Chapter 7 Chapter Six

Carmen seemed to find that I found comfort in work and clubs, and she wasn't happy about it, but in order to make herself happy, she had to accept it and started to do like me.A few weeks before Monaco, she and Anne went to the island of Schimonikoch for a relaxing weekend.The week before, she had been shopping with her mum in London.She was in New York with Mulder on Easter. She is never boring.When Luna is at home, they do fun things together on repeat.While Luna was at nursery, Carmen went to the ad agency for coffee or lunch with Mulder.Or, spend a day with her mum in Purmerend.She escapes while shopping. "Shopping is healthy," is her new motto.Recently, many boutiques like Dkny, Diesel, Replay, and Gucci have traces of Carmen.

For my second birthday after cancer, I got a bike from Carmen, but no sex.We haven't done it since Christmas presents.I don't even remember what it was like to have sex with her.Oh, and to be honest, I didn't try very hard on that either.Neither of us has much need for it anymore.Carmen has cancer and only one breast, I have Rose. We still live together, but more like brother and sister.We know the current situation, we know we can't live without each other, and we try not to quarrel.Carmen did her best to keep the shadow of cancer out of our lives and to be as happy as possible at home.So once in a while, when cancer, prosthetic breasts, or my going out upset her, I was the punching bag.I totally understand.I'm glad she still gives me a lot of freedom and lets me go outside now and then, no matter how much pain she may have.I know how hard she had to work to make it happen.

On my part, I did everything I could to make sure Carmen wasn't suspicious of what I was doing in my absence.I told her I stayed with Ramon until four o'clock, had to eat with clients again, went to work more at 8 o'clock than before, and went to the night shop more often, I don't know if Carmen was when I said this Believe it, but she rarely asks. I know this is not going to work, and I can't go on anymore. The company, Rose, Carmen, Luna, and my guilt, everyone and things need my attention.I have to talk to Carmen, even though I don't know how our situation will turn out.I can't just leave her alone, but I can't tell her I'm having an affair either, because that would mean the end of it all.Then I'd be completely torn apart.

However, we must talk.Maybe next week, when we take Luna for a week at the Med Club in the south of France.Some time away from Rose, some time away from Amsterdam, not so many dates.Just Carmen, Luna and me.Yes, next week, we're going to have a good talk. I'm dreading being without Rose for a whole week, but it's all I want. I was terrified to talk to Carmen, but I knew I had to. A change must be made.Whether she has cancer or not. Damn cancer. Need your love so much I want to have you all Robbie Williams, from Come Undone (Escapology, 2002) 9 I made another night out plan before I went to Maid Club with Carmen and Luna for a marriage clinic .The infamous MIU reception, each of us will come up with some reasons for everyone to celebrate together.The reason this time was my birthday--my birthday was a month ago.We drank together in Rotterdam and stayed in a hotel.

But there are also problems.That means I won't see Rose for nearly ten days.I have to come up with some reason.There was no way I would have left the house the night before, and it would be self-defeating to discuss this with Carmen. I racked my brains, and suddenly, I had a solution.I don't sleep on Friday night. I emailed Rose to say that spending the whole evening with her this week was out of the question, but on Friday night I would drive back to Amsterdam and it would be hers from 5:30 in the morning until a quarter to nine.She agreed sullenly. I promised Carmen that I would be home half an hour before we left for Schiphol.She wasn't too happy about my tight schedule either.I quickly sorted out the itinerary in my mind: Date/Time Activity place Thursday 19:00-22:00 Husband, father's living room 22:00-08:00 Sleeping bedroom Friday 08:30-18:00 Work MIU 18:00- 04:30 Eat, go out to Rotterdam with MIU colleagues Saturday 04:45—05:30 Drive, drink Red Bull Highway 05:30—08:45 Have breakfast with Rose, take a shower at Rose’s house 08:45—09:00 Driving, chewing mint Ovetum / Amstelveen Road (in the car) 09:00-09:45 Packing the suitcase with Carmen, packing the luggage Living room 10:00-10:50 Boarding, drinking black coffee Airport 11:10 Flight, Rest Amsterdam - Rice (on the plane) After get off work, Frank and I went to pick up Luna from the nursery and packed at home.Frank was talking to Carmen while I was upstairs packing my suitcases.I hear a few here and there.I heard Carmen say that she would not like me to spend the night in a hotel in Rotterdam tonight.Frank reassured her that he would be in the same room as me.

