Chapter 8 Chapter VII

many things to do I still have a lot to do Toontje Lager, from Zoveel te doen (Stiekem dansen, 1983) 15 "It might sound crazy, but I have a sense of relief," Carmen said, before we even left the hospital parking lot. "At least now I know where we are, my days are numbered." "Ka, please—" These were the first words I said after leaving Shetma's office. "But, it's true. We left here last year and after that it's unknown and there's nothing we can do about it. Now we know for sure." I'm surprised she said that and confused by her saying that.But she had a point.I think back to last year, when the hit was much bigger, much bigger.

"I want to go on vacation," she said with a twinkle in her eye. "As much as possible! I want to go to Ireland, er—Barcelona! Yes, I want to go to Barcelona, ​​with you." I even started to enjoy this. "I'll ask Frank if he knows any good cheap and comfortable hotels there." I laughed. "Is that all, ma'am?" "I want to spend the weekend in an old castle in the south of Belgium with all my friends." She began to dream.Suddenly she's someone who's enjoying life, "Oh, by the way, can I stop at the grocery store?" "why?"

"Buy some cigarettes. I'm determined to smoke." I laughed and stopped at a Moroccan grocery store on Zell Street. "Regular Marlboro or light?" "Normal. It's okay to have a little lung cancer now, isn't it?" i do what i want Do not ask me why i do what i want it might be silly we do what we want (Astrid Nijgh, from Ik doe wat ik doe (Mensen zijn je beste vrienden, 1973) I walked into the grocery store smiling, and there were two people in front of me in line at the counter.I looked out and saw Carmen sitting in the car, her eyes staring blankly into the distance.Shocked, I looked at her and the smile disappeared from my face.

What can we hope for now? I have a lot going on in my head.The ambulance in the middle of the night, Carmen debilitated, the fear of pain, dying, dying, dying.My heart constricted.Suddenly I was overwhelmed with panic and my wife was on the verge of dying!Carmen is real now is dying!I felt dizzy and almost threw up.I was restless and started to sweat. "Hey, how long the fuck will it be before I'm served? All I want is some cigarettes." I growled suddenly. "Calm down, sir, I only have two hands!" The usually good-tempered man replied angrily.The two people in front of me turned their heads and glared at me.I hurried to the toilet and took out my phone.

The cancer has spread, Rose.can i call you laterPlease. i collect good memories Herman Brood, in an interview with Henk Binnendijk (Fifty-Fifty,EO) in 1994 Dear Luna: I want to write all the things we have been through together in this diary, so that you will always know how much I love you.I'm sick, I have cancer, and I may not be here by the time you read this.I hope this diary will bring you good memories. You are only two years old, but you often appear to be very intelligent, probably because you speak early.There have been times this past year that have been tough for us, and sometimes me or my dad couldn't hold back the tears and you saw it and you came and hugged us and wiped the tears from our cheeks.It made us feel much more comfortable.Or you'll say something that makes us happy and keeps us from being sad.There are many people who come to comfort us, but in our hearts, you are the best.

Tonight before you go to sleep I hug you and say I love you so much and then you say you love me too.very nice!It makes me feel warm from the inside. My father and I talked a lot, because we already knew that in a short time, I would be leaving you.It hurts, but anyway, the three of us are going to have a good time in these last short days, and I'm really enjoying it.I'm so glad I have the most amazing family that makes me cry with happiness. I love you!Mother if you ask me I would say They themselves are not that happy Tol Hansse, from Big City (Tol Hansse moet niet zeuren, 1978)

Carmen joined a discussion group she called the Argali group. Without breast cancer, Carmen would never have been able to get involved with organizations like the Argali Group in her entire life.She burst out laughing every now and then as she told me about the meeting. "Spent all morning comfortably talking to five women about breast cancer." The only one that was okay was Tony, short for Antonia.Like Carmen, she's in her thirties, lives in Amsterdam (the others are from Zaandam, Midrechet, and a village I've never heard of), and she's good looking too.If I hadn't known she had only one breast, I might have even thought she was fine.All the Argali women had one breast removed, one (yet) has not spread, the other doctor has given up, and the remaining three, as in Carmen's case, will have problems sooner or later. "In this way, the argali group will gradually disappear by itself." Carmen said jokingly.

