Chapter 18 Chapter Eighteen

"There's a lady downstairs who wants to see you, sir." "A lady?" Calgary looked surprised.He couldn't think of anyone who might come looking for him.He looked at the work on his desk and frowned.The porter's voice sounded again, in a cautiously low voice. "A real lady, very nice lady." "Oh, all right. Let her come up, then." Calgary couldn't help smiling to himself.The cautiously understated reassurance hit his sense of humor.He wondered who might want to see him.He was completely surprised when his doorbell rang and he went to open it to find Hester Argyle standing before him.

"You!" an exclamation of complete astonishment.Then, "Come in, come in," he said. He pulled her into the house and closed the door. Strange enough, his impression of her was almost the same as when he first saw her. She wore clothes that defied London tradition.She wasn't wearing a hat, and her black hair fell like an elf around her face.A dark green skirt and sweater peeked out from under a heavy tweed coat.She looked as if she had just run in from the wilderness and was out of breath. "Please," said Hester, "please you must help me." "Help you?" He was startled. "How to help you? Of course I will, if I can help," "I don't know what to do," said Hester. "I don't know who to turn to. But someone has to help me, I can't go on, and you are the person. You caused everything."

"You're in trouble? Serious trouble?" "We're all in trouble," Hester said. "But people are selfish, aren't they? I mean, I only think about myself." "Sit down, my dear," he said softly. He cleared the papers from the armchair and made her sit down.Then he went to the corner cupboard. "You must have a glass of wine," he said. "A glass of sherry without water. Appropriate?" "Whatever you want, it doesn't matter." "It's cold and humid outside. You need something to drink." He turned, glass and decanter in one hand.Hester sat sinking in the chair, a strange and very wild sense of elegance touched his heart.

"Don't worry," he said, setting the glass beside her and pouring. "Things are often not as serious as they seem, you know." "Everyone says that, but it's not true," Hester said. "Sometimes it's worse than it looks." She took a sip of her drink, and then said accusingly, "We were all fine until you came, very fine. And then—then it all started." "I don't pretend," said Arthur Calgary, "that I don't understand you. I was totally taken aback when you first said that to me, but I understand better now—the news I brought What did it bring you?"

"As long as we think it's Jack—" Hester broke off. "I know, Hester, I know. But you have to go deeper, you know. You're living in a semblance of security. It's not real, it's just pretend—artificial set on stage ...something that stands for security, but isn't really, can never be." "You mean," said Hester, "to have courage, and that it's no use clinging to easy pretense, don't you?" She paused for a minute and then said, "You have courage! I know that. Come and see for yourself." Tell us. Don't know how we're going to feel, how we're going to react. You're brave, and I admire courage because, you know, I'm not really brave myself."

"Tell me," said Calgary softly, "tell me what the trouble is. It's something special, isn't it?" "I had a dream," said Hester. "There was someone—a young man—a doctor—" "I understand," Calgrell said. "You guys are friends, or, maybe, more than just friends?" "I thought," said Hester, "that we were more than friends . "Well?" said Calgary. "He thinks I did it," Hester said.Her words came quickly. "Or maybe he doesn't think I did it, but he's not sure. He can't be sure. He thinks—I can see he thinks—that I'm the most likely. Maybe I am. Maybe we're Both thought the other was the most likely. And I thought, someone has to help us with this mess, and I thought of you, because of that dream. You know, I got lost in the dream and I couldn't find Don, he Leaving me and there's a big, big ditch there - a bottomless abyss. Yes, a bottomless abyss, sounds deep, deep, doesn't it? Deep - unsettling Dare to jump over it. And you're on the other side, you put your hands out and say 'I want to help you'." She took a deep breath. "So I came to you. I came here to find you because you have to help us. If you don't help us, I don't know what will happen. You have to help us. You brought it all. Maybe, You'll say it's none of your business. Say once you tell us—tell us the truth about what happened in the past—it's none of your business. You'll say—"

"No," Calgary interrupted. "I wouldn't speak of that kind of work. It's my business, Hester. I agree with what you say. When you start something you have to keep going. I feel the same way you do." "Oh!" Hester blushed.Suddenly, as she always was, she looked beautiful. "So I'm not alone!" she said. "There is someone." "Yes, my dear, there is someone—whatever he's worth. I'm not worth much so far, but I'm doing my best, and I never stop trying to help." He sat down and pulled his chair approached her; "tell me all now," he said. "Is it very serious?"

