Chapter 10 Chapter 08

She walked silently, very fast, with her head down, without looking at me.But walking down a street and onto the Embankment, she stopped suddenly and grabbed my arm. "Bored!" she whispered, "I'm so suffocated... Bored!" "Go back, Natasha!" I cried, terrified. "Can't you see, Vanya, that I've left home forever, from them, never to go back?" she said, looking at me with an inexpressible sadness. My heart sank steeply.I had foreseen all this when I was still going to see them, perhaps, long before this day, I saw all this in a trance as in a mist; but now, from her mouth say

Come, I was shocked like a bolt from the blue. The two of us walked sadly on the riverside road.I can't speak; I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm lost.My head started to feel dizzy.I think this is ridiculous and unbelievable! "You're blaming me, Vanya?" she asked at last. "No, but...but I don't believe it, it's impossible!..." I replied incomprehensibly. "No, Vanya, that's what happened! I left them and didn't know what would become of them . . . or what would become of them!" "You're going to him, Natasha, aren't you?"

"Yes!" she replied. "But it's impossible!" I exclaimed frantically. "You know it's impossible, my poor Natasha! You know, you're going mad. You'll have them." kill yourself and destroy yourself too! you know this eh, natasha? " "I know; but what can I do, it's not up to me," she said, and there was a resigned desperation in her words, as if she were being led to execution. "Go back, go back before it's too late," I begged her, but the more fervently and earnestly I begged, the more I realized the futility of my exhortations, and the utter absurdity of them at the present time. "Natasha, do you understand? You

It will kill your father!Have you given this much thought?You know, his father was your father's enemy; you know, the duke insulted your father, and suspected him of stealing money; you know, he called him a thief.You know, they are in a lawsuit... ...that's nothing!This is of secondary importance, do you know, Natasha... (Oh God, you know all this!) You know that the prince still suspects that your father and mother are doing something on purpose while Alyosha is visiting in your country. let you get close Liao Sha, do you want to get along?Just think about it, just think about how uncomfortable and painful your father was after being slandered like this.You know, in the past two years, his hair has turned white all of a sudden--look at him!And mainly, this

You know it all, Natasha, God, God!I don't say what will happen to them after losing you forever!You know, you are their sweetheart, everything they left behind in their old age.This, I don't want to say: you yourself You should also know; just think, your father thought you were humiliated for nothing, a victim of the wanton slander of these arrogant people, and the revenge was not avenged!And now, just now, because you received Alyosha and let him come to see you, all this is happening again. Let's get up, and all the old grudges in the past have suddenly intensified.The duke has insulted your father again, and his old hatred has been added to his new hatred, and the justice is full of indignation and rage, but suddenly.All this, all this accusation now seems to be

Makes sense!Now, everyone in the know will side with the Duke, speak for the Duke, and blame you and your father.Alas, what risk does he have to meet people now?You know, it's going to kill him instantly!So ashamed, so shameful, Because of who? It's all because of you, and you are his daughter, his only baby bump!And what about your mother?You know, she will never live longer than his old man... Natasha, Natasha!what are you doing?Let's go back! You should think twice before acting! " She was silent; at last she looked up at me with a reproachful look, and how much heartbreaking sorrow and pain there was in that look, and I understood, even if I hadn't said it , her scarred heart now

Also full of blood.I understood how much she had suffered at last to make up her mind, and to make up her mind, and that I said these useless, too late words, which pierced her heart afresh; I understand all this , but I still couldn't restrain myself and continued: "Just now you yourself said to Anna Andreyevna that perhaps you would not go out ... you would not go to all-night prayers. So you wanted to stay, too; so you haven't quite got it yet. Make up your mind, don't you?" She only answered with a wretched smile.Why do I bother to ask this?In fact, I also understand that everything has been irrevocably decided.But I'm also a little carried away.

"Is that all you love about him?" I cried, holding my breath and looking at her, hardly understanding what I was asking. "Vanya, what can I tell you? You've seen it all! He told me to come, and I must come, and I'll wait for him here," she said with her old sad smile. "But listen to me, listen to me," I said, grabbing at a straw, and begged her again, "it can all be undone, it can be done in a different way, in a totally different way. Yes! You don't have to run away from home, I can I'll show you how, Natashenka.I can arrange everything for you, everything, including meetings, etc... as long as you don't leave the house! ... I can send letters to each other for you; why can't I send letters?It's better than it is now.I

I'll make sure it's done; I'll satisfy you both; take care, I'll satisfy you... Natashenka, you wouldn't have ruined yourself like you are now... or else , you are now completely destroying yourself, completely It's ruined!Agree, Natasha: everything will be fine and happy, and you can love each other as much as you like... Once the two fathers are reconciled (as they will be)-- At that time..." ①A form of vespers in the Orthodox Church, praying all night until dawn. "Come on, Vanya, don't waste your words," she interrupted, squeezing my hand firmly, and smiling at me with teary eyes. "Vanya, you have a good heart! You have a good heart, and you are honest! Not a word was said about you.

