Chapter 10 Chapter nine

like i fucked midas I get bad when I touch something From The Sopranos (1999) When I woke up Carmen wasn't lying beside me.I checked my phone, there was a text message from Ramon. Fortunately, Carmen did not open to see.He asked me if I was having fun with the girls.do i have itthere must be.I'm still enjoying it.I get up, shower, and go downstairs.She sat there with red eyes, feeding Luna. "It's time for you to go to a therapist, this really can't go on." I said nothing.Carmen went upstairs, and I fed Luna the last mouthfuls of porridge like a puppet. After a while Carmen came down with a big bag in her hand.

"I gotta go." "Where are you going?" I asked softly. "To Thomas and Anne's." "When will you come back?" "I don't know," she said with tears in her eyes. "I really don't know, Danny." I carried Luna to the front door and she kissed Luna and said, "I'll call you." Get into her Beetle and drive off without looking back. Luna kissed me on the lips and gave me a hug.I told her I was too naughty. "Dad drank a lot of beer and went to drive, and he and the car flipped over." "In the Chevrolet?"

"yes--" "Mommy is tough on you, isn't she?" "yes--" We held each other tightly, and I hummed our song softly: Dad and Luna got along very well, everyone could tell they were good friends. Dad and Luna got along very well, everyone could tell they were good friends. I called Frank and said I'd be late.I ate a quick bite and took Luna to the nursery.From nursery I made a detour to the garage where my Chevrolet might be for a few months.Some repair parts take a month to receive after ordering.Anyway, my driver's license will not be returned to me until the police investigate the case at the earliest, and the situation is not that bad.

When I saw the car, I was petrified.The driver's side is scratched all over. "It's amazing how you got out," said the mechanic, shaking his head.The insurance teller stood beside him and said that the insurance company would naturally refuse to pay the estimated 25,000 guilders for repairs because I was driving drunk and he would try to convince the contracting company to keep me as a client.He also said he thought I was very stupid.I said I thought so too.The repairman chuckled. Tasha called in sick, but Mulder was there.I asked her if she wanted to go out.I told her about the accident and about Carmen and she turned pale and went to the bathroom and didn't come out for a long time.

I told Frank about the accident. "Carmen must be very angry." "She left this morning." "God, Danny—" Ramon called and Mulder told him.He called and called me an asshole. "If I knew you were driving, I'd throw your keys in the canal myself, you idiot. What the hell is wrong with you, man?" A little while later I got an email from Mulder. Sender: Mudd Recipient: Danny Time: 14:31, Thursday, March 22, 2001 Subject: Yesterday What happened to us yesterday should not have happened.I realized this morning that ecstasy and alcohol have made us do a lot of wrong things.I dare not see Carmen again, I am very angry, angry with Tasha, you and myself.Now I'm worried about you, you really need help, Dan.I'm not condemning you, but you've got to see a therapist, you can't really do this on your own.

Mulder And: Maybe you can take me with you.There may be group discounts :) Threesomes are out of the question.I sighed and deleted the email.Another chattered about seeing a psychiatrist.Shut up.What on earth am I supposed to tell the doctor?Said I was driving five times the speed limit because I was driving like a retard, because I slept with an intern, an ex-girlfriend who also happened to be my wife's best friend, and all because of that early night Sometime I got into an argument with my extramarital girlfriend and even though I promised my wife I would never be unfaithful to her until she died (actually, she has cancer and will die soon, doc) I slept with my extramarital girlfriend - then I What should I do, doctor?When we talk about this, I should ask Carmen

Confess everything, doctor? You are bad You are bad You are bad baby you bad I'm going to say it again You are bad You are bad baby you bad Linda Ronstadt, from Youre No Good (Youre No Good, 1974) Only two days, four hours and eighteen minutes later, Carmen called. She said she was going home at noon today.She didn't say much, but at least she called.I resisted not speaking, people who do wrong things are not qualified to speak; and I could feel that Carmen was doing it on purpose, I knew I let her down, but after drinking half a bottle of vodka, I completely forgot about the phone call up.