"It was one of us, you know," said Hester. "We all know that. Mr. Marshall came and we pretended it must be some stranger, but he knew it wasn't. It was one of us." "And that young man of yours—what's his name?" "Don Jr. Donald Craig. He's a doctor." "Xiao Tang thinks it's you?" "He's afraid it's me," said Hester, wringing her hands dramatically.She looks at him. "Maybe you think it's me too?" "Oh, no," said Calgary. "Oh no, I know very well that you are innocent."

"You make it sound like you're really sure." "I'm quite sure," said Calgary. "But why? How can you be so sure?" "Because I told you what you said to me when you left. Do you remember? What you said to me about innocent people. You couldn't have said those things—you couldn't have felt that— —unless you're innocent." "Oh," cried Hester. "Oh—what a relief! Knowing someone actually feels that way!" "Now then," said Calgary, "can we discuss it calmly?" "Yes," said Hester. "Now I feel -- it's completely different."

"Purely a personal interest," Calgary said, "while keeping in mind that you know how I feel about this, why would anyone think you would kill your adoptive mother?" "I might kill her," said Hester. "I often feel like killing her. One does feel mad with anger sometimes. Feeling so useless, so—so helpless. Mother was always so calm and so brilliant and omniscient, and she was right about everything. Sometimes I think, 'Oh! I want to kill her.'" She looked at him. "Do you understand? Didn't you feel that way when you were young?"

