Chapter 17 Chapter 2 Schweik's Expedition

Xenophon, a famous general in ancient times, traveled all over Asia Minor and God knows where else without a map in his hand.The ancient Goths (2) did not have any topographical knowledge, but they also completed their expeditions.Expeditions are strides straight forward, deep into remote places, surrounded by enemies who are always ready to attack. When Caesar's army was in the far northern kingdom (by the way: they didn't rely on any maps to get there), they decided to take a different route when returning to Rome, so as to see more of the world.They also walked home, perhaps because of the famous saying "all roads lead to Rome".

In the same way, all roads lead to Budijuweis, which the good soldier Schweik is absolutely convinced of.Therefore, when he saw not the area of ​​Budjuvice, but a village near Mirivsko, Schweik still walked westward with difficulty.On the road between Kvitov and Uraz he was late for an old lady who had just come out of church.She greeted him Christianly and said, "Good day, soldier. Where are you going?" "I'm going to my regiment at Budjuweis," replied Schweik. "I'm going to war, ma'am." "But you went the wrong way, soldier." The old lady said in a panic. "Going on like this, you'll never get there. If you keep going straight, you'll come to Kratov."

"Then I think I can walk from Kratowy to Budjowice," said Schweik with an air of resignation. "Naturally, this journey is not short, especially for someone like me who is willing to do his best. If he can't return to the alliance sooner, he will definitely suffer." The old lady looked at Schweik with pity and said, "Wait here in the bush, and I'll get you some potato soup to keep you warm. You can see our hut from here, in the bush Behind the building, to the left. You can't go to our village, where there are as many policemen as flies." Schweik waited for her in the bushes for more than half an hour before the poor old woman brought potato soup in a basin and wrapped it in a cloth to keep warm.When Schweik finished his soup and felt warm, she took a large piece of bread and a piece of bacon from a bag, stuffed them into Schweik's pocket, crossed him, and told him that the front line She has two grandchildren.Then she carefully repeated the names of the villages he had to go through and the villages he had to avoid.At last she took a piece of silver from her skirt pocket, gave it to him, and told him to buy some brandy to drink.

Shuai Ke walked along the road pointed by the old lady.Near Skikan he met an elderly tramp.He offered Schweik a hearty gulp of brandy, as if he and Schweik had known each other for years. "Don't walk around in your clothes," he advised Schweik. "That uniform will probably do you bad luck. There are plenty of policemen around here, and you won't have to ask for anything in that suit. The police aren't as hard on us as they used to be. They're here to deal with people like you now." "Where are you going?" the tramp asked after a while.Then they all lighted their pipes and walked slowly through the village.

"To Buddyewish." "My God!" exclaimed the vagabond. "If you go there, they'll catch you right away. You won't even have the slightest chance of escaping.All you want is a suit of ordinary people's clothes, preferably dirty and messy, then you can pretend to be a disabled person.But you needn't be afraid.You can walk four hours from here to a place where an old chap of mine lives, an old shepherd.We can spend the night there, and next morning go to Strakonis and get you a suit of common people's clothes there. " The shepherd turned out to be a very obliging old fellow.He remembered some of the anecdotes his grandfather had told him about the French wars.

"Didn't it be, boys," he explained, as they all sat down around the fire, over which potatoes were cooking with their skins on, "when my grandpa was alive, he drove as well as this soldier here Desperate. But when he got to Wardnani he got caught and beat him all over the back. But he ain't got it, he's not far off. There's a guy in Plutius , he was the grandfather of old Jarisch, who was watching the fishpond, and he tasted a tube of gunpowder in order to escape, and he was killed in Pisek. They flanked him before shooting him on the ramparts of Pisek He was beaten six hundred times with a stick. After the beating, he wished to eat the bullet to relieve the pain. When did you desert?" He asked Schweik.

"Just after my name was called and they told us to walk into the barracks," replied Schweik, who felt that since the old shepherd believed him to be a deserter, he could not shake his confidence. "Then where are you going now?" "He's mad, really," replied the bum for Schweik. "He's not going anywhere else, he's only going to Buddy Juves. That's what an inexperienced lad like him is going to do. I've got to teach him a thing or two. First, we've got to get some clothes for the common people, and we'll be fine with that." Got it. We can get through the winter and then find a place to do some crop work. Y'all have a bit of a hard time this year. One guy told me they're going to get us bums and put us in the fields Work. So I think we might as well just go of our own accord. There won't be many left, and we'll be sure to catch them all."

"Do you estimate that this battle will be finished this year?" the shepherd asked. "Oh, boy, you're right. The early wars never ended. First the Napoleonic Wars, and then I've heard people say: the Swedish War, and the Seven Years' War." The water with the potatoes boiled.After being silent for a while, the old shepherd said in a prophetic tone: "But he doesn't have to think about winning this war. Our emperor can't win it, my boy. Everyone is not on his side. People say that this war When the war is over there will be no more emperors, and they will divide the royal estates. The police have caught a few people who say that. Well, the police can do what they want now."

