Chapter 9 chapter eight

At first we thought it was our delusions, but after a few weeks it couldn't have been more obvious.Carmen's belly grew even though she wasn't pregnant and ate less than Luna. Dr. Rodenbach confirmed our suspicions that chemotherapy was no longer effective.He elaborated that it could be seen from the blood sample that the tumor was active again.The liver is no longer working normally, but doing something like sweating.This fluid is called ascites, which is why Carmen's stomach is so swollen, and the cancer cells flowing in the ascites are malignant. Now that chemotherapy is no longer effective, there is only one option, Rodenbach said.Change to another chemotherapy, called LV. L represents folinic acid, and V represents 5-fluorouracil.There are almost no side effects, and it can be injected into the body through a small device installed on the chest every week.We looked at each other and shrugged, so be it, let's trust luck.Rodenbach warned that this is just an extension of time and hopefully it won't be too late because they won't be able to start this chemotherapy for a few more weeks and the body can't handle two different chemotherapy at the same time.

Soon Carmen's belly was as big as a pregnant woman's belly, and she had almost nothing to wear.Overcoming her fear, Carmen went to a nearby clothing store this week to buy a maternity dress.When Carmen and I ran into an old colleague of Beniway's, she said, "Oh, how wonderful! Your second baby is coming!" Carmen nodded enthusiastically, "Yes! We want a boy !" But other than that, there's nothing ridiculous about it.Carmen nearly burst.Rodenbach says they can pump out the ascites, but he prefers to do as little as possible.The more you smoke, the faster it will come back.He asked Carmen if she could hold on for a few more days until the first LV chemo.

"I can hold on," Carmen said. The night before my first LV chemo, I had to go out.I've been spending so little time at MIU lately that I suggested to Frank that I spend one evening a week on emergency so I could see Rose after work. "Can you hold on today, your belly?" I asked Carmen before going to MIU. "Um - yes, I'm fine." I knew my wife was not only suffering from cancer, but was a little too optimistic, and I didn't trust her. "are you sure?" "No problem at all." I had only been in the gym for an hour when the phone rang.

"I can't take it, Dan," Carmen sobbed. "I'll be right there." Frank came home with me.I run upstairs.I could see from her face that she was in excruciating pain. "Did you call the hospital?" I asked. "No—I dare not fight." In 2.34 seconds I typed Name - Find - A - AvL - Phone. "Good evening, Anthony van Raevenhoek—" "I'm Van Dienpan. I'm looking for the night doctor in Dr. Rodenbach's department." I didn't answer the doctor's question—he asked me if my wife really couldn't wait until tomorrow morning, and I said straight and clear, "No. Now we have to go and drain Carmen's belly."

Frank stays home with Luna. We came to the fifth floor of the hospital. From the point of view of comfort, Anthony van Ravenhoek Hospital is not as good as the Bastille Bar at its best, and the hospital's lights are not as good as the Olin Hotel, but at this time in the middle of the night, here even More depressing than usual. The doctor who will drain Carmen's ascites is already waiting for us upstairs. He must be only 28 years old, 29 at the most. "Are you here for a paracentesis?" he asked.Great, I learned another new word.Carmen nodded.The doctor and I helped Carmen onto the gurney.She was anesthetized, and a half-centimeter-thick catheter was inserted into one side of her abdomen. The other end of the catheter was a bucket that was slowly filled with the yellow fluid that drained from Carmen's abdomen.One liter, two liters, three liters, four and a half liters.Carmen lay on her recline, shaking like a bowl of pancake batter. 4.7 liters.

Carmen was relieved. "It's like you haven't been able to pee for a whole week!" Now that Carmen's belly is empty, she can move around a little.We walked quietly along the dark and deserted hospital corridor towards the door.We got home at a quarter past twelve.Frank sat on the couch and watched TV.Carmen and I said almost nothing along the way. "Who wants a drink?" I asked. "A glass of water." Carmen said softly. "I want some vodka," I said to Frank. "What about you?" "Beer will do." I went to sit down and slowly reflect on what happened tonight.This is the situation I've been worrying about ever since Carmen got cancer and had to rush to the hospital in a panic in the middle of the night.Tonight went straight to number 2 of the top five cancer scare list, with my wife's bald head at number one.I started to cry, and Carmen cried with me, and Frank came and put his arms around us.