The vodka was brought by Frank, who suddenly appeared at my door.We never talked about the accident at work during the day, and last night I told Frank everything (though I kept it a secret from Tasha and Mulder).He put his arm around me and I poured it all out.After two days of humiliation at home, at the police station, at the garage and at work, I wept in Frank's arms.My heart is heavy. I woke up this morning to Luna's little cries, a little hungover and very depressed.I rocked out of bed, fed Luna, dressed her, took her to nursery, that was all I could do.Then I called Mulder, told her I wasn't going to work today, and went back to bed.It felt like Luna was playing peek-a-boo—thinking that if she covered her eyes with her hand, she couldn't see anything, and neither could anyone else.

I couldn't sleep, and now, an hour after Carmen called, I felt even worse.I'm starting to dread facing Carmen at noon today.Maybe spend two days writing some words to punish yourself. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit.

I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit.

I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I must never sleep with other women or drive five times the speed limit. I looked at the alarm clock, it was half past twelve.Carmen will be home in a few hours.The closer this moment came, the more I felt that I couldn't face it.I wanted to do the right thing, I wanted to pamper my Carmen, but I screwed up. Carmen could no longer understand me.Nobody understands, Mulder is mad at me, and Frank is sure to be too, because I called in sick today.Ramon called me a fool.I thought that Thomas and Anne who had comforted Carmen for two days would definitely not have a good look at me.Even Rose lost her temper, and she didn't even know what everyone else knew. Oh yeah, I consider myself an asshole too.I feel guilty, spurned, pitiful, angry, worried, depressed, selfish, helpless, evil, wronged, rude, hypocritical, belittled, stressed out, depressed, immoral, self-centered, misunderstood, cowardly, Hypocrisy, unhappy. All in all, I'm a big badass. I sighed heavily and rolled over on the bed.Get up to go to the bathroom, then lie back on the bed.Get up and stand by the window and look outside.I went back to bed, lay on my back, lay on my stomach, and got up.Go downstairs to the kitchen and pour a glass of milk, then go back to bed.Twelve minutes to one.I lie on my left side.I cried.I tossed and turned in bed.Pick up the phone and call Rose. Rose was furious. "Why didn't you call me before? I cried for two nights, waiting for your call or text message!" I told her I went into town and got into a car accident because I drank too much.Rose was terrified. "What!?—you big fool! Did—did you hurt yourself?" "No--" "Thank goodness." She sighed.She was the first person to comfort me today, the shadow of the car accident is gradually fading after so many things happened. "Carmen left me two days ago, Rose." "what!?" "She was mad because of the car accident and drunk, and because I was hours late coming home—" "You're the most incredible jerk, Danny - you can be nice, but the way you've been treating people has been really out of whack lately - why don't you see a therapist?" "You said that too!? No! I won't see a psychiatrist!" Rose was silent for a while. Then she asked, "Did I mention Nora?" "No. Who is she?" "Nora is a psychic, she can help you and give you some spiritual advice." "very funny." "She might be able to help you." "I don't believe in God." "Did I ever talk about faith?" "No, but what use is spiritual advice to me? Should I ask her which vodka she chooses?" "Laugh all you want, but I'm going to tell you anyway." "okay then." Rose ignored my taunts. "You may think it's too inexplicable, you may not believe it, but Nora is really talented. She is not a warlock or something, not an expert, but she can help you cleanse your mind and let you talk through The process helps itself." "Then how does she know what I'm thinking?" "She sensed it." "From whom?" "From the spiritual world." "Don't say that." I pretended to be indifferent, but something she said attracted me.I don't know why. "If you want, I'll send you the phone number later." "Whatever." I said as nonchalantly as I could. "Good afternoon to you—" Nora, 06-42518346, call her now - X. I stared at the number on the phone screen for a while, shrugged, and saved it in the phone.To be on the safe side, the name I use is SOS.I don't want to explain to Carmen who Nora is, how I got her number, whether I slept with her or not. Have you worn my shoes?What have you done wear my shoes De Dijk, from Ga in mijn schoenen staan (Muzikanten dansen niet,2002) I heard the front door open and Carmen came in, put down her bag, took off her jacket, and went to the kitchen and sat down. "Want some coffee?" She shook her head. "I'd like to drink, if you don't mind." I feel her eyes follow me as I make myself coffee. "Frank called me this morning," she said. "He told me you weren't feeling well and you're sick