I went downstairs and kissed Luna, said Dad would be home tomorrow, and the three of us went on vacation together.I kiss Carmen and she hardly looks at me. "Will you be home on time tomorrow? Just don't miss the plane." She said to me angrily. Once in the car, I sighed, the same way I felt when I watched that ball roll back into the pitch at the World Cup in 1992.Frank grabbed my hand and held it for a moment.I turned on the Lovely Criminal song and turned it up loud and we were on the A4 in a Friday night traffic jam.I didn't care at all, I left the house. The reception ended in embarrassment.I was on ecstasy and my libido was unbearable.All my colleagues watched with interest as I kissed and hugged Natasha at Baya.

Natasha (23) is the new intern.She has a navel ring and it fits her perfectly. Mulder whispered in my ear that if I stopped now, it wouldn't hurt my image.I think so.It was almost half past four, and Rose was waiting for me.Before Mulder could react, I quickly slipped my tongue into her mouth.Frank pulled me away and I laughed at him as a coward. Baya Beach Club.The waiters here all have Miami-style chest muscles. During the day they are in the sports university, and at night they wear beach clothes to serve cocktails to customers, and strictly abide by the rules that can only be seen but not touched.Even by Rotterdam standards this is very vulgar.

"Come on, let's go back to the hotel," he said. "I'm not going to the hotel, I'm going back to Amsterdam." "God, you drank alcohol and took medicine!" "I have another date." I looked at Frank defiantly, "with a girl!" "I guess. You're having an affair." "Yes, it's been four months. Her name is Rose. Want to know anything else?" "No. I already knew. At MIU I took her call and you went to the toilet and you emailed that girl all day after that." "Oh, so what?" Well, come at me if you dare, you bastard.

Frank didn't accuse me. "I hope Rose will give you what you need to stay alive, Danny." Not long after, I was flying back to Amsterdam at a speed of 180 kilometers per hour.Halfway through, I got a text message.It was sent by Mulder. Old friend Dan, I already knew this girl from the carnival.Be careful not to let Carmen find out.Don't let Thomas and Anne know either. Good luck with your holiday with Carmen. God is merciful What he believed, no one doubted Bruce Springsteen, from Brilliant Disguise (Tunnel of Love, 1987) I yelled happily into the intercom that Rose opened the door and I ran upstairs to see that she had already opened the door for me.When I went in, she was lying on the bed and greeted me with open arms, her soft breasts poking out from under the blankets.I undressed quickly without taking my eyes off her for a moment.As I climbed onto her, I felt her softness and warmth again.I couldn't help it, I couldn't waste a single minute.She put her head on my chest after the passion was over and we fell asleep after a while.

When I awoke, half asleep, I saw her take off her dressing gown, slide into bed next to me, and kiss my forehead.There was a tray with croissants on the bed.I am very excited. "What's the matter, dear?" Rose asked. "Seeing what you've done for me - you're so kind, so warm." "You deserve it," she said softly. The first time I was in front of Rose, tears welled up in my eyes.She came and sat next to me, hugged me and handed me tea.I dare not tell her why I feel so bad all of a sudden.I can't even be faithful to her, or at least be honest.I didn't mention that intern, or Mulder.Instead, I started talking about Carmen.

