Chapter 16 Volume 02, Chapter 1: Schweik's Disturbance on the Train

In the second-class compartment of the special express train from Prague to Budjuvice, there were three passengers: Lieutenant Lukasch, sitting opposite him was an old gentleman with a bald head; , he was standing modestly in the aisle of the carriage, about to be scolded again by Lieutenant Lukasch.Despite the presence of the bald commoner, the lieutenant kept shouting at Schweik all the way, calling him a God-forsaken idiot, and similar things. The trouble was caused by a small incident, namely, that there was a slight error in the number of luggage that Schweik was taking care of. "You say that one of our trunks has been stolen," the lieutenant growled at Schweik. "That's very sweet, you fool! What's in the trunk?"

"Nothing, sir," replied Schweik, fixing his eyes on the bald head of the commoner.The man sat across from the lieutenant, and seemed not at all interested in the matter, reading only the New Freedom. "The only thing in the trunk was a mirror that had been taken from the bedroom, and the iron clothes rack that had been hanging in the hallway, so we didn't actually lose anything because the mirror and the clothes rack belonged to the landlord." "Shut up, Schweik," shouted the lieutenant. "I'll deal with you when we get to Buddjuwes. Do you know I'm going to lock you up?"

"Sir, I don't know," Schweik replied mildly. "You never told me, sir." The lieutenant gritted his teeth, sighed, took out a copy of "Bohemia" from his pocket, and began to read the news of the great victory on the front line and the victory of the German submarine E in the Mediterranean.Just as he saw a paragraph about a new way of blowing up cities in Germany—a special bomb dropped by an airplane, he was interrupted by Schweik's voice.Schweik was now saying to the bald gentleman: "Excuse me, boss, are you Mr. Polkrabek, the branch manager of the Slavia Bank?"

Mr. Bald ignored him.Schweik said to the lieutenant again: "Sir, I once read in the newspaper that the average person has sixty thousand to seventy thousand hairs on his head, and in many cases the black hairs tend to be rarer." He continued relentlessly: "Another doctor said that hair loss is due to nerve stimulation when raising children." But then a terrible thing happened.The bald gentleman rushed towards Schweik and shouted, "Get out, you dirty pig!" After pushing Schweik into the aisle, he returned to the compartment and introduced himself to the lieutenant. , the lieutenant was taken aback.

Clearly a mistake.The bald man was not Mr. Polkrabek, the branch manager of the Slavia Bank, but Major-General von Schwartzberg.The major general is wearing casual clothes to inspect the defense of several places.Without prior notice, he was going to make a visit to Budjovis soon. He was the most feared major general in the world, and when he saw that something was wrong, he would have a conversation with the local commander: "Do you have a pistol?" "Yes, sir." "Okay, then. If I were you, I'd know what to do with that pistol. This isn't a barracks, it's a pigsty!"

In fact, every time he visited a place, someone shot himself to death.On such occasions, Major General von Schwarzburg always said with satisfaction: "This is enough. This kind of talent is worthy of the title of soldier." Now he said to Lieutenant Lukasch: "Where did you go to military school?" "In Prague." "You went to officer school and you don't know what an officer's subordinates do, should the officer be responsible? You can fuck. And you talk to the orderly as if he was your bosom friend. Before you ask He, he just talks nonsense, and you don't care! It's even more outrageous. Also, you allowed him to insult your superiors. This is very serious. What's your name?"

"Lukasch." "Which alliance?" "I used to--" "I didn't ask where you used to be, only now." "91st Wing, sir. They transferred me to—" "Oh, they transferred you, didn't they? They made sense. The sooner you and your Ninety-first regiment get to the front, the better. No harm to you." "The front line is fixed, sir." The major general then launched a grand argument, saying that in recent years he has seen military officers talk freely with their subordinates, and he thinks this is a dangerous tendency, because it will encourage the spread of democratic ideas.A soldier must not forget that he is a soldier, he must tremble before his superiors, he must be afraid of his superiors.The officer must keep a distance of ten paces from the soldiers below, and he must not allow the soldiers to think independently, or, to put it simply, to think at all.In the past, the officers used to use the fear of God to subdue the soldiers below, but now—the major general made a gesture of despair.