"I should have said I couldn't take it this morning, shouldn't I?" she said guiltily. "Yes." I snapped. "But I don't want to complain about my stomach all the time—" "Driving to the hospital in the middle of the night in a panic is much worse." "You should be honest, Carmen," Frank said before leaving. "At least Dan will know that when you say you can—" Carmen nodded awkwardly, hugged Frank, and sent him out. Not long after, I heard a scream from the bathroom, "Look what this is!" she was crying, terrified.

There was a lump the size of a billiard ball on the upper left side of her groin and I was freaking out too.Infect?Or some unknown tumor growing during those three hours?I pretended to be calm.We called the doctor on duty at the hospital and he didn't know what it was either.So we decided to call Rodenbach. He reassured us of our concerns over the phone.Nothing serious, the billiard ball sized lump was the result of the puncture, which left holes in different layers of the abdominal wall, and now the remaining ascites in the abdomen is dripping down to the lowest part of the abdomen due to gravity.

"We didn't think of this," Carmen said bitterly. If Carmen lay down, the fluid would re-distribute in her abdomen and the hole would be mostly healed by tomorrow morning. Early the next morning, I called Rodenbach again because Carmen's moans of pain woke me up. "Doctor, or Dan Van Diephan?" I yelled nervously, panicking again. "My wife is lying next to me, she's curled up in pain! She says it's like labor pains, but that's impossible, isn't it?" Once again, Rodenbach didn't panic.He said it would be fine in a few minutes, which is a common phenomenon after a paracentesis, and the abdominal organs are busy returning to their original positions.

"My angina is coming," I told Rodenbach. "Actually, you're right to think so," he said. I grabbed her hand tightly and squeezed it hard. I didn't grab her hand so hard when Luna was born.Soon the cramps were over.It was also dawn.Luna woke up an hour later, like nothing had happened. When I was so tired and lay down to go to bed, I suddenly realized that I forgot one thing last night.My heart started beating wildly. oh god.Hold.Oh, what a fool.fuck it. Rose is still waiting for me. big mouth standing behind the railing big mouth standing behind the railing

Ajax F-Side After detailing our tense midnight hospital visit and sixteen apologies, Rose calmed down.I sat at her breakfast table and she was still in her dressing gown.I dropped Luna off at nursery and drove to Rose's house.The little flowers of my odyssey need my watering badly. "It's getting harder, Dan—I never know if you're going to cancel a meeting at the last minute. If you're ten minutes late, I'm always worried that something's going on at home, and I'm always worried that Carmen might find out— —” "Do you want to break up with me?" I deliberately did not care. "No." She sighed. "Of course I don't want to break up." "I don't want you to feel like you're being used. Not now, not ever, even if Carmen isn't—not here. Because I already know there's going to be a long I only want to spend time with Luna." "Stop it, I know, but I don't want to hear it." "You have to listen." I know it's nasty, but I have to say it.Even if it's a selfish sincerity, mostly to ease my anxiety that I might just be using her to get through this tough time. I know Rose will never abandon me in danger. I don't want to take everything from you Though I know I do it every time I'm down All Saints, from Black Coffee (Saints And Sinners, 2000) If I can't do LV chemotherapy soon, I don't think Carmen may not make it to Christmas.The damn chemo, we've been through so much pain and it's only given us less than six months to hurt, God Almighty. Carmen's liver was so swollen that you could see it like a big pompom from the side of her abdomen.It hardly works anymore, but the water is getting worse.After the first paracentesis, Carmen had to have the fluid removed every week.A new personal record was set last time: 7.1 liters.If there is a competition, Carmen will definitely win the first place. The repositioning of the organs after each puncture made the whole process an ordeal.Sometimes for days she kept