Own!I was the first to abandon you, but you forgave everything, and you only thought of making me happy.Still want to send us a letter..." she cried. "Vanya, how much you loved me, and still love me--I know that, but all this time you have not said a single word of reproach to me, and you have not said a word of sad complaint. My words! And I, I... my God, How sorry I am for you!Do you remember, Vanya, the years we both spent together?Oh, it would be better if I didn't know him, never met him! ...then I'll live with you, Vanya, with you , my good heart, my darling! ... No, I am not worthy of your love!You see how bad I am: to mention our past happiness to you at such a time, and it would be painful enough for you not to mention it!Look, you haven't been with us for three weeks

Here it comes: I swear to you, Vanya, it never once occurred to me that you were cursing me, very me.I know why you walked away: you didn't want to get in our way, or make us feel guilty when we saw you.and you see us Don't you feel sad and painful?I've been waiting for you, Vanya, waiting for you!I say, Vanya, if I love Alyosha like a madman, like a madman, then maybe I will regard you as my friend , love even deeper.I've heard my heart, I know I can't live without you; I need you, I need your heart, I need your heart of gold... Alas, Vanya!What a painful, what a heavy time has come ah! " After she said that, tears fell like rain.Yes, how heavy her heart was! "Oh, how I should like to see you!" she went on, fighting back tears. "You're so thin, look how ugly and sick you look; are you really sick, Vanya? How could I?" What the hell, don’t even ask! Keep talking about myself; you How did you get along with the people who edited the magazines?How is your new novel going, is there any progress? " "Natasha, why are you in the mood to talk about novels now? Talk about me! My business is nothing! It's nothing, so-so, don't talk about it! Natasha, I want to ask you: he insisted that you go to his Did you go there?" "No, it's not just him, it's mainly me. Yes, he said it too, and it's my own will... You see, dear, let me tell you everything: he's being matched, and the woman is very Wealthy, family status is also high; relatives are also very prominent .His father insisted on him marrying her, as you know, his father's scheming has already wound up all the clockwork: this opportunity comes and goes, and it doesn't happen once in ten years.Rich and powerful... I heard that she is also very beautiful and well-educated She is good, good-hearted--all good; Alyosha has fallen in love with her at first sight.Besides, his father also wanted to give up his affairs quickly and unload this burden, so that he could get married himself, so he decided to do everything possible to break up the relationship between the two of us. Can.He is afraid of me, afraid that I will influence Alyosha..." "Does the duke know that you love each other?" I inquired of her in amazement. "He just doubts, and he's not even sure of that." "He knows it, he knows it all." "Then who told him?" "Alyosha told him everything not long ago. He told me himself. He told father all this." "Lord! What did you do! He told everything by himself, and it's just at this time? . . . " "Don't blame him, Vanya," interrupted Natasha, "and don't make fun of him! He's not like everyone else, and you can't be reasoned with. Be fair, be sensible. He's not like you or me. He's a kid; he's not educated like us .Does he understand what he's doing?The first impression given to him after meeting, the slight influence of others on him is enough to make him deviate from everything he was determined to pursue a minute ago.He has no character.For example, he can swear to you, but On the same day he will devote himself equally honestly to another woman; and he will be the first to come to you and tell you about it.He may also do bad things; but he must not be blamed for his bad things, but he must be pitied.and He too is capable of self-sacrifice, even great self-sacrifice!But as soon as he encounters something and gets some new impressions, he will forget everything before.If I don't keep an eye on him often, he will also invite me to forget.he is the one Such a person! " "Oh, Natasha, maybe it's not true, it's just a rumour. How can a kid like him get married!" "I'll tell you, his father has other plans." "How do you know that woman is very beautiful, and he has fallen in love with her at first sight?" "He told me that himself." "What! Did he himself tell you that he might be in love with someone else, and that's why you're making this sacrifice for him now?" "No, Vanya, no! You don't know him, you haven't been with him long; you can only know him by being near him, and then you can judge of him. There is no one in the world with a more honest heart than his. Pure! What? Could it be that he Is it okay to lie?As for his love at first sight, that's because as long as I don't see him for a week, he will forget me and fall in love with another woman, but as soon as he sees me later, he will fall at my feet again.No!let me know no Keep it from me, and that's fine; otherwise I'll die of paranoia.Yes, Vanya!I have made up my mind: If I am not always, often, every moment with him, he will not love me, forget me, and abandon me .That's the kind of person he is: any other woman could lead him by the nose.What should I do then?Then I will die... death is nothing!I am glad to die now!What's the point of my life without him?This is better than All pain is still pain, it is better to simply die!Oh Vanya, Vanya!You know, now that I have abandoned my father and mother for him, what else can I leave behind!Stop trying to persuade me: everything is decided!He must every hour, every