The shepherd then poured out the water in the potato pot, and put sour goat milk on the dish.They finished their meal so-so, and soon fell asleep in the very warm little room. In the middle of the night, Schweik quietly put on his clothes and slipped out.Emboldened by the rising of the moon in the east, he took advantage of the moonlight to walk eastward, muttering to himself, "Sooner or later I shall come to Buddjuwes." Unfortunately, after leaving Plutium, he was supposed to go south to Budjuvice, but he went north in the direction of Pisek.Towards noon he saw a village nearby.As he was coming down a hill, a policeman emerged from the white thatched hut behind the pond, like a spider lurking in a web.He went straight up to Schweik and said, "Where are you going?"

"To Buddjuwes, to my regiment." The policeman smiled sarcastically. "But you're going in the opposite direction. You've left Buddyewish behind." He dragged Schweik to the police station. "Oh, we're glad to meet you," began Putim's inspector, who was known to be resourceful and shrewd at the same time.He never threatened the prisoners who were arrested or detained, but subjected them to a kind of interrogation, and finally even the innocent confessed their guilt. "Sit down and relax," he went on. "You must be tired after walking such a long distance. Well, tell us where you are going?"

Schweik said again that he was going to Budyuweis's team. "Then you're going the wrong way," said the inspector, smiling, "because you're not going towards Buddyewish, you're going behind it." The inspector looked at Schweik kindly.He replied in a calm and dignified tone: "Nevertheless, I am going to Budjovis." "Then listen," the inspector said to Schweik, still in a very friendly tone, "I want to prove you wrong. In the end, you will know that the more you deny, the harder it is for you to confess." "You are right," said Schweik, "the more you deny it, the harder it is to confess." "That's right. Now you understand: I want you to tell me straight up, where did you start to go to you Buddyewish?" "I started from Tabor." "What are you doing in Tabor?" "I waited there for the train to Budjuwais." "Why didn't you catch the train for Budjowes?" "Because I don't have a ticket." "Then why didn't they give you a free pass? You're a soldier, and that's what you're entitled to." "Because I don't have my ID with me." All the officers at the station looked at each other meaningfully, and the inspector went on: "So you're staying at Tabor Station. Do you have anything in your pocket? Let's see what's there." They searched Schweik from head to toe, and found nothing but a pipe and matches.Then the inspector asked again: "Tell me why you have nothing in your pocket?" "Because I don't need anything." "Why," sighed the inspector, "you're a troublemaker! Have you been at Tabor Station long?" "Stay till the last train for Budjowes leaves." "What were you doing at the station?" "Chat with some bosses." The inspector exchanged another meaningful glance with his colleague. "What did you talk to them about? What kind of questions did you ask them?" "I asked what regiment they were from and where they were going." "I see. Didn't you ask them how many men there are in the regiment and how it's organized?" "No, I didn't ask about that, because I know it all by heart. I knew it years ago." "So, you know a lot about military deployments." "I suppose so." Then, the inspector looked around at his subordinates, and played his trump card triumphantly: "Do you speak Russian?" "Won't." The inspector nodded to his assistant.When the two of them were in the next room, he rubbed his hands, proud of his complete success this time, and that he was sure to get away.He announced: "Hey, did you hear? He doesn't speak Russian. The lad is as cunning as a truckload of monkeys. He confesses to everything but this most important question. Tomorrow we'll send him to Pittsburgh." The chief of police at Thack. The trick to dealing with these thugs is to be alert at all times, and at the same time, to be kind to them. You saw how I got on him? You wouldn't think he was that kind of guy, would you? ?He looks like a country idiot, but that's the kind of guy you have to watch out for the most. Well, you shut him up and lock the door.I'm going to draft a report. " So the inspector spent the rest of the afternoon drafting his report with a smile on his face, using the word Spionageverda-chtig in every sentence. The further