moving around to suppress the pain until she could no longer hide her pain from me.Then we went to the piercing again. Every time the ascites was removed, the protein was also removed from her body at the same time.She was visibly weakened, with less strength by the week.During the few days when her abdomen was full of ascites, she could not walk 100 meters.Still, last weekend she wanted to go out.We went for a walk in the wheelchair we had brought back from the home care center.I told Carmen I didn't mind pushing her, but I lied, I was fighting back tears. Luna, when I told you that I could no longer walk properly, so I was in a wheelchair, you said you would carry me, I felt so sweet and sad, I cried, and my eyes are wet again as I write this up.Sometimes it's all too hard, too hard.Just now you came over by yourself and asked me if I was still sick.When you saw the doctor in the hospital this week, you asked, "Is he going to make you feel better, Mommy?" Carmen wants to do everything, but she can't.She came to babysit Luna last Sunday morning so I could sleep in.At 8:30 she called me because she had already vomited twice. Around noon, she gradually got better. I got up and helped Luna get dressed, fed her porridge, and took her to the nursery.On weekends, in the mornings I take Luna to the goat farm in the Amsterdam forest, or to the playground in Wödelpark.Sometimes I think how sad Carmen must be that I didn't tell her where Luna and I had been. I couldn't get out of bed most of the time and didn't feel better until noon.I feel sick in the morning, Dad wakes up with you every day and does everything.Sometimes I get mad at Dad because I can't help myself.Your dad needs to put up with all the scolding, no matter how unfair it is.But I do have the feeling that my dad and I are closer than ever.Through it all, he also tried to find joy in life, which gave me back my strength, so we still do fun things together for a day or two when I feel better. But the days when she felt slightly better were fewer and fewer.The saddest thing was that Carmen had to miss the mother's Christmas party at the nursery.She managed to get up and get dressed, but it was no use.She is very ill.I was the only man among the twelve moms at the nursery—not counting Santa (who was still in costume) and his two elves. “If I can’t even do this, I’m done,” Carmen sobbed as Luna and I returned home. A rush of blood rushed to my cheeks. I realized that Carmen's final days were drawing near.She's already picking up the pace, making plans, doing things she wants to do. For example, she tells Mulder, Anne, Thomas, and Frank that they should make a ring. "Make it a souvenir ring." I've already made one and will be using it to replace my wedding ring.She had the ring engraved "To my love, Carmen." When we went to get the ring, the woman who engraved it asked us if we were going to get married. "No, it's for another special occasion," Carmen said casually. "Oh, then I know what it is." The woman looked meaningfully at Carmen's stomach, "What a great idea, to celebrate this with a ring!" Carmen wrote emails to all her friends asking what she would write for Luna, and the emails came like snowflakes.We bought a big case with Carmen's diaries and photos, which was Frank's idea, and two videotapes of friends talking about Carmen.In the future, Luna can use these videos to know more about what kind of person her mother is than those children who have their mothers by their side. Carmen saw a brochure from the Rainbow Foundation in the waiting room of Anthony Van Ravenhoek Hospital, she saw a presentation by a child psychologist who specialized in children's grief, and then we went to a There is a psychologist.Didn't take Luna because that way we could talk freely. The psychologist's consultation room was full of toys and the walls had drawings made by children, including a large cross and a winged doll in one. "My mother", childish handwriting.I hope Carmen doesn't see the painting.Psychologists explain what children remember before the age of three, their understanding of death, and how growing up in a single-parent household affects children.When we told her that Carmen was busy writing to Luna, the psychologist