"I thought, this week I'm going to tell Carmen how unhappy I am, and maybe tell her that I've been unfaithful. I can't hide it anymore, I can't go on like this. I'm starting to hate myself." Rose stared thoughtfully at her teacup. "I think you need to think about whether you're going to confess to Carmen," she said after a while. "Do you think Carmen would be happy to see you blame yourself? After all these years, you suddenly start to feel guilty. How should she deal with it? You can't do this to her, at least not now." I shrugged, "Maybe she should know from me that I'm having an affair, not from other people, so she won't hate me." She was taken aback. "But—you really can't! This would—" "Yes, it could mean the end of my marriage. So what? Maybe it's what I want. I don't think I love Carmen anymore." I finally said it, and it was the first time I said out loud what I really wanted to say in my heart. Rose looked me straight in the eye. "But you do love Carmen," she said quietly. "I can see it from the way you talk about her, from the way you show me the texts you sent her. You bring love and happiness to each other. Now you're not happy, But you still love her, otherwise you would never have done this for her." "For example, have an extramarital affair with you?" I said mockingly. "Nonsense," she replied angrily. "It has nothing to do with how you feel about Carmen. With me you can have a warmth that Carmen can no longer give you. That's why you ran to me. You can't live without this warmth." . I saw her lower lip start to tremble. "I'm getting more and more out of control—at first I could face being your mistress."But I feel more and more differently about you—” She sniffled, “I think we should seriously think about whether we should end it while we still—” She leaned her head towards me, and I felt There are tears dripping on my chest. "I don't want to break up with you, Rose," I said softly. "I can't do without—" Suddenly my cell phone rang.I watched it and my heart beat faster."Carmen is calling" is displayed on the screen. "Oh shit! It's Carmen!" I pushed Rose away rudely. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I yelled.My phone rang again. "pick up!" "No! I don't know what to say! Wait—let me—let me think—" Bell - "You can say -" "Quiet a minute!" I yelled. "Let me see—" The phone rang for the fourth time. "Let it ring! I'll call her back. I just need to make up a story." the fifth time.the sixth time.The phone eventually stopped ringing. I was naked, walking up and down the bedroom.My mind was spinning rapidly.Now what - my phone beeps at any moment to alert me to a voicemail. But instead of voicemail, the phone rang again, and I could barely look at it. "Frank is calling".appeal to - "Frank?" "Yes." He sounded frustrated. "Carmen called just now. I think you should call back quickly before you're in big trouble." "what did you say?" "I said I was still asleep, I don't know when you went out." "Okay—thanks—by the way, what time is it?" "It's only eight o'clock. Listen, Dan—" "Ok?" "this is not good." "Not sorry." Rose put on her dressing gown.I sat on the edge of the bed and stared indifferently, clutching my phone tightly. "Call her now!" Rose said nervously. I stood up and shook my head. "No. I'm not going to fight now. I need to figure out why." I said as I got dressed. "Shouldn't you take a shower?" Rose asked cautiously. I looked up one last time before getting in the car, and Rose was standing on the balcony in her dressing gown.She blew me a kiss and looked worried. As I drove home I was preoccupied with how to explain it to Carmen, and halfway through the drive I had already made up a story.I'm calling Carmen. "Hi honey! I saw you on the phone?" I said as casually as possible. "Yes. Where are you? I also called Frank." "I just went for a coffee, at a restaurant near Schiphol, you know the one? I almost fell asleep in the car. But I left my phone in the car." "Ok." "Yesterday was great! Very good, Rotterdam is very good." "Oh, will you be late?" "No, I'm almost there, actually, I just drove past Schiphol," I said as I drove past Overtum at high speed. "See you