he went on, the clearer the situation became.Finally, he wrote in his wonderful official German: "The enemy officer shall be escorted to the chief of the Pisek police station today, and I report this." Thinking of his achievements, he smiled, and then put His assistant shouted: "Have you given the enemy officer anything to eat?" "According to your order, sir, only those who have been brought before noon and have passed the interrogation will be provided with food." "This is a very serious case," said the inspector with dignity. "He's a senior officer. He's on the staff. The Russians don't use corporals to spy on the military. You can send someone to the Tom Cat Restaurant and order him lunch. Then tell them to make tea and put some rum. Send it all here. Don't say who it's for. Honestly, we catch someone and don't tell anyone. It's a military secret. What's he doing now?" "He wants a little tobacco. He's sitting in the guardhouse, looking as contented as he is at his own home. 'It's nice and warm here,' said he, 'and your stoves here are too. No smoke. I've had a good time. If your stove smokes, the chimney ought to be swept. But only in the afternoon, never when the sun's on the chimney,' said he .” "Oh, that just shows how cunning he is," said the inspector, in a voice full of complacency. "He pretended he didn't care. Anyway, he knew he was going to be shot. And though he was an enemy, there's something admirable about that sort of man. See, you could say he's dying. I haven't Dare to say whether we can let go or not. We may shake for a while, and draw back. But he sat there and said, "This place is comfortable and warm, and the chimneys here don't let smoke out." '.This is what is really called courage.unambiguous!If a person wants to do such a thing, he must first have nerves and bones like steel.He has to have backbone and guts.It would be nice for us Austria to come and have some guts.It's not that we don't have heroes here.I also saw in the newspaper...But then again, we're wasting our time chatting here.Go get him a meal, and bring him to me later. " When Schweik was brought in, the inspector thought for a moment, and then proceeded to his kind of interrogation. "What are you going to Buddyewish for?" "Go up to the Ninety-first Regiment." The inspector told Schweik to go back to the guardhouse, and, before he forgot, he added to the letter he was drafting for the chief of the Pisek police department: "The prisoner speaks a familiar Czech and is going to Buddjuwes is in the 91st Regiment of Infantry." The inspector rubbed his hands cheerfully, satisfied that he had collected such a wealth of information, and that he had used his cross-examination methods to obtain such details.He smiled comfortably, and took down a secret order issued by the Prague Police Chief from the file rack on his desk. It was marked "confidential" as usual. The content of the secret order was as follows: Police authorities in various places must strictly guard all pedestrians passing by within their jurisdiction, which is a top priority.Since our army fought in Eastern Galicia, several Russian armies have crossed the Carpathians and invaded our territory, thus shifting the battle line further to the west of the empire. In this new situation, the vicissitudes of the battle lines have made it easier for Russian spies to penetrate deep into our country, especially in the provinces of Moravia and Silesia.According to secret reports, a large number of Russian spies have sneaked into Bohemia from these two provinces.Among them, it has been proven that there are many Czechs from Russia who were trained in Russian military schools and are good at Czech.Such people are especially dangerous, since they are capable of spreading treasonous propaganda among the Czechs, and it is estimated that it has already been spread by this time.We hereby order the police authorities in all places to detain any suspicious persons.The barracks, military depots, and the vicinity of stations where military vehicles pass by should be especially tightly guarded.Once a pedestrian is detained, he should be interrogated immediately, and then handed over to the relevant superior for handling.This order. The inspector smiled with satisfaction, and put the secret document back on the shelf marked "Secret Order".There are also many secret orders on the file rack, which were drafted jointly by the Ministry of the Interior and the Ministry of Defense.The Prague