thought it was a very good idea.Otherwise Luna would not remember anything about her mother.Carmen couldn't help crying when she heard this.Seeing this situation, the psychologist paused for a moment and continued to say that children around three years old can actually face the departure of one of their parents. "Don't do it too quickly," she said, "but don't hide the fact that Mom is sick, and don't hide from the kids that Mom might not be around." She gave us some advice on what to tell Luna, and warned us about possible "alienating behavior."When children hear or notice that they are about to lose a loved one, they sometimes treat that loved one unkindly or even become angry.This is an instinctive reaction to avoid the grief of losing a loved one in the future.What she said shocked me, not because of Luna, but because of my own behavior.I wonder if I still love Carmen, my loneliness phobia is getting worse.The child, Danny, exhibited alienating behavior.In the evening I read to Luna stories from The Frog and the Bird, which the psychologist gave us.The little bird lay down, and some animals thought he was asleep, and some animals thought he was tired. The rabbit squatted next to the bird, watching carefully. "He's dead," he said. "Death," said the Frog. "What is that?" Rabbit points to the blue sky. "Everybody dies," he said. "Will we too?" asked the Frog in amazement. Rabbit can't be sure either. "Maybe, when we're old," he said. They buried the bird and were very sad.Then they all went to have fun again.As I read, Luna strokes my arm with her tiny hand.She could see I was upset, and she sympathized with me.I sympathized with her too, because Luna didn't know that the bird was the mother yet. Carmen told Luna in her own way. We bought two fish, I call them Elvis and Beavis.You like them very much.Last week Elvis suddenly floated in the fish tank and died.I didn't expect it to be this bad because now is the first time you see for yourself how animals die.You ask me why the fish doesn't continue to live, and I tell you that it may be very sick and cannot be cured.Sometimes people do that too, and they die too.I told you Elvis might have gone to fish heaven, and you thought it was good.Then I dumped Elvis into the sink.When Dad comes back in the evening, you tell him that the fish died and went to the fish paradise. "It's at the sink," you say.Now that Beavis is dead too, we washed him away too, but you don't feel bad because at least he's with his friend Elvis now.In the future, when I die, I will also go to the heaven of people. You said that heaven is between the white clouds.It looks like you've started to understand a little bit. own house house under the sun I want to have simple happiness Rene Froger, from Een eigen huis (1989) My Goddess, We Bought a House on the Old South Side!Carmen was overjoyed.Great, isn't it? Old Süd is Amsterdam's exclusive residential area, where a bunch of grapes in a pretty greengrocer costs more than a month's rent in an average town like Boslömer.It's so arrogant that even the snack bar has a French name. Carmen was so excited that she called and emailed everyone and told them about the house.Anne and Thomas came over to look at it, and I was a little sad, although the new house was beautiful and large, with four floors and three times the floor area of ​​our current house.But in the future, instead of three people living here, there will be two people. The Saturday after we signed the contract, we went to a few renovation shops.According to Frank, there are several well-known furniture stores there, you can go and have a look.But after seeing only two, Carmen couldn't go anymore.Her stomach started to swell again.We have a large house and enough money and time to decorate it, but we don't have the energy to go to the furniture store. We drove to Frank's right away and asked him to help.He is happy to help.He threw himself into it.Every night we touch samples of rugs, wood, cork, study furniture catalogs and lighting brochures.Looks like we're like the winning couple of the "Honeymoon Test". The Sunday we got the keys, Carmen's mom came over to look at the house.As we stood on the fourth floor in what would be Luna's room, Carmen's