"Most officers these days completely spoil their soldiers. That's all I have to say." The major general picked up the newspaper again and read it intently.Lieutenant Lukasch, as white as a piece of paper, went to settle accounts with Schweik in the corridor. He found Schweik near the window.Schweik's expression was as happy and content as that of a newborn baby, full of food, and about to fall asleep at this moment. The lieutenant stopped, beckoned Schweik over, and pointed to a carriage without passengers.Schweik went in, he went in after him, and closed the door. "Schweik," he said solemnly, "this time you will be beaten up for the first time. Why are you messing with that bald gentleman? Do you know that he is Major General von Schwarzburg? "

"Report sir," said Schweik, looking very much like a martyr. "I've never meant to insult anyone in my life, and this is the first time I know he's a major general. But it's as real as I stand here, and he looks exactly like Mr. Polkrabek, the branch manager of the Slavia Bank. It's exactly the same. He used to go to our tavern. Once, when he fell asleep on the table, a joker wrote on his bald head with a copy pencil: "Send insurance policy No. 3, class C, Please pay attention to the company's measures to protect your children. '" After a short rest, Schweik went on to say, "That gentleman shouldn't be so angry about such a small mistake. He should have sixty thousand to seventy thousand hairs like the average person. Like that article said. I never thought there was such a thing as a bald major general. Well, that's what they say, an unfortunate mistake: If you say a word and someone misunderstands you meaning, without giving you a chance to explain it, is the mistake every one makes. I once knew a tailor who—”

Lieutenant Lukasch glanced at Schweik again, then left the compartment and returned to his original seat.After a while, Schweik's innocent face appeared at the door again.He said, "Sir, five minutes to Tabor. Stop five minutes. Wouldn't you like to order something to eat? Years and years ago, they were very good at—" The lieutenant jumped up angrily.He said to Schweik in the aisle: "I'll tell you again: the less I see you, the happier I am. If it's up to me, I'll never look at you. You can trust me if I can avoid seeing you." I'll do what you say. Don't dangle in front of me again. Stay away from me, you idiot!"