Stay with me for an instant; I cannot go back.I know I've ruined myself and others... Ah, Vanya! " she cried suddenly, her whole body began to tremble, "what if he really doesn't love me anymore?if what you just said is true (I never said that), you said he was just lying to me, just looking honest and sincere, but he was actually a bad person, a vain person, so what to do!Now I stand before you in his defense; and he may be right Fooling around with other women, secretly laughing at me... and I'm a bitch myself, abandoning everything, walking up and down the streets looking for him... Oh, Vanya! " The long sigh that came out of her heart contained so much pain, I couldn't help but feel like a knife was twisting my heart.I understood that Natasha had lost all self-control.Only blind, maddened jealousy could make her Make this desperate decision.But I was also burning with jealousy and jealousy.I can't bear it: a base feeling carries me away. "Natasha," I said, "there's only one thing I don't understand: how can you love him when you've just said this and that about him? You don't respect him, you don't even believe in his love, and yet you All the way to the dark to find him, for him , destroying everyone?what on earth is this kind of happenings?He will torture you for a lifetime, and you will torture him for a lifetime.Because you love him too much, Natasha, too much.I don't understand such love. " "Yes, I love him like a madman," she replied, seeming to pale with pain. "I've never loved you like this before, Vanya. I know myself that I'm crazy and I shouldn't love someone like this. I love beyond the norm... …Listen, Vanya: I knew, even in our happiest moments, that he would bring me nothing but pain and suffering.But what can be done?Even now I consider it happiness to suffer for him.Am I looking for Is he seeking pleasure?Didn't I know in advance what was waiting for me with him and what would happen to me with him?You know, he once swore to each other that he loved me and made many wishes: I don't believe a word of it, I didn't take him seriously, and I don't take him seriously now, although I know he hasn't lied to me, and he can't.I once told him myself that I don't want to tie his hands with anything foot.It was better for him: no one likes to be bound, and I was the first.However, I am still happy to be his slave, willing to be his female slave, to endure everything he puts on me, everything, as long as he can be with me, as long as I can watch him!It doesn't matter if he's in love with another woman, as long as he can be in my presence, as long as I can be by his side... Isn't that a crime, Vanya? ' she asked abruptly, looking at me with feverish, bloodshot eyes. , For a moment, I seemed to think she was talking nonsense. "Are you willing to do this? Isn't it a crime? It's nothing! I said it was a crime. If he abandons me, I will follow him to the ends of the world, even if he pushes me away, even if he drives me away Let's go, I agree too.But now you are persuading me to go back—if I obey you, what will happen?Even if I go back, I will go again tomorrow, he gives an order, and I will go; treat me like a dog, whistle and yell , I will run with him... What an ordeal!I am not afraid of any tribulations he throws at me!As long as I know, I am suffering because of the land... Oh, what a word, Vanya! " "Then, where are the two Gaotangs?" I thought.She seemed to have forgotten them. "Does he not want to marry you, Natasha?" "Yes, and he's always said yes. He's calling me now to marry secretly out of town to-morrow; but he doesn't know what he's doing. Maybe he doesn't even know how. What should he do?" Got a husband! Ridiculous, This is true.As soon as he's married he'll be unhappy, he'll complain...I don't want him to complain about me at any time and about anything.I can give him everything and let him give me nothing.He would be unhappy if he gave marriage, So what to do, why bother to make him feel unhappy? " "No, I'm getting confused, Natasha," I said. "Why, you're going straight to him now?" "No, he promised to come here and take me away; we agreed..." After she finished speaking, she looked eagerly into the distance, but there was no one there. "He hasn't come yet! You came first!" I shouted angrily.Natasha shook as if she had been punched.Her face contorted, painfully altered. "Maybe he won't come at all," she said, with a wry smile. "He wrote me the day before yesterday, saying that if I did not allow him to come here, he would have to give up his decision to marry me out of town; his father would send him to Meet his fiancée.And he wrote it so simply, so naturally, as if it didn't matter at all... What if he did go to see her, Vanya? " I am speechless.She clutched my arm--her eyes sparkled. "He must be there with her," she said almost inaudibly, "and he hopes I don't come here so he can go to her with a clear conscience, and then say he's not at fault because he said hello beforehand." , I didn't come by myself. I Annoyed him, that's why he avoided me... Oh, God!I'm a crazy person!You know, the last time we met, he told me that he bored me... what am I waiting for! " "Here he comes!" I cried, suddenly seeing him in the distance on the embankment. Natasha shuddered and let out an exclamation. She watched Alyosha who was approaching gradually, and suddenly threw away my arm and ran towards him.He also quickened his pace, and a minute later, she was already in his arms.on the street, except us There is no one outside.They were smiling and kissing; Natasha was laughing and crying, and they all came together as if they had seen each other after a long absence.Her pale face turned red; she seemed to be mad... Alyosha noticed walked over to me immediately.