mom put her hands over her mouth and her shoulders started shaking, and I went over and put my arms around her, and we both knew Carmen would never hug her like she once did Hugging Luna here like my daughter. shining happy people REM, from Shiny Happy People (Out Of Time, 1991) The LV chemotherapy suddenly started working and Carmen started to feel better. She was still unwell in the morning, but in the afternoon she had some strength and went out often.She went on a shopping spree, and the new house had plenty of closets for clothes anyway. The new house went well and I got everything done - bank, movers, notary, selling the old house.Carmen didn't have to worry about anything, which was good, because her memory had gotten really bad since she stopped working.It takes a lot of my time, but I enjoy doing it.I think it's because it's about the future.future.Ok. I look forward to the future every day. But the work of the house is actually done by the handyman. Handyman is the famous duo, Rick and Ron.The work of the house I did nothing myself.I have a very strange work obstacle, adhere to the principle of Johan? Louvre, make use of strengths and avoid weaknesses.I made no secret of my lack of hands-on ability.Rick, the handyman, used to leave messages like, "Look, Dan, here's the hammer." I told them not to be smart and just focus on their work, and that I'd been a foreman for weeks, and I was in the eyes of Luna's Barbie doll and begged My beloved dog Marv has a camera, and I've slept in my new home to try it out. Barbie's eyes were taped over the next few days. I'm happy with how the work went, Rick and Ron were fast.Luna's room was finished first, as planned.If the LV chemotherapy worked as well as the handyman's productivity, Carmen might be able to move into the new house with us.All those around us have started to wonder.No one said anything, but we noticed that our friends were starting to wonder if everything was as dire as we made it out to be.I heard from Mulder and Frank that there was a bet at MIU lunch that Carmen would live to be 70.Another time I heard Thomas say to Frank that Carmen looked "really slim."At a staff party at the ad agency, someone asked Carmen when she would be back at work.Not whether to come back, but when to come back. I can understand.We said a year and a half ago that Carmen had a form of cancer and the chances of survival were slim, we said it for a year.Then we said Carmen must be dying because the cancer had spread.That's how it looked in early December: Carmen was getting weaker and weaker by the day.Now another few months later, Carmen is moving around!You can see that everything is looking better.Carmen is doing very well.Her hair is growing back, she looks better, and it doesn't look like she's wearing prosthetic breasts, she's very cheerful, sure, she's a little skinny, and her stomach keeps growing, maybe not very pretty, but otherwise pretty well, isn't it? Friends, family, co-workers and acquaintances can only miss you for a short time when you are seriously ill, and then you may recover, or pass away sometime later, it's as simple as that, isn't it? It's not that simple. "There are patients with LV chemotherapy who can fight cancer for years," Rodenbach told us, "but it's entirely possible that next week it won't work. We can't predict that." The marathon seemed to last forever, and we were back to the unknown we had been in the previous year since the cancer was discovered. Thank you, doctor. despite my rage I'm still a rat in a cage Smashing Pumpkins, from Bullet with Butterfly Wings (Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness,1995) Now that Carmen feels better, shopping can no longer fill her daily life, no matter how hard she tries, she starts thinking about other things, such as my confession at the Med Club in June.At first she held back.We live happily together and want to enjoy the time we have left together.Later, because of her physical condition, she was unable to think about my affairs. But her behavior now is affecting my ability to deal with my loneliness phobia.She's been calling me more and more during the day lately to check where I am, and if I've been out for an hour she's asking more and more