That last sentence gave Calgary a sudden pang of pain, perhaps like the one he'd felt when Michael told him "You look older" in the dry-mouthed restaurant. "When he was young?" Did his youth really seem to Hester so long ago?His thoughts swung back to the past.He remembered himself, at the age of nine, talking to another little boy in the garden of the preparatory school as to the best way of getting rid of their first grade teacher, Mr. Warbur.He remembered how haggard he had been with his nameless rage when Mr. Warbur had ridiculed him in particular.That's how Hester felt, he thought.But regardless of him and Xiao-what's his name? ——Pokey, by the way, Pokey is the name of the little boy——although he and little Pokey discussed the plan, they never took any actual action to kill Mr. Warbur. "You know," he said to Hester, "you should have gotten over that feeling years ago. Of course, I can understand that feeling." "Purely just because my mother had that effect on me," Hester said. "I'm beginning to see now, you know, that it's all my own fault. I feel that if she's going to live longer, it'll be until I'm older and more settled, and then—then we'll be odd Friend. I would have been glad of her help and advice. But—but then I couldn't bear it; because, you know, made me feel so useless, so stupid, everything I did wrong and I You can also see that the things I do are stupid. I do them purely because I want to rebel. Want to prove that I am me. And I'm nothing. I'm fluid, yes, that's it Words," said Hester. "Fluid. Never got into shape for long, just wanted to get into shape over and over again - into shape - to be someone else I looked up to. I thought, you know, if I run away from home and go on stage and act and fall in love with somebody, So--" "Then you feel that you are yourself, or at any rate, that you are an accomplished person?" "Yes," said Hester, "yes, that's what it is. Of course I do understand now that I behaved like a foolish little child. But you have no idea what hope I have now, Calgary. Doc, mother is alive now. Because it's so unfair - not fair to her, I mean. She did so much for us, gave us so much. We gave her nothing in return. And now it's too late There." She paused. "That's why," she said suddenly vividly again, "I've decided not to be stupid or to be childish. And you'll help me, won't you?" "I have already said that I will do everything in my power to help you." She gave him a rather lovely smile. "Tell me," he said, "what happened." "Just what I thought was going to happen," Hester said. "We all looked at each other suspiciously and didn't know. My father looked at Gwenda thinking maybe it was her. She looked at my father not sure if it was him. I don't think they're going to get married right now. It spoils everything. And Tina Think Michel had something to do with it. I don't know why because he wasn't there that night and Kirsty thought it was me trying to protect me. And Mary - my big sister you haven't met - Mary Think Kirsty did it." "Then who do you think did it, Hester?" "Me?" Hester looked surprised. "Yes, you," said Calgary. "I think, you know, it's pretty important to know who you think did it." Hester spread his hands. "I don't know," she lamented. "I just don't know. Scary as I say it--but I'm scared of everybody. Seems like behind every face there's another face. A--a wicked face I don't know. I don't Feeling sure that Father is Father, and Kirsty keeps saying I can't trust anyone—not even her. And I look at Mary and I don't think I know her at all. And Gwenda I've always liked Gwenda. I've always been Glad my father is going to marry her. But now I'm not sure about Gwenda anymore. I see her as a different person, ruthless and—and vengeful. I don't know what kind of person anyone is. A terrible feeling of unhappiness." "Yes," said Calgary, "I can see that clearly." "So much unhappiness," said Hester, "that I can't help feeling that there's also the murderer's own unhappiness, and that that might be the worst of all...do you think that's possible?" "Probably possible, I suppose," said Calgary, "but I doubt—I'm no expert, of course—I wonder if the murderer was ever really unhappy?" "But why not be unhappy? I think that must be the most dreadful thing. Knowing you've killed someone." "Yes," said Calgary, "a dreadful thing, so I think the murderer must have been one of two kinds. If it hadn't been for a man to whom killing wasn't a dreadful thing. The kind who say to themselves, ' Oh, of course it's a pity to have to do that, but it's necessary for my own good. After all, it's not my fault. I'm just—er, just have to', and then—" "What?" said Hester. "What kind of person is the other murderer?" "I'm just guessing, you remember, I don't know, but I think if you're what you call another murderer, then you can't live unhappy with what you've done, you have to be honest about everything Or rewrite the story for yourself. Put the blame on someone else and say, 'I would never have done something like that unless—' What, what, what, what.' I'm not actually a murderer, because I'm not No intention to kill. It just happened, so it was fate and not me.' Do you understand a little bit of what I'm trying to explain?" "Yes," said Hester, "I think it's interesting." She half closed her eyes. "I was just trying to think—" "Yes, Hester," said Calgary, "yes. Think as much as you can, for I must see things through your mind if I am to help you." "Mike hated Mother," Hester said slowly. "He always hated her...I don't know why. Tina, I think, loved her. Gwenda didn't like her. Kirsty was always loyal to Mother, though she Don't always think everything mother does is right, father—" She paused for a long time. "How?" Calgary urged her. "Father was very distant again," Hester said. "After my mother died, you know, he was completely different. Not so - how should I put it - distant. He was kinder, more alive. But now he's back somewhere - somewhere you can't get close to him Dark place. I don't know how he feels about his mother, really. I think he loved her when he married her, they never fought, but I don't know how he feels about her. Oh"— —her hands spread out again—“One really doesn’t know how other people feel, you know? I mean, behind that face on their face, behind all the nice things they say every day? They might To be victimized by love, hatred or despair, and no one knows! It's dreadful... oh, Dr. Calgary, it's dreadful!" He took her hands. "You're not a kid anymore," he said. "Only children are afraid. You're a man, Hester. You're a woman." He let go of her hand, and said solemnly, "Have you any place to live in London?" Hester looked a little bewildered. "I suppose so. I don't know. Mother usually lives in Curtis." "Well, it's a nice, quiet hotel. If I were you I'd go there and book a room." "I'll do anything you ask me to do," said Hester. "Nice girl," Calgary said. "What time is it?" He looked up at the clock. "Ah, it's almost seven o'clock. You go and book a room yourself, and I'll pick you up around seven forty-five to go out for dinner. What do you think?" "Excellent," said Hester. "Are you serious?" "Yes," said Calgary, "I mean it." "But what about going down? What will happen if you go down? I can't stay in Curtis Hotel all the time, can I?" "Your horizon always seems to be limited by infinity," Calgary said. "Are you laughing at me?" she asked him suspiciously. "Just a little," he said, smiling. Her expression wavered and then she smiled too. "I think," she said to herself, "I'm probably being dramatic again." "It's your habit, I suspect," said Calgary. "That's why I thought I was going to be good on stage," Hester said. "But it's not. I can't at all. Oh, I'm a lousy actress." "All the drama you want is available in everyday life, I think," Calgary said. "Now I'm going to take you to a taxi, my dear, and then you go to Curtis's. Wash your face and comb your hair," he went on. "Do you have any luggage?" "Oh yes, I've got overnight stuff." "Okay." He smiled at her. "Don't worry, Hester," he said again. "We'll figure it out."