way. So I'm coming home. What else can I do?" "Perhaps a lot can be done," Philip said. "But that's the easiest." "Oh, yes," said Hester excitedly. "You do understand. I'm very weak, you know. I do always try to do what's easy. And if I rebel, it's always too ridiculous not to really work."

"You have very little confidence in yourself, don't you?" said Philip gently. "Maybe that's because I was just adopted," Hester said. "I didn't find out, you know, until I was nearly sixteen. I knew everything else, and then one day I asked, and—I found out I was adopted, too. It was terribly frightening to me, as if I Doesn't belong anywhere." "You are terribly dramatic," said Philip. "She's not my mother," Hester said. "She never really understood how I felt. She just indulged in kindness and cared for me and made arrangements for me. Oh! I hate her, I'm terrible, I know I'm terrible like this, but I hate her!"

"Actually, you know," Philip said, "most girls go through a brief phase of hating their mother. That's not really that unusual." "I hate her because she's right," Hester said. "Being right all the time is so scary. Makes you feel more and more immature. Oh, Philip, everything is so scary. What do I do? What can I do?" "Marry that fine young man of yours," said Philip, "and settle down. Be a good doctor's wife. Or is that not grand enough for you?" "He doesn't want to marry me now," said Hester sadly. "Are you sure? Did he tell you so? Or was it just your imagination?" "He thinks I killed my mother." "Oh," said Philip, and paused for a minute. "Do you have any?" he asked. She turned sharply to look at him. "Why do you ask me that? Why?" "I thought it would be interesting to know," said Philip. "Just for the family to know, in other words. Not to tell the authorities." "If I did kill her, do you think I'd tell you?" said Hester. "It's much wiser not to tell me," agreed Philip. "He told me he knew I killed her," Hester said. "He told me that as long as I admit it, as long as I confess to him, it will be fine, we will get married and he will take care of me. He - he will keep it a secret." Philip whistled. "Tut, tut, tut," he said. "What's the use?" asked Hester. "What's the use of telling him I didn't kill her? He won't believe it, will he?" "He should believe it," said Philip, "if you tell him." "I didn't kill her," said Hester. "You understand? I didn't kill her. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't," she broke off. "It doesn't sound convincing," she said. "Facts often sound unconvincing," Philip encouraged her. "We don't know," Hester said. "Nobody knows. We all look at each other. Mary looks at me. And Kirsty. She's been so good to me, so protective. She thinks it's me too. What chance do I have? That's it, don't you understand? I What chance is there? Go to the headland and jump off by yourself, it will be much better..." "For heaven's sake, don't be a fool, Hester has other things to do." "What else? How could it be? I've lost everything. How can I go on like this from day to day?" She looked at Philip. "You think I'm crazy, unbalanced. Well, maybe I did kill her. Maybe I've got a conscience, maybe I can't forget—here." She pointed her hand dramatically to her heart. "Don't be a little idiot," said Philip.He suddenly reached out and pulled her towards him. Hester slumped over in his chair.He kisses her. "What you want is a husband, my dear," he said. "Not that serious little fool, Donald Craig, full of psychotherapy crap. You're stupid, ignorant and—very cute, Hester." The door opens.Mary Durant suddenly stood quietly at the door.Hester struggled to his feet, and Philip gave his wife a sheepish grin. "I'm just trying to cheer up Hester, Polly," he said. "Oh," said Mary. She came in cautiously and put the tray on the small table.Then she pushed the table beside him.She did not look at Hester.Hester looked from Mr. to Mrs. in bewilderment. "Oh," she said, "maybe I'd better go-go-" She didn't finish. She went out and closed the door behind her. "Hester is in a bad mood," said Philip. "Thinking about suicide. I'm trying to dissuade her," he went on. Mary didn't answer. He reached out to her.She turned away from him. "Polly, did I make you angry? Very angry?" She didn't answer. "Probably because I kissed her, I suppose? Well, Polly, don't resent me for that ridiculous little kiss. She's so sweet and stupid--I suddenly feel--well, I feel It would be fun to flirt and have a good time. Come on, Polly, give me a kiss. Give us a kiss and we're made up." Mary Durant says: "You'll be cold if you don't drink the soup." She went in through the bedroom door and closed it behind her.