today." "Yes--" "Listen, Dan. I feel betrayed by you. Anne and Thomas agree completely." "Hey, I didn't expect that," I murmured. "Sometimes even friends will have different opinions. Annie also comforted me and said that if I look at things from your point of view, if the situation is reversed today, I may do some strange things. There is another thing." "what?" "Tony has left her husband. The man never went to chemotherapy with her because he couldn't deal with it. She has stopped communicating with him. Hearing her say that made me think a lot. We went through it together. So much, so we should be able to face cancer together, and since it happened, we have to accept the fact." I nodded, as happy as a child that Mom had just told him they were friends again. "Come here, you bastard," she said, smiling, running her fingers through my hair. "Forgiveness is part of love." no matter how much we spend no matter how much they urge i never thought of leaving you can laugh here there are many interesting things here I can't think of where else I can go Danny de Munk, from Mjjn stad (Danny de Munk, 1984) What I dreaded still happened. I asked Carmen three times if she was going to stay at Annie's when they moved this week.I can have the movers move everything from Amstelveenstrasse to Johannas Verhauststrasse, arrange the bedrooms and living room, and in the evening Carmen can move into a big and tidy new home up.But she didn't want to talk to me about it. The movers arrived in a quarter of an hour, but Carmen was very ill.This is expected, Carmen's body is only a formal existence before twelve o'clock every day.She's asleep, or lying still, and that's fine, but once she's tired, her body fights back so violently that she throws up everything she's eaten for the past few hours.From just now to now, she has vomited in the toilet three times in an hour. I waited until the movers came, told them the coffee was brewed, there was an apple pie on the table for a snack, and I was going to take my wife and a vomit bucket.I helped Carmen get dressed and helped her to the car, then ran back upstairs, grabbed a pillow, a duvet, and a bucket from the bedroom, and threw everything into the Opel I rented from the rental car company. Drive carefully to your new home, avoid sharp turns, quick starts, brakes.When I arrived, I took the duvet and pillows and ran upstairs to the bedroom first. Thank God, the water bed shop delivered the water bed in time. After the bed was made, I went back downstairs and went upstairs with Carmen to accompany her slowly. Go upstairs to the room.I undressed her and put her on a soft waterbed.There she was: wretched, weighing less than 50kg, paper-pale, smiling on a big waterbed in a bigger bedroom, completely empty except for the vomit bucket. "Then you move, and I'll sleep comfortably in our new home." I couldn't help laughing.I know my sense of humor will get farther and farther away from me in the days to come. get up close and see how ugly you are Huub Hangop, from How ugly you are close up (The Very Worst of Huub Hangop,1993) The nanny we invited from the Czech Republic arrived by bus all the way. When Carmen and I saw her on the Global Nanny website a few months ago we didn't expect Carmen to make it to nanny, but thanks to LV Chemo, she was able to.Carmen said she was happy to see her. Another thing that pleased Carmen was that the nanny herself was uglier than the photos.God, what a monster we got in our house! Our nanny looked like a goth rock singer and Furby cross, with a piercing on her lower lip.But Luna is very fond of Furby dolls, so she is very happy.So does Carmen.She cheerfully emailed all her women, telling them she was absolutely sure I would never approach this nanny.Rick the handyman was finishing up at the house, and he texted me asking for extra risk money because he was at such a high risk of falling down the stairs in case of accidentally bumping into this nanny. All is not well.Sometimes I need to explain to the nanny what she wants to buy from the supermarket, write it down for her, and then explain it again. I have to go back and forth three times to buy it myself.When she finally understood what a "half pound of ground meat" was, she refused to buy it.She refused to walk past Albert Hein's butcher's section, and the nanny was a strict vegetarian who neither bought nor cooked anything made from animal meat. She doesn't ride a bike either.I thought it might have something to do with her religious beliefs again, but once I urged her to try it, I understood.Purely out of fear.I still took Luna to nursery by myself. Finally, beyond the language barrier, her natural clumsiness, her ugliness, and the objective differences in our opinions on culinary preparation, there is a problem.We soon found out that it was not easy to get along with this nanny.She would sigh aggrievedly after every question I asked her, just like I just forced her to swallow her piercing.She is a very gloomy person, just like the little girls in adolescence will get together to talk