soon, my love!" "Okay, see you later." She said angrily and hung up the phone. let me be quiet for a while even if the results are not always good Sometimes two people are more lonely Klein Orkest, from Laat mij maar alleen (Het leed versierd, 1982) Wherever we go we go together, South Africa, Kenya, Mexico, Cuba, California, Nepal, India, Vietnam, Malaysia, you name it.Even when Luna was born, we drove to the Dominican Republic with Thomas and Anne.Since the cancer, Carmen went to New York and London by herself, and I went to Miami without her.When we were together, I found that we hardly did anything. Even vacation destinations are the same.Last year there was a week at the Pax Centre, and this spring there was a weekend in Texel or Terschelling, can't remember where.Anyway, there are more cows than people, and long, deserted sandy beaches. Now we're at the Med Club, which is near Carnes, at least there's Carnes here.But I know we're stuck with this terrible club all week. As we put our suitcases in our room, we watched the two leaders lead a group of people doing cardio by the pool.Everyone looks happy. Carmen is not happy.She was still in that "why should I be nice to you" state, and I took the trouble to be nice to her.Every day I tell myself to keep smiling like an idiot even when they're condescending to shit on your head. Luna was not happy either.The trip wears her out, and she becomes as difficult as Mido.Fortunately, she quickly fell asleep in our room.Carmen and I went to dinner with the baby monitor.We looked at the people walking around here and they all looked like they were in a playground.Carmen was beginning to be less indifferent.She started chatting with the people next door and I even got a good night kiss from Carmen at night.The first day could have been worse.Gotta admit, things were a little better between us the next day.We lay down on the deckchairs by the pool, ate and played with Luna.There are a few topless women by the pool, quite attractive, I feast my eyes.When I went back to my room to get the doll for Luna, I sent Rose a quick text. There are a lot of women here, but there's no arguing: you have the most amazing breasts, and you're the most beautiful woman. I have a text message in my inbox.From Thomas, wishing us a happy holiday.Poof - well, he's nice. I'll call him when the holidays are over. In the evening we went to the auditorium to watch the animated version of "Titanic". Luna liked watching it very much. Carmen and I put aside the previous unhappiness temporarily. I held her hand behind Luna's back. After watching the show, we accompanied Luna Go back to the room to sleep, then we drank a little wine and watched a movie together in the room. I kept holding Carmen's hand and never let go.When I go to bed, I gently stroke her face. "It's a wonderful evening, isn't it?" "Yes." She stroked my chest. "Good night, darling." "good night my friend." On the third day I started to feel a little bored.Carmen and Luna are sleeping in the room and I'm laying by the pool texting Hakan who told me about yesterday's game between Holland and Turkey - the Euros start in two weeks!Out of boredom, I sent Ramon a dirty joke I heard from the office.It went first to Thomas, who liked the humor.Then I texted Rose. i want to fuck you hard Then treat you well. x Select Send.It took about ten seconds for me to realize that it was sent to the wrong person, Thomas. God please don't do this!My face was flushed, and my heart was pounding in my throat.I try to stop sending.too late. The "Sending" screen has changed to "Sent".I started sweating and wished I could get out of this world lose. I wanted to call Thomas and tell him not to read the text, but I got a text from Thomas. Glad you and Carmen are back together :) I laughed, the gullible good old Thomas.I saw Luna and Carmen walking towards the pool.Smile brightly after taking a nap.I also laughed, a little touched.They waved at me.Just like a normal, happy little family without cancer.Carmen kissed me and winked at me.I was taken aback and I was thinking can we give each other another chance?After all, we are Dan and Carmen!Wouldn't