Police Department was busy copying and distributing these secret orders all day, including: Instructions for local population movements should be followed closely. Instructions on how to use conversation to detect the impact of news ahead on local population movements. A survey of local residents' attitudes towards and subscriptions to war bonds. A questionnaire on the emotions of those who have already enlisted and those who are about to enlist. Instructions to immediately ascertain which political party the local residents belong to and the proportion of the population of each political party. Heed instructions on where to go from local party leaders. Order concerning the investigation of the friends of persons suspected of treason and the determination of their manifestations of treason. Orders on how to scout out informers from among the local population. Whistleblowers receiving allowances from all over the country shall be ordered to register for military service in accordance with the chapter. Every day, new orders, regulations, questionnaires and instructions were sent in, and the inspector was so busy with these voluminous documents issued by the Austrian Ministry of the Interior, the huge backlog of documents made him dizzy.He responded to the questionnaires that were sent him in the same stereotyped way.The answer is always: everything is going well, and the loyalty of the local population is first class.The Austrian Ministry of the Interior devised one of the following standards to show the people's loyalty to the empire: first-class A, first-class B, first-class C; second-class A, second-class B, second-class C; third-class A etc., third grade B, third grade C, etc.; fourth grade A, fourth grade B, fourth grade C, etc.The last grade, A, meant that treason deserved the gallows, B, that it should be detained, and C, that it should be watched or imprisoned. The inspector often shook his head in dismay as he watched the batches of papers and orders relentlessly coming at him with each postal shipment. As long as he saw the familiar envelope with "Internal official documents, postage paid", his spirit would break down.Thinking about all this at night, he concluded that he would never live to see the end of the war.The police station questioned him every day: Why hasn’t he answered the questionnaire of No. 72345 No. 72-aef, or asked how he handled the No. 88892 No. 822 gfeh, or v After receiving the order of No. 123456 No. 19222 bfr, what effects have been achieved and so on, he has been confused as to what to do. Yes, the Inspector has lost sleep for several nights.He was always waiting for an inspection or investigation.He had dreamed of hanging himself, or of being hanged.In the dream, just before he was hanged, the Minister of Defense asked him in person: "Inspector, how did you reply to the order of XYZ No. 1789578 No. 23792?" But now his future looked brighter.The inspector had no doubt that the chief of the police station would pat him on the shoulder and say, "Congratulations, inspector, congratulations!" It will be famous all over the world.In this way, it opened the way for his future ten thousand li Pengcheng. He called his assistant over and asked, "Has the lunch been delivered?" "They sent him some bacon, with cabbage and dough balls. The soup was out. He had some tea, and more." "Then make it for him," agreed the inspector so generously. "When he's finished his tea, bring him to me." Half an hour later, when Schweik was brought in, having eaten to his heart's content, the inspector asked: "How is it? How have you eaten?" "Oh, it's not bad, except that the cabbage is missing. But, that's what--I know you didn't expect me to come. The bacon is pretty smoked. I'll bet it's home-smoked. Then A cup of tea with liqueur is so comforting." The inspector looked at Schweik, and then began to ask: "The Russians are terrible at tea, aren't they? Do they have rum too?" "Rumé can be found anywhere in the world." "Hey, boy," thought the inspector, "you're trying to hem me over, aren't you?" So he burst out like a machine gun, "What are you going to do in the Ninety-one? " "I'm going to the front." The inspector stared at Schweik with satisfaction and said: "Yes, that's the easiest way to go to Russia?" Then he thought to himself happily: "That's not a bad idea, it's a good strategy." He watched how Schweik would react to what he had just said, but all he saw was a calm composure. "The kid doesn't even bat an