about boys, but she can only hide in the corner alone. I can understand the uncomfortable feeling. So what she did - though she sighed - was ironing, washing, sweeping, vacuuming, and I taught her to do the laundry, the dishwasher, and take out the trash, if I didn't have to. Do, then what do I ask the nanny to do. But frankly, the presence of the nanny has freed me up more than I had before, taking care of my morning shift on the weekends and staying home with Luna in the evenings when Carmen fell asleep on sleeping pills.This way I can occasionally go to the supermarket to buy small things, finish MIU work, or have sex with Rose. Always look on the sunny side of life Monty Python, from Life of Brian (1979) Another good thing about having a nanny is that I am more proud of Carmen every day, she is so much better. Carmen knows her days are numbered, but she adds joy to the few days she has.Nanny doesn't even know what life is, she never likes to do anything.never. When Carmen was a little better, she was always full of love for life.For example, this week she has been looking forward to dinner with Anne and Thomas tonight.I'm not interested, I want her to stay at home, but Carmen wants to be able to do what she wants as long as she lives. I haven't spoken to Thomas since the accident.I could barely look at him as I got out of the Opel.Carmen entered the living room ahead of me.Thomas pulled me aside. "Don't talk about the carnival, okay?" he whispered nervously. I looked at him innocently. "About—with Mulder." He said her name as if he were talking about a cockroach, but his expression showed that he was still thinking about that night.He even had a smile on his face.I made a movement with my hand, as if locking my mouth, and swallowed the key.Thomas winked at me.Never underestimate having an affair, it will make you more tolerant of others. Anne and Thomas prepared everything to make us feel comfortable, Carmen and me.Not talking and hugging like Frank, but in their own way - not talking about the accident and the Opel, the bottle of vodka and lemonade that Thomas bought just for me, Anne's day in the kitchen for us today.She said she wants to have a good time tonight pamper us.Carmen doesn't mention that she's been throwing up all day, but we eat together. After the first course she went to the toilet.Spit out what I just ate. After the main course she went to the toilet again and threw up too. Same thing after dessert, all the food went in the toilet. "Thank you very much for tonight," I said.Anne kissed me three times and winked at me.Thomas patted me hard on the shoulder. Carmen's face was pale, but her eyes were cheerful. "Thank you very much, dear. I had a great time tonight." Thomas hugged her suddenly, and for a split second I thought he would never let her go again. As we drove away, I saw Thomas hugging Anne tightly, with the other hand wiping a tear from his eye. two birthdays and a funeral The first member of the Argali group to die was Tony. Carmen almost collapsed when she heard it.Three weeks ago, Tony heard that it was pointless to continue chemotherapy, and now she passed away. Tony hadn't seen her ex-husband since the divorce, and he could see her one more time, at her funeral, to see her lay peacefully in her coffin. "At least they won't fight anymore." Carmen laughed. She said she wanted to go to the funeral.I was kind of upset when I heard the date.next Tuesday.It's my birthday and Luna's.Our 3rd birthday since showing signs of cancer.And it's the last one, that's almost certain. And Carmen wanted to go to the funeral, which was like brushing up on her own funeral. "Don't you think it might—maybe a little hard for you?" "Can't we celebrate your birthdays on Sunday? Nobody's coming on Tuesday. The funeral is only a few hours away." I tried not to show it, but Carmen could tell I was upset. "I think I'd be too sorry for her if I didn't go." "Is that fair to me and Luna?" I couldn't help it, and said it. Many people came to the house on Sunday.My friends, family, little ones at Luna Nursery.I noticed that Carmen's mother jumped when she came in.She hasn't seen her daughter for three weeks.Carmen's belly looked like a malnourished pregnant woman.We were standing in the kitchen chatting as Luna walked in proudly in her new princess dress with angel wings.Carmen knelt down to get a better look. "How cute!" she happily said to Luna, before she lost her balance and fell, pulling Luna. Luna was terrified and started crying. "Watch out!" I cried, also terrified. "You know your legs have no strength now, fuck it, Ka!" Carmen was so ashamed of her fall and my reaction that she also started crying.The party didn't get off to a great start. "Are you doing anything else for your birthday Tuesday?" Annie asked, taking a bite of the sweet orange birthday cake. "Carmen has business. She's going to the funeral of Tony, whom she met in the discussion group." "The funeral is on Tuesday?" "yes." Anne frowned. The night after the party, Carmen said she wasn't going to the funeral