"Yes, sir." Schweik saluted, made a swift right turn in a soldier's manner, walked to the end of the aisle, sat down in the conductor's seat in the corner, and chatted with a railway worker. "Boss, I have a question I want to ask you." The railroad man, who was obviously not very interested in the conversation, nodded listlessly. "I once knew a guy named Hefferman," Schweik chatted. "He always thinks that the parking alarm on the car never works, I mean, if you turn it on, the shit never happens. To tell you the truth, I listened to his It didn't really bother me at all, but from the moment I saw this alarm device here, I always wondered if it would work, in case I ever needed it." Schweik stood up and followed the railway worker to the front of the alarm bell switch, on which was written: "If you are in danger, you can switch it". The railway workers felt it was their duty to explain to Schweik clearly the structure of the alarm bell. "The man told you that's the lever to turn, and he's right; but he thinks it's nonsense if it doesn't work. Just turn that lever and the car will stop, because it's It is connected to all the vehicles and the front of the train. The alarm switch will definitely take effect." As he said this, they both put their hands on the arm of the bell, and then—how it happened is a mystery to the unknown—they turned the arm. Down, the train stopped with it. The two of them disagreed as to who actually pulled the lever arm and set off the alarm. Schweik said it was impossible for him to do it. "I wonder why the train stopped suddenly," Schweik said cheerfully to the conductor. "It was walking, and suddenly stopped. I am more anxious about this than you." A very dignified gentleman defended the conductor by saying that he had heard the soldier speak first of the stop-alarm. Schweik, on the other hand, babbled on that he had always kept his word, and that it would do him no good if the train was delayed, since he was leaving for the front. "The station master will tell you everything," said the administrator. "You'll have to pay twenty crowns for this." At this time, passengers can be seen climbing out of the carriage.The train conductor blew his whistle, and a panic-stricken lady crossed the tracks with a traveling bag and was running towards the ridge. "It's worth twenty crowns, to be honest," said Schweik impassively, maintaining his composure. "The price is not high." At this moment, the train conductor also became his audience. "Then, it's time for us to move," said Schweik. "It's a nuisance if the train is late. If it wasn't a big deal in peacetime, now it's war. All the trains carry troops, major generals, lieutenants, and orderlies, and it's a big mess if it's late. Napoleon He arrived five minutes late at Waterloo, and whether he is the emperor or not, he made a mess of himself anyway." At this time, Lieutenant Lukasch squeezed in from the crowd.His face was blue, and all he could say was "Shuaik!" Schweik saluted and explained to him: "Sir, they believe I stopped the train. The railway company puts some ridiculous plugs on their emergency switches. Better stay away from that stuff. Otherwise, if something goes wrong they'll charge you twenty crowns, just as they made me do." The conductor had already blown his whistle, and the train started again.The passengers all returned to their old seats, and Lieutenant Lukasch returned to his compartment without a word. The conductor of the train went to Schweik to collect a fine of twenty crowns, because otherwise he would have to be taken to the station master at the Tabor station. "That's all right," said Schweik. "I like to talk to educated people. It would be quite a pleasure to meet the station master at the Tabor station." When the train arrived at Tabor, Schweik walked up to Lieutenant Lukasch with due courtesy and said, "Report sir, they will take me to see the station master." Lieutenant Lukasch did not answer.He doesn't care about anything anymore.He felt that it was best for him to ignore both Schweik and the bald major general.I sat quietly in the original seat, and then got off as soon as the car reached the Budyuweis station, and reported to the barracks.Then go to the front with a detachment.At the front, at worst he wouldn't come and die in battle, so he could say goodbye forever to this horrible world with monsters like Schweik hanging around. When the train moved on again, Lieutenant Lukasch looked out of the window and saw Schweik standing on the platform, concentrating on a serious conversation with the station master.A group of people surrounded Schweik, some of them in the uniform of railway workers. Lieutenant Lukasch sighed, but it was not a sigh of pity.The thought of throwing Schweik on the platform made him feel lighter, and even the bald major general looked less like a monstrous monster. The train had long been puffing and puffing towards Budyuweis, but the crowd around Schweik did not shrink at all. Schweik insisted that he did not pull the lever arm.The gathered people believed him after hearing his words, and one of the elders actually said: "They are bullying the soldiers again." Everyone agreed, and a gentleman came out from the crowd and told the station master that he would pay the fine for Schweik.He believed they had wronged the soldier. Then an inspector appeared.He seized a man, dragged him out of the crowd, and said: "What do you mean by making such a fuss? If you think that's what soldiers should do to Faer, how can you expect Austria to win the game?" What about war?" At that moment, the venerable gentleman, who believed Schweik had done nothing wrong and paid the fine for him, took Schweik to a third-class restaurant and offered him a beer.When he knew for sure that all Schweik's papers, including his train pass, were in the hands of Lieutenant Lukasch, he generously gave him five crowns for his ticket and pocket money. Schweik was still in the dining room, drinking his five crowns in silence.Some people on the platform did not personally hear Schweik's conversation with the station master, but only saw the crowd surrounding him from a distance.They were talking now: a spy was caught taking pictures at the station.But a wife refuted the rumor, saying it was not a spy at all.She had heard that a cavalryman had beaten an officer near the women's lavatory for nailing his lover's buttocks.These outlandish conjectures were put to an end by a policeman who drove everyone off the platform.Schweik was still drinking in silence.He cared for Lieutenant Lukasch wholeheartedly, worrying about what he would do if he couldn't