eyelash," he thought with a sense of surprise. "That's his military training. If I was in his place, I'd knock my knees and shake if anybody talked to me like that." "We're taking you to Pisek tomorrow morning," he announced to him in a casual tone. "Have you ever been to Pisek?" "Yes. It was in 1910, when the Imperial Army was performing exercises." When the inspector heard this answer, his smile became even more cheerful and complacent.He now fully believes that the effect of his cross-examination method has exceeded his estimation. "Did you participate in the exercise from beginning to end?" "Of course, I'm an infantryman, and I won't stop halfway." Schweik still looked at the inspector with his usual calm expression, and the inspector was so happy that he couldn't help it.He could not restrain himself, and hurriedly wrote this into the report.He called his assistant and told him to take Schweik away, and then he summed up his statement like this: According to the detective: This person conspired to infiltrate into our Ninety-first Regiment in order to request immediate transfer to the front line, and to go to Russia as soon as possible.According to the prisoner's observation that our authorities are on tight guard, otherwise he would not be able to return to Russia.He must have had a good relationship with the 91st Regiment, and after repeated questioning at his post, he learned that the prisoner had participated as an infantry soldier in all the exercises of the Imperial Army near Pisek as far back as 1910.It can be inferred from this that the prisoner must have been well-trained as a spy.Furthermore, the acquisition of all criminal evidence this time depends on the interrogation method uniquely created by the post. Having finished writing, the inspector came to the guardroom.He lit his own pipe, and handed the tobacco to Schweik to fill his pipe. The assistant added fuel to the fire, so, in the twilight of deep winter, this police station became the warmest corner on earth suitable for conversation. But no one had anything to say.The inspector was thinking to himself.Finally, turning to his assistant, he said: "In my opinion, a spy should not be hanged. A man sacrifices his life to do his duty, to serve his country, and in the end he should enjoy more than hanging." Decent treatment. He should be given a bullet, don't you think?" "Yes, that makes sense. Shoot them, not hang them," agreed the aide. "For example, if we were sent to find out how many machine guns the Russians had in their machine-gun regiment, we'd take off our uniforms and go. And then, if I got caught, hanged me like I did Seems like murdering one's life for money, isn't it quite unfair?" The assistant stood up excitedly and shouted: "I insist that he must be shot and buried with military honors." "Yes, that's true," interrupted Schweik, "the only difficulty is: what if the fellow is so clever that they can't catch any evidence?" "Oh, can't you catch it?" said the inspector emphatically. "If they're as clever as he is, and if they've got their way, they can catch it. You might have a chance of seeing it all for yourself." The assistant nodded in agreement, and said that it was bad luck for anyone who tried to play that kind of game; it was no good for a man to pretend he didn't care, because the more he evaded, the more he showed himself. "Oh, you've got the knack of my method, you've got it," declared the inspector triumphantly. "Yes, it's good to keep a calm head, but in the end it's still useless. Since it's a fake appearance, it's still corpus delicti⑻ after all." At this point in the discussion, the inspector stopped, turned around and asked his assistant, "Hey, what do you have for dinner today?". "Sir, aren't you going to eat at the Tom Cat Restaurant?" With this question, the inspector faced another problem that must be solved immediately.What if the man escaped while he was out?Although his assistant had let two tramps escape, he was reliable and cautious enough. "We'll send the old woman to get some supper. She'll bring a jug for beer," was the inspector's solution to the problem. "It will do her good to let that old girl stretch her legs a little more." The old girl who waited on them really stretched her legs a lot.After dinner, there were still activities on the way from the police station to the Tomcat Restaurant.The frequent traces of the granny's special boots printed on this line of communication can prove that although