These women also had a lot to say when it came to love, marriage, and Carmen told me that one of them got divorced when the cancer haze started and her husband couldn't take it anymore.Tony's husband, who can barely talk about cancer, spends all night sitting in front of a computer in the attic.The third woman in the Argali group had a broken marriage before the cancer, so nothing was different.They all want to laugh when they talk about it.They meet at each other's homes every two weeks.Carmen told me that the husbands also sometimes talk to each other. When I heard this, the look on my face made Carmen wonder if I would join them too.

Carmen got something out of it, too.In the Argali group, at least they were free to talk about what it was like to be a woman and lose a breast.And that's something Annie, Mulder, Carmen's mother, and the girls at the ad agency never dared to mention. Last week the Argali group had a party at our home.They were all sitting there when Luna and I came in.I was a little embarrassed introducing myself because I knew they would talk about me sometimes. “We’re giving husbands this afternoon a 10 out of 10,” Carmen told me in the evening. “How do they deal with the fact that their wife has cancer, do they always go to the hospital with their wife, do they talk about their illness despite all the pain, Do they have the same attitude?"

"How much did you rate me?" "Eight points." "Eight points?" I asked in surprise. "Yes. Now that I've heard everyone's stories in the group, I realize that you didn't handle it that badly." "Perhaps we should tell Thomas and Anne about these parties," I replied. "No need," Carmen said. "I've already told them." For those who have an idea, an idea from the bottom of the heart Glad you're alive isn't a sin Bruce Springsteen, from Badlands (Darkness On The Edge Of Town, 1978) Summer is the time for big parties.