on Tuesday. "Annie persuades me. I'll buy Tony a beautiful bouquet. I think so. I think Tony will understand." "I'm absolutely sure Tony will understand." I breathed a sigh of relief. happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear danny and luna happy birthday to you As Carmen sang, she knew in her heart that even if there was today every year, she would never see it again.I could tell from everything she did that she wanted to make it up to us because she wanted to go to Tony's funeral.The breakfast Luna and I had in bed, which Carmen cooked for us, had the nanny come upstairs.Luna smiled happily and ate croissants and coconut cakes with peanut butter, I had a piece of coconut cake and bread, and Carmen puffed into milk and fruit cornflakes. It's not looking good today.Everything makes me emotional.Frank texted to say he was happy to have me as a friend and hoped to remain so for many years to come.Anne texted to say she was glad Carmen and I celebrated our birthday together despite all that happened.Carmen gave me an enlarged photo of a series of nude photos I had taken of her when we first met. After breakfast I could tell Carmen was tired and feeling unwell. "You should lie down for an hour or two," I said. "Don't you think that's bad?" she asked hesitantly. I shake my head. "Lie down and get some sleep. I might go to the city later, half an hour. On Sunday, Mulder sent me a gift certificate for the record store." I played with my little sunshine for about an hour, then asked the nanny to make pancakes for Luna.Now she's clumsy to the point of magic, so I make her promise to absolutely take care of Luna and keep her from falling off the stool next to the sink. "Trust me," she said.Ok.Now that I know the sitter, I get the creeps to hear her say that, but I can't be here all day, making sure this cow doesn't hurt my daughter. I ran upstairs to have a look.Carmen kept a bucket next to her bed, and I checked, it wasn't empty. It was filled with the cornflakes she ate in the morning. I rode like crazy to the CD store on Van Paulle Street.Within fifteen minutes I bought a Coldplay CD as evidence. Then I cycled to Rosena.She wrapped herself in red lace like a Christmas present. what is that that's your life, man Oh - too soon - can I live again Fawlty Towers (1976) In the waiting room outside Rodenbach's office, I'm bored.I had finished reading the football magazines on the shelf by the door, and I started looking at Carmen's medical records.The nurse who just emptied Carmen's stomach gave it to us, and we'll give it to Dr. Rodenbach.I saw that since November, the abdomen has been evacuated 16 times, and the medical record shows how much Carmen has evacuated since the beginning. "Do you know how many liters of ascites they took out of your belly?" "have no idea." "Just over 71 liters." "Haha - that's more than I weighed when I started chemo." Carmen is now 47 kg, and it can be seen that she is losing weight day by day.Six months ago, she was almost 70 kg.She has been very cold for the past few weeks because of the lack of fat.The thermostat in the living room was set at 24 degrees all day.The water bed was 4 degrees warmer than recommended.Thank goodness we got water beds.Ordinary beds were too hard for her skin and bones. We do not expect a positive conversation with Rodenbach to come.Piercing was reduced to biweekly at the start of LV therapy and now every few days.And it was getting worse, as if Carmen's organs were churning and it hurt more after each piercing.Last time it was bad.Even with the morphine, Carmen vomited from the pain.I often fantasize about my wife standing in front of a bucket and a snake crawling out of her belly into the bucket, which is filled with a disgusting yellow liquid. "Sit down, please," said Rodenbach kindly. We have seen him six times since his transfer to Anthony van Raevenhoek Hospital.We trust each other.He knew we wouldn't cry and complain like other patients, and we knew he wouldn't cheat and cheat us like our previous doctors did. Dr. Rodenbach is going to confirm something with us. "The tumor index has skyrocketed again. LV treatment is no longer effective." "What-what-what does that mean?" I stammered, even though I knew what he was going to say. "I'm afraid now we really have to throw in the towel." That's all.Everything is coming to an end. Carmen was dropped.Tony died just three weeks after being given up by doctors. Carmen sat looking at me with her hand over her mouth.I held her other hand tightly and looked at her. "Shall we go back?" I asked cautiously. She nods. We had an appointment to return to Rodenbach's office three weeks later.I hope so, because maybe by then Carmen will be gone and Rodenbach's mission will be over.The only thing he could do for Carmen was to sign the prescription and ask the pharmacist to prescribe Carmen the medicines, morphine, Kangquan, prednisone and temazepam.For pain relief. I started the engine and turned off the stereo, not in the mood for Riverbank. Everything won't come naturally.