about what I've been up to. She hasn't said it yet, but I can feel that Carmen wants to discuss my Friday night out with me.Although it was only temporary, I was very upset when I heard her bring it up. today is Friday.My plan was to go out and eat with Ramon, then go to Rose's.I put on a pink shirt and snakeskin pants and walked into the living room.Carmen lay on the couch watching TV.I could tell by the look in her eyes that I was right to be skeptical.I put on the dullest expression and kissed her. "Come back tonight, kiss." I said as sweetly as I could. "Actually, I don't want you to go out tonight." "Honey, if something happens, I'll be home in a quarter of an hour. I'll have my phone." "I don't mean that. I just want you to stay home." "What? I've got an appointment with Ramon. I'll meet you in ten minutes. I told you! I've been looking forward to going out tonight all day—it's the only time I relax all week." "You should think about it when you go out with other women," she said coldly. "Ka, it's ridiculous. We talked a lot at the Maddir Club." "Yes, but now I've changed my mind. If you do go out, how can I be sure you haven't been unfaithful to me?" I don't know how to be sure, but somehow I'm also pissed off. "Ca! Let me rest! I will accompany you to do chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I fell out with the doctor because of you. I woke up the doctor in the middle of the night because of you. I—I—did everything for you!" "What you've done for me has nothing to do with it. That's how it should be. Wedding vows, good and bad. Remember, Danny Van Diephan?" she raged. Now I'm really angry.She didn't mean that, she couldn't mean that.I gave her a chance to explain, but instead she looked at me defiantly. "Okay." I said, my voice breaking.I grabbed the phone and threw it on the couch and said, "You call Annie or Mulder or your mom. Let them take care of you if you think what I'm doing for you is right. I'm going tonight Hotel overnight." I got up and stomped away.She threw the phone at me. "Let's go, run away again! Go fuck another woman again. she growled. "Do it yourself!"I do not need you! " I do not need you.I do not need you.For a whole year and a half, I accompanied her to the hospital, saw a doctor, cried bitterly, was anxious, and grieved, but in exchange for this sentence "she doesn't need me". Furious, I pushed open the front hall door.I do not need you.So go and deal with cancer yourself, Carmen Van Dienpin.I gotta go.Furiously, I scrambled on my jacket, swore, and opened the front door. Suddenly I stopped. My wife has cancer and she is dying.I can't go.I really can't go.I closed the front door and took off my jacket again.Look at yourself in the mirror.I really can't go.I heard Carmen's faint voice from the living room. "Danny—?" I went back to the living room, and Carmen was already standing by the door. "I'm sorry—" she said softly. "I'm sorry, Danny—" I looked at her helplessly and walked over to hug her.She leaned against me like a soft doll and started wailing. Ramon, you can't go tonight.I will explain to you later. My goddess, there is trouble at home.I can't go later. Call you tomorrow.Sorry. After an hour of crying, comforting, and making up, we decided to call Frank and ask if he would like to come over.It was a bit of a surprise.He can't come. "I'm at Beep's Cafe." "Oh." "Did something happen?" Beep Cafe is a very fashionable cafe, fashion to trash cans are designer works.It's centrally located and started becoming a hippie hangout about a decade ago.The customers who go there are from the advertising world (beautiful assistants, TV girls) and they show up at certain times, and Ramon and I are no exceptions at that time, until we finally admit that the bus Bottom bars are more fun than that. "Uh, no. It's okay. Have fun!" I called Mulder.I can already hear it, the sound of the bar. "Danny?" she called out into the phone. "I can't hear you very well. Me and Tasha at the Depilsvoag." I hung up and texted her that it was nothing serious. "Everyone's out drinking," I said angrily.Carmen hardly dared to look at me. "It's all right, my love. Shall I call Annie?" "Well, good." She smiled, "If we told her why we fought, she might push