we be down with an unbridled libido or a little bit of cancer?can you? We put Luna to bed, turned on the baby monitor, and we went to the outdoor bar by the pool.I ordered a glass of amaretto and a glass of Armani accompaniment.Carmen took a sip of amaretto and looked at me.I think it's time, now.comminicate.I hardly dared to make eye contact with her. "Danny, what's the matter with you lately? I feel you are avoiding." "I don't think so, do I?" "Yes," she whispered, "you do everything you can to leave the house. And when you go out, you come back very late." "Where did you hear that?" "Who's Tasha?" Shock. "Tasha? Oh, it's—Natasha. She's the new intern. What's the matter?" "I was worried when you didn't answer the phone on Saturday morning. I heard a text message on your phone while you were packing your suitcase. I opened it and checked." With trembling fingers, I opened the inbox.I see a phone number in it that I don't recognize.I opened the text message and blushed. Dan, I thought you were hot - yesterday. It feels like more will happen between us. X.Tasha Carmen took my blushing as proof, even though the text message itself was clear enough.Tears welled up in her eyes immediately, "Is she good in bed? Are her breasts beautiful?" "Ka, I didn't sleep with Natasha, really not." "Stop it," she cried. "I understand. Of course you'd rather be sleeping with a sexy little Monica Lewinsky than a bald-haired woman with one breast." I was about to speak, but she waved her hand to show that she hadn't finished. "That's not the worst," she continued, her voice trembling. "What breaks my heart is that I realize that obviously you're only happy if I'm not there. I know I'm not very easy to get along with these days, and I wish I could make you happy again, but I can't, and it makes me so happy It's crazy and it makes me so depressed. I don't want this. I don't want to be a scary, annoying old woman." "You're not a scary, annoying old woman," I said. She didn't seem to hear. "Whether it's the problem, you, the damn cancer, or me, you feel bad being with me. You run away. Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you still love me?" "I—I don't know, Ka—" She paused for a moment. "That's what I expected you to say. Dan, listen. What I'm going to say now is a long, hard thought—" I felt smaller in the face of her bravery.I didn't expect that.It was like I was beaten off guard because my opponent suddenly appeared on the pitch with three strikers instead of the expected two. "I don't even know what the hell you're doing hanging out at the bar until 4:30. I don't want to know who texted you, I don't want to know where you were when you didn't answer the phone. I always suspected you were unfaithful, naturally, if If you're sick, I'd probably do the same. I'd probably be with someone else a long time ago." I looked at her, stunned.Does she know?I looked at her face, trying to find clues about what she knew and what she didn't know.But I haven't had a chance to see it clearly, she continued. "But I'm not you. I'm a cancerous, one-breasted woman with only a few years to live I'm afraid. I'd rather live those few years alone than with someone I'm not sure I'm going to get. With a man who loves me or not. It's going to be hard, it's going to be bad, but I can do it, I'm sure—" She stopped, looked at me and said seriously. "Maybe we should get a divorce, Dan." She said it.That word, divorce. I thought of many possibilities, but never thought of getting a divorce.Anyway, she brought it up first, she threw the ball to me, and all I could do was follow the ball. Everything went over in my head.How relaxed I am every time I go to MIU to work and walk out of the house, how happy I am when I can go out again at night, how happy I am when I am with Rose, how nervous I am when I go home, I don’t know how Carmen’s mood is this time. what will it be.How many times have I really wanted to escape, to leave forever. Now it finally works.If I say yes to her now, I'll be free from the tremors, the excuses, the cancer. "No." I said no. —I said no! ? "No. I don't want a divorce."