find the orderly when he got to Budjowes. Before the slow train left, the third-class restaurant was full of travelers, mainly soldiers belonging to various troops and nationalities.The tide of war swept them into the hospital, and now they leave the hospital to go to the front line, so that they can be wounded, amputated, and tortured again; so that they are eligible to erect a wooden cross on the cemetery. "Ihre Dokumente, vasitokument," (2) at this moment a sergeant of the gendarmerie said in German and broken Czech.He was accompanied by four soldiers with bayonet-loaded guns. "Sit down, nichtfahren⑶, sit down, drink up, drink up," he went on in his beautifully mixed words. "I haven't, milacku⑷," Schweik replied. "Take it to Lieutenant Lukasch of the 91st Regiment. I am left alone at this station." "WasistdasWort: milacek?" (5) The sergeant turned his face to a soldier and asked.The man replied: "Milacek, dasistwie: Herr Feldwebel." (6) The sergeant continued to talk to Schweik: "Your papers? Every soldier - without papers - locked up." So they took Schweik to the military transport headquarters. "Boy, you can't get through, but you'll get through this one. Go in!" a corporal said to Schweik in a sympathetic tone. He took Schweik into an office where papers were piled up in a mess on the desk, and a small but fierce-looking lieutenant sat behind him.Seeing that the corporal brought Schweik in, he let out a meaningful "ah".As the corporal explained to him, "Report sir, we caught this man on the station and he has no papers." The lieutenant nodded, as if he had expected years ago that Schweik would be arrested at the station because he didn't bring his ID, because anyone who saw Schweik at that moment couldn't believe it: It was impossible for a man of his appearance and expression to carry papers on him. At last the lieutenant asked: "What are you doing at the station?" "Sir, I'm waiting for the train to Budjowes, because I'm going to my regiment, where I'm Lieutenant Lukasch's orderly. But they say I have the lever for the alarm They took me before the station master to pay the fine on suspicion of having stopped the express train. Then I was left behind." "I really can't make sense of this mess," cried the lieutenant. "If you have anything to say, can you just say it straight, don't ramble like a lunatic!" "Report sir, from the moment Lieutenant Lukasch and I got on the train that was supposed to take us to the 91st Regiment of the Imperial Royal Infantry, we didn't dare to move, but a series of bad things happened. It came upon us. No sooner had we got on the train than we found a trunk; and then, in a different form, came a major general, a bald fellow—" "Oh, my God!" sighed the lieutenant. When the lieutenant was angry, Schweik went on to say: "I don't know what happened, the bald major general started to fight with me. Lieutenant Lukasch - I am his orderly, told me to go to the corridor Go. When we got to the aisle, they blamed me for setting the alarm. While they were investigating the case, the train left me on the platform. The train drove away, and the lieutenant took his luggage, his The papers went away with mine. So I was abandoned like an orphan, with no papers and nothing." Schweik fixed his eyes on the lieutenant with such a gentle and charming expression that the lieutenant absolutely believed what was said by this idiot who by all appearances was a born idiot.At this moment, after leaving the express train, he counted all the trains from this station to Budjuvice to Schweik and asked him why none of them took them. "Report sir," replied Schweik with a pleasant smile on his face. "While I was waiting for the next bus, I drank a few glasses of wine and got into trouble again." "I've never seen a guy so stupid," the lieutenant thought. "He'll admit everything. We've got a lot of people like that around here, they're always trying to swear they didn't do anything wrong. But this kid is as cold as a cucumber. He said: because of a few glasses of wine , and missed several trains.” The lieutenant decided that no further delay should be made and that the matter should be settled decisively.So he said emphatically: "Listen, you idiot, you fat-eared country bumpkin: go to the box office, buy a ticket, and go to Budjovis. If I see you again, I will treat you as a deserter. Disband!" The lieutenant saw that Schweik did not move, and his hand was still raised on the brim of his hat in salute, and he roared loudly: "Go quickly! Get out of here, do you hear me? Corporal Palanik, put this Take the fool to the box office and buy him a ticket to Buddjuwes." A moment later, Corporal Palanik reappeared in the lieutenant's office.Behind him, Schweik's cheerful face was peering through the door. "What's the matter this time?" "Report sir," Corporal Palanik whispered mysteriously, "he has no money for a bus ticket, and neither do I. They won't let him take the white bus because he doesn't have a pass saying he's going to the wing." The lieutenant immediately resolved the difficulty with a sound judgment. "Then let him go on foot," he decided. "When he gets there, they can put him in confinement for being late, we can't control that much here!" "It can't be helped, man," Corporal Palanik said to Schweik after they left the office. "You'll have to walk to Buddjuwes, old chap. There's some bread rations in the guardhouse. I can get you some to take with you." Half an hour later, when they gave Schweik a black coffee and, in addition to his ration, gave him a pack of military tobacco to take to the regiment, Schweik left Tabor in the middle of the night, singing old military songs all the way. .God knows what happened, but the good soldier Schweik was going due west when he was supposed to be going south towards Budyuwes.He walked on the snow with one foot deep and one foot shallow, wrapped tightly in a military overcoat, just like the last guard when Napoleon's army attacking Moscow hit a wall and turned back. Tired of singing, Schweik sat down on a pile of gravel and lit his pipe.Take a break, then move on to new adventures. -------------- (1) It is a kind of alarm bell installed in each compartment of the train, which goes directly to the locomotive.In case of emergency, passengers can ring the bell to stop at any time. ⑵The first two words are German, meaning "your certificate".The last two words are Czech and mean the same thing.But the morphing got it wrong. ⑶ German, meaning: "not allowed to go." ⑷ Czech means: "dear". ⑸ German, meaning: "What does the word Milacek mean?" ⑹German, meaning: "The word Milacek means a sergeant."