Frank and I agreed that I would only go to work for emergencies and major reports.This way I can spend as much time with Carmen as possible. Carmen and I do whatever we want. We buy black market tickets and go to all the European football championships in Holland.Only when Kluivert scored for the fourth time in the quarter-final against Yugoslavia did Kamen join the 50,000 others in ecstasy. The ball game is a climax that lasts half an hour. Carmen thinks this is great! "It would be nice if I died just as Holland became European champions, wouldn't it? I'd die hilariously—" she laughed.But this is just a joke, she can't last until that time, but the advantage of cancer is that she can express all her feelings.When we saw the match between the Netherlands and Italy, it was as if we were competing for the world record of missed free throws. We laughed so hard that our stomachs ached.But losing the game doesn't kill you, football is just a game. We will go out on weekends and stay in the best hotels.In Barcelona, ​​we live in the Wenyi Hotel.We were on the top floor overlooking barcelona and the mediterranean sea, we got the biggest suite, we played peekaboo, carmen won almost every time, she laughed when i walked past the closet where she hid for the third time and didn't find her I just discovered her. In the evening we had a great meal, we sat in the street of Mallorca eating paella and pastries and really enjoyed it. Having just had a delicious meal, Carmen barely ate anything, but she still enjoyed it.me too. fucking cancer.Attacking her again when we finished eating, Carmen started to feel tired after five minutes, but waited an hour for a taxi.Carmen cried in pain. I want to call you later, my goddess— In Ireland, we choose the most luxurious castle to eat and live.Carmen was so weak that we only got out of the car to go to the pub for lunch or to spend the night at the castle next door, but we had a great week.We made a video for Luna, and the video reflected Carmen and Dan's childishness.Carmen performs "How Not to Be Seen" behind a fat woman in the lounge of the Morrison Hotel in Dublin.Danny performs "Spicy Chili Peppers" wearing a Ballymore Castle shower cap.Carmen put her prosthetic breasts on her nose to perform the stamp.Danny played Ray Charles at the Cliffs of Moher.Carmen plays "which test is worse" (burn or drown? never sit or never stand? never eat or never orgasm? never pee or never shit? cancer or AIDS?).And speak in a language only we know. We are very happy in this crazy country.People here start drinking at ten in the morning.According to Carmen, the women here are ugly, which is the biggest reason why she likes Ireland. Back in Amsterdam, whenever the weather was good, we went canal boating every day, with our parents, friends, and lots of bottles of rosé.We usually stop at the Amstel Hotel and drink champagne on the terrace.Or we'll drive to Old Kirk and have a decadent lunch at Klein Paderberg.Another time when we were driving by the Zogwiried cemetery, Carmen told me she hoped to be buried there in the future. Alas, just passed Zogwirid.Carmen asked me if I could find her a good burial here.I can not. Carmen invited a group of friends to spend the weekend with us at a castle in southern Belgium.There were 23 guests in total, and Carmen shared with everyone the articles in the books she had read all her life.Sometimes it rains harder inside than outside. We also went hunting.We originally planned to live in Amstelveen Road for three years, and then use the money we earned from MIU and an advertising agency to find a bigger house, but because of the spread of cancer cells, I moved the plan forward.Carmen still had to digest my plans, but now she was happy to know what kind of house Luna and I would live in when she was gone. "If Taxotere really works, maybe I can live there for a while." She said hopefully. I don't have great expectations for this aspect. If Carmen can move into the new house with us, it means she will die. I am afraid that the new house will be like this one, which makes me full of fear of disease and death.I sincerely hope that the new house is a new beginning for me and Luna.But I dare not tell Carmen this.But we talk a lot about the future of life after Carmen's death.Talk for hours, at home, in bars, on boats, on decks.We talk about everything. Dad and I also talked about the possibility that you might have a new mother in the future.I think it's a great idea.That's certainly true for Dad, and it's also good for you, because you have someone to talk to, laugh with, fight with, and do things with.Although I am gone, you will always be with me in my heart.No matter what happens, you will always be my favorite, even though I can't be here to talk to you, hug you - I will always love you, just like I will always love Dad. As we talked more, I found that we fell in love with each other again, and we enjoyed the last period of our lives with each other.Dan and Carmen are like the king and queen in a fairy tale, living a short and happy life. Give me Give me Give me strength Suede, from The Power (Dog Man Star, 1994) Bad things can still happen during the time of enjoyment.The side effects of chemotherapy can be scary.Carmen went through menopause fifteen years early, and she started feeling flushed, her periods stopped, and her hair started to turn gray, but not for long, because she went bald again after three treatments.The spiked wig came out of the box again.This time her eyebrows and eyelashes fell out too.She wore false eyelashes for a few days, but with no success, as she was in tears from the chemotherapy.I saw her wiping her tears with a handkerchief all day long. Another side effect was that all her fingertips were taped because her nails were either loose or falling off.Her fingertips felt "like fingers caught in a door".Carmen cried this morning because she could no longer change Luna's diaper.Her