—but you do! "God, what do you want, Danny? Do you want more freedom? In God's name, say what you want!" - Yes!Say what you want! "How do I know what I want? No cancer, that's what I want!" I said angrily. "If you leave me, you can leave cancer," she said coldly. "No, I don't want to leave you!" I was stunned by myself as I realized I meant it, it was a voice from deep within me. Carmen didn't speak for a moment, then she took my hand. "This week, think hard about what you want, Danny. I don't want to sit and wait until you find out if you still love me. Of course I'd love to be with you, but some Things have to change, or the two of us will go our separate ways.Neither you nor I deserve this pain. " "God, Ka," I said softly, "I didn't think it would turn out like this." I drew a circle around her palm with my thumb. "Let's stop talking about this tonight. Let's enjoy it," she said with a smile. "See if we can do it." "Yes." A smile spread across my face, "Let's go to the club and get really drunk." "Good plan, Batman." We haven't been to a bar together for a long time.Carmen had a gin and I ordered a beer.We had fun, drinking and dancing.We laughed and had a great night together! We wobbled back to the apartment.On a carpeted area near the apartment, Carmen took off her skirt and panties, sat down on the steps, and spread her legs.She looked at me with an expression I hadn't seen on her face in a long time.We made love, the hottest we've had in years. did i tell you a little story i'm glad we talked Pearl Jam, from Alive (Ten, 1992) Carmen is very happy.She kept mentioning our sex last night and she was winking at me all day.We didn't mention last night's conversation.Even now that Luna is asleep, we don't mention it.We sat and read on a small deck in front of the apartment.Carmen took my hand and stroked it.I can't imagine we could ever be apart.It's impossible! But I'm still nervous.I only have the last card in my hand, which I must play to start the next round of the game.I want to say that every time she looks at me.Time and time again I end up not having the guts to bring it up.At this moment, I suddenly mustered up the courage to tell her. "Look, Ka, I want to talk to you about something I've never dared to tell you—" I can't help it now. "My, uh - infidelity." "I've guessed that day would come," she smiled. "I thought it would do us good to talk about it. So, go ahead." God, she is strong.I do not.My courage was nearly broken. Carmen sat up straight. "Then tell me, baby!" I laughed and decided to start with the easiest way possible. "I'm sure you've never been unfaithful, have you?" "You really want to know?" she asked. "Yes." I said pretending to be pure, and I had already thought about my confession in my heart. "Well, yes." She saw that I did not understand her words. "Yes, I did once, Dan." I looked at her with my mouth open.Carmen, who has been saying since the Sharon incident that she will leave me if I dare to cheat again, coolly answered my question that was originally just a warm-up question, a courtesy question, like you interview a nervous interviewer Sometimes you break the ice with a question like "Are you comfortable sitting?" and she replies that she too has been unfaithful. "Uh-I-um-I don't know-ah-when?" I stammered. "On Queen's Day a few years ago. A boy I met at Tejson's Cafe. No one saw. We went out together and kissed for a while." "Thank goodness." "But I did with Pym." "Ah—what?" "that." "Oh, when?" "Years ago. He kept asking me out to dinner and I kept saying no to him. I called him while you were in Thailand. Then something happened." "In our house?" "Yes. And in his car, and—and once in the bathroom." "My God." Look who's confessing. — “All on the same night?” "No. We did two more after that." "During my four weeks in Thailand?" "Yes." Her tone was so calm that she seemed to say that she had washed the dishes. I should have known, I could feel it in Miami, women do this for revenge.It was the eve of our establishment of MIU, and I desperately wanted to have fun with Frank in Koh Phangan for a month, but Carmen was not happy because she knew that I didn't go to Thailand to scrub Buddha