the inspector did not visit the Tom Cat Restaurant himself, he had already fully enjoyed the benefits.When at last the old woman came to the bar and said that the inspector had sent a message asking if the barter could sell him a bottle of brandy, the boss's curiosity could no longer be restrained. "What distinguished guest did they come?" answered the old woman. "A man of suspicion. Just before I came out, the two of them had their arms around his neck, and the inspector patted his head and called him darling." Something like an old man." Then, in the middle of the night, the inspector's assistant, in full uniform, was asleep on his trundle bed, snoring loudly.The inspector, who was down to the bottom of the brandy bottle, threw his arms around Schweik's neck.Tears were streaming down his flushed face, his beard was stained with brandy, and he muttered incoherently: "You have to admit that Russian brandy doesn't sound like that." He got up and staggered into his own room with the empty bottle, muttering all the way: "If I--if something goes a little wrong, maybe it--everything--is all over." Then he took the statement from his desk and wanted to add the following addition: It should be added that according to Article 56, Russian brandy... He got a puddle of ink on the paper, licked it off, and with a smirk, collapsed into a deep sleep in full military uniform. When it was almost dawn, the inspector's assistant lying against the opposite wall snored for a while, mixed with a high-pitched nasal sound, which finally woke Schweik up.He got up, shook the assistant, and lay down again.At this time, the rooster crowed, and the sun soon rose.The old lady also overslept from running around the night before, so it was time to light a fire.She found the door was open, and everyone was fast asleep.The oil lamp in the guard room was still smoking.The old woman yelled and dragged Schweik and his assistant out of bed.She said to the assistant: "You are not ashamed, you sleep with your clothes on, like an animal." Finally, she told him emphatically to call the inspector, saying at the same time that they were a bunch of slackers. , I only know to sleep all day long. It was very difficult to wake the inspector up.His assistant had a hard time convincing him that it was morning.Finally he looked around, rubbed his eyes, and began to remember what had happened the day before.Suddenly, a terrible thought startled him, and he looked at his assistant anxiously, and said: "He hasn't slipped away, has he?" "No, he knows how to be pretty." The assistant started pacing up and down the room. At the same time the inspector was re-copying his statement, for he had licked a puddle of ink which looked as though it had been smeared with marmalade.He arranged the whole text again, and then remembered that there was one thing he hadn't interrogated yet.So he sent Schweik and asked, "Can you take a picture?" "meeting." "Why don't you have a camera with you?" "Because I don't," Schweik answered so simply. "But if you had one, you'd have to take it, wouldn't you?" asked the inspector. "If pigs had wings, they could fly," replied Schweik, looking mildly into the inspector's questioning face.The inspector had a terrible headache at this moment.The only question he could think of was: "Is it difficult to follow the train station?" "That couldn't be easier," Schweik replied, "because the train station is always in one place, not moving, and you don't have to tell it: put on a happy face." Therefore, the inspector can conclude his report as follows: Regarding the report No. 2172, Mr. Qi Junzuo added the following... And this is what he added: ... During the interrogation, the prisoner confessed that he took pictures, and You Xi took pictures of the station.Although Zhi did not find a camera on him, it is speculated that he would hide it elsewhere in order to avoid attracting attention by carrying it with him. This is proved by his statement that if he carried a camera, he would take pictures. The inspector, still dizzy from the drink he had drunk the day before, was getting more and more confused in his report about the photograph.He went on to write: According to the confession, he did not take the station building and other defense fortifications only because he did not carry a camera ear with him.Gou He was carrying the necessary photographic equipment at that time, and he was convinced that he would definitely take the picture; the equipment was