fingers no longer had the strength to tear off the pasted edges.After that, she was very angry, angry with herself, angry with the diaper company, angry with me, because I said to her in a hurry that she could make me do it. "Don't you really understand that I want to do it myself?" she shrieked at me. Another problem is coughing, especially at night.Sometimes I worry that she won't be able to stop from now on.But I'm more worried that it means the cancer is spreading.I read in a pamphlet that breast cancer cells are most likely to spread to the lungs.The doctor reassured us: it could be pleurisy. "Pleurisy, doctor?" As you might have guessed, it's a side effect of chemotherapy. Carmen had to put in a lot of effort in everything she did.She has almost no energy left.Shetema calls this the cumulative effect.The body is increasingly resistant to chemotherapy. The most difficult thing was to get an injection from the blood vessel in her hand, which made her very painful, because Carmen's blood vessel was harder to find than ordinary people, and every time the injection became more difficult and painful, it took several attempts to succeed.Carmen regards injections as climbing a mountain, climbing higher each time.But every time I see the doctor stabbing Carmen's hand like this, I can't help crying.Two more times, and the first six chemo sessions were over.Then there were three weeks off chemo, to give Carmen's body a chance to recover, and then it started all over again.And six more times.The thought of this Carmen almost drove me crazy. "It would be great if all the needles that were injected into my body could be changed into medicines." Carmen said when we went to Dr. Shetema for a follow-up visit every week before chemotherapy, "I am willing to do anything. "When she said that, tears were about to fall again.Then I carried a crying Carmen into the chemo room for her fifth chemo. And seven times. After I saw Carmen's injection just now, I ran to the bathroom and cried. That's too bad, Rose.I'll call you later. surprised me for years Even if I live to be a hundred years old, I will never forget it. you fooled me, you fooled me Wim Sonnefeld, from Tearoom tango (An evening with Wim Sonneveld, 1966) It turns out there really are potions. Carmen knew it through Tony.At the Anthony Van Ravenhoek Hospital, where Carmen went for radiation therapy, which Tony said was testing an oral chemotherapy drug for several months.I can not believe it. Carmen told me to call them. "Your expressive ability is better than mine." I called and the doctor at Anthony Van Ravenhoek confirmed what Tony had said. As long as Mrs. Van Di Ampon was a patient of the doctors at St. Lucas Hospital, there was nothing they could do for her.I said I understand and I will be in touch with Dr Shetema. I hung up and Carmen looked at me. "Yes, there is a medicine that can be drunk." Carmen was moved to tears. I want to drive to that goddamn hospital, grab Shetma's hand, and stick that same needle that goes into Carmen's hand every week into Shetma's hand.one two three four five six seven eight nine ten.take a deep breath.Then I called the San Lucas Hospital and asked for Shetema.She went on vacation. The acting doctor is Dr. Tesmere.I explained to him as calmly as possible that my wife was having a hard time getting the weekly injections and had caused major psychological problems, and Dr Shetema knew about this, and hoped they would allow Carmen to be transferred to Anthony Van Ravenhoek Hospital for oral treatment .Dr. Tesmeer told me he couldn't help me, he explained that he couldn't simply refer his colleague's patient over and that Dr Shetma would be back in another week and a half. I was so angry that I told him that before today, I had always naively thought that doctors would put the patient's quality of life first, and my wife's quality of life was almost zero, because a few days a week before chemotherapy, She was fidgeting and crying because she couldn't face the catheter going back into her body.Then I brought up another incident, a feud - and not unrelated - and I said I had hoped the doctor would have a little humanity as my wife ended up with it all because of one of his colleagues - Dr Walters A mistake that was made, the one almost two years ago. Dr. Tesmeer became angry, said he knew nothing about it, that it seemed to him irrelevant to the present discussion, and that he thought it extremely unusual for me to speak to him in that tone. "Is that all you have to say?" I asked him. "yes." "That's good. Now it's time for me to say: I will have nothing more to do with you." I also said he was going to get a vehement fax and that I was sending a copy to Dr. Shetma and Anthony van Raeven Doctor at Hawke's because I value my wife's happiness more than Shetma's damn vacation. Carmen asked if we should give up.Don't even think about it!I'm already furious.We have always been mermaid and slaughtered. Immediately, I went over and sat down at the computer and started faxing in which I wrote that I would take this to the press if necessary to ensure my wife could be tested at Anthony van Ravenhoek hospital , and I reserve the right to take any other approach.I actually have no idea what the other methods would be, but I think it sounds threatening. I faxed the letter the next day, and at nine o'clock the phone rang. "Mr. Van Diampan, I'm Dr. Rodenbach, Medical Director of Anthony Van Ravenhoek Hospital. Dr. Tesmeer from St. Lucas Hospital gave me your number." We sat in his office two hours later.Dr. Rodenbach is an oasis in the desert, the kind of doctor who lets his patients talk and listens.He told us the results of the oral tests are still inconclusive and that the chemotherapy worked better for Carmen.He advised Carmen against the test and suggested an alternative, injection without a cannula.An implanted central venous catheter, which sounds like chemical cosmetics to me, seems to