us to do it all over again herself—" I called Carmen's mom.She felt something was wrong, and before I could speak, she said she would come.She arrived in half an hour and we chatted about everything but nothing about what happened to us tonight.At eleven o'clock Carmen couldn't bear it and went to bed.I opened another bottle of wine and stayed downstairs with Carmen's mother. When it was quiet upstairs, she asked me what Carmen and I were arguing about. "How do you know we quarreled?" I asked in surprise. "Mother can feel this kind of thing." She smiled at me. "Carmen told me about your previous infidelities." "Oh?" I said, stunned. "If you were my son, I would have slapped you long ago." I nodded, not daring to move. "You know, boy," my mother-in-law said, "I can't sleep at night thinking about that damn cancer and what it's doing to you. I just wish it was me going to chemo and mastectomy and all that pain , not Carmen. I understand that she can be emotionally unstable at times." "Me too." I said softly. "But it's not right to keep you at home like this, and I'll tell Carmen tomorrow. I can see how hard it all is for you at times, and I think you've done a really good job." She held my hand tightly. hands, hug me. "I'm proud to have a son-in-law like you." "Don't you sometimes wish it was all over?" she asked. "Yes. Frankly, yes." "I understand too, my child," she said softly. "I really understand. You don't have to feel guilty." She kissed my forehead and wiped away the tears. "Now I'd like some coffee, bastard!" nonsense I won't do what you tell me to do Rage Against The Machine, from Killing In The Name Of (Rage Against The Machine,1992) "What's Ramon's last name?" Carmen called. "D'Escheco," I called back. "D'Escheco—for two, if there is a reservation." silence. "Okay. No, it's fine, I'm just checking. Thanks." She hung up the phone. "Do you believe me now?" I sighed and continued reading the paper. She sighed and nodded, "Then you go." I will go to your place at about half past ten, my goddess. X! "What?! How long?" Ramon exclaimed, with the steak still in his mouth. "A year and a half." I replied calmly. "A year and a half!" He said so loudly that the whole Rajaraj Restaurant could hear him. Rajaraj.Middle-aged men in suits and ties would bring women here, who looked just as tasty as the food Raja Raj served, but not as fresh, with brighter colors, more flavors, and more preservatives. "yes." "So she already had cancer when we were in Miami?" "yes." "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" "Because wherever I go it's about Carmen and I always have to tell people what's going on with her. And I don't need that with you, to me you're cancer-free." "Damn, really—" He looked into the distance. "Damn it—I thought it was something else," he said suddenly.He looked at me with a very serious look on his face, "I think something happened, just don't know what. You've become too much in the past year, man. You start taking medicine a lot, and all of a sudden In between you put on those nice shirts, that expensive leather jacket, and your hair got a little wilder. Now I finally understand why. You just want to get rid of all the troubles at home." I opened my mouth in shock.Ramon, with whom I always thought you could only talk about football and women, understood in two minutes what a friend like Thomas wouldn't even try to understand. "Is it because of Carmen that you couldn't come out last week?" he asked with concern.It was almost comical coming out of his mouth. "No, it's because of my affair." I laughed bravely. "At that time, Carmen's tolerance was zero, and she checked everything I did." "If I had a husband who is as caring as you, I would do the same." Although he spoke very bluntly, it was the truth. "If she finds out you're unfaithful now while she's sick, I'll take your head myself, you bastard. Keep it a secret from yourselves, and keep it from your friends, man. Now, let's go to the Bastille, see See if there's any hot chicks over there." He waved for the waiter to come and pay the bill. "I'm not going," I replied, "I have an appointment with a girl I should have been there an hour ago." Apparently there was no place to park on Osterholm Street.Come