just hidden elsewhere.The former staff failed to find a photo on him, only because he did not bring photographic equipment. "Enough written," said the inspector, signing the paper.He was satisfied with what he had done, and read the report to his assistant with great satisfaction. "It's a real job," he said. "That's the way the report is written. Everything has to be included. I tell you, interrogating a prisoner is not easy, sir. It's not easy. If you can't squeeze all the plots in, it will cause trouble for those guys up there." Note, telling them to straighten up is tantamount to writing in vain. Call that kid in and we'll make it clear to him." "This gentleman is going to take you now to the chief of the Pisek police station," he announced to Schweik with pomp and circumstance, "you should have been handcuffed according to the rules, but I think you're a decent man, so We won't wear it for you this time. I'm pretty sure you won't slip away on the way." The inspector was obviously moved by Schweik's gentle face.He added: "And I hope you don't hate me. Take him away now, where is the report." Schweik followed the assistant on the road.Seeing these two people talking cordially along the way, people thought that they must be very old friends, and they happened to go to the city together at this time. After a while, they came to a small shop by the road. "It's very windy today," said the assistant. "It won't hurt us to take a sip or a half of something. You don't have to let people know I'm taking you to Pisek. That's a state secret." Before the assistant entered the store, he believed that a sip of wine would not get in the way. He was too optimistic, because he did not estimate that this principle might be applied on a large scale.When he had taken his twelfth sip, he announced firmly that the sub-bureau chief's lunch would not be until three o'clock, so there was no benefit in going early, not to mention that there had just been another snowstorm.If they could get to Pisek by four o'clock, there would be plenty of time.As long as you can arrive at six o'clock, you can take it easy.Pisek couldn't escape anyway. "It's not bad luck for us to find such a warm and nice place in this bad weather," he said. "The boys in the trenches are much more miserable than we are here to warm up." By the time the aide decided they could start for Pisek, it was dark and they could not see a yard in the snow.The assistant said: "Follow your nose, go to Pisek and count." He said this over and over again, but when he said it for the third time, his voice was no longer coming from the main road, but from a low place: he was walking along a snow-covered field. The slope slid down.Holding on to his rifle, he climbed back to the road with great difficulty. When he finally found Schweik, he said in a perplexed and despondent tone: "I probably lost you." "You needn't worry about that," Schweik said. "It's better to tie us together, so that neither of us can lose the other. Do you have handcuffs?" "A policeman always has handcuffs," said the assistant sincerely, circling Schweik vigorously. . "It can also be said that handcuffs are our personal treasures." "Put it on, then," Schweik urged. "Let's see how it looks on." With some skillful fiddling, the defender of the law fastened one end of the cuff to Schweik's hand, and the other to his own right wrist.At this time, the two of them are connected together like a pair of Siamese twins⑼.They walked inseparably along the road, and whenever the assistant stumbled, he dragged Schweik down with him.As a result, the handcuffs tore through the flesh of their wrists.Finally, the assistant said loudly that he couldn't take it anymore, so he had to let go of the handcuffs.He tried in vain to separate himself from Schweik, so he sighed and said: "We are bound together forever and ever." "Amen!" Schweik replied.They continued on their troublesome journey.The assistant was very depressed, and after many terrible ordeals, when they finally reached the Pisek police station at night, he was completely broken.He said to Schweik on the stairs: "It looks like there's going to be a quarrel, and we can't do without each other." The uproar started when the branch inspector asked the branch chief, Captain Konig, to come out. The captain's first words were: "I smell a scent." "Oh, old chap, I've got your bottom," said the captain, his keen and experienced sense of smell allowing him to see exactly what was going on. "Red wine, brandy, lemon whiskey, cherry brandy, light wine, white wine." "Inspector," he continued, turning to his men. “这是个反榜样。