statues.A few weeks later, I saw her at the airport and she came out crying and came running to hug me.An hour later we had sex and I acted like I hadn't had sex in weeks.In retrospect, Carmen is the same.this slut. "What about you?" she asked. "what?" "How many?" "Oh." I'm still thinking about that pervert Pym, doing it in the bathroom and in the car.How cheap.And my wife is still with him.nausea. "Hello? Come on, Danny?" Carmen said impatiently. Ok?right.It's my turn.Where to start.It starts with the ex-girlfriends I slept with when I first started our relationship with Carmen, so -- once or twice with Meryl.After meeting Emma at Leidseplein, spent six months with her every Friday.Now and then with Mulder, after parties Carmen didn't go to.And then—it’s—uh—God, where do you start?Duplicates shouldn't count, I think.This will be easier.So, that's three. I didn't count the time with the prostitute either.That was a situation outside of my control.But those two women in the sauna with Rude and Ramon weren't actually professional hookers, so I should count them.five.Then there are colleagues.Lisa and Cindy from Bernieville, have done it with Sharon a few times.Oh yes, and Diane.Give me another minute—five and four make nine.At MIU, it's just Mulder right now, after the Christmas party.But I've already counted her among ex-girlfriends.I haven't done it with Natasha yet.So still nine.Damn, and Mulder's assistant, the one with the tattoo on her belly, the one we had to fire her after three months.I can't even remember her name.ten.During the holidays.That crazy kid from The Hague.And then there was that weekend with Ramon on Grand Isle a few years ago.eleven.Then there is Thailand.Ok.Let me think about it, island by island.Koh Samui, the Irish girl with the acne on the ass and the ugly old German woman.Oh, Frank's teasing.I am ashamed to this day.Hmm-thirteen.Samet Island.That Swedish woman.Oh no, she just wants to give me a blowjob.Koh Phangan.That Finnish girl.That's fourteen.Well, that beautiful— "How much, Danny?" "I'm counting." Well, fourteen.Miami, Linda.fifteen.Is there any more?Skiing with Ramon, no.With Frank in New York?No, not that time either.Oh yes, in Turkey with Hakan.The waitress.sixteen. Ok.That's about all I got to know during the holidays. Now count when you go out.God, I've counted to sixteen.Hi.Wacker?The girl at Zuid's Christmas party.seventeen.Ellie, Thomas' sister, at last year's carnival.eighteen.The Surinamese girl that Paradiso met, and the prickly-browed girl that Piersvoag met.twenty.Good thing I'm not counting those fondlings at Bastille, Bar Surprise, Bommel and Paradiso, otherwise we'd be counting for hours.Oh wait, and the one after the Basement Mix Kid concert.Actually, I went home and went to bed with her, does that count?Oh yes, twenty.Add one to make twenty-one.Maybe three or four more that I forgot.And of course, Rose.Let's say there are about twenty-five.I look at Carmen.fasten your seat belt.Welcome to Solitude Phobia. "So?" "Well—a little more than fingers on a hand." "More fingers than one hand?" "Two hands—"—five hands, you fool! "God." "Are you disappointed?" "I hope it's less. Danny—" she shook her head.She was not as angry as I thought. " do i know them " He swallowed. "Do you really want to know?" "yes." "Well, um—there are a few, Meryl, Emma—" "Look!" she said, slapping the table vigorously, almost triumphantly, "I know, I know—Emma, ​​that look on her face like butter won't melt in her mouth! I know you There's an affair! I know about Meryl, too. I'm glad we never saw her again." Now get out of Mulder. "When did it all happen?" "It all happened before, before we lived together." "Oh—Danny! God, we used to have crazy sex back then—we were like rabbits! Why do you need other women?" "I don't know. I couldn't live without women—"—and then?Can't do without now, you bastard! "God, that's an addiction, Danny." I keep my head down. "Any other girls I know?" "Uh-Ellie." "Ellie?" "Thomas' sister." "What! Ellie? When?" "Last year's carnival." "I bet Thomas didn't notice, did he?" "Yeah, of course not! I was careful," I said right away, remembering him yelling