be a very convenient little device that is implanted under the skin near the breast after anesthesia for a minor operation.The medicine can then be injected into a vein through a permanent hole, rather than through a needle and catheter, which is painless and usually works the first time.Carmen said she had heard about the gadget from an online chat group six months ago, and that she had spoken to Schetma once, but she strongly advised her not to use it.say this hand The surgery is quite large and often gets blocked.Shetema thought there was no need to be so troublesome. "So—well—that sounds good to us." Schetma, a colleague at St. Lucas Hospital that Rodenbach did his best to maintain, I once asked her if it would be better for my wife to be treated at Anthony Van Ravenhoek Hospital, Anthony van Ravenhoek The Ke hospital specializes in cancer treatment.That's Shetma, when she categorically denied my point that all the information about cancer, all the new developments, all the new methods in all the hospitals in the world would become common to all doctors in a few hours because of the Internet. knowledge.And she told us that every two weeks she discusses her patients' conditions with doctors at the neighboring Anthony Van Ravenhoek Hospital. But she lied to us, she lied to us callously when Carmen cried and begged to be used any other way than to prick the damn needle. Rodenbach said he thought a device was better than an oral treatment, but that the decision was up to Carmen.He also offered to take on Carmen as his patient. Carmen chose to install instruments, chose Rodenbach, and chose Anthony Van Ravenhoek Hospital.I could tell she was happy, and so was I. Antony van Raiwenhoek Hospital (AvL) specializes in treating cancer, and AvL's doctors and nurses understand what's going on in the minds of people whose lives are at risk - or, like Carmen's, incurable. Another advantage is that all the medical staff who appear here know that you are not here because your wife is having a baby or having an appendectomy, but because of cancer.Even I inadvertently cast a sympathetic look at the people who have just heard that their mother's cancer is spreading, or that their grandfather may die at any moment, or that the doctor has been Give up hope of treatment for their husband or wife.In fact, AvL is like the red light district of Amsterdam, if you see someone walking around here, you know what he/she is doing there. The operation of opening the knife and installing the instrument is actually really easy, and Carmen whistled happily while doing the rest of the chemotherapy. We never went to San Lucas again, and Shetma's voice came on our answering line once to say she was sorry for what happened while on vacation and wished us luck.I accepted her apology and let it go, as did Carmen. Although Carmen is about to die soon, at least she will have a better life during these last days. when i feel like this I hope to heal with lust Marvin Gaye, from Sexual Healing (Midnight Love, 1982) To make my life better too, I fell back into old habits.I'm addicted to Rose again. The day after I knew the cancer had spread, and after dropping Luna off at daycare, Rose and I met at a café in De Pipe. coffee house.Flirting is allowed here, but only if you're good at it.The more unusual your coffee, the higher your status.You have to act like a connoisseur and forget cappuccino, espresso.Even if you know as much about coffee as a cow knows about rock climbing, you'd have to order an Americano or an espresso.That's how you belong here, that's all. It was the safest time and place for the autistic, as it was far from Rose's home in Odyssey. Rose listened as I poured out my frustrations and troubles. After that, all summer long, between vacations and boating with Carmen, I secretly arranged to meet Rose at bars and sandwich bars.We were careful to meet at a coffee shop far from her house so we didn't risk that we would end up at Rose's and I would break my promise to Carmen. I think I did the best I could by staying away from Rose for four full months. It was the first time since I met Carmen that we hadn't messed around in such a long time. She lost all interest in sex, so my sex life went away, but my guilt didn't go away. The loneliness phobia in me is taunting me: I still live a double life, I still have two women, sneaky, but I can't sleep with either of them.Sometimes when Rose hugs me a little intimately at the bar, I'm about to explode. Just one night after chemo, things got out of hand.I called Rose, she was at home, and I was at her house in a quarter of an hour.She comforted me, and the comfort turned into a hug, and the hug turned into lovemaking.She fought back too, but none of us stopped.We did it on the carpet and within a minute of being inside her I was ejaculating.We hugged each other and we both cried. Over the next few weeks, I fell for her more than ever.Every half hour I longed to be with her, and my notepad began to fill up with schedules, Carmen, Luna, going to the hospital, seeing the house the real estate agency had chosen for us, working.Although the latter also provided cover for my brief meeting with Rose. But it's a little bit different from where we were last year.After we had a crazy sex last week, Rose popped it up. "I love you, Danny." At the time I felt something was wrong and I didn't know why.I broke my promise to Carmen, and now things are not easy at all. I was so nervous when I wondered why "I love you, Danny" sounded so good to me.Rose's confession of love soothed my ego and I felt like a man again, not a friend.It was a compensation for the charitable love I gave at home. I realized Rose wasn't joking.She's the only one I like, the only one I feel comfortable with, and she loves me now. This is something that neither Frank, nor alcohol, nor MDMA can prevent. it's baby calling she said i need you Golden Earring, from Radar love (Moontan, 1973)