他把自己跟犯人扣到一起了。他是喝得烂醉来的。这件事得正式调查一下。把他们的手铐打开。” “你带着什么？”他问助手道，助手反着手敬礼。 “长官，我带来一份呈文。” “哦，一份呈文？老伙计，会有一份控告你的呈文的，”上尉干巴巴地说道。“巡官，把他们都关起来，明天早晨把他们提上来审问。你把呈文看一遍，然后送到我那里去。” 上尉把巡官起草的那件关于帅克的“呈文”研究了一番。他本分局的巡官站在他面前暗自诅咒着上尉和他那些呈文，因为他的朋友正等着他去凑成一桌王牌戏呢。 “巡官，前不久我不是告诉过你说，普鲁提文的那个巡官是我所见识过的头号大笨蛋吗？”上尉说道。“可是普提木的巡官这份呈文把他压倒了。那个喝得醉醺醺的坏蛋警察带来的兵根本不是个间谍。我估计他是一名普通的逃兵。呈文里废话连篇，连个毛孩子也可以看得出写呈文的那家伙，动笔的时候一定醉得昏天黑地了。” 他又把普提木送来的呈文看了一遍，然后吩咐立刻把帅克带上来，同时，往普提木拍一封电报，通知那个巡官明天到皮塞克来。 “你是在哪个联队上开的小差？”上尉接见帅克的时候，这样向他打招呼。 “我不论在哪个联队上也没开过小差。” 上尉仔细瞅着帅克，发现他那张神色安详的脸上显得十分轻松，就问道：“那件制服你是怎么弄到的？” “每个士兵入伍的时候都要领一套制服的，”帅克带着温和的笑容回答说。“我是第九十一联队的人，我从来也没开过小差。实情恰恰相反。” 帅克说最后一句话时，口气是这样着重，上尉听了惊愕得嘴巴都合不上来了。他问道：“你说恰恰相反是什么意思？” “这简单极了，”帅克用透露底倩的神情解释道。“我正要奔回我的联队去。我不是从联队上逃出来的，而是正在四下里找我的联队。我的愿望只是尽快地赶上我的联队，那么，我想也许这种愿望弄得我慌张得反而越走离布迪尤维斯越远，尽管那里大家都在等着我。普提木那里的巡官在地图上指给我布迪尤维斯是在南边，可是后来他却打发我往北走。” 上尉打了个手势，意思是普提木的那个巡官还干过比打发人家往北走更坏的事呢。 “这么一说，你是找不到你的联队了，对吗。”他说道。“而且你想找到它？” 帅克把整个情况都向他说明了。他提到塔伯尔，以及一切去布迪尤维斯途中他所走过的地方。 帅克兴致勃勃地描绘了他跟命运所做的搏斗，以及他曾经怎样百折不挠地尽到一切力量去找在布迪尤维斯的第九十一联队，而结果他的一切努力都落了空。 上尉做了一个明快的决定。他叫办公室打出下面这封信，信上照顾到公文程式在用字上的细腻和考究。 案据来人约瑟夫·帅克称，彼系贵联队士兵，是潜逃嫌疑经我驻普提木派出所扣留。彼云现正首途前往贵联队。此人身矮而粗胖，五官端正，瞳为蓝色，无其他显著特征。随函奉上附件乙壹号，系我局为此人所垫付之伙食费，请转呈国防部，并希开具字据，以资证明该士兵业已交到贵联队，外奉附件丙壹号，上列该士兵被捕时随身携带之官方分发物件，收到后亦请在单上具名是幸。此致驻布迪尤维斯之奥匈帝国皇家步兵第九十一联队指挥官。 帅克兴高采烈、而且准时地完成了由皮塞克到布迪尤维斯之间的一段火车旅程。他随身跟了一个年轻的警察，这个人是才当上警察的，一路上眼睛不离帅克，生怕一不小心，他会溜掉。 不久，他们就到了兵营。 到达的时候，卢卡施中尉已经上了两天班，他坐在警卫室的桌前，一点也没料到什么事情会发生，而这时候警察就把帅克连同有关的公文一并带进来了。 “报告长官，我归队来啦，”帅克说道，一面庄重地敬着礼。 随后发生的事寇塔珂少尉全都在场，他后来常常这样描绘说：帅克报告完了，卢卡施中尉就跳将起来，抱住他自己的脑袋，头朝后向着寇塔珂身上倒栽过去。他缓缓醒过来以后，帅克依然举手敬着礼，嘴里不断地说着：“报告长官，我归队来啦。”听见他说话，卢卡施中尉脸色苍白得像张纸。他用哆哩哆嗦的手把关于帅克的公文拿起来，签了名，然后吩咐大家一齐都出去。这以后，他就把自己跟帅克一道倒锁在警卫室里了。 于是，帅克就这样结束了他这场布迪尤维斯的远征…… 帅克和卢卡施中尉两个人使劲互相瞅着。 中尉用一种悲怆绝望的神情瞪着他，而帅克却温柔多情地望着中尉，真像他是个失而复得的情人一般。 警卫室静寂得像座教堂。走廊上可以听到一个人走路的脚步声。从声音判断，一定是个自愿军官⑽，因为头着了凉，所以留在兵营里。他用鼻音谈说着他正学得滚瓜烂熟的一些军队掌故。下面这段就很清晰地从门外传了进来：“皇室视察要塞的时候，应当受到怎样的招待呢？” “皇室走到被视察的那座要塞附近，所有的碉堡和城垒立刻都要鸣炮致敬。司令官手持指挥刀骑在马上，上前迎接，然后就——” “唉，别瞎扯啦！”中尉朝走廊大声喊了一声。“滚你的蛋吧。如果你不舒服，干么不钻进被窝儿里躺躺？” 这时候可以听到那位自愿军官走开了，然后走廊的那头传来带有鼻音的吟诵，像轻微的回声一般：“司令官敬礼，同时，排炮继续放下去，重复三遍以后，皇室就下车了。” 中尉和帅克又默默地彼此望了望，最后卢卡施中尉带着辛辣的讽刺口吻说道：“帅克，久违了。你又像个假钱币似的蹦回来了。看来我是甩不掉你啦。好吧，他们已经发了一张逮捕你的拘票，明天你就会被带到联队警卫室去。我不打算骂你一通来浪费我的精神。你发疯发过了头，你该当倒楣啦。” 卢卡施中尉搓着双手说：“是的，帅克，你这回可跑不掉啦。” 他回到桌前，在一张纸上写了几行，把警卫室门前站岗的哨兵叫进来，吩咐他带着那个便条，把帅克交给禁切室的看守长。 帅克就被带走，穿过兵营的广场。禁闭室的门上有个黑底黄字的木牌，上面写着“联队拘留室”字样。中尉脸上毫不隐讳自己的高兴，望到看守长把门打开，望到帅克消失到里面。过了一会儿，看守长一个人在门口出现了。 “谢天谢地，”中尉对自己大声说道，“现在可把他关到一个牢靠地方啦。” 这时候，史罗德尔上校正和其他军官们在旅馆里听刚从塞尔维亚仅剩一条腿（他给牛犄角顶了一下）回来的克里赤曼中尉谈从参谋部看到的一次对塞尔维亚阵地的进攻。史罗德尔上校脸上带着慈祥的笑容倾听着。随后，坐在他近处的一个青年军官很想当着上校卖弄一下他是多么残酷无情的一名战士，就大声对他旁边的人说：“有肺病的一定得送到前线上去。这对他们有好处。而且损失点子废物总比损失身体结实的强。” 上校笑了笑，可是他忽然皱起眉，掉过头来对温左上尉说：“我不明白卢卡施中尉干么躲得咱们这么远远的。他到这儿来以后，从来没跟咱们一道玩过一次。” “他在作诗呢，”撒格纳尔上尉讥讽地说。“他到这儿还不到两个钟头，就爱上了一个在戏院里碰上的史莱特尔太太——一个工程师的老婆。” 上校瞪圆了眼睛朝前望着：“我听说他很会唱滑稽歌曲。” “是呀，他在军官学校里的时候唱得一口蛮好的滑稽歌子。他常常逗得我们放声大笑。 他一肚子的笑话，听起来可真过瘾。我不晓得为什么他不肯到这儿来。 " 上校伤心地摇了摇头：“现今军官跟军官讲不上真正的交情了。我还记得从前每个军官都想方设法使大家开心。可是如今呢，年轻的军官喝起酒来一点也不像个男子汉。喝不到十二点，五个军官就人事不省，醉倒在桌子底下了。当年我们讲究一喝就喝上两天两夜，而且越喝我们越清醒，尽管我们是啤酒、葡萄酒和烈性酒轮流着喝。现在简直谈不上什么真正的尚武精神了。天晓得为什么会搞成这地步。谁开口也不带一点点俏皮。不信你听听坐在桌子那一头那些人说的话。” 这时候可以听到一个人正在严肃地说着：“美国不会参战的。美国人跟英国人正闹别扭。美国并没有参战的准备。” 史罗德尔上校叹了口气。 “看，后备军官们就这么扯淡法儿。真是腻烦死啦。这种人昨天⑾还在银行里算数目字，或者叫卖豆蔻和给人擦皮鞋，或者胡乱教小孩子们，今天自以为跟正牌军官平起平坐啦。他们自以为什么都干得来，他们什么都想插一手。可是既然像卢卡施中尉那样正规的军官⑿从来不跟我们在一起玩，事情怎么不会这样呢？” 史罗德尔上校生了一肚子气回的家。早晨醒来，他更气了，因为他在床上看报，发现报上好几个地方都提到奥军正朝事先准备好的阵地撤退下来。 早晨十点钟，史罗德尔上校就在这种心情下站到帅克面前，定睛望着他。这时候，帅克的全副人格都表现在他那张宽阔、微笑的面庞上，左右嵌着两只肥大的耳朵，他的小帽紧紧地箍在额头上，耳朵从帽下翘出。他给人整个的印象是一个与世界无争的人。他非常幸福，一点也不感觉自己做错了什么事。他的眼睛像是在问：“我并没犯什么错呀，对不对？” 上校对警卫室的上士简单地问了一句，来总结他的观察：“傻吧？” 这时候，上校看见那张毫无表情的脸上张开了嘴。 “报告长官，是傻。”帅克替上士回答说。 史罗德尔上校招手把副官叫到一边。然后他们把上士叫来，一道研究帅克的材料。 “噢，”史罗德尔上校说，“原来这就是卢卡施中尉的传令兵，就是他报告上所提的，在塔伯尔失了踪的那个。我觉得军官应当负责训练他们自已的传令兵，卢卡施上尉既然挑了这个半吊子当他的传令兵，他就应该耐住性子，不怕麻烦地照顾他。他有的是空闲。他什么地方也不去。你可曾看见他跟咱们玩过？所以我这话说对了。他有足够的时间去把他这个传令兵管出个样儿来。” 史罗德尔上校走近帅克，望着他那张和蔼可亲的脸说道：“你这个大白痴，在禁闭室里蹲三天吧，蹲完了以后向卢卡施中尉去报到。” 这样，卢卡施中尉就享受了一番款待：上校把他召了去，向他宣布说：“差不多一个星期以前，你加入联队的时候，曾向我申请过一个传令兵，因为你自己的传令兵在塔伯尔车站上失踪了。不过现在他既然已经回来了———” “但是，长官———”卢卡施中尉开始恳求道。 “———我已经决定，”上校故意紧接着说下去，“叫他禁闭三天，然后把他派回给你。” 卢卡施中尉听到这话完全垮了。他晕头晕脑地走出了上校的办公室。 ------------- ⑴色诺芬（公元前四三—～三五○），希腊历史学家及军事家，曾率领一万希腊大军跨过鞑靼海峡，解救友军。后来著《远征记》记载这件事。 ⑵歌特人是古代日耳曼人的一个分支，本来住在波罗的海，公元三世纪后移到多瑙河及黑海北岸，后又侵入希腊、意大利及西班牙等地。 ⑶北国指欧洲北部。 ⑷拿破仑战争指十八、十九世纪之间拿破仑妄图统治全欧而进行的战争，一直打到一八一五年他溃败为止。 ⑸瑞典战争指十八世纪初叶瑞典国王查利十三世侵略丹麦、波兰、俄罗斯及挪威等国的战争。 ⑹七年战争指一七五六年到一七六三年间普鲁士联合英国对法国和奥地利的战争。英国乘机扩张其殖民地。 ⑺德文，意思是：“有间谍嫌疑”。 ⑻拉丁文，法律的专名词，意思是“犯罪的证据”。 ⑼指生在暹罗（今泰国）的一对胸骨相连的孪生子。 ⑽指当时由学校毕业出来的在军队中服役一年的青年，等于见习军官。 ⑾指未入伍前，⑿指职业军人，而不是征募来的军官。