at his sister in Bormel when all we did was caress. "Lucky. Otherwise you'd be on the headlines. I suppose Frank knows?" "Mostly, yes—" "Damn it. God, this really pissed me off, Danny." "But Frank won't tell anyone—" "That's beside the point! How would it feel if your friends knew that I did it with Pym? At least, thank God, Thomas doesn't know anything. What about Mulder? Does she know? Wait—"—Oh, no , please don't ask - "You're not going to tell me you did it with her, are you?" - Whoops. "With Mulder? God, no!" "Thank God. But she knows you've been unfaithful." "Yes, she does." "Damn—well, you slept with a lot of girls when you and Mulder were dating, didn't you?" I nod. "Always don't wear a condom, right?" "Almost all." I lied. "What about you, and Pym?" "Not wearing it." "Hold." "Wait, you're not going to punch me, are you?" she said savagely.I shook my head immediately.she laughed. "Okay. Looks like I'll have to take it." She laughed. "You hot man—I'm glad you told me. But I'll bet you're hiding something." "Well—I think that might be enough, don't you?" "Okay, that's it. But you have to promise me one thing, Danny." "What is it?" - Oh God, I can feel the storm coming.Oh no, please— “从现在开始你不能再出轨，在我还活着的这几年。” Oh shit.妈的妈的妈的。嗨，罗丝。 “我答应。”我说，显然没有丝毫犹豫，脸上挂着能让她放心的笑容。 在下雨，但天空没有云 这肯定是你的泪水 Bruce Springsteen,from Waiting On A Sunny Day(The Rising,2002) 我告诉卡门今晚我和拉蒙出去。她吻我，说希望我过得愉快。在那次关于出轨的谈话之后她狠狠哭了一场，但她说她不想再追究了。我能坦白一切，她很为我骄傲。卡门又信任我了。 但我不信任自己。这就是为什么我安排在迷魂酒吧和罗丝见面，而不是在她家。 我丝毫无法预料今晚将怎样。我真的可以跟我的短暂灵魂伴侣、性伴侣、我的新月面包师、我的替代女王、我的心理医生说再见吗？ 迷魂酒吧是类似弗兰克所称的“黄油脸”（即除了脸之外别的地方都很好）的娱乐行业：它地处黄金地段，但绝对是个垃圾酒吧。它甚至都不是一个休闲咖啡馆，但居然可以那么无聊。如果把它放到任何别的地方，没有一个人会去那的。 我忐忑不安地在迷魂酒吧四周环视，看她是否已经在那了。这不是第一次约会。 她在那，就在吧台。她向我招手，对我紧张地微笑着。我问她想喝什么。 “我要白酒。这是我们最后一个晚上，对吗？” “甜的还是酸涩的？”我问。 我无法正视罗丝，但她在看我。我看着吧台侍应倒酒时感觉到她的目光。就我而言，吧台侍应倒酒实在太快了。我拿起酒杯，和罗丝碰了一下杯。 "cheers." “告诉我你的决定吧。”罗丝说。 “我和卡门想再努力一次。” “很好。我为你们两个高兴，真的。” “我承认了一直以来我都不忠。” “那么，她的反应怎样？” “不坏。但我必须保证再也不会不忠了。” “那么——为我们最后的晚上干杯，嗯？”她嘲笑地说，举起手中的酒杯。 “但我们还可以继续见面，不是吗？”我说，一如我宣布坏消息时那样故作镇定，试着使这个过程轻松一点。“现在我们真的得到一切了。你和一个已婚男人有秘密恋情，不能和他上床；我有一个柏拉图式的女友，不能告诉任何人，否则我就得回家解释我们是如何相识的。”我大笑。 罗丝没有笑。罗丝没有被逗乐。她的脸上全是阴云。“我认为这没什么可乐的，丹。”她愤怒地说，“不要这么天真！难道你不知道我们再也不能见面了吗？你难道没有发现，你无法离开我，我无法拒绝你吗？我们再这样下去只会让你一辈子感到内疚，而我也会一辈子觉得自己是个荡妇。” She was right.再不见面是唯一我可以坚守诺言的方法。我了解我自己，我真的应该高兴。我把手放在她腿上，她推开我的手。 “你应该回家，以免我们又犯错误。” “我可以时不时给你打电话或发邮件吗？”我尴尬地问她，就像一个中学生，扶着自行车站着。 “最好不要。”她低声说，眼睛盯着地面。 我弯腰，给她最后一次法国式的热吻。然后骑上自己的自行车，我回头看看，发现罗丝还扶着她的自行车站在那。 她在哭。 这是最后的倒计时 Europe,from The Final Countdown(The Final Countdown,1986) 一个星期以后，我们知道卡门病危了。 “准确告诉我哪里痛。”谢特玛医生说。 卡门指着肋骨正下方，就是前一天她指给我看的那个地方。在中间偏右一点，从观察者的方向来说是偏左。 “那里是不是肝脏的位置？”她问我。have no idea.我大概知道心脏和肺的位置，还能指出胃在哪，因为吃得太多的时候我能摸到，但我不知道其他器官都在哪。在学校我学的是艺术专业。 “嗯。”谢特玛说，“到隔壁房间脱下衣服。” 我留在原地。谢特玛翻阅卡门的病历。一种不祥的沉默。然后她站起身说，“我们去看看。”说话时她没有看我。她进去后带上了门，所以我想她说“我们”其实就是指她自己。 一会儿，她出来了，在洗手池洗手，过来坐下，什么也没说，又开始翻阅病历。 卡门也出来了。谢特玛合上病历，拿下眼镜，看着我们。 “你感觉痛的地方其实是你的肝脏。”她开始说，“恐怕你的癌细胞转移了。” 有时你会听到从未听过的词，但你立刻会知道那是什么意思。 “那么它在扩散？” “是的，可以说是扩散。” 我和卡门对视。有好一会儿卡门一动不动，然后她的下唇开始发抖，她用手捂住嘴，眼泪流了出来。我紧握她另一只手，一直看着她。这场景似曾相识，一年前，同样的房间，同样的椅子，我们面前的谢特玛同样沉默着。这时我们知道卡门在网上看到的百分之四十的存活率算是很高的，现在已经变成零了。 “确实在扩散吗？”我问。 “最好现在用超声波检查一下你的肝脏，做完之后回我这来看结果。” 我们像绵羊一样温顺，由他们领着在医院穿梭。我们坐在超声波等待室。卡门什么也没说，她坐着，低着头，看着她卷起来的手绢，然后又把手绢展开，就像烟卷一样。卷起来，展开来。一位护士走出来，她拿着一份病历，看看病历上的名字，再看看卡门，问，“范迪安潘太太？” 卡门点头。 “要我和你一起进去吗？”我问。 “要。”卡门说。 We go into the room.卡门必须脱下衣服，过去躺在轮床上。护士用淡蓝色的胶涂抹在她腹部，我站在卡门身边，紧紧握着她的手，另一只手抚摩她的肩。她看着我，又开始哭了。我感觉自己的眼眶也湿了。护士拿起一个仪器，我认得这种仪器，卡门怀孕三个月的时候我们做了超声波检查，看过超声波回声图。那时我们快乐地看着屏幕，屏幕上可以看到胎儿在动，产科医生向我们解释哪个部位已经可以认出来了，胎儿一直在动着，我和卡门都觉得妙极了。我们给起了个名字“舞西黛西”，卡门认为这个名字最能描绘这种动作。 今天没有什么舞西黛西了，我们也不觉得需要看屏幕了。两位护士（或医生，我不知道他们的级别或地位是什么）的脸告诉了我们所想知道的一切。他们指着屏幕上的什么东西，彼此低声说着什么，我们听不清，其中一个在卡门的病历上写，时不时看看屏幕又看看病历。 “你可以穿上衣服了。” “情况怎样？”我问。 “你们可以从谢特玛医生那得到结果。”她说。 “看起来不妙。”我们一坐下谢特玛医生就说，“有颗三乘四厘米的肿瘤，在肝脏上方。” 我看着卡门，发现她又用手捂着嘴快哭出来了，但我决定，无论如何要问个清楚。 “多长——嗯——我的妻子还有多长时间？” “如果不尽快采取措施，最多两个月——” “那如果采取措施呢？”我挣扎着问。 “坦白说，这只是时间问题。如果用泰素帝化疗，可以延长几个月。这是另一种化疗，不同于去年你所做的CAF。最多只能做十二次，再多的话你的身体吃不消。一旦化疗停止，肿瘤又会继续长。我们最多可以延长一年。” “会很痛吗？”卡门泪眼矇眬地问。 “不会。几乎肯定不会。可以把肝脏想象成一个工厂，它清理体内的有害物质。肿瘤最终会使肝脏停止工作，然后你得到的氧气会越来越少，睡得更多了，最终你会陷入昏迷，然后死去。这是很自然的现象。” “至少还有好的一面。”卡门含着泪喃喃说道。为这种小小的慈悲而感恩。 “化疗有什么副作用？”我问谢特玛。 “和CAF一样。恶心、疲惫、掉发、失去味觉和嗅觉。这种化疗还会使肌肉产生反应，你手掌和手指的皮肤会变得非常敏感。”谢特玛说。 “我们做。”卡门说。 “哦，你的指甲会掉。”谢特玛补充说明。 “嗯。”我说，要做就做到底，我想。