on, it's half past eleven.Why should I drive?It's only three stops from the restaurant to Rose's house by tram. I'm on my way, Goddess!cheer up! After driving around two blocks, I parked in the handicapped space, and at this late hour, I figured the chances of being towed here were less than 50 percent.At a quarter to twelve I rang Rose's doorbell. "Hi." I called into the doorbell microphone. no answer.I ran up the third floor, and when I got to her apartment, I saw Rose as sullen as Louis van Gaal at the press conference. "Sorry. Spent some time with Ramondo." "Excuse me?!" she yelled. "It's the second time in a week that I've sat and waited like a fool. Last Friday all night, and now an hour and a half. Should I just sit and wait, and lie down as soon as my master arrives? I suffer Enough is enough, Dan!" No, I'm not here for this.I look at her. "I've been spoiled enough at home, I don't have to come here to suffer." I said coldly. "Oh, that's what you think?" "yes." "Go away, then!" she growled. I'm really gone.When Carmen yelled at me, I realized at the front door that I couldn't go, but at Rose's, there was nothing to stop me.She loves me, it's not my fault? i drank last night also see no woman can get what she wants The Scene, from Blauw (Blauw, 1990) I slammed the door and drove like a madman from Osterholmerstrasse to Konstantinhagen and on to Overtum.For a moment I wondered if I should apologize to Rose, but I couldn't.Instead, I texted Ramon. are you in bastille I also texted Mulder, I want to see her, at least she's not as difficult as Rose.I blared the Embankment song and galloped down the road. "Suddenly I feel like there might be a chance - no, it's too late, we, like most people, just want to bask in the sun" - Text from Ramon: Yes!I grinned - "It's all settled, we're just getting started - we're really just getting started!" The Embankment sang to my heart: Mulder texted too.她和塔莎——嗯嗯嗯——一起在德皮尔斯沃格酒吧，她们本来打算去摩尔，但又想先去巴士底。 开车走过利津班斯格拉切特时，我非常急切想到巴士底。我得费劲才能忍住不跟别人飙车。 酒吧门口站着一个男人，衬衫扣子有两颗没扣，这样他可以最好地展示他过于健壮的胸肌。他搂着一个金发碧眼的女孩，她的鼻子太大了。她自己介绍说叫黛比。卡门把这种女人称为前金发碧眼大胸女人，而黛比正好相反：她没有金发碧眼，也没有大胸。拉蒙不会让这个坏了他的兴致。 “改变计划了，伙计？” 我耸肩，“你也来杯伏特加？” 拉蒙笑起来，抱着我用力摸我的头。他给了我一颗小圆药丸，我点头，就着一口伏特加吞了下去。这时候穆德和塔莎欢快地进来了，她们兴高采烈地和我拥抱，她们快乐地尖叫。上帝啊，我以为今晚已经喝够了呢。 “丹尼，你看起来真的很压抑。”穆德说，“发生什么事了吗？” “不，没事。你们俩都要伏特加加柠檬吗？” “我要Bacardi Breezer。”塔莎撒娇地说，一只胳膊勾着我。“要红色的那种，喝了舌头会变得甜甜的。如果愿意的话，待会儿你可以检查检查。” 我尴尬地笑了笑。 “罗丝正巧不在这吧？”我把酒递给塔莎时她不经意地问。 “你怎么知道罗丝？”我问，满头雾水，同时怒气冲冲地看着穆德。她立刻摇头表示塔莎不是从她那知道的。 “嗯。”塔莎耸耸肩，“也许你离开电脑时应该更经常关掉你的邮箱。” 我的脸红得像番茄一样，穆德爆笑出来。噢，这又怎么样呢？我在巴士底，半个小时之内拉蒙已经第三次递给我伏特加了，药丸开始起作用了，穆德和塔莎都搂着我的腰，我要和这两位美女一起去摩尔酒吧了，巴士底正放着歌——《怪就怪黑夜吧》，就是这么回事。三点，我们走进摩尔酒吧，走进去就像我戴着阿贾克斯头巾走进德奎普球场—— 我全身都被搜了个遍，一点隐私也没有。 我想我一个小时后回家的几率很小，我刚已经错过了回头的机会，只能进，没有退路了。拉蒙的诙谐、塔莎的舌头都让我无法抗拒。又吻了一次以后我内疚地看着穆德，她倒没有出现我预料的反应，从她的瞳孔中看得出来她也吃了拉蒙的摇头丸。她抓住我，也开始吻我。我们三人站在摩尔的舞池里互吻。塔莎对着穆德耳语了什么，她看了她一会儿，点点头。 “想不想来点刺激的，丹？” 我早该知道。如果你一贯都是四点半之前到家，而这次到早上六点半还不见人影，这肯定会激怒卡门的。 铃——铃——铃。 我示意穆德和塔莎安静。 “你现在在哪，你这个混蛋？”卡门哭着说。 “我——我正在路上——” “看在上帝的份上，还有一刻就六点，丹。”她愤怒地吼道。 我的心跳到了嗓子眼儿，穆德坐在床上颤抖，塔莎安静地点起了一根烟。 “别灰心。”我走出房门时穆德低声说。塔莎只是眨了眨眼。 我跑起来，车停在三个街区之外的赛恩图班，我迅速四周看看，确定周围没有警察，然后开车穿过电车道，朝家的方向开去。我把还在CD机里的河堤乐队的CD拿出来，放上布鲁斯的《实况录像》。我点击着数字，直到我听到具有穿透力的打击乐《理想的家园》。在洛罗夫哈斯街路###通信号灯变成琥珀色，我还有五十米远，我踩上油门，飞一般穿过红灯。兴奋刺激传遍我全身。我飞驰着，伴着斯普林斯汀绝望的歌词，“有时我感到这么无助——”到谢尔车站的拐弯处我稍稍刹了车——“我只想爆炸——”——然后又踩上油门加速了——“爆炸，把整个城市炸毁——”——沿着左边。我避过了一个交通岛，车轮颤动了一下——“拿一把刀——”——但是雪佛莱开始倾斜——“——把我心里的痛挖掉——”车子飞出去，我听见沉闷的碰撞声、车轮嘎喳声和玻璃叮当声，雪佛莱在柏油碎石路面上滑动了几米。 然后一切归于寂静。Deathly silence. 不再有音乐，不再有河堤乐队，不再有房子，不再有斯普林斯汀。我斜斜躺在一边，安全带固定着我。有几秒钟我麻木没有知觉，然后一切突然都电闪雷鸣般出现在我脑中。I'm alive.痛？不痛。移动。yes.到处是玻璃。噢，靠，卡门！车子烧起来，我必须赶快离开；车子在马路中央，我必须要离开。火会烧起来吗？ go out!climb.quick.警察来了怎么办？我刚喝了酒，天杀的。 我推开副驾驶座的门，爬出了汽车。我几乎被车底的景象惊住了。凌晨五点五十一分，我看到我的雪佛莱四脚朝天地躺在路上，好像喝醉似的。 我走向人行道，靠在桥的栏杆上。慢慢地我开始理解这一切意味着什么。刚才发生了核灾难，我的汽车、我的驾照。他们如果从我的血液中验出酒精。我可能会入狱，我也可能就这样死去了。卢娜——噢，而且罗丝还以为我只是在家。上帝啊，卡门会怎么—— 我给她打电话，她没有接。我发了个短信，说我刚出车祸了，幸运的是没有受伤，但短时间我不能回家。一辆警车拉着警笛开过来。我往嘴里塞上一块薄荷糖。 到了警察局，他们要我交出手机、皮夹以及钥匙，并松开皮带和鞋带，然后让我在小房间里等着，随后他们走出去关上门。 这个房间就是拘留所。黑色钢制门上有一个孔，上面有铁网。我走过去在一条长椅上坐下，长椅用螺丝紧紧地固定在墙上。 行将逝去的妻子在家等了我一夜，等我回家。奥德西有一个女人支撑着我度过了过去几个月，可能整晚上都躺着哭。而我在这。 好像过了一个世纪这么久，我终于可以离开这里了。但其实只过二十分钟。警察录完口供后，让我打电话叫出租车回家。这时已经是七点差一刻。 卡门坐在客厅里，家庭看护送来的床上。她秃着头、穿着晨衣，狠狠看了我一眼。 “我给你打电话的时候你在哪？” “和一个女孩在一起。” Snapped. 平生第一次一个女人打了我的脸。 怪不得她。 “你觉得还不够严重，所以你就算喝得醉醺醺的，也要开车回家！”然后她说，“你要让卢娜不仅失去母亲，也失去父亲了！”